After listening to Beck and Jade's conversation earlier in the day, Tori decides not to eat her lunch at the table with the rest of her friends. She's still feeling really bad about the whole thing and she doesn't think that she's ready to face the two of them yet. It doesn't really matter that neither of them know that she heard everything they said to each other
What matters is that Tori did hear everything and to see them probably be as close as ever at lunch and not be surprised would probably set alarm bells off in Jade's head. That girl is unnaturally observant and Tori wouldn't know how to explain why she isn't shocked that the two of them are back on good terms. Everyone would probably know she was lying because as she's been told many times, she's a terrible liar.
Tori decides to skip that part of her day and eats her lunch in the empty black box theater instead. Tori decides that she'll more than likely eat lunch with them tomorrow but today she needs time to come up with an excuse if anyone suspects anything.
She nearly has a heart attack when the door to the black box theater opens about ten minutes after she'd come in. Her first thought is the worst one. Tori assumes that the person walking in is Jade and that Jade knows that she was listening in on her very private conversation with Beck. It makes her panic in the same way that she panics when she knows Jade is angry and she needs to run fast and far to save herself.
Her palms start to sweat and her heart pounds in her ears when she hears footsteps coming closer and closer to her. She's so lost in her thoughts about what Jade is going to do to her that she doesn't notice the footsteps aren't those of Jade's boots.
"Hey Tori," André calls when he's about a foot away from her. He's staring at her when she shrieks in surprise. He didn't see her right away when he opened the door but after looking a little harder around the room he spotted his friend in the corner. Tori looked like she was thinking deeply about something so André isn't shocked Tori didn't see him coming in.
"André!" she says as she stands up from the floor and lightly hits him on the shoulder. "You could have told me that it was you." Tori puts her hand over the left side of her chest. Trying to calm her frantically beating heart she says, "you scared me half to death."
"What are you hiding in here for?" André asks smoothly. He's smiling for some reason that's unknown to Tori. It's a wider grin than he normally wears and the feeling that André might know something that she doesn't makes her feel nervous in the bottom of her stomach.
Tori decides to play coy. André doesn't need to know that she was indeed hiding. "I'm not sure what you mean," Tori replies. She isn't going to outright admit to hiding in the black box even though that's exactly what she's doing. Admitting to hiding in here during lunch would automatically make André wonder why she was here.
Questions like why she's here and who she's avoiding are not questions she wants to be asked. Explaining herself isn't going to go well, even though she knows André wouldn't judge her. She's not ready to talk about it yet because Jade and Beck are his friends too.
"Okay," he replies easily. "If you don't want to talk about why you're here or who you must be trying to avoid by not going to lunch, that's fine." He sits down next to where Tori was sitting and Tori follows suit before André can pat the spot next to him.
Tori sighs deeply and runs her hand through her hair. She turns to him and frowns. "It's not that I don't want to talk about it." André gives her a disbelieving look. "Okay, I don't necessarily want to talk about it. However, that's mostly because even if I did talk about it I wouldn't know where to start."
André gives her a small smile of encouragement. "How about you start with why you're here?" he asks softly.
Tori nods quickly. She thinks about her words for a few seconds before just being as honest as possible. "I did a bad thing. Something I feel really guilty about and I wasn't ready to face Beck or Jade because of it."
André's eyebrows furrow and his forehead crinkles. "What was the bad thing that you did? I'm sure Jade and Beck would be understanding about whatever it was that happened." He thinks for a beat before adding, "at least Beck would be. Jade can be pretty unpredictable."
Tori rolls her eyes, "thanks for the reassurance."
André doesn't take the comment too seriously. He can see the stress in his best friend's face. Her eyes are wide and her fingers are tapping rapidly on her leg. The only outward signs that indicate the nerves Tori must be feeling on the inside about whatever it was that she did.
Tori turns her body to face André and André turns to face her. The two of them are sitting across each other with their legs crossed. "I got to school early this morning 'cause Trina needed to be here to practice for this class thing they're doing."
"Yeah," André prompts her to continue speaking. He's really interested to hear about what's gotten Tori all nervous like this. He doesn't think Tori couldn't have done anything so bad that she had to hide from Jade again, but he still listens carefully to what Tori has to say.
Tori replays the moment in her head a few times. She wouldn't even be in this situation if she'd willed herself to leave before she heard anything personal they said to each other. Tori doesn't do well with guilt and she knows this will probably eat at her. "I went to my locker and grabbed my books when I heard Jade's voice. I couldn't quite figure out what she was saying at first but it sounded like she was talking to someone. However, I knew she wasn't talking to me because I couldn't see her yet. She turned around the corner closet to her locker and it turned out I was right about her talking to someone else. She was looking in the direction she came from but because of the angle I couldn't see the other person from where I was."
André quickly picks up on the story that Tori is telling. "I'm assuming that Jade was talking to Beck?"
Tori hums to tell him that he guessed right. "She was," Tori confirms. "Without realising it, I'd started listening in on their conversation. A conversation that was definitely supposed to be private and just between them."
Based on André's reaction to her saying all of that she knows what he's going to say before he says it. Though, the words never come out of his mouth. He's staring intensely at her and she realises that he's waiting for her to finish. Tori figures he must be able to tell that there's more to the story than what she's said so far. She really appreciates that.
This is the part of the story that brings Tori the most shame when looking back on it though. Tori rubs her sweaty hands on her jeans. "When I went to leave and let them have their conversation in private like they thought that they were already doing to begin with, Beck mentioned my name and I was so curious about why he was bringing me up in his conversation with Jade that I stayed and heard everything they said. When they were done talking, I left my hiding spot as quietly as possible and I got the heck out of there so neither of them would see me and know what I'd done."
André's face changes and she wonders what he must be thinking. "Oh man. I can understand why you're hiding out here in the black box but hiding from Jade and Beck isn't going to solve anything. Not to mention running away from your problems won't make them go away."
Tori turns her body back against the wall and leans her head on it. "I know it isn't but I needed some time to figure out how to approach them about it. I knew that if I went to lunch and I wasn't surprised by Jade and Beck not having a strained relationship anymore, Jade would notice."
André nods in agreement. "Jade is very observant. It's kind of a hidden skill but she picks up quickly on energy. You wouldn't even be able to lie your way out of it if Jade confronted you about why you were being nervous or weird because you have no poker face. It also doesn't help that you're a terrible liar."
Tori groans. "Ugh, I know," Tori mumbles to herself.
The rest of lunch André and Tori sit next to each other in comfortable silence. Tori spends most of her time thinking about how she's going to move forward with coming clean to Beck and Jade. André, on the other hand, eats his lunch, plays some music from his phone and texts a little back and forth with Cat. They haven't set a concrete day or time for their first date yet but both of them are really looking forward to it whenever it comes.
After the lunch bell rings to signal the end of lunch, Beck, Robbie and Car stand up. Cat has already got rid of her garbage but the boys walk off ahead of her to throw out their trash. Normally Beck would have waited for Jade before walking off but they aren't dating anymore and Jade is taking her time.
Cat lingers around, looking at students passing by as she waits for Jade even long after the boys have left. Cat wants to have a conversation with her best friend and now is the perfect opportunity for her and Jade.
Cat has been meaning to ask Jade about Tori for awhile but she never got around to it and now seems like the best chance she has to get some answers from Jade.
"Jade," Cat calls happily. Jade has no idea what she wants to talk about but she hopes that Jade is willing to listen to her about this.
Jade looks up at Cat from her seat at the table before standing and looking back at her best friend. "Cat," Jade says in response.
"I wanted to talk to you," Cat tells her after talking around the table to stand in front of Jade.
Jade's eyes narrow in suspicion. "What do you want to talk about?" She asks carefully.
Cat shrugs nonchalantly. "I want to talk to you about Tori."
Automatically Jade is objecting to the topic of conversation without giving it a real chance. "No," Jade says sharply.
Cat isn't giving up on talking about it that easily though. She knew Jade would try and resist having this conversation so she was prepared for that. "C'mon" Cat says. "You and Tori would be so cute together!" Cat exclaims excitedly once she and Jade are completely alone.
Jade rolls her eyes at the redhead. "It's not about if we'd be cute together or not." Jade shrugs her shoulders and lowers her voice slightly. "You know I'm not ready for this Cat. I don't know why we're even talking about this."
"Jade," Cat gives her this look that tells Jade she's unimpressed with her attitude. "You're my best friend and I know that you like her."
"So what if I do?" Jade asks rebelliously. Jade doesn't really see what relevance her feelings for Tori have to do with the conversation she's having with Cat.
Cat puts her hand on her hip and raises an eyebrow at her in a silent question. "Why don't you do something about it? It's painful to watch the way you look longingly at her. Not to mention the fact that she looks at you the same way and neither of you are making any moves on the other."
Jade ignores the last part of what Cat said because she doesn't even want to open that can of worms right now. She doesn't know if she can handle going into all of that at this particular moment in time. "Cat, Beck is still in love with me."
Cat frowns. She knows that. Of course she knows that. Jade and Beck breaking up doesn't mean that the love they shared for each other is suddenly gone like the wind but she doesn't think that Jade should have to wait forever until Beck moves on to move on with her own life. "I know that but you and Beck are friends now and it's clear that regardless of if you like it or not, you have romantic feelings for Tori. No amount of denial or trying to explain it away will change the facts. Those feelings are real and they won't just go away overnight."
Cat isn't expecting the reaction she gets from Jade. Jade starts to cry and Cat instantly wants to wrap her up in a hug. "What am I supposed to do? If I keep my feelings in I'm hurting and lying to myself but if I say something to Tori about my feelings I hurt Beck."
Cat knows that Jade doesn't really like being touched so she refrains from hugging her but her heart still aches for her best friend because of the obvious pain she's in right now. "If I don't tell Tori, my mixed signals will confuse her even more than she might already be and that will hurt our relationship that we've worked so hard for. Each option sucks and I don't want to hurt anyone."
Jade can feel her heart constricting in her chest at the thoughts in her mind. Whatever decision she makes she knows that someone will end up hurt and she can't change that.
Cat puts her hand on Jade's shoulder and Jade lets her. "I know you don't want to hurt anyone but is the reason you aren't willing to do something about your feelings for Tori really about Beck?"
Jade raises an eyebrow at her. "What are you getting at?" Cat's train of thought can be hard to follow sometimes so Jade wants to make sure she knows exactly what Cat is talking about.
Cat approaches her theory of why Jade won't tell Tori about her feelings slowly. She doesn't want to upset Jade if she hurts a nerve. "When you think about why you haven't said anything about your feelings, is the first thing that comes to mind hurting Beck? Or is it about the fact that you could end up hurt if you put yourself back out there."
"I'm not scared of being hurt again," it's a lie and she and Cat both know it is. Jade doesn't know why she says it when it's not true but she felt like she needed to. So she did.
"Look, I know it's hard for you to open up. Especially about your feelings but you can't hold onto this forever and not expect it to take some kind of toll on you. Breaking up with Beck really hurt you. You didn't tell me that directly but you didn't need to. This thing with Tori, isn't it worth taking the risk of it means you could be happy?" Cat really hopes Jade says yes because her best friend has been through so much and it would be a nice change if the other girl was happy.
Jade doesn't answer and it makes Cat feel sad. Cat continues anyways. "I want you to be happy. Right now, you aren't happy. I'm not saying that dating someone is what's going to make you happy but I see the look in your eyes when you spend time with her. You smile more and you look more relaxed in being yourself. If fear of rejection is the reason you're being held back, let it go."
Jade feels exposed because her best friend is basically reading her mind and it's kind of scary. Jade crosses her arms over her chest to feel more protected. "That's easier said than done," Jade mumbles quietly.
Cat nods sadly. "Yeah, that's true but if you put yourself out there then you wouldn't have to wonder what would happen if you did."
"What if…" Jade says quietly. Cat looks curiously at her and Jade knows that there's no judgement behind Cat's eyes. Jade says it again. "What if I tell her how I feel and she realises she doesn't like the real me?"
Cat places both of her hands on Jade's shoulders. "I know Tori would like the real you," Cat replies softly. "However, if she didn't…at least you would know that it didn't work out between you two for a reason that you couldn't change. Nor should you for that matter and you could move on. It would be hard to do but you wouldn't be sitting around wondering "what if." If Tori didn't like you for who you really are, there's lots of guys or girls who would. You don't need to tell Tori just because I think you should. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make but Jade… think about it. Really think about it. This could end up being one of the best decisions you've ever made."
Jade gives Cat a sombre look, "and if it turns out to be one of the worst decisions I've ever made?" Jade asks.
Cat drops her hands from Jade's shoulders. "If it goes badly with Tori then you'll still have me. You'll always have me and we'll figure out how to get through it together." Cat pulls Jade in for a hug. "Not making a decision is a decision," she whispers. "The only difference between the two is that not doing anything about it won't give you any definite results. Whether that's good or bad and it could end up being a really big regret if you don't find out which of the two is it. You can't live in fear of bad things happening because they could still happen and you could be missing out on something that goes well."
Jade let's all of Cat's words and advice on the subject sink into her mind. Cat made some really good points for her to consider when it comes to making a decision about telling Tori about her feelings. "I'll think about it," Jade promises simply.
Cat pulls out of the hug with Jade and grabs her hand. Cat smiles and Jade lets Cat pull her along to the entrance of Hollywood Arts. Jade doesn't complain or even put up a fight when Cat is still holding her hand while leading them towards their shared class.
/
Leave a review (: