Hearing him like that she couldn't stop herself from fumbling with the door handle to unlock the door. Like there was no tomorrow, Derek rose to his feet and flung the door open.

He took a step in, gasping in air to fill his lungs. Casey's back was turned to him. She was sniffling. Her hands shuddered trying to restrict herself.

He wiped his wet eyes with his palm before speaking, "I screwed up. I'm sorry. I'd change it all if I could…Case?"

Suddenly Derek felt relentless punches she threw in his chest. She cried furiously, "Prick, why couldn't you just keep your jeans zipped?"

Needless to say her words pained him more than her fists. Yet he didn't blame her. He grabbed her wrists to stop her. She felt so stiff. He finally was able to see her face. Her beautiful blue eyes now resembled shattered glass. Her expression: the epitome of sorrow. She tore from his grip and held her pillow to her chest, sitting back on the bed.

His throat filled again. He sat on the other edge of the bed. Everything was all wrong here.

"I didn't know. If I had known what really happened--what Sam told me, I never would have." he affirmed.

"Oh God, what did Sam tell you?" she looked up in dread suppressing a cry.

"I basically knew it all." He cleared his throat. "See I went over there to make you see that you were making a mistake. Then I saw you two from the window. I thought you were going to fuck him. That sent me to a dark place that I never want to visit again. And there was Lauren--I never would have touched her if I hadn't seen you and Sam."

"You're lying. Sam told you all this. You weren't there Derek. You're just saying that to justify what you did." she shouted.

He grew angry that she thought him dishonest. "You can say how I'm suppose to or not suppose to feel Casey. But you don't have the power to say I didn't see what I damn well did. And you know I did. You would have fucked him if you hadn't heard me."

She quivered. "It wasn't you. Whatever I heard it was--it wasn't human."

"I didn't feel human…" he said bleakly.

Casey looked at him with doubt.

His voice became bitter remembering the images that had torn his soul "I can tell you every specific. Where you placed your hands, every spot his tongue touched your skin. Don't you tell me I didn't. You wore a black bra; his boxers were blue; your panties were--."

Casey screeched as if flames contacted her "Okay! Okay."

Remorsefully she spoke quietly to the ground unable to look at him, "I'm so sorry Derek that you saw that."

"Me too. Because then I wouldn't have…I've never regretted anything I've done in my life, not like this. You know you are the only--"

"Ssshh!" she commanded shifting her position where she sat.

"Don't fight this Casey. You didn't have sex with him because somehow, some way, you heard me. That means something! Don't you understand?"

"It means nothing! If it did then you wouldn't have screwed that bitch." She shoved the pillow into her face. His lips turned in agony seeing her like this, knowing it was his fault.

Casey removed the pillow and sucked in a deep breath. She sat up straight. She said judiciously, "But that's ok Derek. I shouldn't get upset with you when I almost did the same thing."

His hand touched her wrist, not wanting her to close up. "No you should be mad at me, be mad at me."

She moved her arms to wave off Derek's touch.

"I want to make it right, more than you know." he said firmly, but she ignored him.

In an effort to desist her emotions, her words came out shrill and fast. "You don't need my forgiveness. You're entitled to do what you want."

"I want you." he said simply.

She ignored him, picked herself up, wiped her tears, and said logically, "The first one was a little hard to take, but soon there will be so many. It just won't matter anymore."

Her indifference saturated an urge of violence in him. He stood and grabbed her forearms. "I was a virgin until I realized I was falling for you! I thought my sexual desires were overreacting and if I just acted on them with another girl I wouldn't feel anything for you, but it didn't work. I've spent months trying. But no matter who I'm with, you seem to be there in the shadows condemning me about any and every little thing. Because you know me using another girl is a sin, when I love you Casey."

"You can't say that. You can't mean that!" Horrified she pulled away from his grasp

He punched the air in frustration "After all this you still--Can't you see we've tried to do it your way. You wouldn't be feeling like this right now if you had just stayed with me."

"Because I do it to myself, right?" she attacked.

He sighed calming down. "I shouldn't have said that. I was wrong. Again. We could have made it easier on ourselves. We do it to each other…I know I screwed up, but I wouldn't have if you hadn't did what you did. We can fix this or we can end up killing ourselves."

She said quietly weary "No. I can't. I won't change, Derek."

He raised his voice trying to break through. "That's too damn bad because we will never be over. Not when you still love me. I know you do."

She shook her head replying in dismay "But I won't lie to them." referring to their household.

Disheartened, he said "Well you know best don't you Case…What I'd do to get through to you."

He shook his head, his mouth twisted in anger then turned to leave.