Love or Blood

Chapter Twenty-four: Delicate Matters

xxxx

"May I…ask you something, Sir?"

The Count looked perplexed at me for a moment. I felt a lump form in my throat then and was afraid to ask what was on my mind. Would I even be able to work the question into a proper sentence? But then he nodded. "Of course, you can ask me anything you like."

I visibly relaxed a little but began to toy with my hair. "I-it is a silly question." I began, still working up the courage to ask what was on my mind. "It is the way you look at me." The Count set his book down slowly and appeared almost nervous. He shifted slightly in his seat but his eyes never left mine. "I've wondered this for a long time. Please don't be angry with me if I upset you for I do not know if this is proper of me."

"The only way to know is if you inquire, so do so." He said calmly. It helped me gain the courage I needed.

"Can you see me?" I finally asked. The Count looked very surprised by this, like he was expecting some awfully personal question. I supposed he could have misinterpreted it that way from my hesitation. Quite honestly I thought it was a personal matter and was a little uneasy to ask it.

"What?" He asked, making me bite my lip. "Can I see you? That is what you said, correct?" I felt awfully strange by how amused he looked, like he could not believe such an impossibly foolish question. I shyly nodded at him, feeling my face flush. He laughed a little. "Yes Abigale Lynn I can see you perfectly well. May I ask what brought such a curiosity to your mind?"

"You are looking right at me Sir, despite the blackness of the room." I toyed with the blanket for a moment, feeling silly. "I just…didn't know if you could see me as easily as I think you see me."

"Oh," He placed his chin in his palm and now looked curiously at me. "You mean as a vampire can I see you greater?" He didn't seem angry or agitated at all so again I nodded. "Then to answer your question: yes, very much so, but not as you think I can see you. It is very different than as you see." He smirked playfully at the bewildered look on my face. "Would you care for me to elaborate?"

I immediately became excited. I long knew that the Count had abilities, being a vampire, but I never knew what they were. He being so willing to tell me made me nod enthusiastically. "Please."

"Well, being a vampire I have been given many 'gifts', so to speak. I won't mince words with you, these gifts are to better our hunting abilities. They are for stalking and feeding." Again I nodded. "However, if you are not a mindless blood-drinking beast, these skills can be honed and refined." He paused and turned his body in his chair to fully face me. "Take right now for example. I can easily see you. Just you. You appear more vividly now than when I use my average sight. In darkness I can seek you out and you shall be there, your colors stand out more against the blackness around you. And nothing exists but you. All else is faded and blurred."

"That's…hard for me to grasp but it sounds almost pretty. I imagine it is very useful to see in the dark too." I tried to imagine how the Count saw the world at night. Blurry and bright. "But Sir, why do my colors stand out? Why not your blankets?" I asked, holding up the vividly red and gold covers.

"Are you sure you wish to know? It may unnerve you." He looked genuinely uneasy for me but I was not afraid. After all I had been through tonight, the man at the other end of the room was the very least of my fears.

"I would like to i-if you are willing to share it."

The Count looked directly at me and I noticed the smallest gleam in his eyes, and not a metaphorical one, like they had caught a light that did not exist. "Because you are food. In a sense, of course." What he said did make me feel a bit uneasy but I did my best not to show it and continued listening. "Think for a moment when you hunger. Now, imagine yourself at a grand table, a feast lay before you. But nothing quite stimulates your appetite; however you can smell your favorite food somewhere within this banquet. So you seek it out using your sense of smell and sight, and once upon it your mouth begins to water." He rubbed the back of his neck then. "It is difficult to make a mortal comparison but that does it some justice."

I wondered then if I made the Count hungry and I suppressed a small shudder. But now my curiosity piqued. I wondered what other things he could see that I could not. "So you see only what pulls you, like people?" I asked, trying to word my question thoughtfully.

"That is correct. But not all people may be so vivid to me in the dark. Like you at a banquet, it is like me in a crowded room, looking for that one thing that I want. Others are of course very visible but only do my temptations contrast like nothing else."

"That's amazing." I breathed. I wanted to know more but was afraid to reach too high.

"You seem very interested in things that I can or cannot do." He was smiling now, near grinning ear to ear. He liked to talk about himself. I oddly found it sweet. How often did he get to talk about himself to anyone? "Would you like to ask another question?"

"Yes, if I am permitted to do so." I was sitting up fully now. The Count was like a book I was allowed to glimpse the pages of. The information and knowledge he gained through his long life must be great. A vast sea of questions came to mind, but one stood out more than the rest. "Will you not be offended?"

"I shall try not. If I am I will tell you to ask me something else."

His answer made me very eager, so I quickly asked him what had been on my mind on and off for months. "Do your fangs vibrate when you hum?"

The Count blinked then laughed. "That was certainly not a question I had been expecting. But no, no they don't." Then he paused and looked perplexed "Actually I don't know…" He trailed off and closed his mouth, the corner of his lips twitched, and then he proceeded to hum a very brief tune. "Wait," He put three fingers to his lips and hummed again. The Count began nodding, looking very amused with himself. "My apologies, as a matter of fact they do slightly."

"I knew it!" I happily thought aloud, though in a whisper. He was still smiling, his fangs were bared. It was not as unnerving as it should have been. But I was taken aback slightly by how big they looked. But, I was at the other end of the room, so I could have been imagining it. "Are they very big?" I asked awkwardly. Feeling a bit embarrassed I began to nonchalantly play with my hair again.

He paused for a moment and tapped his knee. "Would you like to see?"

At first I felt my heart beat a little faster out of fear. I did not know if he was implying anything. But the Count looked almost as uneasy as me. I decided to nod instead of answer verbally, in case it was a lie. I was fascinated and frightened by the idea.

The Count stood and walked to the bedside. He gestured to the edge of the bed. "May I?" I found it silly that he was asking me permission to sit upon his bed. I bit my lip and nodded but remained glued in the middle of the mattress.

As he sat down I felt my heart race from a variety of emotions. I had clung to him earlier, but I was just so glad to see him and was not myself. I do not regret it. Now though it was different. I was keenly aware of our closeness along with the fact that I was in his bed and he upon it. Also there was the fact that all I had to wear was his nightshirt and I was absent of undergarments.

The bed registered his weight and he turned to face me. "You're extremely nervous right now." He commented, and I felt that he did not need to be a vampire and feel my heart to know it. "You won't run away will you?" He was teasing me and oddly enough it helped me to relax a little.

"No Sir I won't run away." I answered sheepishly.

"Good." He said happily and I watched again as his mouth made a barely noticeable twitch. He then smiled at me and I found myself at a loss for words. "How's that?" He playfully asked.

"My Gods!" I exclaimed breathlessly as I placed a hand to my chest. Indeed I was both mortified and intrigued. I thought it quite unlike him to make a spectacle of himself but perhaps he secretly enjoyed the attention as much as I enjoyed what he showed me. "They-they are huge! How on Nirn? I'm sorry Sir, but I have never seen them so big!"

He chuckled and I inched closer to him. "That is because I usually keep them away."

"Away?" I asked. I was still mystified as to how he didn't talk funny with them in his mouth. They were easily over an inch long. They were thick, sharp, and pearly white. My hand wandered to my own neck, but I stopped it and adjusted the collar of my shirt instead. They had a slight inward curve to them. No doubt for keeping whoever they were into hooked. "You make them come out then?"

"Well, yes and no." The Count looked almost uncomfortable for a moment. "Usually I do. I keep them hidden unless I intend to feed. However, there are certain things that can make them come forth of their own accord." He continued to look uneasy.

I found this peculiar but stayed quiet, hoping he would explain further, sadly though he did not. "Does it…do they hurt when they come out?"

When he turned to me again his eyes were bright and his fangs were still bared. I found it frightening but did not dare move. My curiosity was winning the battle against my hesitance. "No, it doesn't hurt me." There was a long pause and he looked me over in a peculiar way. "Do I frighten you, Abigale Lynn?"

Our proximity was close and made the question more intense. I felt my heart skip a beat and wondered why he was asking me this. I swallowed hard. "Yes Sir, you do." He looked crestfallen for a moment before I continued. "But not for the reasons you most likely think."

I watched his fangs recede back into their usual position becoming their smaller but still larger selves.

Fascinating.

"How so then?" He seemed genuinely intrigued and I felt obligated to answer him. After all he answered all my questions thus far.

"You…you are." I cleared my throat and finally brought myself to speak. "You are a man." The Count scoffed lightly, he did not understand what I meant, so I continued. "Men have never been nice to me, Sir. You have been and I like it very much but it troubles me as well."

"We've had a similar conversation before." The Count murmured as though something clicked behind those garnet eyes.

"Yes, it is because it's very true. Men have hurt me, stole from me, and tried having their way with me." I felt myself tremble. It was hard and easy to tell the Count these things; all the same I looked at the blankets, not him as I spoke. "In the end there is always something wanted. And you hold my life in your hands. I fear what you will want from me in the end, Sir. And I'm terribly sorry if my honesty offends you. B-but I know…" I swallowed hard again, and tried my best to make eye contact. "I know I cannot get away from you, should you one day decide to harm me-"

He cut me off by placing a hand on mine. "You've had many great pains in your young life." He thought aloud. "It hurts me to know that I am one of them, despite you not thinking so. But you needn't worry so much around me, Abigale Lynn. I want to help you. If I wished to do you harm, would I not have done so already?" He paused and eyed his bed meaningfully. "Would this not be the ideal place to do so? Whatever my dark desires toward you were?"

"But that is what troubles me, Sir." I shifted uncomfortably. "Why haven't you?"

He shook his head. "Because I earnestly wish to be your friend, Abigale Lynn." He looked pained then for a fleeting second. "I wish to just be your friend more than you could possibly know."

XXXX

She had calmed down shortly after. Shock was just registering from her attack and all her other fears were bubbling to the surface. Janus desperately wanted to bring her more comfort. "Ask me another question." He near implored, anything to get her mind off of the nights events and her obvious fear of him.

"Um," She made a little face as she thought. "Do you eat food?"

"That is another one that is difficult to explain. But yes and no." She waited patiently for him to continue so he did just that. "If I or any other vampire feeds off of the living for quite a while our bodies better mimic the mortal life. You see, half of being a vampire is simply blending in, the more you feed the easier to do so."

"If I were to drink from the living for let's say…three days, I would be able to partake in a feast and process it just as the human body does. It is a delicate combination of science and magic. However, if I haven't fed in a long while off the living and eat actual food it would quite literally rot inside me and make its way out quickly."

The Count shuddered at a vivid memory of old boar meat, soaked in the fresh blood of his victim, working its way up and out of his stomach through his throat. "It is highly unpleasant."

That made her smile and made the memory worth reliving. "What about the Sun, Sir? Can you be out in it?"

Janus nodded. "Just like food, if I am well-nourished from fresh lifeblood, I can walk in the Sun. But only for a brief time of course."

She smiled again at him. "I am very happy to hear that you can Sir." Janus saw that she was growing tired and dawn was near approaching. But she seemed adamant on gaining as much information from him as possible before she fell asleep. "Can I ask you another question, Sir?" She placed a lock of hair behind her ear. "It's more personal."

The Count smiled. "I told you, ask me whatever crosses your mind."

Abigale Lynn looked hesitant for a moment but asked him regardless. "What is marriage like?"

Of all the things…

Janus went rigid and turned away from her. He looked down at the golden band on his finger. He had been expecting another question about vampirism, not a question like that. He stared angrily at the far wall. "I'm sorry Sir! I-I never asked. Please don't be angry with me." Abigale Lynn easily registered his change in demeanor and begged in a near frantic whisper.

The Count grimaced and let out a mirthless laugh. "No, no…don't be sorry. I told you to ask me anything, so I shall answer."

xxxx

I felt horrible for asking such a question but I had just been genuinely curious. I would never be married so I wanted to know what it was like. I did not expect such a reaction from someone whose loved one passed over fifty years ago. He looked as though it was still an open wound that I had unintentionally torn open. And he was angry, so very angry but was greatly trying to suppress it.

He laughed then and it was cold and there was no humor in it. His body loosened slightly as he spoke. "No, no…don't be sorry. I told you to ask me anything, so I shall answer." And then he turned to me and I froze. He looked at me coolly yet dangerously. His gaze sweeping over my face as he looked down on me. "Marriage is torture."

I did not want him to continue but he did. "Marriage is a pretty word. It means two people are to share everything together; every moment, struggle, and triumph. It means that they are to face the world hand in hand, come what may." He leaned closer to me then and I dared not move back. "But hear me when I say: It. Is. Farce. It means nothing if only one commits."

He gave me space again and I found that I was holding my breath. I also realized the Count was still very hurt over the loss of his wife. "I'm sorry." I said quietly as he looked me over again.

"Do not confuse my rage. It is not directed at you Abigale Lynn." He ran a hand over his face and looked so drained and tired then. He unlaced his vest and tossed it aside. "There is so much pain in marriage that I can't recall much good." The Count sighed and then startled me greatly by lying on the bed next to me. I did not move but sat there stiff and awkward as I tried frantically not to look at the man who was in the same bed as me. Of course he was simply laying clothed and on top of the covers but all the same it was so improper –

"Abigale Lynn," The Count sighed. He had one arm draped over his face so I could not directly meet his gaze. But to my despair he moved it slightly to peer at me with a cocked brow. The corner of his mouth twitched upward. "It's my bed."

"Y-yes. Yes it is Sir. It is your bed. Sh-Sh-Shall I leave it?"

He chuckled and this time there was some mirth in it. "I am not going to eat you."

"That is good to hear, Sir." I heard myself squeak rather than say.

"You've brought me to this lowly state. You have only yourself to blame for your discomfort this time…I needed to lie down. So do you want to hear about my marriage or not?" I could not bring myself to look at him as he lay there beside me. The bed was large so I was a great distance away. But all the same I had never shared a bed with a man before. Not even a clothed tired man. I felt out of my element.

"You do not have to—"

"My marriage was arranged when I was a young man." The Count said so bluntly that it shocked me. "I was the only son and child of my parents, so ultimately I was the sole heir of Skingrad. My mother went barren shortly after my birth, so they were quick about engagement for me." He closed his eyes and his brows knitted together. "As you can imagine I was less than pleased about this. I was young and enjoying my schooling, women, and adventuring. I did not want to be married but I obeyed. So then there came this girl…"

The Count stopped speaking for a moment and I wondered if he would go on, but he did. "I did not like her." He snorted. "She was too tall and too thin and she held her head too high. But she was to be my bride. Though she did not like me either, said I was arrogant and ungrateful if you can imagine."

He smiled then and it made me smile a little too. "She eventually came to her senses…and I to mine and we fell in love. We did have wonderful happy years together. But within those years a child never came. And after decades we thought it was impossible." His smile fell then and he looked like he was confused or lost. "Then while on a trip to Kvatch my wife finds herself pregnant with our child. A miracle, the healer said. So we came home…or rather we tried to." The Count swallowed hard and stared up at the canopy, but was not focused on it. "While on the road we were ambushed at night by a large nest of vampires. There were many. They killed all my guards but one, and my wife and I were infected."

He sat up on the edge of the bed then. His shoulders were low. My stomach sank at what he was telling me. I did not want him to continue but he did. "We made it back to the Castle but it was too late. We had turned shortly after. It drove my wife into madness. She thought we were demons and refused to feed. But because our child had been conceived while we were both living it had survived inside her." His fists clenched then. "She remedied that by not feeding herself. She 'tried' to. But it was never enough. She miscarried one week after the attack. She had starved our unborn to death and then herself."

He let out a long heavy sigh. I could see the hurt in those faraway eyes. He had lost everything. My own eyes began to burn with unshed tears and I wished I could take his pain away. "I am so sorry." I said quietly. I wanted to touch him. Hesitantly, I placed my hand on his shoulder. He could scold me if he liked but I hurt for him as Tualga had hurt for me. "I am so very sorry, Sir."

I was surprised to feel his hand reach up and touch mine. "I tell you this Abigale Lynn because every marriage is different. I accepted our change and knew we could make it together. So long as we had each other it would turn out alright. She couldn't do the same for me. It was against all that she stood for. She chose to die rather than face eternity with her husband…She should have never said her vows to me. Nor I to her. For if she loved me as I did her, she would be here now with grandchildren playing at her feet."

His eyes closed. "Abigale Lynn, I beg of you…if you ever marry never give half. Give it all or say no." I nodded to him though I knew I would never marry. "And if you are ever with child understand that your body is no longer your own. The child must prevail." Again I nodded but this time it hurt a little to do so.

"You don't need to worry about me, Sir. Or the man and child you fear I shall hurt." I squeezed his hand a little tighter. "I will never marry and I will never carry a child."

The Count shook his head. "You needn't make such somber promises to me Abigale Lynn."

"But they are not Sir, they are truths." He looked at me then still sad and now a little confused. "I am to stay here for the rest of my life. And I am very happy with that command, especially after tonight. So I doubt that I'll ever marry." I tried to force a smile. "And should a man find me here and we…you know, I shall never conceive a child, for I am barren."

Again the Count shook his head. "What makes you think that? You are so very young."

Once more I tried to smile but it was a sad one. "Being homeless and malnourished for so long can do it to you. And it indeed did it to me. I will not have any children. I have accepted it."

"I am truly sorry." The Count murmured.

"Do not be, Sir. I have others whom I care for to worry about. Like you."

Authors Notes: This chapter gave me a terrible case of the FEELS. That is all!