Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Warriors characters. If I did, most of the deaths wouldn't have happened.
I am so sorry that this update took so long! I've been pretty busy with school and stuff, and I could only write a paragraph or two of this a day. It's not the best because it was kind of rushed (it was as rushed as possible, at least) and like I said, the paragraphs were all written at different times. Anyway, I hope you like it!
The song is "My Immortal" by Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here/suppressed by all my childish fears/And if you have to leave/I wish that you would just leave/cause your presence still lingers here/and it won't leave me alone
It was night time, and as usual, the forest was alive with the usual sounds of nightlife; crickets, the scuffling of small creatures, and the rushing water. But to the dark-pelted tom sitting near the water, it seemed silent. The way he saw it, he was not only alone in reality, but in every sense of the word. Feathertail had left him. The light silvery-gray she-cat who had somehow managed to make him fall in love. Something that he thought for so long to be impossible.
He had been sitting out here, keeping great distance between himself and the rest of the cats – both from the clans and the tribe – since very shortly after Feathertail's death. Although in truth, it hadn't been more than an hour or so, it seemed to Crowpaw that he had been out here forever.
He was tired of sitting out here, everything reminding him of what he had just lost – his entire life. He didn't think that the Tribe cats or even the cats that were journeying with him knew how much Feathertail had truly meant to him. He would've done anything for her - anything! Starclan knew perfectly well that he would've done anything for her, and yet she was the one dead while he lived with the guilt. Brambleclaw and Squirrelpaw had insisted that it hadn't been his fault, but he wouldn't hear it.
He had protected Feathertail as best as he could; perhaps even a little too much sometimes. And the one time that she really could've used his protection, he hadn't given it to her. He had let her die! How could Brambleclaw and Squirrelpaw not blame him? Even Stormfur, Feathertail's kin, didn't believe that he could've prevented Feathertail's death. So why did he still feel as though it was all his fault?
In a way, the light-furred warrior had protected Crowpaw as well. Without her by his side now, he felt as though all his fears were exposed to the entire forest and somehow still smothering him. From his darkest fears to his most kit-like ones, Feathertail had left him to face all of them alone.
Gazing up at the star-dotted night sky, he wondered if Feathertail was really still with him, even though she hunted with Starclan. She did hunt with Starclan, didn't she? Even though she had died saving the Tribe of Rushing Water, she would rest with her own warrior ancestors, or so he wanted to believe.
Unlike most cats, he didn't exactly feel comforted thinking about having Feathertail's spirit with him. He had loved her and yet, he hadn't saved her. Having her with him, even if only spirit, was just another reminder of this. If she had to leave him, couldn't she just leave and let him try to get on with his life?
He glanced over his shoulder to where Stormfur sat, his head down and tail drooping. He guessed that, being her brother, he missed Feathertail just as much as he himself did. He should've been able to talk to Stormfur, but he didn't want to talk to anyone about the situation right now. The slight possibility that it would make him feel a bit better wasn't enough incentive.
Glancing to his left, he saw Squirrelpaw and Brambleclaw sitting close beside one another, heads bowed. He gave a silent growl of jealousy seeing them together. It wasn't fair that they still had each other when he felt as though his heart had been clawed at by the Sharptooth cat.
He wished they could start off on their journey to the Sun-drown-place again. He wanted to just take off running in the opposite direction and leave the Tribe of Rushing Water as far behind him as possible. Just being here, he could feel Feathertail and was reminded once again that he could've done something, anything, to prevent her death. But he hadn't. And the feeling of guild clung to him like a tick – and he didn't have any mousebile.
These wounds won't seem to heal/this pain is just too real/there's just too much that time cannot erase
He glanced down at himself, surveying the injuries he had received. Nothing much…just a few scratches, really, the worst of which was a gash on his shoulder. Of course, he had more than battle scars to remind him of what had happened that night. He knew it would be one that he would remember for the rest of his life, too.
Sure, his actual injuries hurt and he guessed he would be feeling them for at least the next few days, but they would heal up with time. He felt as though the pain this caused him emotionally would never heal. No amount of moons, however great, could erase what had happened.
His emotional pain seemed so much more…real than his physical wounds, although most would see it to be the exact opposite. Crowpaw sniffed indignantly, knowing that most cats would look at him and see only his visible scars and injuries and totally miss what was happening inside; something so much bigger. Not that it really mattered what the other cats would see. No amount of herbs could heal these wounds.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears /When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears/And I held your hand through all of these years/But you still have/All of me
Crowpaw hissed under his breath, rising to his paws and stalking farther away from the other mourning cats. He had tried so hard to protect Feathertail from everything, and when the real danger came, he hadn't done anything.
But…had he protected Feathertail too much?
Whenever she got worried or something made her sad, like the disappearance of Graystripe or worries she had about the clans back in the forest, he would find a way to cheer her up.
If they got into a battle with a rogue or something, he always tried to leap in front of her and fight the enemy for her, even though she had been a warrior while he was merely an apprentice.
He guessed she hadn't liked it that he had been so overprotective of her, especially seeing as she was much more experienced, not to mention a warrior. She certainly was able to take care of herself, and he was well aware of it. He had done his best to try and protect her from the forest; but in the end, none of it mattered.
He sighed slightly, shaking his head to try and clear his thoughts. However, just as he had expected, thousands of memories – each involving Feathertail – remained in his mind. Why was it that, although he had done so much and tried so hard to protect the beautiful she-cat, he felt as if his entire heart had been ripped out now that she was gone? Why did he have to feel so guilty about her death? He felt as though Feathertail had taken not just a piece of him, but all of him with her when she made the journey to Starclan.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light/Now I'm bound by the life you left behind. /Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams /Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me.
He sat down, gazing up at the velvety, dark blue sky endlessly dotted with stars; warrior ancestors. Although, was Starclan really with them here, when the Tribe of Endless Hunting was also said to occupy these skies? Could the two clans that resided in the sky share their territories, even if only for a short period of time? And if they couldn't - or even if they could, which one did Feathertail reside in now?
He sighed, dropping his gaze to the ground. He remembered how beautiful Feathertail had been when she had been with him on Earth. The way the sun reflected off of her silvery pelt on the days when she groomed it until it shone, silky and smooth.
On those days, he had hardly been able to take his eyes off of her. He had memorized the way she walked, was familiar with the sound of her pawsteps, her scent, every aspect of Feathertail. He was so strongly attracted to her, more so than he had ever been to another cat. What truly amazed him, though, was that she had returned his feelings.
Now that she was gone, he felt as though he had a duty to carry on with her wishes as she would've wanted them. But did that require carrying on her memory, filling her pawsteps, or living her life for her?
He closed his eyes, wishing he could just fall asleep for a few hours and escape this reality. Immediately, though, he knew he wouldn't be able to get any sleep. The very second he closed his eyes, if even for a split second, Feathertail was everywhere.
The strangest thing was, he truly did want to see her again. But knowing that speaking to her through dreams would be the only way just didn't seem fair. Seeing her in a dream just reiterated the fact that she was a Starclan cat now and nothing more. Dreams would be the only way that he could communicate with her anymore, and that was probably the saddest knowledge that could've been bestowed upon him.
He sank his claws in and out of the marshy earth, gritting his pearl-white teeth together. He wished this feeling would leave him alone! He desperately wanted to have some kind of connection with Feathertail, but every meaning of communication brought painful memories of her death. He shook his head, trying to clear it for the thousandth time that night; all of this was going to drive him insane!
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone/But though you're still with me/I've been alone all along
"She's gone, you stupid fur-ball." He muttered to himself. "She hunts with Starclan now." Although it seemed like he was really trying to convince himself that his words were true.
He sighed slightly, glancing over his shoulder at where the other cats sitting vigil were; Stormfur, in particular. The cat that looked so very similar to Feathertail was gazing up at the sky with fascination, a faint smile on his maw. It was obvious that Feathertail's kin still felt a strong connection to her, despite her death. And it was quite obvious that he was happy about this.
So why wasn't he himself happy about the fact that the cat he loved hadn't been fully taken out of his life? Since there was nothing he could do to bring her back, he should just accept the ability to speak to her through dreams and such. Why was it that he so desperatley wanted her out of his life now that she hunted with Starclan?
This thought brought on a very strong emotion that he was already feeling too much of; guilt. How could he be so selfish as to try and push her out of his life just because she was a Starclan cat? He should willingly accept the fact that he was still able to communicate with her and know that she would always walk with him.
She was still with him, as she always would be, and nothing could ever change that.
Even the knowledge that the kind, gentle she-cat would walk with him always, and in a way, be a part of him, couldn't change the fact that he would never be able to feel her pelt brush against his again. Never be able to share tongues with her again, or sleep curled up beside her.
Although she would always be with him in spirit, which he had come to decide was a good thing after all, her physical body, which had been scarred horribly in the battle with the Sharptooth cat, was dead. In going to Starclan, her spirit had been freed, able to go on forever. But no amount of wishing could heal the wounds adorning her body that would be buried at sunrise.
When it came to this aspect, he was alone.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears /When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears/And I held your hand through all of these years/But you still have All of me
In a way, Feathertail had protected him as well. She had helped him up when he had fallen; fought fiercely at his side when he needed help; guided him when he needed it the most.
They had helped each other every day on their journey.
"Crowpaw…"
He jumped, surprised at the interruption of his thoughts. He glanced over his shoulder, but saw the rest of the forest cats sitting still, just as they had been earlier.
"Crowpaw, it's me."
The soft voice drifted to his ears again, and a smile spread slowly across his maw. "Feathertail!" he exclaimed, on his paws again, looking around. He breathed in her sweet scent, and although he wasn't able to see her, he was well aware that she was there.
"Just remember, Crowpaw. You won't always be able to see me, but I will always be with you. I know you're sad about my death, but please don't mourn for me." She pleaded. "You can't be sad for me. You know that this was my destiny; no cat could've prevented what happened tonight. Do not feel guilty, Crowpaw."
He nodded slightly. "I know Feathertail, and I'll do my best."
"You must promise me something, Crowpaw."
"Yes, what is it, Feathertail? Anything you want." He replied, nodding slightly along with his words.
"You mustn't live your life feeling as though you could've prevented this. Follow your heart, Crowpaw. And just remember…Even when you can't see me, or hear me, I will always be right beside you. Always…" her voice faded away until it blended and became part of the night, leaving Crowpaw alone.
No he thought to himself, feeling his words strengthened by Feathertail. I'm not alone.
Well, there you have it! I hope you liked it
I'm looking forward to continuing this series, so I'd appreciate suggestions on songs and characters for the next one.
