Authors Notes: I. AM. ALIVE. Yes! Okay, well as to where I've been I'm extremely proud to say that I am a mommy of a beautiful little girl! SO, NATURALLY, I've been very, very, very busy. I'm truly blessed with my little family! I haven't had the time to write any more than small snippets here and there during my pregnancy and beyond. Now that my Honey Buns is on a schedule, I can write at night! Woohoo! Thank you ALL for EVERYTHING! God, how you put up with my grammar is beyond me! (Seriously, go re-read the prologue, you'll DIE) XDXD So, without further delay, here is the long awaited chapter! Please enjoy! Let me know who still likes'em some LOB! XD

Love or Blood

Chapter Nineteen: A Chance

She walked into the room once he had called to her. Shame and disgust hit him like a wall as he gazed upon her. A thousand moments flooded his mind: his dream, the racy talk from the night before, him allowing her privileges he had yet to let any other staff member dream off…he wanted to be close to her, but he shouldn't be close to her. It wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair to her…it wasn't fair to Rona.

Abigale Lynn was talking to him. Her lips were moving, her body language nervous and curious. She cared for him, or in the least she was starting too.

Janus looked away from her and swallowed hard. Fear, perhaps irrational, overcame him. He realized then and there that Master Vicente had perhaps unknowingly started something that wasn't so harmless. Quite the contrary, the Count feared he started something dangerous.

xxxx

I entered the room but immediately I was taken aback by the strained tone in his voice. More so once I opened the door and saw him. It took me a moment to locate his form. He was standing in the back of the room at his desk. He seemed tense with his body hunched over and eyes downcast at his papers. He was not reading them however; his gaze remained unfocused and dark.

I was confused and concerned. "Sir...?" The Count remained immobile, like he had gone from this world and left only his body behind. Feeling strangely panicked I took a step forward. Then after what seemed like a very long while he looked up. His eyes fell on me for only a moment, looking so tired and sad. I found myself holding my breath. I could feel that there was something wrong. Very wrong. I opened my mouth to speak but before I could he shook his head and made his way over to me cautiously.

The Count looked disheveled. As a matter of fact I had never seen him in such a poor state of dress before. He wore his black pants, high dark boots and long-sleeved loose white undershirt. Normally he would wear a vest or doublet over that, tonight he hadn't even laced the front of his shirt up all the way.

When he finally stood in front of me I had to suppress the urge to reach out to him. I wanted to help; I grew up taking care of others. This felt no different but perhaps it should. It was almost like a maternal instinct. I felt the need to console him somehow.

"There is something I must ask you. A favor." The Count's voice was tense and his body language was rigid and closed. I also couldn't help but notice the way he kept looking away from me.

"Anything Sir." I looked sympathetic, I know I did. The last thing the Count probably wanted was my pity but he had it. "What do you need me to do?"

XXXX

There was so much shame in him, so much guilt. It strangled and tormented him in ways he did not know existed. Walking to her and simply looking into her eyes irked him. He felt he had betrayed her and his wife. The images from his dream stormed his mind whenever their gaze met. The Count felt dirty just by looking at her. He could swear the wedding band on his finger burned.

The girl looked so openly at him. She could easily sense there was something wrong. Janus couldn't hide it even if he wanted to. He felt that dream poisoned him. That it ruined any purity his mind had left. As a matter of fact he was afraid he was dreaming still. He feared for the girl before him. Reality should not be so blurred. The Count also kept his ears perked and senses heightened, afraid his wife was around any corner, waiting to scream at her adulterer husband.

"Anything Sir," She said to him. Abigale Lynn wanted to help him so badly. It made him feel that much worse.

"Roll up your sleeve," He spoke slowly, trying his best to keep the quiver from his voice. "And hold your arm out for me." He saw her gulp but she complied. Anything to help him – he felt more awful if possible. "Please."

"Yes Sir." She tugged her sleeve up to her elbow and held her arm out for him. No questions asked. No stammering, stuttering or objection. How she obeyed. He felt powerless to his shame. She was comfortable with him and he had wanted that for so long now. Yet he felt that she shouldn't be. The Count felt like the predator he was. What started out as something so innocent was turning into something dark…Or was it? Could he possibly be fabricating this, making everything worse inside his mind? Was he truly such an awful being? He didn't know and wasn't sure that he wanted to. Not now.

He approached her, deciding that he would confront his thoughts head-on later in the evening. Regardless, he was going to try his best to set things right. She watched him carefully as he reached down and took her arm, his fingers wrapped gently around her pale skin. She was smooth and warm and 'Thank Gods' he felt her heart beating strongly beneath his grip. It quelled his fears of her changing into his wife at any moment. She was real and alive.

This time when he looked at her she was watching her arm and his hand curiously. He let go slowly feeling her eyes on him, searching him for something. "Thank you." He said quietly, feeling relieved but no less guilty. She looked up at his face, eyes open and inquiring. She touched her arm, brushed her fingertips along the skin where his hand had just been. "I had to…" He paused, he felt the need to explain himself to her but he didn't know how. He couldn't possibly tell her of his dream. He also couldn't tell her that he was simply checking her pulse. She would have questions as to why and he couldn't tell her.

Janus attempted to speak again but Abigale Lynn stopped him with a shake of her head. "You do not have to tell me, Sir." She rolled her sleeve back down and tried a small smile. "Perhaps it is better if I don't know?"

He sighed deeply, he was so grateful for her understanding. "Thank you."

xxxx

He looked significantly better after taking my arm. I didn't know why and I wasn't sure if I wanted to either. It was too confusing but I was thankful to see him more relaxed even if just a little.

The skin on my arm was tingling though. I thought of the night before when he held both my arms in his hands. I had been crying and he comforted me. Consoled me in ways a Master should not. The thought made me blush. It had made me feel good in ways I did not understand. I felt light and funny all over, but good somehow.

But his hands were so cold. I expected it but somehow was unprepared for it. Cold as death, yet he did not look like death to me. Pale smooth skin, lightly touched by age, with features sharp as glass. His eyes so red and bright. So many thoughts and emotions swam within those irises, reflecting back at me full of life.

He did not look like death to me.

Regardless, I wanted to return the favor of his previous night's kindness. "Is there anything else you require from me, Sir?" With a still pained expression he shook his head. I watched him run his fingers through his inky black hair. That too made me feel funny. Watching him in such a…mortal state? I can't describe it but it was fascinating. I found myself fiddling with the frill on my sleeve. "Would you like me to leave you, Sir? I-if you would prefer privacy—"

"Walk with me." He said suddenly. "I think privacy is the last thing I need right now. Come, walk with me."

Walk? Walk where? Needless to say I was taken aback. "I-I will, Sir if that is what you wish." I couldn't keep myself from looking puzzled. His behavior was sporadic - it usually was, but this time he was different somehow. The Count turned and walked to one of his large ornate closets. He pulled out two cloaks and handed one to me. Something came over me then. Excitement or panic – I could not word it. "Sir…?"

"It will be large on you but it will do." He pulled his cloak on and walked to the bedroom door with me close behind. I put on the large cloak. It was thick and heavy, I struggled swinging it over my shoulders. "Stay close to me outside." I knew it. My breath caught, my heart raced. He was taking me outside. Outside? Was that even allowed? I suppose he makes the rules so it should be. It had been over five months since I felt the evening breeze on my face, heard the chirping of crickets or smelt the sweet air of Skingrad. I could not believe it.

We walked past his throne room and down a small dark set of stairs to a lone door. I could feel the cold air from the threshold chilling my ankles but I didn't care. I was too excited. It felt like a dream that I didn't want to wake from. But at the same time I was fearful. Inside Castle Skingrad became my sanctuary. Was it even safe for me to leave for a moment?

The Count turned to face me again. He still looked tense but I could see him anticipating the night air as well. "You won't run away, will you? It is a terribly foolish idea to even think on."

I swallowed hard. "No Sir, I promise I won't." I was wringing my hands again, staring at him and the door, then back to him again. A part of me felt like a dog, the other greater part didn't care what I was feeling. It and I wanted to go outside despite the fear and anxiety it brought.

He smiled a tried, strained smile at me. "I didn't think you would. You're very excited, aren't you?" I nodded hurriedly. Excited didn't even begin to describe what I was feeling. "Here," He reached around me and pulled my hood up. "Keep this on outside." And then I wasn't sure why but I was blushing. I was oddly moved by the gesture. Tonight when I saw the Count I wanted to take care of him, here he was taking care of me like I was a small child.

I smiled meekly. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He reached out and held the door latch. "Just keep that hood up and stay close to me."

I was holding my breath as the door slowly opened. The cold air hit me like a wall but it was welcomed. Despite the cold my fears melted away. I heard myself laugh; a small breathy disbelieving sound. The little hairs on my neck stood up, and as if my limbs had a mind of their own I was holding my arms out before me. The gust of wind that came in had let in snow. Small cold flakes landed on my arm. I was so happy, just standing in the doorway watching snowflakes vanish on my skin. So very happy.

I felt a hot tear slide down my cheek.

XXXX

The snow was light and the small patches that remained on the ground had begun to melt beneath his boots. Janus stood on the wooden walkway outside the door. He remained immobilized there, watching the girl in the doorway who had tentatively stuck her hands out to let snowflakes fall in her palms. She looked different somehow in a way he could not explain, almost at peace with the world.

Abigale Lynn looked up at him with the brightest smile he had ever seen. Her eyes were glassy and a lone tear ran down her cheek. By Gods she was happy and Janus was touched by this in a manner he would never have imagined. The way she looked at him made him feel forgiven by her. He felt lifted. She looked at him in ways he didn't understand. An innocent gaze that when on him said plainly: You are wonderful. He knew he didn't deserve it…did he?

He reached out to her, felt her warm hand slip into his palm and smiled. This girl made him feel amazing. Despite his thoughts and flaws she made him feel forgiven. Perhaps the best part of it was that she did not even know it.

The pair made their way down the balcony, past the guards and through a small gate. Abigale Lynn had a peculiar look on her face, she seemed surprised that the Count had his own private exit. This though she did not voice, she was far too taken by the scenery. She looked as though she hadn't seen the sky in years. Janus could tell that she would cherish this evening for many nights to come.

She stayed close to him as he had commanded but when they reached the grounds just over the bridge she stopped. She prodded a small patch of snow with her little shoes and sighed. Her face was turned away from him toward the city. The Count felt his stomach drop for a fleeting moment - as he thought she was going to attempt escape. However that fear left him as quickly as it came when she turned to him beaming.

"Your city is so lovely, Sir." She turned her body away from him to look over Skingrad once more. "How did you make it so wonderful?"

Janus smiled and stood beside her. "It has always been like this, at least since I was a boy. It was my father's duty to shape this city into what you see before you. The task to keep it as he and my ancestors envisioned has fallen to me." He straightened, chest swelling with pride as he looked over his home. "It is an honor and a privilege."

Abigale Lynn turned to face him. The pale blue light of the moon made her eyes shine. "If you permit me to say my Lord," Janus nodded. "I think you're making them proud." She smiled brightly at him. Truly she was beautiful to the Count, and that had nothing to do with the way the moon shined on her at that particular moment.

xxxx

The air was cool on my skin and the moon was so large and bright. The Count and I walked for a long while. I found myself smiling at everything and nothing at all. I was so happy to be outside with him, and also privileged.

I felt a small pang of sadness on our way back to the castle. The Count seemed to notice this. "Don't worry," He reassured me. "This will not be our last walk together as I've quite enjoyed it. We may go again tomorrow if you like."

The air around me seemed lighter than before. "I should like that very much Sir." I watched his lips pull into a smile, saw the flash of his fangs and noticed how it changed his grin. It made him different in a way I found spectacular. It made his smile more meaningful to me somehow, though I didn't understand why.

"I consider you a friend to me, Abigale Lynn." And then for some strange reason my heart skipped a beat. Had he ever called me by my name before? My face burned and I found myself fidgeting. I liked hearing him say my name to me. It made me almost feel equal… Not that I could ever be his equal. The Count is far too amazing. "I would like to apologize. It has been so long since I've been around someone." He paused again, looking at a loss for words. Why on Nirn would he think he needed to apologize?

"You have treated me fairly, Sir. I am honored to serve you. There is no need to say sorry."

"Oh but there is. I have not been as kind as I want to be with you. You're in the habit of muddling my thoughts, I'm afraid." He smirked at me. I felt insanely special; knowing that I was in the Count's thoughts.

"I don't mean to." I bit my lip in attempt to hide my big cheeky grin. I was proud of myself for no reason at all and it felt wonderful.

He laughed and I liked the sound. "Don't look so pleased with yourself." He teased and I liked that too. I liked everything tonight. "You still have to clean up after me." He threw me a smug sideways glance and led the way through the courtyard.

Despite him telling me not to, I was grinning like a cat with a face as hot as Oblivion. "It's my pleasure, really."

xxxx

The Count closed the door to the outside behind us. I blinked my eyes in attempts to adjust to the torch sconces luminance. Despite being a dark castle, the flames burned brightly before us, flickering wildly at the winter's draft. I sighed as the cold night air left me but was no less happy. The Count had promised me we could go again and I believed him. Maybe it wouldn't be tomorrow, maybe it would. However I knew he would keep his word. He has never lied to me.

The castle seemed so warm compared to the outside. I felt myself perspire by the normally comfortable warmth. With a great effort, I pulled the Count's spare cloak over my head. My hair crinkled and stood from the static of the fabric. I made a vain attempt at patting the strays back down. The Count watched me with amusement.

"I hope you enjoyed being out with me. I certainly enjoyed your company. No liquor required."

I felt myself flush but didn't understand why. I was so very touched by the comment I felt my heart flutter in my chest. Again, I did not fully understand why. Perhaps it was because I had unknowingly longed to hear him say such a thing. All our time spent together thus far, I was either frightened or inebriated. This was a welcome change.

I was suddenly very self-conscious, though grateful to him. "I did as well…" It was simple and sounded foolish to my own ears. "Without the liquor, I mean. N-not that the wine wasn't wonderful! I just...I loved being outside too," I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. Outside I felt more freely to speak. Now back under his gaze, his rule, his every whim and bordered within his walls, I was unsure of how to act. Stranger still I enjoyed it. Not the apprehensiveness of it all, but the familiarity of it. "Forgive me, Sir. I am just overwhelmed."

He looked curiously at me as he shrugged off his own cloak. "Overwhelmed? By what?" I found myself quietly admiring the sheer broadness of his shoulders. The way the muscle seemed to roll so fluently. Despite being almost a century old, the Count had kept his physique somehow. It made sense being that he was a vampire. However, he was a Count. I didn't understand what kind of stately matters required physical strain. At least the kind to create those rippling muscles under his richly embodied clothing. "My shirt, perhaps?"

My eyes darted upwards to his face where I was aghast to find him smiling at me. I had been caught. But I didn't want him to misinterpret my curiosity with attraction. The Count was indeed a very handsome man but I simply don't look at men that way, I won't allow myself.

"I am so very sorry Sir!" In my shock I had dropped my cloak on the floor. "It's not your shirt, I swear! I-I was just curious as to a-as to your, erm." I placed my hand onto my face and sighed. What is wrong with me?

"You do not need to say another word," The Count chuckled as he bent and picked up my cloak. "I think the fresh air got to your head, that's all. We will go out more often so you will get accustomed to it." He rolled up our cloaks and handed the bundle out to me. I looked up at him sheepishly and mumbled another apology while accepting the cloaks. He took a step closer to me and leaned in, "Go put those away," He said softly. "Then come back to me. I'll be waiting in my bedchamber."

XXXX

The Count watched with a smile as Abigale Lynn peaked her head inside his room. He beckoned to her and she strode forward almost confidently.

The walk together had been exactly what was needed. He felt it cleared the air for them, it created an understanding. They were to have something akin to a professional relationship while being friends. Did he find her beautiful, both physically and mentally? Yes. Her looks were one thing however, but her soul…whether or not she had been a thief, and despite the torrent of crimes she may or may not have committed, he found her to be pure.

Her face was no longer flushed as she sat down in the chair opposite him. He could still feel her excitement from the evening activities lingering within her but there was something else…perhaps simple curiosity or gratefulness. The Count decided not to try and decipher it.

"Do you know what tomorrow is?" He asked her once she settled.

She shook her head, still wearing a small smile. "Sadly I do not, Sir." She paused, then looked aghast for a moment, "Is it your birthday?"

The Count laughed at her look of mortification as he shook his head. "No, no," He chuckled, "But I thank you for your innocent sentiment." Slightly embarrassed, she smiled meekly and waited for him to continue. "Tomorrow is the day I send my help out for weekly supplies. You…you so enjoyed tonight that it moved me. I realize how unfair I have been to you, Abigale Lynn. It is wrong of me to keep you locked in here."

He was unsurprised to see the sudden change in her body language. She gulped upon hearing her name, but once his words sunk in she saw the idea he was imposing and was taken aback. "Sir?"

"I wish to propose an arrangement if you are willing. You may go do this small task with the help. You will be chaperoned by Tualga, for my comfort. That way I know you're enjoying yourself safely. I also won't have to worry too much about you running away-"

"I would never run away from you, My Lord!" She said low and desperately, "I-I would be honored to go, if you truly wish me too. A-and I would be ever so grateful." The Count smiled at how excited she had become. The way she placed a hand upon her chest to attempt to calm herself touched him. "But Sir, I would also completely understand…I mean…" She sighed in frustration with herself, then looked up to him meaningfully. "Are you sure? You have my word that I would never betray you, but it is enough?"

Janus had expected this. She doubted herself and his judgment. It was exactly why she needed this. They both needed this. Perhaps it was some sort of test as well. To know how 'happy' she was here. He knew the way her body reacted to his questioning that she was 'physically' happy here, but what of her soul? What happened when she stepped out into the light of day and realized that being free was more self-gratifying then the life she was having. She would leave him then, he supposed. Somehow slip away from the small shopping group and away from Skingrad.

The idea made his skin crawl and his stomach to roll. But regardless of how it felt to him now, he knew it was the right thing to do. He was giving her a taste of freedom that she so deserved and a chance; a chance to leave him if she thought it good and plausible.

Although, if she did run away…he couldn't promise that he wouldn't go after her and he wasn't quite sure why.

Almost mindlessly he reached out to her and took her hand in his. Abigale Lynn nervously watched as he turned it, running his thumb along her soft palms. To Janus, the idea of losing her was…unthinkable. He had become so accustom to everything she did, her suddenly absent from his life made him feel ill. But to feel her now, alive and in his hands, brought on something he was desperately trying to overcome but was failing to do so - perhaps already failed entirely. Janus purposely turned her hand over once more, knuckles upright, and brought it close to his face. "I trust you." He breathed along the digits. He then pressed her knuckles to his lips.

A long dead fire ignited inside of him, something so chaste and customary turned taboo. A thousand images flashed through his mind as her soft skin touched him. Thoughts he was merely hours ago trying to stamp out roared more fervently and vividly then before. The guilt he had burnt up along in them then turned to ash and was no more.

So innocent, a kiss on the hand, yet it had left him staring at her, feeling more empowered and dangerous than he had in years. He felt her energy serge as well and did his best not to tap into it. But he did. Unbeknownst to her she was his in every way a Vampire could possesses a mortal. Any other Vampire would know of his ownership and stay away. He now swam within her very veins…and she didn't even know it.

He found himself staring at her possessively and quickly shook it. To Abigale Lynn it was a small gesture of trust and compassion that left her blushing. It was for him as well, and so, so much more. It left him hungry.