Chapter 10: Think Outside the Pun
Author's note: This is some of the silliest nonsense I've ever written. And yes, I'm taking into consideration the time I turn Elijah into a tiny wooden doll. And when I turned Matt into a sad goth Nine-Inch-Nails-spouting wannabe Klaus. And the bison poop. . . Good grief, Rituals and Romance is even more weird than I recall. :)
In this one-shot, Klaus and Caroline see something so disturbing they immediately feel compelled to investigate it further to find out how something so bizarre could be real. What they discover is definitely far too strange to be fiction…
Somewhat TVD canon-compliant with some well-known quotes thrown in for comedic effect. Established Klaroline takes place after graduation except Caroline was a clever girl who got the hell out of Mystic Falls and she and Klaus went to New Orleans to run their empire because of…reasons. No insulting baby plot or poorly hidden Australian accent to muddle good story structure or bully the Klaroline fandom.
Also, I started a new Klaroline multi-chap called Cursed Obsession. Would love to get your thoughts!
And thanks for all of your comments, follows and faves! I appreciate all of the attention you guys have been giving my work lately!
"You earn your reputation by the things you do every day."
— Dave Thomas, Founder, Wendy's
"I — I don't understand," Caroline said in a hushed whisper, as though raising her voice would cause it all to somehow be more real. Surely what she just witnessed was a trick of her exhausted mind; after all, she had been managing Klaus' day-to-day schedules for months now in addition to her own expanding non-profit work around New Orleans. She glanced at Klaus who seemed to be choking on his rage, unable to emit more than low growling noises from deep in his chest.
"No way. No way does this happen and we not know about it. Your creepy hybrid minions are lurking everywhere like TMZ but with less bloodlust! Someone would have warned us," Caroline continued, waving her arms dramatically in the air.
Finally, Klaus unclenched his fists where his claws had drawn blood. Through gritted teeth and black veins he seethed, "When I find the perpetrators of this…abomination I'll…" He was chagrined that he could not properly articulate a justifiable punishment to the horrors he had just witnessed.
Caroline clicked the remote, using their DVR to access the commercial once more. It seemed to be an advertisement for a fast food chain in Baton Rouge, but it also was…something else entirely. In tense silence, she and Klaus subjected themselves to the nightmare once more.
The commercial opened to dramatic background music as drops of blood pooled until they formed a rose. A voice over of a teenage girl sorrowfully proclaimed, "Dear diary, I'm not a believer. People are born, they grow old and then they die. That's the world we live in, but how can I deny what's right in front of me? I have fallen under the spell of Diary of the Vampires. I cannot help it, for my hunger is too great, and this restaurant satisfies me like no other."
A lovely brunette girl appeared in a fog-filled cemetery, looking longingly into the distance where a neon sign of giant fangs biting into a burger appeared. Caroline hurriedly looked at Klaus to check to see if he was witnessing the same bizarre scene and she could just make out that he was silently mouthing the words 'Diary of the Vampires' over and over as though befuddled by the phrase.
The over-the-top, telenovela-style music swelled as two men in leather jackets despite the summer heat approached the girl and she swooned helplessly. "I cannot possibly choose between the murderer who is clinically depressed with severe addiction and codependency issues or the sociopathic murderer with crippling mommy issues and perpetual crazy eyes. Both are charming and possess the appropriate ratio of attractiveness to hair gel, so it's impossible to decide!" Caroline blinked rapidly, trying to ascertain whether she was imagining the poofiness of the one boy's 'hero hair' becoming more pronounced as the music grew bolder.
The two pretty boys turned to the camera, grinning with mouths impossibly full of fangs and lisped enthusiastically, "But what's easy to decide is to head on over to Diary of the Vampires and try our new special, white oak taters! We broil stuffed sweet potato skins on white oak planks to seal in that just-staked goodness!" Klaus blanched at that, giving an involuntary shudder.
The girl happily kissed both boys on the cheek and added excitedly, "And don't forget about our Thirsty Thursdays with two-for-one drink specials!" Arm in arm, the trio skipped off merrily to the restaurant's glowing neon sign in the distance, and the fast food chain's apparent theme song began:
Vampire fangs on a pretty face, white oak taters just scarf 'em down
A hybrid on the prowl and spicy rye bread for you now, makes the world go 'round
Ain't nothing in the world like a rib eye wrap
Makes me fill my tummy and save me money
"Was that…Did they seriously just turn The Big Bopper's 'Chantilly Lace' into a theme song for a restaurant," Caroline asked incredulously.
"That's the part that offends you, love," Klaus asked hoarsely. "Not the part where they seem to be patterning their marketing strategy suspiciously similar to the insipid Doppelganger's life?"
Caroline rolled her eyes at him. "It's all just…ugh! I can't even…and did you see the thing with that guy's hair getting bigger?"
Klaus nodded, a disturbed look on his face. "I think it's possible that poor lad's hair was a clumsy metaphor for arousal." He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I'm not entirely sure I can look Stefan in the eye after this."
"Yes, well, disturbing imagery aside, let's get to work figuring out who to blame for this mess," Caroline replied. Perking up slightly, she added, "At least we weren't mentioned. It seems whoever's behind this doesn't know about us."
Of course, Caroline spoke too soon.
Days later, Klaus' considerable connections yielded favorable results and he learned that Elena's diary, with all of its tedious scribbling, had fallen into the hands of a marketing firm that decided to exploit what they read and turned it into a wildly successful (and wildly tacky) restaurant franchise. The chain had begun in the Midwest and had started making its way south. Curiosity got the better of Klaus and Caroline, and they found themselves driving to Baton Rouge to see the tasteless circus for themselves. At the very least, they figured it would provide enough fodder to tease the Salvatores and Elena for decades.
And then the smug pair found out that karma could be a bitch.
The restaurant seemed to be a prefab nightmare that blended the Gilbert home in the front and expanded toward the back into the larger Salvatore mansion. Caroline even spied half-empty bourbon bottles scattered throughout and she couldn't shake the feeling that one or both brooding Salvatores would pop out of the carefully manufactured shadows to whine about Elena. She and Klaus were seated at the bar near a replica of the Salvatores' gaudy fireplace where every important event in their lives back then seemed to be required to transpire in front of.
Klaus surveyed the area, the smug grin on his face quickly dissipating when he spied several waiters wearing cheap wigs with bright blonde curls in tight spirals. In a choked voice, he murmured, "Bloody hell! I do not go about sporting an albino poodle on top of my skull!" At Caroline's mirthful expression, he uncertainly started flattening down his hair.
"If it makes you feel any better, I spied some pompous Elijah wigs and several heads of hero hair," Caroline said brightly, trying to be helpful. She rolled her eyes when she saw waitresses pass under the archway to the Gilbert living room, two wearing Katherine's signature brunette curls and one wearing blonde waves that looked uncomfortably familiar.
A waiter approached them, wearing a dark Henley and an assortment of necklaces. Klaus pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to decide if this was worse than being served by one of the numerous blokes in tailored suits and perfectly coiffed wigs that were more reminiscent of an Elvis impersonator than his stuffy older brother.
The teenager scratched at his polyester wig of tight blonde curls and with a clumsy flourish, handed them both menus. He spoke with a garbled lisp around his too-large plastic fangs, "Welcome to Diary of the Vampires. Can I start you off with some bloody good Bonnie Alexanders?"
Caroline realized her mouth was open and quickly shut it with a snap. She sent the boy an overly bright smile and chirped, "We'll need a minute to…um…decide. Thanks!"
Their waiter nodded and said, "Cool. Love your 'Caroline', by the way." He raised an eyebrow at Klaus and said encouragingly, "Dude, maybe you should try Stefan next time? Or maybe Matt? Matt's always a good choice for newbies." He wandered off, blissfully unaware of how tightly Caroline was clinging to the enraged hybrid's hands to keep him from going on a rampage in the middle of the restaurant.
"So let's look at the menu, hmm," she asked hurriedly, trying unsuccessfully to distract Klaus. Her blue eyes quickly scanned the menu and an involuntary giggle escaped her as she read aloud, "Doppelganger's Delight — A cocktail made with equal parts rum and vodka because why should a girl have to choose?"
"How droll," Klaus responded dryly. "Although I seem to be torn between 'wandering wereburger with cheese' or the 'Silas-bury steak'."
Her sarcastic response was drowned out by the loudspeaker announcing that the Stelena clog dancers would be performing during happy hour. The couple looked at each other in amazement, barely having time to digest that unsettling news when they overheard an eager patron exclaim, "Aww! I thought tonight was the Klaroline interpretive dancing! I heard the 'lamp-through-the chest' followed by obligatory love confession is incredibly powerful and moving!"
Klaus' eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets at this, and he noticed Caroline emitted a huffing noise that seemed to be a cross between a snort of derision and uncomfortable throat clearing. He hoped that she wouldn't find a reason to glance over her shoulder where a framed parchment of a familiar-looking figure and a horse was prominently displayed.
"Oh my god," she said in a low whisper, pointing over his shoulder.
Feeling his stomach turn, he hazarded a peek and was accosted by an entire wall filled with hand-written quotations. You're perfect. Which is so beyond annoying, I can't even look at you. Let's get you a drink. I'll tell you all about being the bad guy. Good evening, Katerina. Thank you for having the good sense to be frightened. I don't deserve you, but my brother does. God, I wish you don't have to forget this. He's your first love. I intend to be your last. However long it takes. They just went on and on, staring back at them cheekily. They both quickly snapped their heads away, desperately searching for something else to distract them.
And then another commercial came on the big screen over the bar. Dramatic music began playing like the previous commercial they watched, but this time, two blonde figures took center stage in the middle of what appeared to be a forest. Caroline's horrified, urgent No!, was overshadowed by the epic scale of the music. Klaus' eyebrows were raised so high they nearly met his hairline as he watched in utter disbelief.
Onscreen, the man knelt before the woman, hugging her to his body as he proclaimed in a Monty Python-esque accent, "Love, you're beautiful, you're strong, you're full of light. I enjoy you. Love, your light has captured my darkness and set it aflame. Love, it's like a fire-roasted sire-loin at Diary of the Vampires."
The couple began to kiss passionately, and just as clothes began ripping for dramatic effect, the young woman pulled away and swooned, "Seriously, you're an insanely complicated immortal creature but seriously we're both immortal creatures. But seriously I'm incredibly deep and maybe we can be incredibly deep and complicated immortal creatures together."
Caroline stared blankly at Klaus, mouthing 'seriously' to which Klaus grimly responded by uttering 'love' with whatever remained of his rapidly diminishing dignity. They watched as the couple resumed their sloppy kissing, inexplicably banging into far too many trees considering they were supposedly immortal creatures that one would assume were blessed with above-average athleticism.
The girl swoons and vows, "Seriously, being with you is almost as powerful as Diary of the Vampires' new vervain veggie medley! Seriously, it will sear your taste buds with flavor!" With that final declaration, the commercial mercifully ended.
Klaus and Caroline sat in stunned silence while they mulled over what they witnessed. Before they could properly articulate their feelings beyond a simple, 'Wow,' they were accosted by a middle-aged woman wearing a sheriff's uniform and a store manager name tag.
"There you are!" She critically looked both of them over, adding, "At least you showed up on your first day in the right uniforms. Let's get you started with your Klaroline training. There's an orientation video you'll need to watch first."
Caroline glanced over at Klaus and grinned. "Well, we certainly wouldn't want to miss that!"