Disclaimer: Didn't make it, don't own it.

Chapter 16: In Other News…

While the party neared New Vale, a group of antagonists were consulting with each other. It was not going well.

"Karst! Menardi! Enough!" Alex shouted futilely.

Karst and Menardi looked up guiltily. They'd been kicking each other under the bar and had been trying to keep it under wraps.

"She started it," Karst whined, pointing an accusing finger.

"Liar," Menardi stated.

"Shut up,"

"You shut up, loser."

"That's enough! Damnit!" Alex screamed. "You two are worse than children! I don't care who started it, I'll finish it!" The women stared at him for a long moment before Karst nudged Menardi and started the whole thing off again.

"Just let them go," Saturos said sagely. Being 36, he knew a bit more about women than the 18 year old Alex, although this was still not nearly enough. "They'll tire of it sooner of later and they'll be painting each other's nails by the day's end, I assure you."

Alex slumped back in his seat, a defeated vampyre. His seat was no longer the velvety piece of luxurious evil it had been before but was now a cheap wooden dining chair. The most terrifying quality it had was woodworm.

"I can't believe we're out here," he moaned, taking a long swig from a glass of thin mead.

Saturos shrugged. "Perhaps if you hadn't opted for the dungeon…"

"Look, you know about life, I know about evil lairs," Alex sighed, taking a long drag on a cheap cigar and quaffing a great amount of the mead in hopes of getting as drunk as possible. "You have to have a dungeon. It's compulsory."

"We could've made do with an iron cage," Saturos said anyway. "That whole alchemiron metal plating on the walls and ceiling was over the top."

"They're adepts, and strong ones. We needed that metal. We couldn't have let them escape."

"The shackles would have been enough. 'Alchemiron metal shackles', I said, 'Alex! We can just use alchemiron shackles and we wouldn't have to spend all that money on--"

"Shut up," Alex snapped. He sank lower in his brooding posture and slammed his glass on the table.

"Well, now we're still up against more than half a dozen of the strongest adepts in history and our base of operations is three rooms in a seedy inn."

"I told you to shut up,"

"Yikes," Saturos said sarcastically. "I beg your pardon, your highness." He returned to his drink, leaving Alex in his slump.

"Waitress!" he shouted, banging his glass on the table.

"What can I get'cha, honey?"

"I need another drink,"

"What type, honey?"

"One with lots more alcohol,"

As she walked off, Alex thought to himself. What I really need, he thought, are some minions. These people think too much, they're too clever. Every evil genius has minions, not friends. What he needed were followers who failed the exam by eating the test. Not that he had any place to base them. He and the others had pooled their resources and started to build. They made the mistake of getting a loan from the bank to fund the scorpion pits and forgot to make the payments, since Karst was placed in charge of financial management, since she whined that no one let her do anything. Now Alex added repo-man to his list of 'Things to Kill on Sight'.

The drink was delivered quickly and Alex downed a third of it in one go. He began to feel the pleasant warmth of inebriation.

"Sometimes I wonder," he began in the tone of voice that foreshadowed a rant. "What'sh the point, anywaysh? The world'sh full of idiotsh and madmen and -- " he scowled with the effort of thought in the manner of the truly plastered " – treesh and shtuff. Wha…wha…what 'em I go…gonna do wif a bunch of treesh? Why do I care? Why do I want thish world sho much?" Alex hiccupped solemnly.

"Because you're a megalomaniacal undead fiend with an extreme hatred of Isaac and his friends, save for one, who doesn't like you at all." Saturos the psychoanalyst said.

Alex's stare was icy.

"That lasht part wash mean."

"We've all been through it lad, all of us…" Saturos sighed, patting Alex's shoulder amiably. Alex finished his glass, slid deeper into drunkenness and decided to take a little nap. Alex folded up into a neat little mound under his chair. He hiccupped solemnly in his sleep.

"Waitress?" Saturos called after some thought.

"Yeah, hun?"

"I'll have what he had."

Author's Note:

DONUTMASTER: Forgive my not updating lately, by which I mean for a very long time. I was forced to move from my friends and haven't been much in a writing mood for the past months. Anyway, anyone who reads this probably forgives me, so thanks guys!

JENNA: He's so upset about moving that I'm not going to torture him in this Author's note. That's how upset he is. No wait! I can't say that with a straight face.

DONUTMASTER: OW!

I hope you enjoy this new chapter! Please review it at your leisure!