January 1st, 2014

Wowser.

I can't believe we made it to 2014. That makes it seem more real. Somehow, Chloe and I really will get to see a new year.

Chloe gave me this new journal, which was so so thoughtful of her. It's really gorgeous, leather bound and moleskin pages. She told me she saw my old one was full and went out to get me this one so I can fill the pages in with new drawings and memories. I haven't sketched in a long time, maybe I can start again? Chloe still thinks I should write down all the good stuff to help me keep track of all the good times, and all the bad stuff too so I can help stay grounded.

New year, new journal, new memories, new…life.

It's only fitting the first memory I will journal is a happy one. I never want to forget last night. I want to be able to remember it whenever I need a moment to smile.

Last night was like… finally finding the matching puzzle piece after trying to force the wrong ones to fit together. I guess I don't know how else to describe it? Like something finally fell into place… for both Chloe and I.

Chloe told me on the way to the park that she wants to get a job here in Fork River so we can keep our apartment, and save up for a van to live and travel in. I love that idea, getting to see the world with Chloe? That's been the dream since we were kids. But she's also finding out what she wants to do to help get her life back together. If that's finding a job and working to fix up a van then I'm going to support all her choices the way she always supports mine.

The rest of the night was so much fun. Lots of laughter and good vibes. We found a spot we could actually sit with our blanket with a good view just beneath the trees, and Chloe wrapped us up and me in her arms. It always makes my stomach do flips when she does it, I feel so relaxed like that. Getting to hear her heartbeat – it reminds me it's real and she's alive and with me.

I took a photo of us because the last thing I want to remember of 2013 is how much I'm grateful that we're still here. She's the most important thing in my life.

I heard Chloe sigh just after they announced the countdown and she had this look on her face…that made me think of a soldier who had just been told they could go home after war. I guess Chloe has been in a war of her own for a long time – the universe tried to tear her life apart so many times. It took away her friends, family and her home. I'm probably just as much to blame for that. She looked so sad and tired, and my chest hurt. I just wanted to see her smile again. I wanted Chloe to see what I could see – how strong she is, how beautiful and how much she means to me.

Chloe was looking at me before the crowd started counting down and her eyes were so intense. She stared at me and I had this feeling of warmth and peace and… acceptance. I'd let the world fall apart all over again just to keep looking into her eyes, I've said it before and I'll say it again.

When Chloe asked me to be her New Year's Kiss I didn't hesitate. Not like in her bedroom, back in October, when she dared me for a peck on the lips. This would be different. And Chloe makes me… brave. I already knew I would do it and would never be afraid to kiss Chloe Price ever again.

People say that a true first kiss with someone you love feels like fireworks going off. I didn't know it could be so intense when real life fireworks are actually going off. I could barely hear them anyway, nor the people cheering and clapping in the crowd. I hardly even saw them until we parted for a moment to look at each other. I'll never forget the way colors of red, blue and white reflected in those sparkling blue eyes.

I had to remember to breathe when Chloe smiled at me like she'd won the world.

She laughed kinda breathlessly herself and said that she kinda wished she had her own rewind powers so she could relive that again.

The old Max Caulfield probably would have blushed at Chloe's joke and said something stupid and evasive. The new Max said something I think surprised the both of us a little. I gently pulled her chin down with my hand and told her she doesn't need powers to kiss me pressed our lips together.

It was even better the second time.

I could have lived in that moment for infinity. I kinda did wish I could freeze time, selfishly, just for a moment. Remember the way Chloe's lips felt against mine, the way neither of us could stop smiling and I could actually feel it, the way my arms wrapped around her shoulders and I could feel hers around my waist and… like I said it felt like when two correct puzzle pieces fit into place.

I can't remember who started laughing first or if we both started laughing at the same time. We couldn't stop once we started. At first it was giggling and we looked at each other with big grins on our faces then simultaneously burst into a fit of laughter. We laughed and laughed like idiots and I felt like I was floating, my cheeks hurt from smiling.

She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me down and we kept laughing on the blanket for what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes. I haven't seen Chloe that happy since we were kids and that brings me more joy than I have words for. We didn't have to speak. I forgot about the rest of the world and just enjoyed having our own moment that nothing, not even the universe, could take away from us.

We kissed again on the way home while holding hands underneath the streetlights.

And again when we got back to the apartment.

I had to wonder why we hadn't kissed before all of this. I knew I always wanted to. I guess…it was all about timing.
When we got changed and ready for bed I asked her if we should talk.
Chloe just had this knowing look and said that we didn't need to right then. We had all the time in the world to talk and figure things out, together.

Of course she's right.

I guess we couldn't help it when we started laughing all over again. Or kissing a few more times. It felt like such a relief to, finally… I confessed that I felt like I was in a dream. Chloe wrapped her arms around me and said that if it was then she hoped we both would remember it when we woke up, but either way there was another day ahead of us and it didn't seem so shitty anymore to have something else to look forward to.

Oh, Chloe. I'm with you on that one.

January 3rd, 2014

Chloe has been like a different person in the last three days. I guess we both have been. I still feel like I'm dreaming whenever I kiss her, but nothing feels more natural. But Chloe… when we kiss it's like I get to see a whole other side to her. She smiles bright like a kid, like she's never been hurt. It's only for a moment but I can tell it makes her happy. And if kissing Chloe makes her happy then I might never stop. Seeing her smile is one of my favorite things in the world.

I never knew waking up to someone could be so sweet. Especially because it's just us in our own little world.

I wonder how long this will last, this little bubble of ours. I think that today Chloe must have been thinking the same thing.

When I woke up this morning Chloe told me she had a dream. Another one about Joyce; Chloe got to see her again at the Two Whales diner and they just talked like mother and daughter used to. I was worried at first because Chloe was crying while she told me about the dream, but she reassured me that it was happy tears. I'm still worried if she is okay but I'm sure she'd tell me if she wasn't. She said it inspired her and she wanted to let me know she was going to go for a walk on her own and clear her head.

I stayed home and read a copy of 'Into the Wild' that we found at the second-hand shop. Well, I tried to, but my anxiety flared up like it always does when Chloe and I are apart. It's stupid, I know, but ever since that week I worry something might happen to her. It's been getting better after that morning I saw the doe but today I just couldn't relax, as if it was the first time Chloe had gone out to do something. I had to keep reminding myself that it's only healthy and normal to have alone time and there was nothing to be worried about.

I had to stop myself from tackling the poor girl as soon as she walked back through the door but she smiled and pulled me into a short embrace, and as soon as her lips touched mine I could feel the anxiety melting away. Chloe told me that she'd gone to see if anyone had any jobs but most people are still on holiday in this sleepy town since shops are still shut, so she said she had some time to think.

She sat me down on the couch and told me that she wants to find out what happened in Arcadia Bay after we left. We've both been ignoring all of our texts or messages, worried voicemails, and neither of us have been on social media since. Even the thought of it makes me shake and I got a bit distant, so Chloe kissed me and it was like everything came back into focus then. She really knows how to ground me even if I can get lost in her eyes.

I admitted that I feel really bad that the only messages I've read or replied to are from my parents. I'm too scared to find out who sent me something…or who could never text me again. I'm also scared of what I might do if I finally know. I've been so selfish building this bubble around us while ignoring the rest of the world. I'm scared of falling apart and I'm scared of hurting Chloe even more than I already have.

It's like Chloe can read my mind sometimes because she held my hand and told me that we didn't have to do it today, but we should find out soon even if it's one step at a time. Chloe said we'd do it together, just like how it was when I called my parents, and whatever happens we'll get through it.

I trust her, we're going to have to start facing reality again if we want to move on.

January 5th 2014

I fought with my parents today. And cried a lot. God, Max. You really are a mess.

I know I can't blame them for how they feel. I know they love me and that they're great parents. I know I've hurt them so much just like I've fucking hurt so many people and destroyed-

Shit.

I'm going to stop there before I get too deep into that. Chloe's been trying so hard to stop me from talking to myself that way, and I have to admit all it does it pull me down deeper into this darkness.

Fuck.

Okay, first – I'll write about the good things that happened today before I forget.

Our lovely neighbor Ms. Hawkins visited today with some more food for us. She made us this casserole and it really was delicious, Chloe and I had some for lunch. She's so sweet and caring, I think she wants to cook for us all the time because she misses her family. She told me a week ago that she thought I was a bit too skinny and if I were her granddaughter she'd cook for my every meal. She wasn't wrong – I had lost a lot of weight, and I've managed to put on enough that I am starting to look normal again. The world needs more people like Shelly. Chloe really likes her too.

Chloe and I went for a walk around town on a job search and it was really nice. We held hands and dreamed up ideas for ridiculous jobs we'd both do if we could. There was the obvious of the dreams we had as kids – Captain Chloe and First Mate Max, Chloe the Bodyguard and Max the world-traveling Photographer. It was fun, imagining a future with no limits.

We went into that diner we spent Christmas Eve in and asked the waitress if she knew any work available. She said that they didn't have any jobs open but that she remembered there was a laundromat around that was advertising a while back. We thanked her for the heads up and as we left she gave us this bizzaro look and for some reason it's bothered me a little. Was it because Chloe and I were holding hands? I get that this is a small town and all…

Turned out the waitress was right and we found the laundromat with a 'Help Wanted' sign on the door. The woman working there at the desk said to come back tomorrow though, because the boss was off and he would be the one to talk to.

It was when we got back to the apartment that I called my parents like I do most days to keep them sane. I know they've been putting on a façade when they talk to me, calling almost every day is part of our negotiation so they won't come looking for me and take me back to Seattle, and they've been trying not to push anything so they can keep in contact with me. I know that I can't blame them for wanting me to come home.

Mom let me know that she discovered that the few surviving Blackwell Academy students all receive an automatic pass for their year and a full GED. Turns out that's what happens when your school and all its reports and documents get sucked into a murderous vortex – you pass. Who knew?

I don't think anyone was expecting how angry I would get when mom tried to use it as an excuse for me to come home and use the 'free time' to look into colleges in Seattle. I don't think even I thought I would get so mad. Before I really registered what was coming out of my mouth, we were in a full-blown argument. We were swearing and yelling at each other… and crying…Then mom started begging with me all over again and I said again I wasn't ready and we argued back and forth until I screamed. Rage just took over.

I don't remember what was said any more. Mom didn't deserve it.

It's all one sick joke, right?
My classmates die when I get time-traveling powers and just because I lived when a tornado destroyed Blackwell I still get to go to university? Hah.

Fuck you, universe.

I can't even remember hanging up or collapsing on the floor, falling apart. But I do remember Chloe throwing the door open in nothing but a towel. She was soaking wet with conditioner still in her hair and had bolted out mid-shower because of my screaming. Which made me feel even more guilty, I made my mom cry and now Chloe was scared too. I cried even more because of that.

I forget how strong Chloe is. She managed to wrap her arms under me and lift me onto the bed. She rocked me back and forth until I calmed down. I didn't even mind her hair dripping shower-water on my clothes. I wanted to apologize but I couldn't, I couldn't say anything. She asked me what was wrong but I wasn't able to find the right words. I was scared to say the wrong ones and hurt her.

Chloe found this journal and gave it to me. She thinks if I write instead of talking I might be able to figure out what I want to say. She's right, and I'm writing this while I wait for her to get out of the shower. I wonder if Chloe ever kept a journal? She definitely knows what she's talking about. We'll talk about it all when she gets out.

I'm gonna have to text mom and apologize later. She deserves better.

January 6th 2014

Chloe got the job!

I have to admit I'm pretty proud of her. It's her first 'real' job. She seems pretty happy about it too. It's five days a week and it's mostly cleaning, desk and helping people out with their laundry. It doesn't seem like it will be hard on her either. I have confidence she'll be just fine.

We went back to the laundromat in the morning and asked for the boss, who happened to be the only person there anyway. A guy called Dave. He seemed really surprised to see Chloe – I think it's the blue hair. Fork River is not a punk scene. But they went out back and he interviewed her on the spot while I guarded the front and when she came out she gave me the thumbs up and a grin. She'll be starting tomorrow for a couple hours while they show her the ropes.

Who would have thought getting a job at a laundromat would be so exciting? Chloe even said they're paying enough for us to get by with rent – apparently they were pretty desperate since the girl who used to work there got pregnant and had to move.

After our talk last night it was really good to have something to celebrate, no matter how small. I even snapped a photograph of her grinning and pointing to the store-front signage to remember this milestone – she even wrote on the back of the polaroid:

'Chloe Price – EMPLOYED!'

January 7th 2014

I woke up today to a smiling Chloe gifting me with kisses and pancakes in bed.

Dog, I don't think that smile will ever stop melting my heart. It was a while before I actually got to eat them – we couldn't stop laughing and rolling over with morning kisses. I never thought making out would be like this.

Chloe had her first day of work today so I had four hours to myself. She encouraged me to make the most of it and do something productive so I wouldn't get restless and anxious, so I visited Ms. Hawkins for some tea.

I still haven't talked to my mom or dad after our argument over the phone and they haven't texted me since. I think they're giving me some space. I sent mom an apology after talking to Chloe but she still hasn't replied. I decided to try Shelly for some advice and it ended up being a really great idea, she gave me some insight that gave me some peace of mind.

I promise I'll make it up to you Mom and Dad. I don't even know where to begin.

Chloe came home in a good mood. She really likes her job, says Dave the boss is chill. Even said it was boring – not a lot of action in the Fork River Laundromat. We decided to play card games and talk more about her first day of work and her impressions of people around here.

Then something strange happened that evening- I was in the shower when the lights dimmed for a second and then the room flashed bright a few times as if there was lightning outside. I heard Chloe's surprise from the lounge as well. For a minute there I just froze, waiting for the thunder, but it never came.

Chloe knocked on the bathroom door then opened it a little to check on me, and let me know that she looked outside. Everything was fine but it looked like it was going to snow some more. I don't think I'm ever going to get used to normal weather patterns again.

January 9th 2014

Dana Ward and Kate Marsh are alive.

Dana is alive. Kate is alive.

They're alive they're alive they're alive.

I can't stop crying but I've got to write this down.

From the beginning:

It's Thursday and Chloe had a short day at work today. I don't remember having any nightmares last night but Chloe said I talked in my sleep a lot and I seemed really upset. I wonder if the random lightning had anything to do with it – it probably triggered some subconscious anxiety… or something. But Chloe also said she had a nightmare, and could remember parts of it. She said it was like seeing the tornado again but nothing really made sense, but she told me that it made her think that today would be the best day to learn some things about Arcadia Bay.

I was so nervous when she got back home from work. Chloe was kind of quiet and lost in her head for a bit, and I couldn't help pacing until she grabbed my hands and pulled me into a kiss that she knew would calm me down. Calm us both down. When we were ready we sat on the couch and Chloe suggested the first thing we should try and do was to go through text messages we've left unread.

We both agreed that neither of us wanted to check social media – if ever again. It would be like… visiting a mass graveyard of profiles that would never be updated. There's no way I could ever judge Chloe when she said that the last thing she would ever want to read is the hundreds of posts to people's profiles mourning one another. I feel exactly the same. Maybe one day we can look on those websites to look through back through good memories… maybe.

Chloe went first. The only messages she'd ever replied to were her most worried family members reaching out to her – her aunt, uncle, even a cousin or two. She had told people that she was staying with family of friends to reassure them. I was really worried – Chloe had lost all of her parents so she was never, ever going to hear from them asking her to come home like mine do.

She was happy to have heard from at least two friends from Blackwell that I've never met. Chloe looked so relieved by this, and had to take a moment to calm herself. I held her hand the whole time as she couldn't stop shaking. She said they were really lovely friends to her.

I'm glad that at least some people in Chloe's life are still around. She couldn't find anything else after that and she went all somber again.

My hands were shaking when it was my turn to go through my inbox too. I had to steady myself with a few deep breaths. The most recent section of my text inbox was the only part I've seen since October, and those messages are from my mom, dad, aunt, and Kristen and Fernando from my Seattle high school. By the sounds of it mom had reached out to them at some point to see if they could get in touch. It was really sweet of them that they thought of me and they were both really concerned and a little relieved they had heard from my parents that I was at least okay. I'll have to reply to them another time.

I had to take another deep breath before I scrolled down and saw the next most recent name in my inbox… Dana Ward.

I burst into tears instantly.

There were only two text messages from Dana, one on October 24th and one on December 8th. The first one was a message she must have sent to everyone she knew at Blackwell, begging for anyone alive to get in touch with her. The second text was directed at me personally. She didn't know if I was dead or alive because no one had found me yet. But she wanted me to know that she thought I was talented and kind and thanked me for being so caring when she was going through a hard time. She wished we could have been better friends. And she called me a hero again for saving Kate Marsh from jumping off the dormitory roof.

I think the sound that came out of my mouth then scared Chloe so much that she cradled me to her own chest and cried with me.. it took me awhile to find the right words to reassure her that it was okay. Dana was alive. I didn't realize that would also make Chloe happy too. Of course, Dana and Chloe used to have classes together. She told me Rachel lived with Dana in the dorms and took drama together so she ran into her a lot on campus.

When I calmed down I was able to brace myself for the next message… Seeing Kate Marsh's name still makes me feel punched in the stomach.

I can't believe she is still alive. I have been so scared to think about what would have happened to Kate if she was in the hospital when the storm hit. I can't even comprehend how cruel and unfair it would have been if I stopped her from killing herself on that roof only to die in a fucking storm… But her name is right there in my phone. Four text messages. One the day after the storm, then another a few days later, one on the first of November and the last one on the 6th of December.

Oh Kate, I'm so sorry… you've always been such a good friend

Her first message was similar to Dana's text asking about everyone after the storm. She also asked to get in touch and let everyone know that she had left the hospital with her family that Friday morning to go home, and if anyone needed help to let her know and that she was praying for us.

Kate's second text begged for me to still be alive and said she was afraid for me, praying that I was okay after I saved her life. Her third was even more heart-breaking. I could barely read the fourth when she confessed that she prayed for me every night and hoped that wherever I was, that God was looking after me and that I was at peace.

Kate, I don't deserve a friend as good as you… but you do deserve to be alive.

Thinking about any of this makes me feel so numb and, fuck, sometimes I just shut down. Apparently I went quiet for several minutes and didn't do or say anything until Chloe broke the silence, asking me if there was anything I needed or wanted.

It just came to me that I wanted to talk to one of them. I needed to hear someone's voice so I could truly believe it was real… that I didn't let Kate or Dana die. When I told Chloe this she asked if I wanted to call Kate, but I said no. I think… I think that talking to Kate might bring up memories of that day on the rooftop and then I might make things worse by crying or freaking out. I don't want to do that to Kate.

I decided right then that I needed to call Dana.

A/N:

Clueless klutzy Chloe clumsily crowded careful creatives – Dana Ward 2K10

Decided to wait for the release of BTS E2 before publishing new chapters, then ended up being completely blown away by it for a few days! In any case I wrote a few chapters ahead of time, so I'll make up for the delay soon!

Thanks for the feedback, it really helps me to know what you guys want from me and your thoughts – always appreciated and guides me for my next chapters. Special thanks to Jossi55 for all the praise here and on reddit, it hasn't gone unnoticed!