18 The Problem With Mondo

Title: I'm Not an Angel

Mondo's entire being is focused on the warm body pressed tight to his back, his insides as fucked up as they always are these days. The sound of bright, happy laughter can barely be heard over the roar of his hog, but dear god is it the best sound he's ever heard in his life. Mondo lets out whoops of excitement with every turn he takes at the old arena that he was finally able to take Taka to, feeling happier than he's felt… ever, he thinks. And it's all thanks to one absolutely incredible boy. All of it.

Today has been a good day, he thinks with a hint of bitterness, grip on the handles a bit tighter than they should be. And he knows how contradictory it is to be bitter about something arguably good, but… well. Considering the week that he and Taka have had, the slight bitterness has some merit, he feels. And it ain't like it's been a /bad/ week, really. Fuck no! In fact, he'd say it's been a pretty decent one.

It's just… well. It's just been a long week. A very long, very /confusing/ week. A week full of clenched stomachs and hitched breaths, a sensation of yearning that has permanently taken up residence inside his chest for reasons that he refuses to examine closely for fear of what he may find. Unfortunately, every time he looks at Taka the feeling grows larger and larger, until it consumes him entirely, so bright it's honestly kind of terrifying. He hates the feeling as much as he loves it, which is confusing enough that part of him wants to make it all stop already. To never have to deal with it for as long as he lives.

And yet… and yet he can't stop. Can't force Taka away. Can't even put a hint of distance between the two of them, not without a stab of absolute pain and misery hitting him. Not now that things between him and his kyoudai are finally /good/ again. And they are good, he'd say. More or less. He just wishes things weren't so fucking complicated all the time.

It really doesn't help that Taka has been having a fucking /wet dream/ every goddamn night this week. It's honestly the worst fucking torture he's ever been subjected to, not gonna lie. Having to lie there as Taka moans so fucking prettily, humping his leg like a goddamn champ. Breathily moaning his /goddamn name/ over and over, begging him for shit he can't fucking begin to fathom, let alone give. And since they've been naturally falling asleep facing one another every night, having Taka hump him almost always forces the kid's thigh against his own dick, which is inconvenient for many reasons.

For one, it's caused Mondo to have a couple of dreams of his own, some weird ass shit he refuses to think about in the light of day because they're meaningless. So what, he constantly is dreaming of slamming Taka into a wall and ravishing the fuck out of him? Of taking the kid apart, slowly, intimately, watching him as he sobs with pleasure, not pain? Of touching every last inch of that pale, creamy skin, body on fire as he explores his kyoudai in the most intimate of ways? It's not real, it's not important, and it ultimately doesn't matter. And unlike Taka, Mondo's wet dreams are always quiet and motionless, so it ain't like the kid will ever know about them. It's just that simple.

The other reason it's a problem is… it bothers the kid. His constant wet dreams. And that's the bigger issue. Taka can barely meet his eyes in the morning anymore, even though Mondo has done everything he can think of to let the kid know he's okay with it. He tried teasing Taka at first, hoping it would let him know he doesn't mind, even sometimes trying to indicate subtly that he /knows what the kid is fucking dreaming of and isn't bothered by it/, but it seemed to bother the kid, so he stopped that shit early on. And later, he even tried offering some advice on how to lessen the likelihood of getting a wet dream (like jerking off before bed), but that just made Taka's entire face bloom bright red, his shoulders a tense line, looking so miserable that Mondo cut that conversation very short. By this point, he's not really sure how to address the situation without mortifying his poor kyoudai. Or without revealing shit that he refuses to even acknowledge in himself…

Altogether, it's made things kind of tense between the two of them again, which fucking destroys Mondo. He can feel the tension bleeding from Taka's every pore and he fucking hates it. It's even more noticeable now that they spend practically every second of every day together. They wake up together, they eat meals together, they go to classes together, they do homework together... Mondo has even started tagging along with Taka on the patrols he does in the halls, providing the kid with some mindless chatter as he searches for 'ne'er-do-wells,' or whatever he calls them. The only time they're not really together is when Mondo is training with Chi every night (something he started up last week after telling the dude he'll help him, Chi so grateful he almost cried) or when they're in the bathroom. But even then, Mondo is constantly thinking of Taka. It's like he's invading every aspect of his life, really.

And it's not a bad thing. It's really not. Mondo actually really likes how close he and Taka have been recently. Likes how /Taka/ wants them to be this close. After a solid week of panicking that he was going to lose Taka entirely, the knowledge that Taka actually /wants/ to be close to him is just… everything. Absolutely everything.

The only problem with their closeness is that Taka's increasing tension is even more noticeable now than before. And if the cause isn't Mondo, then… then what? His da? The shit he went through in the past? His embarrassment at his wet dreams? Something else entirely? A mix of multiple things? Mondo doesn't know and it's causing him to be tense, too, not knowing how to help Taka. He's been trying not to bother Taka about it, but fuck is it hard. He just… he just wants to help the kid.

Other than the tension situation, however, Mondo has to say things have been pretty good between him and Taka. Very good, really. Mondo still remembers what happened Tuesday, when they got most of their exam results back. Mondo had been more nervous than he's ever been to get exam results, worried that even with all the help Taka gave him, he'd still fucking fail at everything, proving how stupid he is. He'd been tense as shit that first class, waiting impatiently for the results, Leon teasing the crap out of him until Mondo threatened him for the hundredth time.

But then, when he'd finally gotten the exam back… he'd been absolutely astonished to discover that he'd actually managed to get a solid /B/. On a fucking /Algebra/ exam. And yeah, math was always one of his better subjects— whenever he could be bothered to try— but he's fairly positive he'd never gotten higher than a C on a math exam before. Hell, on /any/ exam before. Taka had been so fucking proud of him for it, too, looking at him with fucking stars in his eyes, like it was the most impressive shit ever, even though the kid got an A+ on the exam, of course.

And then as they day progressed, even more astonishingly, Mondo had discovered that he'd gotten solid Bs in every other class, too, with a high B+ in history. By the end of the school day Mondo had felt strangely /proud/ of himself, and also… a little relieved. Knowing that maybe he wasn't inherently stupid, that maybe Taka was right when he said he could do well if he honestly put the effort in and tried his best… it made him wonder what else he could do if he put his mind to it. And he doesn't think he'll ever be an Einstein, but… if he can just not be an absolute dumbass, then maybe he… he can actually deserve to be friends with… shit. Whatever.

Taka had been extremely proud of him, too, which had felt nice. The kid had even insisted they go on their ride that night, claiming that it was the perfect time for it. Unfortunately, the weather was as shitty as it had been for the past three days— a small snowstorm blowing in and everything— and even Mondo had known how dangerous riding in that weather would be. He's done it before, likely will again, but like hell would he ever endanger his kyoudai like that. He quite literally would rather die.

So, instead, they'd stayed in that day and played some old video games that Mondo used to play with Daiya, Chi having fixed his old console for him a few days before. Mondo could tell that Taka had absolutely hated every video game, his face all pinched and lips turned down into a little frown when he thought Mondo wasn't looking, though he did his best to pretend otherwise. It had honestly kinda warmed his heart a little to know that the kid was willing to do shit he wasn't a fan of just to make Mondo happy. He also kind of hated it, not wanting to force the kid to do anything he didn't like, and he privately vowed to not make Taka do that shit again. The kid much preferred the movies they watched later that night— some Ghibli shit— and Mondo much preferred pulling Taka close and cuddling with him under some warm blankets. It was a win-win, really.

And then, the next day… Teach gave them back their literature essays they had to write about /Fahrenheit 451/ (a confusing as fuck novel, but with Taka's dedication and care, he'd been able to mostly understand the symbolism and metaphors the book was trying to convey) and he discovered he got a fucking /A-/ on that shit. An A goddamn minus! Mondo had never, not once, gotten an A on a homework assignment before. He didn't even know that shit was possible for him. And when Teach gave him a warm fucking look, stating that 'I knew you had it in you, Owada-san. I am very proud'? Fuck, he… he had felt so overwhelmed and shocked and fucking… /happy/. Happy he'd managed to impress her. Happy he'd not let her down. Just… happy. And Taka had been happy for him, pride overflowing in his sparkling eyes. It had been mesmerizing.

Taka had insisted they go out on their ride that night to celebrate, weather be 'darned,' but of course it decided to rain, turning the snow into ice. And not only would driving have been dangerous, but it also could have ruined his baby, and so Mondo suggested they just stay in again and watch some more movies and shit. Taka had seemed disappointed, like he actually /wanted/ to go riding with him, but the kid had agreed readily enough.

What's most frustrating is that that kind of shit just kept on happening. Every time they made plans to head out, it would either rain, hail, or snow (or a strange mix of all three), forcing them to stay inside. By Saturday, Mondo was getting pretty fucking frustrated with the goddamn weather. It'd been ages since he'd gone out for a ride in general, longer than he usually went, and that had been making him antsy. And /fuck/ did he want to go out riding with Taka. He wanted that so fucking bad.

And then. Today. Mondo had looked outside the window hesitantly as soon as he woke up and saw that it was neither raining nor snowing. When he's gone out to check the ground quickly before breakfast, he'd seen that the pavement was pretty clear of ice, too, the government actually doing its fucking job for once and throwing some salt around. All in all, it had been a beautiful Sunday morning that would be fucking /perfect/ for riding.

They had collectively decided that they'd head out quickly after breakfast to not chance anything with the weather. Taka had curiously asked where they'd be headed, and Mondo explained it was somewhere close that he'd found while riding before they'd became friends. Taka hadn't asked anymore questions after that and just smiled sweetly, agreeing readily.

The drive to the arena was a fairly simple one that he'd driven so many times he could prolly do it in his sleep. Taka hadn't been clinging quite as tightly to his back, which Mondo figured was a good thing, really. Maybe one day the kid won't feel any nerves while riding his baby. Shit, that would be fucking nice.

The confused expression Taka got on his face once they finally arrived at the arena was honestly precious as fuck. His eyebrows had been furrowed and his lips pulled down in a slight frown, and when he'd looked at Mondo, his head had been tilted curiously, like a goddamn puppy. Mondo hadn't been able to contain his enthusiasm, bouncing on his heels as he looked around the unremarkable lot.

"'S an old bike racin' arena," Mondo had explained, grinning with excitement. "Not a legal one, don't think, but shit, man, it's fuckin' great. Places like this are heaven on earth, goddamn. Ya can just run the track, 'round an' 'round, fast as ya want with no one ta stop ya or yell at ya. Police don't exactly care 'bout one lone biker, s'long as ya don't cause havoc or shit. I've been here dozens a' times since school started. First was just missin' my gang, wantin' ta feel the thrill a' bein' part a' somethin'. Then I just... kept comin' back, usu'ly ta help clear my head. Heh... came here a few times after our fights, back when we... ya know. Were on bad terms an' shit. Figured, if ya liked riding on my hog but wanted ta feel safe an' shit, this is the best place. Ya... heh. Ya can even take off yer helmet, if ya wanna. Ain't sayin' ya gotta! Do what makes ya feel safe, s'all good. But, uh... this place? It's safe. Like, always some danger when ridin' a hog, but I'm good enough ta know what I'm doin'. An' I've been on this lot several times, not ta mention dozens a' others like it. Ain't gonna find a better place, kyoudai. But s'just a suggestion. Don't gotta, heh..."

Mondo had seen Taka's reluctance at the suggestion and had been prepared for the kid to turn him down. He'd not even seriously meant the suggestion, having said it more as an after thought than anything else. And the longer Taka went without saying anything, just looking at him while worrying his lip, the more uncertain Mondo had felt about the entire thing. He'd tried to backtrack, claiming that the kid didn't have to if he didn't want to, that he could just ride around with his helmet on, it was fine, but then… then Taka had taken a deep breath, smiled so fucking beautifully, and claimed that he wanted to try it even despite his fear.

Mondo, of course, had been skeptical of the abrupt change in demeanor, thinking Taka was doing his martyr shit again, but after a bit of a back and forth, in which Taka insisted he was being truthful, his eyes wide and beguiling… Mondo began to accept that Taka meant it. The thought made him grin brightly, full of so much happiness at the thought of Taka /trusting him/ like that.

And all of that is what led to this moment. Taka clinging to his back while Mondo drives around the track again and again, heart fuller than it's ever been. He can feel Taka's face pressed against his shoulder blades and it's the most incredible sensation ever. All of this is. Taka riding with him. Taka /laughing/ with joy at the ride. Taka… Taka wanting this. With him. Together. Mondo can't describe how incredible this whole thing is. He truly can't.

Mondo has to say that this is the most alive he's felt in /years/. Ever since Daiya… well. Ever since then, it's kind of felt like he was sleep walking through life. Going through the motions. He'd drink, and he'd drive, and he'd fight, and he'd lead, and… that's about it. He rarely did shit just because he wanted to do it, rarely put much thought into his actions at all. Mondo never realized how much he'd been hurting until he met Taka and all that pain just… vanished. And yeah, there is still pain inside him, especially when he and Taka had been kind of fighting, but it's not nearly as bad as it once had been. Taka is like a balm to his nerves, soothing and relaxing. He makes Mondo want to do better. Be better. And he… he makes Mondo happy. So goddamn happy. Every second he spends with the kid is incredible. He… he loves him so fucking much, so incredibly much. Mondo is positive there ain't shit he wouldn't do for Taka. Absolutely nothing.

The thought honestly scares Mondo a little, and so he finds himself slowing his baby down, thinking a break is in order. Just a small one, one where he's a bit away from Taka and can breathe for a moment. 'Sides. His baby needs some TLC, since the cold weather isn't good for her, and he can feel her start to get testy after about twenty minutes of riding. And he thinks the kid could use a break, too. Going super hard right out the gate is a sure-fire way to overwhelm someone. It was bad enough that Mondo took Taka somewhere pretty far for his first ride. Taking breaks might be good here.

And yet, as Mondo rolls to a stop, he finds that Taka… Taka doesn't seem to want to stop. He can hear the kid let out a soft noise of complaint, arms tightening around his chest minutely. It makes Mondo's heart race, but he knows taking a break will be for the best for everyone involved. Even if he doesn't quite want to go…

"Heh... should take a break, kyoudai. Can go again in a minute. Good ta pace yerself if y'ain't used ta this kinda thing, ya know?" Mondo calls back to the kid, turning to face him a little. He can't see much of Taka, the kid's face still buried in his back, but what he does see makes his heart race. Taka always does. Mondo can feel soft, shuddery breaths fan over his neck and it's so fucking good. He can hear Taka laugh softly— breathily— as he gently pries the kid's hands off his chest, not wanting to but knowing he has to.

Taka does eventually let go, but Mondo can feel the reluctance in his body, the boy's arms squeezing just a bit too tight. It makes Mondo's heart race faster, his blood singing through his veins. He can see a sliver of Taka's face from his angle now, can see the bright, luminescent eyes, the pink, wind chilled cheeks, so much emotion on the familiar face it makes Mondo want to cry. Mondo's stomach clenches so tight it almost hurts and there is something inside that is screaming at him to /do something already/. To lean forward, to press his lips against the chapped, rough looking lips before him, to take and take and take and take and /take/, and… and…

But he can't. Do that. And he knows perfectly well why he can't. There's no use dwelling on any of it when it's so fucking /impossible/ it's not funny. Like hell would Taka want that, and he… Mondo, he… he's not gay. He isn't. He… he's not…

(_Maybe, if he says it often enough, he'll actually start believing it._)

Mondo quickly dismounts his baby, needing to be away from Taka for a single, goddamn second. Proximity is making him go mad, his head full of stupid ass thoughts and feelings and /desires/, and he just needs a minute /away/, thanks. He does his best to not focus on the kid, instead kneeling down beside his baby to check her tires for any damage from the ground, but it's hard to fully ignore Taka. It's like his body is hardwired to react to the kid now.

And it's for that reason exactly that Mondo knows the absolute /second/ that something goes wrong with the kid. He can practically /feel/ Taka sway as he swings his legs off the hog, Mondo's body tense as he looks up just in time to see Taka collapse to his knees, kid's body shaking terribly. Mondo feels panic fill him, his breath freezing in his chest.

"Taka!" Mondo exclaims, drowning in concern. He lets out a soft curse as he scrambles to stand and rush over to Taka, feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. Fuck, of /course/ Taka wasn't going to be okay after everything! Mondo should have fucking realized that! Taka almost collapsed the first time they rode together, too, and just because he didn't have a problem when dismounting the previous two times doesn't mean he'll always be fine! Christ, how stupid can he fucking get?! Goddamn, piece of shit, absolute /moron, waste of space, good for nothing-/

Mondo's spiraling thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Taka laughing, a bit too loud and manic to assuage Mondo much. Mondo frowns as he freezes in place, a few paces away from Taka, looking down at the kid with so much fucking concern. As he looks, he doesn't know if he should be more or less concerned when he sees the kid smile at him brightly.

"Dude... ya doin' okay? Yer actin' weird..." Mondo states, though he can feel a small smile rising on his lips, the sight of Taka's smile too much for him. And then Taka's smile is widening to a grin, the hall monitor nodding quickly with bright eyes, and Mondo just… he just… s-shit…

"I am excellent, kyoudai! I am just... excited!" Taka exclaims, laughing again. And then… then, the kid decides to fucking /lie down/. On the dirty, freezing cold ground. Mondo is honestly super fucking concerned now, knowing how anal the kid is about being tidy and shit, and Mondo knows that the damp pavement is gonna do a number to Taka's pure white uniform, even with the leather jacket he's wearing. The action is very uncharacteristic and it's honestly a little terrifying.

And yet… you know what? Mondo is tired of feeling overwhelming concern all the time. Tired of being worried every goddamn second of every goddamn day. And from what he can see, Taka looks like he's doing okay. His eyes are bright and happy as he looks up at the sky, and while he's acting atypically, he's not doing anything super weird. And… well. It's super fucking cute to watch Taka act like this. Like a little kid excited about something as simple as lying on the ground to look up at the sky.

Mondo feels himself laugh as he looks down at Taka, heart full to burst with a strange mixture of acute concern and absolute /affection/, not knowing how to handle any of it at all. And then, when Taka turns to look at him, turning the full force of the /goddamn sun/ upon him… holding up a hand in a silent invitation, eyes intense and forceful… f-fuck… fuck. Mondo is helpless to do anything other than grin and laugh, nodding immediately. He saunters the last remaining space between them and takes a seat beside Taka, laying down a second later. He's a bit closer than he likely should be, but he doesn't care. He can feel Taka's warmth beside him, the presence more soothing than anything else, and that's so fucking important. And then… /then/, he feels a warm hand grab his, the feeling of it so perfect within his own. Mondo entwines their fingers less than a second later, not even needing to think about it. Not with Taka.

Heart racing, Mondo looks up at the sky, the blue so vivid it almost seems fake. There are a bunch of fluffy white clouds trailing the sky, with a few darker grey ones that promise more rain to come. The air is chilly but not freezing, which is Mondo's favorite kind of weather. When it's cold enough to feel alive, but not so cold that you're shivering uncontrollably every five seconds. The ground below him is also chilled, which makes the warm body beside him and the warm hand he's holding feel almost unbearably warm. But it's nice. All of it. So fucking nice.

After a few moments, Mondo can't help but turn his head to look at Taka, heart skipping another beat as he sees the look of amazement and wonder on his kyoudai's face. Not to mention how he just… he just looks so fucking /happy/, an emotion that is sadly not that common on the boy's face. Mondo wishes that it was, though. God, does Taka deserve happiness. All the happiness in the world, really.

"Love seein' ya like this, Kiyo," Mondo mutters softly, the words escaping before he could hold them back. Taka looks over towards him, his face so close he can see every freckle the kid has on his face. It's… it's so fucking distracting… "All happy an' shit. Y'ain't happy often enough. Not like this."

Taka smiles, eyes squinting with it, and then he's laughing, and Mondo's heart beats a frantic tattoo against his chest, breath shuddery and sharp.

"I am when I'm with you, kyoudai! I am when I'm with you..."

Everything inside Mondo starts to tingle with the statement, said so simply, like it means nothing, when it sure as shit /doesn't/ mean nothing. Taka… Taka can't fucking mean that, can't /feel/ that, and yet as he looks into vivid red eyes, full of so much emotion it /hurts/, Mondo… Mondo…

Mondo can't help but believe it…

F-fuck…

Mondo is trapped under the weight of those eyes and it's like he's in a trance as he lifts the hand not holding Taka's and brings it up to his kyoudai's face, gently brushing back the hair that always falls into the kid's eyes. He watches, enraptured, as Taka closes his eyes slowly, his breath escaping his lips like a silent ghost. Mondo lets his fingers linger even though he knows he shouldn't, knows this moment is so fucking dangerous, but for once he doesn't care. The voices in his head are fucking /silent/ and as he looks at Taka, he can't help how much he fucking /wants/. And oh, god, does he want. He wants so much. So, so much. The scent of citrus is thick and cloying in the air and it's making his head go stupid, and he can't stop the words even if he wanted. He… he…

"Same with me. Shit... Kiyo, ain't ever been as happy as I've been with you... not since Daiya... not since I- I... s-shit... don't ever want this ta end, man. I don't... Kiyo..."

"It doesn't have to," Taka replies instantly, eyes open again and staring at him with more meaning than he knows how to handle. God, he doesn't know how to fucking handle any of this, he truly fucking doesn't… he…

He watches as Taka turns on his side, facing him, and it's all Mondo can do to turn and face Taka in kind. Their hands are still clasped awkwardly between them, and they are pressed so close together now, practically molded to one another, and Mondo can feel the hitch in Taka's breath. It's messing with Mondo's head, making him feel all stupid and wrong inside, and he wants to do something… something stupid, stupid, so incredibly, fucking /stupid/… he… he wants…

"K-kyoudai..." Taka breathes against his lips, like a kiss, warm and sweet and beautiful and Mondo… he… he /wants/…

Mondo closes his eyes when he feels gentle fingers trail across his temple, a mimicry of what he always does to Taka, but there's no excuse for it. Mondo's hair is still up in his pomp, not a strand out of place, and he knows it. He bets Taka knows it, too. He wonders if Taka is doing it for the exact same reason Mondo always does, wanting to /touch/, wanting to /feel/, wanting… wanting…

Mondo leans into the touch, needing it, and he feels his breath hitch when Taka tenderly trails his fingers down Mondo's cheek, cupping his face sweetly, meaningfully. There's a warm thumb rubbing soothing circles along his cheek bone and Mondo's brain just about shorts out at the sensation. He has no fucking idea what is going on right now, but /Jesus fucking Christ/ does he like it. It feels like a goddamn dream, all floaty and weightless and shit, like the dreams he's been having that he absolutely refuses to acknowledge even a little. The dreams of him and Taka, lounging together on their bed, kissing lazily and holding one another so tightly. Dreams where Taka actually wants him like that, where Mondo is allowed to like men without betraying everything his brother ever taught him. Dreams where Mondo doesn't have to constantly deny the shit he /knows/ he feels, where he doesn't have to worry about losing Taka because Taka is /his/. His and only his, and he is only Taka's. As he lies here, eyes closed, so close he can almost taste the sweet taste of /Taka/, he… he…

"Kiyo," Mondo breathes, eyes fluttering open to look deep into scarlet red. They're so close, so incredibly close, so close that everything is blurry and hazy and it doesn't quite feel real. None of this feels real. Like if Mondo were to lean in the last remaining centimeter and press his lips to Taka's, then there would be no consequences. They could just stay here, in this one moment, forever. Never have to get up, never have to face reality, never have to worry about sexuality or being like his old man or hurting the one person he /loves/ most in this godforsaken life of his. Never having to worry that the love he feels isn't the brotherly kind he keeps trying to fool himself into believing it is. Mondo isn't stupid. He knows what he feels. He knows. He knows. He /knows he knows he knows he knows he knows he knows he knows-/

Mondo tears himself away from Taka, breath shuddering, heart aching, not knowing what is happening but knowing he has to /stop/. This isn't a dream. No matter what it feels like, this isn't a dream. He knows that. This is /real/. God, this is real. And he can't… he can't feel that shit. Desire. /Love/. He can't feel it. Taka wouldn't want him to feel it. Not the way he… shit. Shit. /Shit/. Whatever.

"W-we... we should... fuck," Mondo softly curses, lying on his back again, looking at the sky. He carefully takes his hand back from Taka, the warmth burning him too much to let it remain. He feels unbearably warm, the chill of the day not reaching him. He can't breathe, can't think. He looks at Taka, unable to stop it, and feels his heart break at the blank look he finds there before the kid closes his eyes. See, that… that's why he can't feel shit like that. Why he can't forget himself. Taka doesn't want him that way. /Can't/ want him that way.

Mondo would just hurt him. It's all Mondo is good for. Violence and anger and /pain, pain, pain/.

Taka deserves so much more.

Taka deserves /everything/.

Wanting to try and make things better, Mondo reaches out and gently touches Taka's face to get his attention, smiling softly when the kid looks at him. The blank look absolutely destroys him, but he keeps going because that's all he can do. The past few minutes feel foreign to him, he barely understands what happened, but it's okay. He'll… he'll fix it. He'll fix it. He has to fix it.

"Hey... w-wanna go fer another ride, 'fore we head back?" Mondo whispers, heart hurting so badly but he can't focus on it. He just focuses on Taka, who is smiling now, nodding, but Mondo can't help but think that it looks… sad. God… he hates making this kid so fucking sad all the time… more proof that he could never deserve someone as incredible as Taka…

"Okay, my dearest kyoudai... okay."

The pair scrambles up then, heading for his hog without another word spoken. Mondo doesn't stop to check on his baby like he'd initially wanted to, hoping that taking a break will have been enough for her for now. He'll check her out properly later. Right now, he needs to just… keep driving. Keep driving. Keep driving and driving and driving and driving. Like he's always done before. Running from his problems like the child he is. It's all he's ever known how to do.

Unlike those times, this time Mondo can't fully run from his problems, though. He can feel Taka against his back, warmth oppressive, splaying him open like a thing to dissect. He can feel Taka's breath against his neck, can feel his arms tight around his chest. Can hear every sound, every shudder. Taka isn't laughing now, is silent as the grave, and Mondo hates that more than anything.

It hurts so bad that Mondo is pulling out of the arena not even ten minutes later, Taka's helmet back on his head and Mondo's stomach in his throat. Taka had looked so dull when Mondo had put his helmet back on, not meeting his eye at all, eyes lifeless. It was such a juxtaposition to how he looked before that Mondo hastily pushes it out of his mind, not wanting any more examples of how he fucked up today.

He already knows he doesn't deserve Taka, okay? He already knows.

He knows.

~XoxoxoxoxoxoX~

Mondo's arm is wrapped tight around Taka's waist.

Mondo's /arm/ is wrapped tight around Taka's /waist/. Mondo wouldn't think he'd need to mentally repeat something that he, himself, is doing, but he's pretty sure it bears repeating if only because of how batshit /nonsensical/ the idea of his arm being around Taka's waist is.

And yet…

Fuck.

Don't ask Mondo why his arm is around Taka's waist. Okay? Because if he's being perfectly honest, no bullshit at all, he'd say that he… he has no fucking clue. He truly doesn't.

It just seemed like a good idea at the time. Right? During the ride Taka had loosened up, laughing lightly as Mondo took the kid home. The sound had caused Mondo's insides to do more fucked up things, the tension simultaneously loosening and getting tighter than ever as they rode on. The warmth from the kid had done fucked up shit to his head, everything floaty and weird again and he couldn't for the life of him stop it. He just… he /couldn't/.

As a consequence, when Mondo finally pulled into the school, he'd been in a pretty good mood. That shouldn't be a bad thing, right? Feeling happy and good and light? It shouldn't be bad to feel good, especially when around his kyoudai.

And chances are, it /wouldn't/ have been bad at all, if Mondo could just fucking keep his hands to his fucking self. But… no. No, he'd not been able to do that. Not at all.

Instead, the second he'd been off his baby, he'd turned to face Taka, grin bright on his lips, and had been absolutely captivated by the windswept, lightly flushed Taka he'd seen before him. Taka had been staring at him with wide eyes, full of a swirling emotion that Mondo can't think about for longer than five seconds before his stomach starts to clench and his head goes fuzzy. And he knows whatever he's seeing in those fucking beautiful as sin eyes is not what Taka is feeling, it can't be, but… but in that moment, staring at Taka, Taka staring at him, he… he'd wondered…

And it's stupid. Okay? All of it. Because /even if Mondo is allowed to be gay/, and /even if he's allowed to like Taka in that way/… Taka would never in a million years reciprocate. Right? Taka could never. Mondo could never be so lucky as to have someone like Taka love him. He could never deserve it.

He doesn't deserve Taka's friendship, has never deserved that, and he knows it. Okay? He knows it. Taka will leave him one day, will realize how outstanding he is and how much of a garbage fire Mondo is, and he will /leave/, and Mondo will be /happy/. Because it will mean that Taka finally realizes his self-worth. It will mean that Taka will understand everything that Mondo has always known so intimately, so intrinsically. It will mean that Taka will be one step closer to becoming the person Mondo has always known he will be. The person he already is, even if the kid can't see it.

And yeah, it will hurt like hell to lose this kid. Even the thought devastates him, his heart breaking and mind rebelling. He hates thinking it, hates knowing it. Hates the fact he could never be good enough for someone like Taka. Hates the world for giving him someone as wonderful as Taka, only to take him away in the end. But he doesn't hate Taka. He can't hate Taka, not for this. It's his fucking destiny, or shit. People wouldn't think it based on his reputation to not give a shit about anything, but Mondo actually puts a lot of stock into destiny, you know. Like how he's destined to either die in a bar fight or die in jail. There's no other option that Mondo can really see for himself, to be honest. Go out in a blaze of glory or die miserable and pathetic in a dim and damp cell. Unloved and forgotten. Even knowing he's maybe not as stupid as he's always thought doesn't change that fact in his mind. He's never going to change, he'll always be the piece of shit he was born to be, and Taka… Taka will wise up, see that one day, and fucking /leave/. It's just a goddamn /fact/.

These feelings Mondo has been having… they're stupid. They don't factor into his destiny. They don't factor into /Taka's/ destiny. Taka may feel grateful to him for being his first friend, but it's not something that will last forever. Once Taka has other close friends, he'll see that he doesn't need Mondo, that Mondo cannot offer him anything substantial, and he will go away and leave Mondo behind. And it will destroy Mondo, but he will be so glad when that day comes. Glad to see the one person that matters most in his life move on from a shithead like him. Taka deserves so much better. So much.

These feelings… they don't factor into that. Right? Not only is it impossible for Mondo to even feel that shit for Taka, but even if he did, it'd be useless. Why be /in love/ with someone who can't ever love him back? Why burden someone like Taka with feelings the kid wouldn't ever want? What use is there for any of it?

And Mondo knows that. Okay? He /knows/. He's not stupid. Not in this regard. He knows and he has resolved so many goddamn times to ignore this shit. To realize that it ain't real, that it's just his own head confusing shit. He's never been so close to another person who wasn't family before, of course he'd get a little confused about what he's feeling. He's not actually /in love/ with Taka anyway, it's just confused emotions, and he knows that. Entertaining the thoughts and feelings at all is stupid, and it runs the risk of ruining everything he's been trying so fucking hard to do with Taka. He /knows/.

And yet…

And yet.

And yet, here he is. Arm wrapped around Taka's waist, heart beating so slowly, so softly, eyes like butter as he looks at his kyoudai. Taka's breath is hitched as Mondo wraps his arm around him, abdominal muscles clenched tight enough that Mondo can feel it, and he knows he should let go. Knows that this isn't fucking platonic, that this isn't fucking /okay/. Wrapping an arm around a shoulder, now that? That's /fine/. That's shit Mondo has always just fucking /done/. With his gang, with his brother, with his friends… it's just a thing he fucking /does/.

Mondo has never, not once, wrapped his arm around someone's waist. He's never felt the desire to do it. And he's trying to justify it to himself. Right? He's doing it because it's easier on his shoulders. Or because his arm just naturally did it and it's so little of a deal that he didn't bother to remove it. Or because he and Taka are so close they can do shit like this without it meaning anything. Dudes can be super fucking close and have it be one hundred percent platonic, alright? It's not weird, it's /fine/.

However… while Mondo tells himself this as he and Taka slowly enter the building, heart racing and mind so fucking fuzzy… Mondo knows the truth. Knows why he's touching Taka like this. Knows why he /wants/ to touch Taka like this. He knows. He knows, he knows, he… he knows.

And it's so. Fucking. Stupid.

The only hope Mondo has is that the kid doesn't notice. Taka is so bad at social situations and norms that it's quite possible that he doesn't notice how different Mondo acts around him compared to other people. Maybe he doesn't realize how much closer and more affectionate Mondo acts towards him compared to literally anyone else. Or if he does notice, he sees it the way it's supposed to be seen. That Mondo is affectionate solely because they are kyoudai. Because they are best friends. Because they are close.

Not because Mondo is slowly (or not slowly, not slowly at all) _falling in love with him_ nothing. Nothing at all.

As long as Taka doesn't realize the extent of Mondo's stupidity, then it all will be fine. Mondo will get this out of his system, will forget about these stupid fucking feelings, and they will go back to being the best of fucking friends. Kyoudai 'til the end. These feelings… they won't matter. They'll never matter. They're not real, it's just him confusing himself, and even if they were real, they'd never be reciprocated, and thus they'd still be pointless and stupid. Why dwell on shit that doesn't fucking matter? Like Taka always says, dwelling on useless stuff is a waste of fucking time. And while Mondo doesn't mind 'wasting time' as much as his kyoudai does, this waste of time gives no benefits and thus must be ignored. For everyone's good.

In order to prove how little it matters, Mondo continues to hold onto Taka's waist (_of course that's the reason and not because he desperately wants to hold Taka like this, obviously_) as they meander through the halls. He talks to Taka like he usually does, showing his concern and affection for the kid in his usual way. He forces himself to stop thinking of all of this shit, to stop /worrying/ about all of this shit. He loves Taka. He knows that; has always known that in some capacity. But he's not /in love with Taka/. He isn't and it's fine and they're okay. He's allowed to show affection towards the kid, is allowed to be soft and kind and gentle. He's /allowed/ to do that. None of this means any more than that, he's just showing affection, that's all. /That's all/.

(_He refuses to think about how contradictory his thoughts are. How he keeps going back and forth on this, how he's not making any sense even to himself, doesn't think on it because he… because he fucking /can't/. He can't, he can't, because thinking about it makes it /real/ and it can't be real, Taka can't possibly /want it to be real/, so he can't think on his contradictions. He can't. He just… can't_.)

As Mondo settles that in his mind— /again—/ the pair reach their shared room, Mondo's chest settling at the sight. See, this… this is normal. This is known. He knows how to interact with Taka when in their room. He knows the script to follow. They go in, they cuddle close as they 'watch a movie,' and Mondo doesn't have to think about why he's suddenly so interested in movies all the time when before he barely watched a single one, hating sitting still for longer than five minutes. It's fine. It's known.

Mondo turns to look at Taka, then, heart lurching for the millionth time when he sees the look of concentration on the kid's face. His eyebrows are bunched up, his lips are pulled down into a frown, and it's so fucking adorable Mondo can barely stand it. He has no idea what his kyoudai is thinking so intensely about, but he always loves seeing the kid like this. He also loves jolting him out of moments like this, since Taka always gets very flustered and embarrassed to have been caught doing something simple like getting lost in thought. It's so fucking cute, it really is…

"Wanna come inside, kyoudai?" Mondo mutters softly in Taka's ear, closer than he intended, wanting to startle the kid a little, but not scare him. He's done this often enough that he knows how to do just that, it's a practiced motion.

However… however, in response to the typical action, Taka… Taka flinches like he's been stabbed. The kid gasps a harsh, angry sounding gasp, eyes wide and fucking /terrified/ as he looks at Mondo, like… like he thinks Mondo is going to /hurt him/ or something. His heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach, not knowing what he did wrong but knowing that whatever it was hurt Taka somehow. Sh… shit… he's gotta fucking fix this. What could possibly have happened recently to cause this intense of a reaction? Was it… shit, was it the ride? Taka had looked like he was having a good time, looked and sounded like he was enjoying himself, even with that weird ass moment on the ground, but… but maybe…

"Uh, kyoudai... y'alright?" Mondo asks, tightening his arm around the kid's waist unconsciously. "Ya look spooked by somethin'... y'ain't upset 'bout the ride, are ya? 'Cuz, I thought ya were enjoyin' yerself, but if ya weren't-"

"I enjoyed the ride, kyoudai," Taka interrupts, his voice sounding a touch annoyed. It makes Mondo frown deeper, his concern swelling like it always does. He watches as Taka grimaces, shooting him an apologetic look. "S-sorry, kyoudai... I just... I don't know how often I can tell you that I enjoy doing things with you. I simply had been thinking about something and you startled me, that is all. Nothing bad, I promise. However, you asked if I wanted to go to your room, yes? If so, then I would love to, kyoudai."

Mondo stares at Taka for several seconds, trying to determine if he's being truthful or not. While he'd love to accept that as gospel truth, he truly doesn't know with Taka anymore. But… shit. Okay. If he says he enjoys doing shit with Mondo, then fine. Okay. He guesses it would be pretty annoying to constantly be asked the same question over and over, no matter the intent behind the questions. So, Mondo just lets out a soft laugh and shakes his head, a rueful smile on his face, trying to push away his concern. It works about as well as it always does (I.E., not at all), but at least he's trying.

"Shit... didn't mean ta be badgerin' ya 'bout this shit. Just... wanna make sure that yer happy. But it's prolly annoyin' as shit fer me ta keep askin' ya that, ain't it? Heh. Sorry, Taka. I'll work on not doin' that shit. But, uh... yeah. I was askin' ya if ya wanna come in an' watch a movie or shit... so, uh. Let's go."

Mondo turns to the door and takes out his key card, opening the door quickly. He then leads Taka inside, over towards the couch so that they can watch whatever movie they decide upon today. While Taka still doesn't seem to have much preference over what movie they watch, he knows the kid well enough by now to know what he has the best chance of at least tolerating.

Once they reach the couch, Mondo finally removes his arm from around Taka's waist, his hand tingling as he takes it back. He ignores the chill he feels inside at the absence, instead marching firmly over towards his DVD collection and picking out a movie that Taka may enjoy at least a little, talking about random ass bullshit that doesn't mean anything, really. Once he's made his pick, he looks over at Taka and sees the kid finally take a seat, something that makes him smile like an idiot for reasons he can't comprehend. Taka looks a little overwhelmed by something, so Mondo hurriedly finishes getting ready for the movie, grabbing the snacks he's started storing in their room for this exact scenario. While Taka doesn't approve of him stock piling junk food, it doesn't go against any school rules, so Mondo is free to do as he likes. Ha. Taka doesn't mention it either, just sits on the couch, happily staring off into space. Nerd.

However… once Mondo heads over to the couch and takes a seat, the trailers running on the old DVD he'd put into the player, Taka… Taka tenses. /Again/. It gets worse when Mondo wraps his arm around Taka's waist like he usually will do during these movie nights of theirs, pulling the kid as close as ever. Not even rubbing a soothing thumb in circles on Taka's side helps. It makes Mondo wonder if he should remove his arm and scoot away, but… shit. Shit, he can't take back his actions like that, it's weak as shit. And besides, if Taka doesn't want his arm around him, didn't the kid promise he'd mention it? That he wouldn't do shit he didn't want, or something?

Mondo tries to ignore it. Tries to pretend that shit is fine and that Taka /isn't/ cringing because of his proximity and touch. Tries to pretend that his chest isn't aching horribly, worried he's fucking shit up for the millionth time, so fucking pathetic at friendship even when he's trying so fucking hard. He tries to pretend, he truly does.

But after half an hour, Mondo has had /enough/. He's so stiff it's starting to hurt, and he can feel that Taka is the same. Mondo hasn't taken in a single thing from the movie in minutes, everything in him focused solely on Taka, and it's all so fucking /ridiculous/. He knows he said he wouldn't ask again, but… shit. /Shit/. He didn't promise, at least. That's something.

Letting out a soft sign, Mondo turns to face Taka, an unconscious frown on his lips.

"Alright. I know I said that I wasn't gonna ask this again, but, dammit, are ya alright, Taka? 'Cuz, man, ya've been actin' strange since we fuckin' got back an' I just... goddamnit, kyoudai. If ya'd just /talk/ ta me 'bout this shit, I wouldn't hafta ask! So, just... what the fuck is up with you?"

The words come out more exasperated and harsher than he'd meant them to, and Mondo has to suppress a wince when he feels Taka tense somehow further, an irritated grimace rising on the kid's face. He watches— helpless— as Taka frowns and crosses his arms, a pissy little look on his face as he looks at Mondo. It makes Mondo scowl, something about it annoying him. He knows he shouldn't, knows that getting annoyed will lead to him getting /angry/, but he just… he can't fucking help it. He never can. To make matters worse, Taka lets out a frustrated sigh, shaking his head angrily. Fucking peachy…

"Why are you so insistent that something is wrong with me? What makes you think there is anything wrong with me at all?!"

The words take Mondo aback for exactly one second, before the /hurt/ hits him. Because… shit. Shit! Does Taka think he's an idiot?! Does he think he doesn't know Taka so fucking well that he can't tell when he's unhappy?! And anyway, clearly if he was fine, he wouldn't be fucking /shouting/ about how fine he is! Something is wrong, /again/, and Taka refuses to let him in to help! Again!

The hurt filling his heart to the point of intense pain, Mondo pulls back from Taka and looks down at the kid, not caring if Taka sees the pain he feels so intensely. Usually he'd care about that shit, but not now. Not now.

"The fuck? Shit, man, do ya think I'm stupid or somethin'?! I can tell how fuckin' tense ya've been since we fuckin' got back! Shit, this whole fuckin' week, actu'ly! The fuck is yer fuckin' problem, man?! I'm just tryin' ta be a good fuckin' friend, shit!"

Mondo's heart aches worse when he sees Taka flinch, his eyes flashing with something Mondo can't understand. It's like hurt but… deeper somehow. Mondo doesn't know what he said wrong, though. Is it because he's yelling? He's not meaning to, he swears. He's just… he's hurting, and he always yells when he's in pain. Fuck, he wishes he wouldn't, but he can't help it. He can only watch helplessly as Taka sneers, baring his teeth angrily, eyes full of fire. Usually that level of passion would excite Mondo, since he loves seeing Taka when he's passionate, but all can feel is cold inside as Taka begins to speak, his words clipped and highly annoyed. Fuck…

"I don't have to tell you! Y-you always ask me, like you have a right to my answers! You don't! If I want to keep it private, I should be allowed!"

Mondo's heart breaks worse than it has all day at the words, his face crumbling despite himself. Just what… what the fuck? What the fuck was that? Taka is upset that Mondo is fucking /worried/ about him? He's mad that Mondo fucking /cares/?! They're fucking kyoudai! He's fucking /supposed/ to care! Mondo remembers Daiya always asking him shit like this when he was little, and yeah it was annoying, but he always knew it was because Daiya cared! Mondo doesn't ask because he feels /entitled/ to answers! He asks because he's fucking /worried about his kyoudai/! Can't... can't Taka fucking see that?!

Body tingling with the weight of his emotions, Mondo finds himself standing angrily, hands shaking with everything he can't contain inside of him. He has no idea what to do, mind racing with thoughts and emotions he can't even begin to sort. He can hear the movie still playing in the background, like it's mocking him, and he figures that's at least something he can fucking /do/. Turning the TV off isn't as satisfying as he'd hoped, but at least it's silent now.

Unfortunately, that gives Mondo's head more space to scream at him for ruining shit again, which is just… unbearable, really. To give himself something to do, he turns to face Taka again, eyes intent on his kyoudai, but it turns out /that's/ unbearable, too, with how wide and pained Taka's eyes are. For a lack of literally anything else to do, Mondo turns and begins to pace, heart racing and head hurting with the strain. And then, even though he knows he shouldn't… Mondo begins to speak.

"What the goddamn fuck? What the absolute /fuck/ did I do ta ya, Taka? S-shit... are ya fuckin'— shit. Are ya fuckin' /mad/ at me or somethin'? Like... fuck, man! I'm sorry I ask ya these questions, but it's 'cuz I don't want shit like this happenin'! It ain't like I'm fuckin' good at this shit, alright?! Relationships, friendships... all a' it! I fuckin' suck! Can't ever get fuckin' close ta people 'cuz I always scare 'em the fuck away! B-but you... you fuckin' stayed, an' I don't /fuckin'/ know why, an' I don't wanna fuckin' /ruin/ this shit! But I am, I can feel ya slippin' away from me, an' each time I think we've fixed it, that we're fin'lly good, suddenly we ain't again! An' I just... I fuckin'... what am I doin' wrong? 'Cuz shit, Taka... Kiyo... I want this shit ta work out 'tween us. An' I don't know what the fuck I'm doin' wrong. So just... please. /Tell me/."

Mondo feels so fucking weak as his words peter out into a pathetic little plea, so fucking worthless it's not even funny. No wonder Taka can't stand him. Mondo can't stand himself; how can he ever expect anyone else to do it? Christ.

Heart numb, Mondo just watches as Taka stands abruptly, tears shining in the boy's eyes as he shakes his head frantically. God, he wishes he knew how to fix this. If he were better, he… he'd be able to fix this…

"M-Mondo... kyoudai, /no/. That... that's not it! Not at all! I'm not... I'm not /mad/ at you! Please... please believe me! I- I just... this has nothing to do with anything you've done. None of this. Please... please believe me. This isn't your fault. Not at all."

Mondo stares deep into Taka's eyes, trying to determine if he's telling the truth or not. Once upon a time, he'd have instantly believed him, thinking that Taka was an open book and couldn't possibly hide anything from him. But… but the kid is. Hiding something from him. Maybe it's nothing that Mondo has done, but it is /something/. And Taka… he's not /telling him/. For all the kid told him the week before, about his childhood and his history, it wasn't everything. And Mondo thought he was okay with it, but… but if it's bothering the kid this much, then… shit.

Mondo looks away from Taka then, needing to think. He is fairly certain the kid isn't lying about not being mad at Mondo, but that honestly doesn't make him feel much better. He wants to find a way to help Taka. Truly and fully help him. The way Taka has been helping him, repaying him for the joy the kid has given him. He'd so anything for this kid. He truly would. But how to offer without possibly offending the kid…?

After over a minute of intense internal debate— so intense that Mondo's lips move unbidden with his silent thoughts— he finally makes up his mind. While it may make the kid defensive, he's just… he's gotta try. At least to show the kid that he means it when he says he cares. He… he needs Taka to know how much he cares. That there is nothing he wouldn't do for him. Absolutely /nothing/.

Pain and anger stowed for the moment, Mondo turns to look at Taka, concern at the forefront of his mind once more.

"Shit, man... alright. If ya say so, then... I'll fuckin' believe ya. But Taka... kyoudai, let me help ya. Please. Haven't I proven that I ain't goin' nowhere? Haven't I shown you that I'm not... I'm not fuckin' leavin'? You... you're important ta me, Kiyo. An' I just... I wanna help. But ya gotta let me in 'fore I can do that," Mondo whispers, stepping closer until they're toe-to-toe. He can feel Taka tense and fears for a second that the kid is going to rip himself away, to force distance between them, and he feels his insides clench in preparation for the agony he'll feel when the kid does that.

But then… then, to his complete and total shock, Taka… doesn't do that. Instead, the kid lets out a soft, weary sounding sigh, shaking his head slowly. And then… /then/, Taka fucking removes the last remaining centimeters of space between them and leans his forehead against Mondo's chest, his back curved painfully. Mondo spends a second in a daze, having not expected that, but quickly snaps himself out of it and lifts his arms to wrap them around Taka, heart beating a bit too fast. He can feel Taka tense under his hands, which is concerning, but… the fuck is he supposed to do about it? Taka says his problem doesn't involve Mondo, and he guesses he believes him, so...

"K-kyoudai... I- I..." Taka starts to say, his voice wavering horribly, painfully, before abruptly stopping. That breaks Mondo's heart, too, hating seeing Taka like this. With a sigh, Mondo runs his hand through the kid's hair, hoping to provide some comfort. He has no idea what is up with Taka, but the last time Taka got like this, Mondo knows it was because of his fucking terrible da. Which… come to think of it…

"Shit, man... is it... is it yer da again?" Mondo mutters softly, a pit forming in his stomach at the thought. He hates shit dealing with piece of shit parents. It always makes his chest hurt to think that other people went through the same kinda shit he did as a kid. Worse, in many situations, since not everyone had someone as fucking fantastic as Daiya to look out for them when their old man or ma failed them. The thought that Taka knows what that's like hurts him most of all, though.

"I've not heard from my father since our last conversation," Taka confesses softly, voice a bit muffled against his chest, bringing Mondo back to the moment. The confession makes Mondo tense up a little, pain lancing through him at the realization of what his poor kyoudai is going through. Mondo… Mondo knows how much Taka loves his da, even though the man sure as shit doesn't deserve it. It prolly hurts like hell to know the man doesn't want to fucking talk to him, especially after the bullshit of last week. And that… that would explain why Taka's been so fucking unhappy and tense this week. Goddamnit…

Wrapping his arms tighter around his kyoudai, Mondo does his best to fix this stupid fucking problem, body strangely relaxing now that he has some mention of an explanation. Knowing means he can try and help. That… that's what's important.

"Aw, shit, man. That's it, ain't it? Fuck, bro. Ya shouldn't give that piece a' shit even a second a' yer thoughts, Taka. He ain't deservin' a' someone as fuckin' amazin' as you. He ain't worth yer worry."

Taka trembles a little against him, and Mondo can only hope that he's helping Taka. He hates so much that Taka cares about a man who doesn't fucking deserve it. From what Taka has told him, Mondo doesn't think his da ever hit him as a kid, but there are more kinds of abuse than physical. Mondo definitely knows that. If he ever let himself sit down and think about it (which he never does, he fucking despises thinking about this shit), he'd confess that… that it was actually the silence and indifference of his ma that hurt the worst as a kid. Yeah, he lived in fear of his old man and dreaded the day the piece of shit wouldn't fucking stop, but… but that was a known pain. His old man hated him and there was fuckall he could do about it, so why dwell on shit he couldn't fucking change? Nothing he did would ever make his da love him, so it was easy to hate the man and be done with it. While the man's violence hurt physically, it didn't hurt that much emotionally.

But his ma? That shit hurt like a bitch then, and it hurts like a bitch now. Knowing that if he had just been a bit better, had he just tried a bit harder… and yeah. Yeah, he knows nothing he could have done would have worked. She was as set in her ways as his da was, and nothing he did would have mattered. But it didn't /feel/ like that. It still doesn't. Late at night, when he can't sleep and his head is being too fucking loud, he can't help but think about what he could have done to make her love him. What he could have done to make her /see/ him. While his da made him hate the world, his ma made him hate /himself/. And that shit… that shit is the reason why he has such a hard time getting close to people. That shit is the reason why he doesn't know how to help Taka. That shit is why he always fucking pushes people away, because if he doesn't care about anyone, he can't disappoint them as much as he disappointed his ma. Or… didn't disappoint her, because he wasn't worthwhile enough to even disappoint her. He was absolutely /nothing/ to her. He… he… shit…

"H-he's my father..." Taka states softly, jarring Mondo out of his thoughts once more. It takes Mondo a second, but he is able to understand the meaning quick enough, and he forces his own thoughts right on out. This ain't the goddamn, fucking time. Taka needs him, and he can't be thinking about his shitty childhood when Taka /needs/ him. Alright?

Humming softly, Mondo runs a soothing hand through Taka's hair as he tries to come up with a way to help Taka without focusing on how terrible the kid's old man is. Yeah, Mondo can see how fucking awful the shithead is, but… like Taka said. He's his old man. And Taka is the kinda person to be strictly loyal until the bitter end, no matter how he's being treated. If he tries to force Taka to see how terrible his da is, it will just alienate him from the kid. That shit can come later, when Taka has more self-confidence and sees his inner worth. For now… for now it might be best to just get the kid's mind off of this shit…

"Shit, man. Okay, I getcha. But still, ya shouldn't let him affect ya so badly. Ya've been tense all week, an' if that's what's causin' it... hm. We gotta find a way ta take yer mind off it. 'Cuz all this tension ain't healthy, man. S'gonna give ya a premature heart attack or somethin'. Gotta find a distraction... what do ya usu'lly do, when tryin' ta take yer mind off things?"

Taka is quiet for a moment after the question, clearly thinking about it. Mondo gives him some time to think, knowing the kid is prolly a bit confused by the change in topic, and he doesn't want to overwhelm his kyoudai or anything. Taka does eventually answer, and what he says is…

"I, um... I study!" Taka confesses, as innocent as a newborn fucking lamb. Mondo is so unimpressed by the comment, though, that he actually pulls back from their embrace to level said unimpressed look at the kid, needing him to know how fucking ridiculous that goddamn answer is. It makes Taka blush lightly, his shoulders shrugging awkwardly and hands fiddling with his shirt as he tries to explain himself. It's super fucking adorable, but Mondo doesn't let himself get too distracted. "W-what? It's the truth!"

Mondo rolls his eyes, huffing softly, arms crossing as he continues to level an unimpressed look at the kid. He feels bad about the uncomfortable look Taka gets on his face, but, really… come on.

"That ain't relaxing, bro. Shit just makes ya more tense. I've seen ya studyin', ya know. Yer back gets all tense an' yer eyebrows go all furrowed an' shit. So, that's out. What else? What do ya do ta relax?"

A pregnant silence stretches between them as Taka turns to look at the ground, face blushing bright red. Mondo immediately knows what the kid's answer to the question is the second he sees the guilty fucking expression, some hint of fond exasperation filling his heart at the sight. Goddamn, but if Taka isn't just the most precious fucking thing he's ever seen… too bad it's super inconvenient right about now. Groaning, Mondo smacks himself lightly on the forehead, half serious, half exaggerated, wanting to express his frustration without hurting his kyoudai's feelings too much.

"Taka. Kyoudai. My best an' dearest friend. Please tell me ya don't study ta relax. Because I swear ta fuckin' Christ..."

Taka somehow blushes an even brighter red, his arms crossing as he huffs pissily. There's also a super adorable little pout on his face that almost derails Mondo's train of thought completely, Jesus…

"I find studying to be very relaxing!" Taka protests, glaring at Mondo even harder when he groans again, looking a little offended. Which… shit, shit, wasn't his intention… "It's true!"

Mondo continues to give Taka an unimpressed look, wanting him to see how ridiculous that statement is. Unfortunately, it seems he's gone just a bit too far past 'ribbing' and has gone more into 'bullying,' and he watches with a clenching heart as Taka throws his hands up in the air with exasperation, eyes shining with unshed tears. Shit, that wasn't what he wanted… goddamnit.

Visibly softening his features, Mondo sighs and tries to give Taka a small, apologetic smile, wanting the kid to know he's not making fun of him. Not at all. He never would. He loves Taka too much to do shit like that.

"Sorry, Taka. Just... shit ain't relaxin'. An' ya can't fool me by sayin' it is. Ya can like ta study all ya want, but ya can't lie an' say it relaxes ya," Mondo says gently, and continues before Taka can reply, wanting to move on to something productive and not dwell on shit. "So! What we gotta do is find somethin' ta relax ya. Movies are obviously out, since this shit ain't been helpin' all week, an' ya hated those games on Tuesday, don't even try an' lie. Uh... shit. Maybe readin' a good book? That's been helpin' me lately, since ya made me get those fuckin' glasses an' shit."

Taka bites his lip as he thinks, something that Mondo has to fight to not get too distracted by. After a moment, Taka slowly shakes his head, looking at Mondo anxiously.

"If you don't want me to study, then I don't think it would help. I'm not the biggest fan of fiction and reading nonfiction would be very similar to studying, for me. Which I don't mind! But if you insist it won't help..."

Mondo grimaces, shaking his head.

"Fuck no. Uh... fuck. We just went fer a ride an' it didn't help much. Uh... bath?"

Taka wrinkles his nose and shakes his head quickly. Shit, didn't have to think about that one for long, did he… well, shit. Something else then…

"Goddamnit. Uh... huh. Exercise?"

Taka takes a bit longer to think about this one, his eyebrows furrowing with his debate, but ultimately, he shakes his head to that suggestion too. Mondo kind of figured, since they've been exercising a fair amount this past week and if it's not helped thus far, then it prolly won't going forwards. But now he's got the problem of thinking of something that /will/ help. Which is… surprisingly hard. Shit.

For the next five goddamn minutes, Mondo tries literally every goddamn thing he can think of that might possibly help Taka learn how to fucking relax. From meditation, to yoga, to fucking /karaoke/ (yes, Taka, he /knows/ that was a stupid fucking idea, but cut him a little slack here. He's working with a dude who wouldn't know the word 'relax' if it bit him on the ass. Or however that saying goes, he doesn't know, he's so fucking fed up with this shit he can't think straight). Everything he suggests gets shot down by Taka, one thing or another wrong with the idea. Worse, however, is when Taka agrees with the idea, but is so obviously lying it's kind of pathetic. Mondo is so fucking frustrated at everything by this point that he legit snaps at the kid to 'stop fuckin' lyin'! I'm tryin' ta help ya, dipshit!'

He doesn't mean to be frustrated, he really doesn't, he just… he really wants to help Taka. You know? Taka is easily the most important person to him and is quickly becoming the most important /thing/ to him in general. More than his gang, if he's being honest. Nearly more than his fucking /baby/, for Christ's sake. Mondo never thought he'd feel that way about another human being. Not even a chick. Whenever he thought about getting a girlfriend, he always assumed they'd play second billing to his baby. And not in a bad way, no, no. Just… that's how important his girl is to him. And it fucking says a lot to him that Taka is reaching that level of importance. It really does.

As such… he wants to help Taka through this problem he has. To help him figure out how to loosen up from his impossibly high standards. To lose that tension that has been bogging him down his entire life. He needs to help Taka through this. He fucking /needs/ to.

And… well. On a more selfish note, he knows that if Taka's problem isn't him… if Taka isn't mad at him and genuinely enjoys spending time together… then the thing that has been souring their relationship this whole time has been this fucking tension. As such, reason says that if that tension were fucking gone, then… well. Then maybe the problems between him and Taka will be gone, too. And maybe then… maybe then, they will finally be able to be as close as Mondo has always secretly (or not so secretly, whatever, he doesn't care anymore) wanted them to become. And yeah, that thought is selfish as shit, but if it helps Taka, does a little selfishness hurt?

(Prolly. But that's why he's never deserved Taka at all. He never claimed not to be a selfish bastard. Taking and taking and taking. It's what he's good at, really. But if he can just help Taka, even a little… maybe it won't make it better. But it's something. Something good. Anything good. Please.)

This leads Mondo to begin pacing restlessly, messing with his hair so much his pomp fucking deflates like a bitch ass loser, but whatever. No one can see him but Taka and Taka never judges him. All Taka is doing is staring at him anxiously while biting the hell out of his lip (which is another thing adding to his agitation, but like fuck is he gonna think about that), saying nothing as Mondo stops and /thinks/ for a minute. And he clearly needs to think about this shit, since it's a lot fucking harder than he first thought.

Before, Mondo was just parroting whatever bullshit he's overheard the chicks in their class babble to one another whenever they talk about how to 'treat yourself,' or whatever. However, Taka is clearly different to all of that shit. Of course he is, he's /Taka/, duh. It's why Mondo _loves_ likes him so much. He's not like anyone he's ever met before, so of course all that basic shit wouldn't work for him. He's too much like Mondo for that shit to work. The day Mondo sits down and fucking /meditates/ is the day hell freezes over, and he knows Taka is the same. So, Taka… Taka needs something different. Something that you wouldn't find on a cutesy little website explaining all about that 'self-care' garbage. Something /special/.

So, Mondo just needs to think. Look at it differently. Like… what sort of shit helps him when he's tense as shit and needs a release? After all, he's come to find that Taka is surprisingly similar to him, so maybe the shit that helps him will help Taka, too, right? Now, the obvious answer to that is 'ride his baby,' but that shit is out since they did that earlier that day to mixed results. Maybe if they did it again it would help more, but Mondo doubts it.

The next answer to that also wouldn't work, since the next best stress reliever for Mondo is heading out to a bar and picking a fight with the biggest son of a bitch there. Ain't nothing better than feeling his knuckles burst against some bastard's recently broken jaw. It's almost as good as feeling his own bones break and crack, the pain almost like a lover's touch. Gets the heart pumping and loosens his shoulders a bit. Honestly, if he thought he could convince Taka to do that shit, he truly thinks it would help the kid out. Taka could learn a lot about loosening up from entering into an all-out brawl with some true scum of the earth. But he can already imagine the lecture he'd get for even suggesting anything to do with violence, and while he loves Taka's lectures, he's too frustrated to deal with that shit right now. So, that's also out.

Shit. Fuck. What /does/ he do to relax? Reading is a new thing for him, as is watching movies, but he knows he didn't use to be tense all the time. Clearly, he must have had a good way to relieve tension, yeah? Something he'd do regularly to blow off some steam, a way to make his shoulders relax that didn't have to do with fighting or riding. Surely he ain't /that/ stereotypical, yeah? He knows he does other shit. Shit that's relaxing. Shit that loosens his shoulders. Shit that makes it feel like every bone in his body has turned to jelly, a feeling of such intense bliss rushing over him. Shit like—

Mondo abruptly stops moving, everything inside of him freezing with his body. He goes a bit dizzy with the abruptness, his head rushing with the rapid change. He doesn't mean to have such an intense reaction to the idea that popped unbidden into his head, honestly, just… it wouldn't work. Right? It can't fucking work. They've spoken about this shit before, and Taka was quite clear about his stance on the matter. He never has and has no desire ever to. Which… shit. Might honestly be part of the problem… oh, fuck… oh, Taka ain't gonna like this shit… but if it has the chance to /work/, then… fuck. Just… fuck.

"U-um... kyoudai? Are you alright?" Taka hesitantly asks after a moment, bringing Mondo back to the present. Somewhat. His head is still ringing with the idea, but he's a little more present at least. "I-it's okay if you cannot think of anything... the fact you've been trying so hard means a lot to me and I'm sure that I can work through this myself, if I just-"

"No," Mondo interrupts, his voice tight and… and fucking /cracking/, Jesus Christ. He can't help it, though. He /knows/ Taka ain't gonna like his idea, but how can he say he did everything to help Taka if he ignores this shit? And now that he's thought of it, he can't /stop/. Because… because it would fucking /help/. It really would. If Taka never does that shit, that means he ain't been doing it this past week. And Mondo knows better than most how much that shit helps. And he also knows that if Taka would just get over his strict as shit morality, it would help him, too. He's a teenage dude, that shit definitely will help. It has to.

That doesn't stop the anxiety from filling Mondo, the realization that he /definitely should not be thinking about this/ hitting him strongly. Yeah, Taka is his bro and bros talk about this kinda shit, but… but it's /Taka/. His best goddamn friend in this godforsaken world. His best friend who is more innocent than a goddamn infant. There's something so fucking taboo about thinking of Taka doing shit like /that/. And yet…

(_There's also a part of Mondo that knows he shouldn't be thinking of shit like this for another reason. A better reason. A reason that makes his own pants grow tight, his blood rushing a bit too quickly through his veins. A reason that makes him feel more shame than he ever has before, and yet also strangely exhilarated. A reason he can't think on too long or else… or else. But he can't stop thinking of it, can't stop imagining it, he never can, it's seared in his brain and has been ever since a week before when they finally shared that goddamn, fucking bath and Mondo realized how fucking /attracted he is to his goddamn best fucking friend/—_)

Mondo closes his eyes and sighs softly, shoving everything away and locking it up tight. He runs his hand through his hair once more, the sensation of going over the crunchy, deflated locks familiar and somewhat soothing. Mondo knows he shouldn't be doing this, knows that this is poking a beehive that is best left alone, but… but nothing else has worked. Taka has shot down every other idea, and Mondo is privately starting to think that no other idea will ever work. Taka needs something different. Something you don't read about on the internet when looking up self-care bullshit. Something literally every single person on earth has done, other than maybe the most anally repressed jackasses who could prolly do with doing it once or twice. Something that will help with the tension Taka is feeling, if only momentarily, if only a little. It's a starting place, really. It's something. Anything. And Mondo needs something right about now. So does Taka.

And so… despite his misgivings, Mondo steels himself to this idea. He knows Taka is gonna hate it, but Taka hates a lot of shit at first. It'll be good for him; Mondo knows it will. Opening his eyes, he looks at Taka, determination filling him. He can see how anxious Taka looks, but he can't back down now. He has to say it. Carefully, so as not to spook the kid, but he's gotta do it. He's said a million times over now he'd do anything for this kid, right? So, he's gotta just say it and be done with it. He just… he's gotta.

And so… he does.

"No, shit. I, uh... I got one more idea. But yer not gonna like it..."

Mondo watches steadily as Taka takes that statement in, his eyebrows furrowing tightly. If Mondo wasn't feeling vaguely sick right now, he'd find it cute as fuck. But seeing as how he's trying hard not to fucking bolt from this conversation like a bitch, he's got more pressing things to think about than how goddamn adorable his kyoudai is. He knows, okay? He… he knows.

"You can tell me, kyoudai, and I will consider it, at the very least!"

Yeah. Yeah, that's what he thought the kid would say. He's so fucking accommodating that Mondo's sure he'd say that shit to his worst fucking enemy, honestly. It takes Mondo a few moments of levelly staring at the kid to gain the nerve to continue, which is a challenge since his nerves are reaching a paramount at a record pace, but he eventually does.

Sighing, Mondo nods again, clinging to his determination to see this shit through. He doesn't want Taka to hate him, so he has to be careful about this, which is fucking hysterical since Mondo has never been careful about anything he's said in his life. But hey. Today's a good fucking day to start…

"Okay. Shit. So, uh... ya remember Halloween, yeah? N-not our, uh... fight, fuck. I mean, like, before that. When ya met me in the entrance hall. Do ya... do ya remember what we were talkin' 'bout?"

There. That's a good place to start, yeah? He doubts Taka will have forgotten that conversation, as embarrassed as the kid looked, so he has to remember it. And by alluding to that shit, it lets Taka get used to the idea on his own time. A nameless thing until Mondo inevitably has to name it. Kind of like what Mondo's doing himself, since he sure as hell wouldn't be able to do this shit if he allowed himself to directly think about what he's about to suggest to Taka. His dick is already hard enough without directly thinking on it, thanks.

Mondo knows the second Taka understands what he means. One second the kid is frowning at the floor, deep in concentration. The next, he's bright red and staring at him with horror-filled eyes, the sight striking his heart. It makes him grimace, his determination wavering, but he quickly regains it. He's done plenty of shit he's been uncertain of in the past. It's better to press on and hope for the best than to back out like a bitch. He knows that.

"Okay, ya remember. Good. Now, when ya told me ya never... ya know. Jerk it. Ya meant that shit, yeah? So, ya've not... jerked it, in the last week? Or ever, I guess?"

This has got to be one of the most uncomfortable moments in Mondo's life. It honestly is rivaling that time Daiya caught him jerking off and wouldn't stop teasing him for weeks after. The second-hand embarrassment he gets from Taka alone is enough to make him want to turn tail and run. The kid is so fucking red, eyes wide and chest still as he continues to stare in absolute horror. It's honestly a bit of an overreaction in Mondo's opinion, but Taka is so expressive that Mondo can feel it viscerally either way. If he were a lesser man, he would honestly bolt and never look back. Luckily (or not. Definitely not), he's Mondo fucking Owada, and he doesn't quit that easy. A little embarrassment isn't enough to stop him. Even if he wishes it were.

"I- I don't see how that has any bearing on this c-conversation at all! A-and it's not your business besides, and... a-and-" Taka starts to splutter, but is stopped when Mondo begins striding towards him, not wanting to deal with the hemming and hawing. He knows that if he let the kid, he'd keep stammering until Mondo gave up out of boredom alone, but that ain't gonna fly here. It can't.

As soon as Mondo is within arms reach, he places his hands on Taka's shoulders, ignoring the immediate tension he feels bleed into the muscle. He knows that Taka is half a second from bolting and he needs a physical anchor to keep him here. And no, he ain't gonna trap the kid, if he really wants to fly Mondo's gonna let him, but this will act as a little insurance. He hopes.

"Shit, Taka, I'm tryin' ta help ya man! I promise I got a reason fer askin' this, ain't tryin' ta embarrass ya. Dudes talk 'bout this shit sometimes, so it ain't exactly weird. So, just..." Mondo pauses, looking off to the side to ground himself, before looking back, determination burning him but still present. "Okay. I can guess from yer reaction that that's a yes, then. In which case, kyoudai... I think that may be part a' yer problem. Jackin' off helps relieve stress an' tension an' shit, ya know? Not exactly a biology expert, but I guess it's got somethin' ta do with yer brain or somethin'. Some happy juice flowin' or shit. So... ya jack off, ya relieve stress. Problem solved."

Mondo does his best to say it casually, like it's not a big deal at all. Like it doesn't make him hot under the collar, his face flushing with the mental image his brain is unhelpfully supplying him. He hopes he sounds even slightly normal, but he knows he's getting close to losing his composure completely. In order to try and curb his own stupid ass reaction, he thinks of the least arousing thing he can think of to make his hard on go away. Unfortunately, that thing is the vacant look in Daiya's eyes as he fucking died in his arms, which definitely stops his stiffy in its track. It also has the negative side effect of thoroughly depressing him, but hey. Beggars cannot be choosers…

Luckily, before Mondo can spiral down into his negative thoughts anymore, Taka crosses his arms angrily, knocking Mondo's hands off his shoulder as the kid pouts up at him. Shit…

"N-no! Absolutely not! I-it is not right! B-besides! You have not... /done that/ in the last several weeks! If it is as tension reducing as you say, then why are you not doing it? I know you have been tense, too!"

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Holy shit. Did… did Taka really just say that? Did he honest to god say that… that he thinks /Mondo hasn't been fucking jerking it massively/? He… he's gotta be joking… right? Mondo looks at Taka deeply, trying to decipher if he's joking or not, but… no. No, the kid ain't joking, is he? He legit thinks Mondo hasn't been rubbing one out every goddamn night for the past several weeks, sometimes multiple times a day. Dear god. Mondo knew Taka was innocent, but this… this takes the fucking cake. He hadn't even really been trying to be subtle about it and had honestly thought he'd been a bit too obvious about it at times. He just thought it was the kinda shit they didn't talk about in order to save their friendship.

Because of his bafflement, Mondo can't help the look he gives Taka. It's a look that's one part 'are you fucking kidding me,' mixed with one part 'Taka, you're too fucking innocent for your own good,' with a small dash of 'oh dear god, that's the cutest fucking shit I've ever heard' mixed in for good measure. He doesn't know what the kid reads on his face, but he doubts it's good, if the miserable little look Taka gets on his face is anything to go by. Goddamn… that definitely ain't what he wants. He never wants that.

"Ya really are that fuckin' innocent, ain't ya... Taka. Kyoudai. The fuck d'ya think I've been doin' in the shower ev'ry night? Ya really think I always take a half-hour long shower all the time?"

Taka blinks at the question, looking taken aback and very confused. Mondo watches in real time as Taka realizes what he means, his kyoudai's face going from confused, to growing comprehension, to absolute mortification in two seconds flat. It's honestly a bit impressive.

"Oh! I- I... oh!"

Mondo knows he shouldn't do it. He knows it will offend Taka, knows it will /hurt/ Taka, knows it's a bad fucking idea. However, he cannot prevent the small snort of laughter from releasing, his lips trying to twitch upwards into a smile. It's not his fault, either! Taka is just so fucking adorable it makes his heart sing, even in the worst of situations. Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately, the laugh does hurt Taka, the kid staring resolutely on the ground with a bitter scowl on his face, cheeks as red as ever. It makes Mondo feel bad instantly, and so he lifts his hand to place it on Taka's shoulder again, hoping to make the kid see how serious he is about this. He can feel Taka tense again, his body angling to fucking flee the room, and so Mondo tightens his grip, giving an apologetic look when Taka whips his head up with wide ass eyes.

"Shit, ain't makin' fun a' ya, Taka. Just... s'cute, s'all," he apologizes quickly, before moving back to the original conversation. Maybe it would be best to let this whole thing drop, but he has already committed to this shit. He can't fucking give up now. He can't. "But I'm bein' serious, man! Why not? An' don't say it's immoral. It fuckin' ain't, not unless yer fuckin' Christian, which I know y'ain't. An' yer prolly so fuckin' strung up fer it that it wouldn't take more than a few pulls anyway, no need fer any thoughts or nothin', so it ain't bad that way either. If it bugs ya, I can leave or somethin', let ya do it alone... but, fuck, man. I really think this shit'll help. All I know is, certainly ain't helpin' things that yer not jerkin' it massively each night."

Taka looks mortified again, eyes shining with unshed tears. It breaks Mondo's heart for the millionth time, and part of him wishes he never started this goddamn conversation in the first place. But… if it helps Taka in the end…

"M-Mondo... I... I can't!" Taka abruptly cries, burying his head in his hands to hide the tears Mondo can plainly see, dislodging his hand once more. While the majority of Mondo feels so fucking bad for the kid, part of him is kind of glad the kid is at least taking this whole shit seriously and isn't just saying he'll consider it without intending on doing that shit at all. Mondo sure as shit wouldn't accept that as an answer. Not today. Not for this.

"Again, why the fuck not?! C'mon, kyoudai... ya say ya trust me, so then... /trust me/. Okay? This shit'll help. I fuckin' guarantee it. An' it... it uh... it might help yer other issue, too. The uh... the nightly one."

Shit. Mondo watches as the tears intensify in his kyoudai's eyes, the water making the red so much more vivid than before. It's so fucking beautiful it honest to god takes his breath away. He knows it's an inappropriate reaction to have when seeing his kyoudai almost cry, but… god, if Taka ain't the most beautiful person he's ever met…

"... t-that's not... that's not what I meant," Taka whispers, voice shaking horribly. Mondo watches with sharp eyes as the kid pushes on, visibly swallowing his nerves. "I- I mean... I /can't/. I don't... I don't know how. I've never... I- I took an online sexual education course once, my school not providing it, but I knew that such information is important for a young adult, but it didn't... it didn't provide any information on how to actually /do/ something like that! A-and I know the mechanics of it all, the basic idea, but I don't... I don't know... c-can we please stop talking about this? Please?"

Mondo is staring at the kid intensely now, eyes like lasers as he tries to parse that confession. Taka stares right on back, eyes wide and guileless, and Mondo knows he's being one hundred percent truthful. He honestly doesn't have any fucking clue on how to fucking… fucking /pleasure himself/. He's so repressed he never did the shit that Mondo did as a preteen, testing out what he thought would work and learning (sometimes painfully) what didn't. And now, at sixteen, the kid is so hesitant and self-conscious he doesn't realize that exploration is the fucking point. Learning your body, learning what feels good, what doesn't. He doesn't realize you just gotta fucking /do it/. Christ… god, this kid is so fucking innocent… god, it's so fucking /cute/…

But he's got a kyoudai to help, so he can't dwell on that shit. Clearing his mind of all inappropriate thoughts, he doubles down on helping Taka get through this. He has to, at this point. He truly does.

"Shit, man. Ain't like it's rocket science. Ya take yer pants off, grab yer dick, an' start pullin'. Not too hard, just... firm, ya know? Yer body'll tell ya if it feels good or not. If it feels good, keep doin' it. Feels bad, try somethin' else. Not hard, man. Think this shit's prolly an instinct, or somethin'."

Taka gets an annoyed look on his face, one that Mondo can't fully read but that looks kinda constipated.

"I- I don't know, kyoudai... I- I... I don't think I can. E-even the thought of it makes me feel vaguely... s-sick. I-it's why I never... never... m-maybe there's something wrong with me, k-kyoudai, or maybe I'm broken... but I don't... I don't think I..."

"... ya get aroused. I know ya do," Mondo replies blandly after a few stunned moments, not really sure how to decipher Taka's newest confession. He doesn't… think he can? It makes him feel sick? But… why? He gets aroused, Mondo /knows/ he does! He feels it every goddamn night… so how can he feel /sick/ about it…? Unless… unless the fact that he's dreaming of _Mondo_ whatever he's dreaming of disturbs him that much… but… he…

Mondo watches with a clenched stomach as Taka closes his eyes, a shaky gasp escaping his bitten lips. A single tear falls down Taka's cheek and it breaks Mondo's heart so fucking much. Without a single thought, Mondo lifts his hand and gently wipes the tear away, letting his hand remain cupping Taka's face afterward. It helps ground him, honestly, and he hopes it helps Taka, too. He just… he just wants to help Taka… he'd do /anything/ to help Taka… he… he…

"Shit, don't feel bad, man. Please. I ain't judgin' ya. I'd be a damn hypocrite if I did. Just... I meant that I know it ain't 'cuz ya don't feel it. The desire. So... yer just... nervous. Maybe if we talk 'bout why ya feel that way, we can-"

"No!" Taka exclaims abruptly, eyes opening so fast Mondo wouldn't be surprised if the kid gets whiplash. More tears leak out as Taka shakes his head angrily, but Mondo doesn't let his hand fall away from the warm cheek he's still holding. He fucking can't let go, not now. He feels like he's on a precipice, about to fall into the inky black unknown, and the only thing anchoring him to reality is his hand on Taka. Fuck… "Please, Mondo. /Please/, just... let this go. I..."

Silence descends around them for several moments, Mondo seriously debating if he should actually listen to Taka for once, knowing this shit is hurting his kyoudai so fucking bad, but… but…

"I can't. I'm sorry, but... I can't."

More tears fall from Taka's eyes, a soft sob escaping his lips. It makes Mondo sigh softly, feet unconsciously taking a step closer to Taka, his heart aching so fucking bad, but he… he knows he can't stop this. They've come this far; if he stops now, nothing good will come from it. He will have hurt Taka— made him /fucking cry, again/— for no goddamn reason. He… he needs a reason. To have done this. To have forced this issue. He needs Taka to /listen/ and do as he says, so that this wasn't all a fucking waste. He can't let Taka grow to hate him for forcing this, knowing that if he lets it go Taka will never figure out why he is so afraid of this, why he thinks he's fucking /broken/ or something. He's not. Taka is not broken, he's fucking perfect the way he is, and it's Mondo's life mission to get the kid to see that. Even if it hurts. Even if it's uncomfortable. He just… he has to…

"This shit is obviously botherin' ya, Taka. Like... fuck. A lot. An' I know that if I drop this, y'ain't ever gonna work on it, content ta just ignore this shit like ya ignore all unpleasant shit in yer life. But, Kiyo, I can't let ya keep goin' on thinkin' yer broken or shit. 'Cuz y'ain't. Not at all. I can't let ya give up without ya at least tryin'. An'... an' maybe..."

Mondo freezes as an idea pops into his head. It's a stupid idea, like all of his ideas are stupid, and he immediately wants to push it away and never think of it again. To lock it deep inside his subconscious, like he's been locking all thoughts similar to it, knowing nothing good can ever come of them. It's stupid, idiotic, and it won't help. It won't. It… it won't.

And yet…

And yet, as he looks into Taka's wide, watery eyes… as he feels the kid's body against his, all hard planes and smooth lines… as his dick swells impossibly, all the blood in his head rushing south, leaving him very lightheaded and weak… he suddenly can't think of a better way to do this. To help Taka. To /show/ Taka that it ain't… ain't wrong, ain't… ain't a problem, he… he'd do anything for this kid, he knows he would, he… he'd do fucking anything, anything, he… he would…

"Maybe I can help."

The silence that follows is deafening.

"... W-WHAT?!"

Mondo flinches back at the unholy screech that Taka lets out, heart beating a frantic tattoo in his chest, knowing he fucked up but also knowing he can't let this end here. He… he's gotta fix this shit, needs to make Taka realize he ain't fucking around, get him to see the logic in this illogical solution. He started this shit, he's gotta see it through to the bitter end. He can't let it end like this. Can't let Taka hate him for this. He just needs… god, god, he just needs Taka to fucking /trust him, please, just trust him/.

"Shit, man, don't make such a big deal outta it! Look. I just... I know what I'm doin', yeah? An' ya don't. We've seen each other's dicks, ain't like we don't know what they look like. A-an' yer my /bro/, bro. And bros... they help each other, right? It ain't gotta be weird. Shit ain't awkward 'less ya make it awkward. I ain't... I ain't ever done this shit with no one else, but I wanna help ya. I /can/ help ya. I know I can. S-so... what d'ya say?"

Mondo says it with such conviction that he's almost able to fool himself into believing it. Believing that this is a normal thing that bros do together, that he'd do this shit for any of his bros, that it's not fucking /weird as shit/.

But as he looks into Taka's wide eyes, every emotion the kid has ever felt reflected within them… as he feels Taka tense against him, so close Mondo can feel every last tremor… as his mind blanks at the thought of what he just offered to do, as he thinks of what it would be like to… to fucking… to fucking /watch Taka as he jerks off, jerking off alongside him, showing the kid what to do but not needing to since Taka is always such a quick study, the smartest fucking person he's ever met, so determined and fiery and beautiful, so fucking beautiful, inside and out, he's a goddamn masterpiece that Mondo could never dream of holding onto for long, knowing he could never be what Taka needs, knowing that Taka deserves so much more, knowing he'd just break Taka's heart in the end because Mondo is so painfully broken he can't even begin to piece himself together, a piece of trash that should have been thrown away ages ago, worthless and pathetic and disgusting, so disgusting, lusting after his best fucking friend who could never want him that way, never love him the way he desperately wants to be loved, never see him positively especially after this, after showing his depravity, his immorality, his sinfulness, his horrible fucking attraction-/

"… you know what? Fine. Fine! Fine, you win! If you want to do this so badly... then fine!"

Mondo gets shocked out of his spiraling thoughts by the loud outburst, his insides so fucked up it takes him an honest to god minute to decipher what Taka said. He feels like trembling, like crying, everything so fucked up inside of him he wants to scream with it. But as he looks at Taka, the kid staring at him with a sort of defiance in his eyes, all fire and passion and life… as he stares at his kyoudai, on a precipice of his own making, a steep cliff veering off into the unknown, he… he needs…

He needs to know where this is going. Needs to follow this path until the bitter end. Needs to fall off this cliff, into the inky blackness below, his kyoudai pressed tight against his chest as they fall together. He can't think of anything else as he stares at Taka, can't think of the consequences or the problems that might arise from them doing this shit together, can't think of the numerous reasons why not. He can't… he… he can't…

Determination rising, Mondo looks up from the floor he'd apparently began staring at, deep into Taka's beautiful as sin eyes once more, and says "yeah, okay. Okay."

And that's how they find themselves— five minutes later— seated on a towel Taka placed on Mondo's couch, pants off but underwear still on, down to their undershirts, with Mondo's heart racing a mile a minute at the absurd realization of what they're about to do.

Dear god, this is really it… they're actually fucking doing this…

"Alright. Shit... just... close yer eyes, okay? Close 'em an' try ta calm yerself. Yer too worked up ta do anythin' right now. Yer gonna need ta be in the right state a' mind ta do this. So... close yer eyes. Think happy thoughts. Hell, think 'bout studyin' fer all I care, s'long as it makes ya stop bein' so goddamn nervous. Y'ain't gotta be, okay? Just... trust me. And this... this'll change nothin' 'tween us. Okay? I promise, and yes, that's a man's promise. No matter what happens here... we'll be good. On my end, at least."

Mondo does his best to sound like he's in control, like he knows what he's doing. Like this is shit he's done a hundred times and is fully confident in how it will turn out. He's not, of course. Not at all. He promised that this will change nothing between them, that they'll be good, but he's actually not certain on that. He knows he /wants/ shit to be fine between them, knows that nothing they do here will change how he sees Taka, but… but he has no idea how Taka will take it. Taka is so repressed that Mondo has no idea how this will affect him in the end. Will it help like Mondo is hoping? Will it disgust Taka so greatly he refuses to ever get close to Mondo again? Will the planet spontaneously implode before they can actually get to the action, successfully stopping them from continuing down this path? Who knows, honestly. Who the fuck knows. Not Mondo! But damn him if he stops this shit now. He's set them on this path, it's his goddamn duty to see them through it. Even if he's terrified to see the end results.

Mondo can hear Taka sighing, his eyes closing gently a moment later, but he feels strangely detached from it all. He just stares at his kyoudai, drinking in every last detail of his face, needing to memorize it in case Taka really does kick him to the curb after this is said and done. He knows he should be doing exactly what he told Taka to do, to try and relax the impossible tension within him, but he knows how futile that shit would be. Besides. It's not him who needs to learn how to fucking /masturbate/. He just needs to show Taka the ropes, show him the mechanics of it and help him feel more comfortable doing this shit alone. Whether or not he gets off is irrelevant. In fact, it might be best for him not to cum in the end. That… that would be too much. A confession he shouldn't ever give. This isn't about him at all. It… it's about Taka. Precious, gorgeous Taka, who needs help. Not disgusting, perverted Mondo. Definitely not.

Mondo is forced to look away quickly, cheeks heated, when Taka finally opens his eyes and looks at him, the dreamy quality to the kid's eyes too much for him. Part of him wonders what the kid thought about to relax so much, but he knows that's unimportant. As long as it helps, that's all that matters.

"Alright. Ya calm?" At the kid's sharp nod, Mondo grunts, continuing. "Okay. Good. So... shit. Don't know the best way ta go 'bout this. Uh... okay. So, maybe it'll help. If ya... if ya had some idea a' what ta... well. Do. I guess if I asked ya if ya'd be interested in lookin' up some porn, ya'd say no?"

Taka doesn't even bother to answer that verbally, just gives Mondo a dry, highly unimpressed stare. It makes Mondo wince a little, a soft chuckle escaping his lips despite it. Yeah, he figured that shit, but it's always good to get confirmation before plowing forward with stupid ass ideas…

"Heh, yeah. Figured. Porn ain't exactly helpful anyway, not like it reflects reality at all. So then... I guess I'll just hafta show ya. Is that... fuck. Is that okay?"

Mondo always knew that this was what he was building up to when he suggested they do this, knew this was the only way to help Taka through this mental block of his. He knew it, knows it, and yet… and yet something about saying it aloud makes it suddenly feel so impossibly /real/. He… he's actually gonna fucking /show Taka how to jerk off/. This ain't a delusion or twisted fantasy or anything. This is /real/. One hundred percent, agonizingly /real/. Holy fucking shit… what has Mondo fucking done…

Mondo watches with a numb heart as Taka sighs and nods wearily, like he's just doing it to make this whole thing end already, not… not because he actually wants to do it, not… o-oh, god, what the fuck is Mondo doing… Mondo fiddles with his shirt, sighing himself, uncertainty filling him as he tries to untangle his jumbled thoughts. Yes, he still thinks Taka should do this, but is this really the right way to go about this? Does Taka actually want to do this, or is he just… just going along with it? Like he always fucking does, no matter what Taka says about not doing shit he doesn't want to? He… he needs to figure that shit out, needs to know if Taka wants this before he… he continues, he has to… has to… fuck. Just… fuck.

"Okay. Ya know what? I'm gonna ask. Do ya wanna stop this? I still think ya should try ta figure this shit out, but I ain't... goddamn. I don't wanna force ya. An' I realize I kinda am, ain't I, shit, fuck... goddamnit. Taka, dude, if you... if ya wanna stop... if you don't... ya don't hafta. Y-you don't... ya don't... I ain't gonna make ya... fuck. I'm fuckin' ruinin' everythin' right now, aren't I? God /fuckin'/ dammit! I... I don't know what the hell I'm doin', shit..."

The panic inside Mondo begins to reach a fever pitch then, everything inside him feeling wrong and foreign. His hands are shaking, his breath is shallow, and he thinks he might be a second away from passing the fuck out. He doesn't know why he's so freaked out, just… just… fuck. Fuck.

This shit, it's… it's the kinda shit his old man would do. Right? Would force his way onto others, not caring what they wanted or what they needed. He would say that he deserved to always have his way since he was the man of the house, and everything was forced on his shoulders. And he… he would force his ma to do shit she didn't want, all on the basis that it was his fucking house, and he was the man, and he had a right to whatever he fucking wanted. And isn't… isn't that kinda what Mondo is doing right now? Doing what he thinks is right, regardless of if Taka wants it? All because he's the fucking leader, the big bro, and he fucking knows best, even if he /doesn't, doesn't know anything at all, is more pathetic than the worthless child he once was and always will be, because he's nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing/-

Mondo is jolted away from his thoughts yet again by the feel of a gentle hand on his arm, burning in its intensity. Mondo looks up with wide eyes, staring directly into brilliant scarlet, full of kindness and compassion, things Mondo doesn't deserve, has never deserved, and he… h-he…

"You... you're not ruining things, kyoudai. And I know that I'm a bit... nervous... but please know I do appreciate you trying to help me. I cannot say I am fully comfortable about this, but I trust you, Mondo. Fully and completely. And I... it does bother me sometimes. That I... er... you know. /Can't/. S-so... if you think this may help... then I trust you. And it's like I've told you. You... you cannot force me to do anything that I don't already want. I agreed to this. We might as well see it through..."

Taka says it confidently. Firmly. Like he means it. Like he… like he isn't just trying to placate Mondo. Like he realizes how fucking ridiculous this shit is, but also thinks it has a chance of helping. And part of Mondo doesn't believe him. Part of him thinks Taka is lying, trying to reassure Mondo even if it makes him so profoundly uncomfortable.

And yet, the longer Mondo looks… the easier it is to believe that maybe, just maybe… Taka wants this too. Wants to jump off this cliff together, blind and fumbling, but together. Always and forever together. They can do anything as long as they're… they're together…

Finally, after several seconds of staring and trying to compose himself, Mondo finds himself nodding slowly, before fucking /gulping/. Audibly and everything. Because why not, right? Why the fuck not… he's about to do something that is going to irreparably change their relationship, for better or for worse, so he thinks he's allowed to do stupid, weak shit.

And then, before he can talk himself out of it and make shit a million times worse, he… Mondo, he…

He removes his fucking boxers, his body completely fucking nude from the waist down.

Dear, sweet Jesus Christ… he's actually fucking doing this…

~Taka is staring. Mondo can plainly see that Taka is staring, can see the bright red eyes focused on Mondo's hard as rock dick, a kind of /hunger/ within them that makes Mondo feel dizzy. He thinks it should make him feel a bit disturbed that his best friend is looking at him like he's a goddamn three course meal, like he wants nothing more than to devour him whole, should find it strange and disturbing and maybe even a little disgusting, and-

He doesn't, though. Dear fucking /god/, he doesn't.

"S-so... damn. I guess ya should take off yer briefs as well. So we... s-so you... so you can do. What I, uh... what I'm doin'."

Mondo's words are faltering and fumbling, his heart racing as he thinks about Taka baring himself, every last ounce of blood within him rushing south very, very fast. He doesn't know why he is so aroused by this, knows he shouldn't be aroused by this, he's supposed to just be helping Taka, not getting off on this, but he… he can't fucking help it. And his head is too full of cotton to dwell about /why/. He… he doesn't fucking wanna dwell about why…

Everything gets worse (better? Maybe? God, he doesn't know, he /doesn't know/-) when Taka does exactly what Mondo says, not even hesitating a moment, his briefs gone before Mondo can mentally prepare and /fuck, oh shit, dear Jesus Christ, oh holy mother fucking shit, fuck-/

It's Mondo's turn to stare as he sees Taka again, the subtle length as fucking gorgeous as he remembers. Taka's dick is so fucking hard it could prolly cut glass, the length and width still the perfect size for his _kyoudai_ friend, best friend. Mondo's breath gets all strangled as he stares, his own dick getting somehow harder at the glorious sight before him. Mondo didn't even know he had any blood left within him that wasn't already located within his dick at that point, honestly. He doesn't think he's ever been this hard, this painfully aroused, and of course it's Taka that made him feel like this, perfect as sin Taka, the most beautiful person he's ever met, inside and out, perfection incarnate, god, god, /fuck/.

But Mondo has a job to do here. He vaguely remembers that he's supposed to be helping Taka here, not staring like a creep, and he tries to shake the fog off a little to continue on with his little 'lesson.' It doesn't work as well as he would hope, but it works enough that he thinks he can continue on. Maybe. He hopes.

"Holy shit... u-uh... okay. Um... fuck, where was I goin' with this... s-shit. Okay. So just... start by grabbing yer shaft with yer dominant hand. Just... hold yerself fer a second. Get a feel fer it."

Mondo accompanies his words with action, knowing he has to actually show, not just tell. It feels almost agonizing to touch himself now, his dick so sensitive it almost hurts, but he forces himself to do what he normally does when he jerks off. He doesn't move, though, waiting for Taka to copy him so they can move on together. Christ.

However, after a few long seconds, it becomes clear that Taka isn't intending on moving. He just keeps staring at Mondo's dick, and Mondo begins to feel a bit self-conscious about this. Is he… is he judging him or something…? Considering this is Taka, he'd assume not, but also… Taka doesn't usually get so caught up in staring at shit, usually eager to learn, so… uh… fuck.

Clearing his throat awkwardly, Mondo is about to start talking again, asking if Taka is alright, if he wants to stop, but it seems that clearing his throat was enough to jolt Taka back into the land of the living. Taka tears his eyes from Mondo's dick and begins to stare down at his own, a little uncertainty rising in his expression as he shakily lifts his hand and just… leaves it there, hovering just above his dick. Mondo has no idea what the kid is thinking, if he's having second thoughts, if he wants to stop or not, and it's honestly starting to freak Mondo out. Mondo has never felt more uncertain about anything and all he knows is that he doesn't want to hurt Taka. Not ever.

It's right when Mondo is about to break the silence between them once more and actually ask Taka if he's okay that the kid finally begins to move again. Motion determined, like he was never uncertain about it at all, Taka grabs at his own dick, holding firmly and securely, exactly like Mondo is showing him. God, Mondo knew that Taka was a quick study, knew that he was so fucking quick at everything, but this… god, if it were possible for him to get harder, he's sure he would. He aches with his arousal now, and he knows he can't hold back much longer. He could straight up cum from this alone, he knows he could, so he has to keep going before he fucks this entire shit up. Fuck.

"S-shit... ya ready fer the next step?" Mondo asks breathlessly, no oxygen reaching his brain whatsoever. He can see Taka turn to look at him again, that ravenous look back on his face, and dear /Christ/ is that not helping. He knows he should wait for Taka to let him know he's ready, knows this is about helping Taka and that he should be involving Taka in this process, but… Christ, he has to keep going, needs to move this along already. And who knows, maybe that's the kinda shit Taka needs right about now. He's already out of his comfort zone. Maybe he just… needs a helping hand or shit.

Taking a deep breath, Mondo nods and continues with his little 'lesson,' hoping this shit makes any sense whatsoever, since he sure as shit ain't able to make sense of anything right about now.

"O-okay. So, uh... just start goin' up an' down. Grip should be tight but not painful. Might have some resistance, if so ya can use yer precum ta help. Or I got, uh... I got some lube, ya can use that. Otherwise, just... start movin' yer hand."

It's actual torture to show Taka the proper movement he was talking about, his body yearning for release that he can't give it quite yet. Fuck, it's lucky that Mondo's always been the kinda dude who likes teasing himself and testing his limits. He's never gone quite this far in holding off, but the practice is definitely helping. Christ. It gets worse when Mondo can see Taka begin to move his hand out of the corner of his eye, the sight so fucking erotic that he has to avert his gaze if he wants to have any hope of lasting longer than a few seconds.

Mondo manages to hold onto his release, but after a few moments he can't resist going a bit faster, his lips releasing small noises of pleasure as he goes. He does know that he should be verbalizing this shit to Taka, explaining the process, but he can't for the life of him untie his tongue to actually do it. He has to hope that Taka's staring (which Mondo knows the kid is still doing, can practically feel the scarlet red burning into his flesh) is enough to show him what to do, since he still can't look at the kid without wanting to burst.

~~And it's just when Mondo is about to reach that point, the point where he can't hold on any fucking longer, his body /needing/ release or else he'll explode… everything in him tight and tense and on fire and /yearning, yearning, yearning/… it's at this point that Taka finally says something. And the thing he says is…

"S-stop," Mondo can barely hear Taka gasp, the kid's voice strained and weak and fucking /trembling/. Mondo is almost too far gone to even register it, body aching so bad, but he's spent weeks carefully attuning his entire being to this one fucking kid, and as such he knows the instance that Taka rips his hand away from his dick, trembling like a goddamn leaf. It messes with Mondo's head, his body aching for release but his mind overflowing with concern. The two emotions are such a juxtaposition inside him that Mondo feels numb as he rips his own hand away from his dick, entire body tingling unpleasantly with the absence. He trembles as he finally looks over at Taka, stomach sick when he sees the misery on that beautiful face, misery that Mondo should have seen coming, should have anticipated, should have fucking /stopped before it even had any hope of forming, Jesus fucking Christ, he's such a goddamn piece of shit/-

"F-fuck, g-goddamn... y-ya okay? Taka... Kiyo, speak ta me, what happened?" Mondo breathes, his arousal warring with his concern, which is now also warring with his rapidly rising self-loathing. He watches numbly as Taka closes his eyes, tears shining beneath the dark lids, agony flowing from his every pore. It breaks Mondo's heart to see it, causes him to hate himself more than ever before, which /dear god/ is saying a lot. H-he… he shouldn't have done this, shouldn't have made /Taka/ do this, god, he's such a piece of absolute shit and he doesn't deserve anything good or nice or happy or pleasant or /loving or-/

But that's not important now. I-it's not… it isn't- he needs to make sure that Taka- that Taka is okay, needs to- to make sure… Taka needs help, he needs to make sure Taka is okay, that's what matters. He'll punish himself later, maybe get on his hog and drive until he fucking /crashes against a wall like he deserves/, but first he has to help Taka. He just… he has to help Taka. He has to. Has to.

Please.

"Kiyo... shit, I need ya ta talk ta me... please, man, are you okay? I- I... fuck we... this was a stupid fucking idea, I..."

"I'm sorry," he hears Taka breathe, the kid's eyes still shut painfully tight. "I- I'm sorry. I don't know what I did wrong. Maybe I just... maybe I just can't. Y-you know. Orgasm. I-it happens sometimes, to men, and I... I- I'm so sorry... p-please... please don't hate me..."

Mondo lets out a pained noise, and he can't help how he reaches out to touch, needing to try and soothe. His /everything/ is so out of order right now and he doesn't know what to think, let alone do. He still feels so painfully aroused, his dick harder than stone, but the concern and self-loathing are tempering it angrily, and everything inside of him aches with Taka's sorrow. He… he hates when Taka begs him not to hate him… he never could, it isn't possible for him to ever hate this incredible boy, he's so fucking lucky /Taka/ doesn't hate /him/, Jesus Christ. He watches as Taka rips open his eyes and stares at him, misery drowning the poor kid, and /god/ does it destroy Mondo to see it. But he also can still see some desire, /lust/, and fuck, does that mess with his fucking head, too. What the fuck is even going on anymore… hell if Mondo knows.

"I could never fuckin' hate you, Kiyo. Never. Fuck, I'll be lucky if you don't hate me. This was my fuckin' idea and I... shit. Maybe... oh, goddamnit," Mondo mutters softly, another fucking idea hitting him as he stares intensely at Taka, sees the desire and the want. And he knows he shouldn't. Knows this is too much, knows Taka would /never/ forgive him for this. But his brain isn't working, everything inside of him so fucked up, and all he can focus on is that Taka clearly was enjoying this shit, had been /staring at him with hunger/, he just… seems to have a problem doing it himself. And if his only problem is the fact that he can't do it himself, then the logical conclusion would be…

Mondo closes his eyes, the brilliant scarlet burning him as the thoughts overwhelm. This is… it's too much. All of it. None of this feels real, it's like a dream, but he feels too much for it to just be a dream. Mondo is so fucking hard, yearning for release, and he /knows/ Taka is too. And he… he knows he can help. Can make Taka feel good. So fucking good. He… the kid deserves it. To feel good. To have someone take care of him for once. To have someone hold him close, press loving kisses to his face, whisper sweet nothings into his ear. To be worshipped like he deserves to be worshipped. God, Mondo would gladly devote his entire life to worshipping this perfect fucking kid. Making him feel so fucking good. Mapping out every inch of him, learning the little spots that make him /scream/. Ohhh, /god/, does he want that.

And he… he could do that. Right? If he went through with this idea of his. Stupid fucking idea that it is, it would… he could… if Taka wanted it. If Taka /wants/ it. Wants him. He could do it. He knows he could, it wouldn't be much different from doing it to himself. Right? Well… it would be different while sitting on the couch, side by side. Reaching over, touching. That would be different, different angle. But maybe… if he was behind Taka, pressed along his back… arm wrapped around him, holding him close… maybe against the wall…? Would that work? It would provide more stability, and would allow Mondo to press against Taka firmly, and… and… and he wouldn't have to see those /eyes/, burning him, so beautiful they make him want to cry, judging his every move, seeing how worthless he is and seeing his failings. H-he can't handle those eyes, he loves those eyes so much, he hates them for their intensity, loves them for their passion, craves them for their beauty, dreads them for their honesty. They see everything inside of him and he's terrified of the day the person they belong to realizes what exactly they've been seeing. He can't see Taka, can't have Taka see him, has to leap off this cliff eyes shut tight or else he'll fall apart before hitting the asphalt below. He can't go back now, he's free falling into nothingness, coming apart at the seams, and he's taking Taka down with him. The only question is… does Taka even want that?

Can Taka possibly want that?

Can Taka possibly want /him/?

He…

Mondo rips open his eyes, everything swirling within him, but he's made his decision. No matter what… he's made his decision.

"Okay. Okay. Okay, okay... okay. I got... I got one more idea. An' this is the fuckin' stupidest of 'em all, but we got this far. Might as well make this mean somethin', 'specially if it ruins fuckin' everythin'. So... d-do ya still trust me, Kiyo?"

Taka blinks, and doesn't even hesitate before replying, "with my life. Always."

The immediate response makes Mondo smile, soft and gentle, something about the words making him… relax. Oh, don't get him wrong, he's still freaking the fuck out internally, but as he looks into those stunning fucking eyes (_judging, judging, always judging_) it's easier to tell the thoughts to shut the fuck up and focus solely on Taka. To not dwell on what he's doing, and instead focus on what he can do to help Taka.

He just needs to help Taka.

Please.

Please.

"Okay. Then... I'm gonna need ya ta stand. An' head ta the wall. Just... just trust me. I'll explain when we get there."

Mondo can only stare at Taka, part of him thinking that if he looks away, reality will collapse. He watches as Taka nods, watches as he stands and heads for the wall. Mondo follows after him quickly, not looking away for a goddamn second. He fights not to stare at Taka's bare ass, though, ignoring the ridiculous desire he has to kneel down and bite the fuck out of that smooth, unblemished skin. Ohh, but fuck is that a hot as fuck mental image… god fucking dammit.

Once the kid reaches the wall, he turns around to face Mondo, eyes wide and trusting. It makes Mondo grimace, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck nervously, part of him wishing Taka hadn't turned around. His brilliant eyes are making Mondo's heart race terribly, his thoughts definitely not appropriate, the self-loathing still there but masked now by his unbearable arousal. Fuck. Just… fuck.

"U-uh... okay. I'm not entirely sure 'bout this, but just... face the wall. An' put yer arms on it. Like... plank style, at the elbow. Forehead too. Just... lean against it."

Taka doesn't even wait a second before he is doing as Mondo asked, obediently facing the wall again and leaning against it perfectly. God, he's so fucking trusting… Mondo would never do shit like this for an asshole like him… Mondo's gonna have to work on Taka's trusting nature one day. It will seriously get him hurt if not addressed… but that's a problem for a future Mondo. Assuming Taka doesn't hate him after all is said and done, of course. Christ.

Still uncertain how to go about this, Mondo lets his body move a hint closer to Taka's, like he's been craving this entire goddamn time. He doesn't press up against him, knows he has to get explicit consent before he does absolutely /anything/, but he can still feel Taka's heat against him and it's just… god. Everything.

"O-okay. So... this was my thought. Ya... you were havin' issues with touchin' yerself, yeah? So, I thought... I thought, maybe... if it were, uh... someone else touchin' ya... it might make it easier. Then- then you'd know. What you like. What you don't. A-and... an' it... it would be easier ta... to... fuck. Do it yourself. If you know what you like already."

Mondo can't stop the way his voice wavers as he makes his stupid fucking request, knowing this is too much, knowing this is more than either of them should ever do with one another, especially when they're supposed to be fucking /brothers/, but… he… god. God, the idea of it is driving him mad. His insides are tensing so beautifully, his blood singing with the idea of what he wants to do, the idea of it all feeling so very /right/, not wrong. Like they are meant to do this. Like they're /supposed/ to do this. Like this has been what they've been hurtling towards this entire goddamn time, since the minute Mondo met this perfect fucking kid in a hallway before school even started, captivated without knowing why. Like this is /good/.

But then he hears Taka let out a strangled sound, and his nerves flare up, his hand shooting out to hold onto Taka's hip unconsciously, needing something to ground him. Oh god. Oh fuck. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

"S-shit... we ain't gotta, man, I know this is fucking insane, I know, /I know/, but I fucking started this shit, and I can't leave this halfway, man, I fucking... s-shit. But I ain't doin' a goddamn thing ta ya if ya don't tell me to do it. An' I gotta hear you say it, no hesitation, nothing. I ain't gonna rape ya, Kiyo, so I need ya ta consent fully or I ain't... a-and if you don't- don't want to do this, even a little, /tell me and I will stop right now, I will leave you the hell alone, forever if you want and I-"/

"I want it," Taka breathes, his forehead pressing firmly against the wall, gasping for breath. He's trembling before Mondo, like a leaf in a hurricane, and Mondo doesn't know if he can believe his words when he looks so terrified. Taka… Taka doesn't do this kinda shit. Not ever. He can't even fucking /masturbate/, it's clear he doesn't like sexual shit. How can Mondo know that Taka truly wants this? That he's not going along with it like he's been going along with all of this, even though he clearly didn't want it? Mondo isn't his old man— he /isn't, he isn't/— and he can't force himself on Taka, not even a little, not even a hint. He needs consent, verbal, full consent, before he does fucking /anything/. He needs… h-he needs…

"I gotta hear you say yes, man, I gotta hear you say you want this and know you mean it. Please, Kiyo, I need you to tell me-"

"Yes! Yes, Mondo, /please/, I want this, I want you, I just... god. /Yes/," Taka suddenly cries, sounding so /sure/ that it shorts out Mondo's brain. Every ounce of resistance inside of him fucking /vanishes/ and all that's left is burning hot desire, his brain mush because of it. He's never felt this turned on before and it would be terrifying if he could think. He knows he'll hate himself for this later, knows he will despise everything about himself, will feel cold, hard /regret, regret, regret/, but at this moment… at this moment, he /doesn't care/.

And at this moment… he finally, finally gives in.

~Rushing forward like a man possessed, Mondo molds his body to Taka's, pressing up against every last line and curve. His dick presses up against the top of Taka's ass, since the kid is so fucking short, and it feels so insanely incredible he can't help but desperately press his hips forward. He just about goes feral when he hears Taka moan, the sound shaky and breathy and /perfect/, so much better than when the kid is sleeping, so much better than anything Mondo has ever heard before. Mondo lets his left hand continue to hold Taka— tighter than he knows he should— while his right hand snakes around the kid's body, intent on its prize. But Mondo freezes before he actually touches Taka, even as badly as he wants it, knowing that he has to… has to be /teaching something/ or else none of this makes sense. H-he's not gay, he's not, he's not, he's only doing this to help Taka. He… h-he's only…

"F-f-fuck... Kiyo... p-pretend it's you. T-touchin' yerself. Pretend... fuck..." Mondo whispers, hand hovering over Taka's dick, waiting for the kid's approval. He doesn't have to wait long, Taka is nodding frantically before Mondo even finishes speaking, and it's so hard to hold back, but Mondo /needs/ to explain shit, needs Taka to understand, can't do this without some understanding because he doesn't understand, doesn't understand /at all/, but he's trying. God above, he's trying.

"A-alright... I'm gonna... gonna touch ya now. If at any point ya wanna stop, tell me immediately an' I will. No questions asked. Understand?" Mondo whispers again, pressing his lips to Taka's ear, feeling intimately every time the kid shudders. He feels when Taka nods, too, frantic and desperate.

"Yes," Taka gasps. "I understand."

Mondo shudders, desire overflowing inside of him, but he has one last thing he needs to say. Needs to… to know. He… he needs…

"Good. Now... tell me if it don't feel right. I'll adjust. Never... never did this for another guy, I... tell me. If I do something you don't like."

Taka nods again, and Mondo can see from the corner of his eye that he's fucking /biting his goddamn lip/, and that's the last fucking straw. Mondo presses impossibly close to Taka, crowding him fully against the wall, hand moving closer and closer and closer and /then/… t-then…

Mondo's touching Taka.

Stars burst across his vision.

"Holy fuck," he whispers hoarsely, the velvet heat under his palm so similar to his own, and yet so drastically different. Mondo moves his hand, sliding up and down like he does for himself, and /fuck/ is it good. So goddamn, fucking /good/. It's nothing like jerking himself off, because even if the motion is the same, the feeling is different. He doesn't get immediate pleasure by doing this, his dick not feeling the motion, and yet it somehow feels even better than anything he's ever done to himself. It's just… the /idea/ of it. Of giving Taka pleasure. Of making him feel /good/. It… god, it's better than anything he's ever /dreamed/ of, knowing that he's directly responsible for making Taka feel pleasure. Not to mention how good it feels to press his dick to Taka's back, the top of his ass so tantalizing close, the heat unbearable. It's all so… so fucking… so /fucking/…

"Holy shit, holy motherfucking shit, Jesus goddamn Christ, /fuck/," Mondo whispers again, mind blank, head empty, desire clouding everything. And then- then. /Then/ Taka fucking /moans/, hot and sweet, pressing back against Mondo's dick desperately. It makes Mondo moan, broken and desperate in response, everything in him on fucking fire. And then Taka is /moaning again/, pressing his ass against Mondo's dick purposely, deliberately, and /god, god/, Mondo isn't gonna fucking survive this shit. He never thought this would feel so good, never thought he'd /want/ this shit so much, never thought Taka would want this shit either. All those dreams, all those fantasies, he thought them ridiculous. He didn't want Taka like that, he wasn't /gay/, he can't feel this way for Taka. He can't desire him like this.

He can't /love him like this/.

But he does. He does, he does, he /does/. Want Taka. Desire Taka. /Love Taka/. He… he loves Taka. It's so clear to him, in this moment, pressing so desperately against the kid as he runs his hand up and down his dick. He's in love with Taka, so desperately, painfully /in love/. Has been this entire time, knows he has been, he's so fucking stupid for not realizing it. He wants Taka in every sense of the word, not just like this, but everywhere. Every time. He wants to take him out on the town, wants to see the city lights reflect in his beautiful eyes. He wants to bring him to special places, spoil the fuck out of him, see the wonder and pleasure light up his face. He wants to kiss Taka breathless under the stars, wants the whole world to see, wants the whole world to know that Taka is /his/, only his, forever and for always. He wants to give every last part of himself to this kid, wants to make sure he knows how loved he is, how desired, how wanted. He wants… h-he wants…

"Christ... didn't know it was gonna fuckin' feel like this, didn't know this was gonna be so fuckin' good, ya feel so fuckin' good Kiyo, mm, god, ya feel so good... I know ya wanna cum, I can feel how hard ya are, why don't ya cum fer me, baby, c'mon, I wanna feel ya cum all over my fuckin' hand, god, yer so fuckin' beautiful, god... f-fuck..."

Mondo doesn't know what he's saying, can barely think, barely breathe, his entire being is focused on the feel of Taka underneath him. He wants to feel this way forever. Wants to make Taka /his/, only his, wants everyone to know what they've done here today. Wants to make it painfully clear to any chick or dude who even tries to look at Taka that he is /taken/, claimed, owned by someone else, owned by /Mondo/, wants to own every single goddamn part of this precious fucking kid. He feels Taka press back against him again, a high-pitched keen releasing from his Taka, desperate and needy, and Mondo can't fucking take it, /he can't he can't/, it's too much, everything and nothing and he can't figure out what any of this means, and he just wants… he just /wants/…

Before Mondo knows it, his mouth is on Taka's neck, /biting/ the tender flesh he finds there, biting like he's always wanted to bite. To /claim/. Taka… Taka is /his/, he belongs to him, is his entire /universe/, there's nothing in this world or outside it that he'd not give this kid willingly, he /loves him so fucking much/, so much, so much more than he's ever loved anyone or anything and more than he ever will. He bites Taka and he feels Taka tremble against him and he knows Taka is close, can feel it in the tension before him, can feel it under his palm, under his lips, under his /dick/. He knows Taka wants this, hears his moans, knows Taka is so close so /close/. And he wants… he /wants he wants he wants he wants/-

"Come on, come on, I know ya feel it, I know ya want it, I fuckin' know ya, Kiyo, I know what ya fuckin' like, I can tell ya want this. Give in. Give in ta me, let me take ya apart, I wanna see ya fall apart, baby. An' I'll put ya back together, I promise I will, I ain't ever leavin' ya, not now... n-not now that I know how fuckin' amazin' ya feel, how beautiful ya look when yer fallin' apart, how fuckin' incredible ya taste... I want ya, all a' ya, ya have no idea how much ya've been drivin' me crazy this week, pressin' tight ta me, moanin' in yer sleep, humpin' my fuckin' leg... made me feel so fuckin' dirty, wantin' ya, wantin' ta press my cock between yer ass an' fuckin' pound ya, didn't know the fuck it meant, was so fuckin' scared but I ain't fuckin' scared, not a' this, not anymore. I want you, Kiyo, I want you ta fuckin' /cum all over me/, goddamnit, I want ya ta feel me inside ya, I wanna cum inside ya an' I want ya ta /feel it/, g-god... fuckin'... l-look at what I'm doin', Kiyo, look at me as I fuckin' jerk ya off, I want those fuckin' gorgeous as sin eyes a' yers on my hand as I fuckin' /make ya cum-"/

Mondo trembles with the words he releases, word salad, none of it registering to him. He feels so much right now, feels everything, feels Taka against him and he can't handle it at all. He's so hard, so desperate, but he can't cum until Taka does, needs to feel Taka as he explodes for the first fucking time, needs to be the cause of if, needs to be the reason Taka finally lets go of his impossible tension and just /lives/. He needs to feel Taka, needs to feel all of Taka. He loves him so much, needs him so much, needs Taka to know how much he needs him. He doesn't know why he was so scared of this before, it makes more sense than anything else in his life. He loves Taka, of course he loves Taka, Taka is perfection incarnate, how can anyone not love Taka? He wants to worship this kid every day until he dies, wants to give all of himself to this precious boy, wants to do everything right by him. God, /god/, maybe he even wants to /marry/ him, hold him /forever/, the two of them closer than anyone else on this planet, needing one another so desperately, so fully, so completely. He needs Taka, he /needs/ Taka, he /fucking needs Taka forever, he/-

"AHHHHH!" he hears Taka /scream/, loud as fuck, and then he feels as Taka's dick twitches in his hand, warm heat spraying out and hitting his hand, the wall, everything. But Mondo doesn't stop, can't stop, can only look down at his /everything/ and wonder why it took so long for him to realize what this kid means to him. Why he wasted weeks and months denying this when he should have known all along. When he did know all along, he was just a coward, hiding from the truth like a heretic. He loves Taka, loves him loves him /loves him/, and if he could do only this for the rest of his life, give Taka pleasure, watch him /fucking cum/, then he'd die a happy man.

And then, then he feels Taka press back against him, aching, desperate, and Mondo can't hold it back any longer, it's just not fucking possible. Mondo fucking /screams/, not caring if anyone hears, forgetting that the rooms are soundproof but not caring either way. Let the world hear, let them /know/, let them all know what has happened here and what Mondo has learned. He loves Taka, he /loves Taka/, he desires him and he wants and he loves him forever. Let the whole /universe/ hear him and know him and understand him. He… he needs… he wants… he… h-he…

He presses against Taka, rests against him, mind and body reeling with everything that has happened today. He doesn't know what to think about any of this, doesn't know how to feel. He can feel his high start to crest, can feel it crescendo, and he's terrified of what will happen when he crashes to the floor, he's been free falling this entire time and that can't happen without consequence, but he doesn't want to think of that, doesn't want to think of the /later/, wants to focus on the /now/, now, with Taka in his arms, satiated and languid and beautiful and /his, his, his, his/, all his, only his. They shared this moment together, were in this /together/, always together, and never has he felt anything more beautiful, more exquisite, more astounding, more-

~~~ "Perfect..." he mutters aloud, the first word he's said that he is conscious of, his lips mindlessly pressing another kiss to the smooth, tender skin before him, right under his Taka's ear, "yer so goddamn perfect, Kiyo... g-god..."

Taka is panting, Mondo can hear it, and it drives him /mad/. Everything about this boy drives him mad. He's everything he's ever wanted and more, everything he could ever possibly want. He doesn't deserve this kid, will never deserve this kid, and it's a marvel to think that he is /his/, that Taka is his, only his, always and forever his. They… they're here for each other, together forever and never to part, always close and always tight and always /them/. Minutes pass as Mondo kisses Taka's neck slowly, meaningfully, his heart full and his mind blissfully blank. He doesn't think about the consequences of what they just did, doesn't think about the implications or the meaning behind any of it. He just kisses Taka, wishing that it was the kid's lips he was kissing. Wishing… wishing… wishing.

God, how he wishes.

In the end, Mondo doesn't even know what it is that happens to make him feel so afraid.

All he knows is that one second, he's kissing Taka's neck, sweet and meaningful, full of so much /hope/ for the future, not worrying about the shit he always fucking worries about. He's happy, light, lighter than he's felt… ever, really. He wants so much, needs so much, and for the first time ever, he doesn't think about why or what or how. For that one second, for the first time ever, he's finally /okay/.

But then the next…

The next, he's struck with a feeling of such intense /terror/ that it almost paralyzes him. His heart has stopped beating, his body has stopped moving, and everything inside of him is full of goddamn /fear/. He doesn't know what causes it, what about their actions post orgasm made his brain kick back on and /scream/ at him, but something did and now he's trapped inside his head with the terror and self-loathing he can't ever make go away.

Just… what the fuck did he just do… oh /god/, what the fuck did he just /do/?!

His hands clench tight, his body on fire with panic and /shame/. There is resistance under his hands, though, and then he hears Taka let out a pained noise and he realized that he's /bruising Taka, holding him too tightly, oh god, oh god, what the fuck is he doing, what the fuck did he do, what the fuck is wrong with him, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck/-

Mondo rips himself away from Taka, everything burning within him, but in a terrible way this time. His chest is full of terror, his mind full of panic, and the only thought he can think of, repeating in his mind again and again and again is /oh god, I just raped Taka… oh god, I just raped Taka-/

Because he did. Didn't he? He had to have, had to have forced this on Taka, forced himself, forced the kid to do shit he didn't want, because of /course/ Taka couldn't have wanted that, wanted /him/, he doesn't fucking /belong to him/, isn't his to have, his to hold, is not someone who could ever want him, desire him, /love him/, Taka deserves better, so much better, and this explains why, this shows /why/, Mondo just fucking /raped his best goddamn friend and forced him to do this shit and he's not even gay, he likes chicks, he knows he does, and if he likes dudes then that means he must like both, both chicks and dudes, and that would mean he's just like his goddamn old man, just like him, taking and taking and taking, hurting those who love him, hurting those who should love him, hurting those who he cannot love because he is incapable of love, incapable of caring about someone other than himself, he can only hurt, and hurt, and hurt, and hurt, nothing else, nothing else, he's not good for anything else, he… h-he…/

"M-Mondo? W-what... are you okay?"

Mondo flinches at the shaky, terrified voice he hears, and all he can hear in his head is /da? Why are you hurting me? What did I do wrong? Please stop, I'll do whatever you want, please stop, please stop! D-da-!/

He has spent his entire goddamn life trying not to be like that piece of shit. He has spent every hour of every day trying to follow Daiya's rules, trying to be better than that goddamn piece of shit who beat an innocent fucking child— /his/ innocent fucking child, who he /should have loved, should have wanted to take care of/— for no goddamn reason. He has never wanted to be like him, and he's always known that he has a high possibility of becoming /exactly/ like him. His anger is his old man's anger, rage that burns so brightly inside him that it pours out and burns everything it touches. His violence is his old man's violence, angry fists, angry words. He's always known how easy it would be to become his old man, to let /his/ anger consume him, /his/ violence come out of his fists. Mondo has spent so many years trying to not let /his/ bitterness consume him and turn him into the monster he always knew lurked underneath the surface. He never wanted to become that particular monster, never wanted to become the kind of monster that hurt the people he's supposed to love.

But look at him now. Now, on the floor of his room, clutching his hair in his hands. Now, having just violated the person who matters most to him, who he's supposed to /love/, and yet he just hurt in the worst possible way. It doesn't matter that Taka said yes. It doesn't matter that it seemed like he wanted it. He couldn't have wanted it. Couldn't have wanted Mondo, couldn't have wanted /that/. Mondo did it not to help Taka, not to guide him, but solely because /he wanted it/. He wanted Taka, like the depraved, disgusting monster he is, and he let that monster out and he /hurt Taka, god, he hurt Taka, his Taka, his precious and beautiful Taka, he… h-he…/

"M-Mondo..."

Mondo hears a soft, whispered voice call his name, and /god/ does it hurt. Mondo has no idea what is going on right now, has no idea what is happening inside of him. He just hurt Taka, hurt his best friend, but he's /not fucking gay/, and he can't like both, he can't, he can't, god, /please/ he can't. He just wanted to help Taka, how did this all fucking happen, how did he let himself slip so far, so fast, how… h-how did this happen, he didn't want this to happen, he just wanted to help Taka, he just wanted to help his /kyoudai/, he just… h-he just…

"S-shit... s-s-shit, what the fuck... what the fuck was that, god fuckin' dammit, what the fuck," Mondo finds himself muttering, trembling horribly, hands holding his hair so tight he wonders if he'll tear parts of it out. He wishes he would. Wishes he could hurt himself as much as he must have hurt Taka, his Taka, his beautiful and bright kyoudai. Or… not his. Not his. Taka doesn't belong to him; he never did, and he never will. He just wanted to help him, to help him, and because of him it turned perverted and wrong and he /hurt Taka, but he's not even gay, he can't be gay, he doesn't like both he can't like both he can't he can't he can't/- "I don't know what the fuck that was, shit, I'm not... I'm not /gay/, I'm not fucking /gay/, shit, I was just tryin' ta help, what the fuck, what the /fuck/, T-Taka- f-fuck!"

Mondo looks up, then, eyes uncomfortably wide and full of unshed tears, misery consuming him. He hates himself for that, too. He can see Taka now, can see the devastation on his beautiful face, and he knows it's his fault. He caused that. Is causing it with his presence, he hurt Taka in the worst possible way and now Taka will never want anything to do with him ever again. Any second now Taka will tell Mondo to leave his room (Mondo's room, but it's not his anymore, it belongs to Taka, Taka has filled it with life and happiness and it's his more than it's ever been Mondo's) and say he never wants to see Mondo again. He will never look at Mondo with kindness again, will never want to be near Mondo again, Mondo will have to get on his hog and ride until he can't ride any more, never returning, he forfeited his right to stay at this godforsaken school the minute he decided that touching Taka intimately was a good idea. Any second now Taka will cast him out, cast him away, tell him to leave and never return, and Mondo will /listen/, he'll listen, because it's the absolute least he can do to try and make up for what he did, there's no way of fixing this, but if he can just do as Taka says, what he requests, then maybe it will make it a little better, maybe, maybe, any second now, any second, any second, any second-

"This doesn't have to change things between us, Mondo," Taka says softly, eyes imploring, beseeching, begging Mondo for… something, something, but /fuck/ does he not have any clue /what/. What… what does Taka mean, this doesn't have to change things between them? Didn't… didn't Mondo hurt Taka? Of /course/ that changes things! Taka… Taka should hate Mondo, should despise Mondo, should never want to see him again! Mondo /hurt Taka/, he deserves to be punished for that, to be crucified and despised and reviled, whatever that word fucking means! He… he deserves… he hurt Taka, and he deserves… deserves…

Right…?

R… r-right…?

"Mondo... k-kyo-/kyoudai/... t-this changes nothing. We... we still are friends. Still... still are /brothers/... you were just helping me, I see that, I am so thankful to have such a kind and caring b-/brother/ as you... this doesn't have to change anything... p-please..."

Taka's words are soft and gentle, pleading, a small, tender smile upon his lips. He doesn't look like a person who was just violated, who was just hurt. He looks like he always does, beautiful and wonderful and bright. He… he looks truthful, too, like he means his words, like he truly believes that this… this changes nothing between them, like Mondo… Mondo /didn't/ hurt him irreparably, like things are /okay/ between them, like… like Mondo doesn't have to leave, doesn't have to lose Taka, doesn't… d-doesn't…

Mondo has no idea what is going on. Everything inside of him is fucked up and aching and /hurting/. But as he looks at Taka, sees the desperation inside those beautiful as sin eyes, as he sees the kid begging him for shit he doesn't understand… as he looks at this, sees this, believes this, he… he knows he has to push down his internal panic. He'll think of that shit later. /Later/, when Taka ain't here and can't see him fall apart. He doesn't know how long he can delay the panic inside him, but for now, he will. He will pretend shit is fine, pretend that he didn't have a goddamn revelation earlier, pretend he didn't fall apart because of said revelation, and just… try and get shit back to normal and process later. That's what he has to do right now. Make things /normal/.

Please.

Please.

/Please/.

Doing his best to push everything /down/, Mondo blinks for the first time in minutes. It's a slow, heavy blink, like waking up from a long, heavy sleep. He frowns, eyebrows furrowing in thought, and he looks away from Taka as he tries to settle shit inside of him. To find the words he needs to make shit /better/. He'll never be able to fix shit entirely, he knows that, but he promised the kid that no matter what, things between them will be good on his end. If Taka isn't kicking him to the curb, then… then he's gotta figure out how to make shit normal between them again until Taka learns why Mondo is a monster who can't be trusted. He's gotta. It's his fucking duty.

Finally, after a minute, Mondo thinks he has a way to make things a little more normal. He has words to say, actions to do, and he'll do everything in his power to make this shit work. He looks back at Taka, sees the desperation in those red, judging eyes, and he nods.

"Nothing... nothing has ta change," Mondo mutters softly, nodding his head once more, confirming to himself this plan of action. Then… then he closes his eyes, takes one deep breath to finally shove the rest of everything /down/, and then…

His eyes open. And he smirks. And he does everything he can to make sure Taka /never/ discovers what Mondo learned after jumping off that cliff.

"Heh... g-good... wasn't anythin', was it, was just... bros helpin' bros, yeah? Didn't mean a thing. Not a single, goddamn thing. I ain't fuckin' gay, alright? I- fuck. I'm /not/, I was just helpin' ya out. Like a bro does. So... yeah. Nothin's gotta change. R... r-right? Nothin'... nothin's gotta change?"

Mondo looks at Taka and he sees as he smiles and some part of him knows it's fake, knows Taka's in pain, but he can't focus on that, can't believe that, believing that will make him fall apart and he promised shit would be fine between them, and he just… he doesn't know, he /doesn't know/, but he has to keep going because that's all he can do. All he can ever do.

"O-of course, kyoudai! O-of... of course... nothing will change. Nothing... nothing at all."

/And ain't that the bitter truth?/

Mondo forces himself to laugh, light and breathy, pushing back the stupid ass thought. He doesn't want shit to change. He wants shit to go back to how it used to be; before he made them do this shit and almost ruined everything. He doesn't want Taka like that, he doesn't /love/ Taka like that, he… shit, not the time, not the /time/. Later, he tells himself. Later. For now, he just has to keep moving. Please… please keep moving…

"S-shit... okay. I... okay. S-so... w-wanna... watch a movie?"

There. That's normal. Right? Watching movies. Sitting close together, watching a movie together. They do that shit all the time, it's /normal/, it's what they do. And if… if Taka doesn't wanna, doesn't feel like he can, then… then Mondo will work with that, will respect the kid's choice, will realize that the kid was lying when he said nothing has to change, because of course shit will change, of course it has to change, of course-

"U-um... sure! I should probably head to the bathroom... first, aha... y-you can get the movie started and I'll be right there?"

It's at that moment that Mondo realizes they're both still nude from the waist down, Taka fucking /covered/ in- nope. Not thinking it.

Blinking, Mondo takes one second to compose himself, before nodding firmly. He stands, legs shaking, body trembling, and heads to the couch. He grabs his pants that are folded neatly on the coffee table (Taka did it before they started this shit, because of course he did), not caring about his boxers, and he roughly shoves them on. He then heads to his DVD collection and looks through the boxes, needing something to focus on that isn't his half naked /kyoudai/, covered in shit he can't think about without wanting to spontaneously combust. He waits to hear the sound of the bathroom door closing— listening for several breathless moments as Taka putters silently through the room before he finally enters the bathroom and shuts the door— before he drops the pretense of looking for a movie and lets everything that just happened hit him all at once, like a semi truck to his chest.

He just fucking gave Taka— his /kyoudai/— a hand job. He kissed his neck, whispered sweet secrets he doesn't remember but likely shouldn't have told, felt shit he never should have felt, and came to the feel of his /kyoudai/ against him. He did this in the pretense of helping Taka, telling himself that he just did it to show Taka how to masturbate, but that's not the truth and he knows it. He acted like his old man, did shit he wanted, and he didn't care who he hurt. He… he hurt Taka, even if the kid is pretending that he didn't, and now they're trying to make shit go back to normal even though Mondo doesn't even know if 'normal' is something they can ever have ever again. Because… because…

Because he realized that he loves Taka. Loves him, truly and fully and deeply. Loves him more than he's ever loved anyone or anything. Even now Mondo feels it, nestled deep inside his heart, never to be removed, it's so deeply entrenched in there. He… he…

As the sound of the shower fills the room, deafening in its intensity, Mondo… Mondo…

Mondo places his head into his hands, and he begins to cry. Not soft, gentle tears, like Taka will sometimes give, but big, belly aching sobs, the kind he's not let himself shed in years. He can only hope that the sound of the shower drowns out the sobs he can't stifle; the pain he can't hide. He… he can't stop them, can't make them go away, can't make this better.

He… he doesn't want to love Taka. He /doesn't/. He… he can't. Taka… Taka doesn't love him. Taka /can't/ love him, because Taka doesn't fucking /know him/. Not… not the real him. The version of him that's a biker gang leader, that is violent through and through, that craves pain and destruction like a child craves sweets. Taka has never seen him in action, has never seen how honestly terrifying he can get when he's truly angry. Taka has seen it a little, knows it because Mondo was an idiot that first month, but he doesn't fully /know/. He… he doesn't know what Mondo is. What Mondo has /done/. He… he…

He doesn't know that Mondo is a goddamn /monster/.

So, Taka can't love him. Any affection he may feel is just… misguided. A naive, trusting child, seeing the best in a monster. He can't feel any actual love; in fact, if he knew the truth about him, he'd hate Mondo as much as Mondo deserves to be hated. Mondo doesn't deserve Taka's love, and so he will never have it. Not truly. Not really.

As such, Mondo himself, he… he can't love Taka. Not like that. He fucking /can't/. He… h-he wasted so much of his life loving someone who could never, ever love him. Of watching and waiting and /trying, always trying/. Trying to do better. Trying to /be/ better. Trying to be what she needed him to be, but always, endlessly failing. H-he… g-god, he can't do that again, can't give all of his love only to be rejected in the end, knowing he deserves it because he doesn't deserve love. Knowing that his love is toxic, stifling, a parasite that takes and takes and takes. Daiya died for Mondo's love, died because of Mondo, died because Mondo never was and never will be good enough. Mondo doesn't deserve to be loved, has never deserved love, and is so pathetic that he still wants it even now, even knowing what his love does to people.

His mother died feeling utterly indifferent to him, not even caring enough to hate him, and it was prolly the best-case scenario for her. Yeah, she still died in the end, but at least she didn't die thinking Mondo was worthy of her precious love. Not like Daiya. Not like the brother that he /killed/.

Mondo is poison. He is gasoline. He destroys, and he hurts, and he kills. Taka can't love him because if Taka loves him, Mondo will find a way to destroy Taka, too. And Mondo… Mondo can't do that, can't hurt Taka, can't make him hurt that way. H-he… he can't love Taka /like that/, can't be /in love with him/, but he does love him a little, in some way, and he can't be the cause of Taka's pain. He's already hurting him, did something unforgivable to him, and he can't keep doing it. He has to be what Taka needs, has to help him in any way possible, has to do right by that precious, incredible boy. Mondo doesn't matter. Mondo has /never/ mattered. Daiya always tried to tell Mondo that he did, he does, but Daiya is dead because of him, so clearly Daiya was wrong. Their old man was right all along; Mondo is worthless and pathetic and he will die alone. He deserves to die alone, unloved, /forgotten/. He has never deserved love, doesn't deserve anything that good or pure or light, and he'll never have it. He knows it.

But if there is one good thing in this life that he can do, it will be to help Taka realize that he does deserve it. Love. Affection. Attention. Taka thinks that he doesn't, that he's not worthy of such a thing, but he /is/. He, more than anyone, is. And it's Mondo's life mission to ensure the kid sees that. That he realizes how worthy he is before the kid realizes that Mondo ain't and leaves his ass behind. If there's one fucking thing Mondo does in this life of his… it's to help Taka realize he deserves love. Please. /Please/.

Please.

And so that's what he'll fucking do. All of this shit… it doesn't fucking matter. Love. Attraction. Even if he does feel it, it's useless, so he'll ignore it either way. Taka matters more than anything else and he just has to keep going and be what Taka needs. Even if it hurts. Even if it's confusing. Even if he doesn't know what the fuck to do, is drifting horribly, confused and uncertain. He doesn't matter. He's never mattered. Only Taka matters. Only Taka.

Only Taka.

It takes Mondo a little while, but soon enough he's able to stop his stupid ass tears and calm himself down. Everything is still so confusing inside of him, but it's a little easier to breathe now that he has some semblance of a plan. Taka… Taka said that he was just helping him out, yeah? And he… he was. Maybe he enjoyed himself a bit more than he should have, but what teenage boy wouldn't? Yeah, it felt life changing and intense and like it was the most important thing to ever happen to him, but that shit is prolly just 'cuz he's never done that shit with anyone before. Of course it feels life changing when it's the first time he's ever done shit like that with another human being. It doesn't mean he's attracted to Taka. It doesn't mean he's /in love/. He's just… a teenage dude who's never gotten laid before. That's all.

That's all.

(_And he knows. Okay? He knows, he knows, he knows. He's full of shit, he's lying through his goddamn teeth, but what the fuck is he supposed to do? Accept this shit? No. No, no, no. No. That runs the risk of ruining shit with Taka, and he fucking /can't/. He promised that shit wouldn't change and being /fucking in love with the kid/ would definitely fucking change shit. So… he can't. And if lying is all he's got, then he'll give it his fucking all. Lying's all he's good at. All he's ever been good at._)

With that all settled, Mondo finally gets up and grabs a random DVD off the wall. It's Fast and Furious, a movie he's seen a dozen times, and he guesses it's good enough. Mindless, droll. The kid doesn't like it, but he doesn't hate it, either. It'll do for now. They've got a long time until the day is over so who the fuck knows what's gonna happen next. Not Mondo. Definitely not Mondo…

The motion of taking the old DVD out and putting the new one in is oddly soothing to Mondo, giving him the illusion of productivity. As the stupid fucking trailers play on the DVD, Mondo finds himself hesitating, uncertain of what to do now. Taka is still in the shower, the sound plain to hear in the relatively quiet room, and Mondo is at a loss of what is expected of him now. Does he just… sit here, waiting for the kid to finish? Does he start the movie and hope Taka doesn't feel hurt that he started without him? He's not certain and the uncertainty is fucking killing him. He hates it. He truly does.

It's as he's debating what to do next that he happens to look around the room absently, something he always does when thinking, and feels his body freeze when his eyes get a little too close to /that wall/. The wall he and Taka… that they…

Mondo closes his eyes, taking a deep breath to shove down the nausea rising in his stomach. He refuses to acknowledge that it's not just nausea he feels, because that's going to make it worse. It truly will.

After a minute, Mondo is able to open his eyes, body turned in the direction of the wall. He… he doesn't want to think about it. Doesn't want to be reminded of it. What he and Taka did. The shit they did together. He honestly wants to forget and move the fuck on, already. He just… he can't…

But he can't just move on immediately, can he? No… no, there's still shit he's gotta do, shit he… he has to… while he still can't bring himself to look directly at the wall, he knows how disgusting it's gotta be. Both he and- and Taka… well. It's gotta be fucking nasty as shit, yeah? And Taka is so strung up about cleanliness that he sure as shit won't let it stand. If… if Mondo doesn't take care of it, Taka will, and Mondo… Mondo wants Taka to be reminded of their actions even less than he wants himself to be reminded of them. For some reason only god knows, Taka isn't telling him to get lost. The more the kid gets reminded of Mondo's depravity, however, the more likely it is that the kid /will/. And he… he's so fucking selfish, but he doesn't want that. He /can't/ want that. He… he can't.

So, the best course of action is for /Mondo/ to clean the wall. In order to clean the wall, though, he's gonna need some cleaning supplies. Which Taka just so happens to keep in their bathroom. Which the kid is currently in. Naked. And wet. And-

W-well! That ain't a problem, since Mondo knows that Taka still keeps some of his cleaning shit in his room, too. While Taka's been slowly moving his stash into their shared room, he still keeps a small amount in his own room for the days he decides he has to clean the unused room up. Gotta keep it 'spiffy,' or whatever.

At least it works in Mondo's favor, and now he'll be able to grab cleaning materials without having to enter his bathroom, where Taka currently is. Naked. Soaking wet, naked, water dripping down his body and-

Grabbing his coat blindly, Mondo quickly heads out of his room and into Taka's to grab the cleaning supplies he knows he'll need, knowing he has to go quick. He doesn't want Taka to exit the shower while he's gone and think he ditched him, after all. That shit would be the fucking /worst/. He doesn't think it'll take him long to grab some basic cleaning supplies, Taka's room is right next door, and the kid always has everything put in its perfect place. And while he doesn't do it often, Mondo does have some knowledge of cleaning supplies, thanks.

Mondo's plan goes off without a hitch, no one in the hallway to bother him as he switches rooms, and he's all set to grab the shit he needs, clean the wall as quickly as he fucking can, and then never think of this shit again.

However… once Mondo is in Taka's bathroom, eyes casually glancing past the mirror like he always fucking does, not thinking much of it… he catches sight of himself in the giant fucking mirror. And he looks…

Terrible. Absolutely fucking /terrible/. His eyes are all blood shot and red, his eyeliner is smudged and ruined, and his hair is in fucking shambles. He grimaces at the sight, self-hatred rising inside of him. But he doesn't have time for that, he's gotta get back to his room before Taka finishes his shower, he's gotta be quick about this.

He can't leave himself looking like this, though, it'll make Taka think something is wrong, so… so Mondo quickly grabs some toilet paper and gets it a little wet, adding some liquid hand soap to it. He then scrubs his face the best he can, trying to get off all of his kohl that got smudged. He hates having to do it like this, prefers using the shit Daiya would buy him that's designed to remove makeup and shit, but after a few rounds of scrubbing and rinsing, he manages to get the kohl off well enough. He takes a second to feel grateful he grabbed his coat, since he always keeps a spare tube of kohl in one of the inner pockets for when he's gotta touch up his look when on the go. In a matters of seconds Mondo has his eyeliner back on, fierce as ever, settling him somewhat to look in the mirror and see him looking more like himself. There ain't much he can do about his bloodshot eyes, but at least his wings look fly as shit. And as for the hair, he throws that shit into a messy bun to be dealt with later. It ain't gonna win him any style points, but at least he looks a little less like a disaster. It's something. Anything.

With his presentation done with, Mondo continues his task of getting the cleaning supplies, which takes less than a minute. Mondo can feel his body trembling a little as he gets closer to completing this part of his plan, but he- he can't fucking give up now. He's Mondo fucking Owada and he ain't a goddamn quitter. So what his mind is starting to fill with static at the mere thought of being near /that wall/, painfully reminded of what he and his kyoudai did? So what the feeling that rises inside him isn't disgust, isn't disgust at all? So what he can feel his insides stirring at the reminder, his breath quickening and his blood starting to boil? So what? So /fucking/ what? It means nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing has ever meant less in the history of the world, so… yeah. Whatever.

Mondo hurries back to his room after that, pushing everything away. Naegi and Kirigiri Jr. are talking in the hallway when he exits Taka's room, but one warning glare from him keeps them from questioning him about anything. Shit. Ain't like he can't be in his kyoudai's room, is it? Ain't nothing weird about that. Nothing weird about him grabbing cleaning supplies from the room either. It's just… it's fine. Whatever. Who fucking cares.

Mondo is back in his room before he can mentally prepare himself, his skin tight and his stomach agitated. Seeing two of his classmates had made everything worse inside him and Mondo has no fucking idea what he's supposed to be doing now. He has to clean the wall, he knows that, but… but… god. Fuck. Whatever. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it just… it doesn't…

It doesn't matter.

Please don't let it matter.

Stomach clenched, Mondo stiffly turns towards that /fucking/ wall, breath shallow and hands shaking. He wants to do this clinically, to not think of anything as he cleans the wall, to have it be as meaningless as it should be, but… b-but…

But as soon as Mondo approaches the wall… eyes rising to it unbidden, sees the fucking drying /spunk/ on the wallpaper… strips of white upon vivid pink, marring the pristine color, ruining the look… he… he feels… he /feels/…

He feels an intense rush of pure /heat/ fill him.

It's followed closely by a rush of absolute /shame/.

_The shame isn't strong enough to completely block the heat, though. Nothing is. It's not fucking possible._

Mondo does his best to ignore the pressure building up inside him as he takes the sponge he borrowed and begins scrubbing the wall, using the cleanser liberally. As he scrubs, he is forced to push down the mad desire inside of him to trail his finger along the milky white substance and lick at the digit, face flushing as he tries (and fails) to ignore how fucking hot the mental image is. Just goes to show how fucking /depraved/ he is. God fucking dammit…

Working quick, it only takes Mondo a minute to fully clean the wall, though he makes sure to take an extra thirty seconds to make sure that it's truly as clean as a fucking whistle. Once he's done, he stares blankly at the now clean wall, fighting the emotions that are bubbling away inside of him. He doesn't want to think about the heat under his skin, doesn't want to contemplate /why/ he feels so hot, doesn't want to understand what any of this fucking /means/. He doesn't. He doesn't. He /doesn't/.

_He already knows. He knows. He can't help but know. Because no matter how much he tries to lie to himself, no matter how hard he tries to deny the truth, nothing changes the fact that he desperately, /desperately/ wants to do this again. With Taka. To feel the kid against him, to press him against the wall and make the kid /feel/ him. No amount of denial or self-hatred can fully push away the fact that Mondo desperately wants his best fucking friend. Nothing._

But he can't feel that. He's not allowed to feel that. So, he pushes it away like he pushes everything away.

It's all he's got.

With the wall clean, Mondo is again left to wonder what the fuck he can do while he waits for Taka to finish his endless fucking shower. Part of him is getting concerned, wondering if Taka is alright in there, but he knows he can't fucking interrupt the kid now. Maybe he just needs some time away from Mondo. Mondo gets it. He'd like some time away from himself, too.

With a sigh, Mondo heads over to the couch and takes a seat, staring blankly at the title screen before him. After another minute, he presses play and lets the movie begin, watching sightlessly. He doesn't take in a single word, focused more on the sound of the shower that's still running, stomach churning worse with every second that passes. He does his best to appear causal, his arm draped casually over the back of the couch, like he usually sits, hoping that whenever Taka finally emerges from the shower, he doesn't notice anything wrong. Moving on is… is the best course of action. So… they've just gotta fucking move on.

Mondo doesn't know how much time passes as he waits for Taka to finish his shower, his mind drifting as reality slips away from him. Ten minutes, an hour, a second, a year … he honestly doesn't fucking know. He just knows that at a certain point, he hears the bathroom door creak silently open, his body tensing unconsciously as his heart begins to race. Shit… s-shit…

Mondo waits a breathless minute for Taka to move, for the kid to either come closer or flee the room or… something. But after the minute passes, Mondo realizes that Taka has no intention of moving, apparently, content to just fucking /stare/ at him. With his big, red, judging eyes, looking inside him, seeing everything he's ever tried to hide, even if the kid doesn't quite understand what he's seeing. F… fuck. Fuck.

Insides squirming, Mondo fights to keep composed as he faux-casually looks back at Taka, raising an eyebrow, hoping he looks even slightly normal and not like the jackass he's fearing he looks like.

"Hey, kyoudai. Gonna sit or what? Movie just started, ya didn't miss much."

There. That… that sounded normal. Yeah? Casual. Like nothing ever happened between them. Like things are normal and not strained. Like things might possibly be able to work out between them. That… that's good. That's /good/, it's good, it's how it has to be. Taka can't possibly want whatever the fuck Mondo has to offer, so it's best to just… pretend like nothing ever happened. Like they never jumped off that cliff together, like Mondo /doesn't/ know what Taka feels like pressed against him, aching and wanting and /needing/. Like they… like they never did shit together.

_Fuck, how Mondo hates it. Pretending that it never happened. Pretending that his stomach isn't full of goddamn, fucking /butterflies/. Pretending that he's not fucking /in love/. But it's for the best. It's for the best.

It's for the best._

After a moment of tense silence, Mondo watches as Taka stiffly marches over to the couch, eyes averted and a little hard. It breaks Mondo's heart to see it. It breaks his heart more when Taka stops half a meter away from him and takes a stiff seat at the other end of the couch, as far from him as physically possible. The couch isn't that big, maybe a meter and a half long, but the centimeters between them feel like a goddamn ocean. It makes his hands tingle unpleasantly, his chest tight and angry as he is faced with the reality that shit isn't okay and that it may never, ever be okay again. Taka hasn't sat so far from him since the goddamn beginning. Literally the very first day they watched movies together, Mondo had started pressing tight against the kid, watching breathlessly as Luke Skywalker killed a fucking wampa. It had become so common between them that they barely even have to think about it anymore. To have Taka so distant now, after telling him that nothing has to change… it hurts. God, /god/, it hurts.

As such, Mondo can't help but comment on it. He knows he prolly shouldn't, knows that if Taka wants distance, he should be allowed to have it, but… Christ. Mondo just wants to hear him fucking /say it/, okay? If he doesn't want it. If he doesn't think they can be close. Taka never tells him fucking /shit/ and it's so goddamn confusing trying to figure out what he does and doesn't want. He just… he wants to know. He just wants to know.

"Shit, Taka. The fuck ya doin' all the way over there fer? C'mon, man. Don't be an idiot."

That wasn't exactly what Mondo had been going for, but maybe it's better this way. Taka always has preferred explicit instruction. Maybe if he knows that… that Mondo is okay with it, that he still wants it, then maybe… maybe… he doesn't know. He's looking over at Taka, not quite able to look directly at him, but… but close enough.

He can see that the kid is staring wide eyed at him, not saying or doing shit, and after a few moments… after a few moments, Mondo sighs, and looks the kid dead in the eyes. He ignores the churning in his gut and focuses on Taka, only Taka.

"C'mon. Just... get over here, okay?" Mondo mutters softly, pleading, wanting the kid to know how much he wants things to go back to normal. He… he just wants normal. Please. Please.

Please.

Holding his arm up, Mondo shifts to make it easier for Taka to slot against him if he wants, and he tries to prepare himself emotionally for if the kid still doesn't want it. If Taka decides he doesn't want to be close anymore, that he can't fucking be close, then… shit. Mondo will accept it, has to accept it, but god will he hate it. He hadn't even realized quite how much he's come to rely on Taka's closeness, how vital it is to him, until this moment when he is staring down at a potential future without it, without his kyoudai against him, warm and pliant and /there/, there, always there, and he- he doesn't know what he'll do if Taka rejects him now, doesn't know how he's supposed to keep going like he's okay when he /won't/ be okay, when it will feel like his heart has been torn from his chest, when-

Mondo is torn from his thoughts when he feels Taka slot against his side, his arm wrapping around the kid without a single thought. And it… god, /god/ is it good. Having Taka against him again, loose and easy, like he hadn't nearly ruined everything not even an hour before, like he hadn't nearly lost everything he's spent weeks trying to hold onto. Like… like maybe they can actually return to normal, like what happened between them won't ruin them.

_Something about the thought that absolutely nothing will change doesn't sit quite right with him, his insides squirming, but it doesn't matter. This is the best-case scenario. It is.

It is._

Mondo and Taka stay like that for the rest of the afternoon, watching movie after mindless movie, moving only to get lunch around noon and to go take a piss when needed. Otherwise, they stay pressed together on this fucking couch, Taka working on his homework on the coffee table while Fast and Furious plays in the background. Mondo spends more time watching Taka than watching the movie, borderline obsessed with the way Taka's eyebrows furrow when he's thinking, his tongue sometimes poking out when he's thinking intensely. It's so fucking distracting, god. He does his best to try and focus on the movie, making comments here and there, but it's definitely half hearted at best. It's always hard for him to focus on shit other than Taka, but it's definitely a million times harder today than it's ever been before. Mondo carefully doesn't think about why that is. He fucking can't.

The day goes smoothly, and before long it's time for bed, the kid standing awkwardly in the middle of the room while Mondo does his best to continue pretending shit is fine. It makes him anxious to see Taka so anxious, and he hates being anxious. It's the fucking worst. With a mental sigh (it's not as satisfying as a real one, but if he actually sighed Taka might clue into the fact that he's lying through his goddamn teeth about shit being normal), Mondo leans down to pick up some of the rubbish that fell on the ground earlier, mentally formulating how to get Taka to return to their usual routine. Usually, he'd just plow ahead without any thought whatsoever, but… well. It may be good to have some semblance of a plan with this. Maybe.

"Yo, Taka. Ya wanna go first, or should I? I know ya took a shower earlier, but, uh... s'up ta ya," Mondo eventually calls out, his voice as steady as fucking possible. Part of him desperately wants to look at Taka, to stare and stare and stare and /stare/, but… shit. Prolly a bad idea. The kid's self-conscious enough. Wouldn't do to make him more fucking anxious…

"U-um... you can go. I don't need a shower tonight..." Taka says haltingly, voice uncertain and somewhat small. Mondo hates it, and he finally gives into his desire to look at Taka, his stomach churning at the painfully hesitant look he sees upon his kyoudai's face. The kid looks half a second away from bolting, which Mondo hates so fucking much. God. It really is gonna take a lotta effort to mend this shit, ain't it… shit. Good thing Taka's worth it. So fucking worth it…

Looking away, unable to handle any of it, Mondo nods, doing all he can to think of a way to get that look off Taka's face.

"Uh... yeah, okay. I'll be right back. Uh... make yerself comfortable, 'kay? I'll... I'll be right back. Promise."

The words are pointed, a promise deeper than just words. Mondo punctuates it with a single glance, hoping that Taka understands what he means. That he… he wants the kid to be there when he comes back. That he's praying with everything he has in him that when he returns from his desperately needed shower, Taka is there. He… he fears that he won't be. That he'll slip out when Mondo's not looking and never fucking return. And if that's what Taka wants, then he won't stop him, but… god. God, please don't let that happen. Please. Just… please.

Mondo takes as quick a shower as he can, doing his hair and face routine almost militantly. Part of him wants to say 'fuck it,' but he knows that if he fucks up any step of his routine he has the chance of ruining his look for a good while, and he respects his image (and Daiya's memory) enough to not do that. His arousal tries to get his attention as the warm water pounds against him, but he resolutely shoves that down and ignores the heat filling him from the inside out.

All in all, the shower itself only takes him about seven minutes, and he then moves into the rest of his bathroom routine. Brush teeth, untangle hair, get dressed, stare into the mirror for a full minute, breath hitched and body trembling as he remembers what happened earlier and has to fight the wave of pure heat that attacks him… you know. Usual shit.

Fifteen minutes after he entered, Mondo returns to the bedroom, letting go of the breath he'd been unconsciously holding when he sees Taka still in the room, sitting stiffly on the couch. The kid looks a bit uncomfortable, but at least he's /here/. They… they can work on him being uncomfortable in time, but they fucking can't if he ain't there.

Taka gives him the most strained, awkward smile, but that shit is to be expected. Mondo smiles back, also a bit strained, before heading over to the bed, heart pounding a little at the knowledge that he and Taka are gonna be sleeping next to one another again. This last week they've been sleeping face to face, arms wrapped right around the other, legs tangled together. Are they… are they gonna do that tonight, too? God… god, Mondo hopes so… it's quickly becoming his favorite part of the day, holding onto a sleeping Taka and watching his face as he sleeps. And yeah, yeah, he's a fucking creeper, but… god, is it nice, seeing his kyoudai relaxed for once. Eyes tracing the calm, relaxed features. Taka hardly ever relaxes, so when he can see it, it's honestly captivating. He knows that maybe they won't, but… shit. Shit. Whatever.

"Turn off the lamp 'fore ya come ta bed, yeah?" Mondo grunts after a minute, noticing that Taka's still lingering around the couch. He stretches to try and make it seem more casual. Another moment passes, Taka staring at him with wide ass eyes, moving to turn off the lamp only when Mondo raises an eyebrow in his direction. Jesus Christ…

Taka finally comes to bed then, body shaking a little as he sits down at the plush mattress anxiously. The kid hesitates for a second, before settling in and… and facing away from Mondo. It makes Mondo's heart ache pathetically, but he pushes that down as he gingerly shuffles forward on the bed and wraps an arm around Taka, like he did before they started sleeping facing one another. He doesn't know if Taka will want that, but he's gotta fucking try. And— save for a brief jolt when Mondo touches him the first time— Taka shows no sign of not wanting his touch, so… yeah.

"G'night, Kiyo," Mondo mutters into Taka's ear, heat filling him when he feels the kid shudder in his arms, like he always does when Mondo does this shit. It's worse today, though, since it reminds Mondo so much of earlier, when he had Taka in his arms, holding him tight, hand firm around his— ah. Shit. Never fucking mind…

"G-good night... k-kyoudai..." Taka shakily replies, before falling silent.

The silence lasts them for several long, agonizing minutes, in which Mondo waits for the kid to drift off like he usually does. But no matter how much time passes, Taka doesn't relax like he usually does in sleep, his breathing more purposeful and heavier. It makes Mondo feel bad, knowing that Taka doesn't usually have problems with sleep, knowing exactly /why/ the kid is having trouble today. And he… he begins to wonder if… if…

If maybe… just /maybe/… they should talk about this. Don't get him wrong, he desperately doesn't want to. He doesn't want to poke the bee's nest, provoke the proverbial bear. Some shit is best left alone and never touched for fear of what would happen if you should. He wants to keep going as they've always done, to try and forget this ever happened and keep Taka for as long as he's physically able. He just… he doesn't want to lose him. He… he truly fucking doesn't…

However…

However, maybe… maybe the kid needs to talk about it. To… t-to yell at Mondo, to tell him to his face that he didn't want it, never wanted it. Never wanted /Mondo/. Maybe the kid will feel better if he gets to get that off his chest, if he gets a promise from Mondo that he'll never, ever do that shit to him again, not if he doesn't fucking want it. And if that's the case… then he'll grit his teeth and fucking talk about this shit. If it makes Taka feel better… god. He'd do just about anything. Even if it makes his stomach squirm so fucking much…

"Taka? Ya... ya still up?"

Heart pounding stupidly, Mondo silently hopes that Taka is actually asleep, that they won't have to do this after all, when-

"Y-yes…"

Mondo's throat goes thick with the wavering word, mind blanking as he realizes he has no fucking idea on how to start this conversation. He prolly shoulda figured that shit out before bringing this up, but you know him. Dumbass through and through… after several pregnant moments of silence, Mondo just fucking goes for it, knowing he shouldn't, but having no fucking choice. Fuck.

"Are ya... shit. Are ya doin' okay? I know... I- I know, earlier, ya... a-are ya okay?"

Taka lets out a slow breath, saying nothing as he silently thinks. Mondo's stomach twists into even more knots as he waits, everything so fucked up inside. And then…

"I- I... why do you ask?"

It doesn't escape Mondo's notice that the kid carefully didn't answer the question. Which, in a way… kinda answers the fucking question. With a sigh, Mondo pressed his hand tighter to Taka's stomach, feeling as the muscles under his palm flutter helplessly. It strangely helps ground him and allows him to release the fucking bullshit he can't hold back. Christ.

"Just... concerned 'bout ya. I don't... shit, man. I don't want ya ta be upset. An' I know... I know I was a jackass, an' I don't... I don't want ya ta be upset, 'specially not 'cuz a' me. I don't... shit, Taka, I can't... b-but if ya need ta talk, or whatever... I can listen. Can't promise I'll be much help, but I... I don't want ya ta be upset or angry, or... or in pain or whatever. I know I'm shit at things like this, but I'm tryin', kyoudai, I- I promise that I'm tryin'. Fer... fer ya, I promise I'll try..."

Mondo feels so goddamn pathetic as he quietly says the words, heart aching like the little bitch he is. He waits with bated breath as Taka thinks shit through, the kid's breath shaky and his body trembling slightly. Mondo doesn't move a goddamn muscle as he waits for Taka to think through the words that he needs to take Mondo to task. He waits, more patient than he's ever been before, for Taka to think.

And then…

Taka is holding his hand. Fingers intertwined, holding tight and fast, Taka holds his fucking hand, and he squeezes, and Mondo, he… he… he squeezes back, heart in his throat, wondering what this means, wondering why Taka isn't yelling at him, wondering what the fuck is going on. And then Taka is speaking, and Mondo just… fuck. Fuck.

"You have nothing to worry about, kyoudai. What happened... it was... a lot. And it may take me some time to process it all. But I am not upset with you. You... you are /perfect/, and I am not upset with you, not at all. Please... please believe me when I say that."

The words are soft. Barely a whisper. But Mondo hears him. He always… always hears him. And he doesn't know if he /should/ believe him, knows that he's not perfect, not even close, but… but if Taka wants to move the fuck on, wants to ignore this shit and pretend it never happened then… then…

Shit. Who is Mondo to tell him otherwise?

"... okay, Taka. If yer sure. Just... I know I ain't the best at talkin' 'bout feelin's an' shit... but if ya need me ta... I'll try. Promise."

It's then that the exhaustion hits Mondo, the adrenaline of the day finally running its course and leaving him drained afterwards. He lets his body settle against Taka's, holding the kid as close as he dares, face pressed into his kyoudai's neck. All of his senses are surrounded by Taka, exactly as he wants them to be.

As he starts to drift off, Mondo can't stop the desire that floods through him, mind sleepily thinking of what he and Taka did earlier, unbidden fantasies of other ways they could do that shit assaulting his mind. He's too tired to push that shit away, too tired to even reprimand himself for it, and so he just… lets it happen. Lets himself daydream as actual sleep begins to overtake him, knowing he'll feel ashamed later, but unable to stop it now.

He knows that Taka will never want to do this shit again, never want him to touch him like that ever, /ever/ again, but… as he drifts off, too tired to push the thoughts away…

He can't help but think about how much he wishes they could. You know. Do it again.

God fucking dammit…

TW: There is talk about rape in this chapter. Nothing happens between characters, or happened to any character at any point, but the thought of it is mentioned. There is also some question about whether or not there is dubious consent, though that is not the case at all, as all parties involved consent verbally.

Hey all!

So! This chapter! It's, uh… a lot, ha. This is the chapter this story officially becomes explicit, so be warned there. Like in TPWP I mark off the sections (using tildes [~] this time, one for starting each of the sexual parts, two [~~] for ending the first time, and three [~~~] for ending for the chapter), but I highly recommend reading the scenes. I mentioned this in TPWP and in my notes and posts to Tumblr, but I have found that I don't really like writing sexual scenes that much, and in TPWM I made the sexual scenes less about being, you know… sexual, and more about self-realization. So, if you skip the scenes, you are skipping a lot of information.

Also, sorry for the confusing trigger warning, but I wasn't sure how to word it without spoiling things. Those who have read TPWP might understand a little what I mean by it, but if you're concerned that you may be uncomfortable with anything in this chapter, please message me and I will let you know what I mean fully. I would like to assure everyone reading that there is absolutely no dubious consent going on here, though, okay? Everything that happens in this chapter is wanted by both parties, Mondo's brain just hates him.

Finally, I'm going to be late posting the next chapter, since I'm going to be out of town next Sunday and will be getting back on the Sunday after, so I won't have any time to edit the next chapter. I'll try to post something in the week of the 26th-30th, but I have no guarantees. Sorry!

(Oh, I almost forgot, but the title of this chapter comes from the song I'm Not an Angel, by Halestorm. It… doesn't have a ton to do with this chapter lyrically, but the vibe, my dudes. The vibe.)

I hope this chapter made sense, oof. This was a hard chapter to write. Mondo is an absolute mess, and he never fully thinks about what he's feeling, so it was just a struggle to figure out how to explain the problem Mondo is having with what he and Taka did. Because it wasn't just the fact that he's not gay like he said aloud. It was more… a lot of things. Him realizing painfully that he loves Taka at the worst possible moment. Him realizing that this would make him bi, something he's convinced himself is the worst crime he could ever commit. Him thinking that he hurt Taka, since that makes more sense to his confused mind than the idea that Taka would actually want him back. Him fearing being in love with Taka since he can't believe that Taka can ever love him in return, not really, and he really does not want to love another person who can't ever love him… take your pick. It was a lot of different confused feelings and I have no idea if any of them got through or not. And yes, Mondo does realize his love for Taka now, but he is still denying it, since he feels like he must. This takes a few chapters to be resolved, but it does get resolved soon enough, no worries.