Hey Chapter 2 is finally up! Sorry it took so long. I'll have the next chapter up soon.

And as always, I don't own Daniel, Jack, or any other part of Stargate SG-1 so don't sue me. You'll get nothing for your troubles anyway. But you know if I did own them there would be a lot of happy slash lovers in the world.

Thank you to my beta, Meeka, and everyone who reviewed!

Recovery Mission on PJ2-445

Maybe I was cursed with bad luck, cause I always getting sent to the absolute weirdest places. No other team that I can think of goes through anything like mine does. The Touch, super fast aging nano-whatevers, the Nox who were stuck living in the 60's, robot look alikes; the list goes on and on. But I got to say even though all those guys were all royal pains in my side, at least all of them were clothed. Unfortunately that can not be said about the ones here.

Damn Carter and her damn new projects that never work on the first try. And damn her cute pout that suckers me into this crap. And damn me for being a horny old man who hasn't gotten any since Stonehenge was built and being easily suckered into this with that damn pout. Now I'm here looking for her U.A.V. with the high possibility of encountering the people of this world. And from what I briefly saw, my first nudist colony experience does not include drop dead gorgeous people right out of Hustler.

A loud sneezing interrupts my internal rant-a-thon.

"Bless." Why use two words when one will do?

"I'm not picking up the locating beacon on the U.A.V. but the crash site should be this way." Carter states and then walks in said direction.

"Great." I mumble under my breath. It's never easy for you Jack O'Neill. Always something making life harder. Stupid U.A.V. If their take offs weren't so cool, I'd be pissed. Well, more pissed at least.

Daniel tentatively walks up to me, cautious because of my current mood. Man must read minds or something. I'm not obvious or anything. "You know, I thought the alien on the video looked fairly docile, more curious than harmful."

I roll my eyes. Who cares if he can't see it, it's the principle of the thing. "I thought it looked bald, white, and naked." Yep that about covers everything.

I can almost feel Daniel rolling his eyes at my response. "This may be part of their culture. You know many tribes in Africa and South America wear paint instead of clothing."

"This might surprise you Daniel," I interrupt. "But I don't remember any wrinkly old men with stuff as big as a melons running around in paint on the Discovery Channel."

Daniel chokes on whatever he was about to say next and blushes hard. Victory! O'Neill, one. Mr. Smarty Pants Daniel, zero.

This day just keeps getting better and better. After walking about 15 clicks with Daniel, who was explaining to everyone what it means to be an alien, I'm standing around while Carter nurses a giant white plant thing that's bleeding all over the place. And apparently it could cure AIDs, herpes, and the common cold so we must investigate. Take blood samples and look like cool botanists.

Daniel turns on his handy dandy camera so that the botany coolness can be aptly recorded for future generations. He turns the camera towards a smaller white plant thing. To me it looks like a pile of baseballs that haven't been finished yet. "These other ones must not be full-grown, I guess." Good Lord, we actually are having a botany moment! This is a new low in my life. "Achoo!"

"Bless." One word, not two.

He begins to fish a Kleenex out of his pocket when I muse over how damn cute he can be when he sneezes. Especially when it's a big one and he has to bend over to do it. Perfect position for fun things I'd like to do to him. Lots of fun things.

I shake my head getting those images out of mind. Like I said, I haven't had any in forever. Which wouldn't normally be a problem for me. I mean I'm in the military. Years and years of not getting any to put on my resume. Apparently that did not prepare me for being on a team with Carter and Daniel. No matter where I look, there's always something nice to look at; Carter's breasts and legs, Daniel's ass and lips. It'd be a nicer view if either one of them, or both, were dressed like the funny men here. Not a whole hell of a lot likely in Carter's case, she can be such a prude sometimes. But maybe Daniel would strip down, you know, to become part of the culture and all that. Make it easier for the little white people to trust us and for me to molest him. Not much in the way when he's just wearing white paint.

I shake my head at that image. On a mission, O'Neill! Must get mind out of the gutter, now!

The large man in front of me grants my command. "The U.A.V. was dragged in that direction." Teal'c states matter-of-factly. Without another word, he takes off in that direction.

Good old Teal'c. He always knows how to bring my mind away from naked Daniels. Not that Teal'c isn't good looking or anything. I just don't like that much muscle on a guy. And he has enough muscle to spare to the US Army. Not to mention he's too talkative for my taste. Haha, that's funny. Man, I'm good!

"And that direction it is." I say merrily. Really, I'm just bouncing up and down about this.

"Are you out of your mind? That is biggest load of crap that I've heard!" I snap.

"Sir, I think that Daniel's got a point."

"Carter, I don't care about his opinion on this." I say pointedly. "He's obviously a mad man for thinking that way in the first place."

"Jack, you're being irrational about this." Daniel interjects.

"No I really don't think I am Daniel. The man beat her Daniel. How in hell can you defend him?"

"He didn't know that it was her. The whole thing was just a huge mistake. Can you honestly say that you ever thought that he was an abusive person?"

"Well it seems so since he did it!"

"Sir, he was caught up in the remains of a nightmare. When he woke up, it was just reflexes. It wasn't entirely his fault."

"Of all people here I thought that you would agree with me, Carter."

"I don't approve of men abusing women, Sir, but he didn't do it intentionally. Not to mention he is completely heartbroken about it. I really don't think there's anything wrong with her forgiving him."

I snort. Lost causes, the both of them. Always trying to place the fault on someone or something else. Jeeze, the man brutally assaulted the girl and they side with him? I shake my head and look to the only one on my team who may have any sense left for help. "What about you T? Should a man be able to beat a woman within an inch of her life without consequences?" Daniel and Carter both cry out at the same time in disapproving tones. I roll my eyes. "Fine, do you think that she should have forgiven him after he brutally assaulted her?"

A chorus of 'Jack's and 'Sir's ring through the air. I send a glance at the two fuming scientists. There's no pleasing these people. "He knows what I'm saying."

Teal'c walks on without answering. I follow behind close feeling the twin glares on my back. After about a minute of tense silence he speaks. "No she should not."

"Teal'c it wasn't his fault!" Daniel cries.

"On the contrary Daniel Jackson, hitting a woman is never acceptable."

"Thank you!" I exclaim. I look at Carter and Daniel to see their looks of shock and betrayal. "Looks like it's a tie once again. But hey, maybe he'll beat her again in the season finale and we can settle this one."

Daniel is practically turning red with irritation. And how cute does he look when he's mad. It could last me through a dozen lonely nights. "Did you even watch the rest of the episode? He went to counseling afterwards because he couldn't forgive himself! Tyrol is a good man, he would never have hurt Cally-" (1)

I put a hand up to silence him. Surprisingly he did. From the look he was giving me though, this was far from over. It never is when Battlestar Galactica is concerned. I grin, that will be fun. He looks so damn sexy when he's fired up. Especially over Boomer, that one never gets old.

Ahead, Teal'c signals that what we're looking for is near. I stealthily make my way up to Teal'c's position to get a better look. I see a small village ahead, but still pretty far off. I grab my binoculars and I get my first look at the home of the LWNP (that's Little White Naked People). Not much in the way of comfort but hey what you gonna do? Little round brown huts are bunched up within a 20 meter radius. There are several of these clusters with about 25 to 30 meters of open ground in between them. And those white ball plants from earlier are littered on the ground everywhere. No sign of any of the LWNP though. Thank God for small blessings.

"Dwellings." Daniel sounds put out about that last piece of news.

"Lots of them." I reply. "These people apparently aren't human since everything's circular." (2)

Daniel smiles at the reference. I grin back even though the lack of inhabitants is starting to bug me. We should have encountered one by now. It would just break my heart to know that my luck is going my way for once.

I feel a tug at my elbow. "Um, Jack." Daniel says in a husky voice that sends my libido into overdrive.

"Yeah?" I hope it came out normal. Need to focus.

Daniel clears his throat. He always has to make everything harder. I mentally slap myself. Bad puns will not help me now. I stop with the intel gathering to glare at him for distracting me, in more ways than one, when I catch sight of something behind Carter. A very white thing. I lift my binoculars to check to see if my imagination has gone berserk on me. Or if I have X-ray vision, wouldn't that be great! Nope, it is in fact a LWNP. And he is, as the label aptly states, naked. From what I can see anyway, bless that bush for obscuring the man's package.

Daniel, the ever present diplomat, lifts a hand to greet the naked man. "Hi." As soon as Daniel speaks, the naked man runs off. No more bush to save us. It's all out for us to enjoy, bouncing around and everything.

"Thanks a lot Daniel." I growl. He doesn't hear me. The running naked man, I just can't get over that, has started to shriek. Now he is the naked, running, shrieking man. This is getting too complicated.

"Well I guess that was the wrong thing to say." Daniel says.

No shit. Instead of pointing out the oh so obvious, I look through my trusty binoculars to the shrieking man who is running for the nearest cluster of huts. The moment he gets near, more LWNP come out to see what this man is shrieking like a girl for. And none of them are clothed. Just fantastic. "What do you think Daniel?" I pause. Naked man ass everywhere and none as good as the one next to me on said man. "Are they friendly spirits?"

"I guess we should go find out." He replies.

Damn, and the day's just getting started. I sneak a glance at Carter. By the look on her face, she is not enjoying this any more than me. Maybe this can be fun.

"First nudist colony experience huh Carter. Bet you're all thrilled about it too." I smirk.

She cocks her head slightly. "Can't say that I am Sir." She pauses to adjust her P-90. "Even with the paint on, it doesn't leave much to the imagination."

Oh and the smirk keeps getting wider and wider. She should know better than to give me an opening like that. "Well don't oogle the locals too much. We wouldn't want to lead them on with false impressions and all that." I have been waiting to use that one since she gave me that same speech after the nano-whatever incident!

From the look she's giving me now she remembers it too. "Sir!"

"Hey, I saw the way you were looking at that guy, just trying to help you out." Nope the smirk definitely can't get any bigger.

She purses her lips and speeds up to walk next to Daniel, grumbling under her breath. It never gets old, infuriating Carter and Daniel. And as an added bonus I have both Carter and Daniel butt in front of me. Now the view's twice as good.

It ends too soon, before I can completely enjoy the double spectacle of hot ass, we're in the cluster the screaming LWNP went to. Most of the locals are hiding behind the huts glancing at us but some are coming towards us to get a better look. And there's a lot more of the little guys than I originally thought. No women though. You'd think that there would be at least one around here, but no. Probably holed up somewhere else. I never get any slack.

Daniel, who is facing most of the LWNP, puts his hand up in a greeting again. The results are much better this time. The LWNPs put up their hands, imitating Daniel. Thank God, no need to see two dozen naked men running and screaming like girls.

Obviously sensing a better start, Daniel begins the greeting process again. "Hello, I'm Daniel Jackson." The only response he gets is two dozen guys mouthing the same thing he says. None the less, Daniel is not deterred. "Try smiling." And then he puts on a very wide smile.

Oh, he's talking to us.

Moments pass, then Teal'c smiles. It's one of his 'I do not enjoy this' smile. Hmph, I can do better. With little effort, I put on 'I'm going to hurt someone if I have to do this long' smile. And the people imitate me very well. Many of them look like they're about to do something violent too. "This is bizarre."

"Uh, Daniel?" Carter says uncomfortably.

Her discomfort is understandable since all the naked men that are surrounding us are getting closer and closer and every one of them is reaching out to touch us.

"Keep smiling. Don't move." Yes, very helpful Daniel.

"I am not fond of this."

Join the freaking club T. "Me neither."

"They just want to see what we feel like."

For crying out loud Daniel, that's making me feel a whole hell of a lot better. A metallic sound breaks through the uncomfortable silence my team is experiencing. Oh hell.

"Oh, hey, wait!"

"What?" I snap.

"One of them got my knife." Daniel responds, almost happily. I could beat him over the head with my gun.

"I got it." Carter says very quickly. Must want to get away from the groping hands. I know I do. They are starting to get more personal than I would like. If any of those hands go ANY lower, it's going to loose a few fingers.

"Ah-choo!" Jeeze every five minutes with this guy.

Carter yelps in pain, my gun points up ready for anything. I glance at her as she nurses her bleeding hand. After taking measure of her status, I notice that all the hands are gone and everyone is backing away very fast. I guess it works that way in every world. People just don't like having a big gun pointing at them. Sadly enough, the LWNPs don't appear to be looking at me though. They're looking at Daniel. I'm waving around an automatic and they're more scared of him than me. There's a shot to my pride. Possible snot is more scary than my kick ass gun; that hurts.

"It-it's just a sneeze." Daniel says dejectedly. Ha, that's what he gets for being scarier than me. Only Teal'c gets to do that.

"Carter, how's your hand?" I ask.

"It will be all right, Sir."

Teal'c glances around at the naked men. "I have never before encountered such a species."

"I could have gone the rest of my life without meeting them too." I say quietly.

Daniel sighs. "I'm gonna try and communicate again." Then he starts to take off his jacket, revealing his very nice chest and his arms.

My mind starts to wonder again and my mouth works before I think about it. "Want some company?"

To my relief, or disappointment, Daniel declines. "I think it would be less intimidating if I go alone."

"All right. Find out what you can about the U.A.V., huh?" I say hotly. Definitely disappointment then.

"Okay." Daniel replies, not hearing the tone, and walks into one of the huts with several LWNPs in it. I don't exactly stare at his butt but it's close.

I find the nearest hut and sit down leaning against the 'house'. I close my eyes, nothing left to do but wait. I doze off lightly, trusting that Teal'c is keeping a look out. Must have been a while cause when I open my eyes Daniel's walking out.

What the— is that white stuff on his face? No can't be, must still be asleep.

Daniel then proceeds to sit down and talk to me about the hard paint on the bodies of the locals. I can't look away from the damn shit on his face. Is it just on his face? Oh God, did he strip to get the full deal and I missed it.

"—I haven't seen any tools or any signs of a functional civilization." Is the only thing I hear from the whole monologue Daniel's been giving.

Definitely not a dream. There'd be less talking. "So they're a little less evolved than we are."

Daniel looks like he may choke on what I just said. "Well, we don't want to jump to any conclusions. Remember the Nox."

Boy do I ever. Carter pipes in. "And they did build these… homes."

"That's a kind appraisal." Oh big word. Brownie points. "What about the U.A.V.?"

"Well, I've tried everything I know about rudimentary communication, and to be honest," Daniel shifts uncomfortably. "I've had more successful conversations with dogs."

Ouch, that's as close to an insult that Daniel gives about other cultures. "So…?"

"So they're probably a little less evolved than we are." He admits, grudgingly.

Savor the moment, victory for Jack O'Neill. Not long enough though. Seconds later some LWNP drag something that looks suspiciously like the missing U.A.V. by. The locals drag it over to us, almost like they realized it was ours. One of the guys spreads his arms out like a bird and glances at Daniel. Looks like my luck might be turning around today. I think that I might die of shock.

Daniel practically jumps up in joy. "Yes. Yes, the—the—the—the—the—the—yes! Thank you. This… this is a major breakthrough." I roll my eyes. Don't hold your breath Danny boy.

Daniel sneezes again. The people start to back away again. Daniel realizes this and goes into worry mode almost immediately. "I'm sorry. This is, uh… this is nothing to worry about."

One of the nearest LWNP falls on the floor, not moving at all.

Daniel's jaw drops. "Of course, I could be wrong." He says offhandedly.

Great, just freaking great.

(1) Battlestar Galactica fans will remember this moment. I was crying so much when this happened. Poor Cally!

(2) Has any other BSG fans noticed that there are like no circles with the humans. Circles are a Cylon thing then I suppose.

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