Dear Diary,
I don't know how to begin. It's been so long since I poured my soul out to you.
Diary, how do you let go of someone you loved with your whole being, mind, body, and soul for so long? I have tried, really I have, but I just can't let him go. Every where I go I see him. I feel him. I hear him. I smell him.
How do you disassociate the smell of worn leather and cigarette smoke away from him? How do you not hear his voice when someone curses with that same British slag that sounded like warm honey even when he was mad? How do you tell yourself that every bleached, blond man walking past you isn't him? How do I tell my heart that those tingles down my spine will never be caused by him? They will never be that singular feeling that only HE could cause.
Diary I moved to Rome to be away from the things that reminded me of him. But everywhere I saw him. Saw something he would like. Something I was sure he has already seen, visited, been near…
Still I move back here. Back to London where I know he's been. To a place where the builds hold within their silent walls memories of him. Where I know the streets have been stalked by him.
Dairy, I don't know what to do. I don't want to forget. Never forget. But I don't want to hurt anymore. I miss him. Every cell in my body misses him. So long gone, yet still I miss him.
How do I love, without the pain? How to do I move one without letting him go completely?
What I wouldn't give to have him here with me. To hold me. To kiss me. To make love to me. To love me.
My Spike is gone. So long gone. And I don't know what to do.
Buffy Summers
London, UK
Feb. 14, 2006