"Alright you motherfuckers put your hands where I can see them your breaking and entering!" Frank said with his M1911 in his hand. He had kept his service weapon clean and free of debris all his life since Korea.
The manor he had been caretaker of for decades had been broken into. He it was the usual hoodlums from the village trying to make his life difficult after the original owners where found dead. Learning their beliefs on that incident from their parents and what not. He had assumed they broke in and started a fire. But after shuffling uphill with his flip phone in hand to call the coppers he was surprised to find the fire in a controlled blaze in the fireplace. It didn't seem to be natural for some odd reason either. He had snuck to the door to hear them discussing plans. Something about attacking a sporting event and a boy called Harry Potter. Whoever he was, wherever he was, a child was in danger from what where clearly some kind of separatist movement terrorists.
"You are mistaken my dear man. I am Thomas Marvolo Riddle Jr. The owner of this fine manor. And I thank you dear man, for taking care of it and the grounds for me for these many many years. My assistant, Mr. Pettigrew." He introduces a man to his right who gave Mr. Bryce the impression of an untrustworthy, swarthy rat.
Riddle. The name sounded familiar.
"Are you related to the Riddles who died here?" Frank asked.
"Oh yes. In fact I was the one who murdered them. First my filthy father, then dear grandmama and grandpapa."
"Why are you telling me this?" Frank demanded. Grasping his pistol and aiming it toward the back of the chair.
"Because my dear Muggle, dead men tell no tales."
Frank screamed as the chair turned and green light flashed toward him. He was dead before he hit the floor.
"Dinner, Nagini." The voice said in parsletongue.
In the pits of Hell, deep in the circle of Pride, a boy owl woke with a start gasping and drenched in sweat.
Harry Ramses Goetia checked his Hellphone. 2:39 am. July 30
Tomorrow was his Fourteenth birthday.
Harry Ramses Goetia is a soon to be fourteen year old young Goetian Owl But he wasn't always. During his 12th year a mysterious entity had been going around his wizarding school Hogwarts where he went to learn the fine arts of Magic. The entity had petrified several people including Harry's older sister Octavia who had been the beasts first victim.
Said Beasty turned out to be a Basilisk which quite simply was an enormous 80 foot venomous serpent. Harry fought the monstrous snake and just as his father the Great Prince Stolas arrived with sword in hand, Harry plunged his Hellfire coated knife into the snakes brain being bitten in the process.
Acting quickly as his only son laid dying, Stolas cut open his left breast and beought the humans head to it. Harry fed on his fathers blood. The ancient demonic blood expelled the poison and transformed him into the young owl he is today.
His past year was spent adjusting to his new body. Going through some intense physical therapy with his sister Octavia. On his 13th birthday he had been gifted his first live ammo gun by his Grandfather the Overlord Sir Pentious. Known in life as Charlus Potter, with no morals and wife left to nag him, he went full blown mad scientist in his afterlife. Crafting a large pistol he dubbed The Jackal, he had Harrys imp father Blitzo present it to him during his 13th birthday party in the Wrath Ring at his SatanMother Millie the Imps family farm.
it was quite the eventful year. With Harry now legally allowed a Voxtagram account, with his sister Octavia's help showing him the ropes he was now amassing followers by the thousands daily with his antics and shenanigans usually involving violence and death.
Even though he didn't really need the money, he was monetized and everything. With companies from Hell vying for his attention and cooperation, pleading for his approval for sponsorships. Only two products he actually used daily he opted in on the sponsorship, a headphone company that actually made excellent quality headphones for gaming and casual listening, and a shopping website similar to amazon that made reading tablets he liked.
A recent offer had gave him pause. The Triple Vs had asked for advertising space on his page.
Velvet, Vox and Valentino. 3 Overlords who ran the narcotics and sex, electronics/internet and social media industries in Hell. What gave him pause is the fact that a few months ago when he had a day with his dad Blitzo the Imp that some loan sharks his dad stole a My little pony toy from had threatened to sell him to Valentino to cover his dads debt over the toy.
As if Harry would let that happen.
still, the fact that this dream about who he was sure was Voldemort at this point unnerved Harry. He needed sage guidance and wisdom.
He knew his father had extra paperwork for grievances, Harry pulled on his My Little Pony PJ top and trodded sleepily through the palace hallways toward his fathers study.
yawn* "Dad can I talk to yo-"
"Oh fuck!" Came a moan/look of shock from Blitzo. Clearly in the act of orgasming.
Harry's eyes widened. His imp Dad Blitzo was sitting nude on his owl Fathers desk. Harry noticed Stolas' Head between his legs. Obviously in the act of oral sex. He saw white goo get blobbed on his head.
Harry quickly slammed the door shut and shuddered.
"Oh my god you saw them together didn't you?" Octavia said the next morning.
Harry had a disturbed look on his face as he rocked back and forth in their restaurant booth style breakfast nook. He nodded.
Octavia laughed. "Ah it was only a manner of time. Happened to me too when I was about 13.
"Hey champ." Came the voice of Blitzo cautiously. Obviously aware of the fact their youngest child caught them in the act in the wee hours of the morning.
Harry shuddered again.
"Alright I'm not gonna beat around the Bush here you saw us last night didn't you?" The imp asked as he slid into the booth next to Harry.
Harry shuddered again.
"Happens to EVERYONE kiddo I know it's a shock to see but every couple has relations. What you saw was a very natural and beautiful thing about life."
Another shudder.
"Octavia?" Blitzo looks to the teenage Owlette.
"Don't bring me into this Papa this is on you guys." Octavia said after she blew on her coffee and sipped. "I'm not the parent."
"Harry." Came the voice of Stolas as said owl came in the kitchen in his traditional morning garb he of his red bath robe. "Good morning Princess." The Owl man said kissing Octavia on the cheek.
Octavia finished her coffee. "Talk to your son dad. I'm off to school. I'll see you at winter break." Octavia kisses Blitzo and Stolas on the cheek before slinging a duffel bag over her shoulder. She also kisses Harry on the cheek goodbye before leaving the kitchen.
"We know you didn't expect to find us, in that way?" Stolas looks to Blitzo for support.
"Don't ask me I never saw my parents porking."
"Oh Lucifer." Harry said before pulling up a paper bag and throwing up.
"Oh stop being so dramatic, look ya walked in on us having sex. Shit happens bucko. Your parents have sex. Sometimes late at night to get stressed out Owl men to relax."
"Now NOW Blitzy." Stolas said. "Harry he's right. We have sex. Plenty of it. Our relationship is healthy. But do try to knock next time at the very least? Then this will never happen again."
"Okay." Harry said calming down a bit.
"Who wants sausage?" Boxley asked carrying in breakfast franks and eggs.
Harry barfed one more time in his bag.
"Now That that's taken care of and out of your system," Blitzo said after breakfast had been eaten. "What's on your mind kiddo?"
"Yes why did you have to interrupt Daddy's Snu Snu?" Stolas asked.
"Sweet Satan." Harry groaned. "I had a bizarre dream. It was like I was watching a film, but through the eyes of somebody.
Stolas and Blitzo looked at each other. "Whose eyes?" Stolas asked.
"Pretty sure it was Voldemort. He murdered an old man and fed him to a giant anaconda. He has Pettigrew acting as his caretaker."
Stolas looked ponderous. Staring at his only son oddly as if calculating something in his head. "Have you had dreams like this before?"
"Once? I think? It was in a misty forest and a rat came up to me."
Stolas and Blitzo looked at each other.
"I'll bring this up to Head Giver." Blitzo whispered to Stolas as he got up. "There's been more than one incidence."
"Yes please do." Stolas whispered back. "Should I tell Boxley to expect you for dinner tonight?"
"Yes. And tell him to take a little blue pill after."
"I can hear you you know." Harry said. "My hearing is as good as Papa and Vias now."
"Well that's what ya get for eavesdropping." Blitzo said. "Not only are your parents sexually active we also have others we involve in our sex life too, wanna know everything?"
"Lucifer NO!" Harry fled from the kitchen.
"I'll go talk to him." Stolas said, giggling. "But in all seriousness, if Voldemort is becoming active again-"
"We need all hands on deck." Blitzo said.
Kissing his husband deeply, Blitzo opened a portal to the Headmasters Office at Hogwarts as Stolas left the kitchen to go give their youngest The Talk.
To be continued...
so welcome to An Imps Guide To Burning Goblets. Shit is gonna hit the fan. Prepare yourselves.