Anyone Can Be a Pilot

by Thuktun Flishithy

Everyone has their problems they face being a pilot. For Shinji, it's trying to prove his worth to everyone, especially his father. For Rei, it's trying to connect with the world around her through Eva. For Asuka, well, a book could be written on her problems. As for me? Well, my problem is that I'm a rat. Crossover with Ratatouille.

2. Chapter 2

Did you know that rats sleep about twelve hours a day? I'm not being rhetorical here, either- I'm asking if that's common knowledge for you humans, because Shinji didn't know, and hoo boy did that become obvious next morning.

I was having a good dream, thanks to the excitement of suddenly accomplishing my lifelong goal of piloting the Eva, and thanks to the kiwi I ate. There I was, sitting in the seat of the entry plug, paws gripping the yokes as I grappled with the Angel, the same one that I'd killed last night. I had it on its back, and I held a prog knife high, ready to plunge it into its core-

-and then a giant finger poked me in the belly.

I know you humans don't have to worry about some bloodthirsty giants trying to crush you -well, normally anyway- but for us rats, it's like a tiger waking you up by giving your neck a love nibble. In an instant I was in full panic mode, my entire body practically levitating off the ground as I let out a shriek.

"Sorry!" a very unthreatening voice shrieked back.

The fog of interrupted sleep was whipped away. I was not about to become kitty kibble, I was not in a trap, and my insides were still on the inside. Patting my tummy to convince my sleep-deprived brain of that last fact, I looked up with a bleary expression. Shinji was on his hands and knees, looking down into the padded box that was my temporary bed, a concerned look on his face.

It was actually a little strange, seeing a human look at me with concern, rather than "eek! get the blowtorch!" Too bad I was too groggy to appreciate that.

Folding my arms, I tapped my little paw on the floor of the box and tried to give the best half-disappointed half-expecting look I could muster.

"What?" Shinji said, defensively. "It's time to get up. I need to go to school."

School?

Before I could protest, a giant hand scooped me up, and I was carried out of the room like a toy. It didn't help that he held me in a way so that my legs dangled and my arms were forced up, leaving me feeling a lot like the sushi rolls Dr. Akagi sometimes ate.

Shinji carried me back into the kitchen, or, rather, the fields of trash that had a kitchen underneath. He'd cleared off the table, thankfully, and he dropped me off. The aroma of something savory gave my nose a gentle kiss, and I saw he'd made himself a bowl of rice with an egg on top. It smelled a lot better than the processed junk served at NERV cafeterias.

"You hungry?" Shinji asked.

Did I just defeat an Angel yesterday?

I nodded, and Shinji scooped some of the egg and rice into a little teacup, then slid it over. No utensils, unfortunately, but honestly the egg was so good I didn't even care as I dug in. He'd used just the right amount of oil while frying it up, and the rice was the perfect vessel to soak up the runny yolk, the flavor combination practically dancing and singing in my head.

The kid might not be much of a pilot, but he was definitely a great cook.

I was just about done when I heard something in the distance, my ears swiveling towards the front of the apartment. Something big was on the move, broad feet slapping against linoleum. Shinji didn't seem to notice, what with his little human ears that were practically useless, but to me it was as clear as day.

The sound got closer, then suddenly one of the chairs scooted back, and that finally got Shinji's attention. He and I both stared as some thing hopped onto the chair, a towering black and white beast that looked like it was wearing one of those tuxedos I sometimes saw in fashion magazines NERV personnel threw away. A newspaper was tucked under one of its flippers, while the other held a can of beer.

"Is... is that a penguin?" Shinji asked aloud.

The monster finally had a name. The "penguin" looked straight at me with beady eyes, the soulless eyes of a predator. A red crest on its head flared, and its beak opened, blasting my nose with the pungent stench of fish and wet feathers.

"W ᴀ ʀ ᴋ."

Tossing the beer and newspaper aside, it clambered onto the table, claws extending from the tips of its flippers to dig into the faux-mahogany tabletop as it lunged at me. Thankfully it was pretty clumsy at it, and my well-honed instincts of avoiding NERV personnel let me jump out of the way and towards Shinji.

The kid for his part just gave out a yelp of surprise at the penguin's attack, before realizing what was going on and grabbing me. It was still the terrible hold of before, but I didn't mind now as he pulled me away from the ravenous beast that thirsted for my blood. I flicked my tail up just in time to avoid the thing's snapping beak, and Shinji took the two of us away from the table.

The penguin hopped up and down on the table, still waving its clawed flippers in a futile attempt to grab me. Shinji held me high, far away from its hideous maw.

"Get back!" he shouted. "Shoo! Shoo!"

"W ᴀ ʀ ᴋ," it said in reply.

"What's going on here?" a third voice asked. I craned my head to see the Misato lady come out of her room, looking like she'd slept as well as I had. "Shinji?"

"There's this penguin trying to eat Remy!"

Misato hurried over and grabbed the thing, making it look so easy to render this monster powerless in her grasp.

"Pen-Pen!" she chided.

It flailed in her grip, letting loose another hideous cry.

"Pen-Pen," she warned again.

The thing called Pen-Pen calmed down, a defeated look on its face. Did knowing its true name bind it to her will? It was the only thing that made sense. Misato tucked it under her arm, rubbing her face.

"So," she said, stifling a yawn. "Remy, huh? That's a funny name for a pet rat."

I gave the best glare I could muster while still being held like a toy. Hey, my dad picked the name. It's a good name- I don't know what it means or where he got it from, but it's still a good name. If you ask me, names like Shinji and Misato are the funny ones.

"I got it from a... French cookbook," Shinji said.

"Huh. Well, I hope Remy's alright after the scare Pen-Pen gave him. He won't bother him anymore." She looked at the bound beast in question and made a kissy face. "Isn't that right, Pen-Pen? You're not going to go eating Shinji's rat, no you're not. Only bad penguins eat pets, yes they dooo~"

Pen-Pen warked in resignation.

"I'm still not comfortable leaving Remy here while I'm at school," Shinji said. "He's coming with me."

Yes, good human. I had no idea what a school was, but it had to be infinitely better than staying with the tuxedo demon.

"Well, normally I'd say no to taking a rat to school, buuut you did save the entire human race last night, so I'll call the principal on the way over." Misato began walking over to the bathroom. "I'm going to take a quick shower, and then I'll drive you over, 'kay?"

"Alright," Shinji said, sounding a bit uneasy.

Misato closed the door, and the kid looked my way, letting out a long sigh. He set me back down on the table, then ran a hand through his surprisingly long hair.

"Well that was..." he trailed off, language clearly failing him. "Well, school can't get any worse, right?"

I gave him a shrug.

"That's still weird."

I shrugged again.

鼠

"...the resulting waves killed approximately one billion people, while the conflicts that followed as direct result killed another two by February..."

Shinji's eyelids drooped as he slowly leaned forward, before the briefest sensation of falling forced him awake again and he jolted in his seat. Thankfully the teacher didn't notice, considering he wasn't even looking at the class as he wrote on the chalkboard, and the other students didn't notice either, their attention focused on their laptops.

Sighing, he looked at his own laptop. His old school didn't have any, and he never actually owned one- only the occasional encounter with the desktop at the library had given him any clue of what to do. Hesitantly, he opened the homework folder, figuring it would be a good idea to get started while the teacher rambled on.

The box on his desk rustled as Remy poked his head out, giving a furtive look around. The rat slowly crept out of the box, then scooted over to the computer, a curious look on his face. Shinji glanced around again to make sure no one noticed, but considering no one had even asked him what was in the box with air holes, it was clear he was beneath their radar.

Shinji looked back to the homework folder. Algebra questions. The first one was x²=9, which was easy enough to solve, the screen producing a green checkmark. The next was y=2x³-4, where x equaled 2. He put in 8, and was about to submit the answer when Remy smacked his hand with a pencil.

"What?" he whispered, so quiet even he could barely hear it.

Remy shook his head, then put in 12 and hit the enter key. A green checkmark appeared on the screen.

Oh, so the rat was also better than him at math. Great. Absolutely nothing strange about that, no siree.

Deciding to put the homework aside for the time being, he noticed a chatbox at the bottom of the toolbar and decided to click it. It soon became obvious this was what the students were all focusing on, with a group chat that he'd been invited to going crazy with discussion.

kotaro: the entire street's been blocked off
kotaro: i saw giant footprints, guys

hikari: so that was the evangelion thing?

aoki: had to be

kensuke: rumors from the leaks are that they transferred in a new pilot. young. beat the angel faster than they were expecting

toji: can't wait to find you in a ditch, man

kensuke: he might be in this very classroom

Remy crossed his arms and gave him a smug knowing look, which was still something that gave him a lot of cognitive dissonance to see on a rat. Shinji shook his head, then noticed that he'd been pinged on the chat.

kensuke: shinji hey transfer, spill it. you the pilot?

Remy shook his head, waving his little rat arms. Shinji gave a smug look of his own.

shinji: yes

At once a kid near the back made a strangled squawk not too dissimilar to the penguin, and Shinji felt a few eyes on him, followed by furious typing. Notifications flooded the chat, questions and exclamations filling the feed.

The student in front of him, a taller boy in a tracksuit, decided to cut the middleman and turned over.

"Man, you're a literal lifesaver. My sister nearly got-"

He trailed off, and Shinji realized that the boy's height meant that he could look over the screen, considering his eyes were now fixed on Remy.

"Oh shit, a rat!" He suddenly grabbed his backpack and swung with surprising force.

Fortunately, the taller boy's aim was off, missing Remy by a mile. Unfortunately, this entailed the backpack smashing right into Shinji's face. There was a sensation of falling, the screech of a chair, and he found himself staring at an unfamiliar ceiling.

"Students, no talking during the lecture," the teacher said.

The taller boy's concerned face filled Shinji's vision. "Aw shit. Sorry, man. You okay?"

"blup."

The student grabbed his hand and dragged him up, surprisingly strong. Shinji climbed back into his seat, and was relieved to see that Remy had managed to escape back to his box, a whiskered snout poking out from under the lid.

"Sorry again," the boy was saying. "I saw a rat. How did you not see it?"

Shinji pointed at the box, the intricacies of language escaping him for the time being. "Pet."

A look of dawning realization crossed the boy's face. "Ohhhh. That, uh, that makes sense. I guess. You can take pets to school? Oh, is it a pilot's perk? Sorry for blabbering, but you know I accidentally smashed ya in the face, and..."

The class rep was on the other end of the room, yet her glare still was felt and seen, withering the taller student's resolve. He offered an apologetic look.

"I'm Toji." He offered a hand.

Shinji shook mechanically. "Shinji."

Toji turned back to his laptop. Shinji simply stared at the screen, letting his cognitive faculties slowly return as the chat continued to explode.

Remy poked his head out of the box and offered a sympathetic wince. Shinji returned the wince, then sighed. At least the day couldn't get worse from here, right?

鼠

"So how did school go?" Misato asked, the car rattling as she banked a corner.

Shinji shrugged. "Okay. Tired."

"I can imagine. I was always stressed out going to school. Meeting new people was hard for me growing up."

He had a hard time believing that, considering she'd dumped more words on him on the car ride to the Geofront than he'd said in a week.

"Well, hopefully you're not too tired," Misato continued. "You have a long evening ahead of you."

He looked over. "What?"

"Well, you are the only line of defense for humankind right now. We need to train you, you know. We're heading back down to HQ so you can practice piloting the Eva."

Shinji swallowed. "Oh, yeah, duh."

He looked down at the box in his lap. Remy poked his head out, mirroring the concerned expression on his face. They still hadn't come up with a plan for how they were going to actually pilot together.

Well, last time they winged it, they'd taken down an Angel. Maybe they could wing it again and find a way of keeping Remy from being chucked into an incinerator by Dr. Akagi.

Right?

鼠

The backpack got stifling surprisingly fast. At the very least I wasn't in the box as well- Shinji dropped it off at the apartment to maintain the illusion that I wasn't going to HQ with him. As it was, I was starting to get a headache from tasting my own stale breath as we made our way through the security checkpoints. Thank goodness no one thought he was actually a security risk.

"Good afternoon, Shinji," Dr. Akagi said.

Well, almost no one.

"Oh, um, hello doctor."

"I'm just here to drop off your plugsuit." Even through the backpack I could smell the tobacco, and I crinkled my nose. "You don't have anything delicate on you, do you? Don't want it getting wet."

Like his secret rat coworker?

"Uh, no. I brought my bag, but it's just books."

There was a worryingly long pause, then Dr. Akagi said, "Well, just keep them secure. Be sure to press the button on your right wrist when you put the suit on."

I could hear the crinkling of plastic as she gave him the suit, followed by the click-clacking of her heels as she walked away. A few moments passed, then slowly Shinji zipped the bag open, his hand sticking in.

"No one's here. You can come out."

I hopped onto his palm, and he pulled me out. I had smelled the pipes as we came in, but now I knew for sure we were in the locker room. I'd skittered above it once or twice, and knew that the only cameras watched the door, not the interior. I remember reading an email about how that came about due to rather physical complaints from NERV-Berlin.

"Okay," Shinji said, looking down at me. "So... how do we do this?"

I shrugged.

"That's really helpful." He set me on the shelf of his locker, then looked at the shrink-wrapped plugsuit. "Maybe this thing has pockets?"

Not according to the notes I read. I informed him as best as I could, shaking my head. Thankfully, he understood.

"Seriously?" He held up the suit, removing the plastic wrapping as he studied it. "They can build that giant... robot... thing, but I can't have pockets?"

I rankled at that, wanting to explain to him about how they needed to minimize the material that separated him from the plug in order to reduce noise in the nervous system overlay that would allow him to link his mind to the primal consciousness of the Evangelion, and that he should've been lucky he wasn't going in naked with electrodes all over his body.

But I couldn't. Because I'm a rat. The best I could do was an eye roll.

Shinji started unbuttoning his shirt, then paused and looked my way. "Um, could you turn around?"

Ah, humans and their embarrassment about not having any real fur. I looked away, listening to the soft sounds of him folding his clothes, followed by the much louder creaking and squeaking as he pulled the plugsuit on.

"Okay, you can look now."

I turned, and had to stifle a laugh. He hadn't pressurized the suit, leaving it ridiculously baggy on his skinny frame. It reminded me of how puffy Emile got whenever he accidentally gave himself a little zap moving too fast through some of the metal vents. Shinji himself seemed happy with the result, however.

"Hey, this is actually pretty airy," he said. "I think I can hide you in the collar."

Before I could protest he picked me up and stuffed me in said collar, on the nape of his neck. The suit material had an unpleasant smell to it, still carrying the scent of cleaning products and whatever industrial processes had made the thing. The collar was already a bit of a tight fit, sandwiching me between it and his clammy skin. Why humans made so much sweat, I didn't know, and I didn't like it.

"You good?" he asked. "One tap for no, two for yes."

I reluctantly tapped him twice.

"Okay, then I think we might actually have something," Shinji said. "Now... oh wait, I have to press the wrist button like Dr. Akagi said."

My eyes widened. I almost forgot about that particular function of the plugsuit.

"Hey kid, wait!" I protested. "It's vac-"

I didn't get the rest out before I found myself getting pressed against the suit like a vise, my face forced into his smelly skin as the suit shrink-wrapped about his body. Rats actually have collapsible skeletons, which is good for getting into tight fits, but not great for getting vacuum-sealed. I was flattened into a little rat pancake against his body, the air forced out of my lungs.

This is usually the part where you panic. Which I definitely did. And when rats panic, we tend to do that thing that usually solves most of our problems.

CHOMP

鼠

Ritsuko was just about at the end of the hallway when he heard the high-pitched shriek of pain from the locker room. Immediately she froze, the unlit cigarette in the corner of her mouth forgotten. Possibilities raced through her mind. Did the pilot have an accident? Had some assassin somehow slinked in unseen? Or-

"Okay! Okay! I'm getting the suit off!"

Her eyes widened. The rat.

She raced back down the hallway, regretting her insistence on wearing heels all the time as she was forced into an awkward trot, shoes clacking loudly in the empty hallway. She held her wrist up, ready to call in Section Five at a moment's notice.

"Stay where you are!" she panted, and she promptly regretted the chain-smoking as well.

She burst through the door, shoulders hunched as though she were ready to pounce upon anything small and furry trying to scamper away. Her eyes searched the room frantically, before falling upon the obviously-shocked Third Child.

A Third Child who had his plugsuit on, and was curiously(?) absent a rat.

"Um," Shinji said, brow scrunched in concern. "Is everything alright, Dr. Akagi?"

"I-" she began, then clicked her jaw shut. She straightened. "I heard a shout."

The boy blushed. "Oh, that was... um... it got too tight around..."

She blinked, feeling a blush of her own come on. "Oh. I should've warned you about that."

"It's alright," he said. One of his nerve clips was off-kilter, and he hurriedly fixed it. "I'm all set now."

She coughed and straightened, smoothing out her lab coat. "That's good. Since I'm here, I might as well escort you to the Eva cage, in case you get lost."

"Oh, okay," Shinji said, unsteadily.

The two walked down the hall in silence, broken only by the click-clacking of her heels and the near-constantly squeaking of his plugsuit. The boy seemed uncomfortable, but that admittedly might've just been the fact he was wearing a skintight suit. She occasionally flitted her eyes to the side, as if expecting to find the lump of a vacuum-sealed rat hidden on his back or elsewhere.

Shinji caught notice, and looked over with a concerned look. "Um, are you okay? Your eye's..."

She rubbed the corner of her eye, trying to hide the twitch. "Just a tic. Nothing to worry about."

鼠

Thank goodness Shinji washed his hair. I don't think I could've handled the smell otherwise.

My little heart was still pounding in my chest even by the time we got to the Eva cage. It was nothing short of miraculous luck that one of the A10 nerve clips was actually just hollow plastic, meant to serve as a balance to the real clip so it wouldn't slide off the pilot's head. The dark line was actually just dark translucent glass, meaning I could see the outside world.

The Evangelion looked just as awe-inspiring the second time around, submerged up to its shoulders in LCL. The smell of blood still drilled into my nostrils, but I managed to keep from making a fuss, especially considering Dr. Akagi was right next to me.

"Well, this is where you climb in," she said, gesturing to the open entry plug. "Good luck, Shinji."

I nearly slipped out as Shinji nodded his head awkwardly, and then the boy started climbing into the plug. Something told me he still wasn't used to it. Why? Well, the top of the hatch was coming a bit close towards the top of his head, and fast at that. Even if he wasn't hiding a rat in his hair it would've ruined his day, and that's not getting into how it would've ruined my day. Mainly by getting me thrown into an incinerator.

I grabbed his hair and tugged, hoping it would alert him, but instead I discovered fire.

The kid did a near ninety-degree bend back, limbo-walking into the plug, and as I stopped pulling he straightened again like someone had let go of a bowstring, nearly falling forward into his seat. He stiffened, clearly not expecting that just as much as I had, then looked back at Dr. Akagi and giggled nervously.

"Almost bumped my head there."

She just looked at him tiredly, then motioned for the hatch to shut. Shinji sat in the control seat, gripping the yokes.

"How did you do that?" he whispered.

I shrugged, still holding his hair, and suddenly he shrugged with me. I couldn't see his face, but something told me his eyes turned as wide as mine. When I tugged the hair to left, and his arms went in that direction, the realization hit me.

It hit him, too. "Remy, I think we just found our in."

鼠

The atmosphere in the testing control room was off, Misato noticed as she ducked inside. There was a mountain of paperwork still on her desk, but she figured that was less important than checking on the pilot.

"So how did the simulations go?" she asked, plopping on the spare swivel chair.

"About as expected," Ritsuko said, not looking away from the computer. "Disastrous."

"That bad, Rits?" Misato started spinning the chair around, arms behind her head. "He beat the Angel in real life."

"He got lucky, if you remember his flailing and tripping," Ritsuko said. "He was hardly any better this time. He moved around like he was half a marionette, the other half like Frankenstein's monster. He only managed to repeat his success in one test, out of twenty-five. In the rest he lost to the Angel, and in half of those he destroyed more of the city than it."

"Hey, that's better than destroying the city in all of them," Misato supplied helpfully. "Anyway, you done with him for the day?"

The scientist sighed. "Yes. But he'll need to go in tomorrow as well. We have no idea when the next Angel is coming, and if he doesn't improve soon, we're doomed."

"Well, you know what they say- if at first you don't succeed, try try again."

"Sun Tzu?" Ritsuko supplied, smirking.

Misato gave a smirk of her own. "Mickey Mouse."

Ritsuko snapped a look her way, and Misato couldn't help but laugh. She was still chuckling as she made her way out of the room.

鼠

It was close to seven in the evening when they got back to the apartment, after picking up some takeout. Misato called the school and told them Shinji was going to take the day off for rest- he was tempted to tell her that he could go in, if only so he wouldn't have nothing to do but focus on how badly the simulation training had gone.

He picked at his fried noodles, resting his cheek on his palm as he stared at his plate. Remy was similarly mopey, half-heartedly nibbling on a grape he'd put in a small teacup for him. Misato didn't seem very happy with sharing the table with a rat, but he figured he was still riding on the wave of saving the world from a giant monster yesterday.

"Oh, what's there to be so glum about!" she suddenly exclaimed cheerfully, waggling her beer can at him.

He looked her way, and out the corner of his eye he saw Remy do the same.

"So what if your first tests went bad? Everyone sucks at the beginning, Shinji. First time I got into a driver's seat, I gave my instructor whiplash just from hitting the accelerator. So know what I did? I practiced. I tried new ways of practicing, until I found the right way, and then I kept on practicing until I could pass my test."

Considering the way she drove, maybe not the best analogy, Shinji thought. Then again, she'd managed avoid getting pancaked by a giant monster foot. Maybe she was right.

She finished her beer, then stood up with her plate. "You just need to practice. Like that British song. You get knocked down, but you get up again, and ain't nobody ever gonna keep you down."

Despite himself, he smiled at that, and she smiled as well.

"I'm going to get some sleep. You don't have school tomorrow, so don't worry about staying up too late."

She padded to her room, and shut the door. It was almost immediately that she started snoring like a chainsaw, and Shinji shook his head in astonishment. He looked back to his dish, idly watching his hand pick up the noodles with the chopsticks. He remembered as a child how hard it'd been to get the hang of it, but now the dexterous movement seemed like-

His eyes widened, and he set the chopsticks down, looking to Remy. The rat seemed surprised by the sudden change in demeanor, looking back with a confused expression.

"Wait here," he said.

He hurried over to his room, rifling through the small boxes that held all of his possessions until he found what he'd sought, and marched back to the dining room.

"I know you want to practice," he told Remy. "You're not mopey from the simulations. You're frustrated. You're itching to try again."

Remy nodded, seemingly pleased that Shinji understood that.

"So, let's practice." Shinji plopped the book down and pointed at the cover. "Anyone Can Cook, by Auguste Gusteau. I've made just about every recipe here. I might not be a pilot, but I know how to handle a knife."

Remy arched a furry eyebrow at him.

"I'm trying to say is that if you watch me cook, and you can do that hair thing with me and get it even half as good, you'll be all set to practice in the simulator."

The rat nodded slowly, clearly warming up to the idea.

"So, you in?"

Remy puffed up his chest and gave a firm nod, a knowing look on his face. Shinji managed a grin in return.

"Then let's do this thing."

鼠

The kitchen seemed different now, and I'm not just talking about the fact Shinji cleaned it. The sun had set, deepening the shadows cast by the ceiling lights, giving the place the air of something vaunted and esteemed. This was no longer a modern kitchen with slightly tacky interior decor, but a place where Important Things happened.

Standing on the counter, I watched as Shinji splayed out the ingredients he'd insisted on getting during the shopping trip with Misato. Which, when you compared it to the mountain of frozen meals and junk food she also bought, was not exactly a lot. I sniffed at the assorted herbs and vegetables, studying some like I'd never seen them before. Which I hadn't. I could recognize the smells from some of the stuff people ate at the Geofront, but it wasn't like people were bringing in raw vegetables.

"Okay, so..." Shinji's lips moved silently as he took stock of the ingredients. "I think there's a recipe we can make with this. Potato leek soup. It's not my favorite, but it should be good practice."

He held out his hand. "So, um, let's get to it."

I hopped onto his palm, and tried not to look uncomfortable as he hoisted me up and dropped me onto his head. The view was more than a little surreal as I watched him move about the kitchen, grabbing cooking implements- I wasn't used to feeling so tall. Then again, in the Eva I had felt really tall.

"Let's start with some of the simpler stuff, okay?" Shinji said. "Chopping the leeks. That should be good, right? It's not heart surgery, I mean."

I shrugged, then remembered he actually couldn't see me because I was on top of his head. Trying to talk with humans was getting really tiresome.

He grabbed a leek from the bag and washed it in the sink before setting it down on the cutting board. Then he grabbed a big knife, and I suddenly began to wonder if this was a good idea.

"Watch me first, remember?"

I watched, all right. I watched him hold down the leek with one hand, fingers curled inwards so that his knuckles were the ones pushing the vegetable down, and then I watched his other hand become a blur as he chopped the leek like a machine, that big knife becoming an industrial laser cutter as he made perfectly even slices. I didn't even have time to process what he did before there was suddenly a pile of chopped vegetable on the cutting board.

"You got that?" he asked. "Wait, you can't... uh, one tap for no, two for yes."

I paused, then slowly tapped twice.

"Okay, so try it yourself now." He grabbed another leek, then waited, expectant. "You got this."

I grabbed his hair, giving a few experimental tugs until I found my footing, so to speak. One of his hands waved in the air, then slapped down on the leek. I managed to reposition it to look more like how he'd done it, though I couldn't get the knuckles to curl.

Now, it was time for the knife. The big, sharp knife, longer than I was tall. I gulped, watching his hand jerk into motion as I pulled on his hair, and for a moment I could see my nervous reflection in the blade. It reminded me of the prog knife I'd seen in the schematics.

That actually calmed me down a little, putting it in terms like that. I straightened my posture, my grip on the hair more sure. The cooking knife was now a prog knife, Shinji my Eva. And that leek? That leek was an Angel that needed to be stopped. I could do this. I saved the world from the Angel, and I could chop a leek.

"What's taking so lo-"

鼠

"You know," Shinji said, wrapping the bandage around his fingertip, "it's kinda amazing Misato didn't hear me. I'm starting to think the apartment could catch fire and she'd sleep through it."

I shot him a guilty look, paws behind my back. Thankfully, the boy didn't seem to be the type who held grudges, and let me tell you, that felt strange. Most humans would've tried to stomp on me just for existing too close to them, but this kid was able to forgive a rat actually hurting him? Yui was my favorite human, but this kid was already a close second.

Once the bandage was on, he held out his hand again. "Let's try something without pointy things."

I stared at his palm, then looked back up to him. I guess he was good at reading rat expressions now, because he offered a little warm smile of his own.

"We're partners, remember?"

I hopped onto his palm, and once again I was hoisted onto his head. Shinji grabbed an apron and tied it on, then took it off. I tilted my head, wondering what he was trying to get at.

"I don't think we're going to make a soup in one night," he said. "I mean, we are, but it's going to be terrible. Just awful. I don't think even Misato would eat it. But it's like the first pancake, you know? It's always bad, but that doesn't mean you should throw out the mix."

I didn't know much about pancake-making, but I knew what he was getting at. Yui had talked about the years of trial and error she went through I tapped him twice to get it across, and he nodded.

"We need to start with the most basic stuff." He waggled the apron in his hand. "Before you cook, you need to be prepared for it."

Grabbing his hair, I slowly directed his hands to raise the apron over our heads, and then managed to get the loop around his neck. It wasn't much, but in that moment it felt like I'd beaten the Angel all over again.

鼠

"How'd he do today?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko offered a wry look. "He managed to get two kills this time around, after only destroying half the city."

鼠

Everything else was out of sight and out of mind, the entire universe consisting only of a sprig of rosemary and two hands that were not my own. He made picking the leaves look so much easier than it actually was, as I tried to direct his now-clumsy fingers to pinch one. These leaves were the size of bananas compared to me -figuratively speaking, actual bananas are huge when you're a rat- but when I was piloting Shinji they seemed so much smaller.

I leaned in, and he did the same as I pulled on his hair, eyes squinting as I tried to pick the leaf off. I was so close I could practically taste the rosemary...

I lost my footing as Shinji leaned in too far, and began to fall with a shriek. Reflexively my paws reached out and grabbed his hair to try and keep from slipping off his head.

We learned two things that night. One, that I could just bring the rosemary to me instead. And two, that Shinji could pull a perfect backflip if you knew where to pull his hair.

鼠

"Any better?"

"Four victories today. He can actually aim the pallet rifle in the Angel's general direction now."

鼠

"Remember, it's just quick pulses at first before you puree," Shinji warned.

I nodded, keeping one of his hands clamped on the lid of the blender. I directed his other hand, and with a finger pushed the first setting. The sautéed potatoes danced for a moment in the cream, finer than they had been before. I pressed the button again, and again, quick pulses just as he said. Then, I set it to puree, and the mixture began to become smooth and creamy.

I was starting to get the hang of it. I scratched my ear absentmindedly-

-and quickly remembered that meant Shinji's hand did the same. Suddenly that creamy potato mixture was not just in the blender, but on the counter, on the wall, and on me.

I let go of his hair, not sure of what to do with my hands. Shinji sighed and wiped his face clean.

鼠

"How about now?"

"Only six wins today, but he's getting more precise. Even in his losses he's not trashing the city."

鼠

I stared at my mortal enemy, that confounding stem of green and white that lay on the cutting board. Then, I looked to the knife in Shinji's hand- no, our hand. In the blade's reflection, I could see both my and Shinji's faces. He looked into my eyes.

"You ready?"

I nodded.

I laid his hand on the leek, and for a moment I looked at the healing cut on his index finger. Then, I curled it and its siblings inward, so that his knuckles held the vegetable down. With his other hand, I positioned the knife over the tip of the leek, the blade poised to start its work.

Then, I sliced down, and chopped a piece off.

I was slower than him, a lot slower, and the cuts were not as even. And yet all the same there was a pile of diced leek on the cutting board in the end, sans any fingers a la Shinji. The little mound of sliced vegetable seemed to me in that moment the peak of the highest mountain, a mountain he and I just climbed.

Once again I tilted the knife to look at the reflection. There was a knowing look in Shinji's eyes now, and he nodded with a little grin.

I returned the nod.

鼠

Misato realized the atmosphere in the testing control room was different this time around. Ritsuko and the others were hunched over their computers, not with boredom or frustration, but with rapt attention. She sidled on over, peering over her friend's shoulder at the main computer screen.

A simulated version of Unit-01 was on the screen, hunched over in a fighting position as an Angel -modeled after the only sample they had- marched closer. The Eva leveled the pallet rifle at the core, and the gun barked as oversized AP slugs shattered the glittering red sphere. Another Angel began to approach from the side, only to meet a similar fate.

"This is his eight simulation today," Ritsuko said. "He hasn't lost once yet."

Unit-01 began to reload the rifle, only for another Angel to fall upon it and swat the weapon away. The Eva backed away, drawing its prog knife, then lunged forward and stabbed the core in a single fluid motion.

"Wow, and it's only been what, a week?" said Misato.

"He's really been putting the practice in." Ritsuko pointed as Unit-01 began to circle with another Angel. "Just two days ago he had trouble drawing the knife, and now it's practically second nature to him."

"I didn't really think he had it in him," Misato admitted. When the blonde scientist glanced over, she continued. "I mean, in terms of attitude. I remember how he was when his da- the commander told him to pilot."

"Shinji does what he's told to do." Ritsuko took a puff of her cigarette, which Misato felt she'd been doing a lot more of lately. "Even if he doesn't want to. He needs to feel needed."

Misato's lips set into a thin frown. "Maybe. Still... it feels funny. Like he becomes someone else when he's in the Eva."

Ritsuko's eye twitched. "As in someone else is piloting?"

"What?"

The blonde scientist turned her way, a grave expression on her face, and Misato fought the urge to back away. Then Ritsuko let out a little laugh, and somehow that was worse.

"Well, I suppose beggars can't be choosers, Misato. At the very least, we have a functioning pilot."

鼠

Shinji set the steaming bowl on the table. Well, it was actually a short mug, but for the moment it was a bowl, complete with a little teaspoon. Remy's whiskers twitched as he took a sniff of the creamy white soup, and he gave a little nod of approval.

"Hey, we both made it," Shinji replied, sitting down with his own bowl. "This soup wouldn't be here without you."

Reaching over, he grabbed the bottle of sparkling grape juice and uncapped it, before pouring a glass for himself and another for Remy (technically it was just the cap). Swishing the fizzing drink about, he took a sniff, then held up his glass, Remy doing the same in short order.

"To the pilots of Unit-01," he said.

They clinked glasses, then each took a sip before digging into the soup. Shinji took a spoonful, watching as Remy sampled his dish. The rat's whiskers twitched, and Shinji could see that he was trying to not show his actual reaction.

"Yeah, it's not the best recipe. I mean, it's potato and leek soup."

Remy nodded, giving him a resigned look, then took another spoonful. Shinji did the same, and they ate in silence. It might've just been potato and leek soup, but in that moment it didn't taste of cream or broth.

It tasted of victory.

鼠

I was getting used to going to school with Shinji. At first I'd been more than a little nervous to go, surrounded by so many humans with only a cardboard box as protection, and having a backpack swung at me by that Toji kid hadn't exactly helped improve my opinion. But a lot could change in two weeks, and oh boy did they change.

It was hard to believe that a short time ago I could only see humans from the ceiling, or in Yui's videos, always hidden, always one-sided. Now I was on the same level with them, engaging with them. Some of the girls would make faces, then giggle and whisper among themselves when I looked their way, and boys would ask Shinji questions about me. Toji had gone from trying to smoosh me to slipping me peanuts during class.

I didn't even hide in the box anymore. In NERV I might've still been rattus non grata, but here I was one half of Shinji & Remy, the stars of the classroom. Every student knew me by name.

Well, everyone except one.

It was a normal morning, or as normal as it can be when you're a rat secretly piloting an Evangelion, so not very normal at all, but you know what I mean. I was relaxing in my box, reading some article on the laptop with Shinji, when the door opened and I smelled blood.

Whipping my head over, I saw a strange human walk in. A girl, specifically, but she wasn't like any girl I'd met yet. She was paler than what I thought humans could be, with messy blue hair all out of sorts thanks to the medical patch slung over one eye, but the eye that wasn't covered up was blood red. She actually reminded me of my second cousin Charles, but seeing something so ratlike in a person was, well... not great.

"Oh geez, Ayanami's back," Toji muttered. "I was wonderin' why she was gone."

Shinji for his part had done his best to imitate her complexion, and leaned down. His eyes never left her.

"She's the other pilot," he whispered, so low only a rat like me could've heard. "They wheeled her out in a gurney to pilot it before I took her place."

I was beginning to think the leadership at NERV was seriously screwed in the head. The great work of Yui Ikari was the single most important project in history, and they picked a complete rookie and a crippled kid to pilot it?

Ayanami for her part simply strolled into the classroom and took the seat right next to Shinji's. Her face was a total mask, as rigid as the faceplate of the Evangelion. Shinji promptly looked away, his face still as white as a sheet. For my part, my hairs were standing straight- she smelled like blood and antiseptics, but underneath there was something else.

It was a confusing jumble of scents. Now that she was closer I could tell that it was LCL, not blood, based on the lingering stains on her scalp that the soap didn't wash away. Not shampoo- it definitely smelled like she used bar soap to clean her hair, but what was more unsettling was the absence of certain smells in her hair- despite it being as blue as the sky, my nose couldn't find a drop of hair dye.

I sniffed more deeply, picking apart the layers of scents that was Ayanami. Between the LCL and another aroma I couldn't pin down, she actually smelled a little like the Evangelion, but she also still had that familiar human scent. In fact, she actually smelled a little like Shinji.

She straightened suddenly, and I realized she'd noticed my inquisitive sniffing when she turned to look at me. Now that I could look at her face properly, I saw she even looked a little like Shinji, with that same delicate jaw and nose.

"Classmate Ikari," she said.

Behind me I could hear Shinji reluctantly look over. "Oh, um, hello, Ayanami."

"You have a pet rat." A statement, not a question.

"Yeah, uh, his name's Remy."

That red eye continued to look at me as if I'd stolen the One Ring in that book I found. I was beginning to panic, some irrational part of me thinking she was about to use her eye to tell me my future, and so I offered an awkward little wave.

The mask suddenly cracked as she blinked in surprise and that eye widened. Then, the barest phantom twitches of a smile tugged at her lips, like some twitch she was unaware of.

"Hello, Remy," she said.

That look hit me like a mousetrap. Her face, her voice, it was suddenly all so familiar, even past the blue hair and red eyes and all those strange and horrifying smells. My eyes widened. Was she-

The evacuation alarm blared, and the thought was lost.

鼠

"Do we have a heading on the blue pattern?" Misato asked, standing tall on the bridge.

"It's flying in from the southeast, over Atami," Hyuga responded. "It'll be here in five minutes."

"Captain, the JSSDF is requesting that NERV take over defensive operations," Maya added.

Misato grinned. "What a surprise. Is the pilot ready to launch?"

"Unit-01 is primed in elevator A-113," answered Aoba.

"Patch me in."

The secondary screen flickered, showing the interior of the entry plug. Shinji was leaning back, eyes closed. He was gripping the yokes tightly, enough to probably warp the plastic. Misato couldn't blame him, considering what he was about to step into.

"Shinji, be ready to open fire with the rifle once it's close enough for field neutralization," Misato said. "You got this."

He opened his eyes and adjusted his nerve clips. "Yeah... yeah, I got this."

Misato allowed a brief smile. The boy seemed a bit more confident now, far from the tense child who'd stepped out against an Angel with no training. It was time to see if those weeks of practice had finally paid off.

"Unit-01, launch!"

鼠

The sudden acceleration of the elevator nearly threw me out of the nerve clip.

The interior of the plug felt more vibrant than before, the image through the Eva's eyes sharper, even through the plastic that served as my visor. That was definitely good- I'd need as much visibility as possible.

Sunlight flooded the plug as we emerged topside, standing in the middle of the city. Tokyo-3 looked so different in the daytime than at night, the soft lights replaced by glaring steel and chrome. Seeing the sun still took getting used to, after living my entire life underground.

My attention was on something else. A red mass was coming over the mountains, looking awfully like my... well, I shouldn't complete that sentence. It came to a stop a good twenty paces - Eva-sized paces, not rat - away, then righted itself, looming over the surrounding buildings. Rib-like legs twitched and chittered in its thorax, right above a glittering red core half-hidden in its flesh.

The Angel.

I gripped Shinji's hair tightly, his limbs -and by extension the Eva's - becoming my own. This was it. This was what I'd been training weeks for. No, what I'd been preparing my entire life for.

I was a rat, a pest, a low thing that lived in fear of giants. Then in that moment I took a lumbering step forward, the earth shaking beneath my feet, and I too became a giant.

鼠

As soon as the big robot emerged, Toji was regretting letting Kensuke rope him into this. Kensuke for his part simply aimed the camera on the scene before them.

The Evangelion was still for a moment, then it snapped into action like a puppet getting its strings tugged, moving far faster than something that big should've been allowed to. It grabbed a rifle from some cache that'd risen alongside it, a massive artillery weapon that looked like a normal gun in its hands, then leveled it right at the Angel. The air shimmered between the two giants, and Toji swore he could suddenly smell ozone.

The Angel lowered its head over the red thing in its chest just as the rifle opened fire, the flash of the muzzle visible a good few seconds before the sound rolled over Toji. He covered his ears, trying to save his hearing from the roar of the artillery, while Kensuke simply began to grin like a loon.

The Angel's head disappeared in a cloud of greasy black smoke, then emerged from the darkness as it charged the Eva. The upper half looked more like Swiss cheese than a head, but it was still alive, not-fingers twitching. Twin whips spat out of where its shoulders should've been, a blinding violet that left streaks in Toji's vision like superheated wire.

The gun was pulled out of the Evangelion's hands, glowing a dull orange where the whips cut through, but that didn't slow the robot in the slightest. One of the big pieces of armor on its shoulder unfolded, and it grabbed a knife the length of a truck. With the other hand, it took the wires into its grip, even as its palm began to smoke, and sliced right through the whips.

The Angel shrieked, the light in its tendrils dying as they began to spurt blood, and then the Eva tackled it, pinning it to the ground. In an expert motion, it drove the knife into the soft gullet of the creature, then began to saw down. Toji's brow furrowed as he suddenly recalled his fishing trips with his dad, the queasiness as Pops taught him how to clean out a trout. The motions of the Eva were nearly identical.

The core popped free, and the war machine held it on place with one hand, then brought the butt of its knife down on the sphere, neatly cracking it in two.

His brow scrunched again. That was it? The whole battle must've been-

"Twenty-three seconds," Kensuke exclaimed, looking down at the camera. "Holy shit."

Toji looked over. "Think the tv station will only pay by the second?"

"What?" Kensuke loudly asked.

"Ya know, since it's so-"

"WHAT?" Kensuke stuck a finger in his ear, as if trying to dig something out. "SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU."

Toji sighed. "Next time we're getting earplugs."

"WHAT?"

鼠

The bridge was silent for a moment as they watched Unit-01 step back towards the elevator, leaving the corpse of the Angel lying in the street. Hyuga looked like he was about to try and let out a victorious whoop, but the impulse quickly seemed to be smothered by crippling social pressure.

"Mission accomplished, Shinji," Misato said. "Take the elevator back down, like how the simulator showed."

"Understood, Miss Misato," the boy said. He touched his nerve clips again.

The Evangelion locked its feet in, then disappeared from the city skyline. Already recovery teams were swarming the corpse of the Angel, with a fair few focusing on the core.

looked over to Ritsuko. "I think the Evangelion project finally became what it was supposed to be."

Her friend gave a small, awkward smile. "I suppose so."

鼠

The shower was a welcome relief from the smell of LCL and the lingering nervous trembling. The previous half hour seemed like a dream, and perhaps it was for the best so that the terror of fighting an Angel remained distant, instead replaced with a growing excitement of their accomplishment.

Shinji focused that onto scrub the gunk out of his hair as hard as possible. He was still in his plugsuit, the foamy water running down the rubbery material like a raincoat. It was watertight, after all, but the more pressing concern was the other pilot cleaning himself off in the shower.

Remy looked like a miniature Abominable Snowman, all lathered up in shampoo as he sat on one of the ledges meant for soap bars, and Shinji couldn't help but chuckle as he guided the showerhead over his friend and rinsed him off.

The chuckling died down as he thought back. He'd just called Remy a friend. It was strange, thinking that, and stranger still to mean it.

He'd never had friends before.

He smiled. "I don't know about you, but I think we should treat ourselves tonight. I think Miss Misato will say yes after what we just pulled off."

Remy nodded, shaking the excess water out of his fur.

Shinji's smile turned into a knowing grin. "Personally, I'm thinking sashimi."

鼠

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Anyone Can Be a Pilot, Chapter Deux