Chapter 36: A Mean Right (Crochet) Hook

Author's note: In this chapter, Caroline and Katherine are two carefree vampires on a road trip that gets sidetracked when they manage to get arrested during a bar fight with a group of women who seem weirdly possessive about their knitting. Perhaps the arresting officer with the annoyingly sexy smirk will provide some answers?

Also, I have exciting news — my original work has been published through Amazon Digital Services LLC! It's a contemporary rom-com and a fun summer read, available for download and in paperback! See my notes at the end of this chapter for a brief synopsis. Feel free to message me with questions!


"Life...is a tale told by an idiot..."
― William Shakespeare, Macbeth


In retrospect, yarn would not have been Caroline's first choice as a go-to weapon in a bar fight, but necessity was the mother of invention, and it's not like she was just going to sit back and let a psycho Golden Girl stab Katherine with a crochet hook. She turned her blonde head to see how her friend was faring and was pleased to see that Katherine already had picked the lock on her handcuffs with one of the bobby pins that held back her tumble of brunette curls. She rattled her own handcuffs loudly in her direction, raising a questioning eyebrow. "A little help here?"

Snorting derisively, Katherine pulled the handcuffs closer to her and began working the thin metal pin against the locking mechanism until a satisfying click reached their ears. Pulling off the handcuffs, she answered, "And if I'd taken your loser advice about straightening my hair, we'd both still be in handcuffs right now, Caroline."

"Do you really think now is the time to discuss hair," Caroline hissed, glancing around the small, windowless room in which they were trapped. "We've been arrested and now we're stuck in an interrogation room. What do you think is going to happen when they run our prints and find out that we died decades ago?" Caroline groaned in frustration, rubbing her temples as she willed away her growing bloodlust. There was something about this police precinct — actually, this entire bizarre town that was setting her fangs on edge.

They had been on a road trip for a while now, touring the countryside as they searched for a new place to call home for a bit. They'd learned over their years that their vampiric natures seemed to catch wanderlust fairly easily, so they never settled down for too long in any one place. Katherine was nursing a slight heartbreak — not that she'd ever admit it, so Caroline had gone out of her way to make sure that this latest place they visited was known for its food. She was a big fan of eating her feelings, and when her foodie travel app pinged the tiny fishing village of Mount Oly as home to some of the best Greek food in the region, she couldn't resist bringing Katherine there to drown her sorrows in ouzo and pastitsio.

At first, everything was fine — they had savored succulent lemon-oregano lamb gyros, creamy bechamel sauce-topped layers of pastitsio, and sticky-sweet, flaky baklava until they were ready to burst. They had sat out by the docks drinking a few pitchers of refreshing pomegranate sangria and then...ouzo shots happened. A godawful lot of them.


Several hours and some slight preemptive vomiting ago...

Caroline could still taste the lingering traces of the licorice-flavored liquor she had imbibed. She had noticed the effect the blue-tinged shots were having on her, and she wisely had started slowing down at the bar they stumbled into. Katherine, however, had no interest in recalling the attractive, two-timing werewolf that was causing her to drink, so she kept ordering more rounds, much to the amusement of the bartender, who kept eyeing her cleavage with a twinkle in his eye.

Not that Caroline hadn't been doing some eyeing of her own. From the moment they had entered the bar, she immediately was drawn to a breathtaking man with chiseled features and piercing gray eyes that looked like the wet dream of a cover on Harlequin romance novel. His dirty blonde curls were tousled just so and Caroline could feel her fingers itching to touch them to see if they were as soft as they appeared. When she slid onto the barstool next to him, she could have sworn she detected a flicker of interest in that knowing smirk.

She sipped on her water, promising a pouting Katherine that she'd do another round of shots with her in a bit, and settled in to start her patented flirty eyes and impish smile routine to see if the sexy stranger was worth her time. She casually observed the fabric of his slate gray henley stretched deliciously over his muscles. She could sense power there, which normally would have made her wary since she couldn't determine if he was a werewolf or vampire, but instead she found herself even more intrigued. She wondered if he tasted as divine as he looked. "I'm Caroline," she ventured with an inviting smile.

"Klaus," he responded in a seductive accent she couldn't quite place. Subtly adjusting her favorite floral silk tank top to make sure her girls were looking their best, she started to lean into him and add something hopefully witty when she was interrupted by Katherine giving the bartender a rundown of the multiple reasons why werewolves were lousy lays. She nearly swallowed her tongue as her drunken road trip buddy loudly said the 'w' word, but a quick look around the bar told her that fortunately no one seemed to notice.

"Whisky dick is nothing — ever heard of werewolf dick," Katherine slurred, squinting down at her pinky finger as she kept comically moving it from rigid to limp. "Several days after the full moon, they're basically hairy eunuchs with a slobbery overbite. They waste so much energy transforming that they wear out their wolfy little wieners," she confessed in a loud stage whisper.

Klaus chuckled derisively at Katherine's words, shaking his head as he took another drink of beer. Caroline narrowed her blue eyes at him, suddenly deciding he might not be worth her time after all if he was going to be a dick about her cheerfully drunk friend. The moment he started rolling his eyes at Katherine's speech, Caroline made the decision to cut him loose — no guy, no matter how attractive, was worth more to her than her friendship with Katherine.

Caroline decided she needed a bit of distance from the condescending, curly-haired asshat in addition to Katherine's ouzo-induced word vomit, so she stood up from her barstool and was surprised to feel his hand on her arm. She refused to acknowledge the sizzling heat that made her ivory skin flush at the contact.

"Leaving so soon, love? I was hoping to buy you a drink," he said with a twinkle in his gray eyes.

"And I was hoping you weren't going to be a dick. Guess we're both disappointed," Caroline told him spitefully, grabbing her water and moving toward an empty table along one wall of the cramped bar. At first, it appeared that he would follow her, but he seemed to think better of it when he noticed where she was sitting, and instead went back to nursing his beer. Finding his behavior odd, Caroline looked around, not understanding what caused him to react that way.

She noticed that the table next to hers sat three elderly women draped in colorful paisley shawls who seemed to be working on a complicated knitting project using gold yarn. Curious about such an unusual sight in a bar, she saw how the women kept eyeing the news channel and muttering in low whispers that for some reason her supernatural hearing couldn't discern.

Katherine suddenly blundered into several empty chairs as she made her way over to where Caroline was sitting, but instead of joining her, she unexpectedly plopped down beside the three strange women and wordlessly watched them as they furiously continued crocheting. Her glassy brown eyes suddenly became alive with mischief as she began loudly singing off-key the theme to The Golden Girls. Despite her secondhand embarrassment, Caroline couldn't help but hum a few bars to the infectious song.

The three women glared at Katherine, muttering in whispers that neither vampire could hear. Never one to back down from a challenge, Katherine drunkenly grabbed an extra crochet hook sitting in a small woven basket on the water ring-soaked table and began trying to knit along one edge of the long, golden afghan-looking object the women were making.

"Katherine," Caroline hissed through gritted teeth, "step away from the afghan." She had become somewhat alarmed by the way the women immediately snapped their heads to glare malevolently at her friend in nearly perfect synchronicity. She flashed them a disarming smile and hastily said, "We don't want any trouble."

"Calm down," Katherine muttered, continuing to sloppily thread her crochet hook through the golden yarn as she whined to Caroline, "it helps with cravings. Besides, if you screw it up, you can always start over," she explained, yanking at a particularly stubborn knot her haphazard knitting had caused until she began to unravel some of the bizarre afghan the women were crocheting.

The three elderly women hissed in unison as they saw that Katherine accidentally had undone part of their work. Trying to diffuse the situation, Caroline quickly interjected, "Sorry about that! How about we treat you guys to another round of drinks?"

Nodding enthusiastically, Katherine waved her arms aimlessly in the air and yelled over her shoulder, "Hey bartender, we need some Metamucil on the rocks over here!"

Caroline groaned at Kathrine's gleeful if somewhat hazy expression, but before she could try to placate the women again, they stood up from the wobbly table, speaking in one creepy, raspy voice as they shouted,

"There once was a trollop who wailed,

Her lover's affections had paled,

Despite her desperate pleas,

He felt ill at ease

And declared their courtship had failed."

Caroline saw red at their insult even as she briefly wondered why it came in the bizarre form of a limerick. Yes, Katherine could be an obnoxious drunk, but there was never a time when slut-shaming was okay. She rose to her feet, pleased that she was wearing her stiletto gladiator sandals so she could tower over these judgey old broads. "Hey! Back off! Katherine doesn't deserve your judgmental bullshit," she snarled, helping an unsteady Katherine to her feet.

Klaus' accented voice drifted over to their standoff, laced with an odd tone of authority as he called out, "Ladies, let's just calm down, hmm?"

She inwardly winced at his poor choice of words — Katherine wasn't a fan of being told what to do even when she was sober, and Caroline already could see her spine straighten as she tossed back her brunette curls defiantly. In a spiteful move, she knocked the small basket from the table, arching her brow at the women as though daring them to make a move.

A shattering sound reached Caroline's ears and she glanced down to see a pair of golden scissors had broken on the stone floor of the bar. The old crones immediately shrieked, their wrinkled faces a terrible grimace as they chorused threateningly, "The slattern has despoiled the shears, as she pathetically drowns in tears —"

Huffing, Katherine cut off their strange, limerick-laced taunts by punching the middle woman squarely in the face. "There!" She turned to Caroline and asked, "What's up with the random annoying limericks?"

Before Caroline could answer, she noticed the crazy grandma on the right had stealthily maneuvered behind Katherine and was gripping her crochet hook tightly as she prepared to stab her. Not bothering to conceal her monster any longer, Caroline welcomed her black veins and sharp fangs as they surfaced, shouting at Katherine to duck while she grabbed the ball of golden yarn and held a strand between her two hands as she leapt toward the would-be assailant and began choking her.

Katherine's yelp of pain drew her attention and she was shocked to see that the remaining woman had chin-checked her with a swift uppercut and Katherine swayed drunkenly as she inexplicably began loudly singing, "Thank you for being a friend," she paused to deliver a short jab to the middle angry stranger who had recovered from her blow to the face and had jumped onto Katherine's back to start yanking at her long curls. Katherine managed to dislodge her with a grunt, continuing the theme song to The Golden Girls with, "Traveled down the road and back again."

Somewhere in the scuffle, Caroline had managed to lose the yarn and was nursing a sore jaw from where the raging grandma had sucker-punched her. She dodged another swing and could feel Katherine waiting expectantly on her, so rolling her eyes, she sang, "Your heart is true; you're a pal and a confidant."

Suddenly, Klaus appeared in the middle of the bar fight, but not before Caroline accidentally took a swing, narrowly missing his face as he smoothly ducked. Katherine looked around in confusion as the elderly women who had been ganging up on her suddenly stepped away, muttering under their breath as they stared at Klaus. "That's enough. Break it up," he said firmly, a steel edge to his voice. The three women inexplicably sat back down at their table, resuming their knitting and as though nothing had happened.

Klaus turned toward Caroline and Katherine, oddly calm as he studied their black veins and fangs on display and said, "You two are coming with me."

Crossing her arms stubbornly in front of her chest, Caroline snorted. "Good luck with that, asshat."

He unexpectedly smirked, telling them, "I like my odds," and then pulled out a badge.


Present

"Why couldn't we compel Klaus," Katherine asked as they sat in the cramped interrogation room.

"Maybe the better question is how did he manage to subdue two vampires with nothing more than his freakishly tight grip and a couple of pairs of handcuffs," Caroline replied with a frustrated sigh. She made a mental note to have Katherine teach her how to pick locks as this was not the first time they'd gotten arrested and with Katherine as her road trip buddy, it was probably far from their last.

"Reminds me of that time in Miami," her friend commented wistfully.

Caroline rolled her eyes. "That time involved strippers and borrowed yard gnomes and as I recall, it was your idea, so the only similarities I see between the two incidents is the fact that both were entirely your fault," she answered wryly.

"You forgot the autographed bowling ball," she told Caroline with a wink.

She shook her head, willing herself not to laugh. They needed to come up with a plan. "So obviously seeing vampires didn't phase Klaus and he seems to be something — other like we are. Also, what was the deal with the psycho Golden Girls?"

"The Fates," Klaus corrected, opening the door to the interrogation room and sitting across from them. At their incredulous expressions, he explained, "The trio you got into a brawl with were the Fates, also known as Moirai from Greek mythology. The three sister deities that represent incarnations of destiny and life."

Caroline paled. "Oh crap. They spin the thread of life and use their shears to cut the thread to end a life. No wonder they were so freaked out when Katherine started unraveling their handiwork and broke their shears."

"Guess it's a good thing no one broke a hip," Katherine quipped, toying with a brunette curl. She started humming the song, "Zero to Hero", causing Klaus to raise his eyebrows in confusion.

"Seriously? Those were the Muses that sang that in the Hercules movie, not the Fates. How can you not know that?" Caroline asked indignantly.

Katherine snorted. "Just because you forced me to watch that stupid movie over and over again doesn't mean I was paying attention," her friend corrected. "Your lady boner for Hercules is showing," she added slyly.

Blushing furiously, Caroline stubbornly crossed her arms in front of her, prickling at the amused look Klaus was giving her. "It's not like that! I just really like Greek mythology and Hercules' adventures were always my favorites to read," she said defensively.

"Far be it from me to judge, love," Klaus reassured her, his dimples bracketing a teasing smile. "Now, regarding your current predicament, it's standard policy for me to bring in any supernatural creatures who display aggression to make sure they won't be a problem in Mount Oly."

"You weren't surprised to see vampires," Katherine said shrewdly.

Klaus chuckled as though enjoying a private joke. "You'd be amazed at the things I see in my line of work. There's days that I feel more like animal control when I have to tussle with a particularly large...cat and unruly, uh...dog. And don't get me started on the incident in the farmer's market when a dim-witted tourist tried to steal the Hesper...uh, a farmer's co-op's apples."

Caroline absolutely refused acknowledge the way his police uniform snugly fit him, beautifully outlining the firm muscles that his clothes only hinted at earlier. Shaking her head, a thought just occurred to her. "Wait — Mount Oly...is Mount Olympus?"

Klaus grumbled, "The stubborn Kraken kept eating that part of the sign, so we finally just changed the name."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Katherine interjected, throwing her hands in the air. "Now we'll never leave." She jabbed her thumb in Caroline's direction and told Klaus, "She's a huge mythology nerd in addition to her massive crush on Hercules."

Caroline lightly swatted her friend, and in a shrill voice she hastily explained, "It's not that bad. I just grew up on bedtime stories about mythology and I've always been fascinated by Hercules and the gods and..." she trailed off, feeling her cheeks redden as Klaus studied her with a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

He stood up unexpectedly, opening the door to the room and telling them, "I'm trusting that you two won't cause any more problems during your stay here, so you're free to go." He cleared his throat, surprisingly shy as he looked at Caroline under his thick lashes. "If you like, um...I could introduce you to the Kraken, sweetheart."

Blue eyes widening in excitement, Caroline said, "Really? That sounds amazing!"

Pushing past the two, Katherine breezily interrupted, "Awesome. So while Klaus shows you his Kraken, I'm going to go look for one of the Hecatoncheires giants. Just imagine the possibilities with those hundred hands," she purred, causing both Caroline and Klaus to blush as she flounced away.

Biting her bottom lip, Caroline said awkwardly, "Are you sure you have time to show me around your town?"

"Of course, love." Klaus patted his chest as though noticing something was missing. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his gold name tag, explaining, "I'm always happy to show off what our quaint little town has to offer." He added with a sexy smirk, "Especially to a fan."

With a flourish, he finished pinning the shiny object to his chest, the block letters spelling out 'Sheriff Hercules'.


As I mentioned earlier, I've published an original novel through Amazon Digital Services LLC. You can find a link to it on my tumblr: supremeuppityone

It's called Chicken and Vice. Feel free to message me for more info!

Here's a brief synopsis:

Chicken and dumplings have never been so sexy!

Just ask Lily Cantrell, owner of the Saucy Wench Restaurant. A chance meeting at a nightclub with a mysterious, sexy British stranger named Jack turns her world into a pineapple upside-down cake from which she may never recover! Especially when she learns that Jack is a deviled egg-ecutive of Augustine Enterprises, the dastardly conglomerate that has harassed her to no end trying to buy the recipe for her famous chicken and dumplings.

Sparks fly as Jack relentlessly pursues Lily, but is he after her heart or her chef secrets? Fortunately, this fussy foodie can count on her zany grandmothers and friends to help her get to the root-abaga of Jack's intentions (in between rounds of mahjong and Kitchen Peeper Bingo, that is!).

Chicken and Vice takes the reader on an enjoyable journey where our characters learn that letting someone in has never been so terrifying — or rewarding.