The Diego Diaries: Golfin' and Goofin' (dd8 1987)
=0=Morning at date with destiny, in the special area set aside for commentators and broadcasters for the game
"So tell us, gentlemen, what is Pretender gear and how does it work especially with the game this morning?" asked a golfing sportscaster who commentated on the games at St. Andrew's Golf Course in Scotland, the putative site where the game was born.
Perceptor and Wheeljack sat in the IntraCom sports set with Silvio who was the sports director for the broadcast system.
"Pretender gear is highly sophisticated and proprietary technology, thereby, its not open for us to tell you beyond generalities," Percy began. His rich accented English was a sight to behold as was his intensely dignified confident self when it came to figuring slag out and explaining it to the plebes. He had been an enormously popular and respected instructor and much sought after mentor by students everywhere he worked from the olden days until now.
"What you will see is us at a size coordinate to your own and possessing all of the lesser strengths that you possess. It wouldn't be a game otherwise because you are not equal in ordinary circumstances to us in any of the measurable physical possibilities."
"What he's saying is simple. Without taking us down to your size we'd wipe up the floor with you," Wheeljack said with a smile.
"That is what I do believe I just said, Wheeljack," Percy said with a ghost of a smile.
=0=The Family Tower watching the pregame show
"Go ahead and mock us, 'Jack," Bobby Epps said with a smirk. "It seems less awful coming from Percy than him."
"Perceptor grew up with a silver spoon in his pie hole and 'Jack is us, street," Will Lennox said.
"I do believe Mom has a silver teaspoon with your name on it, William, somewhere or other," Jonathan Lennox said as he checked his clubs.
Most of the older men had brought their clubs from Earth and had a raucous golfing 'club' between them and their rowdy sons/in-law. Some of them were ready to give the bots a run for their money.
HUGE laughter greeted that as Thelma Lennox smirked at her son. "I have it in the apartment. Care to see it?"
"Uh, no thanks, Mom, you traitor," Will said as he hugged her.
"Well, is everyone ready to go?" Sarah Lennox said. She would be Will's caddy and Thelma her husband's. It would be a family affair across the board.
"The players from Unidad and the other habitats just messaged they're leaving for the Resort. We better book it," Niall Graham said as he lugged his clubs onto his shoulder.
They gathered, men, women, elders, players and children to go down and take the Metro to the Resort, an amenity allowed only for locals or emergencies. The station at the Resort was small and handy as slag when you'd played a few holes and knocked back a few drinks. Ask the boys in 'the club'.
Everyone left to go.
=0=Everywhere else
"You ready for this?" Blackjack asked as he stood in the doorway with his clubs.
"FRAG NO!"
"I told you to adjust for your tendency to pull to the left with your swing, infant," Blackjack said as the other elders nodded. "If you'd pull your helm out of your debris chute and listen-"
"ARE YOU READY TO GO BECAUSE I'M READY!" said a bulldog face with a dark cloud over his helm.
"I was slagging born ready," Sun said as he watched Ratchet pack up the 'take alongs' to go. "HEAD 'EM UP! MOVE 'EM OUT, COWBOYS!"
With that, a number of mechs walked out to go to The Fortress on foot, then in the station there they would activate their Pretender gear. The tiny clubs that they held in their servos at the moment they did would become the correct size when they did. A short run to The Resort in the human safety portion of the Metro would be an amusing and profane journey.
=0=At The Resort
The crowds were expectant and so were the groups of sportscasters who would give commentary with Blaster and Jazz on scene. Food and drink were in great supply as the waiters and waitresses moved among the crowds supplying both. It was festive as hell and everyone was expectant to see the most famous aliens in the solar system come to their course the same size as they were. Children waited with their parents and other family members as the moments ticked down.
Judy Witwicky was 'selected' to make the opening remarks, then the game would begin with the teeing off of teams that were already chosen to play together. She would also open the sealed envelope at the end of her remarks giving the last few 'rules for Cybertronian golf' before it would begin. Her hand burned to open it.
"THEY'RE HERE!" someone shouted from far away.
Everyone turned toward the massive outside doors that opened onto the giant patio and the pool area with expectation. Chatter grew as from the door the human contingent appeared with their clubs and family caddies. A groan of disappointment went up.
Will Lennox slowed, then grinned at Judy. "Well, that was anti-climatic."
"And deserved. Something tells me that you're going to get hosed," Judy said as her team laughed loudly.
"And I get to caddy the massacre," Sarah Lennox said with a big smile.
"We'll all get drunk later," Thelma said to great acclaim and side eye from her son.
A cry went up, then Judy grinned. "Ah, the important players are here."
Huge guff was drowned out by applause, shouting and joyful noises. A parade of bots began to appear that were comically small and smirking. They paraded in to gather around the women and the human players in the light of the massive open space of patio that led to the trails for the woods, now several lakes and ponds, the course and other amenities.
"WE'RE HERE! WHERE'S MY TROPHY!" Raptor shouted with delight as he shook hands of the humans who were now his size. "Hi, shortie. Came to watch me win?"
"And frag you, Raptor," Corey McFarlane said with a chuckle.
It took a moment for everyone to shake hands before they noted that Prime and Prowl weren't here yet.
"Where's Optimus and the Missus?" Ron Witwicky asked.
"I HEARD THAT!"
Everyone glanced at the door to see Prowl followed by Prime enter. Prowl grinned at the mob. "Some of us are worthy of selfies and then there's you."
Enormous guff and commentary about wide angle lenses from a medical vehicle commenced, then it got quiet again. Everyone turned toward Judy who stared at them, then everyone around them. "Okay," she said to loud laughter. "Welcome to the first and hopefully annual Father-Son Father's Day Golf Tournament held here at The Resort At Autobot City."
HUGE applause.
"I'm Judy Witwicky who along with my partners, Sarah Lennox, Judy Fulton and Barbara Morshower run and manage this place. Once upon a time I was living a normal life and then a psychotic robot car showed up at the door."
HUGE laughter and applause.
"Well, the story is well known as told by that scribe of The People, Michael Bay'-"
TUMULT.
"Between getting kidnapped in Paris on a romantic vacation, it and of itself a fairy tale-"
BEDLAM.
"We've come to this. And what is this? The first real business of humans on another world living in peace and mostly harmony among the weirdest alien species ever conjured up."
HUGE laughter and nodding of helms/heads.
"Yeah. You humans are fugly," Sunstreaker said with a grin.
HUGE laughter and a few helm slaps by braver souls such as his caddy, Bluestreak took a moment of their time.
"So here we are years later playing golf to support charities on Earth. Thank you, everyone, for the fun and the crazy. Not since I slapped the Predacon, Rampage with my purse have I ever felt the love like I do today. LET'S PLAY BALL!"
BEDLAM! TUMULT! HUGE JOYOUS NOISES!
"Oh and before we start I have to read some more rules to the punters here direct from the printing press of Optimus Prime," Judy said with a smirk at Prime.
He smirked back.
She opened the letter, read it, then guffawed loudly. She began to read to everyone. "It is also a rule in Cybertronian golf as I just made it up that if you hit anyone with a ball you have to hold Ironhide's servo until your turn to play the hole. It does not matter if you are at another hole. You have to play from where he is and since he's the Lord of the Sand Pit, expect to lose a few holes and yet keep the strokes for them anyway."
HUGE LAUGHTER! HUGE GLOWERING from a HUGE MECH!
"I like that rule. Don't you, little mech?" Hardie asked his great grandson.
A HUGE smoldering glance told them what Ironhide thought of that notion.
"Wait," Glenn Morshower said as he stood beside his partner, his son, James. James worked at the Resort in the data end of it. "If I hit someone, then I have to find Ironhide and hold his hand until I get a shot again. But that means if he's dug in at the first hole and I'm on the tenth, I have to forfeit the nine holes I already played to come back to where he is and start from there. AND I have to keep the strokes of the other nine forfeited holes which will blow my score out of the water."
"Bingo," Prowl said smugly. "Exciting isn't it?"
HUGE laughter and amusement with some smattering of dissent arose, then died.
"Anything more?" Ron asked his wife.
"The losers, either the entire contingent of bots or humans have to sing a song to the winners. Preferably something that can be broadcast over the airwaves without censorship," Judy concluded. "May I say, I LOVE these rules."
"You would, lunatic," Ron said. "I suppose this rolling disaster is go?"
Pulsar who would manage the game grinned. "I do declare this tournament open."
As he said that a contingent of human and Cybertronian kids came in carrying the flags of the country of every player while Silverbow and Sunny carried the flags of Earth and Mars. Bos and Reflector carried those of Mars-Earth and that of Cybertron while Co-D carried that of the Primes.
Judy showed them where to plant the flags into a row of stands. Everyone stared at them a moment.
"Those flag stands don't even come up to my waist even this size," Sideswipe said with a smirk at Judy.
"Kids were carrying them, so …" Judy said with a smirk back. "PLAY BALL, YOU SOON-TO-BE SINGERS!" She grinned at the humans who smirked back at her.
"First round players, please report to the tees," Pulsar said.
"That's us, Dad. Please be good at this," Will Lennox said as he and Sarah along with his father and mother walked toward the tee nearby.
"I'm good at this, son. I play everyday with my men's group. You know, the one you don't seem to find time for," Jonathan said with a grin. "I'm praying that you're the one whose going to be good at this."
"Listen to your father, William," Thelma said with a chuckle.
Sarah Lennox laughed loudly as they walked down the path to the tee.
"You and me, infant," Blackjack said. "TEND TO THAT CURVE YOU HAVE IN YOUR SWING! I HAVE SPOKEN!" Blackjack walked toward the tee as Ironhide frowned at him.
"Slagger," he muttered as the crowd howled with laughter.
=0=Blaster, Jazz and the sportscasters in a nice area nearby with monitors of every possible shot and a nice drink.
"I have to say," Johann Wilton said as he sipped his juice. "I've never heard of such rules. Your Prime made them up for this event, correct?"
"You don't believe we play golf?" Jazz asked with a grin on his handsome face.
"No." -all of the humans there
=0=At the tee
Prime set his ball on the tee, something he'd practiced a lot when no one was looking. He had his driver and was doing the math. If things were equal and there were no goof ups falling from the sky, their technological edge should put them over the top. He hadn't practiced hammering the ball this size but he was going over the math and telemetry even as he teed up.
"Relax, son," Tagg who was his partner gently suggested. "You are a very great sportsman. If you do your best I am sure you will be able to win at least The Prowl trophy."
Prime halted his swing long enough to allow his belly laugh to have full rein.
Standing nearby with a thunderstruck expression, Prowl was glancing from Tagg, to Prime, to his father, Venture, to Prime, to a smiling and waving Ratchet nearby waiting his turn, to Prime …
To Be Continued. Truly.
=0=TBC 06-27-2021