Chapter 2 - Struggle

"I love you, Lily," said Severus with such fervour that it completely derailed her train of thought. She was suddenly very aware of just how close they were standing, and of how much Severus had grown in the last year or so. "If you love me back..." he hesitated, searching her eyes as if trying to read her soul. "That can't be wrong."

Lily had the vague notion that it was wrong, but she could barely remember why it was important to breathe, never mind what they had been arguing about just a moment ago. Severus' familiar scent, stronger than she had ever sensed it, had rendered her brain incoherent, and his burning eyes were threatening with melting her from the inside out.

So lost she was in his eyes that she didn't realize they were right upon her until their lips touched and her own eyes fluttered closed. Cold fingers buried in her hair and held her head in an iron grip while Severus' mouth pressed against hers, claiming her lips with unrestrained passion, his tongue breaking through to wrestle with hers, tasting her. Something lurched deep inside Lily, scorching flames suddenly searing through her body and making her burn with an overwhelming need to consume, as if she were a long starved dragon finally presented with a meal. A meal that seemed intent on devouring her, too.

She was on fire. Her hands were acting on their own accord, clinging to Severus in whatever way possible as she tried to get even closer, her mouth lunching her own assault on his lips while she vaguely cursed the existence of noses and the necessity of air. One of Severus' hands had disentangled itself from her hair and travelled down to snake around her waist, sliding down her lower back and pulling her against him as if he wanted to lift her. She was already on tiptoes, and found herself being pushed backwards until she hit a wall and was pressed against it, a gasp escaping her lips when Severus' mouth relocated and began kissing and nibbling the side of her neck, cold air making her suddenly aware that her dressing gown had slipped off her shoulder...

"AHEM!"

Severus jumped back several steps so fast that Lily thought some magic might have been involved. McGonagall certainly looked as if she had half a mind to throw a bucket of ice water at them, to Lily's inexpressible mortification. She wondered how many times her Head of House had had to clear her throat before she had managed to catch their attention.

Lily was still breathless and a bit dazed, but sense was quickly returning to her and making her realize that she had just been caught with Severus in a very indecorous position. It added to her horror to realize that the 'wall' she had been slammed against at the height of their insanity had actually been the portrait of the Fat Lady, who was now watching the scene with a mischievous glint in her eye.

"Well, I admit I did not expect to find this when I heard shouting," said Professor McGonagall in a hard tone as she surveyed their dishevelled appearances critically. Severus' usually lank hair was all tussled, and Lily's must not look much better, she thought as she rearranged her dressing gown. "I certainly expected better from you, Miss Evans! Being out after curfew is bad enough, but engaging in such inappropriate behaviour! And you a Prefect!"

Lily dropped her eyes. Would she ever recover from the shame and embarrassment?

"I'm sorry, Professor," she mumbled.

McGonagall humphed.

"Twenty points from Slytherin, Mr. Snape," she said briskly, "and if I catch you out after curfew again I will be having words with your Head of House."

Lily risked a look at Severus, who was standing with his hands in his pockets looking completely unrepentant and even resentful. McGonagall was plainly not pleased with his attitude, but after frowning at him for a moment longer she simply sent him back to his Common Room. He obeyed her command without comment, unfathomable black eyes meeting Lily's briefly before walking away.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor as well," said McGonagall next, pinning her with a disappointed look. "It truly shocks me to have found you in this position, Miss Evans, I thought you had more restraint. And more... sense."

Lily forced herself to hold her Head of House's piercing gaze, even though she wished nothing more than to fall into a crack of the floor and disappear.

"I thought so too, Professor," she said lamely.

She truly was shocked at herself. It wasn't unusual for students to 'engage in inappropriate behaviours', but Lily had never before done something like this. She was a Prefect, and she had always prided herself of being less impulsive than her peers. As to having better sense... she had thought so too, and yet she had lost her head with Severus. Severus, who had just admitted to practice Dark Magic and wanting to join You-Know-Who.

Professor McGonagall's countenance had softened, now seeming more concerned than disappointed.

"Do be careful, Lily," she said with a meaningful look, her tone grave. "These are dangerous times."

She seemed to want to say more, but after a brief internal deliberation she just sent Lily off to bed. Her words were enough to make her remember all the terrible things that had been happening lately, though, all the Muggle raids, and disappearances, and ghastly attacks... Severus wanted to be a part of that. He wanted to join a monster whose number one policy would be to execute or enslave people like her and her parents.

And she was in love with him.

Mary was already asleep when she finally went up to their dorm, which was a relief given that Lily really wasn't in the mood to talk. She wasn't sure she would ever want to talk to Mary —or to anyone— about what had happened tonight. The Fat Lady had promised to keep the secret, and if Severus also agreed then no one needed to ever know, they could pretend it had never happened and just forget about it.

She felt her heart wrench when she considered that sensible course of action. It was what she had to do, without a doubt, but... but she couldn't deny to herself how she felt, and after tonight she was certain it would be a lot harder to ignore.

Lily had loved Severus tenderly since they were children. At the naive age of eleven years old she had simply assumed that they would always be together, stubbornly clinging to the conviction that it didn't matter how different they were, nor which House they belonged to, nor who their friends were, in the end it would always be the two of them, inseparable. She had not realized until several years later that her feelings had gradually evolved from innocent friendship to something more, and by then her conviction had already begun to crack under the strain of the war and Severus' growing determination to take a path she couldn't follow nor approve. The pain and despair of seeing him slipping away from her, more distant and cold every day, choosing to keep company with evil people and echo all their stupid ideas about Muggles and Muggle-borns... At some point it had become too much for Lily. Her friends had tried to reason with her, make her see where Severus was heading, help her accept that people simply changed and went opposite ways, that she just had to let go of her childhood friend and move on. She had resisted, but the distance had continued growing, and she had began fearing she might not know Severus anymore, that she might be holding on to something that was already lost. This last year they had barely met alone outside class, and every time they had spent it arguing, until today she had reached her limit.

The moment when Severus had called her Mudblood... that had been when Lily had given up on him. When she had finally accepted that their friendship was over and that she would be a fool indeed if she allowed herself to feel so much for someone who despised her on principle.

But then he had said he loved her.

Until today, Lily had not been sure if Severus felt anything romantic towards her at all. She had suspected, sometimes, because of things he said or the way he looked at her, but then he would get defensive or say something that threw her off and Lily ended up every time convinced that it was just her own feelings that she was projecting. Hearing him scorn her as a Mudblood had dissolved any remaining doubts she might have still had at this point regarding his feelings for her, confirming that he didn't even respect her as a person.

But then Severus had said that he admired her for her magic. He had all but admitted that he knew the pureblood claims about Muggle-borns were crap, even if he didn't have the guts to go against other Slytherins.

He had said he loved her.

And he certainly hadn't been averse to touch her, Mudblood and all.

Severus wanted her. And Lily had just discovered just how much she wanted Severus.

Knowing that she not only loved him but she also felt powerfully attracted to him made everything more complicated. Harder to give up. Lily had not imagined that she could desire something so desperately, that kissing could feel so good and so right.

If only...

Lily curled into a ball under the covers, suddenly chilled by thoughts of war and torture and Death Eaters. She was well aware that the only thing she and Severus had agreed on tonight had been that they fancied each other. There was no doubt about that. She was also fairly sure that he had meant it when he had said he didn't really think less of her because of her blood. But all the rest... Severus was using Dark Magic, like Mulciber, and he really intended to become a Death Eater. He didn't see how wrong that was. He didn't want to see.

She wanted to believe that she could convince him of staying away from those creeps and especially from You-Know-Who, but she feared he would still not listen. And what would she do then?

Severus had said he loved her, but what if that didn't change anything?

Lily was so exhausted and distracted the next morning that she couldn't properly worry about failing her Ancient Runes' OWL. She had studied and revised a lot over the last few weeks and months, so the knowledge ought to be somewhere inside her head, but for the life of her she couldn't think of a single rune that morning during breakfast. Instead she kept glancing at the Slytherin table, waiting for Severus to show up. When he finally did, she saw with displeasure that Avery and Mulciber were with him, her uneasiness increasing when two seventh years, Wilkes and Jugson if she remembered right, waved at them to sit with their group. Lily was pretty sure that Severus didn't usually hang with them, in fact Jugson was one of those purebloods who would never give the time of day to a half-blood, and Wilkes hadn't moved a finger to help Severus against Potter and his gang yesterday, but there they were, all clustered together, chatting over breakfast as if they were friends.

A sickening feeling twisted her gut when she saw Wilkes turn to look directly at her with a disdainful sneer on his face. He elbowed Jugson and said something to him that made him turn and smirk cruelly at her too. Mulciber also threw her a malicious look before leaning to whisper something in Severus' ear. They obviously were talking about her, and whatever they were saying wasn't flattering. She would bet that the word 'Mudblood' was being used quite liberally amongst them.

When Severus looked up at Mulciber's prompting, for a terrible moment Lily thought that he was going to sneer at her too, but to her relief he just met her eyes for a moment before turning to Jugson with an indifferent expression, as if she were not worth his notice.

Lily looked away and tried to appear indifferent too while she struggled with her conflicting emotions. It didn't help that her eyes fell instead over Potter and Black, who were glaring at the cluster of Slytherins across the hall. She wished they would all stay away from Severus.

"Are you all right, Lily?" asked Mary with concern.

"I'm fine," she answered irritably.

"What happened with Snape, by the way? I couldn't stay awake last night."

Lily noticed that Potter's big head had snapped in their direction at the mention of Severus. Nosy toerag.

"You didn't forgive him, did you Evans?" he demanded loudly.

"It's none of your business, Potter," snapped Lily, her disgust and anger from yesterday coming back in strength. "Do not talk to me, ever again!"

She had barely eaten anything, but she couldn't stand to be there anymore so she brusquely gathered her notes and left the Great Hall, ignoring all the eyes that followed her on her way out. She didn't have much time to mill about in peace in the Entrance Hall, however, since breakfast finished soon after and all the Ancient Runes OWL and NEWT students came out to wait with her. Severus was one of them —they had chosen the same electives, back in third year—, and so was Remus. Lily ignored them both.

It would always be a mystery to her how she managed to concentrate in that exam, especially considering that right before McGonagall turned the hourglass Severus had looked across the hall and smirked at her in a way that had made her heart jump and her brain lose some coherence. It took her like five minutes to gather her wits and understand the first question after that, and all through the exam she kept remembering times when they had studied Ancient Runes together.

The next week was more of the same. To her disappointment, Severus didn't seek her out during the weekend, but that was probably good considering that they were in the midst of their examinations and they really couldn't afford any more distractions. And it made sense, since the Potions OWL was on Monday and Severus would probably want to reach it prepared enough to pass a NEWT. Lily also wanted to do well, so she tried her best to push Severus out of her mind and focus on revision.

She couldn't help to be hyperaware of him whenever they were in the same space, though, nor to feel hurt and annoyed at his cold indifference even though she knew —because of the way he looked at her when there were no witnesses— that it was just an act he put up for the other Slytherins. It wasn't that she wanted him to come and kiss her in front of everyone —she actually preferred to keep this secret between them at least until they could figure out what it meant—, but it bothered her the idea that Severus didn't want to be seen with a Mudblood.

It made her think that maybe she shouldn't want to be seen with him either, not if he was on his way to become a dark wizard.

By the time the examinations ended, Lily felt as if she had been riding an emotional rollercoaster for ten days in a row, and didn't really want to confront her Severus issues until she had had an entire week of uninterrupted sleep. Or ever. Because yes, part of her kept thinking that it would be best to just forget what had happened and put an end to anything between them before it went any farther. Preferably by letter, so she couldn't be persuaded otherwise. It would be harder now that she knew how he felt about her, and just how good it could be to be together, but was there really any option?

She was miserably contemplating this dilemma on Friday night while she patrolled the corridors with Remus. They had been exempted from Prefect duties during the OWL weeks, so this was the first time they were forced together since before the incident by the lake.

"Are you going to give me the silent treatment all night?" asked Remus after a while. He had been trying to engage her in conversation since they had began patrolling, asking her about her exams and plans for the holidays, but Lily had resolutely ignored him.

And she ignored him now.

Remus sighed.

"Look, if this is about what happened with Severus last week..." he began carefully. "I know I should have intervened-"

"Damn right you should have!" hissed Lily rounding on him and forgetting her intention of punishing him with her silence. "You're a Prefect, Remus."

"I know, I know," he said, the obvious regret and shame in his eyes making Lily's anger waver. "I was wrong, Lily. I- I don't deserve my badge, I know that. I just... I have difficulty confronting James and Sirius. They are my friends-"

"They are bullies, Remus. And I have to say, it doesn't speak very well of you the fact that you call those idiots friends and let them do whatever they want."

He sighed again and ran a hand through his sandy hair.

"They are not that bad," he said. "I mean... they have good and bad qualities. They are good friends to me. Supportive. Loyal."

Lily regarded him thoughtfully. She had never understood why Remus was friends with them, being so different. He was kind, studious, quiet, while James and Sirius were arrogant, lazy, boastful bullies. She supposed sharing a dormitory made necessary for him to be in good terms with them, but they all seemed closer than brothers.

Perhaps they had good qualities, like Remus said, qualities that they chose to show to people they cared about, just like the worst of them came out when they saw Slytherins —and especially Severus— walk by. It was true that they were loyal friends, supportive of each other. Lazy as they were, they always took turns to take notes for Remus when he missed classes, which happened a lot with his illness...

Or with full moons every month... whispered Severus' dry voice inside her head.

Lily was suddenly very alert. She had dismissed Severus' suspicions when he had insinuated it a few months ago, since it was simply absurd that Dumbledore could admit a werewolf in Hogwarts, but the last time they had talked Severus had brought it up again, this time much more directly. And he had sounded completely sure.

'Dumbledore is covering up for a bloody werewolf and Black didn't get expelled for trying to kill me!'

"Lily?" asked Remus in concern. "Are you all right?"

She tried to remember in which phase the moon had been during their Astronomy OWL two days ago, and relaxed slightly when the image of a waxing crescent came to her mind.

"What exactly," she asked in a very cold voice, her eyes hard as she looked at Remus and tried to see the monster behind those kind eyes, "happened that night under the Whomping Willow? What did Potter save Severus from?"

Remus paled, his eyes suddenly wide with panic. That confirmed it.

"You're a-!"

"Don't!"

Remus jumped forward, his arm reaching out to her in what seemed to be a reflexive attempt to keep the word from escaping her mouth, but before he could touch her or she could react a spell hit him and sent him flying down the corridor.

Lily turned around and drew her wand, ready for a confrontation, but the incantation died in her lips when she saw who it was.

Severus was standing in the doorway of an empty, dark classroom, his wand raised and pointed at Remus, who had frozen on the floor and was watching his attacker warily.

"Do not," growled Severus harshly, "put your filthy claws anywhere near Lily. Ever!"