DISCLAIMER: Everything in the Harry Potter universe belongs to JK Rowling.

Chapter 1 - To love a Mudblood

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I'm sorry!"

"Save your breath." Lily stood with her arms folded in front of the portrait of the fat woman that guarded the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room. Severus was trying really hard not to imagine what she might be wearing —or not wearing— under her dressing gown. "I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."

"I was," said Severus at once. "I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just-"

"Slipped out?" There was no pity in Lily's voice. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends — you see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking. Lily always knew when he was lying, and by the look in her eyes lying now would be extremely unwise.

"I can't pretend anymore," said Lily in an ominous tone. "You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No- listen, I didn't mean-"

"-to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

Severus struggled on the verge of speech, panic wreaking havoc inside him. He could see in her eyes that if he didn't say the right thing right now he was going to lose her, but he couldn't say what she wanted him to say and she wouldn't believe him if he did anyway.

With a last contemptuous look, Lily began to turn away, clearly intending to climb through the portrait hole and out of his life.

"Because I love you!" he blurted out desperately.

He immediately wished to be swallowed by a crack in the stone floor, or better yet to go back in time thirty seconds and take it back, anything to save himself from any further humiliation. He had had enough today, what with being dangled upside down while the entire school laughed at him, and being defended by a girl, and then waiting pathetically outside the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room for hours. Everyone —including the blasted marauders— had sneered and laughed at him as they walked past, and he could only imagine how much worse it would be tomorrow if what he had just confessed became the next subject of gossip. Lily would probably not tell anyone —although she seemed to hate him now, so he couldn't be sure—, but what of the portrait? He had seen that fat woman gossiping with other portraits across the castle. And if the rumour reached Slytherin House... Severus had earned some approval today by publicly calling Lily a Mudblood, he would lose that and then some if his love declaration became public knowledge too.

All that would be nothing compared to the pain of rejection and the pity in Lily's eyes. In her current mood she might not even grant him her pity, sparing only a derisive glance in his direction. The perfect way to end the worst day of his life.

Lily froze at his words, and when she turned to look at him with doe eyes for a brief moment Severus allowed himself to hope that she would not brutally tear apart his heart. That she would turn him down gently and agree to stay as friends.

His hope vanished when her eyes turned cold again and the hard expression resettled on her face.

"That doesn't count for anything, Severus," she said coldly, "since you still think I'm filth."

"I don't!" he exclaimed hotly, rather peeved at having his feelings dismissed but somewhat relieved that he could continue arguing and postpone the moment of rejection. "I've never thought less of you because of- because of that, Lily! I knew you would be really powerful from the moment we met, it was actually your magic what first drew me to you, I... I admire you."

"Then how can you believe in that blood purity nonsense?" demanded Lily. "If you really think that of me, then I'm the living proof that Muggle-borns are not inferior. So either you're lying, or your belief system is crap. What is it?"

"I... I'm not lying," managed to say Severus, hoping she would not press the subject. On some level he knew, he had known for years, that she was right, that she was living proof that not all Mudbloods were scum, but he didn't want to think about that. He was content with just making an exception for her, just as he made an exception for his own mixed blood. "The word just slipped out, Lily, I'm just so used to hear it, and all right, I admit I also use it, but not because I mean it," he rushed to add. "I just can't be a Slytherin and not call people like you Mudbloods, Lily, you have to understand."

"You mean you can't hang out with Avery and Mulciber," she said icily.

"Same thing," said Severus exasperatedly. "Things are... complicated, in Slytherin... dangerous, even. I have to do certain things to fit in, Lily, but that doesn't mean I think any less of you. Today I just... I was humiliated, it embarrassed me to have a girl defending me so I lashed out, but I didn't mean it and I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me."

Lily's expression had softened in some degree. She was no longer looking at him with contempt, at least, and she had even seemed worried when he had mentioned things being dangerous in Slytherin. Her lips were still tightly pressed in obvious disapproval, but the ice in her eyes had melted into an increasingly sad expression.

Finally, she let out a loud sigh and her deep green eyes bore into his.

"I love you too, Sev," she whispered sadly.

Severus' heart stopped. He forgot to breathe. His brain went blank.

"But it's too late," she added, looking away and folding her arms again across her chest, although this time it was as if she were hugging herself.

Severus' heart, lungs and brain all seemed to reactivate at the same time, his entire body lurching into a frenzy of feelings, thoughts and impulses. His mind was trying to warn him that she might not have meant it the same way than he had, that most likely she just loved him as a friend —she always signed 'love' in her letters, after all, and it had never meant anything—, but his heart and certain other body part refused to back down.

"No," he choked as he involuntarily gave a step forward. He vaguely noticed that the portrait behind Lily was now empty, and wondered whether the fat woman had gone to spread the gossip. He couldn't quite care at the moment. "It can't be too late."

It couldn't! Severus had never dared to hope, but if Lily loved him back...

Her sad eyes rose to meet his again, and there was determination in them. Severus could see her closing up, pulling away.

"You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine," she repeated, her tone not as hard as the first time but just as ominous. "I forgive you for what you said to me today, Sev, but this wasn't just about that. It's about the people you're hanging out with and-"

"It doesn't matter who my friends are," cut her off Severus, shaking his head and advancing another step forward. "I don't like your friends either."

"My friends are not evil," she said coldly.

"Black and Potter are the definition of evil," hissed Severus, feeling something burn at the top of his stomach, "and you can't get much darker than Lupin."

"They are not my friends! And that's not the kind of darkness I mean!"

"Oh, you mean my kind of darkness?" challenged her Severus, crossing his own arms and looking down at her. They were very close now, but they were both too irate as to think of more than just glare at each other.

"I didn't say that," defended herself Lily. "But your friends use Dark Magic, and you-"

"I use Dark Magic too, Lily," he blurted. "Do you think I'm evil? Just say it!"

"I..."

Horror, fear and doubt chased each other across Lily's face.

"Dark Magic is not necessarily evil, Lily," said Severus, now looming over her. "It's just a different kind of magic, you should know this. What makes something evil is the intent, so maybe you should point your finger at Potter and his sidekicks before accusing me!"

"I..." Tears were threatening with spilling from Lily's beautiful eyes, but she wiped them furiously with the sleeve of her dressing gown. "I don't think you're evil, Sev, not yet, but if you keep going the way you're going... You can't deny that you aim to be a Death Eater!"

"So what?" snarled Severus, throwing caution to the wind in his frustration. "Joining the Dark Lord is about power, not about evilness or even Dark Magic. Will you judge me for wanting to have some of that?"

"I... It's just wrong, Severus!"

"What's wrong is that Dumbledore is covering up for a bloody werewolf and Black didn't get expelled for trying to kill me!" roared Severus. "What's wrong is what Potter and Black did to me today!"

"That's wrong too! But-"

"I love you, Lily," he said with fervour, locking eyes with her and barely holding back an overwhelming urge to devour her whole. "If you love me back..." he swallowed with difficulty, seeing as his heart seemed to be stuck in his throat. "That can't be wrong."

Lily's eyes were wide and bright, and so very close... He could smell her now, and even hear the sounds of her shallow breathing. Her lower lip was trembling, her mouth slightly open...

It wasn't so much a conscious decision as some sort of gravity that finally drew him in.

And suddenly he was kissing her.