A/N: I don't own Equestria Girls. The following retelling of MLP Equestria Girls contains strong language, violence and some nudity. Reader Discretion is Advised. For user retro mania.
Eqestria Girls: Re-Educated.
Chapter 1: Pursuit
(Celestia's Palace)
"Who did this?!" Asked Princess Celestia.
"Princess Celestia, what's wrong?!" Asked her faithful student Twilight.
"The Element of Friendship has been stolen!" Said Celestia.
"HOLY FUCK-BALLS!" Said Pinkie Pie.
"Shut yer' fancy talkin' yapper!" Said Apple Jack.
"Where did you last see it?" Asked Rarity.
"Under this magic container….oh no…." Said Celestia.
"Princess?" Asked Twilight.
"In order for this barrier to open, one must use magic but only magic from Royal Princesses, students and…expelled students." Said Celestia.
"Wait…..you had another student?" Asked Twilight.
"Yes her name was Sunset Shimmer. She was a very gifted unicorn and while stronger than Trixie, was ten times more ambitious, greedy as well as mischievous, and by mischievous I mean a bully prankster bitch."
"Ouch." Said Rainbow Dash.
"Okay, since I'm almost a princess, can I track her magic down?" Asked Twilight.
"Sorry but to do that you must be crowned but she also took the real crown and replaced it with a fake one." Explained Twilight.
Twi reads an inscription on the fake crown: "Made by Hasbro, TM."
"She's crafty, since the crown has just been stolen she couldn't have gotten far right?" Asked Twilight.
"I can send my animal friends." Offered Fluttershy.
"And I can cover a lot of ground very fast." Added Rainbow Dash.
"True, but I don't think she's in our world anymore." Said Celestia.
"Is she dead?" Asked Pinkie Pie.
"No, as in she's in a different realm. Twilight, I can sense a faint magic trail leading to this portal. You must go and retrieve the Element of Magic, without it the other Elements won't work. Normally this would only be Twilight's journey but given the protection Shimmer has you'll need your friends to go with you."
"Don't worry Twilight, I'm coming to." Said Spike.
"Thanks but won't that disturb the balance between the realms?" Asked Twilight.
"Also True but we don't have time or any other options. I will brief you from the other side, NOW GO!" Shouted Celestia, not in an angry way but more of a "Time is of the Essence" sorta way.
And like that, Twilight Sparkle and her friends travel to the human world.
(Human World.)
"Uuuugh my aching head and…huh? AAAAAAH!" Twilight freaks out as a human.
She had thicc thighs, c cup breasts, bald landing strip under her panties and was wearing a schoolgirl uniform.
As she took in her surroundings, Twilight was standing near an inner city school with Shadman graffiti, stores with signs saying "XXX", gutted buildings with boarded up windows and burned out structures as if she was in the heart of Detroit Michigan.
"Don't worry Twilight, you are in human form and must find your friends." Celestia communicates telepathically.
"But why as humans?"
"Because talking magical ponies stick out like CIA agents at a Union Rally."
"Okay so I'll link up with my friends and we'll snatch the Element of Magic back."
"Unfortunately Shimmer has many allies; you must also find your counterparts."
"Counterparts?"
"As in, there are other human versions of you and your friends, they are troubled but by helping them they will help you get the Element back. Don't give up, I have faith in you, my fine-ass student."
"Huh?"
"Oh uh I mean my finesse student! So uh yeah good luck!"
"Thanks."
Twilight made her way down the streets looking for her friends.
She saw brawlers, gamblers, drunks, Vappers, and people using Fidget spinners.
Twilight felt very uneasy.
She backs up against a fence, only for a big pit-bull to bark menacingly at her from the other side.
"EEK!" Said Twilight.
"Outta my way BITCH!" Said a gruff guy.
"Oof!" Said Twilight.
"I'll pay ya $20.00 for a new pair of panties, mine got torn off from a client." Said a prostitute.
"Sorry I only have one pair." Said Twilight.
"Well fuck you too then, PURPLE CRACKAH' BITCH!" She gave her the middle finger and strutted away.
"Hey wouldn't mine tapping that ass." Said a construction worker.
"Yeah she's probably a Virgin all nice and tight." Said another construction worker.
"I want 'em alone and vulnerable." Said a female construction worker.
As Twilight was getting shoved, Cat-called and cursed at, she saw what looked like wounded/dead rival gang members getting loaded onto ambulances.
Twilight tried taking a shortcut through what looked like an abandoned alley.
She felt so dirty and wanted to vomit, how could people be like this?
"HI DIDDLY HO DER' STRANGER!" Said a Druggie.
"OH SHIT EEK!...Pinkie?" Asked Twilight.
The figure looked like a human Pinkie Pie but had a receding hairline, missing teeth and scars on her face that looked like she had been picking at something. To top it all off, she had dried up, crusty white splotches on her clothes, cheeks and what was left of her hair.
"Yup that's my name! Wanna get high?"
"No thanks, Pinkie Pie it's me Twilight!"
"Wait, are you one of those new dealers in town?"
"No Pinkie, it's me Twilight Sparkle! We were sent by Princess Celestia to find the Element of Harmony!" Explained Twilight.
"Doesn't sound like any trip I've ever had. Are you high and if you are, can I have whatever you're smokin'?" She reaches for her old crack pipe.
"I don't do drugs!" Said Twilight.
"Oh no it's McGruff the Crime Dog! PLEASE DON'T TAKE A BITE OUT OF MY ASS! WHAT WOULD SMOKEY THE BEAR THINK?!" Pinkie started tripping balls and acting like a rabid animal.
Then Twilight remembered What Celestia told her, not the fine ass part, but the other stuff.
"Oh you poor thing, here wanna be my friend?" Asked Twilight.
Druggie Pinkie shot up smiling.
"NEW FRIEND? NEW DRUGS? NEW ADVENTURE? SURE YIPPIE KAI AYE! HEY YOU HAVE A DOGGIE ARF ARF ARF!" She shook Twilight's hand strong yet crazy.
"WOAH OKAY!" Said Twilight.
"Twilight what are we gonna do?" Asked Spike.
"GASP! A talking dog! Do you have any Scooby Snacks?!" Asked Druggie Pie.
The actual Pinkie Pie shows up.
"Wow this place is big and icky, Hi Twilight I just woke up and GASP! Are you my long lost twin sister?" Original Pinkie asked Druggie Pinkie.
"Twin sister? Family? Paternity test? NO MAURY POVICH I CAN'T BE THE FATHER! I DON'T HAVE A COCK OR CAJONES! I DID NOT SLEEP WITH THAT BROAD! THE LYING BITCH IS A MATTRESS HOPPER!" Said Druggie Pinkie.
"Bitch? Which bitch? You mean that Bitch who stole the crown? Or the Bitch named Spike?" asked OG Pinkie Pie.
"Hey I'm a boy dog not a girl dog!" Said Spike.
"What Crown? A Burger King Crown or White Castle Crown?" Asked Druggie Pie.
"No Celestia's Magical Crown, with the element of Harmony." Said Spike.
"Huh? Why did you think of Burger King and White Castle?" Asked Actual Pinkie.
"Oh no Sorry I got the munchies, I did see a girl with bacon hair." Said Druggie Pinkie.
"Grrrr we're not getting any…..wait…..bacon hair?" Asked Twilight.
"Huh I didn't know people could grow bacon hair?" Asked Clean Pinkie.
"Yeah I thought I was on drugs but my high was lost." Said Druggie Pie.
"Look this is important, where did you last see this bacon-haired girl and how long ago?" Asked Twilight.
"Hmmm about 20ish minutes ago at the school, I also saw a boy with blue hair." Said Druggie Pinkie.
"uh ooookay, do you know where school is?" Asked Twilight.
"School grounds? Friends? SURE SURE SURE!" Druggie Pinkie hugs Twilight.
"Uh Pinkie what are those white stains?"
"Good question: when I was giving head for drug cash, some white goo came out of their peepees."
Twilight's eyes bulged.
"EW EW EW EW EW EW! PINKIE YOU COULD HAVE DISEASES!"
"Oh don't worry they are dried up….."
Twilight finds a bathouse, tosses her clothes in a dumpster and cries while trying to disinfect her whole body.
Miraculously, any STD cells had already been dead when the stains dried up but Twilight was in zero mood to get any sexual disease or disease in general.
She dries off and buys an anime schoolgirl uniform.
"Hey Twilight sorry about the hug….."
"YOU COULD'VE GIVEN ME A PLETHORA OF STD'S YOU FUCKING MORON!" Roared Twilight Sparkle.
"Twilight I'm sorry….I wanted to give you a hug….." Said Druggie Pinkie all sad.
"Look, thank you….. thank you, thank you…..thank you… just….don't do that again, NEVER again...Ever." Said a calmed Twilight.
"Okay let's do drugs and stay in school!" She drags Twilight, Spike and other Pinkie to the school, picking up Shimmer's bacon hair scent like a bloodhound.
A/N: The Adult Adventure Begins!