Pure Heart and Good Intention

Chapter Four

After about an hour, the pain had eased back to a bearable level, at least bearable for Dean. He sat back up with Sam's help, still grunting from soreness.

"Maybe we should do the healing tomorrow so you can rest –" Esperanza suggested.

Dean reached out his hand, trembling with weakness and pain, and touched her arm. She looked at him and saw his ashen face. He gave her a knowing look and she knew. Time was running out for him.

"I think it's now or never," Dean rasped tiredly, but still, with a weak smile on his face.

She nodded her head.

"Then let's do this," she said, "Sam, help me seat him between us."

Sam complied gently, but Dean couldn't hold back his pain-driven jerks, hisses, grunts and moans.

"Dean, are you sure you can do this?" She asked.

"Yeh, yeh, tell me what you need me to do," Dean grimaced, the pain was manageable, but it wasn't leaving, the medication was only helping to keep it just under the surface.

"All you need to do is relax and save your strength. Sam, when I tell you, put your hand on his chest, over his heart. You are his kindred. Your power lies in healing what is damaged in him. Don't remove it until I tell you. I will put my hand on his head. I will be tapping into his spirit center then you and I will hold hands to complete the circle. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"I have to tell you both that there will be pain for all of us because with any healing, there is not only the person being healed, but energy being taken from those who are trying to heal them. We can't break the bond, if we do, Dean could die just from that disconnect alone. There will also be thoughts and emotions exchanged. It's a part of the psychic connection so be prepared for that. Are you both ready?"

"Yes," They chorused as they often did in an eerily connected way.

"Okay, then Sam, put your hand on Dean's chest."

Sam did. Dean then suddenly grabbed his hand and weakly squeezed.

"Sam, remember what I said, no matter what, you go on, you got that?"

"Yeh, I got that."

"And Sam?"

"Yeh?"

"Be good, little brother or I will so haunt your ass."

Sam smiled and no more words needed to be said between them. Esperanza touched Dean's head and placed her thumb on his temple.

"Esperanza," Dean said, "thanks for everything."

"Thank me when we're done," She smiled back.

She and Sam held hands and completed the circle.

"Close your eyes and focus on your fondest memories," She said.

Dean recalled when their mom first brought Sam home from the hospital and let him hold him for the very first time. Their mom had prepared him for his role from the moment she knew she was going to have a baby. She told him that big brothers had to be protectors of little brothers and that he would be the bravest big brother of them all. Remembering her smile, her touch, her trust, those were his fondest childhood memories and he could feel her now, helping them through the healing.

Sam had to reach further forward to remember the good times. For him, they were fewer and farther between because their mom had already died and their father had already begun his crusade to avenge her death. Sam's best memories were with Dean, both as a child and as an adult. The warmth of his big brother's protection came with his first fear. There had been one night when they were all alone. Sam had been 5 years old and Dean just 9, too young to have taken on so much responsibility, but his capability to do the job was evident from the start. With a gun loaded full of salt in his small hands, Dean had shielded Sam and shot a spirit heading towards them. Once it had disintegrated, Dean had taken Sam's hand firmly and rushed them to safety. Sam had never felt unsafe whenever Dean was around from that moment on.

Suddenly there were electrical impulses passing between all three of them. The first to stiffen in pain was Dean and he grunted. More images played across his mind of all the various hunts he'd been on, both with his father and Sam. Emotions were assaulting him as well as the pain that went with them, loss, failure, battle wounds, they all came at him in a rush, like a wind hitting him hard. Then came the voices.

"You, me and dad. I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again."

"But he looked at me different, you know? Which was worse. Not that I blame him. He gave me an order and I didn't listen. I almost got you killed."

"You hate me that much?"

"I know she wanted me to be brave."

"And I do my best to be brave."

Sam felt them too, and his own began to join with Dean's.

"Long as I'm around, nothing bad is gonna happen to you."

"Dean, we are a family. I'd do anything for you, but things will never be the way they were before."

"I don't want them to be. I'm not gonna live this life forever."

"Hey, Dean, you saved my life back here."

"Maybe we can help some others, makes things a little more bearable."

Dean cried out like he had when the demon had cut into him and he arched in pain. Sam felt a shiver of remembrance hit him. He hated seeing Dean in any kind of pain, but that night, with that demon, hearing Dean's cry of agony, it would always give him a chill when he thought of it. He then felt the resistance against his hand and did everything he could to hold it there. He felt the flow of energy go from his body to Dean's and his hand felt warm, but he didn't know if he was giving it or receiving it.

Dean felt their mom's spirit enter him. It was a warm, chicken-soup kind of comfort that only she could give him. In his mind, he saw her smiling at him. She then reached out to touch his face and he found himself leaning into it.

"Dean…" She said.

Dean, hearing her voice again, relaxed at the sound. It had the same timbre it did when he had gotten sick and needed comforting as a child.

"Mom…I'm glad you're here," he said.

"I wouldn't be anywhere else, honey. Hold on, Dean. Don't give up. I know it feels easier to let go, but please hang on."

"I'm trying, mom. I want to for Sam."

"I know you do."

"Mom…" he said, "I miss you."

"I'll always be with you just like I am now. Take my strength, Dean. You take so little and give so much, given up so much for dad, for Sam and you never take anything for yourself. I'm sorry my death took away so much from you," she said.

"Don't be, mom. It's not your fault. I don't have any regrets."

"I know you don't. I love you so much. I'll always love you, don't forget that."

"I never do," he said, "I love you, too."

She disappeared from Dean's mind and into Sam's. She wanted to give her strength to both her sons.

"Sam…"

"Mom…" Sam said as his eyes filled with tears.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"For what?" Sam asked, remembering the same conversation at their home in Kansas, wondering then, what she meant.

"For taking away your childhood, for leaving you alone."

"Don't be, mom. I wasn't alone. I had Dean. I know that more now than ever. I just wish I had known you."

"You did, sweetie. Through Dean, you did know me. He did the best he could to give you the kind of childhood I would have given you. He took care of you. He remembered and showed you so much," she said.

She reached and touched Sam's face as she had Dean's.

"You are a good man, Sam. Don't ever doubt that. You're meant for good things, but only if you keep yourself from falling into self-pity. Dean can't protect you from that. No one can. Don't shut him out. Believe what he's told you. He will never let you down."

"I know, mom."

"I love you, Sammy."

"I love you, too."

Suddenly, her face changed from peaceful to shock.

"Oh, God…" she gasped, "no!"

"What? What is it, mom?"
"Save him, Sam! Please save him!" She said plaintively.

Sam was then ripped from the calm world he was in with his mother back to Esperanza's living room. He opened his eyes, then looked over at Dean. His face was clenched in pain. He then moaned loudly and fell limp, his head lolling down to his chest just like it had 5 months ago and another chill hit Sam, but he quickly pushed it aside. Dean's unconsciousness severed the connection between them.

"No, no, Dean!" Sam cried. "Esperanza help me get him on the floor."

She did, and Sam quickly began CPR after checking for a pulse and not finding one. He was trying desperately to keep panic from taking over, focusing on how much Dean needed him and that he couldn't let him down.

"No, Dean, don't do this! Not now, not like this. I won't let you go. I'm not letting you go, do you hear me?"

Esperanza watched as Sam fought for Dean's life. She closed her eyes and put her hand on Dean's forehead. She exerted all her psychic energy into Dean just as Sam was doing the same with his physical strength to revive him.

"Sam, he hears you. Keep going. He's not giving up, but his body is tired. Don't give up on him."

Sam doubled his efforts when she told him that Dean was still with them, trying to fight to live wherever he was.

Esperanza tried to connect to Dean, "Dean, take your mother's strength, take my strength, use them as tethers to bind you here with us. Feel Sam fighting for you. Let him fight for you. Your mother's right, you take so little for yourself, but now's the time to reach out to us, Dean. You don't have to do this on your own."

Dean then suddenly gasped and coughed. Sam stopped the CPR.

"Dean? Can you hear me?" Sam asked softly.

"Sam..." Dean rasped and smiled, "You're…not going to let me…live this down, are you?"

Sam smiled widely.

"Hell, no," he retorted.

"Thanks," Dean said.

"For what?"

"For being here…for always being there…" Dean breathed tiredly, "For saving my life…"

Sam's eyes started to well up, unable to find the right words, but Dean's look was enough to tell him he didn't need to.

Dean coughed again, trying to even his breathing out. Esperanza came around and looked at Dean's face. He gave her a weak smile.

"Can I…thank you…now?"

She just smiled back.

"We should take you to a hospital to make sure you're all right," Sam suggested.

"I just need to rest. No hospital. Okay? I'll likely…get something or they'll find something I never had…" Dean half-joked insistently. "Think a week's worth of sleep'll do me."

Sam smiled and shook his head. Esperanza placed her hand on Dean's chest, reassured by its steady rise and fall as well as the strong rhythm of his heart.

"It's all right, Sam," she said. "He's all right."

"Is he healed?" Sam asked with hope rising in his throat.

"Yes," she said, feeling relieved herself, "Let's get him on the couch for now and let him sleep."

They settled Dean in and put a blanket over him. Sleep had overtaken him already.

oooo

Sam sat curled up in a nearby chair, unable to sleep. He kept looking at Dean and then thought of his mom.

"She's still here, you know," Esperanza said as she sat in another chair near him.

"I wish we had more time together," Sam said wistfully.

"She can feel and hear you, Sam. You can always have time with her."

"I know, but –"

"What do you need to tell her?"

Sam looked over at Dean.

"I guess she already knows, but I just want to tell her how sorry I am that I didn't treat her death like I should have. All I saw was dad's crusade to avenge it. He was too…grief-stricken, I guess, to tell me much. It was just too painful for him. Dean did all that," Sam said as he looked at Dean again, "He helped me see her."

"She's telling me it's all right. You were too young. You only understood what your father was feeling after you lost Jess and she would give anything if you never had, but Dean, even though he remembers everything, didn't let hate or revenge touch him. It's why his presence is so vital to you and to other innocents. He hasn't been compromised and is incorruptible. He's seen evil, looked it straight in the eye, and faced it without running. He's been afraid, sure, but not of evil, but of failing to stop it."

"I know. He can be a pain in the butt sometimes, but I know that I can always count on him. I've known it since I was a kid."

Dean groaned awake, "Mind not talking ill of the dead."

Sam and Esperanza laughed lightly. Dean's sarcastic humor was reassurance that he was going to be okay. He slowly tried to sit up. Though he managed it, it wasn't without some difficulty.

"Hey, you're supposed to be asleep, dude," Sam said.

"How can anyone get any sleep with you yammering away?"

"Do you want to go upstairs and into a real bed?" Esperanza asked.

"Nah, I'm up for the duration, I just won't be going anywhere anytime soon," Dean jibed.

"You in a hurry to get somewhere?" She teased.

"Thankfully, no."

"Good, guess I'll make us some lunch. You up to eating?"

"I may be incapacitated, but my appetite is still healthy."

"Great."

Esperanza smiled broadly, seeing Dean like his old self again.

"So, you okay?" Dean asked Sam.

"I'm fine. I'm not the one looking like he got the crap kicked out of him," Sam smiled.

"Hey, hey, respect your elders here. I can still whip your ass."

"I'd like to see you try," Sam said, still smiling.

"Maybe later," Dean said.

They both took a moment.

"Mom's still here," Sam said softly.

"I know. She always will be." Dean confirmed.

"Dean, I –"

"You don't have to say it. I know. Same goes for me."

The brothers just looked at each other and let the comfortable silence and their mother's presence envelope them.

Fin

Thanks again to Tiffany for doing the beta for this story. It was a tremendous help.