Jenny couldn't stop looking, her gaze going back to the uneven cut over and over again, the dark look in Lily's brown eyes stopped Jenny from asking though. Instead, she followed the feisty brunette's quick steps.
"You know, I don't understand why we couldn't just swim at the pools my mom dropped us off at?"
"Because this will be better, its not far" Lily answered, "your mom doesn't have to follow you every single moment of every single day, it's like she doesn't trust you"
"Usually, she has no reason not to" Jenny mumbled under her breath.
"Well, I think you need some fun. You got stuck in a school with a bunch of snobby girls who treated you like shit for a year, and you've never even had a sleepover, it's insane. Brooke and Lucas even give me more freedom than that, and that is saying something"
"I just don't think it's a good idea that no one knows where we really are" Jenny hastened her steps to keep up, her tone growing more frantic, "what if something happens?"
"Oh my god, the public pools are fifteen minutes away and besides I told Dad exactly where I would be, he knows when I ask to go swimming I mean Uncle Nate's place, that's why I have the key"
"Alone?"
"But I'm not alone, I have you, okay maybe he also thinks your mom is with us but I didn't lie"
"Okay but next time can we just be where Mom thinks we are" Jenny sighed, secretly thrilled at the day's events.
"Sure, let's just hope there is a next time" Lily looked over her shoulder and grinned, "here we are, el casa Scott"
Jenny looked at the large house, "is this a mansion?"
"I guess. Nate's rich, he's in the NBA, they're usually only here during his off season, but they let us use the pool all year, come on, I'll show you" Lily ran forward, her beach bag hitting her side.
The pool was indoors, and supplied already with all the inflatables and toys that Jenny could have dreamt of, "okay, this maybe was a good idea"
"You should trust me!" Lily grinned again, "come on, last one in is a rotten egg!" and she rushed to strip her outer clothes revealing her bathing suit, moments later jumping into the waiting water.
-x-
They lay floating in the rings, feet dangling over the sides, eyes staring up at the ceiling. Finally, Jenny found the courage to ask, "why did you cut your hair?"
Lily played with the water at her fingertips, brown eyes still on the pearly ceiling, and then she spoke quietly and softly, "she used to live with us, Brooke, I mean. When I was younger. After my mother died. Do you remember your dad?"
"No. Well. Sometimes I think I do but I don't know, sometimes I think I want to remember him so badly that I made things up, sometimes I think I remember Nicki too"
"I remember my mother a little but I know I'm forgetting her, Brooke used to tell me stories, show me pictures, every night when she lived with us. And I missed my mom, I still do, but it didn't seem so bad because I had Brooke and Lucas, and we were our own little family. Remember I said she half raised me?"
"Yeah"
"Well, half the time she's been there, and the other half" Lily lifted her right hand up above her and mimicked a fluttering movement, "she's just gone. I woke up one day and she was just gone."
Lily dropped her hand, hearing the splash, she turned her cheek to rest against the plastic, "I don't know where she went but one day Brooke was just back in town but she didn't come home. It was like losing my mom a second time but she's there but she's not there. Brooke was the one who taught me to braid my hair"
"So, you cut them off?"
"It made sense at the time. I was angry at her" Lily shrugged, "Your mom loves you right, even though you're not her real daughter?"
"Of course, but I mean its not like she isn't my mom, she's the only real mom I've ever had"
"Because she wants to be your mom?"
"I guess" Jenny kinked her brow, "most of the time anyway"
Lily splashed her, "I like you most of the time"
"Oh, thanks"
"Its nice to meet someone who understands what it's like, sorta anyway, being an orphan and all"
"Can I tell you a secret?" Jenny didn't wait for an answer, "I think about my other parents sometimes, I wonder if I'm like them, whose nose I have, if they hated the same food as me, stupid stuff, you know. I think I would like to meet Nicki, one day, but I'm afraid it would hurt Mom"
"I don't think she'd mind. She loves you. Peyton wants to be your mom, you're really lucky" Lily smiled.
"I bet Brooke loves you, too. I bet she loved you when she told you all those stories and when she braided your hair, and I bet she still loves you"
"I don't think so" Lily looked back up at the ceiling "I know she doesn't. Last year she was going to move back in, I even helped Lucas pick out a ring because he planned to propose, and I thought this is it, a real family, I could be like all the other kids with a mom and a dad. So, I asked them to adopt me, if I could call them mom and dad" a single tear ran down Lily's cheek, "Lucas said yes" Lily left the rest unsaid.
They floated a little longer before Lily added, "just the idea of me calling her mom had Brooke running away again. She didn't move in, Lucas never proposed, and it's all because of me"
"Sounds like it was a her problem, not a you problem"
"Dad said I should ask her but I'm kinda afraid of what she would say" then before anything more could be said Lily rolled over, splashing back into the pool.
Jenny floated a little longer, eyes still on the ceiling, her own unanswered questions circling in her mind.
-x-
"Do you think the dead are watching us?" Lily asked as they walked barefoot in the grass along the river, "that our dead parents pop in to check on us every now and then?"
"Yeah, I guess so"
"Do you think then that they've accidentally seen us naked a bunch of times? And if that bothers them or because they're dead they don't care about that sort of stuff?"
"I-" Jenny stopped walking, "I've never thought about that" and she started to laugh, "why would you think about that?"
"Well, it would happen, wouldn't it, how could it not happen? Think of all the dead people up in heaven wanting to check their family and friends are okay and bam, they see their butts, or them on the toilet or having you know what"
"Lily!" Jenny shook her head, "I am never going to be able to go to the toilet ever again without thinking my dad is watching me"
"And listening" Lily grinned.
They started walking again, their steps matching.
Lily looked up at the sky, "or maybe they can't see us, and time up there is meaningless and when we all die its like we were never even apart"
"Okay" Jenny nodded, "did you ever think what happens when you die after everyone else and suddenly you have two or three dead husbands waiting to spend eternity with you"
"Maybe its like a dream, and we're all dreaming together but by ourselves all at the same time, and our own heaven is whatever we want with whoever we want so each dead husband gets a part of us and we get a heaven for each of them"
"Or maybe there's just nothing" Jenny hypothesised.
Lily kicked a rock, "or maybe that".
-x-
They ended up at the park, dangling on the monkey bars again, Lily swung herself up to sit on the edge, "where do you think you'll go next, after you leave Tree Hill?"
"I don't know, somewhere else"
"I've never been anywhere else." Lily slowly stood up, balancing with bent knees, "Do you ever miss anything?"
"There's always something to miss" Jenny carefully laid down against the bars resting her head again her hands.
From one bar to another Lily stepped, "what will you miss about Tree Hill?" she asked.
"You" Jenny answered straight away, "I haven't had a friend in a long time"
"I'll miss you too" Lily looked up from her feet, "hey, maybe you don't have to leave, I could probably get my dad to lose the parts for your car" she joked. Lily lifted her arms up, taking another step, "then you could st-" Lily was still smiling when her foot went out from under her, her arms wavering in the air a moment before her smile fell as realisation dawned.
In the back of her mind Lily could hear her dad's voice speaking of consequences. And then there was pain.
-x-
The beating of her heart was painful against her chest, Brooke ran through the hospital with aching lungs, unable to stop until finally she spotted a number she recognised and then two blonde heads.
"Where is she? Is she okay?" Brooke came to a stop, briefly meeting Jenny's eyes before directing her questions to Peyton, "she's okay right?"
"She's fine, Lucas is in there with her" Peyton spoke calmly and then found herself engulfed in a hug as Brooke embraced her.
"Thank you, Peyton, for being there, for getting Lily here. Its so good to see you"
"Its good to see you, too" Peyton pulled away, "but I better get Jenny back home"
At the word home Jenny eyed her mother, the motel they were staying at was even less a home than any of the houses they had rented over the years and what Jenny wanted to do was stay with her friend. But Peyton placed a hand onto Jenny's back to lead her away, "we'll catch up at a better time, come along Jenny".
Brooke followed them with her eyes as they walked away, smiling gently when Jenny looked back at her with her worried blue gaze. Then Brooke took a breath and walked into the hospital room, and her heart went back to normal.
Reluctant to leave Jenny walked slowly, dragging her feet, "Mom?"
"Yes, Jen?"
"I wanted to say goodbye to Lily"
"You can text her later, she's got other things on her mind right now, she won't hold it against you not saying goodbye"
"She doesn't have her phone anymore, remember" a solemn Jenny followed Peyton to the rental car and climbed in after her.
"It might be for the best" Peyton told Jenny, her eyes focusing on driving, "I don't think it's a good idea you see Lily anymore"
"What? Why?"
Peyton sighed, "the two of you have nothing in common and I don't think she is a good influence on you"
"But she's my friend!"
"For gods sake, Jenny, you don't even know her!" Peyton shouted, so distracted she had to slam on the brakes when the car in front of her came to a stop before exiting the carpark.
Jenny dropped her bottom lip, "you're wrong, Mom, we have everything in common and Lily knows me better than anybody"
"Its not a discussion. We will be leaving soon anyway and you will make new friends, ones who don't get you to lie to me"
The rest of the drive was silent as Jenny stewed over her mother's words, stomping into the motel room ahead of her. As the door shut Jenny span around, "why can't we stay here?"
"Here?"
"Yes, in Tree Hill. We have more reasons to stay here than to go anywhere else, we actually know people here, real people"
"I told you from the beginning Tree Hill was off limits. Look, Jen, if there's one thing I know it's that you won't find your father here, trust me, I tried, it's a hundred times worse looking for Jake and finding him gone every single day"
It was then that Jenny noticed the pain in her mother's eyes, and dreaded that one day she may love someone so much it hurt.
-x-
Brook stood in the doorway of Lily's room, a tray of food in her hand, "I brought you some dinner"
From her bed Lily rolled her eyes, "I think you got your nights confused"
"About last night-"
"You mean when you bailed on us again?"
Placing the tray down on the dresser Brook moved further into the room, brushing her brown hair behind her ears, "I really did need to work. Look, I am trying-"
"Trying what exactly?" Lily bugged her eyes out, adding as much teenage angst as she could as a pint sized eleven-year-old, "because whatever it is you suck at it. You're never here, and when you do show up, you're late or you leave or you're just weird. Dad might not realise it yet but it is just like when you left before so you might as well just stop pretending and just go already"
"I'm not going to leave again"
"Newsflash, Brooke, you already did. You know, he got you a ring last year" Lily threw the words out before she could take them back, "he actually thinks you love him"
Brooke stumbled back, "I do love him"
Lily closed her mouth and nodded; she turned her back slightly on Brooke "right it's the ready-made kid that you don't want"
"That is not true"
"Bullshit" Lily spat out, her back now firmly turned towards Brooke.
It hurt Brooke to watch the emotions play over Lily, and to know it was her own fault. Her voice cracked, "It's not that I don't love you, Lily. I love you so much it hurts, I love you so much that just the thought of losing you paralyses me, it scares me. The last thing I want to do is hurt you but I know I have been and I am trying to change, I am."
-x-
The silence was awkward, Jenny sat on the single bed, her feet tucked under her bottom, a book open in her hands though both of them knew that she hadn't read a single sentence on the page.
Peyton slowly packed away her pencils and moved to sit next to Jenny, her weight shifting Jenny closer to her, "hey kiddo, I'm sorry. Being here is not easy for me. Look, I was wrong to say you can't see Lily again, I don't want the next two weeks to be miserable for you but my number one priority has to be you and… I would do anything for you, so from now on when you girls are together Lucas or I have to be there too"
"Okay" Jenny smiled, "thanks, Mom"
"Its good to see you smile, you have your dads smile" Peyton loved to tell Jenny that, and it made Jenny smile even more.
Peyton was about to move back to her own bed when Jenny stopped her, "Mom, was that lady Brooke your best friend?"
"Brooke? Yes, when I was in school. She's got a big heart, Lily is really lucky to have her"
"Lily said Brooke doesn't like kids and she doesn't want to be with Lucas fulltime because of her"
Peyton laughed at that, she started to brush Jenny's hair gently, "is that what she thinks? I might not know Brooke anymore but today at the hospital I know what I saw, and I saw a mother who loves her daughter and would do anything for her. That's something I know pretty well, so you can trust me on that" she leant closer and touched her nose, "you don't have to worry about them, they have each other, just like we do"
"Really, you think?"
"Yes" Peyton sighed as she sat back up straighter, her hand still gently over Jenny's honey blonde hair, "I can't say I know exactly how Brooke feels and what they've gone through but I do know how much losing someone you love hurts, losing a child is the worst thing a parent can go through and it cannot be easy for Brooke to put her heart on the line again especially considering Lily is the same age her little girl would have been"
"Wait, Brooke has a daughter?"
"Yeah, she did. Her and Lucas had a baby girl when they were in high school, she was only two when she died"
"That's so sad" Jenny looked down unsure what else to say, "Lily never told me that"
"Its not something girls your age need to talk about, a mothers grief is hard to comprehend" Peyton smiled sadly, her eyes glistening, "now let's talk about something more upbeat, please" and she ruffled her daughters hair, content they were safe.
-x-