WHTMT - chapter 21

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The next few days were absolute torture for Lee. Being with the woman he'd loved for over a year, working with her, spending leisure time with her, sleeping with her body pressed close against his, and yet being able to do nothing but return to that platonic friendship they'd shared. There wasn't even any flirting going on the way there used to be. It may have been good for Kara, but it was killing Lee.

He'd woken up that morning with an erection the size of a viper and had hurried off to the shower before she came fully awake and noticed. He'd been dreaming of her - of them - and had just about gotten to the good part when the general alarm signaling the beginning of the day shift had gone off. Even after spending a full minute under the cold spray he hadn't been able to get himself under control so he'd turned the water to hot and finished off the job, allowing his waking thoughts to continue what his subconscious thoughts had started. He moaned softly as he imagined the ecstasy he would be feeling if it was her he was inside of instead of his cupped hand.

He wondered, as he washed himself, whether or not this would happen again, and if so, what would happen if he wasn't interrupted? Bad enough for him to finish in bed with her and have her know what kind of dream he was dreaming, but what if unconsciously he were to touch her, caress her - let her know that she was the one who was causing these desires in him?

He sighed and stepped out of the shower, resolving to try harder to keep her out of his mind. Difficult though, when she was everywhere. Her scent was on everything he touched and smelled - on his pillow, in his room, on his clothes - even in the shower. His conscious mind might be able to fight it but obviously his unconscious mind was having a harder time.

She it seemed, was blissfully unaware of his turmoil. She was fitting in as though she'd never left, even though much of the crew was new to her - transfers from the Pegasus. Lee had to admit Kara was making his job much easier. She may have joked about it but she made a lot of the paperwork disappear like magic, and she was certainly a fine teacher. There were many new recruits and Lee and Kara complemented each other - Kara teaching theory in the classroom, Lee leading them in practice. It was pretty much the only place they weren't together and the only time Lee had to focus enough on something else that he could forget about her for a few hours. Almost anyway - he may have had to work hard with the nuggets but out there he could hardly help but think of Apollo and Starbuck - the king and queen who'd once owned the sky. He missed flying with her, even when she did things that scared the frak out of him.

It ended up being a long afternoon. He'd put two classes of nuggets through their paces and done a CAP shift for a sick pilot as well as his own. Nine hours in the cockpit altogether and he was exhausted. He stripped off his flightsuit and headed to the bathroom to wash up before getting started on the report he owed his father in the morning. It was already after 2200hrs and he was beat; tempted to hit the sack and get up early to write it. But Lee, being the conscientious person he was, sat down at his desk to begin, glancing over at the bump in the bed and feeling a quick stab of envy that she was able to sleep already.

The report was already written. He blinked and looked again - yes, it was done and ready to be handed in, in Kara's slightly messy though still readable script.

He smiled as he stripped down to his underwear and climbed into bed. He tried to be as still as possible and not disturb the covers, but Kara rolled over and looked at him.

"Took you long enough to get here," she teased, but the look in her eyes was one of disquiet. She'd obviously been waiting for him to come before she fell asleep.

"Sorry - busy day." He smiled. "Thanks for writing up that report. You didn't have to do that for me."

She shrugged. "Nothing better to do, and you were busy."

"Well thank you anyway." He brushed a strand of hair off her cheek. "It made my night."

"Glad to hear it. Now would you stop yakking and let me get to sleep?" she feigned crankiness.

"Of course, of course, sorry," he apologized, still grinning.

She rolled over again and flinched.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned.

"Kink in my shoulder."

"Sit up and I'll massage it out for you," he offered.

She half-turned to face him. "You don't have to do that."

"I owe you one - for the report."

"Right, that. Well, okay, if you're sure."

Lee sat up and waited. She gave him an appraising look to see if he was serious then pushed herself up to a sitting position - something that was getting harder and harder as her belly took up more space.

His hands on her shoulders felt like magic. She groaned and leaned back into it as he dug his thumbs in, flinching again as he found the kink. He worked it slowly, gently at first then dug deeper and massaged all around it till everything was loose again.

He kept at it though, moving all around her back and loosening up sore muscles everywhere. She began to feel warm and wet at her centre as he leaned in and breathed on the back of her neck, making the hairs stand on end.

Lee struggled to control his breathing as the feel of her body under his hands drove him crazy with desire. Unconsciously he leaned closer and breathed her scent in deeply, all tiredness forgotten. His hands slid from her shoulders down her upper arms, stopping as he felt the goosebumps rise. He leaned in just enough to brush his lips along the back of her neck, letting his tongue slide beneath them to lick her warm skin. She jumped at the contact, electricity flowing through her, causing every nerve to be on edge. Her nipples peaked as she stiffened.

"Lee," she breathed, panting slightly.

He pulled back as if suddenly aware of what he was doing and let go of her. She immediately moved away and turned to face him, eyes wide and full of shock.

"What are you doing?" she asked softly, sounding as though she couldn't believe what had just happened.

"I ... I uh ... I'm sorry," he said, eyes downcast. "I'm not sure what came over me." He stood up and walked across the room, grabbing his clothes off the couch on his way by.

"Lee," she called after him quietly. He stopped but didn't turn around.

"Don't go," she pleaded.

Lee's shoulders tensed and he gave a big sigh. "Kara," he said, turning around, "I just ... I don't know ... I can't do this." Frustration was evident on every line of his face.

"Can't do what?" she whispered.

"Can't do this," he answered, motioning between them. "I can't be this close to you and not ..."

"Not what?" she pushed, crossing her arms over her belly as if to keep the butterflies that were suddenly fluttering around in there at bay.

"Don't you know yet?" Lee said, walking towards her. "Have you no idea how I feel?"

They stared at one another for a moment before she answered, eyes searching deeply.

"Tell me."

Lee sighed. It was now or never. He'd wanted to tell her the truth for so long - as long as he'd known her actually - but the words had never come out right. Facing Kara was a daunting thing at the best of times, but telling her something intensely emotional and personal? Something she might not want to hear? He'd never been able to bring himself to do it.

"I love you." Her eyes widened. "I love you Kara. Gods help me, I know I shouldn't but I do." His eyes were a deep, dark blue - unfathomable to her gaze.

He sat on the bed next to her and looked down. "I'm sorry I kissed you - I shouldn't have let myself ..."

"Don't be sorry," she interrupted.

His eyes lifted to meet hers, now clouded with confusion.

A solitary tear wound it's way down her cheek. "I don't ... I mean, I do care, I just ..."

"You do?" Lee interjected hopefully.

Kara got up and began pacing the room. "I do, it's just ..."

"You don't want more." His face fell.

She came to stand before him. Now was the time for complete honesty - no more lies and assumptions.

"There was a time when that was all I wanted," she began in a small voice, "but things didn't work out and I moved on."

"With Anders," he said flatly.

She gave him a level stare. "He made it clear how he felt about me."

"And I didn't."

"I wish you would have ... but I wasn't willing to wait for you to get your head put on straight," she admitted. "Sometimes you seemed to care, sometimes you didn't, sometimes I thought you loved me, sometimes I thought you hated me," she shrugged. "I just couldn't live like that."

He looked up at her sadly. "I shouldn't have done that to you."

Her eyes roamed around the room apologetically. "It wasn't just your fault. We've both been masters at hurting each other and never telling each other the truth."

He stood up to meet her face to face. "So now it's time?"

She nodded.

"I care for you, you care for me. The past doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is we're together again." His voice was soft and loving and he took her hands in his as he spoke. He leaned in close enough that she could smell the mint on his breath. Then he closed his eyes and brushed his lips against hers softly, invitingly.

At first she responded, his words and touch mesmerizing her. She leaned in and pressed harder, opening her mouth slightly to allow his tongue to tease hers. The rush that went through her caused tingles from the roots of her hair right down to her toes. Then she pulled away. Lee held her hands tighter, eyes opening as he felt her try to escape.

"Lee ... no ..." she whispered, trying to free herself but he held firm.

"Kara ..." he began, bewildered at her sudden change of heart.

"Please," she begged, "I can't." And she pulled their joined hands up to his chest and pushed him away.

The memories came flooding back like a tidal wave and Lee let go of her, stepping back quickly.

"So it's like that? You still don't want me?" The hurt look in his eyes was tenfold what it had been the last time she'd pushed him away in the middle of a passionate encounter.

"I do," she whispered. "I do want this. I do want you ... I just can't. Not yet." Her eyes filled with tears and for once she didn't try to hold them back and be strong.

Lee's heart broke, both from sadness at the look in them, and from happiness that he'd finally broken through her walls and gotten her to trust him enough to open up.

His jaw quivered. "It's too soon?"

She nodded, biting her bottom lip. "I'm not sure I'm ready to let him go yet." The tears flowed down her cheeks and Lee cupped her face, wiping them away with his thumbs.

"It's okay. I understand," he said softly, placing a chaste kiss on her forehead.

She leaned forward suddenly and buried her face in his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. He threw his arms around her and a few tears escaped his eyes as well as he let his head rest on hers, eyes closing.

"Don't worry Kara honey," he whispered eventually. "I'll be here. No matter how long it takes, I'll be here."

TBC