"How to Avert A War"

:.Erena G.T. Rose.:

Alright peeps...look here. This was just some some pointless stupidity I wrote a like four o'clock in the morning and posted as a bulletin on myspace. It's my shot-in-the-dark attempt at comedy...and to play around with a few of those couples that other people feel a little distasteful. Lol. I'm sorry if any of those couples offend you...really. Just humor me for a bit, okay?

"How to Avert A War"

Playing drinking games, Kabuto decided, was a revolutonary way to stop a war between villages. You could get drunk, start a fight, lose terribly, not remember it in the morning...and all was well.

And later on, the prudent host would use any gathered...er...information and quietly remind the individuals that blackmail is not considered a crime in shinobi court.

The silver haired medic-nin pushed his glasses up higher onto the bridge of his nose and smirked discreetly. This party was definitely a hit...after all, Orochimaru was totally smashed. The snake-shinobi had already been forced to down a series of sake shots after losing close to ten rounds of what appeared to be a drunken version of word association. Kabuto politely declined an invitation to play and continued to bartend his village's way to peace...one overloaded drink at a time.

Scanning the room slowly, Kabuto assured himself that everyone who had arrived was still conscious, if seriously inebriated. Orochimaru and Jiraiya were leaning against each other in a drunken lag, twin streaks of drool on their chin as they stared at a close-to-passed-out Tsunade whose robe had fallen open far more than was appropriate. Pervs.

To their left was Kakashi, who Kabuto had greeted with lazy, if guarded disinterest. The copy-nin didn't look so tough now though, as he hiccuped repeatedly, his lock of silver hair bounching up as he did so. Lying beside him on it's side was a large...EMPTY...bottle of shochu. Nearly smiling, Kabuto admitted that Kakashi had done the majority of the hard work for him. Shochu, much more potent then sake, was the true liquor of shinobi-drunks. The copy-nin fucked up when he let the children get into it.

Why Naruto had come along, Kabuto didn't know; probably in some misguided effort to prove himself. But he did know, Sakura, on the other hand, had come for Sasuke...who was, at the very moment, half lying, half sitting in his brother's lap, while Itachi's sharingan eyes swirled lazily. An interesting side effect of too much shochu. Having seen all this, Sakura had immediatley stolen the bottle of spirits and guzzled four quick mouthfuls while a bleary-eyed Kakashi watched in interest. Kabuto would be damned if he didn't think that little pervert was thinking of his student in an inappropriate manner.

Nartuo was nearly dead on his feet; already he'd run to the restroom three times to pray to the porcelain Kami. Kabuto wanted to laugh and only turned his back for a moment and allowed a malicious grin to filter into his expression. Dumbass, Kyuubi-boy.

Tsunade had, of course, brought along her other medic student, the shy, quiet Hinata...who was closely shadowed by the prodigy Neji, her protector. Kabuto had merely raised an eyebrow when she entered behind her guardian and Tsunade, but a few hours into it...yet another colorful memory.

Hinata, stripped to nothing but her training shirt and pants, barefoot and sweaterless, dancing around in a circle around her protector, while Neji tried to keep his gaze from straying to distracting...er...valleys. Then the Hyuuga girl had started singing some sordid rendition of "Don't Cha" and Orochimaru had chimed in with something like, "She's begging for it, Neji-kun!"

Kabuto nearly choked on the small sip of sake he'd allowed himself. Leave it to Orochimaru to promote adolescent promiscuousness.

However...glancing around once more from beneath the veil of his thick eyelashes, Kabuto didn't actually see Neji and Hinata anywhere. He smiled deviously...but he DID hear some interesting noises coming from down the hall. cough cough

But back in the center of the room, the participants in this hour's chosen game were seating in a circle on the floor...or rather, as close to a circle as a bunch of drunk ninja could make. (To Kabuto, it looked more like a fractured egg shell, but he chose to remain quiet about it).

"Soooo-" hiccup...Kakashi's words were a bit slurred as he looked around the cirlce, his gaze lingering on Itachi and Sasuke longer than the others. Sakura, leaning agains him, stirred and tried to reach for the shochu bottle again, but Kakashi grabbed her hand, "Ittttssss eeemptttyyyy loooveee." He kissed the top of her head, "Yoouuuu havvvee tooo drinkkkk slooowwwly. Nooo moooorrreee forrr youuu darrrliiinnnn'..." More slurred words. Sakura giggled and dipped her head, bobbing like she was a fish out of water. "Yes ssseeennnseeeiiii."

Across the circle from them, Naruto gagged, seemingly as a show of dramatics...but then he was up and running down one of the many corridors, headed for the bathroom. The boy just didn't do well with liquor did he?

There was a bit of silence then, except for the mingled, if muffled sounds of someone screaming the words, "Nii-san!" in a breathless sort of way. Orochimaru smiled, "That'sssss a good idea I had there...wasssssn't it, Kabuto-kun?"

Standing behind the bar, Kabuto nodded, "Yes Orochimaru-sama." The snake Sannin must have been really smashed...his elongation of the S's and the snake-quality of his speech was more pronounced.

Orochimaru gave a little hissing breath that could have passed for drunken laughter. Beside his Jiraiya snorted and pointed at Tsundae with a finger that swayed from point to point. "Looky there, 'Rochi...Tsunade's got nipplelitis!"

It was Orochimaru's turn to bob his head, "Niiiccceee...but I like ...hiccup...I like..."---The words wouldn't come out right and Kabuto looked up to see Orochimaru's gaze swivel back and forth between Sasuke and Itachi...and then drift lazily back to Jiraiya. "...hiccup...To tell you the truth Jirry, old buddy...I think I want you ass."

Dead silence fell for a moment, as every stared at the pair, even Tsunade, who managed to open his half-mast eyes and blink at them in something like disturbed amusement. "Well, ittttsss about ddddaaaammnnnn timmmmeeee."

Still silence reigned as Jiraiya and Orochimaru looked each other over. silence...Then...HICCUP...Orochimaru hiccupped once, twice and then a series of times, popping up and down on his arse, unable to catch a breath. At one point he banged head with Jiraiya and laughed gleefully, but the laughter only worsed his hiccups and he found himself struggling to get a good breath.

Jiraiya shook his head, "Serves you righhhhhhtttt!" hiccup..."Oh damn you, now I've got em!" growl...Standing up, Jiraiya dragged Orochimaur with him by the arm, heading for the same bathroom Naruto was occupying. Kabuto decided against trying to warn the Kyuubi. Fuck him.

A few nearly quiet moments later, Naruto came tearing down the hallway, tears streaming from his red-rimmed eyes, looking a little garish with his slightly green parlour contrasting horribly with his orange jumpsuit.

"OH MY GOD HELP ! JIRAIYA AND OROCHIMARU ARE...ARE..."...He seemed at a loss for words...then threw his arms up in the air and wailed..."THEY'RE MAKING OUT IN THE BATHROOM!"

There was another tense silence...with the muffled sounds of someone screaming "Hinata-sama" over and over again...and then Tsunade stood up abruptly, wobbling on her feet. "Bassstttarrddsss are trryinngg toooo leavvveee mmeee outtt!" She tuddled off down the hallway in those ankle breaking heels and Kabuto wanted to salute her bravery...he NEVER wanted to be in the middle of the Perv and the Snake...EVER.

Naruto just collapsed on the floor, finally falling into a dead faint, though incoherent madness spilled from his lips...mumbling "Old People...sex...Old People...sex

Kakashi looked over at Itachi, who just shurgged and patted Sasuke's ass affectionately, "Hey, Sssaaasssuuukkkeee-kkkunnn, I think you and I...sssshooouuullllddd go and make our oooowwwwnnnn funnnnn. Whhat ddooo youuuu sssayyy?"

The youngest Uchiha smiled absently, "Yeaaa...that'ssss niceee..." Itachi wasted no time in dragging the younger boy up from the floor and rising to sling him over his shoulder. The oldest of the two looked down at Kakashi, who was eyes him carefully.

Itachi smirked and reached into his robe, withdrawing another liter of shochu and offering it to the copy-nin. "Heerreeee...Kakkkassshhhiii...a tookkkeeennnn...of gooodddwillll."

Kakashi shook his head and patted Sakura's rear just as Itachi had done for Sasuke, "Nooopeee, No thankkksssss, Itaccchhiiii-san...wwwweeee'reeee hiccup...pllleeeennntttyyy fffiinnneee ovvverr heeerree." He waved the bottle off and Itachi shrugged, tucking it back into his robe. Smiling, the sharingan user turned on his heel and simply disappeared in a poof of smoke.

Kakashi shook his head, "Thhhee basssttarrddd issss jussstttt assss drruuunnnkk asss usss anddd he'ssss stilll perrrrfforrrminggg niinnn-jutsssuuuuu."

Sakura tried to shake her head and then gave up; apparently deciding that the slim column of her neck wouldn't support the weight. She leaned back against her sensei and closed her eyes, "Weee ssshoulld have keeept tthhee shoooccchhuuu."

The silver haired nin chuckled, "Nooope, nooo morree spirrriittsss for yoouuu litttleee blosssommm."

The girl shook her head, "I'mmmm nnnnootttt drrrunnnnkkkk, Kkkakkassshhiiii. I'mmm perffeccctlyyy welll aaawwaaarreee ooof myselfff." She poked him in the side, "Give meeee thee shochuuu..."...giggle

Kakashi paused and straightened, catching the leaning Sakura by the shoulders and turning her to face him. She giggled slightly because his own visible eye looked suddenly so clear that it was almost comical. Then he spoke, and Kabuto decided that Kakashi sounded more sober now then when he walked in.

"Really? You're aware of yourself?"

Sakura gave a clumsy nod.

"Then you won't mind if I do this." And Kakashi swept in a kissed her, startling Sakura out of her giggles, changing it instead to a soft, sexual sound that Kakashi quite literally, swallowed up.

So engrossed in one another, were they, that they didn't see the shadow slip up beside them...

CLICKSNAPFLASH!

The pair broke apart and looked up blearily, watching the flashbulbs dance in their vision as their eyes met the image of Kabuto, armed with a polaroid camera and a pocketful of pictures he'd already taken. A quick glance told Kakashi they were all of him and Sakura.

Kabuto smiled, "So nice of you two to come, by the way. Have fun. See yourselves out..."...he paused..."or in...AND...out...depending." He smirked. Perv.

Kakashi and Sakura looked at each other as Kabuto stalked off down the hall from which we heard the furious sounds of two Hyuugas going at it. smirk But the pink haired kunoichi was too drunk to hold her head up and Kakashi was only too pleased to allow her to lay on him.

Leaning back slowly, he dragged her acorss his body and into his arms, wrapping them around her as he laid flat on the carpeted mat. Sleep sounded like a damn good idea.

Kabuto wandered down the hall, taking picture after picture of his guests caught in embarrassing and potential revealing activities. There were two shots of Hinata and Neji, one mid-activity, the other of them lying still in bed, curled in one another's arms.

There were a few of Naruto up-chucking his alcoholic dinner...and then another of him passed out in the living room, the first empty bottle of shochu lying beside him.

There was one of Itachi and Sasuke, locking lips in a dark corner...and then another of Itachi leading Sasuke by the hand into their private chamber.

An image, still-life thank Kami, of Jiraiya, Orochimaru and Tsunade lying naked, sprawled across Orochimaru royal violet bed sheets, all of them still tangled but now, thankfully, passed out.

And of course, the ones of that pervert Kakashi making out with his pretty little Sakura-kun.

Perfect.

Kabuto headed back to his room and closed the door to the chamber behind him, tossing his polaroid onto his desk carelessly. It was the pictures he was after.

He looked over them and smiled vaguely at each image. He couldn't wait to "inform" the guests of their various nefarious activities. It would be beautiful.

Heading over, Kabuto laid down on his own bed, kicking off his shoes and pulling off his hitai-ate. The shoes went under the bed, his headband to the nightstand...and his new pictures were pushed between the pages of a book called "Just Rewards".

Then the single illuminating candle was blown out and Kabuto pulled off all his clothing, sliding between the sheets easily. He laid there and waited, breath baited and held.

And finally, there it came. The window was open and the curtains blew softly in a little breeze that was completely unnatural. A small, biege particle landed on Kabuto's nose and he smiled and turn his head to the side, watching his lover materialize in the bed beside him.

Gaara smiled softly, "...Hello, love. How went the party?" He kissed him softly and they burrowed deeper under the blankets.

Kabuto chuckled, "Oh you know, it was good. Everyone's either passed out from drinking too much...or passed out from drinking and other strenuous activities."

The red-haired boy smiled, "Sounds like fun to me. We should try it." He waggled his almost-non-existent eyebrows.

Kabuto poked him in the side, "Shutup, you."

They fell silent and rolled over, nearly asleep already.

Then Gaara said, "Love, you do realize that you're a very naughty little nin."

And Kabuto laughed again, "It's all in a day's work love."

The End