Author's Notes: Hello! Sorry for the delay on this chapter. It's that time of year again and like most I hardly have time to write (never mind think! Ugh!) XD. This chapter is a bit of filler for the next, so the Count is hardly in this one, he should be taking up the majority of Chapter Thirty-seven.

On another note, DEAR HOLY CHEEZ-IT I REACHED OVER 300 REVIEWS?! Thank you all so much! I never would have dreamed that this story would gain such a following. Every review makes me ridiculously happy! Let's see if we can get to 400 before this story ends! XDXD

Love or Blood

Chapter Thirty-six: Process

xxxx

I woke up in a fit of panic, in an unknown but somehow familiar room. I had pitched myself half-off of the bed that I had been placed in and proceeded to vomit onto the stone floor. Then the Stewardess and Tualga's presence registered in my fractured mind. They comforted me, cleaned me up some more and drew me a hot bath.

Apparently the room I was currently in belonged to me. The Count had wished it and so it was done.

"D-do I have to stay here?" I asked with chattering teeth. My body continued to tremble at the horrific images of my experience. It confused me so. I sat in the bed as the smell of soap and steam filled the air. A large ornate tub had been brought into my room and was being filled. "I don't want him so c-close."

"I'm afraid the Count wants you to reside here now, Abigale Lynn. There is nothing I can do about it. But don't you worry; Tualga and I will stay and watch over you as long as we need to." The Stewardess offered. I was not in any way soothed.

I looked away toward the tub. "He attacked me." I murmured to myself. "Am I to be in some sort of new imprisonment now? Will he come after me daily?" I thought of everything that had happened. The anger, the attack, the abandonment and then the Prince - but had that last part been a horrifying dream due to vampirism? My body shuddered again and I leaned forward, dry heaving, shock and fear swam through me like poison.

"You most certainly will not." The Stewardess said as she began to rub my back. "He is…he's better now. His senses have come back to him. Though I am not entirely sure just how much sense he had to begin with."

I felt my nostrils flare from anger and I steadied and righted myself. My brow furrowed. "I was dead! He killed me!" I snapped. "What is to happen now?! How am I to serve a monster like that?!"

Hal-Liurz was quiet for a moment, then sighed and shook her head. "He did not kill you Abigale. We don't know what happened." The Stewardess looked uncomfortable but she pressed on. "You were recovering. We had just moved you into this room when…well your body…"

"You stopped breathing." Tualga said quietly as she readied some linen. She wiped the tears forming at the corners of her eyes with her apron. "You were gone. There was no life in you."

"We all panicked and the Count came running. Shum kept him at bay the best he could while I worked on resuscitating you." The Stewardess continued. "But you suddenly came to on your own. But your body was convulsing terribly. Tualga held you down to keep you from hurting yourself further. Once you settled your heart regulated and you started breathing again."

I listened intently to them both, finding my death morbidly interesting. "Then you just kept on sleeping. The Stewardess was afraid she had given you too many herbs but that wasn't it at all."

"It was not the herbs. I had to be sure so I triple checked." Hal-Liurz agreed. "It all might have been trauma from the incident, Abigale...even that seems unlikely. In any case, it was not the Count that killed you. We can both assure you that."

I let all that they had told me absorb. So I had died some magical death? I did not want to believe it. The Count had drained my blood and left me in a closet to die. "You are defending him?" I asked and my own demanding tone was foreign to my ears. "You believe it was not his actions that caused my death?" I turned to the Stewardess with narrowed eyes. "Then what was it?"

Hal-Liurz went to shake her head. I was so appalled by the action that I jumped up and stood before her fuming. "How dare you defend him?! He killed me! I was dead by his hand! I know it was him and neither of you can convince me otherwise!" I clenched my teeth and scratched my shoulder. My body felt tense and angry. So very angry.

"Lynn, you weren't here, hon. How can you be so sure that –"

"Look at these!" I screeched, pulling my hair back to reveal two little holes in my neck. I was inflamed by wrath. How could they not believe me? "I wasn't 'here' because he sent me to Oblivion!"

"Tualga, no more talking. Go fetch Abigale something to eat now." The Stewardess commanded as she too stood. "Abigale get into the tub. Your body needs the heat."

xxxx

I sat in the large steamy basin scratching my shoulder whilst fuming internally. I thought of everything. Every horrible action that had taken place over the course of the evening. No matter how hard I scrubbed my skin I still felt the filth of betrayal clinging to me.

My heart wanted to ache but I tried my best to stifle it with rage. My mind traveled further back to distant memories: my odd childhood, my isolated upbringing by my father and my objectification at the hands of my mother; then her alcoholism and my sister's absence, both turning me into some sort of house slave. I raised children despite being a child myself; my father saw this and tried desperately to find me a husband. He wanted to send me away before I succumbed to my mother's wishes. She wanted me to be some whore, some despicable priestess who did nothing but seek pleasure in the most wanton ways. She never did bat a lash at my practical molestation at the hands of some 'family friend'.

I did not want that, I did not want any of it, so I ran away. I began a life of running. I was regularly beaten and robbed. Men tried to force themselves upon me more times that I could count. I was thrown in jail. I was even imprisoned by some deluded Dunmer. Then I ended up here in Castle Skingrad, to serve a vampiric Count until the day I died. Oddly enough I had started to really enjoy life for the first time. I did not feel objectified or worthless. I had meaning and felt happy. Happiness was strange…

Then I met Lucien Lachance. A man so mad and twisted that he had killed another man that I disliked. Not to mention his violation of my person as well. Now he sends me letters and begs to court me, like I am some maiden to be wooed and he a gentlemen. It disgusts me.

The only person though who I came to truly enjoy had been the Count. For the first time since childhood I had a friend. He was odd, as was I, but his heart was kind. We steadily built a friendship based on mutual understanding. And then that understanding ended. All was tossed to the wind in a flourish and I was left dumb.

I don't know what had caused me to trust this man so. He was a vampire after all and when I had first met him I had stolen from him. He had hated me, he wanted me to die. I still don't know why he had changed his mind but up until now I was grateful for it.

It made me wonder if this was some sort of divine hoax. The only man to treat me like a person hurt me in more ways than I ever thought was possible. Was it all some sort of mental manipulation on his part? Perhaps I had some worth and he knew it. "Was this his plan all along?" I grunted as I splashed at the water hatefully.

"Hmm?" The Stewardess turned to me while setting out some fine bedclothes. Apparently buying me pretty things was going to make this all better. "Did you say something?"

"No." I mumbled, giving myself a final rinse, trying now to pull myself out of my current quagmire of sadness. All my mind wanted to do was dwell on every terrible memory I had. The happy times in my life were fleeting and disappointing on a grand scale. If another looked at my life they would surely scrutinize and find it barren. Worthless.

"Well give that scratch on your back another good scrub before you get out. It looks angry. You must have done it to yourself during your fit." The Stewardess said firmly. She was looking out for my benefit and she had saved me. I wasn't sure why I did not feel as grateful as I should. As depressing as my life was it was mine. I should thank her…but I could not.

At the mention of the scratch on my shoulder my senses heightened again. "Yes." I murmured. I had wished that my trip to Oblivion had been some terrible nightmare but when the Stewardess had pointed out my wound earlier, I was forced to face the truth. It was just another awful occurrence that piled onto my existence. I did not want to think about it.

The steamy bathwater caught my eye and I found myself mesmerized by it. I felt like a small billow of steam, gently whispering off the edges of the tub to only disappear. Never tall, never tangible, just there and then gone.

The Stewardess approached me with a towel that I reluctantly expected. I stood and stepped out of the tub, letting the night air hit my naked body before drying. The cold reminded me of the cold of Oblivion. The Daedric Prince Molag Bal…I thought of his words too, but not of him. My mind could not handle what had happened there. All I could do was replay his words whilst envisioning something mundane like a candlestick.

'A burn on the face of a Goddess' He had said to me. He spoke of Dibella with much contempt. It had dripped from his words like saliva from his maw. But in this I hardly found a resemblance between me and Dibella, though he said she had cursed or 'blessed' me. It was hard to grasp but I felt that maybe, maybe there was some truth to it, as much as I did not want it to be so. I did not think the Daedric Prince was lying to me. There are thousands of women on Nirn so why seek me out? Why waste that energy if I was not special?

It also lead me to the deal that we had struck. If the Count ever attacks me again I will somehow belong to Molag Bal. How was I to fix this? Was it possible for me to leave Castle Skingrad?

"Abigale you should get dressed. Just lie down and relax." The Stewardess suggested gently, slightly pulling me from my stupor. I did as told and put the fine nightdress on and slowly laid down. The clothes felt too rich and the bed much too soft but all hardly registered as I thought desperately how to work my way out of an otherworldly deal.

I tried to get comfortable as I gazed around the room. It was beautiful, with rich dark furniture and ornate green and gold fabrics. It was very expensive décor, but I still felt like a prisoner, now more than ever.

The Stewardess left after draining and placing the tub back in its rightful place. I watched mutely as she exited the room. Moments after her absence Tualga arrived with a bowl of stew and several slices of bread. She tried to smile at me and I her, but both our looks mirrored our current stress filled minds. I was not hungry but I still ate, if only to keep my hands and mind busy. Tualga made several attempts at conversation but I could not register her words. I think she understood that.

Once finished, Tualga took my tray and pulled back the covers of the bed. She gestured for me to lay down and I did so. She pulled the covers up to my chin and spoke soothingly. I wasn't tired but I closed my eyes. They ached along with the rest of my body. My shoulder burned and my neck throbbed painfully. Several times I nearly wept, instead I blinked back my tears and bit my split lip to keep them at bay. Crying would not fix my current issues, nor would it make me feel any better.

Eventually and thankfully I fell asleep.

XXXX

The Stewardess entered the Count's room with rigid posture and a malicious gleam in her eye. She observed the man before her. He looked the destitute fool, the hapless victim of a terrible crime, the miserable sod at the end of his rope. Hal-Liurz harbored no pity for the man, it was quite the opposite. However, her duties as Stewardess demanded her to see to both parties at the heart of this catastrophe. She never was able to give her papers of resignation in…

"How do you fare, my Lord?" She asked bitterly. The Count, who had been too busy moping over something in his desk, startled at the sight of Hal-Liurz. He jumped, and for a moment seemed struck dumb. Finally, upon registering his Stewardess, he made his way over to her hastily.

"Where is Abigale Lynn? Why has she not been brought to me? I know she was awake, I heard her! I need to see her!" He rambled, causing Hal-Liurz upper lip to pull back dangerously over her many pointed teeth.

"She doesn't want to see you." She snapped. "What you put her through…There are no words. It will take a lifetime to heal the wounds you have inflicted. You should be happy that she has not attempted to drown herself in the bathwater! By the Gods, if you had seen her face! –"

"Let me see her," Janus quickly interjected. "I need to mend all this! I-I I will somehow fix what I have done! I need to speak with her. I just need to hear her voice, whether it be a angered shout or hateful slur…I need to see her." He begged, which the Stewardess very much liked, as it was so unlike the prideful man she had known.

He deserved his current mental struggle. He deserved any and all hateful things Abigale Lynn could conjure up. Truth be told the Stewardess wanted to take the girl away from Castle Skingrad. They could retire together and move far from the Count and all his ilk. Sadly, Hal-Liurz knew Abigale Lynn would not be entirely onboard with her scheme. If she could convince her to leave – which she doubted very much – then they would always be looking over their shoulders for Janus Hassildor. The Stewardess knew he would never allow such thing. Or if he reluctantly did, he would eventually regret it and perhaps come after the two.

No…no it was all for not. The Stewardess sighed at the Count's continuous begging. She knew deep down that the only resolution was to reunite the Count and his Servant. Although she feared for Abigale Lynn she was not blinded by her rage and made ignorant in the ways of vampires. Janus Hassildor made a meal out of the girl, but there was much affection – disturbingly misguided affection – to bring a small comfort to the Stewardess. He would not harm her again. She felt it in her bones to be true. He had failed himself, he had made a most grievous mistake, he had hurt the one he cared most deeply for and he wished to somehow make amends.

"Hal-Liurz, I beg of you… You have always been by my side, you have seen me through my darkest hours, and now I am in need of you again. She – Abigale Lynn, she means the world to me… I cannot go any longer without seeing her. I need to know that she is alright. I need to make everything alright. And even if it can never be…I have to know. Please, I have to know. Let me see her, please."

The Stewardess sighed and eyed the Count for a moment. "She sleeps. When she wakes I shall tell her that you want to see her. We will go from there."

The Count looked a small bit relieved and he nodded graciously. "Yes. Yes, thank you. Thank you, Hal-Liurz." The Stewardess only grunted in reply and left the room.

xxxx

My slumber was peaceful; I was gently lulled into dreamless sleep where I was not hindered by worries. Sadly the time was brief as I awoke several hours later. It was much too soon.

My mind was still fresh from all the recent horrors that ailed me. I looked around the still unfamiliar room without lifting my head from the pillow. My chest was heavy with sadness and betrayal. I found it hard to breath.

I then noticed Tualga asleep in a chair off in the opposite corner of the room. Instead of being comforted by her presence I was slightly irritated. It irked me to see another sleep so soundly, especially when said other was supposed to be watching over me.

I shunned my vexed mood knowing that none of my anger should be wasted on a friend. With a long and tired sigh, I stared up at the golden canopy. I wondered how long I was to be kept prisoner in the Count's manor. He already owned me; I found my current confinement comical as well as insulting. I felt a part of the room. I was just another tapestry on the wall, rug on the floor, or unlit candle. He possessed me and could place me as he saw fit.

Thinking on the Count turned my stomach sour. I rolled over in the bed and curled myself into a little ball. I thought about just staying hidden in the covers for the rest of my days. I did not want to face anyone…because everyone was right. Even those who did not know of his disease teased me and whispered about him using my body. I had stupidly ignored all. Although he was not doing exactly what they all thought, he had still used me. And worse still, I had those dreadful images that Molag Bal had painted of him in my mind.

Were they true? Did the Daedric Prince lie just to repulse me? Probably, but I could not shake the thoughts.

And then there was the deal that I had made with the Daedra. I knew sooner or later I was going to be forced to see the Count. How could I be sure that he would not hurt me again? Moreover, how could I prevent it from happening?

My heart felt sick knowing that I could do nothing. I was as powerless as the Prince had said so. The deal was an impossible one. How could I keep a vampire who holds me captive and wants my blood at bay?

I put my palms to my face and pressed hard until my eyes grew sore. I saw no way out, what good were my eyes? What good was my weak body against a vampire? How could I outsmart a Daedra? Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes but I refused to shed them. I had to think. I had to somehow rationalize everything. I had to collect all my thoughts and what little cunning I had with them. There had to be something that I could do to safe myself.

A small part of me beseeched the idea of prayer but I was too scorned to give the thought time. Another part of me wanted to give in. How bad could becoming a Daughter of Coldharbor be? Molag Bal wanted me, he would insure my survival in his tasks…

My healing shoulder began to burn and I quickly shook those self-loathing driven thoughts away.

I was left with nothing. I had no pawns or people whom I could call friend outside of the Castle. There was no one out there to save me.

Although there was the thought of Lucien Lachance…he did want me to meet him somewhere. Maybe I could somehow convince him to take me with him, or just far away from Skingrad would be fine. And he was Dark Brotherhood so I knew it would be easy for him…then again, I knew the price I would have to pay. I had no gold but I knew he wouldn't be interested in it even if I did. He would want me, as he told me he did, and I just could not do that.

He was handsome, yes. And he was strong too. Perhaps he could keep me safe. But it would be at the price of whoring myself out to him. And if he ever caught wind of my virginity I would probably be doomed. I had the terrible feeling that if he took that he would not let me go. Then I would be in the same boat that I am now.

Not to mention he is absolutely crazed. He could bed me and then kill me.

I felt so trapped and alone. The loneliness was maddening. I had thought that the Count wanted me as a companion. It was so long ago now that he told me I would never be his 'private blood source'. He looked me in the eyes and promised to never hurt me. He took my hands and promised me that he would be kind forever. Now I was forever to be his slave and his food.

Then it hit me like a theoretical bolt of lightning to the mind. I could forever be his slave. I was his willing slave. Why not announce to him my willingness? If I proclaimed my consent, I could not be dragged to Oblivion, for it would not be an attack. I will have said yes to it.

A strange relief and nervousness washed over me then. It could work but it would not be pleasant. I was unsure of how the Count currently felt towards me but I hoped I could appeal to his goodwill. He owed me this. I was giving myself to him every night. Allowing him to drink from me however he pleased. I just needed him to agree with it.

Author's Notes: Sucky chapter is sucky but it had to be so. Need to set the stage for the next one. See ya! 8D