Chapter 5 - The Secret Keeper
Remus was shocked.
Lily was hugging him, knowing full well that he was a werewolf. She unbelievably wasn't afraid of him, nor repelled, nor even resentful for what he had almost done to Severus.
Severus, who had threatened to kill him —painfully— if he ever put a finger on Lily. Granted, Remus wasn't exactly touching her skin at the moment, but he had promised to keep his distance, so this was definitely a breach to his word.
He knew he shouldn't allow this, but after the hellish evening he had had it felt so good to be hugged... Lily was such a warm person, so generous and kind, and so brave to be hugging a vicious beast like him. He could feel her acceptance involving him, her compassion aiming directly for his heart like some healing power that was making him feel less monstrous with each passing second.
Remus had never been hugged this way, not even by his parents. His father had mostly avoided physical contact with him ever since he had been bitten, and his mother's hugs were always so charged with grief over her tainted son that they made him feel even worse. As to his friends, James and Sirius sometimes attacked him with man-hugs, but those were short and with minimal contact, nothing nearly as intimate as this.
Thinking about James made him panic. What if he came down and saw him hugging Lily? He would surely misinterpret the situation and accuse him of breaking the code of honour between friends, even if James didn't have any real claim over Lily. Remus wasn't so afraid of his reaction as he was of Severus' if he found out about this, but the prospect was still frightening enough as to ruin the peace he had found in the hug and urge him to put an end to it.
Before he could extricate himself from Lily's arms, however, he noticed that she had began to shake, and a moment later he realized that she was crying.
He had a crying girl in his arms. How had this happened? What was he supposed to do? He had intended to break the hug and put some distance between them, but that course of action suddenly didn't feel right, on the contrary. Lily plainly was in need of comfort, and how could he deny her that when she had given him comfort just moments ago?
So instead of pulling away, Remus pulled her closer and hugged her tighter, moved by some human instinct that seemed to have been triggered by the sound of female distress and that made it feel the most natural thing in the world to gently stroke her head and rub soothing circles on her back. To hold her somewhat together while she broke apart.
And she really was breaking apart. Remus had never heard a person making such strangled sounds, as if she were an agonizing animal, and he would have never imagined Lily of all people could crumble to pieces like this.
What could have driven her to this state? Had she received bad news from home? In the last year Remus had seen enough students distraught over the death —usually murder— of a family member so as to know how much the loss of a loved one could affect a person, and Lily's parents were Muggles so it was a real possibility in the present climate. Remus had assumed that Lily's pale and shaken appearance when she had climbed through the portrait had been due to the shock of finding out —or more like finally believing— that he was a werewolf, but the fact that she was crying in his arms suggested that his condition was the least of her problems right now. Had McGonagall intercepted her on her way back to the Common Room to inform her of an attack on her family? It seemed like too much of a coincidence —a cruel one— that such news should reach her just after learning that she lived with the monster that had almost killed her childhood friend.
And then the most obvious explanation hit him.
Severus.
While they had seemed united against Remus during most of the earlier confrontation —Lily displaying concern and indignation in Severus' behalf while Severus had been wildly over-protective of her—, Remus couldn't forget that last week Severus had called her a Mudblood. He had also noticed the hungry glint in Severus' eyes when he stared at her over his cauldron, the people he had began to hang out with —Mulciber was a really nasty pervert—, his cruelty... He was pretty sure that Severus was obsessed with Lily to the point that he had been following her this evening, and yet Remus had left her alone with him in a dark corridor. He had left her with an angry, possessive, violent person that had an obvious sexual interest in Lily despite considering her filth.
Suddenly Remus was hoping someone had died and that Lily wasn't crying for herself.
The sobs were coming out more quietly now, the lulls of simple sniffing more frequent, so he gently dissolved the hug and guided her to the nearest couch. Seeing that she was still shaking, he took off his outer robe and wrapped it around her —even though the trembling was probably more from shock than from cold—, retrieving in the process a handkerchief from his pocket. Remus wouldn't have offered the old rag to a girl under any other circumstances, but as it was he rendered it presentable enough with a quiet 'Scourgify' and Lily accepted it gratefully without even looking at it.
"Lily, did something happen with Severus?" he finally dared to ask in a low voice, casting a quick glance in the direction of the dormitories to make sure no one had come down. If James saw Lily like this and suspected Severus was responsible things would get extremely ugly.
Severus' name brought on another cascade of tears and a sickening feeling in Remus' gut.
"Did he... did he do something to you?" he pressed on, mentally berating himself for leaving her alone and considering whether he should take her to McGonagall or Madam Pomfrey first.
His question made Lily blush, a reaction that didn't bode well at all. However her embarrassment was replaced by confusion and then dismay when she caught sight of Remus' probably dark expression.
"Whatever you're thinking, it's not like that, Remus," she said in a hard tone that sounded rather weak. "Severus would never... He didn't do anything I didn't want. And he would never hurt me."
Remus leaned against the arm of an armchair and contemplated this new information. It definitely sounded like Lily had wanted whatever had happened. Severus had not forced not hurt her, which was a huge relief.
He felt ashamed for having jumped to such a terrible conclusion, and conflicted for still thinking that it hadn't been an unreasonable conclusion to jump to. He actually still considered possible that Severus might have manipulated Lily somehow...
Remus shook his head, disgusted with himself. He shouldn't judge Severus without really knowing him, nor without any evidence that he had done something bad. As far as he knew he had tried to apologize to Lily for calling her a Mudblood, and he had been protective of her earlier tonight.
Maybe he had misread the whole situation.
"Did you two... quarrel?" he asked after a few silent minutes. Could that be it? Remus had thought Lily and Severus were only friends —and barely that lately—, but maybe they were closer than everyone assumed. Maybe Severus' interest was returned and Lily's grief was caused by a broken heart.
Had Severus broken up with her because she was a Mudblood? Remus didn't know what to think anymore.
Lily was looking at him with doubt in her watery green eyes, clearly hesitant to confide in him. Which was perfectly understandable, considering that Remus was a werewolf, and friends with people she hated and who hated Severus.
"You don't have to tell me," he tried to reassure her. "But if you want to talk about it, I promise whatever you say will stay between us."
Lily considered his sincerity for another long minute, and for some reason she seemed to decide to trust him.
"I... I broke it off," she mumbled. "I didn't really want to, but... I had to. I couldn't... He wanted to keep it secret, like a shameful affair. It's better for him in Slytherin if everyone thinks he despises me, he says, if he treats me like scum in public. He wanted me to go along, but I can't, can I?"
There was pleading in her eyes at that last question, as if she desperately wished for someone to tell her that she could and should go along. Remus was too appalled as to say anything at all, though, and plainly it showed in his eyes because Lily let out a defeated sigh.
"He said..." her voice broke, and a lonely tear escaped her left eye. Somehow that single drop of sadness sliding down her face affected Remus a lot more than the previous waterfall, making his heart ache with the need to take her in his arms again and give her whatever comfort he could. "He said that if I really loved him I would support what he wants to do. But that's not fair! What about me? If he truly loved me he would give up all that dark stuff and just be with me!"
Remus glanced uneasily in the direction of the stairs. If Lily got any louder someone was bound to hear, and at least the other Prefects would feel obligated to rise from bed to come investigate. The silence that fell at the end of Lily's rant wasn't disturbed by any distant sounds, though, so perhaps they were safe.
He focused his attention on Lily again, thinking about everything she had said so far. It was hard to assimilate the whole notion of Lily and Severus loving each other, and baffling that Severus could throw away Lily's love like that. So many blokes would do most anything to win and keep a girl like her, and the one who inexplicably own her heart just pushed her away? Refused to publicly acknowledge their relationship?
Could Severus really expect Lily of all people to go along with that?
And just how deeply involved with 'dark stuff' was Severus? Did he intend to take Lily with him down some dark path?
"I knew I had to end it, but... I didn't really expect it to be over," continued Lily, her eyes lost in the dying fire and seeming to be talking to herself. "I guess on some level I had hoped he would see reason... that if he had to choose, he would choose me... But he didn't, and now he hates me."
"I doubt anyone could hate you," said Remus without really thinking. Lily was just... too good.
"He does," she said in a hollow voice. "The look in his eyes... He looked at me as if I had betrayed him. As if... as if I were dead to him."
"He's probably just frustrated, hurt," he said, not sure why he was defending Severus. Maybe it was just that he couldn't bear Lily thinking herself hated by someone she so obviously loved. "Men don't handle well rejection, and Severus... he's the kind of person that lashes out when he feels threatened, slighted or... humiliated."
To his shame, Remus knew all too well how Severus reacted to people hurting him. And he was pretty sure that the hatred in his dark eyes wasn't always caused by or directed to the person he was looking at. He also suspected it was a defence mechanism.
Whether his words helped Lily with her grief or not, Remus couldn't say. She still looked as if someone really close to her had died hating her and she couldn't imagine ever feeling happy again. She was also extremely pale and trembling as if there was a Dementor in the room with them, which was why Remus was glad when a few minutes later she announced she was going to bed. Hopefully a good night's sleep would soothe some of her pain and give her strength to deal with the heartbreak.
"Will you..." she asked hesitantly before departing, "You won't tell anyone, right? I don't approve of what he's doing, and I can't go along with it, but... if it's really dangerous for him in Slytherin..."
She seemed reluctant to admit the possibility that Severus might have valid reasons to keep his relationship with a Muggle-born secret, but it was obvious that she was worried. Remus wondered if Severus had any idea of just what he was throwing away. Lily could have just forced his hand by spreading the rumour of their relationship, but despite not approving of the need for secrecy nor being willing to go along with it she would stay quiet to protect him.
"Of course," he assured her. "You can trust me to keep the secret."
She nodded.
"You can trust me too," she said with a meaningful look that reminded him of the amazing fact that she now knew what he was and seemed to fully accept him.
She might even be willing to hug him again sometime, he thought wistfully.
It was really late and he was really tired, but Remus, feeling the need to think about everything that had happened that night, decided to stay in the Common Room a while longer.
He had almost been exposed tonight. Even though Lily was willing to keep his secret and Severus would likely not risk expulsion —Remus felt terrible relying on Dumbledore's threat—, it had been too close. Any random student sneaking around after curfew could have witnessed the confrontation, and while he didn't think any compromising words had been said —he had to acknowledge both Severus' and Lily's careful choice of words in the middle of a stressful argument— someone listening in would have at least learned that Remus was dangerous.
He really shouldn't come back to Hogwarts next year. The risk of exposure was too great, it was simply astonishing that no one else had figured out what he was yet with so many conspicuous absences once a month. It didn't help that his dumb friends often called him Moony in public. And Severus might just explode one day and tell everyone before the Headmaster could shut him up. Remus doubted that Dumbledore would truly expel him if that happened, or at least he wanted to believe that the Headmaster wouldn't see the point of enforcing the threat when there was no longer a secret to keep.
But the risk of exposure wasn't the only reason why he should go, nor the most important.
He was dangerous. He had almost killed Severus. Even though he was certain that Sirius would never do something so stupid and irresponsible again, there was still a risk. What if some other student found his or her way down the tunnel during a full moon? What if James, Sirius and Peter were followed sometime? (the Invisibility Cloak was great, but not infallible) What if Remus hurt one of his friends even in their Animagi forms? They never should have taken that risk for him! It was a miracle that they hadn't all died attempting their first transformation, and they could be caught and convicted for being unregistered Animagi any day.
So much recklessness. And Remus had always gone along with everything, if with some weak objections. He was the monster, so at least he should be more responsible. Sometimes he had the impression that his friends didn't take the threat he represented seriously, that it was all a joke to them, an excuse to go in dangerous adventures. But Remus knew better, should know better. He shouldn't allow himself to be blinded by his longing for friendship and company during the full moon. He should bear his curse alone, and keep a low profile, never forget what he was nor what was at stake.
Of course none of these were new thoughts, but his confrontation with Severus and Lily tonight had forced him to consider them more seriously than usual. Normally he only talked about his condition with his friends, who made light of it to cheer him up and told him off whenever he got 'too boring' trying to be responsible. Severus and Lily were different, though, more serious people. Tonight Severus had been really harsh and maybe a bit cruel, taking out on Remus all his anger at James and Sirius, but he hadn't said anything that wasn't true, and the way he had said it had made it all sound so much worse, the horror of what had happened much more real and unacceptable.
And then there was Lily. She was infinitely more gentle than Severus, willing to forgive and give him the chance to finish his education, but somehow the way she had said 'as long as you don't hurt anyone' had made Remus feel as if he had signed a magical contract that made absolutely impossible to disregard that clause. Lily hadn't threatened him like Severus had done, but with her kindness she had managed to cow him into responsible behaviour much more efficiently than Severus with his harshness.
She had also forced him to confront his shameful performance as a Prefect and as a Person, particularly last week when he had done absolutely nothing while James and Sirius ganged up on Severus. That had been so, so wrong. Everything about it. Remus was ashamed of himself, and ashamed of his friends. He had been troubled about that all week, but tonight's events had brought back the shame and disgust in full. James' and Sirius' behaviour... It hadn't been the first time they had done something that had made Remus uncomfortable, but this time they had crossed the line to nauseating, and it was just so much harder to ignore.
Remus buried his face in his hands, clawing at his forehead with his fingernails and half-wishing they were actually claws to hurt himself the way he did in his wolf form. Right now he felt more like a monster than under the full moon, when he didn't have control over his actions and therefore could technically be excused for whatever he did. Because he had been in full control of himself that day by the lake, and yet he hadn't behaved as a human being should.
James and Sirius —and Peter— seemed to believe that their behaviour was justified by the identity of their victim, but Remus couldn't agree. It didn't matter who the person was, bullying was inexcusable. Severus hadn't done anything to them, they had attacked him just because they were bored, for fun, because he existed. They had enjoyed Severus' humiliation. Peter had cheered them on.
Right now, Remus couldn't remember their good qualities. The idea of losing his only friends terrified him, but he feared he might not be able to just shrug this last incident off. Lily's words and look when she had scolded him for not intervening in a clear case of bullying, and later when Severus had related to her what Sirius had done, were stuck in the front of his mind. It really didn't reflect well on Remus to loyally stick to his group of friends after everything that had happened in the last few months. Instead of maturing, James and Sirius seemed to be getting worse, more reckless and malicious, and Peter as usual went along with them. They were impervious to Remus' lectures, unrepentant, unwilling to change their behaviour just because Remus asked. Sirius hadn't even apologized to Severus for almost killing him.
Remus couldn't feel proud of having such friends, and he couldn't help resenting them for behaving in a way that made him feel so conflicted.
He tried to imagine distancing himself from them, but they were so tightly involved that it seemed impossible. They shared a dorm, all their classes, they kept each others' secrets... Sirius, James and Peter had become Animagi for him, and their company during the full moon really made a difference. Just imagining their faces if he told them that he didn't want to be friends anymore made him feel ungrateful and filled him with dread and guilt.
Shying away from that distressing topic, Remus turned his thoughts back to Lily and the shocking revelation that she was in love with Severus. He wondered how long they had been together without anyone suspecting, and how far they had gone... No, Remus didn't want to think about that. But he was curious about their relationship, particularly about why Lily had a problem with secrecy now if they had been meeting in secret for a while. His only guess was that the incident last week when Severus had called her Mudblood had been a turning point, maybe making Lily realize why Severus wanted to keep it secret.
Did Severus truly love Lily? That was an interesting question. It was difficult to imagine Severus Snape feeling anything warmer than cold indifference towards anyone. Unless it was lust. But Lily had talked about love, implying that they had both said the words to each other. Had Severus meant them? Remus was still half-ashamed of having thought the worst of him earlier, but only half. The truth was, he didn't know what to think of Severus. The fact that someone so good as Lily had always cared about him spoke in his favour, but everything else... Was he a good person with anger issues, or a bad person that had always taken advantage of Lily's kind nature? Did he think less of her for being muggle-born, as his calling her a Mudblood suggested?
And did he aspire to become a Death Eater once he graduated from Hogwarts? The company he was currently keeping suggested that he was heading that way, which was no doubt why Lily had broken up with him. These days the word 'Mudblood' was code for 'I want to be a Death Eater', in fact James theorized that Severus had been sort of initiated into the 'Junior Death Eaters' Society' last week, almost as if someone had dared him to call Lily a Mudblood so he could get in. And sadly Remus thought James might very well be right.
Despite all those bad signs, Remus had difficulty placing Severus in the same category of people than Mulciber or Avery, or Wilkes, or any of the other Slytherins who seemed interested in becoming Death Eaters. Maybe it was the obvious fact that as a half-blood without wealth nor influence Severus was —or had been, until recently— looked down upon and excluded by his own housemates; or the unquestionable courage that must have required to maintain a relationship with a Gryffindor Muggle-born for so many years, even if clearly he was no longer willing to acknowledge it publicly.
Or perhaps it was the guilt Remus felt for his part —however passive, however unintentional— in what must have been some of the worst experiences in Severus' life. It was because of his presence in Hogwarts that Severus had faced the terror of a fully transformed werewolf, the humiliation of being saved by his nemesis, and then the Headmaster's unfair threats. And Remus had failed him as Prefect too, reinforcing Severus' evident disdain for authority figures.
It was no wonder that Severus was always so angry. He must feel as if the whole school was set against him, either bullying him, laughing at him, looking down on him, or failing to punish those who hurt him. It was obvious that he was at the end of his rope, and not surprizing at all that he had fallen in with a bad crowd.
Of course Severus had had a cruel, violent streak for as long as Remus could remember, so he must have already been a nasty piece of work before even coming to Hogwarts, but maybe if he had been treated better at school he would not have been so ready to join a dark cause. And if there wasn't a war going on and half the people in his House supported You-Know-Who. It really must be difficult and even dangerous to be in Slytherin these days and not agreeing or pretending to agree with the pureblood creed.
The question was: did Severus really believe in all that crap, or was he just pretending? Was he a good person trying to survive in Slytherin, or was he right at home with Death Eater aspirants? Was he evil, or just angry? Would any of that make any difference if he joined You-Know-Who and committed terrible acts in his name?
Remus shook his head to clear it of such heavy thoughts. The world was becoming too dark, life in Hogwarts too tense. It seemed more foolish every day to occupy themselves with silly pranks or reckless adventures when so horrible things were happening all around and even inside the castle. War wasn't a game, and people couldn't be so easily classified as James and Sirius seemed to think. Bullying anyone from Slytherin just because they existed wouldn't help one bit.
More conflicted than ever, and wishing for another comforting hug, Remus made his way up to the dormitory he shared with his three best friends. It was a mess inside, as usual, but at least his side of the room was relatively clear and Sirius hadn't used his bed as wardrobe as he sometimes did. Remus discarded the robe and handkerchief he had lent to Lily on the laundry basket —resisting the temptation of using the Lily-scented robe as pillow— and went through the motions of preparing for bed, contending feelings of fondness and irritation assaulting him every time he had to dodge random objects or clothes' items left by his roommates all over the place.
"Moony?" whispered James' voice.
"Yeah," he whispered back.
The curtains of James' bed were drawn back and Remus saw his friend looking at him with a frown.
"I was about to get the cloak to go search for you. You're usually back much earlier when you patrol."
Remus' heart warmed at James' concern, just as he felt a pang of guilt for having been thinking only a few minutes ago about distancing himself from his friends.
"I just lost track of time talking with Lily," he explained with an apologetic shrug.
James' expression instantly became more focused.
"Did you talk about me?" he inquired eagerly. "What did she say?"
Remus sighed. James had asked him —repeatedly— to intercede in his behalf with Lily, and Remus had said he would try even though he had had no intention of jeopardizing his civil relationship with his fellow Prefect by bringing up James.
"Sorry, mate," he said, and now that he knew about Lily and Severus he felt more sorry than he could say. "She doesn't want to talk about you. We just discussed the exams."
James ran his hands through his hair, looking dejected.
"I don't know what to do," he whispered miserably.
It really was something, to see James stripped of his normal confidence, for once not trying to impress anyone and exposing his vulnerability. It was proof of the trust that existed between them.
A trust that Remus probably no longer deserved.
"Maybe..." he said carefully. "Maybe you should give up, James."
His friend shook his head.
"No way. Now that Snivellus is out of the way for good there will be no one poisoning her against me all the time. It should be easier to win her over."
Remus didn't say anything in response, although it bothered him that James didn't seem to believe Lily capable of forming her own opinions about people without anyone influencing her. He had no doubt that Severus must have done his best to turn her against James, but clearly she didn't just accept everything he said and her dislike of James was mostly based on her own observations. And Remus hadn't heard Severus say anything about James that wasn't true, so he wasn't sure he would call it poisoning.
He felt terribly disloyal not telling James about Lily and Severus, but he had promised Lily to keep the secret, and he owed Severus a lot more than just some discretion. He just hoped that if this ever came to light James and the others would never suspect that Remus had known and not told them, because he doubted James would ever forgive him for that and Sirius would probably accuse him of betrayal too.
"She's the one, Moony," whispered James once Remus had slipped into his bed and put out the candle on his bedside table. "She will be mine one day, you'll see."
He sounded confident once more, and his confidence made Remus feel uneasy. He supposed it wasn't impossible, since Lily had broken it off with Severus, but Remus found himself hoping James would fail to pick up the pieces of her shattered heart. His friend might have some good qualities, but he didn't deserve a girl like her. Severus probably didn't deserve her either, and Lily certainly deserved better than either of them, but remembering how distraught she had been earlier tonight Remus couldn't help to hope that Severus would get his head out of his ass and choose her.
Even if he had the horrible feeling that Severus would make her cry on a regular basis.