It's been THREE years since my last post on Fanfic! I've been very busy with school and life in general and suffered from a bit of a writer's block but I'm back with a few stories to tell you guys! It's going to be a different ride with this guys so I hope you enjoy it! Introducing 'With A Little Help From My Friends'!
Third Year
'Cormac McLaggen and Draco Malfoy Have Ferret Sex'
'Cormac McLaggen Thinks Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle Can't Fight Without Draco Malfoy Licking Their Bottoms!'
'I'M GAY, I'M GAY, I'M GAY!...SAYS CORMAC MCLAGGEN!'
Girls were giggling and boys were laughing uproariously at the poor fourth year who tried hiding his face after ripping down the posters that were plastered across the walls in Hogwarts. Cormac was trying to breathe evenly but his face was turning bright red and people immediately started to part. He stalked into the room held for Transfiguration and saw The Golden Trio in deep conversation.
"Hey Weasley!" Cormac yelled, giving Ron Weasley's shoulder a few hard taps. Ron turned his head along with the rest of the class who simply couldn't keep their nose in their own places.
"What do you want McLaggen?" Ron asked. Cormac held up one of the posters and slid it towards Ron.
"Mind telling me why your sister and her two bitches she calls friends made all this up?" McLaggen asked.
Ron and Harry immediately broke into heavy snorting and silent laughter as Hermione blushed, biting her lip from smiling.
"Did they write this? Why…I had no idea…"
"Right well-"
"-that they would be this brilliant. Ferret sex with Malfoy? And don't worry, no one else thinks Crabbe and Goyle can fight without Malfoy nuzzling their bottoms either." Ron grinned as he handed the poster back to McLaggen who started trembling in anger.
"THIS ISN'T FUNNY WEASLEY! YOUR SISTER AND HER FRIENDS WILL PAY FOR THIS!" McLaggen yelled. They heard someone run inside and saw Draco Malfoy standing there, breathing heavily with murder in his eyes. He too held the same yellow poster in his hand.
"I don't have ferret sex with men!" Malfoy roared.
"What about normal sex with men?" Fred asked. Crabbe and Goyle ran inside, staring hard at Cormac.
"You're dead pretty boy!" Crabbe said, pointing a short, wide finger at Cormac.
"HEY!" Fred Weasley shouted, standing up. "No one is going to fight over this poster." Fred said, pointing a stern finger at Cormac and Malfoy.
"Not until Crabbe and Goyle bends over so Malfoy can give his blessings!" George said looking just as serious as Fred.
The entire classroom erupted in laughter and before anyone could launch on one another, McGonagall walked into the room, holding a poster.
"What is the meaning of this?" McGonagall asked, shaking the poster.
"Oh dear Professor, did they make one about you too?" Fred asked. McGonagall snapped her head towards Fred who clamped his mouth shut and quickly sat down. She looked at George who furrowed his eyebrows and followed his brother. She turned towards Malfoy and Cormac, showing them the poster.
"Just what is the meaning of this?" she asked, her voice quavering in anger. Ron leaned towards Harry and Hermione.
"I thought the words were pretty clear to me." Ron said. Everyone except McGonagall, Cormac, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle turned red and swollen from laughter trying desperately to break.
"I'm looking for an explanation." McGonagall said.
"Well, all right! I can explain!" Fred said, throwing a hand up.
"Fred shut up!" George whispered, chuckling. Fred forced a smirk down and looked at McGonagall who turned to him.
"Think carefully Mr. Weasley before saying another word." She warned.
"If you say it that way then I have nothing." Fred said quickly. She turned back to the boys again.
"Explain yourselves before I send you off to the Headmaster." McGonagall said. Malfoy stepped up.
"I had nothing to do with this! I'm a victim! I don't like men; I never have and never will! Just because McLaggen fancies me-"
"FANCY YOU? Sod off you giant prick, I don't fancy you-" Cormac started, the veins swelling around his neck and the sides of his head.
"The greatest love stories always start out with denial!" George sighed as Fred nodded deeply.
"Well I definitely didn't write this! It's deeply humiliating and my father will surely hear about this!" Malfoy spat. McGonagall turned to Cormac who looked baffled.
"Yeah sure, like people profess their sexual love for ferrets on posters for the whole world to see." Cormac said.
"Always pegged him as the type." Fred said as George nodded along.
"I can tell you who did this. It was that crazy bitc-" Cormac stopped, seeing the look on McGonagall's face. "-girl, Astoria Greengrass and Ginny Weasley! I'm absolutely positive that they're the ones behind this!" Cormac said.
"Yes! Greengrass and Weasley! They did this for sure because I was there when he humiliated that ugly girl-what's her name?" Draco asked, snapping his fingers.
"Longbottom. Jade Longbottom." Cormac said.
"I could just break his face right about now!" Hermione whispered to herself.
"Don't. It's the only thing going for him…but then again, I don't think anyone would mind." Harry said.
Dumbledore looked at the five students sitting before him. Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape were standing behind them with their hands behind them.
"Would anyone like to volunteer to explain…this?" Dumbledore asked, showing them a picture of Cormac McLaggen throwing his hands up repeatedly, smiling excitedly as his head moved back and forth. Under the picture was written 'I'M GAY, I'M GAY, I'M GAY!' Ginny and Astoria tried hushing their giggles and shifted in their chair. They looked at Jade who wasn't too happy about the entire situation.
"Miss Weasley? Miss Greengrass?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yeah! Ask them, I'm sure that they were behind all of this…because of their troll friend over there-"
"Mr. McLaggen this is the second time you've said that since you entered my office. If you say it again I will immediately suspend you from this year with no questions asked." Dumbledore said.
"But it's because of her that this is starting in the first place! I'll tell you what happened-"
"Oh Merlin no." Astoria groaned rubbing her face. She leaned over towards Dumbledore. "Professor, if we listen to his version he'll reference to his so called 'good looks' with an average of…" Astoria turned to Jade.
"14." Jade said quickly.
"You heard the woman." Astoria said.
"Sit down Miss Greengrass." Snape drawled.
"Mr. McLaggen, I would like a brief explanation of how this unfortunate poster came about." Dumbledore said. Cormac sent Astoria, Ginny and Jade a dirty look.
"Well I was sitting in the library studying like a good student I was, I wasn't rewarded for being an extraordinary student-"
"The story Mr. McLaggen." Dumbledore said.
"Of course, so I was sitting in the library." Cormac said.
Cormac was sitting in his table at the library. An unidentified bright light was shining downwards on him, highlighting his cheekbones and defining the grooves of his muscles under his thin crème shirt. A group of seventh years passed by, giggling and smiling at him. All gorgeous. Even the less gorgeous were smiling at him, dreaming and wishing that he would give them a glance. He was already tired from the line of beautiful girls telling him how much they loved him, literally throwing themselves at him but he maintained his chivalrous attitude he had been born with. He swore even Madame Pince tried to flirt with him but that was another story. Suddenly, there had been a separation from the sea of the beautiful girls that were in front of him. Coming out of a crowd of loveliness was a mess of thick brown hair.
She looked like she tried to put it in braids to try and look good for him but who liked greasy braids? GREASY BRAIDS FOR MERLIN'S SAKE! She even had the biggest brown eyes hiding behind a thick pair of pearly multicolored eyeglass frames; white, soft blue and pink. Uh…ew. Her bangs were poorly hiding her oily and pimply forehead. She was pale, the kind of pale you would see in the potion and plant poisoning wing of St. Mungos. She even had braces which were lime green. Lime green going against her yellow teeth? Could it really have been that awful? Does a centaur shit in the woods? Anyways, she was hobbling towards Cormac, looking overly excited to the point where Cormac could see every lime green yellow tooth in her mouth.
"CORMAC-I-LOVE-YA-WANNA-GO-OUT-WID-MEEEEE?" Jade Longbottom grunted loudly for the entire library to hear. Anyone else in Cormac's place would have laughed at her and if they took advantage of her, they had obviously lost their minds. Cormac laughed politely like the gentleman his mother raised him to be.
"You see Miss Longbottom, I'm afraid I can't." Cormac said. The group of girls sighed happily and he sent them all a charming smile, nearly wilting them. Jade Longbottom gasped loudly and screamed like a man.
"NO! NO! NO! NO! YA CAN'T, CAN'T, CAN'T! I'D DIE-
"I did not say I was going to die and I never begged. This story is ridiculous and makes no sense!" Jade said nearly taking her chair and breaking it over Cormac's face. Malfoy grinned.
"Yeah, I was there and that didn't happen." Malfoy said.
"The Professor said he wanted to hear my story! It's MY STORY, can I please continue?" Cormac asked them.
"Feel free to skip personal descriptions that aren't relevant to the case at hand." Dumbledore said, already looking weary.
"Anyways…" Cormac started.
"PLEAAASE TAKE ME CORMAC! TAKE ME TO THE YULE BAAAAALL!" Jade Longbottom said, jumping up and down.
"I'm very sorry Miss Longbottom but I cannot take you! I know you think of me as a dashing and charming young man but you have to find someone else!" Cormac said. The group of Slytherins started laughing like the hyenas that they were. All noise but no game. They were laughing at the mess that started to cry in front of Cormac. Her nose was dripping and she was sobbing quite audibly.
"Ha, ha! Look at that! McLaggen made her cry! She really thought she was going to go out with a good looking fellow like him! Pfft, like she'll ever find someone as handsome!" Malfoy said.
Weasley and Greengrass appeared out of nowhere, suddenly.
"YOU DON'T LIKE OUR UGLY FRIEND HOW DARE YOU!" Greengrass shrieked.
"YEAH!" Weasley responded.
"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!" Greengrass shrieked again, pointing a finger at Cormac.
"YEAHHHH!" Weasley roared.
"JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD LOOKING-"
"I think I've heard enough from you Mr. McLaggen. Mr. Malfoy, how did you become involved in this?" Dumbledore asked, turning towards Malfoy who had been glaring at Cormac.
"Sir I don't know how I became involved. McLaggen is clearly lying. What happened was this…"
Draco sat two tables away, studying for the Potions exam set next week. He saw Longbottom and McLaggen, the slimy troll he was, were conversing. Draco didn't want any part in the activity. Suddenly he heard a burst of laughter and saw McLaggen and his friends pointing and laughing at the small sad excuse.
"She wants me to take her to the Yule Ball? Your life is going to be full of disappointments!" Cormac laughed. Draco wanted to get up and say something to defend the poor girl but Greengrass and Weasley trampled in, their eyes bulging, faces red and spittle forming on the corners of their mouth.
"BASTAAAAARD! How dare you heathen?" Astoria asked. Weasley shrieked and got on top of the table, scratching herself and pounding on her chest.
"Seriously you both have your head up your ar-" Ginny was stopped by Jade and Astoria who put a hand on her shoulder warning her not to finish the sentence. "But they're making me sound like some kind of gorilla without a brain!" Ginny said.
Dumbledore turned to Malfoy who nervously fiddled with his robes.
"All right, she didn't jump on the table." Draco said.
Weasley was standing behind Astoria like an angel who threatened McLaggen that he would pay for what he had done. She looked over to Draco. Clearly she had feelings for him but had been ignoring him for the longest time and decided to play coy. Her way of flirting with him was to include him into the mess that McLaggen had made.
"Even though I clearly am in love with you, you're going to pay for it! FOR NO REASON!" Astoria said.
"For no reason? Why would you do that?" Draco asked.
"Because I flirt that way!" Astoria growled before turning off to walk away. Weasley gave an angelic sigh, did a tiny pirouette and pranced her way out of the library.
Professor McGonagall and Snape looked like they were thinking about asking for a raise in their salary as all three girls tried to restrain themselves from a very possible double homicide.
"Miss Longbottom." Dumbledore said softly.
"Yes sir." Jade said.
"I would like to hear what actually happened that day from you." Dumbledore said. Jade nodded.
"This is insanity at its ultimate…ultimatedness." Jade growled as Astoria shoved her towards Cormac McLaggen.
"Everyone's got a date to the Yule Ball and you're the only one without a date! Didn't you hear you idiot? McLaggen's been all about you ever since the year started!" Astoria said, fixing Jade's hair.
"I have braces! A hairbrush can't get a stroke through my hair and I have an oily t-zone!" Jade hissed. Astoria looked annoyed and turned to Ginny who rolled her eyes.
"McLaggen's been asking about you ever since he saw you on the train! And he's been telling his friends to ask me about you. You can even ask Astoria, everyone knows he hasn't asked anyone else to the Yule Ball because he wants you." Ginny said.
"Don't you both think that it's the least bit suspicious why a guy like Cormac McLaggen would want someone like me to be his date?" Jade asked. Astoria cupped Jade's face and gave her a pleasant smile.
"I don't find it suspicious at all. You're a beautiful person, inside and out. Braces and bad hair days stay temporarily but your beauty is eternal. Now…before I really embarrass you, go!" Astoria said. She pushed Jade away who started to walk towards McLaggen.
Astoria always knew how to put Jade's head back in the right place. Without her, second and third year would have been excruciating. So many girls were going through an awkward phase, dealing with transformations on their bodies with absolutely no grace. Somehow the only person that didn't have a hard time was Astoria, to which Ginny and Jade weren't happy about. Not a pimple on her face, hair kept perfectly and always the fresh and positive personality every single day. Jade had a hard time believing she was human sometimes. Right now, Jade made her way towards McLaggen who was looking up from his newspaper, watching her. She stopped and he put his newspaper down, smiling while batting his eyelashes.
"Well hello there." McLaggen smiled.
"Hi." Jade said feeling her heart about to go into cardiac arrest.
"I'm sorry, where are my manners? Sit down, please!" McLaggen said, waving towards the seat Jade was standing in front of.
"Okay." Jade smiled, taking a seat.
"So…what brings you here Jade Longbottom?" McLaggen asked.
"Well I…" Jade saw Draco Malfoy sitting a table away from them, watching. He quickly looked away, pretending to read, smirking to himself. Jade shook her head and turned her attention back to McLaggen. "So I was…well with the tournament-" "
You have the prettiest brown eyes I have ever seen." McLaggen sighed.
"Oh…wow. Thanks." Jade said, feeling heat dancing over her face. She looked back at Malfoy who had half of the Slytherin house near his table, quickly looking away and snorting when she would look at them.
"So what were you saying? I couldn't concentrate because-my goodness are you always this pretty?" McLaggen asked.
"Er…"
"It's okay. What were you saying?" McLaggen asked.
"Do you have a date for the Yule Ball?" Jade asked.
"No. I don't have a date." McLaggen frowned.
"I was thinking-"
"Please by all means. Tell me what you were thinking." McLaggen said. Jade twisted her hands, trying to get the words out of her mouth as quickly as possible.
"I wanted to ask if you wanted to be my date for the Yule Ball." Jade stuttered. McLaggen tried to look serene but his lower lip quavered and he burst out in laughter. Jade's smile fell along with her heart as she saw McLaggen's friends stumble out of the bookshelves, laughing uproariously. The Slytherins nearby laughed and Malfoy grinned, giving Jade a shrug.
"Let's go Jade." Astoria said grabbing her arm.
"Y-You actually thought that I liked you? That I wanted to go to the Yule Ball with you? I'm afraid that either your hair, that giant pimple or just you would eat me for dinner!" McLaggen laughed, clapping his friends.
"Eat shit McLaggen!" Ginny yelled. Jade stood up and bolted out of the library, causing everyone to laugh harder.
"Don't leave! I was only joking! Of course I'll go to the ball with you!" McLaggen yelled after Jade. Astoria and Ginny were lividly standing there and waiting for the laughter to die down. When it did, Astoria focused her attention on McLaggen.
"That was a rotten thing to do McLaggen." Astoria said.
"What are you little girls going to do? Throw a hex at me? Tell me I'm a jerk?" McLaggen asked.
"You better think twice about who you're talking to McLaggen. She's our fellow Slytherin." Malfoy said winking at Astoria who curled her lip.
"As much as I love your intervention Malfoy, it's not welcomed. You should have minded your own bloody business but why would you? You're Malfoy after all." Astoria said.
"I'm trying to help you Greengrass. If you're talking about minding business, what business do you have spending time with Gryffindors? Weasley, seriously? And Longbottom? Can you dig a deeper hole for yourself?" Malfoy asked.
"You're in a library…look up the words non-discrimination, loyalty and friendship. Jade is my friend. You, actually no one has the right to treat her the way you did McLaggen. Try to get to know a few people Malfoy; you might actually grow a soul. As for you McLaggen…you'll pay." Astoria said.
"Have you three written these things about Mr. Malfoy and Mr. McLaggen?" Dumbledore asked, showing them the posters again.
"Yes sir we did." Jade said with a nod.
"See?" Cormac said.
"And we apologize if-"
"Jade had nothing to do with the posters. It was only me." Astoria said. Ginny punched her arm.
"You twat how could you forget about me? Professor, it's true. Jade had nothing to do with the production and distribution of the posters. It was solely Astoria and I." Ginny said. Everyone was looking at Jade.
"Professor this is false. They're only trying to protect me because I was the one who thought of and designed the posters." Jade said. Ginny scoffed and elbowed Astoria who looked equally surprised.
"Not so fast you crook. How dare you take credit over 'ferret sex'? That was mine by the way boys." Astoria said turning to Cormac and Malfoy, flashing them a cheeky smile.
"Let's not forget who thought of how genius it was to manipulate the words into getting Crabbe and Goyle thinking-"
"Miss Weasley if you continue to speak I'm afraid it will permanently damage your future in Hogwarts." Dumbledore interjected. He looked at Jade over his half-moon spectacles and paused before he spoke. "Miss Weasley, what has happened to you started with mean spirited intentions meant to humiliate you and gain pleasure in your sufferance and it has ended with mean spirited intentions meant to humiliate someone else to gain pleasure in their sufferance. Whether or not you have participated in the distribution of these posters, I think you've always known better than your friends." Dumbledore said as Astoria and Ginny nodded.
"But you have confessed and for that, the three of you will be carrying out detention for the rest of the year. As for you Mr. McLaggen, you will be serving six months of detention for bullying and Mr. Malfoy will be serving three months for assisting it." Dumbledore said.
"I didn't assist anything! I hate McLaggen! Why would I help him?" Draco asked, jumping up.
"You called your friends and colleagues to watch Mr. McLaggen's poor treatment towards Miss Longbottom when you could have prevented. You never intended to stop Mr. McLaggen." Dumbledore said. "I am heavily disappointed in both of you. I am even deeply disappointed in the three of you." he said, turning to Astoria, Ginny and Jade.
"What happened was unfortunate to Miss Longbottom. Being her friends I can understand why you have done what you did but it only instills a cycle of revenge and nothing more." He said. After writing out their punishments, they were all permitted to leave and escorted out by their Head Leaders.