A/N: Thank you all for the reviews! Without that motivation I would probably switch to another story, as I have a tendency to do. Receiving feedback and encouragement doesn't guarantee regular updates, but it certainly helps. And it's nice, so thank you.

I keep thinking that I will be able to post more than one chapter each week, but I somehow end up struggling to finish a single one. This story definitely is taking a lot of work, and the chapters are coming out longer and more emotionally charged than originally envisioned. This one in particular might be a bit too long (at least it felt like writing five chapters in a row), but there's just too much going on in Severus' life.

Chapter 6 - To balance on the edge of darkness

Severus watched from above the unconscious —and slightly disfigured— bodies of his enemies. He would have liked to curse them himself, but unfortunately this was the work of Wilkes and Jugson, who had decided to make use of their last train ride to send a little message to Severus' tormentors.

"I don't think these assholes really heard what we said," commented Jugson as he sunk his heel hard on Potter's face, breaking his nose with a sickening sound and a gush of blood. "So you will explain your little friends how things are going to be from now on."

Pettigrew —who looked as if he was about to piss himself, if he hadn't already— nodded fervently from his corner.

"You mess with Snivellus, you mess with us, got it?" clarified Jugson.

"And make no mistake," added Wilkes, aiming a good kick at Black's groin. That was really going to hurt when he woke up, thought Severus with satisfaction, "we might be graduating, but there will still be people around next year to make sure no one disregards our warning."

Severus felt really odd as he followed Wilkes out of the Marauders' compartment. He was almost as tall as the seventh years now, if not as strongly built, and walking with such an intimidating group made him feel... powerful. Untouchable. The situation definitely contributed to that feeling, seeing as they had left behind a compartment full of messed up or trembling people, to now be making their way through a corridor that had been blocked on both ends by Slytherins, younger students of all houses warily watching them pass from behind magically looked doors.

He could hardly believe that such elaborated ambush had been organized specifically for his benefit, and while it still made him uneasy to be receiving so much attention from the older students he was pretty sure that it was supposed to be flattering. Even if he felt simultaneously insulted and embarrassed by the whole thing. And irritated. Because the way this strike had been planned and executed, without anyone asking Severus if he agreed or even informing him beforehand, taking him along but not allowing him to participate in his own revenge, showed very clearly how low was their opinion of him. That they thought him weak and in dire need of protection, pathetic. Jugson even had referred to him as Snivellus, proving that he didn't respect him any better than two weeks ago.

This wasn't what he wanted. Pleasant as it had been to see those jerks brought down and kicked around, Severus had been left with a bitter taste in his mouth. Because Black and Potter were his to punish, no one else's. He didn't want others to do the job for him, he wanted to do it himself, with his own hands and wand. And not just curse them and kick them. They should suffer a great deal of humiliation, but instead he was sure most people would see them as innocent victims of nasty Slytherin bullies.

And it wasn't as if Jugson and Wilkes had done him a favour. More likely this would make things even worse for him next year, since far from heeding the warning Potter and Black would no doubt escalate hostilities. Even if Jugson delivered and got the new seventh years to look after him, they would not be close enough to intervene all the time, and even if they were Severus really didn't want to be called a coward for hiding behind the skirts of older students. Which was how this looked like.

Despite his bitterness, however, Severus could see this as the clear show of support that it was, and he felt both smug and hopeful about it. He had feared Jugson and Wilkes had been just talking and making empty promises, but this was proof that they were serious and that Severus wasn't so completely alone in Slytherin anymore. If he put his pride aside, he could even understand that they had actually been looking after him by not allowing him to get his hands dirty. Jugson and the others had already graduated, so their education would not suffer for whatever they did on the train back to London —any consequences for them would be only legal, now, and they all had powerful parents to make it go away—, while Severus could have been reported and issued some sort of official warning. He had never cared much about his disciplinary record, but in the last week Wilkes and several sixth years had drilled into his skull the importance of looking good and innocent on paper.

That was why, just in case, they had waited for a moment when Lupin wasn't in the compartment to strike —attacking Prefects was never advisable, insisted Jugson, since it brought much more attention to the incident. Severus would have liked to see the werewolf shaking in fear as well, but he didn't object to the no-Prefects policy since that meant Lily would be relatively safe while in Hogwarts. Whatever he had said to her, he too had been disturbed by what Mulciber had done to McDonald and he would not hesitate to eviscerate whoever dared to do something like that to Lily.

They passed Lupin at the end of the carriage —he was arguing with Mulciber and Avery, trying to get through the blockade—, but Severus ignored him and the others just commented loudly on his second hand robes —which was an insult applicable to Severus as well, as no doubt everyone was aware of— before sarcastically praising his Prefect work and advising him to go check on his blood-traitor friends.

It was a relief when he finally parted ways with the older students and returned with Avery and Mulciber to their own compartment. His mates weren't all that much better company, but at least they were in the same year and Severus didn't feel so on edge around them, nor so inferior... At least until the time came to change into his mortifying muggle clothes and drag his battered trunk down to the platform.

This was the moment he most dreaded all year: when he had to make his way through the crowded Platform Nine and Three Quarters dressed like a penniless Muggle. He resented his mother furiously for this humiliation, since despite being a witch she refused to use magic to side-Apparate him home like most of the Slytherin parents did. Severus knew that she was capable —he had once found her Apparition licence while going through her old stuff—, and his father would never know if she used a little magic out of the house, but she stubbornly insisted on excruciatingly slow Muggle transportation. As if she were a useless Squib!

Clenching his teeth and trying to remember that his mother was a victim —if a stupid one that couldn't really blame anyone but herself for her pathetic situation—, Severus began to scan the crowd in search of the tall, imposing figure of Eileen Snape née Prince. He saw a flash of red hair that made his heart race, but he forcefully turned his eyes and thoughts in another direction and continued searching, his attention somewhat scattered after that brief glimpse of Lily.

"Oi, Snape!" called Mulciber's voice over the loud chatter, "Over here!"

Severus interrupted his so far unsuccessful search to see that Mulciber was waving him over to where he was standing with his father and the Averies. Feeling nervous, and not sure at all whether he wanted his mother to find him in the company of so many disdainful purebloods, he schooled his face into an impassive mask and dragged his old trunk towards them.

The introductions were really awkward, at least for Severus, who felt the eyes of Mr. Mulciber and Mr. Avery studying him head to toes, no doubt taking notice of his unflattering muggle attire and generally unattractive appearance.

"So, this is the half-blood you mentioned?" asked Mr. Mulciber to his son. Severus bristled internally at that, but the neutral tone and seriousness in the old man's eyes gave him the odd impression that he wasn't being mocked nor slighted.

"The Prince half-blood, father, yes," said his mate, loyally stressing the one thing Severus had going for him. The Princes might refuse to acknowledge his existence, but no one could take their blood from him. And it was good, pure old blood.

"He does have a Prince air about him," commented Mr. Avery dryly. "More pride than substance, all of them."

It took Severus all his painstakingly exercised self-control to remain outwardly calm and not react to the obvious provocation. His mate Avery looked uncomfortable, clearly torn between speaking up for Severus and avoiding his father's displeasure. It was Mr. Mulciber who next spoke, however, sending a pointed look at the other man.

"For what I've heard, Mr. Snape here has more than enough substance to justify his pride, Avery," he said in a cold, admonishing voice. "At least the kind of substance that truly matters. We both know that old talents tend to resurface even after many generations of substandard wizards, if the original blood is particularly powerful."

If it had been hard to keep his resentment from showing before, now it was almost impossible to hide his disbelief. Mr. Mulciber had basically acknowledged Severus' magical power, implying that he possessed natural talents, true substance that mattered more than wealth or a completely pure family tree. And the most astonishing part was Mr. Avery's reaction to Mr. Mulciber's statement and particularly to his look, which seemed to convey a lot more meaning than the words. The man's eyes widened as if in realization, and when he looked back at Severus his disdain had been replaced by keen interest. There was also a hint of resentment, and something that Severus would have called jealously if the notion weren't completely absurd.

"My apologies, Mr. Snape," said Mr. Avery with a curt nod, intensifying Severus' feeling of unreality, "I'm sure we can expect great things from you."

"You are welcome to come visit us at our country house later in the summer, Mr. Snape," added Mr. Mulciber, saving Severus from having to reply to Avery's father. "My son is always eager to have more friends over to play Quidditch during the holidays."

"Thank you, sir, that sounds like fun," said Severus, even though he hated Quidditch. He saw Avery stifle a snort, and Mulciber looked as if he were remembering that time in first year when Black had hexed Severus during their first flying lesson, making him fall in a very embarrassing way and marking him forever as the laughing stock of their class.

The Averies and the Mulcibers Apparated away soon after that, and Severus went back to search for his mother, his mind still swirling after that unexpected exchange with two prominent blood purists.

Now that the platform had emptied considerably, it only took a quick look around to be sure that his mum wasn't there. Probably stuck in traffic somewhere, thought Severus with annoyance, although it was uncharacteristic of his mother to be late anywhere. She usually left home with a lot of time to spare, especially when she picked him up at King's Cross.

Maybe she was waiting on the other side of the barrier? That seemed like the next natural step for someone pretending to be a bloody Muggle.

His internal debate of whether to wait inside the platform —and force his mother to come get him like a proper witch— or go out to meet her was resolved by the sight of Potter and Black emerging from the train some distance away. They were conscious once again, probably healed —although Black walked funny—, and gesticulating angrily in the midst of a group that seemed to include several parents. As Severus watched, Potter turned in his direction and pointed wildly at him in a gesture reminiscent of fanatic Muggles accusing someone of witchcraft, only Severus was pretty sure that he preferred taking his chances with actual Muggles than with that bunch of angry Gryffindors.

So before anyone could decide to make him pay for what Wilkes and Jugson had done, Severus picked up his trunk again and escaped through the barrier to the Muggle world.

His mother wasn't waiting outside either.

More irritated by the minute, he put some more distance from the barrier —to be able to see Potter and Black coming if they realized that they didn't need magic to beat him up— and sat on a bench to wait. He felt as if he had a dark cloud around his head, or some nasty parasite feasting on his liver. This last week had been horrible, and while he really wasn't looking forward to be back home with his bastard of a father he did feel the need to lock himself up in his room and be alone for a while. He wanted a break from the bloody Marauders, and from his fellow Slytherins, and...

"Severus?"

The voice ran through his body like an electric current, shocking all of him into abrupt attention. He got whiplash turning his head towards Lily, who was standing a mere ten feet from him dressed in Muggle clothes —her tight jeans and blouse making his trousers feel suddenly tight as well— and looking at him with a wary expression. It was the first time they were near each other since that night last week when she had broken it off —Severus had avoided to even look in her direction ever since—, and the sight of her brought on another devastating wave of longing and fury.

"What?" he snapped, trying his best not to show how affected he was by her proximity nor how much he still wanted her. Staring into her eyes would not help with this endeavour, so he looked away, his gaze coming to rest on a group of people standing together a bit further away.

He had not realized that there were still students with their families outside the platform, but obviously the Evans were there, Lily's mother chatting enthusiastically with McDonald's parents while her father watched like a hawk what his daughter was doing with 'that Snape boy' from the wrong side of town. As much as Severus wished to grab Lily and kiss her for his own pleasure, at that moment he would have wanted to do it just to cause a stroke to Mr. Evans, who had never approved of their friendship and had even warned Severus once to keep his hands off his little angel.

Lily would most likely step away from him again if he tried to kiss her now, though, and Mr. Evans would be only too pleased to get the police involved if he thought Severus was molesting his daughter, so he fought the urge even though it was a lot harder to control his temper when the one looking down on him was a common Muggle.

"Is your mum not coming?" asked Lily hesitantly. "Do you need a ride? Tuney didn't want to come today, so there's room in the car..."

"I don't want anything from you," he spat. If things had been different, he would have enjoyed the opportunity to provoke Mr. Evans by fondling his daughter in the back seat the entire ride, but as it was spending a few hours in a confined space saturated with Lily's smell without being able to touch her would undoubtedly drive him mad. "And I certainly would never stoop so low as to travel in a Muggle car with a Mudblood and her filthy family."

His words didn't have the effect he had aimed for. Instead of bristling at the insult, Lily looked at him sadly, her deep green eyes seeming to see right through his spitefulness. He knew she was just feeling sorry for him, that she didn't really care about him as much as he had naively believed, but he longed to hold her so desperately... At that moment, it seemed moronic to have allowed her to break it off a week before the holidays started. If he had simply lied, pretended to at least be considering her arguments, promised to distance himself from Mulciber and Avery as soon as possible, he could have spent the entire summer kissing her, touching her, sliding his fingers under that blouse...

He wondered if he was still on time to pull that off. Lily's doe eyes were so innocent and vulnerable, and she was so forgiving and compassionate, so eager to believe the best of people, that she would probably fall for it if Severus was convincing enough.

But no. He didn't want a lie that would end as soon as she saw through it. He wanted it to be real, to be truly accepted by her, to not have to fear being abandoned for doing what he needed to do. And besides, if he deceived her the entire summer and went back to publicly ignore her the moment they returned to Hogwarts, her fury would shake half of Scotland and she probably would make sure everyone knew about his villainy. He couldn't risk that.

"Severus..." whispered that damned, sweet voice that made everything resonate inside him. It was worse now that he had tasted her mouth and felt the vibrations of her throat directly with his tongue.

"Just go, Lily," he growled closing his eyes and rubbing his face in frustration, wishing his temptress away. "Leave me alone."

He kept his eyes shut and his face half-hidden behind his fingers for a long moment, fighting the urge to snatch her up and kiss her whether she wanted or not. He half-hoped she would refuse to go, that she would close the distance between them and kiss him, and so he was bitterly disappointed when he looked up to see her walking away. Soon she had rejoined her parents and followed them out of the station without a single glance back.

"Severus?"

Another familiar voice startled him out of his misery, and he mentally kicked himself for having lowered his guard and allowed an enemy to creep up on him unnoticed. Lupin was standing far too close for comfort, and while he didn't seem hostile Severus was very aware that he couldn't use magic to defend himself here.

He cast a quick glance around to make sure that there weren't any other Marauders positioned for an ambush. It looked like Lupin was alone, but just in case Severus stood up and adopted a stance more apt for fight or flight.

"If you're here to avenge your so-called friends," he sneered, "I regret to inform you that I had nothing to do with that."

"I know you technically didn't do anything," said Lupin, casually shoving his hands in his pockets. Severus wasn't sure if his relaxed posture was a sign of naive trustfulness or a calculated attempt to appear non-threatening and avoid aggression. Most of the time the werewolf seemed a weak fool to him, but he knew he was intelligent, and attaching himself to everyone's favourite bullies was actually a very Slytherin move. "James and Sirius blame you, though, so you might want to be careful next term. I'm guessing they will try to get you alone, and I won't always be around to stop them."

Severus snorted derisively.

"As if you have ever done anything to stop them," he said with contempt. "You've actually sent everyone the message that standing aside and watch is the thing to do."

He felt certain satisfaction mixed with annoyance when he saw that Lupin looked abashed. It really was absurd and infuriating how pathetic the bloody werewolf was in human form.

"I intend to change that," said Lupin, something like fierce resolution briefly burning in his eyes. Severus didn't have time to wonder if the weakling might be finally growing a backbone before he seemed to deflate, though. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "I know that it doesn't change what happened, Severus, but I'm truly sorry for not intervening that day by the lake, or any of the other times you were bullied right in front of me. I can barely live with the shame. I'm sorry too for what you went through because of my condition, I-"

"Spare me," cut him off Severus harshly. "I'm not interested in anything you have to say."

Lupin took a deep breath.

"I'm trying to apologize, Severus."

"Apologies don't fix anything," he spat.

He didn't want anyone to apologize, nor to be sorry for him. He wanted to make them sorry for everything they had done or not done, and his revenge wouldn't be satisfying enough if they were already sorry. The damned werewolf was almost making Severus feel sorry for him, affecting the intensity of his hatred, and that made him furious.

"I know," said Lupin calmly. "I just needed to say it."

"Well, you have already said it," said Severus with annoyance. At least he could count with Potter and Black never apologizing, and with himself never falling for any show of remorse from their part. Not that Lupin's remorse meant anything if he stuck with those idiots, of course, and Severus seriously doubted he would ever gather the nerve to stand up to them. "Don't you have a pack to go back to?"

Lupin had the gall to seem amused at that. Although he got serious again under Severus' glare.

"My mother is over there," he said indicating with his head in the direction of a Muggle café. "She doesn't like Apparating, so we're going to take a taxi to the Leaky Cauldron and take the Floo from there. I was actually going to ask you if you needed help getting home. I don't know where you live, but-"

"I don't need help!" snarled Severus, internally cursing his mother for delaying so long. "I would appreciate it if you stopped bothering me, though."

Lupin nodded, but he still didn't go away. What the hell did he want from Severus? Could he be deluded enough as to think his apology would be accepted? Was he hoping to be forgiven? As if Severus was ever going to forgive anyone!

"Lily loves you," said the werewolf suddenly.

Severus froze.

There was something in Lupin's eyes that told him he wasn't just speculating. That he knew what had transpired between him and Lily. Had he seen them? Had Lily told someone? Was it common knowledge amongst the Gryffindors? How long until everyone else heard about it? Severus didn't think he would survive if all those who were now protecting him turned against him because he had tried to fool them. And it would be really unfair if he lost his new position in Slytherin after having lost Lily for it!

"She's hurting, Severus," continued Lupin. "She thinks you hate her. I don't think you do, but you're not acting as if you loved her either."

"Who else knows?" demanded Severus, his heart racing.

Lupin frowned, his disapproval as plain as McGonagall's when no one got the right answer to a question.

"That's all you care about?" he asked in a hard tone. "You broke her heart, and your only worry is who knows about it?"

"You don't understand anything, Lupin," growled Severus. Who the hell did he think he was to have an opinion on this? "Just tell me who knows."

"Only I know," said the werewolf coldly, making Severus instantly relax. "And before you threaten me into silence, I assure you there is no need. You and Lily are both keeping my secret, it would be highly hypocritical of me if I weren't willing to keep yours."

Severus relaxed further. It was true, Lupin couldn't expose Severus' secret without risking Severus exposing his in retaliation. He must not have told even his friends, else Potter would have already done or said something about it by now.

He slumped down on the bench again, Lupin's words slowly beginning to sink in.

Lily loves you.

She's hurting.

She thinks you hate her.

You broke her heart.

The statement about Severus hating her was simply absurd, and the others... the others sounded wrong. Severus was hurting. She had broken his heart. And Lily... Lily didn't really love him.

Or did she?

Severus wanted to believe she did, but if she truly loved him she would be with him. She would understand and accept him, and stay by his side no matter what.

"How do you know about... us?" he reluctantly asked after a long moment.

The mere idea that Lily might have spoken to someone about their private matters enraged him, and to see Lupin standing there with a knowing look on his annoying face, as if he knew more about this than Severus, made him want to punch the stupid werewolf.

As if he wasn't tense enough, Lupin slowly moved to sit next to him on the bench. Severus stiffened, the hairs on his arms standing on end at the close proximity of a creature of nightmares, but he didn't want to seem scared so he didn't move away.

"I was still in the Common Room when Lily returned the other night. She was... distraught," said Lupin slowly. "She couldn't stop crying. It worried me to see her like that, so I asked her what had happened."

Severus felt as if he had been kicked in the gut. Lily had cried for him that night. While he had been punching walls and blasting suits of armour —earning himself a detention and a trip to the Infirmary— she had been crying. A lot, by the sound of it.

Conflicting feelings warred inside him. He had always hated it when Lily cried, the sight of her teary eyes making his heart hurt as if a bear trap had closed around it, but it gave him some twisted satisfaction to imagine her crying now. It was only fair that she should suffer for giving him hope and then crush him, after all. And it made his own pain a little more bearable to know that she had not been indifferent to their break-up, as he had assumed.

"She said that you hated her for not supporting you," continued Lupin. "But you can't seriously expect Lily to support what you're doing, Severus. She's Muggle-born."

"I don't see how this is any of your business," said Severus with irritation.

"Maybe it isn't. But Lily is a good person, and you're hurting her. And I'm concerned about you too, Severus. You're getting involved with dangerous people, I don't know if you realize-"

"You're hardly in a position to judge others for the company they keep, Lupin," drawled Severus. "In fact, if anyone should understand why someone would choose to hang out with a pair of nasty bastards, it should be you."

Lupin sighed.

"It's not the same, Severus..."

"Why? Because your nasty bastards are Gryffindors and supposedly on the 'right side'?"

"Well, for one, neither James nor Sirius would attack someone because of their blood..."

Severus scoffed.

"They do attack people just because they exist," he spat, "how is that any better? And what do you think they would do to you, their friend, if they heard you have been talking with me? If they knew you're offering apologies, help to get home, romantic advice to a filthy Slytherin?" Severus shook his head to himself, disgusted by how friendly this interaction sounded when put that way. "I would guess things would get rather difficult in your dormitory. Potter and Black no doubt would label you as a traitor, turn your entire House against you, maybe disclosure your little secret... You wouldn't feel so safe and accepted anymore, would you?"

Lupin didn't answer, and Severus felt somewhat unsettled by the silence. He knew he was right, but he hadn't expected the werewolf to concede.

"Lily is for most Slytherins what I am for most Gryffindors," he added after a pause, "which is why I can't be seen with her. She refuses to understand that."

Lupin sighed again.

"I get your point, Severus," he said. "And I think Lily could understand too. She asked me to keep the secret for you, you know? To protect you."

Severus raised an eyebrow. He had assumed that Lily had kept it quiet because she didn't want anyone to know that she had kissed him. Even though she had challenged him to be with her in public it was hard to believe that she could want to be seen with someone so ugly and unpopular.

"I don't think it's the secrecy what really bothers her," continued Lupin, "although it plainly hurts her to be treated like scum by you. If she could be sure that it's just a pretence..."

"It is!" exclaimed Severus with exasperation. "How can she believe otherwise after I almost fucked her into a wall? I wouldn't do that with someone I truly considered filth!"

His outburst earned him several scandalized looks from passing Muggles and it made Lupin blush. It didn't seem as if the 'almost' had registered, and Severus figured that was good. If the werewolf decided to tell his friends about him and Lily, it would be better if Potter thought that he had taken her maidenhead, hopefully making the jerk lose interest in her. Severus certainly would be put off by the idea of Potter having been inside her first...

He felt sick when full realization of what breaking up meant suddenly hit him. Severus had worried for years about the possibility of Lily starting to date someone —particularly Potter—, but he hadn't thought about that since he had kissed her two weeks ago, even though she had said something about moving on when she had broken it off.

If they were no longer together —not that they had truly been together, seeing as they had kissed only once—, that meant that Lily was free to date anyone else whenever she wanted. Severus doubted Potter had the slightest chance —she really hated the asshole—, but there would be someone eventually.

The thought was simply unbearable.

"What I meant to say," said Lupin uncomfortably, "was that Lily is concerned about the 'dark stuff' you seem interested in. If she thought that is just a pretence... But it's not, is it?"

Severus ran his hands through his greasy hair, annoyed. Was he really discussing this with a bloody Marauder? He had almost forgotten that he was sitting next to an enemy and a werewolf while they talked. Remembering now, and not wanting to get into that argument with a Gryffindor he couldn't trust, Severus stood up.

"None of this is any of your business, Lupin," he said coldly. "Lily shouldn't have told you anything. Now stop pestering me, and keep your mouth shut!"

Lupin sighed and climbed to his feet too.

"She loves you, Severus," he repeated, his eyes earnest. "She wants you to choose her over all that stuff. And you would be an idiot if you didn't. If you truly love her-"

"If you don't get out of my sight in the next thirty seconds you will find out how it feels to face a full moon with all your bones lined in silver," threatened Severus, his wandless hand itching with the urge to curse the meddling werewolf.

Lupin knew that Severus would not risk magic out here, but judging by the sudden horror in his eyes the prospect of silver bones was terrifying enough as to not be willing to risk it either. The last look he directed to Severus before walking away wasn't fearful, though, just sad.

Severus stood there watching the werewolf as he made his way to the Muggle café and retrieved a woman that must be his mother. Once they were gone he sat back on the bench and buried his face on his hands.

The conversation with Lupin had left him feeling as if the last week had not happened and Lily had just broken up with him. Although he didn't feel exactly the same than he had felt that night. The anger was gone, and without it Severus had no shield against all the other emotions that plagued him. He wished he had made progress with that book on Occlumency that Wilkes had lent him, since some of the applications described for that branch of mind magic had sounded like something he could really use right now, but he had barely started reading about it, he had no idea how to clear his mind yet and any attempt only seemed to aggravate the chaos.

Lily's sad eyes were everywhere inside his head. Her stricken face when he had called her a Mudblood. He could hear her whisper that she loved him too, and in the next second tell him that they should forget it ever happened. Lupin assuring him that Lily loved him, telling him that she had cried for him, that she wanted him to choose her... It sounded as if it wasn't too late to get her back. The wolf had even said that she might be able to understand and agree to a secret affair...

He shouldn't have given up so easily that night. He should have stayed and kept working on convincing her by any means necessary, starting by kissing her again. Perhaps if Severus had explained himself better...

He shook his head bitterly. No. Lily had been very clear. She had stepped away from him, and she had said she wouldn't support him nor be with him as long as he kept hanging out with 'all those Slytherin creeps' and practicing Dark Magic. Unless Severus was prepared to lie to her and tell her it was all part of the pretence, as Lupin had inadvertently suggested, they were in stalemate.

And as much as Severus wanted Lily, he just wasn't willing to settle with a lie. He wanted her to truly love him, and it wasn't true love if she demanded him to change and give up on his goals and ambitions.

His anguish was giving way to frustration, and frustration to anger. Lily should know how much he needed this! She had known him since they were children, she knew how awful Severus' life was, how little support he had from his family, how slim his chances were of rising over his circumstances without any advantage —which was what social connections and Dark Magic were. And she knew how alone he was, how much he needed the support...

Just as quick as it had come, the anger was gone again, and Severus was left feeling drained and utterly miserable.

And abandoned.

He straightened up and looked around. People walked past him on their way to or from platforms nine or ten without paying attention to anything around them. A Muggle guard standing some distance away was watching him with suspicion, as if he thought him an incurable criminal plotting something nasty, but Severus ignored the man even though being looked that way made him want to plot something nasty.

It had been almost an hour since the Hogwarts Express had pulled into Platform Nine and Three Quarters, and there was still no sign of Eileen Snape. Severus wanted to believe that she was just delayed, but he was beginning to fear that she might not be coming at all. Could she be so depressed that she had forgotten what day it was? Severus didn't really need her to come pick him up, but it had always been a sort of tradition between them, one of the few occasions when he felt his mother was proud of having a magical son. He knew most of the time she wished he had been born a Squib, since that way she wouldn't have had to confess that she was a witch and she could have lived forever happily with a Muggle husband that didn't hate her.

Severus was starting to regret having rejected Lily's offer for a ride. Not only travelling by car was the fastest Muggle way to get to Cokeworth, he really wanted her close right now even if it was just as a friend. He missed her, and pathetic as it was he would have given anything just to hold her hand at this moment. Or to be hugged. Just her proximity would have been a comfort.

Swallowing a lump in his throat, Severus finally gave up waiting and began dragging his trunk towards one of the exits. He didn't have enough Sickles to pay for the Knight Bus, but he was pretty sure he had enough Muggle money to cover a few regular buses.

Some time later, while he watched the city pass through the window of a bus, it occurred to Severus that something might have happened to his mum. Maybe she was sick. Maybe that bastard had hurt her worse than usual and she couldn't move. Maybe he had killed her months ago and no one had known how to notify her son.

It was a very long trip. Severus was cold, and hungry, and filled with dread of what he might find when he got home.

And what he found was worse than the worst scenario he had imagined.