"Well if it isn't the daughter with the name of a Malfoy and the eyes of a Diggory. Well Diggory, come on, why don't you take care of your precious baby girl right now? God knows I'm sick of the 3 AM feedings for a baby that's not even mine"
"Fine. I'll take her. Give her here, Ava," Cedric said with outstretched arms. Ava looked at him uncertainly before handing the child over to him.
"Well isn't that just a lovely picture. One happy little family," Draco mocked. Ava glared at him.
Nearly everyone had seemed to have conjured their own bottle of hard liquor out of the air for themselves.
"You know, Hermione, I think your problem tonight just may be that you're not drinking any alcohol," Aubrey announced.
"Well, I, I can't drink."
"You're having another child?" Aubrey questioned. "You managed to get your husband to sleep with you? Tell me, how did you manage that?"
"No one else in his right mind would sleep with her," Draco muttered.
"Oh, go have an orgy and another baby with a man who isn't your husband!"
"Think you're so witty with that, do you? Clever little Hermione always was the brightest witch of our year, but she never did have the best comebacks."
"You're just jealous! You know you always wanted Ron, but you couldn't have him cause he wouldn't have you!"
"What? Are you crazy Hermione! You've never stood in the way of that! I hate to break it to you, but I probably have your husband more than you do!"
"Now, now ladies," Ron drunkenly butted in, "There's enough of Ron to go around for everyone."
"We all know you're not quite that well endowed, Weasley," Draco pointed out.
"Yeah, you're really not," Harry added. Ava and Aubrey looked at their husbands questioningly. Ron looked like his hopes and dreams had just been dashed. "Sorry, mate," he shrugged.
"Harry, is there something you'd like to tell me?" Aubrey questioned.
"What? We shared a dormitory for seven years, we were bound to see one another naked once in a while."
"I always knew there was something more going on with you and Weasley, Potter. I shared a dormitory with Crabbe and Goyle for seven years and never saw them naked. Of course they saw one another naked, but there was a bit of gay sex going on there, wasn't there?"
"Really?" Harry asked, suddenly intrigued. "You never even compared sizes? Not even once?"
"Well, didn't have to, did we? It's a given I'd be the best endowed."
"He was," Crabbe suddenly interrupted. "Snuck a peak at him while he was changing a few times and thought I was asleep. I always wished you were even a little bit gay, Draco."
"You are foul, Crabbe!" Crabbe shrugged in response.
"Well, there's only one way to settle this," Harry said.
Draco looked at Harry, Disgusted. "Potter, you are foul too! I am not about to drop my pants for you!"
"Nor I for you! I'm talking that there are three people in this room who can tell us exactly who is the best endowed." Everyone turned their attention to Ava, Aubrey, and Americus who had been giggling madly to one another the entire conversation.
"Well, girls. Who is it?" Draco asked. Ava, Aubrey, and Americus looked at one another, still giggling wildly.
"Cedric," the three said in unison. Cedric had a look of triumph on his face. Draco and Harry looked confused. Crabbe, Goyle, and Percy all shot a look of longing at Cedric. Cedric shifted uncomfortably under their stares while the one year old in his lap continued to lean against his chest, happily sucking on her bottle, oblivious to the conversation around her.
"What?" Draco and Harry asked at once. Ava and Aubrey shrugged in response.
"Well," Ava defended. "You asked, we simply gave an honest response."
"Well how do I compare then?" Draco asked.
"You're not much behind Cedric. I wouldn't have married you if you weren't, now would I?"
"Then where am I?" Harry questioned. "I know I was the largest in my dormitory."
"Well, dear," Aubrey said. "You, I'm afraid, are fourth."
"Fourth?" Harry asked, offended. "Well, then who's third?"
Ava and Aubrey looked at one another with another giggle. "Oliver." Harry narrowed his eyes at the other man.
"Well, how far behind am I? Size wise?"
"Oh, not even an inch, dear. And size really doesn't make a difference, I promise," Aubrey comforted her husband. She received a raised eyebrow and a smirk from Ava. Aubrey raised her eyebrow telling her friend not to say anything more.
Cedric was eyeing Crabbe and Goyle, becoming increasingly uncomfortable under their stares. "Could you please stop staring at me?" He finally burst.
"We're just admiring. Is there any chance you'd consider going gay for a night?" Crabbe asked, Goyle and Percy smirked, thinking the same thing to themselves.
"God, no!" Cedric said standing up, practically dropping Ella in the process.
"Now, now Cedric, be careful with the baby," Draco warned. "You ought to prove you're a fit father to your precious baby daughter."
"Sorry," Cedric apologized before turning his attention back to his admirers. "But what you're asking is preposterous. I can't take this any longer. Either you must leave, or I'm going to leave."
"Now, don't be silly, Cedric. They're simply admiring what they can't have. We all do it," Ava said.
"Like you would know what that's like?" Hermione asked.
"Oh piss off, Hermione. I love you, but I'm sick of you tonight," Ava said.
"Well, if I'm not wanted, I can take a hint."
"It only took you seventeen years to figure out!" Aubrey threw out.
"I've had enough of this." Hermione stood abruptly, and found her way to the play room. "January! Felicia! Robert! We're going!" They could hear her should from the other room. " RONALD BILIUS!" She screamed, after realizing her husband was still in the other room.
"Sorry mates," Ron shrugged as he reluctantly stood. "Lovely dinner, Ava, really. Wonderful, let's do it again," he said sarcastically before joining his wife. The family could be heard one by one shouting their destination into the fire. Finally when Ron has jumped into the flames conversation resumed.
"I think we're going to go as well," Bill announced and he and Fleur stood up from their seats.
"Zank you for haveeng uz. It vaz a lovely deener," Fleur said cordially before the two made their way to collect their two children.
"Well, shall we see who else we can get to leave before dessert?" Draco suggested.
"I vote for Crabbe and Goyle," Cedric said, casting a sideways glance at the two.
"Only if you'll leave with us," Goyle winked as little James Malfoy ran into the room, straight to his parents, followed shortly by his brother, Ryan.
"Mummy! Daddy!" The little boy sobbed. "Ryan said you found me on the side of the road!"
"I did not!" Ryan shouted back.
"Come here baby," Ava said pulling her son into her lap. "Ryan, what did I tell you about making up stories."
"Sorry," he looked down at his feet.
"Oh just tell them, Ava," Draco said. "They have a right to know."
"Draco!" Ava hushed.
"James, I'm afraid Ryan isn't entirely wrong." The little boy sat straight up, his brow furrowed and his lip trembling.
"Draco! No!" Ava pleaded, but Draco continued on.
"James, your Mum didn't find you on the side of the road. No she did indeed have you, but I'm afraid I'm not really your Dad. Uncle Harry is," Draco laughed malevolently. James began screaming in confusion, and Ryan had a look of triumph on his face.
"Calm down, baby, Daddy's just playing a joke on you, isn't that right, Draco?" Ava eyed him evilly. Draco didn't answer.
"I knew it!" Ryan screamed out. "Who's everyone else's Daddies? I knew I was your only real kid!"
"Oh, no, no, Ryan," Draco said. "I'm afraid your Daddy is that man over there," Draco pointed to Oliver. "Mr. Oliver Wood."
Ryan's eyes went wide and he looked as though he didn't know whether to run, scream, cry, or do all three. He let out a wail like none anyone had ever heard.
"Do you see what you've done, Draco?" Ava scolded as she stood up, a crying James attached to her hip, his face buried in her shoulder. Ryan seemed to attach himself to her leg. "Come on boys, lets go back to the play room and get you settled down. Daddy's just being silly tonight." Ava placed James back on the floor. "Here, Ced, give Ella here, I'll leave her with the rest of the children."
Ella happily went to her mother while James sniffled and Ryan nodded as he followed his mother and brother out of the room. Ava returned five minutes later, now childless.
"Right state you've got those children in now. I just hope Ryan doesn't say anything to the others."
"Well, the boys have got to know at some point that I'm not their Dad." Ava just sent her husband a glare.
"I think it's just about time for dessert," Ava announced and began ushering everyone back into the dining room, hoping the cakes, cookies, coffee, and tea would sober some of them up.