Hinata and Naruto were in a meeting room working through some paperwork and bills.
"How in the world did this happen?" asked Hinata. "You're the Hokage and I thought we've settled Tsunade-sama's bills."
"Not to mention that the budget for adding my head on the mountain has somehow made its way to paying those two idiots for painting the entire building," added Naruto.
Hinata sighed. "I just don't understand. Last month, everything was all fine. How did things get so bad?"
Naruto crossed his arms. "Here's what I think. It all started yesterday, which two days ago, we would have foolishly called 'tomorrow', when I was on the way here with your hot coffee when I heard a familiar and distressing voice..."
The room around Naruto and Hinata begins to distort into a flashback...
Flashback: Yesterday
Naruto was walking towards the Hokage building wearing an oven mitten carrying an extremely hot glass of coffee when he meets up with Lee, who happens to be jogging.
"Naruto. Ran out of paper cups?" asked Lee.
"No," said Naruto. "Hinata likes her boiling hot coffee this way."
"Never like coffee. Too much caffeine," said Lee. "Causes me to lose control and shake like an idiot."
"Really? I guess that's why the computers never run properly in the building."
From the writer who did the Maito Gai Fanfiction Series brings...
The Hokage Files
07: The 595 Ryou Chicken Sandwich
Disclaimers: All characters, cast, crew, ideas, blackouts and bashings belong to their respective owners. No Anime characters were brutally harmed in the writing of this fanfic.
A/N: Can you spot the cameos and cosplays in this fanfic?
Lee was already at the top floor, with Naruto getting out of the elevator.
"I win. Pay up," said Lee, holding out his hand.
Naruto sees that his hands are full, with one hand holding Hinata's coffee and the other holding his Chicken sandwich.
"Best out of three?"
"You're on!" Lee runs down the stairs.
"Sucker," mumbled Naruto. He decided to go somewhere else. Naruto sees Shizune.
"THE CHUNIN EXAMS HAVE BEEN CANCELED!" both Shizune and Naruto screamed.
Naruto smiled. "I knew it."
"Hokage-sama!" Anko was at Shizune's desk with a large. "I've completed the B-Rank mission and somehow the clients were so happy with our services that they even gave us a bag of their local onions."
"Wa?"
"Anyway, I'm off for some Dango." Anko leaves the bag on Shizune's desk and disappears.
"You're kidding me?" Naruto looks around the room. Shizune has just left, but Sakura has walked in. "Hey, Sakura-chan, could you help me get rid of a bag of onions?"
"What!"
"I'll double your pay for this month if you do," said Naruto, walking off to a door. "By the way, where's Kotetsu?"
Naruto opens the door, knocking Kotetsu down, who happens to be carrying a broken printer, with the printer flying up into the air and hitting Kotetsu in the head.
Naruto walks in and sees Kotetsu on the floor. "Sorry about that," apologized Naruto, accidentally spilling some coffee down Kotetsu's pants.
"AHHHH!"
Meanwhile, Hinata was with a client in her office when the heard Kotetsu's scream.
At the same time, Sasuke and another two clients heard the screams inside Naruto's office.
Naruto looked at the 'damage' as Sakura, Shizune and Lee watched Kotetsu rolling around in pain, after getting his hot coffee on his pants, getting hit in the head by a broken printer and getting knocked down by a door that the Hokage opened.
"I think I'd better go see Sasuke."
Naruto sneaks by Hinata's office to get into his own office, where Sasuke was speaking to the clients inside. Naruto walks in and puts his chicken sandwich on the desk.
"I won't be long, Sasuke."
Naruto walks to Hinata's office and puts the cup containing the remainder of Hinata's coffee.
"Well, that's all they got."
"Don't tell me you bought your 595 Ryou Chicken Sandwich?"
Naruto rolls his eyes. "What makes you think I would buy it?"
Naruto returned to his office, where Sasuke and the clients were waiting.
"Sorry about that. Had an issue involving some painters. What's the story, Sasuke?"
"Konno Mitsune and Keitaro Urashima of the Kit Fox Crew on HINA FM," said Sasuke. "They have an issue over the President of Japan and they want to avoid a defamation lawsuit. So, we need to find the right words to use..."
Naruto rubbed his chin. "Well, the first words I could think of that won't lead to defamation are 'pig', 'monkey' and 'scared little puppy dog'."
A sneeze was heard at the Yamanaka flower shop.
Followed by one in a locked room in the Hokage Building.
And one more sneeze was heard at the Inuzuka household.
"We could compile a list and fax it to you..."
Naruto accidentally sits on his chicken sandwich on his desk.
"I think I got a very important issue involving the Chunin Exams. Please...I'll leave you in the hands of Sasuke."
"Lazy Idiot," mumbled Sasuke.
Naruto heard that but thought it was for the list. "That's a good one, Sasuke."
Hinata was with a client.
"Don't worry. When we send out our Genins to collect your furniture, we will be sure to treat them with great importance and respect, just as we would with our customers."
Hinata sees Naruto outside her office showing Shizune his orange pants with remains of a chicken sandwich on its bottom instead of wearing the pants.
Luckily, the client didn't see Naruto's lack of pants.
"I look like an idiot," said Naruto, with his orange jacket and black t-shirt on, but wearing green spandex to cover the bottom half of his body. Lee and Shizune checked out Naruto's new fashion statement. Half his and half Gai's.
"You don't look so bad, Naruto," said Lee.
"Maybe if you roll up the pants, it won't look like you have Gai's bottom half donated to you," suggested Shizune.
Hinata walks by when she sees Lee. "Oh my god, Lee. At least put on some underwear. This is the Hokage's building, for Pika's sake."
"I'll go sendyour pantsto the cleaners so that you have something to wear when you go home," Shizune said, walking off.
"Well, the spandex has to come from somewhere," said Lee as he finishes rolling up the bottom half of Naruto's (originally Lee's) spandex.
"What do you think, Naruto?"
Naruto looks at the oddly rolled up spandex. "It looks ok...believe it."
Kakashi walks by, giving a wolf whistle.
Hinata was setting up a meeting room when Naruto appears, wearing his Hokage Robes.
"You think someone won't notice that I'm not wearing any pants under these robes, Hinata-chan?"
"Unless someone uses the Byakugan strong enough to see through your robes," Hinata said as she sets up the table. "But I don't have time to give you fashion advice. I got a very important meeting over an insurance issue with Shikamaru."
"I know, but I prefer to wear my robes only for formal occasions," explained Naruto. "And besides, I don't want to walk down the street with people paying their respects. It would make me out of character!"
(A/N: Well, it's your fault for sitting your big fat butt on your big fat sandwich, messing up your big fat pants.)
Hinata tries out some Naruto poses. "Naruto-kun. Which pose should I try out? Your 'Believe it!' pose, your 'I will be come Hokage' pose or your 'I will bring back Sasuke' pose?"
Naruto watched Hinata. "I think my 'Believe it!' pose should do."
Hinata does Naruto's 'Believe it!' pose.
Naruto gives his thumbs up. "Yep."
"How about you doing your 'Believe it!' pose, Naruto-kun?"
Naruto does his 'Believe it!' pose.
"That's why I love you, Naruto-kun."
Naruto was about to kiss Hinata when she stopped him.
"Not here, Naruto-kun. Especially not without your pants."
"I'll just get to work in my office."
Naruto was at his desk with Shizune putting the latest issue of the Icha Icha series on Naruto's desk.
"You don't seem to be in the mood for reading, Naruto-sama? Jiraiya-sama has added a new recipe for Curry Ramen in it."
Sakura calls in through the intercom. "Hokage-sama. There's someone familiar on his way to your office."
"I'll go check on your pants." Shizune leaves the room and the familiar person enters the Hokage's office.
"Can I help you?" asked Naruto.
"Yes. You may remember me. I was once a member of you team." The person smiled. "You may remember me as Sai."
"Oh, ok."
"And I was wondering if you are happy with your current insurance policy."
"Wa?"
"You see. We have a new insurance policy that covers certain personal bits, like your pe..."
At that moment, Naruto remembered who Sai is. "WHAT!"
Sai was being pushed out of the Hokage building. "If you are satisfied with your current insurance policies, are you interested in enlarging your pe..."
"OUT!" screamed Naruto. "The next time you come into the Hokage building mentioning private parts, I'll personally cut yours off!"
Sai runs off scared...
Naruto turns around and sees Sasuke was at the fax machine at Shizune's desk with Sakura working at the desk when Naruto walked into the room, looking at the half-painted room.
"Just faxing the list to the Kit Fox Crew," said Sasuke.
"What the hell is it with those two Genins?" said Naruto. "I asked them to paint the place if they want to date my daughters and all they do is slack off and now they want to sue me for unfair child labor and employer negligence! It's a freaking E-Rank Mission to paint the entire Hokage building!"
Naruto sees the bag of Onions still on Shizune's desk, where Sakura was working. "Sakura! I thought I told you to get rid of the onions!"
"Make me" said Sakura as she takes some phone calls.
"Alright, I'll cut your pay in half..."
"Fine!" Sakura picked up the bag of onions and carried it off.
Sasuke sighed. "I just don't understand why you won't do the job yourself? You can make Shadow Clones."
Naruto looked at Sasuke. "Why didn't I think of that?" Sasuke shrugged.
"Hey, Sasuke...now that I think about it. Do you still have your video camera?"
"Why? You want pictures of my wife? I got far too many of them so I could give them to you if you ask."
Naruto shakes his head. "No, I need the camera to film those Genins..." Naruto realized Sasuke's question. "Why would I want pictures of Sakura-chan?"
Sasuke remembered Naruto's density, so he had to think fast. "Passport photos."
"I just need your video camera, Sasuke."
"Alright. But I'm the one who's going to be the one holding it."
"That's fine with me." Naruto looks around. "Now, I need something fast to get in and get out. Those Genins would be sure to keep a lookout on the roofs and road so we need something...like a disguise."
Sakura returned to Shizune's desk.
"Sakura-chan. Do you know Cosplay?"
Hinata picked up her files and was about to leave her room when she tripped over the bag of onions right outside her office.
A bicycle with two riders arrived in front of the Inuzuka household. One wearing a red cap on his head and the other with short pink hair tied into a ponytail. The two riders went behind a bush, where Naruto was in his Hokage robes, waiting.
"Well?" asked the sixth Hokage.
"I've went around the top of buildings to see if they were looking out," said the guy in the red cap. "Seems that they're not looking out from the roof."
"And they're not keeping a lookout from the streets either," said the girl with the pink haired ponytail.
"Great. Then we'll wait here and watch from here."
Naruto looked out of the bushes with his teammates. "I can't say that this is the best place to hide, but I don't have my pants," explained Naruto. "Sasuke, get the camera ready."
"Ok." Sasuke takes the video camera and rewinds the tape.
Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke watched a healthy looking Garu walking out of the Inuzuka compound to check the letter box for any mail, only to see junk mail, so he dump the stuff into a bin and returned to his home.
"Did you get that, Sasuke?" asked Naruto.
"Did I get what?" Sasuke asked back, as he held the camera in his hand.
"Bastard! Are you trying to make us lose our Insurance Premiums here? Those idiot Genins hiding out in the Inuzuka compound are trying to sue us and you're annoying me by not filming their activities?"
Naruto suddenly has a strange feeling that something is not right back at the building...
Meanwhile, back at the Hokage Building…
Shizune tripped over a bag of onions. Kakashi appeared from behind a wall and made a wolf whistle at the fallen Jonin.
Sasuke was bored, so he decides to switch on the portable radio on Sakura's bicycle.
Radio: "This is the Kit Fox Crew on HINA FM!"
Sakura laughs. "I love this show."
Radio (as President Goku's Clueless Voice): "Bweh! I'm a doufus!"
BOING!
Naruto couldn't wait anymore. "That's it." Naruto stood up. "Sakura, stay with the bicycle...Sasuke bring the camera and follow me."
Naruto and Sasuke sneak through the back door into the Inuzuka compound.
Suddenly, a dog over a fence in the Inuzuka yard started barking, catching the two shinobis off guard, with Sasuke nearly dropping his camera.
"Oh no..."
Luckily, the camera safely landed in Naruto's grasp.
"Thanks, Naruto," said Sasuke. "Sakura will kill me if I broke that."
"Really?" Naruto was about to throw the camera onto the floor.
"Nooo!"
Naruto held back. "Just kidding." Naruto sees a window on the second floor. "They might be hiding out on the second floor. Sasuke, why don't you get me something to stand on?"
"Why don't you get it yourself, idiot?" asked Sasuke.
"Why don't I demote you to a Genin and see how you like it?" retorted Naruto.
Sasuke walks around the corner and returns with a doormat.
"I need something taller."
Sasuke drops the doormat and walks off...and returns with a broom.
"Just get me something to stand on or you'll be studying at the academy for the next ten years!"
Sasuke returns with a wooden ladder.
"Great. Now, climb up there and take a look."
Sasuke puts the ladder over a garbage bin and climbed up to the window. Nothing happened, so Sasuke looked at his boss.
"Action!" hissed Naruto and Sasuke start the video recording.
On the second floor of the Inuzuka household, Sasuke sees and records something that is just too random to describe. The Inuzuka kid was wearing a doggy outfit while the Aburame kid was wearing a giant dog biscuit while dancing to techno music. But, no matter how weird the scene is, it's enough evidence for Naruto.
Sasuke gives a look at Naruto.
Naruto climbed up the ladder to Sasuke's height and look inside next to Sasuke.
"That's way too random."
A crack was heard. The wooden ladder was never meant to support two grown men...
In the Inuzuka household, Garu and Shirai heard a loud crash outside the second floor window...so they are about to investigate...
...Naruto and Sasuke were in an awkward position, especially when Naruto doesn't have any pants. Both men were stuck in one garbage bin, facing each other.
"We got to get out of here!"
Both Naruto and Sasuke shook their way out of the bin and quickly made a run for it.
"We'll split up and meet up at Ichiraku's!" ordered Naruto.
Sasuke tried to climb over a fence, only to find himself in the Inuzuka's dog yard. "Crap!"
As Sasuke gets mauled by dogs, Naruto was able to escape and make his way to Sakura.
"Sakura, move! We're riding the bike!"
Naruto sat on the bicycle and Sakura climbed on Naruto's shoulders. "Where's my husband!"
"He'll live! We got to go!"
"Stop, thief!" screamed Garu, followed by Shirai.
Naruto takes the bicycle on a wild ride around Konoha to escape from their pursuers. The radio on Sakura's bike switched on.
Radio: (Goku's Clueless Voice): Bweh...I was under the impression that it would be a case of Destination: Disneyland."
Radio: "The president is a dob..."
Naruto interrupts the radio.
"Hang on; what's what Sasuke cal...
Sakura interrupts Naruto...
"Naruto! Look out for Cho..."
Sakura was interrupted as Naruto lost control of the bike, causing both Naruto and Sakura to scream...
1 1/2 seconds later...
Both Naruto and Sakura were stuck under a bicycle on the aftermath of an accident trying to avoid Choji carrying a large bag of groceries.
At the Hokage Building, Lee has finally got the computer system up and running.
"Shizune-sama! I got the computer system up and running!"
"This better not be a joke." Shizune limps to her computer.
"Mission accomplished, Hinata-sama!"
Hinata walked out and sees Shizune's computer. "Are you sure, Lee?"
Shizune was able to use her computer without any problems. "It's working."
"And not to mention, now Shizune can access Hinata's computer, Naruto's computer, the server, Tsunade's accounts and I even have time to install a RTS (Real Time Strategy) game for the kids to play."
"That's great," said Hinata.
Shizune looked at Lee. "Rock Lee, take a bow."
Lee was about to make a bow but Hinata stopped him. "Not when you're not wearing underwear, Lee."
Shizune notices something strange on the computer. "I see a bomb ticking. And my computer has frozen." Shizune sniffs the air. "And why do I smell burning."
"Errr...let me see." Lee presses a button, only to get a zap.
Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura were at Ichiraku's Ramen, battered, bruised, ripped clothing, a damaged video recorder, a destroyed bicycle and an injured Sakura. Luckily for Naruto, the Hokage robe Naruto's wearing hides his lack of pants. They were having a meal, with Sakura wearing a temporary neck brace she made, since she's a medic-nin.
"I can't understand how I got that word up on the show? I didn't put that on the list," said Naruto, slurping his Ramen. "Especially when it involves something copyrighted meant to insult me."
"I did," said Sasuke. "I didn't think they would use it. I wrote it on the top saying that it was from you. Maybe they didn't know that I always call you that in other fanfics..."
Sakura and Naruto gave a look at Sasuke.
Today...
Naruto, Hinata, Shikamaru, Sasuke, Sakura, Lee, Shizune, Garu, Shirai and a man in a suit were in the meeting room.
"Ok, the agenda of this meeting is to settle a few legal, medical and financial issues we have. Currently, what we have are Garu and Shirai's claims over an unfair job, 2nd degree burns on Kotetsu because Naruto spilt hot coffee down his pants, the Kit Fox Crew suing us for negligence on defamation advice, resulting them from being banned by the Japanese Broadcasting Authority and Shizune's broken foot from tripping over a bag of onions."
"I just need you to pay for the x-ray," said Shizune.
"Anything else?" asked Hinata.
Sakura tossed out some files. "Here are the claims for my broken neck," said Sakura, pointing at the neck brace she's wearing. "And my bicycle...and my back for carrying those onions."
"So you were the one put the onions there?" asked Hinata.
"The 'Hokage' asked me to put it there."
Hinata gave a glare at Naruto.
Sasuke puts out two files. "I also got the bill for the camera and the shots for rabies. But I won't ask for the bill for my medical checkup because I feel guilty over the Japanese Broadcasting Authority issue."
"Drop the camera and we'll have a deal," said Naruto.
Sasuke takes the camera bill. "Sure."
"And the shots," adds Naruto.
"That's my final offer," said Sasuke, only to realize that Naruto has tricked him and Sakura has sent a death glare towards Sasuke. "...oh shit."
Garu held out three files. "In addition to our claims, we would like to add in harassment, trespass and property damage."
Naruto grinned and held out a video tape and puts it on the desk. "I'll see to your claims and I'll raise you with a video tape of you doing certain activities."
Garu and Shirai looked at each other. Shirai shakes his head. "I'm out," said Garu, slamming his files on the table.
Lee takes out a receipt. "I got a claim asking for 500 ryou for the Spandex I gave Naruto."
"There's also a complaint from the electricity company over fused wiring for the entire Hokage Building," said Naruto.
Lee takes his receipt back. "I'll withdraw my case and we'll call it even, Hokage-sama."
Hinata looked at the list of claims. "So, that leaves Kotetsu's hospital bill, the negligence claim, Shizune's toe, Sakura's medical bills and bicycle..."
Naruto points behind Sakura. "Look over there!"
Sakura forcefully turns her neck, only for it to hurt. "Owwww..."
"I thought she was faking it," meekly said Naruto, hoping to avoid a massive beating.
"Well, the good news is that we have a representative from the Leaf Insurance Agency here, so take it up with him," said Hinata, pointing at the man in the suit.
"Actually, I'm actually the receiver for the Leaf Insurance Agency. Leaf Insurance has been liquidated on Monday," said the suited guy.
Naruto was stunned at the news. Realizing that he has no choice, he sighed and takes out a checkbook and a pen. "Ok, how much do you want?"
Meanwhile...
Sai was working on his computer.
"That should do it for my Blog. Now, to check my Emails." Sai opens his emails and sees the list of mails he has received.
"Here's a good one." Sai begins typing a reply. "Yes, I am interested in enlarging my Pe...
End of 09
