Author's Notes: I was somehow magically able to finish this chapter MUCH sooner than expected. Probably because I hacked the last chapter up and turned it into filler for this. ANYWHO, I would really appreciate feedback for this lil' instalment. I've never written character dialog like this before. Apologies are difficult in reality…so yeah, this was pretty difficult! XD Again, R&R is appreciated! Enjoy or Hate!

Love or Blood

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Fabled Forgiveness

xxxx

My musings were cut short once Hal-Liurz entered the room. She seemed surprised to see me awake despite being tucked in bed. Her expression contorted some, like she had something to say but wasn't sure how to put it to words. She glanced around the room then pulled an empty chair to my bedside. I shifted slightly to face her. I knew that she had just seen the Count, I could tell by the look on her face. There was no doubt in my mind that she was to deliver some sort of message from him to me. I was waiting for it, but I was still not ready for it.

"Abigale," She began calmly. "I know you won't like this, but I have spoken to the Count a few moments ago." She stopped and gauged my reaction. Upon seeing none, she continued. "He wishes to see you. He feels…The stupid man regrets everything that happened with every fiber of his stupid being. I promised him I would tell you that he wishes to make amends. However, if you do not want to see him, you shall be in no way forced to do so."

I nodded slowly to the Stewardess and then looked away. I bit my lip in thought. Despite knowing that this was going to be the topic of our conversation I was still uncertain of how it all would play out. Of course I did not want to see the Count but I knew I had to reconcile with him. I had no other choice. I had to 'forgive' him and grant him access to my blood whenever he wished it. It was the only way that I could protect myself from the dealings of a Daedric Prince. If I gave the Count my unwavering consent then I will have freed myself from one problem.

But the thought of the Count placing his hands on me made me shudder and think of pain. The looming threat of him hurting me – which will be inevitable once he accepts my offer – made my insides writhe. I would have to relive that terrible pain again and again as he so wished. It was nightmarish. However, I had experienced something much more tortures then the sting of his fangs, and that was my trip to Oblivion itself. The sooner I saw the Count the sooner I could rest easier, if only slightly. But as of now the smallest margin of relief was worth my reluctance to be in his presence.

"I'm ready to see him." I said to the Stewardess quietly. She blinked in confusion, obviously expecting a refusal from me. "I think it will be best to just end this." I swallowed hard, finding my own misuse of words discomforting.

"Are you certain? He can wait if you are not yet ready." Hal-Liurz seemed almost as hesitant as me in this matter. Somehow I was able to keep a stiff upper lip and nod to her. Without speaking further, I pulled the blankets off of my person and stood from the bed. The Stewardess looked a little worried by my actions. "Alright you seem…ready enough. Come, let's get you dressed."

"No thank you." I said as steadily as I could. Truth be told I did not think I could stand and dress myself. In the time it would take to put on proper clothes I would rethink my strategy or loose what little confidence I had. "I will go like this. He has seen me in worse."

Hal-Liurz opened her mouth to protest but quickly shut it and stood with me. "That's fine then but at least let me get you a robe and some slippers."

"I'll take the robe but my socks are more than enough, thank you." I answered swiftly. Again, anything that could take more than a minute was not to be done.

The Stewardess opened one of the many wardrobes and pulled forth another beautiful garment. It was a soft robe made of dark burgundy cloth. I quickly wrapped it around myself once she handed it to me, finding it slightly odd as she assisted in my dressing. I tied the sash quickly and stepped away from her, mumbling a thank you. Perhaps this new treatment was done from compassion, or perhaps it was ordered by the Count himself. Either way I was not used to it and did not care for it much.

We exited the room leaving a sleeping Tualga in our wake and made way for the Count's bedchamber. My stomach turned unsettled in the brief time it took us to get there. I had the ties of my robe's sash knotted and twisted around my hands, which I hastily undone once we approached the Count's door. "You are positive that you are ready to see him Abigale?" Hal-Liurz questioned softly. I gave a mute nod and held my breath as the Stewardess went to knock. The door was freighting to me now. It was an ominous and cruel thing that had witnessed all the Count's wrongdoings, and yet I was made to look upon it again as I was to the Count himself.

*Clack, clack, clack*

Without waiting for a response after knocking, the Stewardess abruptly pushed the door open. I swallowed hard and trailed behind her, my arms pinned to my sides all the while, accentuating my rigid posture. As we passed the threshold I felt my heart begin to hammer in my chest. My eyes swept across the carpet, remembering all too vividly my scarring experience, and then to the pillar which I had been pinned against and assaulted upon beforehand.

"My Lord, Abigale Lynn has agreed to see you." Hal-Liurz ground out in the Count's direction. My gaze locked onto his figure looming in the far-off corner by the fireplace. My heart leapt into my throat and for a moment I felt faint. His eyes were on me and they were as wide as saucers, as if he was seeing me for the first time; an apparition made tangible. "Would you like me to stay here with you, Abigale? You needn't be alone with him."

I barely heard the Stewardess speak as I was currently locked into the most uncomfortable stares I had ever known. I took a deep inhale through my nostrils as I steeled myself. "No thank you," I managed despite my currently parched mouth and jittering limbs. "I would like to be alone with the Count…if it is agreeable to him?" I dared not look up as I posed my question to the Count. I could not personally address him as of yet. I was not ready.

"Of course," The Count said quickly. His voice was tight and nervous; I found small pride in that. I watched as his fingers stretched out and gripped the sofa he had been standing next to. "I…I find it most agreeable. Thank you."

The Stewardess furrowed her brow in his direction and turned away from him haughtily. "Well if you change your mind I will be right outside those doors." She gave the Count a brief tilt of the head in acknowledgement and me a quick reassuring pat on the shoulder. I watched her leave while questioning my decision. I said nothing as I watched her tail swish forth from the room, followed by the closing of the doors, then we were alone.

I let out a breath that I did not know I was holding. I turned toward the Count, still keeping myself stiff as a statue, and met his gaze again. His eyes searched me; I felt them almost as one would a caress. I bit my lip and splayed my hands over my stomach. It was as I had done so long ago, a long lost practice now deemed a necessity.

The silence stretched as he continued to look me over. His expression was one of wonderment and apprehension. He did not know how I would react, nor I him, so we stared at each other, both confounded and conflicted at the same time.

After a very long while of me fidgeting and him looking, he spoke. "Abigale Lynn…I do not know what to say to you." His voice, clearly directed at me this time, sent an unfamiliar chill up my spine. I turned my head sharply away from him, feeling scorned now more than ever. I felt he had no right to address me or look upon me, and hearing him speak with his deep voice so full of sorrow made me want to sneer. "I-I have done so much wrong to you. I have done things that I swore I would not. I broke my word, I broke your trust. I know that…I know that I have ruined everything."

I did not want to face him but I did. I said nothing but measured his every word and move with utter contempt.

"I see you now as I have never seen you before." He said, struggling to do so. "There is hatred in your eyes and it is a hatred for me. I deserve it as well as I deserve any of the many hateful things that you wish to inflict upon my person." The Count went quiet then. He bowed his head to me and took a few steps forward. I would have flinched back if I was not so reminded of a dog; he looked like one with its tail between its legs. However I could not control the sudden sweat along my brow, regardless of the chamber's coolness, and his simpering appearance.

The hate in my heart was great indeed and I had only yet realized it once pointed out.

"Abigale Lynn, I am so very sorry…Please," He said so softly that I hardly heard him. "Please speak to me…" His voice trembled and I was startled to see the whites of his eyes so red. I stayed quiet, though out of shock or spite I did not know. "Yell at me, shout at me. Curse my name. Say to me that you wish to drive a stake in my heart." He inched closer as I stepped back. His appearance was looming and desperate, it frightened me. "Strike me, I beg of you. Do something to me, please. Inflict on me this great wrath that you harbor!" His hands were outstretched and I watched aghast as red bloodied tears began to stream down his face. "I am so very sorry! Please, I cannot bear this silence!"

Still I could not speak; I only shook my head at him. I suddenly no longer enjoyed his torment by any measure. I had never seen a man so distraught before. It shook me to my marrow and made it hard to look at him. However, the Count was unpredictable and prone to violent mood swings. Even though I wanted to look away from him I could not. He was untrustworthy in every way, shape and form.

He sobbed and sunk to his knees before me. I gasped at the action and flinched away from him. "Don't leave me alone here…I cannot be alone again. I won't survive the silence."

Then I remembered a select few words he had said to me, along with the harsh and violent tones he used with them. My nostrils flared and I felt tears form again in my eyes. The crazed look upon his face while he had shouted at me was forever burned into my mind. Just thinking on it frightened me still. I parted my bitten lips and readied myself to speak. It was the only thing I knew to say, the only thing that came to me, it mirrored my feelings now and the depth of that was great. "Y-You have taken away my peace of mind," I began shakily, quoting him directly, "My solace, my unbroken silence." The Count looked up from the floor as I spoke, his expression that of a child. Hearing the echo of his own words had paled him more than vampirism could. He was confounded. "T-those were your words, Sir. They were not mine a-and yet they fit me."

Without any warning he grabbed at the hem of my robe and began pleading vehemently. "No! I never wanted your silence, Abigale Lynn! Gods, what a monster I am to have brought us here." He then buried his face into the cloth and wept. His actions left me shaken and dumb. I did not know how I was to speak to him. "I beg for your forgiveness, fully knowing that I am undeserving. Miserable fool that I am I cannot help but to beseech it, even with it out of my reach." He startled me again by wrapping an arm around my caves, bringing me closer to him. In truth his touch made my skin crawl and senses run amuck, but I dared not say a word against him. I took comfort in knowing Hal-Liurz was right outside his doors.

I saw this point though as an opportunity to carry out my plan. I would give him my forgiveness and consent. But knowing that it was now or never made me weep. I could not hold back tears any longer and so I silently cried as he hugged my lower half. I was hurt by this man and yet a small part of me wanted to forgive him…but all that he had done made it nearly impossible to do so, and now I was to pay for his actions for the rest of my life.

With trembling fingers I reached down to him and lightly touched his black and silver hair. My teeth chattered as I allowed my hand to tangle in its tresses, feeling him stiffen at my touch. "Oh Sir," I sniffled, using a free hand to wipe away my tears. "I…I am…I want to forgive you but…" And as he looked up at me with red stained cheeks my heart sank further. He leaned into my hand and closed his eyes. Seeing him lean into me and cling to me so caused me sob. I hated him for what he had done, and perhaps in the long run I could never forgive him, but in that moment I was sorry for it all and I did forgive him. It pained me though that I could never let him truly know that, despite wanting to bellow it at him.

"I would do anything for your touch, Abigale Lynn." He murmured and I could hear the pain underlining in his voice. He took my hand and pressed it to his cheek. "I will never feed again if it grants me your forgiveness. I will happily starve, knowing that you absolve me of all my wrongs to you…and you touch me as you are now. I will die happy, I swear it."

"I do not want you to die," I choked, feeling the smooth and cold flesh of him beneath my warm fingertips. "Nor do I want you to starve. I just want things as they were, Sir…but that cannot be."

"It can!" He proclaimed loudly to me, holding my hand a little tighter. "I swear to you it can! I shall do everything to make this right!" His eyes met mine and I knew he meant the truth, and in the moment he may mean it, but what of several months from now? Would his word still be as powerful and meaningful then? No, although I cared for him deeply with all his faults, I knew that he was just as capable of breaking his word as every living soul on Nirn was. Nothing could be the same again no matter how hard he tried.

"No Sir." I said more forcibly. "Things can't be as they were. I cannot forgive you while always fearing you. I can't look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. Nor can I ask you to let me go, because I don't want to leave you, in spite of everything. My heart lives in Castle Skingrad with you." I paused for a moment to allow all that I had said sink in. It was all the truth but even the truth can be twisted if it is not recognized. All that I had said tonight could never be misconstrued. Everything had to be fully absorbed and understood. "But I think…I think I know a way were we can be close to what we were. B-but it comes at a price."

"Anything," The Count said quickly, squeezing my hand again, "Anything at all!"

"M-my blood," Then all was still and I watched the Count's expressions change. His face went eager to unreadable in a moment. I sucked in my bottom lip as he shook his head. He did not want to understand what I was implying, so I had to clarify. "The only way I won't fear you is b-by knowing that I satisfy your needs. With your thirst sated by me, a willing me, I won't be afraid. It can become routine."

The Count's hands quickly fell from mine but he continued to stare up at me. He shook his head, mouth agape, looking confused and tempted all at the same time. "You…you are asking me to feed on you regularly?" He shook his head again, more violently this time, as though he was trying to banish the thought. "No, no I cannot put you through that again. I-it's too cruel of me."

"It is what I want." I stated boldly, knowing full well that he could listen to my heartbeat and know that I spoke the truth. "This is how I can forgive you. You will no longer be tempted because you have it. I will no longer be afraid because I expect it and consent to it." Again I reached out to touch his hair in attempt to drive my proposal home. "Please Sir. Surely we can do this together. It…it will be strange and painful…but I know that we can get through it together."

There was a very long pause where neither of us spoke. The only sound in the room was my breathing, and it shook in unison with the room's atmosphere. We were both mulling over my words. There were definite pros and cons for either side. I knew that feeding on me would forever guilt him and remind him of his betrayal; maybe that was his price to pay. I would always be pained by his fangs and forced into an uncomfortable and intimate embrace with the only man I had ever looked up to. Perhaps that was my punishment from the Goddess Dibella. I would gladly take the Count's fangs than another man's phallus, so I felt it just.

"I can see why you came to this conclusion. Abigale Lynn, I would do anything for your forgiveness but are you certain that you want this? Is there another way?" He spoke slowly, afraid of spooking me out of any forgiveness at all. "I-I am not certain that this is the best way –"

"It is the only way." I urged, stepping back from him. "This is how I wish to accept the pain of betrayal. If you are not willing to agree with me then perhaps I best go back to the room you have chosen for my confinement." I was being harsh, I would admit to that. I knew he did not want to relive everything any more than I did, but this was his burden to bear, he had attacked me and so he would be punished as I was.

I went to turn away from him when he grabbed my hand. His touch inflicted so many emotions. I only turned my head to him and eyed him from down the bridge of my nose. I was beginning to hate the feelings that he evoked inside me. I wanted to forgive him and hate him. It was hard to do either.

The Count wetted his lips and searched my eyes, seeing that there was no room for argument any longer. He nodded stiffly and I watched the muscles in his neck tighten as he spoke. "I'll do it. I will do whatever it takes to appease you." I felt the wound on my shoulder pang angrily as I turned to face the Count. Someone in another realm was displeased.

"Do I have your word, my Lord?" I asked him carefully, making direct eye contact. He nodded and squeezed my hand tighter.

"Yes."

"Would you…would you stand up please?" And he did so. I almost regretted asking him once his full height was before me again. I inhaled shakily and closed my eyes, allowing my hand to stay in his. "I-I grant you my consent, my Lord. Drink from me whenever you wish. It is always and forever will be allowed and…welcomed." The Count's eyes were hooded as I spoke. He stared down at our conjoined hands and nodded mutely. The pain in my shoulder continued but I knew it was done. I had saved myself for now. "I have only one request Sir." I admitted, finally catching his eye again. "I would like to start tomorrow, if possible."

He looked shocked again but nodded all the same, he thought it too soon, but he would not argue with me. "Anything you want, Abigale Lynn." He let out a long tired breath.

I reached up nervously to touch his cheek again, gulping as his dark pleading eyes met mine. I forced something akin to a twitchy smile. "You have my forgiveness." The Count closed his eyes, sinking again into my palm. He looked so unraveled and in need of much comfort. I sighed at his expression. I did not know how to feel or to react to his turmoil. All was his doing…yet he reminded me of a child; a boy who could not help himself and didn't know any better.

"Thank you. I know it will take time and much work on my part to mend all. But please believe me when I say that I shall do everything in my power to make this – us – right again." I bit my lip and nodded to him, feeling ill-at-ease by the intensity of his stare. "I swear that I will never hurt you again. I swear that I shall strive to be the man you believed me to be. I will give and do anything for your comfort and happiness. You are what matters to me, Abigale Lynn. I was just a damned fool who did not realize it until it was too late."

"It's not too late, Sir." I murmured, stepping away from the Count. I was tired, and his words were strong and moving. I felt too weak for them. I feared my emotion could sway my judgment and cause me to make a mistake of some kind. "Tomorrow we will work together to fix everything." I slipped my hand away from him and gave a small nod, "Permission to leave, Sir?"

"Granted, but only if I know for certain that you will return to me tomorrow evening," He answered desperately. "It pains me to take my eyes off of you."

At this I smiled but it was a very small and sad smile. Unbeknownst to the Count, he had almost lost me forever. His words were bittersweet. If he only knew the gravity of what he had done and the violence that almost occurred from it…I feared he would hurt himself if he knew, by either self-infliction or some foolhardy way of revenge. It was best if he never knew. "Think on that, Sir." I replied standoffishly. "Just think on that. Rest well, my Lord."