-Artemis Fowl-
-Chapter Two-
-Doggies, Mummy and so called Professionals -
-Chapter Six-
Leather Swivel Chair: I am here and I swivel.
Artemis: I make an interesting start to this chapter by stating for the second time that I do not like whalers. I practically say that it is Root's fault I knew he was there because he was breathing and apparently have only just realized that Holly has feelings and am now having second thoughts. Am considering going to browse on eBay to calm self, but first I must go and terrorise Holly.
Juliet: I make a dramatic entrance by rudely bursting into the room unannounced and flapping madly around like a grounded bird. I am incapable of completing my sentences and decide not to tell Artemis the only reason I didn't walk in here calmly is because I chipped my nail polish on my mad mistresses door handle.
Artemis: Yes Juliet? What is it?
Juliet: It's…it's…
Artemis: Juliet if you think you are pausing dramatically you are sadly mistaken, now for the last time, WHAT!
Juliet: I am very very distraught about my nail but manage to calm down enough and tell Artemis about his father and insane mother and how she wouldn't let me bribe her into letting me in with a cup of tea.
Mad Mother Angeline: I was not fooled by Juliet's pathetic attempt to come and take my new pillow husband in drag away and have barricaded myself in my room.
Artemis: This news sends me into the male genius equivalent of dithering hysterics. When I finally compose myself I look at my watch and become rather panicky again. Am considering taking up smoking to calm nerves. But first I'll go see mother, then Holly, next eBay and then maybe I'll nip down to the corner shop for some cigs.
Synchronized Watch: I am a Synchronized Watch with Greenwich Mean Time by constantly updated radio signals. My only purpose in this book is to confuse the hell out of the readers and tell the time to Artemis. I do not think that even I understand what the hell I am. Although in other words – I am a very accurate watch.
Juliet's Eyes: We are big a blue.
Me: Here we go with the body parts again…just back away slowly…
Artemis: I push myself to the limit and take the steps two at a time. This is my yearly exercise. And I have to stop outside the door to catch my breath. I then proceed to dither about a bit more and then walk in.
Mad mother Angeline: I am talking quite happily to my husbands' replacement – my pillow in drag – when my son/father disrupts our little tea party. I am also wearing my wedding dress and have three inches of make-up on in attempt to fool myself that I am a 16 year old again.
Artemis: What the…?
Mad Mother Angeline: Oh hello Arty! Come meet your new father, Timmy the pillow! Would you like a cup of tea?
Artemis: My mother is clearly off her rocker and I don't stay long after catching sight of the pillow. I don't recall father wearing makeup…
-Moving on-
Holly: I am faking despair so that I can conceal the fact that I am performing a highly complicated magic trick for my own amusement and pull an acorn out of my boot then hide it again until I can smash my way through a solid concrete wall.
Artemis: I enter very quietly and take up my usual 'I am a heartless bastard' act for Holly again. I then proceed to treat her like my pet dog and request that she 'sit please'.
Holly: I am not a dog Fowl.
Artemis: Sigh, Captain Short stop doing that, you'll get cement in your ears.
Holly: How…
Artemis: I know; we're all fluent in your strange language. Oh by the way, I don't give two fucks about anyone but your gold and myself. Sit doggy.
Holly: I sit but only because I am on the verge of fainting. Knees have gone very wobbly and acorn is digging into my ankle again.
Artemis: I tell Holly things she already knows to spook her out; I display my cruel nature by deceiving her into thinking that she betrayed her fellow shrimpy people.
Holly: Hahaa! You're gonna get mauled by a troll! Not very pleasant, they're evil but I recommend setting it on fire.
Artemis: …
Holly: Grins manically.
Artemis: I really need a cigarette.
-Lets go see tomato face-
Root: Piss off, stupid Gremlin.
Foaly: Ooooh look, Root's angry, let's antagonize him more.
Root: I quickly sort Pony Boy out and get down to business.
Foaly: I suspect the Mudboy of being cleverer than me; I point this out to Root who says he does not have time for theories and we have a hurried discussion about Sherlock Holmes and then he buggers off.
Root: We fly all the way over to Fowl manor then I have a tiff with my bestest friend.
Cudgeon: BLAST IT I TELL YOU! BLOW THE GOD DAMN PLACE UP!
Root: What about Holly?
Cudgeon: Who?
Root: The Captain the Mudboy abducted!
Cudgeon: Ooooh, so there's actually a reason behind this? Jeez, Nobody around here tells me anything…
Root: Human idiot.
Cudgeon: …Sooo…Can we blast it anyway?
Root: NO!
Cudgeon: pouts.
Root: Awww, I'm sorry.
-Inside Fowl Manor-
Artemis: Freeze the monitor Butler.
Butler: I decide not to question Artemis' reason for this and freeze the monitor.
Artemis: The LEP's team of super midgets do not faze me and I order Butler to merely hurt them.
Butler: I am given a pair of scary goggles and feel the need to put on a hoodie, this not only hides the disgusting goggles but creates a very threatening 'I'm a jerk who's done nothing/will do nothing with my life! Later I'll come by yours and throw eggs at your window. This will probably be the most intelligent – albeit pointless – thing I have/will ever do.' look.
Artemis: Butler finally leaves and I am able to discover that 'Duckie sex machine12', 'killed by my cabbage' and 'toxic hairbrush' are fighting it out on eBay to win my latest but ingenious scam. Latest scam merely involves displaying a picture of an X-box and then sending a box with an X on it to the winning bidder.
Latest Scam: Actually happened to someone and apparently needed to be worked into this fiction.
-Outside Fowl Manor we visit the so called "professionals"-
Grub: Mummy-
Trouble: SHUT. UP.
Grub: But Mummy-
Trouble: Will soon wish you were never born because you will cost her a fortune in medical bills if you don't shut your cake hole right now.
Grub: Mmm, cake….
Trouble: You're supposed to be a PROFESSIONAL!
Grub: But Trubsie…
Trouble: Call me that one more time and I'll make you wish you were never born! And you might as well do my ironing while you're at it. OK, rest of team check in!
One: These roses smell nice, could we take some home? Pretty please?
Two: Hahaa, Fowl dude has peacocks running 'round! Come here ya little devil…
Three: This bench is comfy, I'm just gonna have a little nap.
Five: I am enthusiastic and apparently cannot count as I seem to think five comes after three.
Static Silence: I am silently static.
Trouble: Ok big human at twelve o'clock, Grubsie, I mean Corporal, go check four's vitals rest of you make a hole … Metaphorical hole! Two, get out of the flowerbed!
Bushes: That's it Grubsie, just shove random nameless people into us, we don't mind at all. Even Bushes have feelings you know!
Trouble: Good boy Grubby, good- Oh bollocking hell.
Butler: I move into a tactical position and am very sexist and say 'evening gentlemen' which is unfair, as Holly has not informed me that she is the only female on the force. Even though she isn't because there's corporal Lili Frond. But I don't know any of this.
Trouble: I loose my cool for the first time and start screaming, reducing my fans to slamming their head against the book because of my shameful stupidity.
Chapter: We go back a bit now and find out what happened to four.
Juliet: MY RHODODENDRONS! Why? Oh why? What did they ever do to you Butler! WHAT?
Butler: I shoot most of the little fairies then pick up the pathetic dweeb who was faking unconsciousness.
Grub: I manage to have a conversation without mentioning my Mummy.
Butler: I threaten the little shrimp and then send him back to his people.
-Holly-
Holly: I throw my bed into the wall repeatedly for no apparent reason.
Bed and concrete wall: It's amazing how no one has ever even thought about considering our feelings.
Juliet: Crazy fairy-girl! STOPIT!
Holly: I WANT A DOLPHIN!
Juliet: I am apparently un-accustomed to sarcasm - which is rather odd considering I live with Artemis – and take the shrimp-girl seriously.
Holly: I give up. I can't even be sarcastically funny anymore. Go fetch fruit and veg, but no Sprouts.
Juliet: I proudly announce that I grow all our fruit and vegetables and leave.
Holly: I go back to bed banging.
-Back to little Arty-
Artemis: I am – worryingly – spying on my mother.
Butler: I enter complaining about little shrimp-people and their electric sticks.
Artemis: I ironically state that a dwarf could not get in here.
This section of chapter: Implies that Artemis is a bit of a pervert and that Butler is developing an irrational fear of sticks.
-Lets go see Root and Foaly-
Root: Wow would you look at that, I'm shouting! Who would have thought?
Foaly: I make a stupidly false rhetorical statement and get shouted at a bit more by Root.
Root: Stupid pony boy, push the button!
One and a half pages: We explain all about something no one cares about.
Root: …
Foaly: What?
Root: PUSH. THE. BUTTON.
Foaly: Pushes it.
Cudgeon: Eight hours.
Root: I know.
Cudgeon: You do? Damn! Everyone gets informed of stuff before me…
Root: That's because some of us have brains; piss off.
Cudgeon: OK, I'm gonna go play with Foaly's bio-bomb.
Root: Foaly get out of the computer.
Foaly: Hang on, almost got it…
Root: what?
Foaly: Nothing, nothing, just this carrot. Here, have a finger, if you feel threatened then this is the only backup you have. Don't pick your nose by the way.
Root: I don't pick my nose!
Foaly: Oh, and here, take a plastic arse too. You know, show Fowl how serious we are about the situation.
Root: Get back in your box Foaly.
-Artemis…-
Greenwich: Why do I keep getting mentioned? This is a children's book, it is commonly known that children are stupid if they haven't eaten their wheatabix!
Time: I have stopped.
Artemis: I switch the TV on only to discover it's frozen! They stopped time, no Spongebob-Square-Pants! Life just isn't worth living anymo- I mean excellent. Just as planned. I check on mother and then Holly.
Me: 'She was banging the bed again' Great choice of words Colfer.
Holly: God damn the perverted minds of people today.
Artemis: I notice Root at the door and go to open it. After giving myself a quick mental lecture on being evil I invite him in.
Root: I struggle to contain my anger throughout the duration of the discussion and then take the video feed back for experts to review.
Argon: I – to Foaly's amusement - argue with my partner for several minutes until we both manage to agree that Fowl was telling the truth and we were arguing over nothing.
Root: I shout just a little more, kick the experts out and decide that as a law enforcer it's time to start doing illegal things.
Author's Note: OK The chapters get longer here so it's going to start being one of my chapters to every book chapters… And as requested (the FIRST time this fic was up) the characters communicate with each other a lot more, in fact almost all of the time.
EDIT: Changed a few things here, Artemis was quite OOC in some places.