Veronica Mars
Disclaimer: I don't own VM or its characters.
Author's Note: OK…I know this story has been moving slowly, but we're getting closer to the end. This was a difficult chapter to write, let me know if you like it!
The dreary dawn that Neptune awoke to only deteriorated as the morning wore on. By the time everyone got to the church it was not only rainy and windy, but unseasonably cold as well. Veronica didn't have much to say about the appropriate weather, but Logan mumbled a few curses as he quickly realized that if the rain kept up, the burial would be hell. Not that it wasn't going to be already, but he knew Veronica was going to want to linger until everyone left to say a few last words to Wallace. He also knew she would care less about being wet and cold, not so much because she wanted to make herself sick, but more because he was fairly certain she wouldn't feel it anyway. The same way she didn't feel hunger or exhaustion, or any of those feelings, which by this point should be overpowering her ability to even move. He knew that physical discomfort was meaningless to Veronica at the moment, which meant he and Keith were responsible for fulfilling them, by force if necessary. And Logan did not want to force Veronica away from the graveyard.
"Besides," he mumbled quietly to himself, as they got ready to leave the house, "cold rainy funerals are so clichéd."
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The only indications of the emotions Veronica was feeling were her white fist tightly holding a balled up tissue and the occasional quake her body would make as she tried to hold back her tears. She absolutely refused to let herself cry until after she had given her remarks. Logan didn't quite know how best to help her out, and to be completely honest, was having a hard time holding it together himself. He gently caressed the knuckles holding the tissue, trying to get her to relax just a little. The piece of paper held in her other hand giving him all the reply he needed to understand that relaxation was not much of an option for Veronica at the moment. As the time drew nearer for Veronica to stand in front of her family, her friends, assorted people she hardly knew, strangers and the basketball team complete with many people she strongly disliked, Logan quickly bent over to whisper in her ear,
"Veronica, this is for Wallace, his family, and you. The rest of us don't matter, so when you're up there, if you start to lose it, it's OK. You're not weak, Veronica Mars, everyone who matters knows that."
Veronica gazed at him with watery eyes and whispered quickly to him as she stood up, "I'm OK, Logan" and as she took a deep breath and walked up to the podium, Logan knew she was going to get through this. He knew it because of the same things he had just told her. This was for Wallace, and Veronica wouldn't let herself let him down.
Logan had never been so proud of Veronica as when she gave the eulogy. He watched her brace herself, to try not to seem as vulnerable as she felt. He was almost surprised at how easily she began:
I owe Wallace a lot of things. I owe him a box of snicker doodles for a favor he did for me last week. I owe him an introduction to a girl I know who was in one of his classes that he thought was 'fly'. I owe him a "thank you" for the countless times he helped me out, a "sorry" for the times I let him down. And I owe him my life for more than one occasion.
Wallace not only helped to literally save my life, but he also saved me from myself. When I first met Wallace, I was completely lost and for the most part, alone. I don't know why he decided to stick with me. I was angry and bitter and desperate. Desperate for someone talk to, to be friends with, desperate for some indication that life could someday go back to normal. I needed someone who could tell that inside my cold exterior I truly was still a real live person, with feelings and needs. Wallace got that. He stuck with me in spite of all the secrets I kept, the favors I asked and the crap he got from those around him who didn't understand why he hung out with Veronica Mars. He defended me to strangers, friends and even his family, when it would have been so much easier to bow out. Wallace Fennel was fiercely loyal. To me, to his family and to those he loved. Veronica's voice began to quiver and crack. I wish I had been more appreciative of that when he was alive. I wish I could have once more day with him to tell him how much he meant to me. How much I still need my BFF to remind me that life is worth not just living, but enjoying. How he helped me to appreciate what I have. In a time when so much of my life was consumed with tragedy and betrayal, Wallace reminded me how to smile. He gave me a reason to try and live like a normal teenager again.
I owe Wallace a lot of things that I didn't have time to make good on. Tears began to calmly flow down her face and she didn't make a move to clear them. So Wallace, I promise you this: I am going to do my best to live my life in a way you would approve of. I want you to be proud of your BFF, and I will try to be half the person you were. And I promise, I will never forget you. I love you and I miss you more than I will ever be able to express now and always.
With that, Veronica walked slowly, but surely back to her seat. She folded up the eulogy, placed it in her purse and pulled out a clean tissue. Then as Logan wrapped his arm around her shoulders, she leaned into him and let herself cry.
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The ride to the cemetery was oddly peaceful. Keith drove while Veronica and Logan sat in the back seat. They were holding hands, but Veronica was staring quietly out the window, head resting on the glass, watching the rain fall. When the procession turned into the cemetery, Veronica groaned, "I don't want to do this again. It's so unfair." Logan tightened his grip on her hand, but no one in the car had a response.
The burial went by in a blur and before they knew it, people were throwing flowers into Wallace's grave and shaking Alicia's hand mournfully. As Logan expected, Veronica wanted to hold back. While they had been under the cover of a tarp for much of the ceremony, at this point they were standing outside of the shelter, just in front of Wallace's grave. Everyone quickly became soaking wet, and even with Logan's coat over her shoulders, Veronica was shivering with cold. The last guest finally left, and Keith walked with Alicia back to her waiting limo. Veronica somehow convinced Logan to stand back under the tarp while she said her final goodbye. She appreciated Logan's attention and comfort, but this was between her and Wallace. Although Veronica understood Logan's concern for her wellbeing, after all Wallace had done for her, she was not about to let a cold rain keep her from this moment.
So, while Logan sat with his head in his hands, peeking up at a distraught Veronica, Veronica kneeled in the cold mud staring down at the coffin.
"This is so unfair Wallace, and I know you would say something witty and smart if you were here, but there's honestly nothing anyone can say to me that makes this ok. I can usually search and find a reason for death. I wish I could find someone to take the blame. It wouldn't bring you back, but it would give me a purpose to be here when you aren't. I guess I'll need to find another way to cope with your death, but I want you to know: you were the most amazing best friend I could have asked for. I will never forget you and I am forever grateful for the time we had together. Goodbye, Wallace"
With that Veronica's trembling form made its way back to Logan's waiting arms. He couldn't tell if she was shaking from the cold or the tears, but he held her tightly, rubbing her back and rocking gently back and forth.
And that's how Keith found them ten minutes later, when he quietly took Logan's soaked jacket off Veronica's shoulders and replaced it with his own slightly dryer one. Then he gently took Veronica into his own arms and gave Logan the keys to the car, asking him to bring it around. After Logan left, Keith focused his attention on his daughter, who was trying her hardest to pull herself back together.
