Authors Notes: Thank you all once again for the reviews, they are the highlights of my fan crazed side! Hehe, well, this chapter takes on a more depressing tone towards the end. And yes, everything I write is essential in this chapter. It may not seem so at first but if you're an Envy fan, there's stuff in here that you might want to know in the future XD, it's important in this story too of course. R+R is appreciated, loved and honored, (bows to reviewers in brain washed manner).

Lover or Blood

Chapter five: Ponder

I awoke the next morning to the sounds of Rheena and Tualga getting dressed and ready for the day. I peered over my shoulder expecting to look out a window, but soon remembered that there were none here in the castle. Sighing I stood up and went for my chest of clothes.

"Good morning miss Lynn. Sleep well? I was just about to wake you." Tualga said as I pulled out a dark brown button up shirt. "Yes I slept fine, thank you." I murmured quietly. Speaking and I never seem to mix well together, especially in the morning. My voice is always hoarse when I first wake up, I think it's from lack of usage though.

One day I may just wake up a mute. But that's not that bad, it would give me a reason to stay forever quiet.

"Well that's good to know, but you had better get ready now. We need to be off soon." I nodded and once again, quickly changed letting out several loud yawns as I tied my hair back into a ponytail. But to my surprise I was the first one dressed. I sat there quietly on my bed, my hands in my lap, and allowed myself to gradually wake up.

It's rather hard to do though with the castle being so dark. I don't know how Rheena and Tualga stand it.

xxxx

"What time is it?" I whispered to Rheena as we made our way down the corridor. The entire castle was quiet, and when we passed some bedrooms I could have sworn I heard snoring. "About seven." she replied while adjusting the strap of her cleaning satchel.

"Why is everyone still asleep then?" I asked this time turning toward Tualga. "Because their tired Lynn, they've been working hard all day." furrowing my brow I looked up at her in disbelieve, "It's seven in the evening miss Lynn. We've been working the nightshift. I could have sworn I told you that."

That had explained why I had been so tired yesterday and today. Even though I could not see the sun my body knew it was late and that I should have been asleep. "Why-?" I began but quickly stopped. I guess that the Count likes to monitor us while we work, and instead of him staying awake he has us work at night.

I wish I had that kind of power. Then again…no I don't, I'm not sure I could handle all that responsibility.

xxxx

When we entered the Counts manner, I was holding my bag of cleaning supplies for dear life. I think I will forever dread coming into his manor whether I fear him or not. It was the first place I ever met an angry vampire or thought I was going to have my head removed.

That's not something you can easily forget.

I was biting my lip nervously as I looked toward Rheena. She seemed calm, but looked a bit more professional, her usual wide smile was nowhere to be seen, and both her and Tualga were as silent as the grave. "Just try not to be noisy, he doesn't like to be disturbed."

Tualga gave me a reassuring pat on the back and we set out to work. She was quiet, but not as stony faced as me and Rheena. It must have been because she worked here longer and knew the place better.

I swallowed hard and kept as close to Tualga as possible, she was the calmest of the two and I think its safe to say that even Rheena is more than just a bit nervous.

xxxx

The three of us quickly set off to the first spare room and quietly began to work. The silence though soon became comfortable for me. I just focused on stripping the beds and changing the sheets as if it was my only purpose in life. I found myself thinking a lot to as I worked, constantly thinking and reminiscing.

"Wow, great job Lynn." Tualga said as she walked over to me. At first I didn't know what she had been talking about. She barley spoke above a whisper anyway so I quirked my brow and looked to what she was pointing at.

It was the corner of the room that I was to clean. I had been so lost in thought and working almost numbly that I did not realize the good job I was doing. Looking up to meet her smile I gave a shrug "It comes naturally I suppose."

"Well that's good then. Hey, why don't you go into the next room over and clean that one up to?" she asked as she gestured to the door, "Rheena can finish this one and I'll do the library. Your more than capable to clean a room on your lonesome and it will kill time. We'll be done in a jiffy." she gave me her familiar reassuring smile and sent me off.

I walked the corridor to the other spare bedroom right by the one Rheena was working in. I pushed open the door and peeked into the blackness. I quickly repeated the same process that Tualga had done in the previous accommodations.

At a rather quick speed I went into my satchel and pulled out a small flint box and lit the several candles that lined the tables and dressers. But even with every wick aflame, the room was still considerably dark. Once that was done I reached into my bag and grouped inside until I found a rag and began to work.

Besides biting my lip I have another bad habit, and it's humming. On several occasions I caught myself just before I began to do it. Back in Anvil my family used to call me humming bird. I was always so quiet and never really spoke to them, the only time they would hear me make a peep was when I was working.

So it was hard to keep from doing it as it came to me as natural as breathing. But the silence was nice and I would rather not have it disturbed. Moreover I wouldn't dare to, the Count is the one in charge and if he says be quiet than I wont make a sound.

I am quite found of my head.

xxxx

Weeks passed as days seemed to fly by within castle Skingrad, though I was never sure of the precise time. The castle had clocks but they only gave the hour and did not read whether it was day or night. I spent all of my time with Rheena and Tualga, and though I could not fully speak to them freely I had never been so close to anyone as I had become with them.

Is 'friend' the proper vernacular or is that to strong a word?

The three of us got along well enough, you would think that three different generations of woman would have some problems. Tualga and Rheena would still bicker every now and then but it was more like sisterly squabbles than actual controversy, and to be honest whatever they fought about was amusing.

Being a willing slave wasn't so bad when you got used to it. Sure I could never set foot outside again and see the sun but at least I had a bed, bathed regularly, and ate. And Gods blood, I don't look like a skeleton anymore!

I was overjoyed when looking in a mirror and saw a healthy girl staring back at me. No longer did my every rib show or did it fatigue me to simply stand. My face wasn't as sunken in any longer and the large bags under my eyes had begun to vanish.

My features had certainly filled out more and I am ever so grateful. You could also tell now that I am indeed a female now because though I had gained back weight some of it resided mainly in the chest area.

Sadly being lean and busty runs in the family, I blame my mother.

Now I am not entirely sure how long I have been in the castle, I wouldn't say anymore than two to three months though, I have yet to be excepted by the stewardess. She still looks down on me and lectures me constantly. But I would never say a word against her, I believe she has every right to judge me.

Her loyalty to the castle and it's occupants is astounding. It's quite understandable, for she assesses me but only out of a motherly like instinct to protect the staff.

Honestly she reminds me of a mother hen.

The schedule that I am to follow still has yet to change. I am to go along route with Rheena and Tualga. Every week it's the same routine; clean the castle, clean the castle, and clean the castle. Only on Fredas does it alter slightly. That is when we tackle the Counts manor.

I believe Tualga was right when she said that he gets it nice and filthy just for us to work our fingers off. Each time the filth seems worse, can mages conjure dust?

xxxx

The castle had gotten much colder since I have arrived, I believe Heartfire is approaching. I love Autumn, Its so sad that I cant watch the leaves change or breath in the crisp fall air. "At least I can breath though." I mentally reminded myself that every time I started to feel self pity. I'm still breathing so I shouldn't complain.

Tualga and I were heading off to the Counts quarters, seeing as it was our weekly ritual, but this time we weren't accompanied by Rheena. She has been getting sick a lot lately, Tualga think she's eating to much, I have almost all her clothes now because she cant fit them.

I'm not foolish though, it's far too obvious she's with child. I have been around to many pregnant woman in my lifetime to think otherwise. She knows it too, but for some reason she wont tell Tualga, maybe she wants to surprise her.

Anyway, whatever the case may be, Tualga and I were entering the Counts manor and went straight to work. I mainly kept to myself, Its not as scary as it used to be when wandering the Counts halls alone. I have even seen him on several occasions but he never acknowledges me, nor I him. He keeps mainly to himself as well.

It's how he is supposed to treat his maids I suppose, like we're invisible.

We spent hours cleaning the large accommodations, each of us working our own separate area's. Whatever I was sent to do though I seemed to finish first. Cleaning came naturally for me and was by nature a way for me to relax besides humming or reading.

Each time I finished a room I would search for Tualga and she would send me to another one. I didn't complain as she usually gave Rheena the same treatment. Around what I would guess was three in the morning I had finished the last spare room and set of once more to see Tualga.

I wiped my brow off with back of my hand and pushed the door open but before I even stepped foot in the hall I froze. I could hear talking, small snippets of conversation. Wringing my hands I further backed into the room and made myself look busy, it's not polite to eavesdrop and standing still makes it more tempting.

Though I could not hear what they were saying I knew that it was Tualga and Hassildor. Another reason for me to hideaway.

I know I said he isn't as scary before, but if I can avoid seeing him I will.

But soon I could heard footfalls fading away as someone left the manor. I guessed it would have been the Count so I cautiously went over to the door and peeked around it to check if all was 'clear'. No sooner had I craned my neck to look down the hall did I quirk my brow. It certainly was clear, surprisingly so. Not Tualga nor the Count was in sight, but I thought I had only heard one person leave.

I'm not usually one to give into temptation or curiosity of any kind, but this time I couldn't help myself, I needed to find Tualga anyway. I think I could be nosy this once and get away with it.

I have always had a rather quiet step, but this time I made it more so. It wasn't like I was doing anything bad, but I didn't want anyone to see me creeping about.

Not that I was really creeping, just walking around almost silently.

Tualga had been in the Counts study so that's where I was heading. I pushed open the door and peeked inside. It was to dark to tell if she was actually in there but Tualga is not the quietest of people so I only needed to take a small step in the room to quickly dismiss it empty.

I shrugged and turned to leave when I saw the tall dark figure standing by the doorway. I let out a small gasp and could have sworn I jumped three feet into the air.

"What are you doing?" Hassildor asked as he quirked his brow. I placed a hand on my chest in attempt to calm my thumping heart.

He stared down at me expectantly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he almost made me keel over from a heart attack. "D-doing, sir?" I had the hem of my shirt once again and was wringing it nervously. I don't have a stuttering problem, but I do tend to stammer a lot when in conversation.

But then again it could always be the fact that I still had not caught me breath. "Sneaking about my hallways." he stated, brows raising further. "Don't you have things to do girl?" his voice wasn't harsh, but it still made me recoil slightly. "I finished sir, a minute ago. I-I was just looking for Tualga-"

"I sent her to fetch something for me. She wont be back for sometime." The Count said, abruptly cutting me off. I nodded while gnawing on my lip, waiting for him to continue or at least dismiss me. But instead he did neither and posed a question.

"Did you say you were finished?" he asked, somewhat out of the blue. I blinked, "Yes sir." he rubbed his throat and looked at me thoughtfully. "It's not even four yet. How could you be done?"

He wasn't necessarily calling me a liar but all the same the question struck me as odd. I shrugged not really knowing how to properly answer the random inquiry. "I just am sir. We do usually finish up around this time."

"There was only two of you here tonight," he crossed his arms behind his back. "and you still finished on time?" he sounded almost disbelieving, as if me and Tualga had done something unheard of. "Yes sir." It was getting harder to keep from going mute, I felt like I was back in interrogation with him.

"Well then, it seems as though you can handle yourself." he mused aloud. Then he waved his hand and turned to leave. "Your dismissed girl." I quickly left, not out of fear but obedience.

He wanted me gone and I see no reason for me to linger if I am unwanted.

xxxx

I passed Tualga in the hallway, she and Shum the butler were carrying two small crates. We exchanged glances as we passed but none of us spoke. But if I know Tualga as well as I think I do then surely I will find out what was in those crates later on this evening.

I wont pry or even pose the question of course, but she has the habit of gossiping.

xxxx

By the time I had reached the maids quarters I was greeted by the now well Rheena. "Hey Lynn." she said slowly getting to her feet, "Where's Tualga?"

"Getting something for the Count." I said walking over to her. Even though she was older than me I still felt the odd motherly instinct take over. Baby in her belly or not she didn't feel well when she had to wake up and I have helped many sick adults, children, and pregnant woman.

"How have you been feeling?" She pursed her lips and shrugged. "I've just been a bit sick, probably caught some flu, nothing to worry about really it'll pass in a day or two." I tried my best to keep from correcting her.

"More like in a week or two, Rheena."

"Well you should drink lots of water first thing in the morning. Trust me it helps and makes it a lot easier." That was certainly true. My sister, when she was sick in the mornings from the baby's, learned to drink water. It kept her from being ill for long.

She nodded slowly but then began to wring her hands, I had to wonder for a moment if we had temporarily switched roles. "Lynn, could I tell you something, a secret?"

For some reason people have had a tendency to lean on me. They confide in me and tell their deepest secrets. I think it's because I'm so quite, it makes them think I'm easy to talk to and will keep my mouth shut. Their right though, if I hear the words: secret or don't tell a soul, rest assured my lips will be sealed.

Still, it's a bit of a burden to bare. I love to hear what goes on inside peoples heads but at the same time hate it. Sometimes it even gets annoying but I would never say so, and other times I wish that maybe I could talk and have my chance to confide to others.

However this was not the case. I knew exactly what Rheena was about to tell me and felt humbled that she choose to trust me with such sensitive matters. "Of course Rheena." Never do I pry, I wont tell them to; go on or ask what is it, that seems more like forcing them to speak then having them willingly do so.

"I," she began slowly, "you must swear to not speak a word of this to anyone. Not even Tualga." I nodded and spoke slowly, meaningfully.

"I promise."

xxxx

I was right, she was pregnant. Luckily she was okay with it. I tried my best to convince her that having a baby was a wonderful thing but after all that she had just told me…I can see why she may think otherwise.

She's engaged to the stable hand, a young Redguard named Verick. She didn't get into detail but from what I have gathered he is 'friends' with a rather dangerous and secretive group of people. They both fear for the baby's and their future.

I wish I had some advice to give.

Though she was still a bit worried I could tell that getting some of that information off of her chest had helped brighten her mood. She said that so far Verick's business was good and all was well but that he and some of his fellows think some type of conspiracy may be forming.

Since I had no real advice for her I simply told Rheena to keep her mind on the baby and changed the more dangerous topic to a much lighter one, 'have you thought of any names?'.

Young mothers and baby names, a natural distraction and sedative.

xxxx

That night I had lied awake for hours tossing and turning. All this talk of babies brought up memories I wish not to discuss, that I probably would never discuss. But think about? Of course I would, I have a tendency to become lost in thought.

I kept dreaming of my nieces, my nephews, and my little brother. I missed them all so much and they are the only reason why I would ever look toward the west. I had raised them since they were born, my mother and sister leaving me for weeks at a time to do so.

But I was so young, only fifteen. I had to escape it all, to leave them under the care of their birth mothers. I know their all fine, and being taken care of. But five years is a very long time, I have to wonder what they all look like now, how tall they've become, is their hair still curly, eyes still blue?

Do they even remember their other mommy Abigale?

I could feel hot prickling tears form in my eyes. I rolled over and hugged myself, letting tears seep through my closed eyelids and tried to sleep.

Authors Notes: Why do I keep writing segments at the bottom of the PAGE?! No idea. The title seemed pretty pointless huh? No one was really 'pondering' anything, right? WRONG. (caps lock curse, Blame red marionette) hehe. The next chapter will be the first time we enter third person for a brief moment and get to see what Mr. Hassy is thinking! XD I'll explain more though in the next chapter. I have some weird way to break the page and enter into Hassildor's thoughts so you wont get confused with Abigale's. I think waay to much into this…I love it! XD