"Drink?" He offered to Harry who had settled next to him.
"Please," he said as Draco conjured him a glass and handed it to him. Neither was quite sure he could make it through the night sober.
"Wonderful party, Ava and Draco," Fred said. Draco placed his arm around Ava protectively and she smiled pleasantly and placed her hand on his leg.
"Thank you," Ava replied. "Drinks anyone?" Everyone looked at another and nodded gratefully. She and Draco conjured glasses out of the air for everyone and allowed them each to fill their own cups with whatever they pleased.
"So, I was thinking about starting up SPEW again," Hermione said, breaking the awkward silence. "You'd all be willing to join, wouldn't you?"
"Hermione!" Practically everyone scolded at once.
"Okay, then, I take that as a no?"
"Yes, it's a no," Draco slurred, taking another swig from his bottle. "Hey everyone, I've got an announcement!"
"Draco," Ava hushed, in fear of what he was about to announce to the room.
"My 'son'," he said putting air quotes around the word, "Ryan, has begun taking notice of some things that I'm sure have not been quite so obvious to everyone here.
"My wife here has seven children, and only two of them are mine!" He laughed. Everyone looked around at one another horrified. Some looked more afraid of what he would reveal than others.
"Draco!" Ava said bewildered that he would air their dirty laundry to everyone.
"No, no, I have to finish this," he said putting up a hand. "You know, I've been trying to deny it for years, but I know only Andrew and Lilie are mine."
Aubrey had to bite her lip from laughing. "It's about time he noticed," she whispered in Ava's ear.
"And I bet you're all wondering who has fathered my other children, right? Well, I'm about to tell you all."
"Draco, please!" Ava pleaded. Several people began downing their drinks before refilling them and repeating the process.
"No. Well Trae and Talon, they belong to a Weasley. I'm not sure which one of you bastards it is, but it's one of you." Bill, Fred, George, and Ron all received looks from Fleur, Angelina, Katie, and Hermione. "And James, well, he, as I'm sure most of you might have guessed, belongs to my BESTEST friend in the whole entire world, my good buddy, Harry Potter," Draco said putting his arm around Harry. "Yes, that's right everyone. My wife. The wife of a Malfoy was sleeping with a Potter."
"You filthy slut," Lucius sneered at his daughter in law. Ava followed the suit of her friends and downed her own fire whiskey.
"Do you know how many other women your son is sleeping with? How many other women he has children with?" Ava glared at her father-in-law. "At last count, I believe it's at least three children who are not mine. Let's think about who's the filthy slut."
"Oh, Daddy dearest, that's not even the best of it. My 'son', Ryan, belongs to either Oliver or Cedric. I really don't know which one of you it is. But if you ask Ava, she might know."
"I don't know what you're talking about Malfoy!" Oliver shouted. "I've never slept with your wife!"
"Oh please," Harry drunkenly interrupted, "even I know you two were fucking. It's been going on since the quidditch days. I saw you two in the changing room once!"
"Yeah," George interrupted. "I saw you two once too."
"You should talk George, I saw you and Ava in the changing room too!" Harry said.
"Is there anyone you didn't watch fuck in the changing room?" Aubrey questioned.
"Not really."
"Is there any guy in the quidditch team you didn't sleep with?" Draco questioned Ava.
"No," Harry answered for her.
"So back to what I was saying. My dearest little baby Ella. Our youngest. She's not mine either. Ava says she is, but I don't believe it. I think she belongs to Cedric."
"She's mine," Cedric offered up. "And I'm damn proud of it too! That is one beautiful baby girl. And Riley is mine too! And so is Shayla!" Neville bit his lip and glared at Americus, shaking his head.
Harry looked horrified. "What are you talking about Diggory? Riley is mine!" Aubrey took a shot.
"Are you that naive Potter?"
"Oh, he really is," Draco laughed. "You're so stupid Potter. I love you!" He patted Harry on the head.
"But Riley is mine! He's gotta be! He just looks like Aubrey!"
"I'm sorry dear," Aubrey said to Harry, "but Riley isn't yours. He is indeed Cedric's."
"Well Amie and Andrew and Ryan and Patrick are mine, right?" Aubrey downed another glass.
"Andrew, yours, Potter?" Draco laughed cruelly. "He's as much yours as Trae and Talon are mine! I bet they've got the same father! Probably the same as at least three or four of Americus' children!"
"Could someone please tell me which Weasley these children belong to?" Angelina asked angrily. "I'd really like to know if my husband's having an affair or not."
"That's a fair question, girls," Draco said looking from Ava to Aubrey to Americus.
"Charlie," Aubrey answered. "Andrew is Charlie's son."
"What?" Charlie looked bewildered.
"What do you mean three or four of Americus' children?" Neville asked bewildered.
"Oh, Neville, you can't possibly believe all those children are yours? You're not that good," Draco interjected.
"Oh come on. You had to know!" Aubrey directed toward Charlie.
"I thought he was one of the twins!"
"Ava?" Draco asked. "Do tell me who our twin sons belong to."
"Fred," she answered, not meeting the glare from Angelina before she turned her attention to Fred and slapped him.
"I don't know what she's talking about!" Fred defended. "I've never slept with her!"
"Oh yes, yes you did. Saw you two in the changing room as well!"
"Who weren't you sleeping with, girl?" Lucius sneered.
"You," she replied smartly with a wink before downing another glass of firewhiskey.
"And you Americus?" Draco asked.
"Louisa is Ron's, and Brent is Fred's, Gerald is George's, and Alex is Percy's."
"I'm leaving!" Angelina said as she stood up and stormed out of the room. Fred got up and followed her. They could hear them collecting their twin nine year old boys Austin and Kory, and then the crack letting them know they'd apparated out.
"Ronald!" Hermione cried out, turning to him, jaw set, looking as though it took all the strength she could muster not to hit him.
"Percy's!" Crabbe asked, both he and Goyle looking at Percy angrily.
"Do explain that one Percy. Aren't you gay?" Draco asked.
"See what you've done now, Malfoy?" George said angrily.
"Oh please. I know you're sleeping with my wife too!" Katie looked as though she might cry and ran out of the room as well.
"Thanks a lot, Malfoy." George hurried after her.
"He's probably sleeping with Aubrey too!" Draco called after them.
"It was a one time thing," Percy answered. " I just wanted to know what it felt like," he defended. "It wasn't all that good really."
"Excuse me?" Americus asked, offended.
"Sorry, but I prefer men."
"Fair enough."
"So, Americus, how do your twin sons have two different fathers?" Draco asked.
"Skill, my dear, pure skill," Americus laughed. Neville sat in silence, trying his best to not let his tears spill over.
"Well, who else can we out tonight? Hmm.. who else are you sleeping with dear? I know there's more."
"She's sleeping with me!" Harry offered.
"Stupid git, we got there a long time ago," Ron said.
"Well Weasley, are you sleeping with my wife too?" Malfoy asked. Ron turned bright red and looked at the floor.
"Ronald!" Hermione scolded again.
"Oh please mudblood. You're a smart girl. Can't you see what's right in front of you?"
"Don't call her mudblood!" Ron shouted.
"I'll call her what I please, mudblood lover," Draco sneered.
"So I think we've covered all of Ava's affairs. Did I miss anyone, Love?"
"I'm not about to announce the entirety of my affair list in front of everyone I know!"
"What about you, Aubrey? Besides me and Charlie and Cedric, who've you got? Ron? George? Fred? Oliver? Seamus?"
"That's right, I'm sleeping with her!" Seamus drunkenly admitted.
"Well there's one. You're not saying no, so I'm guessing yes."
"Really, all those?" Harry asked, looking hurt.
"Oh you're not so faithful either Harry!" Aubrey countered. "You just don't realize how bad you are at covering it up. You've got children with me, Ava, Americus, and Ginny!"
"Ah, Americus," Draco interrupted. "Who else are you sleeping with? We've ousted you with Fred, George, Ron, Percy, Cedric, and Harry already."
"No one really."
"Ah so, there is more."
"I don't have any children with Ginny!" Harry shouted.
"Oh please, ever notice that Justin isn't black?" Draco asked. Dean looked hurt. "Come on Thomas, you couldn't have possibly believed that Justin and Nick were yours! Your wife's a little slut over there. Always has been. She's a pretty good fuck too. Wild, that's how I like it. I bet it comes from days of being a muggle porn star. Anyway, Americus, you were about to say?"
"Sirius and Snape."
"Those old gits?" Draco asked.
"Oh Americus, even I wouldn't touch that," Ava said.
"Me either," Aubrey agreed.
"You should've given them a shot. Colette's Sirius' daughter and Dylan is Snape's daughter."
"Are any of our children mine?" Neville asked.
"Of course dear, Cleo, Gary, and Jordan are yours."
"Three out of twelve, that's it?"
"Sorry. You're really just not that good."
"I knew it!" Draco said. "I on the other hand, am the master."
"Someone's a little arrogant," Americus commented.
"Just the way everyone in this room likes it."
"Well, I think dinner's ready!" Ava interrupted, hoping her husband would just shut up already. "Shall we all eat?"