They Didn't Know We Were Seeds
Busily comparing results of two of his poisons to known properties of Basilisk venom, Severus hardly notices Lily come into their classroom. He does, however, finally put aside his research when Lily drags a chair over from another desk to his.
"Hi," she whispers.
Warily, Severus returns, "'Lo."
An awkward silence falls between them. Neither quite looking at the other, but not ignoring them either. Finally, Lily pushes her hair behind her ears and squares her shoulders into a fighting position. Green eyes hard with determination, she says, "I heard you had a row with Sage."
"Yes," replies Severus, "I did."
She falters slighting. "Are you… Okay now?"
He nods. "We've agreed to reserve our judgment on the matter until later when we have more proof his way or my way."
"That's good," Lily says. "I know Sage adores you and you like him too. I'd hate for a row to ruin things between you two."
Severus doesn't know if it's daring or a simple slip of the tongue, but he asks, "Like one did for us, you mean?"
She winces. Even so, Lily agrees. "Yes, I suppose so."
"…We might end up like you and I in our first lifetime," he admits after a beat. "He disapproves of who I spend my time with. It's just Sacbior he's admitted to so far, but I'm sure he's not entirely pleased with Sirius. Sirius doesn't care for Sage, after all."
"What do you mean he doesn't care for Sage?" Lily asks, upset.
Severus shrugs. "He just doesn't. Thinks he's a swot. Don't worry, though. His method for dealing with Sage is surprisingly mature. He grins and bears it because he knows I care for Sage."
"…That is surprisingly mature," Lily murmurs, sounding just a tad miffed.
He smirks. "Isn't it? It makes me think he'll grow up not to be such a rash dunderhead this time."
"That'd be lovely," Lily says with a smile of her own.
They laugh. For a moment, things are alright. Of course, it can't stay as such. Severus wants to know– No, needs to know what Lily said to Remus.
"Sirius mentioned that Remus planned to speak to you about James."
All cheer leaves the girl's face. She's quiet for a time, a finger drifting up to trace imaginary patterns in the grain of the wood desk. Finally, she says, "He's just a boy. I did my best to convey how I feel without ever telling him about my past." She meets his gaze, desperation making them as large as saucers. "Okay?"
He nods. As much as he wants to say he hadn't feared Lily might give away too much, he had. He'd feared greatly that Lily, in the throes of despair, would tell him everything. "Yes, okay," mumbles Severus.
Lily relaxes marginally. Some of her fears put to rest. After taking a shuddery breath, she starts, "I told him – Remus – that I've liked James a long time. Since early second year. That I thought he was smart and funny and caring. I said if he was dating anyone else, I'd be able to be happy for James. But this is Petunia. My sister! To watch him receive letter after letter–" Tears in her eyes, Lily warbles, "Severus, I just couldn't understand why'd he pick her when I'm right here!"
Quietly, he asks, "Did Remus have any ideas on why he chose 'Tuney over you?"
"Yes," she sniffs. "They're still very good mates in this lifetime, you know? I'm pretty sure James knows about Remus's furry problem. Anyway, it's not me. Which I guess I feel better about. James… James looks at me, at you, and he sees we're close. Remus says he definitely likes me. But He respects you. Me. And since you're a boy, and I'm a girl–"
"–The bloody idiot thinks we're a couple for no other reason than that?" Severus demands, annoyed and angry on Lily's behalf.
She puts up her hands in a helpless motion. "He's fourteen. Fourteen-year-olds sometimes have silly notions about girls and boys being friends." A bit misty-eyed again, she says, "It's just something I'm going to have to wait for him to outgrow. He's more grown up and like the James I married already than he ever was in our first lifetime, but he's still just a boy." Then, quieter, she admitted, "I know you must hate all of this talk about James. It's why I've not said anything about what's going on until now."
Severus nods. He's rather glad Lily's done her best to keep her James troubles to herself. Up until the 'Tuney issue, it's worked quite well from what he can tell. But… "Thank you. I really do think the less Jame-talk is better for the both of us. However, if there's a problem you're having with James that leaves you so bothered you can't focus on anything else, I will listen. Want to, even." He smiles at her. "Can't say I'll have much to say back, though."
Lily giggles. "Okay," she says. "You don't know how much it means to hear that."
He looks away, embarrassed. "What kind of mate would I be if I couldn't do even that for you?"
"Still a very good one," Lily assures. Then, expression shifting to something a little more hesitant, she tells him, "As important as talking about James was during my heart-to-heart with Remus something else came up that I think we should talk about."
Severus frowns. "Oh?"
His friend stares at him for a moment, indecision in her eyes.
"What?" he demands, tired of the way she's looking at him.
Quietly, Lily says, "Remus says you fancy me."
Severus freezes, words sticking to the back of his throat. He wants to run for the door. Rejection is something Severus is far from ready to accept.
Lily smiles tentatively. "I know I've said before I have some small romantic feelings for you… And, I was thinking, if Remus is right, I might like to– I don't know, strengthen them, I guess."
"What about James?" croaks Severus.
Her lip wobbles for a moment. "I won't lie, I love him. He was my husband, the father of my baby… But he's gone. The James here, James now, he doesn't look at me like the way you do sometimes. He might never look at me that way. I'd like to move on." She reaches across the table and grasps his hand. "With you, if you're willing."
Severus stares at their hands. This is a dream come true. Yet, it doesn't feel like it. Instead, Severus feels second best. Again. It's a bitter knowledge, but he knows if James were to somehow remember their last lifetime right now, Lily would run back into his arms in a heartbeat. Taking his hand away from the girl, he shakes his head.
"No," he tells her. "No, I can't do that. I always hoped you might return my feelings someday, but I don't want things like this. I'm not going to be your second choice." Getting to his feet, he points an angry, accusing finger at Lily. "You shouldn't want me just because you can't have James! I love you, Lily. Always wished we could have been more than friends, but I never– would never settle for another just because I couldn't have you!"
Stricken, she only stares at him with wide, horrified eyes. "That's not why I want to be with you," she denies. "I want to be with you because of you. You're the very best friend I've ever had. I love you." Reaching for him beseechingly, she continues, "I just never realized how much you cared about me until Remus pointed it out."
He crosses his arms and looks away. "My answer is still no. I can't do this, not now."
Lily wilts. She's quiet for a time, and then, softly, tells him, "I understand."
"This… This isn't going to cause problems for us, is it?" Severus finally asks. He's sure it will, no matter what Lily says, but he wants to know what Lily's mindset on things is.
She shakes her head. "No," she answers. "You're still my best friend." When Lily reaches for his hand, he lets her take it. Expression serious, she tells him, "We can't let this cause a problem. It's just me and you, remember? We have to make the world a better place. The best way to do that is together."
After a moment, he gives her hand a squeeze. He's relieved and proud to see that Lily has her priorities straight. The world's future will always come before theirs, be it together, or separate from one another. Severus is happy she realizes that too.
-o-O-o-
Despite claims that Severus's rejection of Lily won't change things, it does. Just as Severus expected. Instead of spending almost every waking moment in each other's company, they put some space between them. Severus spends more time Sage alone than he has since the summer. They study together in their common room, rather than in their usual stomping grounds, the library.
When he does seek Lily out (because he can't help but feel a little guilty for refusing her offer to be more than just friends), he finds her in the company of Remus most of the time. Or, sometimes, the girls in her year. Things are awkward and a little strained, but Severus feels with every encounter they have that their relationship is slowly mending. He hopes once Christmas hols are over everything will be normal between them once more.
While Severus is confident his issues with Lily will work themselves out with time, he cannot say the same for his problems with his mother or Demitri. During the middle of October, he receives a letter from his mother.
Dear Severus,
I know who killed your father. You must be careful. Even more careful than I warned you to be at the start of the year. His sister walks Hogwarts's halls.
Mum
It's exasperating how she decides when she's going to write to him and the way she picks the topic too. Tearing the parchment up and tossing it into the remnants of his porridge. He looks up from his work only to see Sage staring at him with a lifted eyebrow. "Mum," he answers. "She's being as cryptic as ever."
"What she write to you about?" his brother asks.
Severus shifts uneasily. While they've caught the tail end of breakfast and most of their house has left for their classes or to do other things, there are still some students at the table. Finally, he says, "About Dad. She figured out who did it."
"She did?" asks Sage, surprise evident in the way both eyebrows shoot halfway up his forehead.
He nods. "We'll see what comes of it soon enough, I'm sure."
The boy's expression turns to one of unease. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," Severus replies curtly. "Come on, we need to go. I don't need another detention on top of whatever one I'm surely going to receive already by being late to Defense too."
-O-
Severus knows the moment he passes the threshold of the classroom he is not going to like today's lesson at all. The desks are pushed to either side of the room, and at the front, stands Demitri beside a rattling crate. Students gossip amongst themselves and from their whispers, a single word stands out:
Boggart.
His grandfather has a bloody boggart in the crate. Severus seeks out Lily among the Gryffindors. It doesn't take him long at all to find her. Much like Severus, she is looking for him. Her face is wan and just a shade away from scared. He nearly walks right back out of the classroom. However, before he can, Demitri is beside him, closing the door to the classroom.
"Cutting it a bit short, aren't you, lads?" he asks.
Sage looks at his feet as Severus frowns.
He sighs. "Go on, join the others," he tells them. "We'll be starting in a minute."
Grudgingly, Severus moves forward. He melts into the group of Slytherins, Sage's shoulder brushing against his own. His grandfather walks back to the front of the room. He scans over their curious, attentive faces and nods to himself. "Today, we have a very special lesson. This one will prepare you far more than anything else I can throw at you in preparation for the dueling tournament we will be holding post-Christmas holidays." Chest puffed out, Demitiri declares, "Today, we will learn about boggarts." He looks around with great exaggeration. "Does anyone know what boggarts do?"
To Severus's left, Wiliam Wilkes raises his hand.
Demitri dips his chin in the boy's direction.
"They take on the shape of a witch or wizard's greatest fear and scares them."
The old man smirks. "That is correct. Five points to Slytherin." Then eyes darting over the faces of the rest of the students, he asks, "Does anyone know how to defend themselves against boggart should they encounter one?"
"You use the enchantment riddikulus while imagining something that makes you laugh," Remus calls out.
Demitiri does not look pleased with the Gryffindor, but he nods his head nonetheless. "Yes," he replies. "That is how you protect yourself from a boggart." Before he returns his attention to the rattling crate, he warns, "Next you have an answer, Mister Lupin, please remember to raise your hand."
Out of the corner of his eye, Severus can see him blush. Remus never did take well to public scoldings from their professors growing up.
Wand out now, his grandfather asks, "Seeing as we now know not only how boggarts work, but how to defend ourselves from them, who would like to volunteer to face it first?"
Not a hand goes up. Demitri sighs at this. Then, his gaze locks on Severus. "How about you, Mister Snape?" he asks.
Severus's heart stops. He doesn't want this man to know his greatest fears. It's not safe for him – or anyone else – to know. However, there is no way Severus can say no. Not unless he wants to look like a coward, earn a detention, and to lose a sizeable amount of house points. With great reluctance, he moves to the front of the group.
"Thank you, Mister Snape," his grandfather says.
Drawing his wand, his grandfather undoes all of the charms he has on the crate. The moment the last is removed, out of the crate bursts Nagini. As he jumps out of the way of its striking distance, several students behind him scream, just as terrified as he. Gripping his wand so tightly he's sure the wood will crack, Severus turns to face Nagini. Staring into her yellow-gold eyes, Severus tries to think of something, anything, that's even half way funny.
Unfortunately, nothing comes to mind. After a life and half of hardships, he really shouldn't feel so surprised. When was the last time he had something to laugh at? Other than the absurdity of his situation, anyway. Blood thrumming in his ears, he can just barely hear Demitiri shouting at him to cast a riddikulus. While Severus desperately tries to think of anything funny, his concentration is broken when Nagini changes into a werewolf. A new wave of fear overcoming him, he narrowly misses a swipe from the beast's paw. He ducks and twists away several more times before a hazy idea starts to formulate in the back of his mind.
Before the boggart can shift into anything more telling (like Voldemort's grinning countenance), Severus raises his wand ready to cast the enchantment. However, he hasn't so much as uttered a syllable when a pair of hands shove him out of the way of the werewolf's chomping maw.
Almost instantaneously, the boggart shrinks and morphs into tiny, dead baby. A baby Severus recognizes far too easily. Turning his head, he sees Lily beside him. Tears are dripping off her chin. Green eyes bright, she warbles, "Riddikulus." The dead, infant-Harry Potter turns into a shaggy black dog riding a motorcycle. Lily begins to laugh and soon enough, the class joins in. The boggart withers and disappears, leaving them safe once more.
Looking a little flustered, Severus's grandfather comes to stand in front of them. "As you can see, defeating a boggart is not always an easy task…" he says to the class. With the two of them hidden from the rest of the class behind Demitri's back as he lectures, Severus snags Lily's hand and gives it a short squeeze. She offers a watery, grateful smile.
Severus has a good feeling that the awkwardness between him and Lily will be gone much sooner than he expected. And for that, he is very thankful Demitiri forced him to face the boggart.
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