19 The Problem with Mondo
Mondo sits beside Taka in front of the television, like they always do, pressed so tightly together there's no space left between. He can feel Taka's waist under his hand as the hall monitor curls into his side, the kid's legs curled up underneath his body, casual in a way he knows Taka once rarely was and yet now often is. Mondo, himself, is doing all he can to feign casualness as well, even though he sure as shit doesn't feel casual. Not at all. Not a little. Not when he fucking /knows/ what he's about to do.
Taka knows it too. Mondo knows that. He can feel the tension in the lithe body beside him, can hear the way the boy's breath shudders as he exhales. It exhilarates Mondo as much as it terrifies him, his own body tight and tense as he tries to build up the courage to do what he knows they both desperately want, desperately /need/, even if Mondo cannot name it without wanting to set himself on fire.
Finally, after building up the courage for long enough… Mondo begins to move.
Hand trailing from Taka's waist, Mondo forces his heart to stop racing so much; forces his /dick/ to calm the fuck down. He listens as Taka's breath hitches, listens to his shuddery gasps, and he does all he can to not let it affect him too much. His hand continues its trek down Taka's body, leisurely and on fire, stopping only once he reaches the kid's outer thigh. He lets his thumb rub circles on the warm cloth below him, wider and wider as he goes, hinting at the sensitive inner thigh he knows is close. And… a-and then…
"Hey. Kiyo. Wanna... want some help relievin' some tension?"
His lips are pressed tight to Taka's ear, his own breath hitched and uneven, anticipation mounting within him. He knows it shouldn't be, knows he has to be in control if he wants any hope of doing this shit without falling into depravity, but /god/ is it hard. Feeling Taka against him, shuddering and shaking and /aching/, the planes of his body firm against Mondo's body, he… words cannot describe what it feels like. What it fucking /does to him/. What it… it makes him /want/…
He shouldn't be doing this. He knows that, okay? Knows that this is dangerous, knows that he's risking fucking /everything/ right now. Knows that it's so easy for him to slip, for him to /fall/, for him to shatter on the ground, taking Taka with him. He… he knows. Okay? He /knows/.
But god… god, he can't fucking /stop/.
He feels Taka nod frantically against him, body shifting on instinct, barely a second after the words are out of his mouth, and he stuffs down the rush of /terror/ as he chuckles. He moves his body in tandem with Taka's, hands holding the thin hips before him firmly, shifting them gently. He places the kid in the V of his legs, Taka's fucking ass pressing tightly to his dick, and it's fucking /torture/ to feel it. He's hard despite his best efforts and he can feel his head start to go a bit funny. Taka is still pretending to watch the movie, pretending that his body isn't alive with sensation as Mondo's hand maps out the body before him, wishing all these fucking layers weren't in the way, wishing… w-wishing…
Mondo feels his hands stop at Taka's waist again, the kid trembling below him in a way he can only hope is out of pleasure, not fear. Before Mondo can chicken out, he undoes Taka's fly and deftly slips one hand under the waistband, cupping the warm hardness firmly from outside a thin pair of briefs. His mind just about whites out when he hears Taka moan, feels him buck against his hand, and /god/ does he want this. Want Taka, hard and aching and /pleading/ against him. Desperate, so fucking desperate, needing Mondo just as much as Mondo needs him. And he does. Need him. If there's one thing the last week and a half has taught him, it's that he fucking /needs/ this kid. Needs him so, so much… so very, /fucking/ much…
"Ya want this, kyoudai?" Mondo breathes, lips pressed tight to Taka's ear again, voice no louder than a whisper. It feels wrong to be louder now, to pervert this space any more than Mondo already is. The movie plays on in the background, some random ass bullshit Mondo has never cared less about, and he feels as Taka shudders desperately against him.
"/Yes/," Taka breathes, shaky and desperate, "please, Mondo..."
Mondo doesn't know why he's doing this. Doesn't know why he's made this into a habit, a /pattern/, something they both crave even if Mondo /can't/. He hadn't wanted to ever do this shit again, hadn't ever wanted to put Taka into this position again. Hadn't… hadn't wanted to remember what Taka feels like, desperate and needy and on fire against him. He… he hadn't…
But he'd not been able to stop thinking about it. Constantly. Incessantly. It consumed his every last thought, his mind reminding him what it felt like every time he looked at Taka, every time he looked into those wide, brilliant eyes, his heart clenching like a fucking bitch. He couldn't deny how much he thought of it, of Taka against him, needing him so desperately. Couldn't deny how much he /wanted that/, wanted… w-wanted…
And then, at… at some point over those first few days, Mondo had begun to wonder if maybe… maybe his initial assessment that Taka didn't want it was… was wrong, wrong, maybe it was… was wrong…
Because sometimes… sometimes, Mondo would see Taka staring at him. Eyes wide, /hungry/, cheeks a brilliant pink but the kid wouldn't turn away. Not at first. Mondo took the kid to the exercise room a few times, not meaning anything by it at first, but he saw the way Taka would stare at him, at his bare chest, at his rippling muscles as he lifted weights, breath frozen and eyes wide, and he began to wonder if maybe… just maybe…
What sealed the deal was the goddamn /tension/ he could feel rising inside Taka again, building like a water tank. It was fine the first day, Taka not exactly loose, but not as horribly tense as he had been. But as the days passed, Mondo could feel the tension as it returned. Could feel the stiffness under his hands as he touched Taka, as he held him at night. Heard the way Taka would moan desperately in his sleep, calling his name like a prayer, like an /accusation/. Begging for him, begging for his touch, his /lips/, his tongue. His… h-his /cock/. He'd feel the kid press back against him as he slept, ass pressing firmly to his dick, begging for him to fucking /fuck him/. That, more than anything, made him wonder if Taka truly did want it. Want him, want what they did. Mondo still couldn't quite believe it, couldn't quite believe that Taka actually wanted it, wanted /him/, but… as the third day /after/ came to a close, Taka's back pressed against his front, the kid tense even as he slowly slipped into sleep, Mondo's mind racing, racing, /racing/-
He'd not been able to stop it. Stop himself. He'd been thinking about it nonstop, had been unintentionally making plans, running through ideas. If he… if he just did it to help Taka, if he gained fucking /nothing/ from it, if he… i-if he /jerked Taka off/, silent as a mouse, clinical and professional and- and… then maybe it would be okay. It wouldn't be for /him/, it would be for Taka. Only Taka, his precious as fuck kyoudai who means the absolute world to him. It would just be to help Taka out, to help him with the tension he still wasn't able to relieve on his own. He knew the kid couldn't do it on his own. He hadn't asked, but he /knew/. He… he always knew… he knows Taka so fucking well, of course he fucking knew…
Taka had been /lethargic/ that day. Eyes downcast, body slow. Taka always fucking moved, his body alive with passion and energy, but that day he'd been slower. Lesser. Mondo didn't know why, but he feared it was his fault, always, endlessly his fault. As they lied in bed that night, Taka facing away from Mondo, he couldn't stop worrying about the kid, about his tension, about his lethargy. He'd wanted to fix it, wanted to help Taka, wanted to do something to fucking /help Taka/. He… he had to help Taka, he had to… h-had to…
His hand had begun to move before he could tell it not to, making a slow journey across his kyoudai's sleep warm body. He could feel as Taka's breath hitched, body tensed, the kid obviously awake and aware of what Mondo'd been doing. It had terrified Mondo, made him want to stop, want to /flee/, but he'd started that shit and he couldn't fucking stop. Couldn't stop, couldn't ever stop. Leaders don't get scared; leaders don't back down. Big brothers don't back down. He… he had to be what Taka needed, even if it terrified him, even if it made his heart ache in his chest, desire mixed with /fear/. He just… he didn't have time for uncertainty or regret. He made his decision. He had to stick with it, unless Taka told him /no/.
It was when his hand was just above Taka's dick, hovering over the overly warm flesh, that Mondo asked his question, a question he knows is always, /always/ important, no matter how into it your partner might seem to be.
"Hey. Taka. Ya... ya've been pretty tense the last couple a' days. Ya want... f-fuck. Ya want me t-ta... ta help ya with that?"
That was it. Nothing more. No fervent pleading, or desperate apologies, begging for the forgiveness he'd never deserve. Just a softly spoken question, an offer he wanted so much more than he ever should. His stomach was in knots, his mind in twists, and he could only wait with bated breath for Taka's response. And then-
"Y-yes... I- I... I would."
~And that… had been that. Firmly not thinking about anything, Mondo let his hand descend the last remaining millimeters and cupped the warm hardness firmly. He heard Taka gasp, harsh and shaky, before he'd let out a soft, desperate moan. In response, Mondo had hummed softly, nuzzling the back of Taka's neck, so fucking scared but knowing he couldn't let it show. He… he couldn't.
"Tell me if ya wanna stop. Tell me an' I will, no questions asked. I promise, Kiyo. Promise."
Taka nodded at his whispered words, breath shuddering desperately. Part of Mondo had wanted to press the matter, get the kid to speak, to get full /consent/, but his brain hadn't been working, had been shorted out and stupid. And so, he'd let his hand do the talking, disgust at himself rising, but he couldn't stop. He just… /couldn't/.
Taka had been mostly hard when he first breached his briefs and /touched/ him, but he quickly hardened fully, his dick hot and heavy against Mondo's palm. Mondo had let his hand move automatically, practiced motions he knew better than anything, listening to the soft little moans the kid let out desperately. But it wasn't right, it wasn't /loud/ enough, wasn't like how Taka always fucking sounded, and he… he…
He couldn't stop how he spoke, voice low, a rumble, knowing he shouldn't, knowing he'd /promised/ himself he wouldn't, but unable to stop. Taka had been pressing incessantly against him, Mondo's dick /aching/ at the feeling, and he'd not been able to stop the words he let out. He… h-he…
"Don't... don't force it down. Let me hear ya. I- I wanna hear ya..."
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he heard the kid moan again, louder, /louder/, as loud as Mondo fucking needed him to be. He hadn't been able to stop his answering moan any more than he could stop the way he nosed at the kid's neck, wanting, wanting, /needing/, and when Taka moaned again, louder, needy, /fuck/, so needy, he… h-he…
"S-shit... shit..." Mondo had muttered, speeding up his motion, so painfully hard it was making his head hurt. He knew he shouldn't, knew he /couldn't/, knew it was just for Taka and /only fucking Taka/, but the more time that passed, the harder it was for him to deny his own desire. Taka's neck was so fucking close to his lips, taunting him, begging him to kiss it, lick it, bite it, /claim it, claim him/, and he… h-he…
He couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop it, was too fucking /weak and pathetic/ to stop it. He was kissing Taka's neck before he knew it, kissing and licking and /biting, biting, biting/. He could feel Taka hard against him, could hear his little moans, knew he was close, felt it building, felt the kid aching for it, but he was holding back, so fucking /afraid/, like Mondo was, like Mondo always, endlessly was, but he didn't have to be, he didn't, he didn't, this was for him, for /him/, only ever for /him/. And he… he couldn't stop the words, pathetic monster he was, he couldn't stop the goddamn words, breaking every rule he put into place because that's the kind of shithead he is. Making and breaking rules like glass. No wonder he could never be worthy of Taka.
"C'mon, Taka, that's it, c'mon man. I got ya, I fuckin' got ya, don't worry. Mm, yer doin' so fuckin' good, god, I know ya wanna. Let go fer me, baby, let go, I wanna see ya let go. I wanna hear ya scream as ya fuckin' cum all over yer briefs, ya hear me? I want ya ta cum, hard and messy, all over my hand. Fuckin' /coat/ me, Kiyo, fuck..."
If there was any consolation, at least the stupid fucking words worked, Taka /cumming/ a second later, screaming so goddamn loud it's good their rooms are soundproof or else they might have had some questions to answers come morning. But Mondo didn't mind. He was too busy trying to hold onto his own release, which was made so much harder when Taka pressed back against him, the pressure against his dick like fucking /torture/. But that… that was the one rule he couldn't fucking break, could /never break/. He couldn't fucking get pleasure from this deal of theirs. Couldn't get /shit/ from it, not… n-not if he wanted to say it was all for Taka. If he came, if he gained pleasure… then no matter what he tried to say, it was for him. But it wasn't. It wasn't and it isn't, and so he had to hold it in.
Which he did. He kept pumping Taka until the kid stopped twitching, relaxed against him, and then he… he kept going, kept doing it, like he'd do to himself sometimes, lazy and easy, part of him not wanting this to end because he knew the minute it ended, the /regret/ would come. It was already there, loud in his mind, but while he was touching Taka, holding him, he could ignore it. Pretend it wasn't that bad.
But then…
Mondo has no idea why he did it. He has no idea why he did any of it in the first place, but this least of all. He just… it was something he would do himself, sometimes. Not always, not every time, but… sometimes. He doesn't know why he does it himself, either, just that it had been an idea in his head for fucking ages until he finally fucking tried it, and then just… kept doing it, his stomach flaring with heat every fucking time.
Well… whatever the fucking reason, after he had pulled his hand away from Taka, he… he'd decided to lift his hand, almost like in a daze, breath shuddering and shaking, and… and let it hover in front of Taka's mouth, waiting for… something.
And then… to his everlasting surprise…
Taka fucking /licked his fingers fucking clean/.
Dear fucking god.
The memory still brings shameful heat to Mondo's stomach, his mind flooded with the feeling of that lithe, skillful tongue lapping at his fingers, wondering what it would feel like on a different appendage, one much lower and more sensitive and-
But he can't think that shit. This isn't for /him/, it's for /Taka/. If… if anyone were gonna- gonna do that shit to anyone, it- it would be… b-be him to Taka. Which- holy shit. Not thinking about that, dear fucking god.
As it stands, having Taka lick his fingers clean had been agony. He'd been unable to help his moan, almost losing it then and fucking there. He'd pressed tight against Taka, his lips fervent on the kid's neck, his dick /aching/ with arousal. He'd wanted so fucking bad to let go, to ignore his goddamn, /fucking/ rules and take pleasure from Taka and his body. /God/, how he wanted to press into Taka, plowing his dick into the ass before him, taking and taking and taking and taking and /taking and taking and taking-/
He didn't. For obvious reasons.
Instead, he just pulled back once the kid was done, wrapping his arm around his kyoudai once more. He couldn't do anything about his raging boner, but he made sure to stop moving against the kid, letting it wane on its own. He'd not been able to help pressing a light, barely there kiss to Taka's shoulder, though, needing to let some of the overwhelming emotion inside of him out. It was just… so fucking much.
~~"G'night, Taka. Get some sleep, alright? Ya need yer rest."
Silence descended around them after that, Taka not saying anything back, just settling down to sleep. It had caused some measure of anxiety to fill Mondo's heart, wondering if he'd messed up, if he'd hurt the kid, but then a moment later he'd felt Taka breathe evenly against his forearm and he- he figured that maybe the kid was just tired and fell immediately asleep. If he was upset, he wouldn't have fallen asleep so quickly… right?
God knows Mondo didn't…
He'd spent the entire night silently freaking out, feeling like he wanted to fucking /cry/, and he didn't even know why. Why this all made him feel so /wrong/ inside. Why he kept doing it despite that, kept /wanting it/ despite that. Why Taka allowed him to do it, if he truly did want it or if he was too fucking /afraid/ to tell Mondo /no/. He didn't sleep a goddamn wink the entire night, holding Taka tight, silently praying that he wasn't fucking everything up. That he was doing what Taka wanted. What Taka /needed/. That he… he wasn't hurting that poor boy more.
He woke the kid at his usual time, feeling exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally, but he did everything he could to not let it show. He smiled at the kid, wished him a good morning, and when he saw the goddamn, fucking /hickeys/ he left on Taka's neck, he'd ignored the flash of heat and asked how the kid slept instead. Taka had seemed confused, but he hadn't called Mondo out on his weird fucking behavior. He just smiled shakily back, saying he slept fine, and proceeded to watch Mondo intently as he got up to get changed. Eyes like lasers, like a physical touch, burning Mondo more than anything ever had.
Mondo did his best to ignore it all after that. To pretend nothing was wrong, that nothing was different, that he wasn't breaking apart at the seams. He went through their day, going to class, eating lunch, joking around with Leon, exercising with Chi, and… and he tried to ignore the fluttering in his gut whenever he saw Taka smile, whenever Taka looked his way, whenever Taka would laugh his enchanting fucking laugh. He ignored the fire simmering within him, did his best to pretend he was fine. That this was fine.
(And he did cave and ask Taka that night. That night, while in bed, he'd softly asked Taka if he was okay. If he wanted to talk, if there was anything that was bothering him. Part of him was hoping Taka would be the one to bring it up, to tell him if it was okay or not, if what they were doing was /okay/, but Taka… Taka said no. He said it was fine, /he/ was fine, and that they didn't have to talk. And how could Mondo press the issue when this all was for Taka? If the kid didn't want to talk, if he was fine without them talking, then… then they wouldn't fucking talk. Even if Mondo kind of wanted to, despite how terrified the thought of talking made him. Even if Mondo was confused and lost and had no idea what the fuck he was doing anymore and just needed some guidance, some help, someone to tell him that he /wasn't fucking this entire thing up, like he fucks everything up, because he's such a fucking fuck-up who can't ever do anything fucking right-/)
He kept on pretending, kept on moving, and then the day after, Taka tense again despite his best efforts… Mondo did it again. And then again. And then /again/, unable to stop himself, unable to keep his hands away. Every time made him feel dirtier, like the biggest bastard in the world, but Taka never told him /no/. He never indicated that he didn't want it, that he didn't want /Mondo/, and so Mondo kept going, as soon as he noticed Taka's tension, touching him and biting him and /marking him/, and… a-and…
Four times. In ten days, including that first time. Five including today. Each time slightly different, each one meaning more than the last. Each one causing the hole in Mondo's gut to grow wider and wider, his throat thick with the shame he can't force away. He shoves it down, does all he can to make sure Taka doesn't see it, doesn't think something is wrong, but during the moments when he's alone (which isn't often, often only happens when he's taking a goddamn, fucking shower, he's around the kid constantly, can't escape him) he can't force it away. The shame. The /dread/. The… everything. Everything. /Everything./
Chi has begun to notice something is wrong. Mondo tries his best to act normal, to pretend he's fine, but the dude is surprisingly perceptive when he wants to be. More perceptive than Taka, at least, who only notices shit half the time, and never the shit that really matters, to Mondo's private relief. But Chi… h-he noticed. He's noticed. And he… he…
"Are you okay, Mondo? Y-you seem… sad recently… d-do you wanna talk about it?"
He'd asked Mondo that the day before, following one of their late-night exercise sessions, and the question had nearly destroyed Mondo. His steps had faltered as he walked over to the changing room, everything in him swirling angrily as he turned to look at Chi, eyes wide despite himself.
"The fuck ya mean? I ain't fuckin' sad, the fuck makes ya think that?" Mondo deflected, grunting as he turned back around and grabbed a towel to wipe the sweat off his body, hoping Chi would let it drop. But, since he's never been lucky a day in his life, that didn't fucking happen…
"W-well, I just… I don't know. Y-you've just seemed… sad. L-like you keep staring at the wall, w-when you think no one is looking, and sometimes… w-well, sometimes I… I see you grimace. A-and your eyes look so… s-so sad. Is… is everything okay between you and… and Taka? I- I don't mean to pry, but if you need someone to talk to… I don't mind listening."
Mondo's breathing got heavy, then, his body shaking despite himself. He'd had to close his eyes and take a deep, even breath to shove down all the emotions that threatened to come up. He also had to shove down the ridiculous desire to actually accept Chi's offer and fucking /tell/ the dude the shit that's been slowly eating away at him the past week and a half. Even… even if he kind of wanted to tell the dude everything, to unburden his mind and maybe get some outside perspective to let him know if he is /fucking everything up/ or not, he… he couldn't fucking do that shit. He can't tell people what he and Taka are doing, fuck no! Not only would no one fucking understand that shit, not even Chi, he- he can't do that to Taka. Can't betray his precious as fuck trust, can't let people know what they do behind closed doors. It would mortify Taka to know that other people /know/, and Mondo can't do that. He just… he can't. Not when it would only benefit him.
He doesn't deserve to be unburdened. Especially not at the cost of Taka.
So, Mondo had just shrugged and pretended nothing was wrong, ignoring the sad look Chi gave him, like the dude knew he was lying.
"Dunno whatcha mean, man. Ain't nothin' wrong with me. An' Taka an' I are good. So just… fuckin' drop it."
He'd said the last words a little too forcefully, a little too desperately, but Chi didn't call him out on it. He just continued to look at him, looking all /sad/, before he turned away and nodded slowly, fiddling with the dress he was slowly putting on.
"O-okay, Mondo… i-if you say so…"
That had been that, and soon Mondo was back in his room, smiling softly at the sleeping form of Taka nestled on his bed. Mondo hated leaving Taka in the middle of the night, but it was one of the best times for him and Chi to exercise with no one around, so… so he had no choice about it. Sometimes he'd have them go earlier, would put up an out of order sign to try and make it a bit more private, but that shit would cut into his time with Taka, and he just… just… fuck, he doesn't know. He never fucking knows.
He doesn't know what he's doing. Doesn't know /why/ he's doing it. He's not even teaching Taka anything anymore, he's just… jerking him off, feeling him against him. Holding him, _/loving him/_, trying not to fuck everything up with him. He doesn't know what any of this means, and Taka doesn't want to talk about it, and Mondo can't talk about it with anyone else, can't break Taka's fucking trust, and he's just so… s-so…
Confused…
But he can't stop. He can't stop, can't /fucking/ stop. He's too weak to stop. Too /pathetic/ to stop. He… he can't…
Mondo shakes himself, forcing his maudlin fucking thoughts to /stop/, focusing back on Taka, the boy still nestled between his legs, dick under his palm. That shit… it doesn't fucking matter. Not now. Not when he's got Taka with him. He can worry about this shit later. Not… not /now/
~He forces out a chuckle, the sound turning more genuine as he presses his face into Taka's neck, kissing the flesh softly. While he knows he shouldn't do it, kissing Taka's neck gently is his favorite part of what they do together. It's not quite the same as- as kissi- shit, /nothing/, but it… it's something. Something to keep his mouth occupied with, something for him to focus on. He feels a bit bad that the kid has been forced to cover his neck up the past several days, a red scarf that compliments his eyes so fucking beautifully always around his neck, but it's not enough to make him stop. Besides, the kid seems to like it when he bites him, moaning softly every fucking time. He moans more when Mondo tightens his hold on his dick, the sound shooting straight to Mondo's groin.
"Mm. Yeah, just like that, Kiyo. Fuckin' fantastic..."
He feels Taka buck subtly against his hand, needy as always, and it makes him chuckle again, nuzzling his neck as he finally slips his hands into Taka's briefs. God, he's so fucking needy, impatient and desperate and wanting… /god/, does he love it…
"So impatient. Fuckin' created a monster, shit," he mutters against Taka's neck, the kid shuddering desperately at the sound. He doesn't give Taka time to reply back—knowing whatever he'd say would be too fucking adorable for him to handle— as he's squeezing the kid tight, the velvet heat burning him from the inside out. Taka moans again, louder and louder, hips bucking up into his grasp, impatient to the last. G-god… f-fuck… but he doesn't want to hurt the kid, knows that if he's moving around too much, he might hurt him. Shaking his head slightly against Taka's neck, he takes his other hand and gently hold Taka's hips down, needing him to be still.
"Yer so fuckin' loud, fuck, I love it, Kiyo... ya gotta stay still, though. Don't wanna hurt ya. If ya wanna stop, just let me know. Okay?"
Taka moans loudly again, nodding frantically against him, and he can't help how he chuckles, his heart aching still, but it doesn't matter when he has Taka like this in his arms. God he… he loves feeling the kid against him like this, loves… l-loves doing this shit with him, wishes… wishes that he could do this without the fucking shame that is constantly drowning him…
Mondo tries to keep going like he always does, pumping Taka up and down, but his chest is hurting in a way he doesn't know if he can ignore. His hand is slower than it normally is, pumping the kid leisurely, teasingly. Taka whines with the feeling, the sound driving Mondo out of his goddamn mind, and he can't help how he bites the kid, feeling him as he gasps, arching against him. The movie plays on in the background, but Mondo has never cared less about a stupid, goddamn, fucking movie.
Mondo keeps going, forcing himself onward, but after a minute he just… stops. He hears Taka whine against him, turning to face him, but Mondo doesn't continue. His insides are hurting, but that's not why he's stopped now. Well… not the only reason why. He just…
He wants to do more. With Taka. H-he can't do too much, knows this isn't for /him/, but he… this all started out as him teaching Taka shit… yeah? So maybe… maybe he should go back to that. To- t-to teaching. Teaching Taka new sensations, new ways to pleasure himself. And maybe the kid won't ever be able to do it to himself, maybe he's not capable of that, but at least Mondo can do it for him. Always. If he… h-he wants. If he wants.
"M-Mondo... are you... are you alright?" Taka pants, body shivering against him. This jolts Mondo from his fugue, looking at Taka with only slightly wide eyes. He tries to smile down at the kid, nodding slowly, not wanting to worry him or anything…
"Yeah... yeah, I'm good. I was just... ah. Thinkin'. I, uh... was wonderin' if ya wanted ta try somethin'. Y'ain't gotta, okay? Can just keep doin' this, shit, ain't no big deal. Just... somethin' I been thinkin' 'bout. Somethin' I think ya might like..."
His words are hesitant and faltering, his thumb twitching anxiously against Taka's dick, but he doesn't really notice it. He's too busy trying not to regret doing this, regret introducing yet another thing to their already confusing relationship. H-he… he wants to do more with Taka, wants to do /everything/ with Taka, but he also… also /doesn't/, doesn't want to do this, wants to know if this is /okay/, if they're both okay. He… he wants…
~~Before he can figure out what the fuck he wants, Taka is smiling, looking back at him and /nodding/, looking him in the eyes, so fucking beautiful it takes his goddamn breath away. What else is fucking new…
"Y-yes, M-Mondo. Whatever you want. I trust you."
The words twist his heart, and he does his best to smile down at Taka, hoping the pain that is attacking him isn't noticeable. To try and hide it better, he leans down and presses a gentle kiss to the kid's neck, soft and tender. His favorite kind of kiss, meant to show his endless affection, not fucking /desire/. Though god, does he feel both…
"Shit... yeah, okay. I, uh... I'm gonna need lube fer this one. I'll be right back, okay? Ya might wanna take off yer trousers. Might make things easier."
Taka blinks with confusion at his request, but he doesn't counter it. The kid just nods quickly, watching Mondo curiously as he removes his hand from the kid's pants and stands up, walking over to the desk he actually fucking uses now. Sometimes. He opens the drawer that he's been keeping his toys, condoms, and other sex shit in, cheeks only slightly red when he accidentally remembers the time Taka had first discovered his stash during one of his 'cleaning binges,' the kid's cheeks flaring bright red when he realized what he was looking at. It had mortified him at the time, angrily telling the kid to 'stay the fuck outta my stuff!', but now it makes a small pool of heat fill him, noticing in retrospect the way Taka had stared at him following his discovery, a subtle heat that has been growing and growing with each passing day.
Mondo shakes the memory away, though, and grabs the lube he keeps in the drawer. He forces his eyes away from the fucking /dildo/, knowing he won't ever fucking use that shit on Taka (though he shamefully has to admit he's used it on himself before. Multiple times. He tells himself it's not fucking gay, that sometimes guys just like a little ass play, but he- fuck. Whatever. What the fuck ever.)
He then turns back to face Taka again, blinking when he sees that the kid is now half naked, wearing only his fucking briefs and his thin undershirt, sitting on the couch with a fucking /towel/ underneath him, which is… prolly a good idea, shit. It's super fucking distracting to see Taka nearly undressed, so he quickly heads on over to the kid, not realizing he'd taken so fucking long getting his shit. Or maybe Taka's just that fucking fast. Who even knows.
Once he's at the couch, he settles behind Taka once more, the kid nestled in the V of his legs, warmer now that he's not buried in all his fucking layers. Mondo isn't entirely sure why he always goes behind Taka when they do this shit, just… it's easier. To pretend it's nothing special. To pretend he doesn't want this so fucking bad. At least when he's behind the kid, he doesn't have to worry about his judging eyes. Small fucking miracles.
"Heh... there we go. 'Kay, Taka... if, uh... if ya wanna stop, fer any reason, tell me, okay? Know I said that already, but I mean it. Don't wanna hurt ya. I want... I wanna make ya feel good. Not bad. Okay?"
And he means it. He… god, does he want to make this kid feel good. Taka deserves every good thing in the world. His heart clenches when he sees Taka look back at him, smiling gently while nodding. God… g-god…
"I promise I will. Now... please hurry up! We have plans at 4:00, remember?"
That makes Mondo laugh, the sound startled out of him, not expecting that shit from the kid. Though honestly, he should have. Taka is always so fucking anal about time, and of /course/ he'd be just as anal about making sure they're on time for Hina's ridiculous little cooking get together in the kitchen as he is about literally everything. Mondo's fairly certain that the absolute second Hina asked the class to meet her at 4:00 in the kitchen for a 'surprise activity,' the kid had mentally added it to his ever-expanding daily to-do list, every single point just as vitally important as the last no matter how seemingly inane the activity. God he's just so… fuck. Everything. Despite the uncomfortable fluttering in his chest, he does what the kid demands, popping open the cap of the lube and spreading it liberally over his fingers. The stark chill helps ground him a little, thankfully.
"Goddamn, so fuckin' impatient... I should fuckin' teach ya a lesson in waitin' one day, Kiyo. We got time. Sometimes it's good ta take things slow. Feels better in the end. Now, c'mon. Spread yer legs a little fer me, need some space..."
~Taka tilts his head slightly in confusion, but he says nothing as he spreads his legs obediently. Mondo doesn't let that distract him, though, and quickly slips his hand into Taka's briefs again, trailing the warm skin tenderly. He switches gears a little when he realizes the angle won't be right going the regular way, moving his hand to go around Taka's thigh, heart beating fast the closer he gets to his prize. And right when he has reached it, fingers pressing ever so gently against the puckered hole, he hears-
"Oh!"
Mondo feels Taka jolt against him as he touches the kid, his skin flaring red hot with what might be embarrassment, might be desire, Mondo can't tell. He just looks down at Taka, heart beating so fucking fast, not knowing if he should continue or not. While he knows he likes shit up his ass, he… he knows not everyone does. And while he's at least 90% positive by now that Taka is gay, he- he can't say for sure if he'd want this kinda shit. At least… not with Mondo…
But… but, he started this shit. Might as well at least ask the kid what he thinks about it…
"Woah, heh. Easy man. I got ya. Like I said, we ain't gotta try this. But, uh... fer what it's worth, I think yer gonna like it. I uh... heh. I know I do. Feels fuckin' amazin', bro. An' I wanna make ya feel good, Kiyo, fuck... I wanna make ya feel so fuckin' good. Ya deserve ta feel good."
Taka trembles against him, breath shaky as he stares blankly up at the ceiling, eyes shining with what Mondo thinks might be tears. Before he can pull back, never fucking wanting to be the cause of his kyoudai's tears, Taka… Taka nods, humming softly with approval.
"Y-yes, Mondo... I trust you. Please..."
Taka trails off then, looking slightly overwhelmed, and Mondo pushes down his uncertainty as he forces himself to go through with this. The absolute second that he thinks Taka isn't enjoying himself, however, he'll fucking stop. He promises himself that. Kissing Taka's shoulder lightly in comfort, he nods, fingers twitching slightly.
"Shit, okay, man. So, uh... ya gotta relax yer body. S'gonna hurt if yer tense an' shit. That's it, Kiyo. I got ya..."
Taka doesn't ask any questions as he does exactly as Mondo asked, melting fully against him, the tension in his body relaxing at last. Mondo lets the hand not down Taka's briefs rub soothing circles on his hip, wanting to make this easier for the kid. If he's never done this shit before… well. He wants to make him as comfortable as possible. He always does.
"'Kay, s'good, man. N-now, I'm gonna... fuck. I'm gonna press in, okay? This shit may hurt at first, but it should pass with time. If it hurts too much, let me know immediately. Shit shouldn't hurt that much. Mostly just discomfort if anythin'. Got it?" Mondo explains, knowing Taka likes to understand shit. Plus, if he /is/ trying to teach shit again…
Taka nods, biting his lip gently while Mondo lets his finger circle Taka's asshole, not quite pressing in yet, just letting the lube slick shit up. He's also doing his best to psych himself up to this, knowing he has to keep himself calm if he's gonna have any chance of doing this without losing his goddamn mind. It's hard, so fucking hard, but soon enough he feels ready to get this shit started.
Heart in his throat, Mondo gently presses his index finger into the velvet heat before him, and then-
"Ah!" Taka exclaims, eyes going wide as he arches his back, biting his lip firmly at what Mondo knows must be a foreign sensation. Mondo remembers how weird that shit felt the first time he did it, back when he was thirteen and screwing around, wanting to discover what it would feel like. He'd not liked it much at first, to be honest, not until he found that fucking /spot/. He has no idea what it is, never took sex ed and sure as shit never asked his bro about it, but all he knows is it feels fucking /fantastic/ when it's pressed against. So, all he's gotta do is find that spot in Taka, rub against it, and… and hopefully Taka will like it, too.
Delving deeper into the impossible heat, Mondo focuses on finding that spot, mind a bit too concentrated on his task to find much sexual about it. He can feel Taka squirming against him, the kid clearly not liking the feeling, and it's just when Mondo is about to give up, not wanting to make the kid uncomfortable, when-
Taka gasps, eyes going wide again as he arches his back, so much that he's not even touching Mondo anymore. It makes Mondo laugh with relief, lips finding Taka's neck instinctively, kissing firmly.
"Fuck, there we go. Feel good, Kiyo? Fuck man... just... /fuck/..."
Mondo's brain is mush as he feels his finger deep inside his kyoudai, his brain finally catching up to the shit he's doing and feeling so fucking overwhelmed by it. The heat, the pressure, the /tightness/… god, /god/ does it feel like fucking heaven, and it makes Mondo wonder what it would feel like if he pressed another appendage into this warm, wondrous heat, if he turned Taka over, took out his dick, and fucking-
"Mondo," Taka utters, a hint of warning clear in the tone. It makes Mondo laugh, pulling him back from the stupid as shit fantasy, knowing that shit isn't fucking possible. He nuzzles against Taka, heart doing gymnastics again.
"Shit, man. Be fuckin' patient, Jesus. Yer so needy, god... fuckin' love it... but don't worry, baby. I got ya, yeah? I know what ya'll like. I know ya trust me. So just... believe me. I want you... I- I want ya ta feel this shit. I want ya ta /experience/ it. Shit, man..."
Taka grumbles a little, though Mondo can tell he's giving a token protest at the most, since the kid doesn't pull away. Mondo watches, a little enthralled, as Taka bites his lip again, wondering what it would feel like if /he/ leaned forward and bit that goddamn, fucking lip.
But that shit is also impossible, so he quickly pushes it away as he goes back to the task at hand, moving his finger again to find that spot, needing to find it, and then-
"Ohhh," Taka moans, arching his back yet again, pressing his face further and further back until it… u-until it's buried in Mondo's neck, his uneven breathing causing goosebumps to shiver down his spine. F-fuck… fuck, it feels so good… he moves his head a little, gives Taka more room, his own breath trembling, and then Taka… Taka…
Taka fucking /kisses his neck/, right on his pulse, featherlight and absolutely /electrifying/. He can't stop how he whines, the sensation so fucking /good/, angling his neck further, silently begging for /more, more, more/. Which Taka does. Happily.
Now, Mondo hadn't quite known why Taka never minded him biting the shit out of his neck, thinking maybe he got some measure of pleasure out of it, or maybe he didn't mind it enough to complain, but not… not really getting it too much. Not understanding how it could feel that good, since he's never had anyone kiss his neck before. Not even the few 'girlfriends' he's had, barely getting past second base with any of them.
But now? Now, having Taka fucking /bite his neck gently, lovingly, a soft nibble more than a bite, but fuck does it feel so fucking good/, he… he understands. He /fully fucking understands/, and /god/ does he want Taka to do that again. And again. And again, and again, and /again/, harder and harder, /hurting him/, god, he… h-he wants to be /hurt/…
"Holy shit... holy fuckin' shit, Taka, goddamn," Mondo curses, breath ragged and shaking. Taka doesn't reply. He just bites again, sucking lightly this time, shorting Mondo's goddamn brain right the fuck out. He can't help but moan again, breathy and weak, but fuck him if he cares. "Fuck ya feel so good, yer so fuckin' good... fuckin' perfect, Kiyo, god fuckin' damn. The fuck did I do in life ta deserve someone as fuckin' incredible as you, s-shit... mmm..."
Mondo remembers then that his finger is still /up Taka's fucking asshole/, and he begins moving again, quicker this time, finding that goddamn spot so much easier now. After a moment, Mondo thinks Taka is ready for another finger, his middle finger slipping in easily enough. Taka rocks against him after another moment passes, moaning against his neck, the vibration fucking /incredible/. Mondo is quickly losing himself to the sensation, forgetting his rules, his dick so fucking hard as he finger fucks his best goddamn friend. His brother. His goddamn, fucking /brother/, but he is far too fucking gone to even feel a hint of shame at the thought.
"Fuck, baby, so fuckin' good, goddamnit, yer so good... I love it, fuckin'... want all a' ya, fuck, Kiyo... you've got no idea how much I want you..."
And he does. He does, he does, he /does/. He aches with his desire, the words soft and reverent, bleeding with his hunger for this goddamn kid. He wants him so much he aches with it, wants him so much he /burns/ with it, wants him every goddamn day for the rest of his goddamn life. He… h-he /loves Taka, god he loves him, he knows he does, knows he must, and god does it hurt, god does it kill him inside to feel it, it's so overwhelming, so overstimulating, he feels his fingers disappearing in and out of Taka's ass, another slipping in desperately, and he wants more, more, so much more. He wants all of Taka, everything the kid has to offer, wants to give all of himself to the kid, wants to own him, possess him, have him all to himself, wants… w-wants/-
"I'm yours, I'm yours, Mondo, I- I... I'm yours. I belong to you, I want no one else, I- I want... M-Mondo, I w-want..."
Mondo's brain stops short at the shaking, trembling words. All of him freezes as he listens to Taka whisper to him, lips still pressed to his neck, his heart breaking in his chest so suddenly it feels like a heart attack. Because… b-because…
N… no… n-no, that's not… t-that's not true. Not true, not true, not true /at all/, Taka… Taka isn't /his/. He… he doesn't… he doesn't /belong to him, god, he- he/… he doesn't have any claim to this beautiful, wondrous kid, the most perfect and amazing person he's ever met, he… he doesn't… he /can't/…
He can't forget himself. Can't forget who he is. /What/ he is. He… he can't…
He distantly hears as Taka whines, the sound muffled and wrong in his ears. He knows he should be moving, knows he's in the middle of something and he /can't fucking stop/, but he… h-he…
But then Taka is biting his neck, sharper than before, a warning, he knows it's a warning. Trembling but trying to hide it, Mondo slowly moves his fingers again, in and out, in and out, slow but meaningful, knowing he can't ever forget himself again. The kid… the kid is already showing signs of being too attached to him, he always was, but now… now… b-but this… this is only temporary. This was only ever supposed to be /temporary/, their friendship alone was never going to last. Taka is going to wise up one day, is going to leave him, and that's the cold hard truth they both will have to face. He doesn't want him to. Wants this to last fucking /forever/. But… it won't. It can't. And he… he knows that.
Heart aching horribly in his chest, Mondo begins to speak, not knowing what he wants to say, but… but needing to say /something/. He… he can't let the kid go on thinking this is a forever thing. It hurts too much to hear the kid makes declarations like that, to make /promises like that/, not when he /knows/ how their story ends. Mondo could never hold onto something as beautiful as this. He could never /dream/ of holding onto something as beautiful as this.
He'd just fuck it all up.
He always does.
Taka isn't /his/. And he… he never fucking will be.
"... no, ya don't. Don't belong ta me, shit, Kiyo... ya deserve so much more, so much more than a piece a' shit like me. Y-you... you deserve so much more. I'd just fuck everythin' up, I always do. I'm tryin' so hard ta not fuck this up too, I wanna make ya feel good, but I can't... shit, man. An' I'm not gay, I'm fuckin' /not/, so I can't... I can't be what ya'd need me ta be. An' I just... I'm sorry. I really... shit. I'm just... sorry."
The words break him in a way he never knew he could break, hating himself so goddamn much. It scares him, sometimes. How much he hates himself. How much he /despises/ himself. Sometimes he wishes he didn't, wishes he could stand being in his own skin, but how can he when he's so fucking terrible? How can he like himself at all when he only ever hurts people? He's hurting Taka right now, he knows he is, is making him feel shit for a monster like him. If he were a good person, a righteous person, he'd leave right now. He'd take his /goddamn fingers out of his kyoudai's goddamn ass/, and he'd leave the kid the fuck /alone/. He'd never have done this, have blurred the lines of their friendship, taken what he had no right to take. Taka trusted him and he is breaking that trust and he /doesn't fucking know why/. Why he's doing this, why he's doing any of this. He… he…
He goes faster. He doesn't leave, /can't leave/, so he goes faster. In and out, in and out, again and again and again, needing to get this over with. Needing to finish this already so he can put himself back together again. He's still hard, still /aching/, and he knows he shouldn't be, knows there's something fucking wrong with him, but he doesn't know how to make it stop. How to stop wanting Taka all the goddamn time. Even now he wants him, wants all of him, every last part, even though he /knows/ he doesn't deserve it. Taka is still biting him, his hands reaching back to hold him so desperately, and it makes Mondo want to fucking /cry/, but he doesn't, /can't/, so he keeps finger fucking Taka instead. It's all he can do. All he /fucking/ can do.
He slips in another finger, stretching the kid wider, listening to him as he cries out at the feeling. It's not enough, though, never enough, and so Mondo… M-Mondo takes his other hand, his off hand, and he's grabbing clumsily at Taka. At his fucking /dick/, pulling down the briefs, wide eyes watching the display perversely. He watches as he jerks Taka off, watches as his fingers fucking disappear in and out of Taka's ass, the most erotic fucking sight he's ever fucking seen, god, /god/. Taka is watching, Mondo can /feel/ Taka watching, and it's too much for him, his heart dying in his chest, and then- then Taka is /cumming, loud and hot and messy/, and Mondo doesn't know what the fuck to do anymore. He doesn't know what the fuck to do.
~~~Mondo doesn't move for several long moments, trembling with everything that just happened. He doesn't know what he is feeling inside, and he knows he has to push it all down before he fucks this all up, but it… it's hard, hard, so goddamn hard. Mondo eventually is able to remove his fingers from Taka's ass, the kid whining at the sensation, and Mondo can't help but lean forward to kiss his shoulder gently, tenderly. He's still holding his dick, the warmth and weight strangely comforting in his hand, but he knows he can't hold him forever. Though god… does he wish he could…
He can't, though. He never could. Taka… Taka doesn't belong to him. And this… this all shows why he can't. This… this isn't Taka. Needy, begging, full of lust. Taka isn't like that. Taka is /better/ than that. A little, yeah, that's fine. But this… Mondo brings out the worst in the kid. He makes him worse, makes him perverse. Mondo has no hope of ever reaching Taka's level, so the only way for them to coexist is for Mondo to bring Taka down to his. And it's not okay. It's not right. Mondo is the wrong one. The /depraved/ one. The monstrous one, who only knows violence and anger and rage. He and Taka could never hope to coexist peacefully together. Mondo'd just ruin him.
He already is.
"We should get up, Kiyo. Got that thing Hina has planned soon. I, uh... n-need ta clean myself up, s-so... uh... y-yeah..." Mondo mutters eons later, everything aching inside of him. He lets go of Taka's dick, trying his hardest to not throw up. His chest is tight, his heart in his throat, and he can only watch Taka as the kid slowly sits up, face completely blank. If it were possible, Mondo's heart would break more at the sight, but as it stands he's already hurting as much as is physically possible, so all he feels is numb. Taka says nothing to him as he stands up, bitter half smile on his lips, looking anywhere but at him.
Mondo watches dully as Taka lifts up his briefs, grimacing at the mess on his shirt, before… before taking the shirt off and balling it up instead of folding it, like… like Taka always fucking does. His vivid red eyes are dull and dead, downcast on the floor, and it somehow breaks Mondo further, the numbness spreading. He forces his eyes off Taka, can't stand to watch anymore, doing his best to even out his breathing. He can't let Taka know how much he's hurting right now. If Taka is upset with him, wants him /gone/, he can't make the kid feel bad for him. Taka is so fucking good he'd let himself burn to ash if it would make someone else feel warm. Mondo can't do that. Can't let Taka do that. Not for him. Never for him.
After a moment of this awkward, painfully charged silence, Mondo has enough and… and stands, shambling over to the bathroom door, still achingly hard despite the frigid ice surrounding his heart. Everything is wrong now, broken and shattered and ruined, and he doesn't know what to do. He… he wants to take a shower, wants to rinse this filth off of himself, wants to pretend this never, ever happened. To ignore it, like he ignores everything, and go back to being what Taka needs him to be. Strong. Self-assured. A leader, a /big brother/, not… not weak. Not broken. Not /this/.
However… as he is grabbing the handle for the bathroom, opening the door harshly, his stomach unclenching a smidge at the thought of being /alone/, of being able to put his pieces back together again, he… h-he hears Taka speak. He… he…
"Mondo," the kid calls, causing his back to stiffen up, his mind blank and full of something akin to /panic/. He… he wants to go into the shower already. He wants to shove everything away again, make his insides stop hurting so much. He wants to forget everything, wants to pretend everything is okay, wants to go back to a time when he and Taka were okay. He… he wants…
But he can't. Taka… Taka wants to talk. And what Taka wants, Taka gets. It doesn't matter what Mondo wants. He doesn't matter. He's /never/ mattered. His old man taught him that one, his ma continuing his lessons. Taka… Taka matters. He matters so, so much. And if he wants to talk… then, by god, Mondo is going to listen.
It takes Taka a second, the kid clearly collecting his thoughts, but Mondo doesn't hurry him. He just keeps his head tilted to the side, showing he's listening, showing he's ready. And then… before Mondo can prepare, Taka is talking. And the words he says…
"You... you do know there's nothing wrong with being gay... don't you?"
The breath shudders out of Mondo's lungs, his back stiffening so much it hurts. His hands shake, his breath trembles, and everything feels broken inside of him again. But he doesn't focus on that. He doesn't /care/ about that. All he can focus on is the words his kyoudai just said, so simply, so plainly, like that's what the problem is. Like the problem can be solved so simply. Like it… it…
It would be simple if Mondo /was/ just gay. It would be simple if Mondo was /allowed/ to be gay, had always been gay, had only ever liked dudes and dicks and ass. If he could look at guys without shame, if he could /love/ guys without shame. If he were allowed to be gay, then this all would be so very, fucking /simple/.
But that's not the problem here. That's not the problem /at all/. Because Mondo /isn't gay/. He isn't gay, he's not /allowed to be gay/, because he chose chicks a long fucking time ago. He made his decision when he was still a snot nosed little kid, knowing it's what Daiya would have wanted, knowing it's what would make Daiya /proud/. Daiya wasn't homophobic, he was never homophobic, but Mondo knew what was expected of him, and when he grew up and started noticing chicks, he thought it was easy. Liking chicks was fucking /easy/. They were nice. And sweet. And had lovely curves, curves fit for larger hands. Mondo didn't notice dudes. Not like that. Not at first.
It was only after he'd made his decision that he started to notice men. That his eyes started to linger. That his blood started to boil. He was thirteen when he really started to notice it, when it first became a problem. But Daiya told him he could only pick one, and he'd already made his choice, so he ignored everything else. He wasn't like their old man, so he couldn't like both, so it… it couldn't mean anything. What he felt for dudes. The way his stomach would hollow out when looking at some of his fellow gang members. The /yearning/ inside of him. It couldn't mean anything. It… it couldn't…
Being gay isn't bad. There's nothing /wrong/ with being gay.
But there is something wrong with liking both. Daiya always told him there was something wrong with liking both. And so, Mondo… Mondo can't fucking like both. He… he can't.
(_And even if he could… it would be pointless besides. Taka doesn't belong to him. And he… he never will_.)
Feeling more beaten down and broken than he ever has before, Mondo turns partially to face Taka, unable to meet his eye, and he… he speaks.
"Yeah. Yeah... I know."
And then he's gone, body moving forward mechanically, disappearing into the bathroom with a silent 'click' of the closing door.
Mondo stands there, staring blankly into the bathroom, for a full minute, mind empty and heart numb. His hard on is finally gone, which is something, he supposes.
After the minute passes, he manages to unglue his feet from the floor and stumbles over to the shower, body trembling uncontrollably. He thinks of nothing as he undresses and steps into the shower, turning it as hot as it can go, the water painful but he doesn't care. He… he wants it to hurt. Wants it to /ache/, needs to feel something that isn't internal for once. God, he… he wants so bad to get on his baby, to drive to some shitty dive bar out of the city, to get into an all out, no holds barred brawl. He wants so badly to be hurt in this moment, to distract him from the pain inside his chest. He wants to drink until oblivion, to fight until he passes out, to scream until this feeling is gone from his chest. He wants to let the monster inside of him out of its cage, to sic it on bastards who prolly deserve it, to let himself get torn apart in the process. He wants it, so fucking bad does he want it.
But he can't. Can't have it, can't do it, can't /fucking do it/.
Because Taka would hate him if he did. Because Taka would be /disappointed/ if he did. Because even if Taka hates him for this, for all the shit he's done, he still can't bear the thought of disappointing him more.
Taka is changing him. Mondo thinks that dully as he reaches up and carefully undoes his wet pomp, tugging a bit more than he prolly should, but he doesn't care. He doesn't really know who the fuck he is anymore, doesn't know what he even wants. He's different to the person he was when he came to Hope's Peak, and he doesn't know how to handle that.
The one thing he promised himself when he first came to this school is that he wouldn't let it change him. That he would remain exactly as he was, unapologetic as fuck. But now… now, here he is. Trembling in his own goddamn shower, unable to go out and beat the shit out of people like he usually would because it would disappoint his /kyoudai/. His soul brother. His soul brother who he finger fucked not even ten minutes before, who he hurt and keeps on hurting.
What does he want? What is his goal here? He says he wants to help Taka, and he knows he does, he /does/, so why does he keep hurting him? Why is he doing this, any of this? He knows Taka wants it, knows Taka /craves it/, but… but how is it helping? Is it helping? Is Mondo helping at all, or is he just… just making things worse?
He wishes he knew. He wishes he could tell. He wishes Taka would fucking /talk to him/, would tell him what /he/ wants, what /he/ desires. This guesswork is driving Mondo mad, everything complicated and confusing and… and… he doesn't even know. He doesn't know! Why… why can't Taka just fucking tell him what he fucking wants?! Why can't Taka just tell him what he fucking means?! Why… w-why…
Mondo looks at the ground as water starts trailing down his cheeks, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably, his breath shuddering in his chest. He tugs his hair harder, feels the water burn his skin, and it's not enough. It's never enough. He feels wrong in his skin, feels broken and disgusting, and he wonders what his brother would think if he could see him now. Wonders if he'd regret his decision, if he'd regret pushing him out of the way. Mondo does. Mondo always has, from the moment he looked down and saw his brother's broken and bloody body on the ground, knowing it was /his fault/, all his fault. He killed the one person he loved the most, made the man think he was worth the sacrifice. He wasn't. He wasn't, he wasn't, he never was. He never will be. Daiya is a million times the man he will ever hope to be, he's the one who should be alive right now. Not Mondo. Never Mondo.
Mondo's shoulders start shaking more, the water in his eyes blinding him, and he finds that it's so hard to breathe. It's like he's under water, like he's drowning. He wants to breathe, but he can't, his chest is so heavy, his lungs so full. Maybe he doesn't deserve to breathe. Maybe he's never deserved to breathe. Maybe his old man should have beaten the air out of his lungs for good a long, long time ago. Maybe back when he was still an infant, before Daiya ever met him and decided he loved him. Maybe that would have made things better. Maybe the world would have been better had he never been a part of it. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
He wishes he could be good enough. Deserving of the life he stole. Wishes he didn't hate himself so much, wishes he didn't deserve to be hated. He wishes he could help Taka instead of hurt him, wishes he could be what Taka needs. Wishes he could give Taka what he needs.
He can't. He can't. He never could. Even if he could like both, he'd only ever hurt Taka. It's what he does. He hurts. He hurts. He only ever /hurts/. He doesn't deserve Taka. He… he doesn't deserve Taka.
He needs to make Taka see that, and fast. He… he can't be the one to pull away. He can't be the one to say goodbye. That would hurt Taka since he— for some reason— thinks Mondo is deserving of his precious friendship. Of his trust. If Mondo were to say goodbye to Taka, to walk out of his life… it would hurt the kid, no matter the reason. And he's hurt the kid enough. He… he can't hurt him more. So, he's just... he's gotta get Taka to see how amazing he is so he can wise up and leave him already. He doesn't want that, never wants that, but what he wants doesn't matter. He wants Taka to be happy more. Taka can't be happy with Mondo. Mondo's too fucking broken to make anyone happy.
With that decided… Mondo focuses on cleansing his body. His heart still hurts, but he forces that down. He ignores the pain, ignores the fear, and he just cleans himself the best he can. He gets used to the heat of the water, his skin boiling hot but it's okay. He's used to the heat. It's okay. He… he's okay.
He'll be okay. Once Taka leaves him for good, once Taka is happy… then he'll be okay. He'll have to be okay.
He stays in the shower for far too long, knowing it's weak, but he can't force his legs to move. He stands, naked and shaking, and he waits for the pain to settle enough that it isn't noticeable anymore. He needs to make sure Taka doesn't see it. He can't hurt him more. He can't. He can't.
He finally manages to feel decent enough to exit the shower several minutes later, skin hurting when it meets the chill late November air. He ignores it and grabs his towel, roughly scrubbing off the water, eyes hard as stares at the ground. Once he's dry enough, he heads over to his clothes, shoving them back on without care. They're clean enough, nothing landed on them, so it's fucking fine. He doesn't even know why he took a shower in the first place, just that it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It doesn't take long to get dressed, his chest aching softly, and he freezes in the middle of the ridiculously large bathroom as he realizes that he has to enter the bedroom now. With Taka. With /Taka/, his kyoudai, his soul brother, who he does decidedly unbrotherly things with. Why should it matter if his chest aches at the thought of seeing Taka again, at the knowledge that he's gonna have to do everything in his fucking power to pretend he's fine, pretend he's not fucking dying inside? And he honestly doesn't know if he's being melodramatic about that or not, not like it fucking matters. He has to see him eventually. He can't spend the rest of his goddamn life in this bathroom. He ain't no fucking coward.
Still… to delay returning to the bedroom for a little longer, Mondo turns to the bathroom mirror, stomach churning at the sight of himself. He looks… weak. Lesser. Not like the fearsome biker gang leader he's spent years crafting himself to be. There's nothing fearsome about him now, with his hair down and dripping wet, his kohl rubbed off, his eyes full of a heaviness he cannot name. He looks like a weak, pathetic child, and maybe that's because he is. He pretends to be more, pretends to be greater, but as he stares at his pitiful reflection, he is struck with the reality that he's not. Not more. Not anything, really. Nothing, always… always nothing. Fuck…
It's as he's looking away from the mirror, disgust and shame filling his body, that he sees it. Doing a double take, he feels his breath hitch as he slowly extends his neck, eyes wide as he sees the goddamn, fucking /hickey/ that resides there. It… it's an honest to god, actual fucking /hickey/, holy shit.
Mondo… shit. Mondo has /never/ fucking had a hickey before. Every time he's kissed chicks in the past, they never got passed mild making out. Mondo had once had the opportunity to kiss a chick's neck briefly, maybe touch her breast a little, before her older sister came in and threw Mondo out, but he… he'd never had a chick do that shit to him. God, he… h-he's never gotten as far with a fucking chick as he's gotten with Taka, and he thinks there's some serious fucking irony in the fact that he's only ever gotten past second fucking base with his goddamn /kyoudai/. He thinks that may say something, but he firmly doesn't want to know what that is, so he pushes it aside quickly.
With shaking hands, he gingerly touches the large ass bruise, hissing at the mild sting. Taka… Taka sure as fuck didn't hold back, did he…? Oh, oh /god/, Mondo's stomach comes fucking alive with heat at the thought, disgust at himself rising to match it, and he has to take several deep, even breaths to shove it all back down.
He- he can't fucking leave this shit. It's so fucking obvious what it is, anyone who sees it will fucking know /exactly/ what it means. And while normally he wouldn't care, normally he'd wear that shit like a fucking trophy (assuming it had ever happened before, of course), he… he can't now. Not only did he get the bruise doing something super fucking shameful, but… b-but Taka has been sporting some pretty obvious hickeys himself recently. The kid tries to cover them up with his scarves, but there are times when the bruises still shine through a little, to Mondo's private delight. If… shit. Shit. If /both/ of them show up to Hina's fucking get together with obvious hickeys on their goddamn necks, then… t-then… well. Mondo has never thought much of the collective intelligence of his classmates (other than Taka), but he's pretty sure even a toddler could connect these dots, shit. Especially since Mondo rarely is around anyone other than Taka these days, and vice versa. Shit, this… this ain't fucking good…
Looking over his neat as shit counter— thanks Taka— Mondo immediately finds his foundation and grabs it, opening it with slightly shaking hands. He frowns a little when he sees that there's quite a bit less than he remembers, and he realizes with a little jolt that Taka must have been using it recently to deal with his own, uh… hickeys. And, shit, it's so fucking obvious in retrospect, of course he's been doing that, but for some reason he never thought of it before. Prolly because he's a fucking dumbass, shit…
The problem with this plan comes to light pretty quickly, Mondo finds, as he does his best to carefully apply the foundation, only to find that it barely does /shit/. Which is… not fucking good. Mondo doesn't like the feel of heavier foundation, since it usually cracks on his skin and makes it feel all gross, and after his skin cleared up a couple years ago, he didn't really need to use it anymore, so he just buys the light shit that doesn't bother him as much. He also doesn't have any fucking concealer, for the same fucking reason. And this shit… no matter how many fucking layers he puts on (and trust him, he puts on a fucking /ton/), the bruise is still dark enough to shine through just barely. Shit… sh-shit… that ain't fucking good…
Well. Nothing fucking for it, right…? The fuck is he supposed to do, drive out and buy some new foundation? He prolly could, but their little get together is in less than half an hour and Taka would be fucking /disappointed/ if he were late, so… shit. Whatever. Whatever! Who fucking cares! He can have a fucking hickey if he wants to, and any asshole who tries to question him on it can have a nice long talk with his fucking fists. It'll be fucking /fine/. All… all fine.
With that all settled, Mondo finally turns towards the door, his stomach twisted in knots, but his mind a lot calmer than it had been when he walked in here. Still not great, but… better. He briefly considers turning around and doing up his hair again, but… shit, he doesn't really have time. He'll just put it up in a pony or something, he doesn't care. If his classmates laugh, he'll punch them. Simple.
Taking a deep breath to calm his fucking /nerves/, Mondo approaches the door and reaches out for the handle. And if he hesitates a little as he gets closer, well. Good thing it's only him in here.
Slowly, Mondo opens up the door, taking care to be a bit louder than normal so as to not startle Taka. He feels awkward as shit as he shuffles out, not sure how to act, or what to say. He… he doesn't know if Taka is mad at him, if he /hates/ him, if he… h-he won't be there when he exits, if he packed up all his shit and peaced the fuck out, or… o-or…
But no, Taka is there. He's there, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, turning to face him with wide ass eyes. It makes Mondo's stomach bloom with nerves, his hands clenching and unclenching with his uncertainty. The pair stares at one another in this charged silence for a single second, before Mondo decides that one second is too goddamn much, Jesus Christ.
"Hey, Taka," Mondo mumbles awkwardly, shuffling his feet as his hands continue to clench and unclench, eyes darting around the room to avoid looking at the kid. He feels awkward, his chest aching, and he doesn't know what the fuck to do. Doesn't know what the fuck /Taka/ wants him to do. He… he wishes he did… wishes Taka would fucking tell him, would end this fucking guessing game, but… shit. Wishes sure as fuck ain't horses…
Mondo feels himself tense up a little when he sees movement out of the corner of his eye, his head turning quickly to face his kyoudai, heart pounding stupidly. He doesn't know what is happening, what Taka fucking /wants/, and he's so fucking terrified that Taka is going to throw him out on his ass now. A-and yes, yes, he wants that, wants Taka to not rely on him so much anymore, wants Taka to not be forced to view him as anything other than a monster anymore, but it… it hurts, it hurts, all of this fucking /hurts/, and… a-and…
And then Taka is touching him. Soft, gentle. /Kind/. He… he looks so kind as he touches his arm, looks up at him with sympathetic eyes, like… like Mondo is a person who deserves sympathy, like… like he…
"Are you alright, my kyoudai? You look... distressed," Taka mutters softly, head tilted as he looks at him. It makes him flush horribly, his eyes falling to the ground, and he has to force a laugh to hide the way he stupidly wants to cry. He… he shouldn't feel like crying. God, he's so fucking /weak/ these days. He… he's gotta get better at hiding this shit, how the fuck can he be what Taka needs if he's always five fucking seconds away from falling apart? God, now even Taka can see how pathetic he is, noticing that he's all 'distressed' and shit. Taka… Taka shouldn't be worrying about him.
He's not worth the kid's worry.
"H-heh... uh, yeah. Don't worry 'bout me, Kiyo. Ya doin' good?"
He sees Taka nod slowly in the corner of his eye, and he looks up unbidden. He feels his stomach hollow out again when he notices Taka biting his /goddamn lip/ again, the sight causing heat to flare through his body, his mouth parting on a shaky breath, shameful to the last. After a moment of awkward as shit /staring/, Taka awkwardly clears his throat, shuffling in place a little.
"A-ah... y-yes, kyoudai! I am doing excellent, thank you for asking! But... b-but I will always worry about you, kyoudai! I- I... you are my dearest friend, of course I will worry!"
God, /god/, why the fuck does this kid have to be so fucking /incredible/?! God, this… this would be so fucking easy if Taka were just a douchebag like everyone else that Mondo has ever met. If he had some flaw that shows he's actually super fucking terrible or something. But no, /no/, Taka… Taka is genuinely amazing. More than amazing. He sees something worthwhile in a monster like him, sees something worthy, and he… he…
He doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve it, he /doesn't fucking deserve it/. He… he…
But Taka doesn't see that. He's too good to see that. It's up to Mondo to /make sure/ the kid sees that one day, sees that he's not worth the kid's precious as fuck time and care. He's gotta fucking do it. For Taka… for his /kyoudai/… he's gotta do it.
Transforming his startled, wide eye look into something softer, something less pathetic, Mondo smiles sadly at Taka, wanting to move the fuck on already. No good can come from this conversation, so they've gotta just… move on. Somehow.
"Thanks, Kiyo. Y'ain't gotta, but... I, uh... I 'ppreciate it. S-so. Ya ready fer whatever Hina's got planned?"
Mondo can see that Taka is a bit startled at the abrupt change in topic, but the kid doesn't let it stop him. He just smiles shakily and nods, seeming content to let the matter drop like it's hot. Good. Fucking… good.
"Ah! Yes, kyoudai! I am very eager to see what our friend has planned for us! It is most mysterious!"
Mysterious…? Taka thinks Hina's planned activity is fucking… mysterious…?
Mondo can't help the sideways look he gives his kyoudai, nor the way he snorts softly as he shakes his head. Some measure of humor fills him at how precious Taka is, a genuine smirk lighting his lips as he looks at his kyoudai. He isn't laughing at the kid, fuck no, he just… he feels so fucking fond. He can't help it.
"Not much ofa fuckin' mystery. We're meetin' at the fuckin' kitchen, kyoudai. Kinda fuckin' obvious what shit she's gonna have us do."
Taka's cheek turn bright pink again, a small scowl on his lips as he crosses his arms petulantly. Mondo knows Taka well enough by now to know the kid isn't actually upset, is more playing it up, and it's just… it fucking… s-shit…
"Of course, kyoudai! I simply meant that it is a strange request, that is all! Besides, just because we are going to the kitchen does not explain fully what we shall do! Perhaps she wishes us to eat something she created! You cannot know for certain what she has planned unless you asked her yourself! And I have! And she refused to 'ruin the surprise!'"
/Fuck/, he's so fucking adorable. Mondo can't help how he snorts, amusement filling his heart, pushing out the last remnants of pain inside of him. He has no hope that the pain will stay gone, knows one day he'll be in fucking agony when Taka finally does decide to leave, but that's a problem for Future Mondo to deal with. Current Mondo gets to smirk at his precious as fuck kyoudai, insides all soft and gooey, not worrying about the shit he did earlier, or the numerous ways he's fucking this entire bullshit up.
"Yeah, but she told us ta wear casual clothes, Taka. Pretty fuckin' obvious she wants us ta cook somethin' with her. But ya know what, sure. Call it a mystery if ya'd like," Mondo snickers, feeling more amused than he prolly should. Honestly, he doesn't really care one way or the other. Hina had asked them all to come to the kitchen in casual clothes during homeroom that day and seeing as how Mondo didn't have anything else planned, he'd agreed easily enough. He doesn't know what she has planned, but he figured from context clues that they'd prolly be cooking or baking something. While he's not the greatest at cooking or baking shit (as his shitty picnic he took Taka on showcases plainly), he's always down to support a classmate. Or… friend. Maybe. He doesn't know.
He gets distracted from his thoughts by Taka gently shoving him, his cheeks a light shade of pink as he scowls again. It's so fucking distracting, but Mondo doesn't let it stop him. After all, he knows that if they are gonna do some baking or cooking shit, Taka might not wanna be dressed in his stark white uniform. Kitchen shit can get a bit messy, after all…
"Speakin' a' which... don't ya think ya should dress down a bit? Yer uniform'll get dirty if ya cook in it. Know ya hate that shit."
Taka tilts his head as he considers Mondo's question, frowning as he thinks so intensely on what anyone else would consider a simple ass question. It makes Mondo's small, soft smile widen, his affection for the kid swelling within him. It honestly hurts a little, his emotions still raw from earlier, but he shakes it off quickly when he sees Taka shrug slightly, eyes focused on Mondo once again.
"I'm sure you are right, kyoudai, but if I am to be seen in public, I must wear my uniform at all times! It would be improper otherwise! I will simply have to be careful to not soil it, that is all! But I appreciate the concern, my dearest kyoudai! It is greatly appreciated!"
Mondo laughs at the enthusiastic words, grinning brightly as he looks at the kid. His heart is full to bursting, everything in him squirming at the overwhelming affection he feels. The kid is biting his lip again, and /fuck/ is it making his insides ache.
Unable to stop himself yet again, Mondo reaches forward and wraps his arms around Taka's waist, pulling the kid close to his body. He's been doing that a lot lately; pulling the kid close to his side by his waist. He knows their classmates have noticed, has seen their judgmental fucking looks, but he doesn't give a single shit. Who the fuck cares what those jackasses think? He is close to his kyoudai, and that's fucking that. Now, if… if /Taka/ wanted him to stop, then he'd do it in a heartbeat. But as it stands, the kid hasn't complained yet, so… yeah. Yeah.
"Yeah, yeah. Just don't come complainin' ta me when yer all filthy later, hear me? Ain't gonna be my concern," Mondo grumbles, though he's still grinning, eyes lit up with his amusement. Taka huffs shakily, pretending to be all indifferent, but Mondo can see right through him. Ha.
"I will be perfectly fine, I assure you! Now, it is nearly time to start heading out! Will you be putting your hair back up?"
Ah, yeah, he wondered if Taka would comment on it. While Mondo could prolly do his full pomp in the time they've got, he already determined it prolly wouldn't be worth it. Plus, the pomp just gets in his way when he's trying to make shit. While it looks impressive as fuck, it's not the most practical hairstyle in the world, he'll admit that. It definitely hinders his field of vision a bit, making shit just a bit harder. And he definitely doesn't need shit to be harder if they're gonna be cooking something…
Shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head, Mondo replies to the kid.
"Nah. Pomp just gets in the way a' cookin' an' shit. Prolly just put it up in a pony or somethin', keep it outta my face. Anyone laughs an' I'll just punch 'em," he claims, smirking. He sees Taka roll his eyes, but he doesn't comment on the violent claim. He used to, saying he shouldn't give into his 'violent tendencies,' but he's not been doing it as often lately. Mondo would wonder what it means, but knows it's prolly nothing.
Honestly, it prolly has to do with the fact he's yet to actually follow through on any of his threats yet… well. Except for one. He definitely made sure to beat the ever loving /shit/ out of the jackass who tried to harass Chi into a fucking date and said something homophobic to Taka (Chi had told him accidentally, once, which had solidified Mondo's resolve to beat the shit outta him). He'd done as he'd promised Taka and did it outside of school, luring the jackass out with Michi's help, his second pretending to be a chick interested in the fuckwad, ugh. After that, he'd put the fear of Mondo into that jackass, and so far, he's been too much of a little bitch to even look their way, let alone rat Mondo out. Bastard.
But still. Besides that, Mondo's been all bark, no bite recently, like Taka had said right before they became kyoudai. The thought of it once would have freaked Mondo out, causing him to lash out and become even more violent than before, but… but he doesn't want to do that. Not now. Not when it would /disappoint/ Taka.
Christ… he is so fucking /whipped/… it's a good fucking thing his gang can't see him now, or else they'd never wanna fucking follow him. Jesus.
Mondo watches, feeling a little flustered, as Taka lowers his eyes to the ground, cheeks bright red for some reason. But then, he watches in confusion as Taka does a double take, grimacing as he looks at something on his neck. Oh… shit, what the fuck is wrong, does he have something on his neck…?
"What... what? Somethin' the matter, Kiyo?" Mondo questions worriedly, lifting his hand absently to touch his neck. The unexpected slight twinge of pain makes him grimace, reminding him suddenly that, oh yeah. He's got a fucking /hickey on his fucking neck/. How the fuck he forgot about that, he doesn't know, but clearly… clearly it's still fucking noticeable… s-shit…
Cheeks uncomfortably warm, Mondo doesn't bother waiting for the kid to answer, knowing what his response was gonna be anyway.
"Ah, shit. 'S fuckin' noticeable still, ain't it? Tried ta, uh... cover it. Shit's hard. Have ya... have ya been havin' similar problems? 'Cuz damn... sorry."
And he is. Sorry. He hadn't realized the kid had been using his makeup to cover the bruises, since he's been doing his best to not focus on Taka's neck, the sight of it making his mind go all stupid. Had he realized, he'd have bought the better foundation earlier.
Taka, however, just laughs, shaking his head in a way Mondo thinks might be fond. His eyes are shining with affection, and it's just… fucking with Mondo's head so fucking much, f-fuck…
"I-it's no problem, kyoudai! I've just been using, ah... y-your makeup and a scarf! I can, um... lend you a scarf, if you need one?"
Mondo considers that for a second, wondering if it would work. Ultimately, however, he shakes his head, knowing it prolly wouldn't help. He's never been a scarf kinda dude, since it messes with his collar. He just mans up and deals with the cold when it snows. Him wearing a scarf now would just call attention to his neck, proving he's hiding shit, and that will be as telling as leaving his hickeys alone.
"Nah, ain't exactly the type ta wear fuckin' scarves. Ya can pull off the scarf look; me? Not so much. Would just call more attention ta it, prolly. 'Specially in a kitchen," Mondo snorts, smirking lightly. "Nah, I'll just do my best ta not call attention ta it. Anyone fuckin' asks, I'll tell 'em ta mind their own fuckin' business. I can get some better powder fer this shit, though. Kind that'll actu'ly cover shit. Maybe some a' that liquid shit I hate. I can look inta it later. Should be fine fer now, I guess."
Taka nods slowly at his assessment, biting his goddamn lip again. Jesus Christ. Mondo is gonna fucking make a rule about biting lips one of these days. It's so fucking distracting.
He gets pulled back to the present when Taka smiles shakily at him, pulling away from their partial embrace, turning towards the bathroom.
"Very well, kyoudai! I should, uh... go and get ready to go! You know, wash up and all! I should be good to go in about ten minutes!"
The kid doesn't wait for a response before striding over to the bathroom without a backwards glance, the door closing with a definitive *click.* Mondo stares at the door with wide eyes for a minute, the abrupt end of their conversation throwing him. Well… that's that, then…
With Taka off in the bathroom doing whatever the fuck he's doing (which Mondo /firmly/ doesn't think about, fuck you very much, brain), Mondo's not entirely sure what to do. Left alone with his thoughts, the panic and fears from earlier are starting to crop up again, making his chest tight and angry. Not even deep, even breathing is helping, so after a minute he heads over to the couch and takes a heavy seat, placing his head in his hands as he fucking thinks about this shit.
Okay. So… that didn't go… horribly. At least Taka didn't immediately tell him to get the fuck out, right? And he didn't seem mad, but honestly, it's so hard to tell with Taka. The kid always keeps shit close to his chest, so afraid of upsetting other people that he ignores his own upset, at least until it gets too much for him to handle. And his anger often doesn't look like Mondo's anger. His anger can be bright and fiery, yes, but it also can be so cold, which Mondo rarely is. Mondo doesn't know if that's better or not.
He supposes he'll just have to… keep going. Not talking about shit, since Taka doesn't wanna talk about shit, hoping that things aren't falling apart at the seams. He doesn't know if he should continue doing the sexual shit they've been doing or if he should just quietly stop, but… either way, he'll have to be careful. Play it all by ear. Focus more on building Taka up, helping the kid gain the confidence he needs to eventually leave Mondo. If Taka wants to do sexual shit, then Mondo will do it. If he doesn't, Mondo won't. Ain't like Mondo gains shit from doing it. He's barely even jerked himself off since they started doing this shit, feeling so fucking dirty whenever his fantasies inevitably wandered over to Taka, imagining the kid doing all kinds of disgusting things that he's positive the kid would never fucking do. It just… hasn't felt right to do that shit. Especially not only one room over from the kid.
(And if Mondo feels like he's dying inside, if the thought of losing Taka makes everything seem dark and grey, if the thought of ending their friendship _and more_ breaks every part of him from the inside out… well. It doesn't matter. /He/ doesn't fucking matter. He never fucking has, and he never fucking will. Taka… Taka matters. Taka will do shit with his life. Taka deserves to be happy. Mondo… Mondo doesn't. And that? Is that.)
Things are fucked up. They're complicated, and messy, and nothing makes any fucking sense. It's the consequence of jumping off that cliff, of diving into the unknown. They didn't die, maybe, but they're definitely struggling. When he was younger, Daiya would sometimes tell him that adding sex into a friendship always complicates shit, sometimes irreparably. Well… he's learned that the hard way, now. He's just gotta hope this shit doesn't hurt Taka too much. If Mondo gets hurt, who fucking cares. No one alive fucking cares about him. Not anyone who truly knows him, at least. But Taka… if he gets hurt from this shit, from /Mondo/, then… then… fuck. He doesn't know. It won't be good, though. Mondo won't let himself get off that easily.
With that (more or less) settled, Mondo figures it's time to wait for Taka to finish in the bathroom. He's not entirely sure what the kid is doing in there, knows he isn't taking a shower since he can't hear the shower running, but he supposes it isn't any business of his. Taka can do whatever the fuck he wants in the bathroom, it's his fucking life. Besides, Taka said he'd only take about ten minutes, and it's been less than five, so there's nothing to worry about.
With a sigh that might be just a touch too weary, Mondo heads over to the bed, stomach churning as his mind stupidly reminds him of what it feels like to hold Taka in his arms at night, like he fucking belongs there. He doesn't. It's just temporary. All of this… it's just fucking /temporary/. The faster he accepts that, the easier this all will be.
With uncaring hands, Mondo grabs his stupid fucking glasses from the case he's been leaving them in, shoving them quickly on his face. He then grabs the stupid ass book he's been reading, flopping down onto the bed to read a little more of it. /Harry Potter/ isn't the best book series in the world, but there is something enjoyable about it. He's on the sixth book now, and he's not super fond of how dark shit is getting, but he's kind of interested to see where it all leads.
The minutes pass slowly, Mondo not able to get into the book as well as he usually can. He keeps getting distracted by any sound that comes from the bathroom, eyes darting up every time. He's also constantly checking the clock, noticing the time rapidly disappearing. While he doesn't give a single shit about getting places on time, let alone /early/, he knows Taka does. And when they're about ten minutes out, but Taka still isn't done in the bathroom, Mondo starts to wonder if something is wrong again. It's been longer than the initial ten-minute estimate Taka gave him, which is strange for the kid. He's always so punctual; if he gives a time frame, he pretty much always meets it.
Mondo is just about to head over to the bathroom door and ask the kid if he's alright when he hears the door open on its own, his stomach clenching up despite himself. It gets worse when he looks up automatically and sees Taka smiling tenderly at him, eyes liquid soft, like /Mondo/ is the precious one or something. He forces down the weirdness inside of him and smiles at the kid, removing his glasses carelessly.
"Heya, Taka. Was 'bout ta head over an' knock. Got 'bout ten minutes 'til Hina wants us ta meet up, an' I know ya like gettin' places early if ya can. Wanna head out now?"
The look in Taka's eyes intensifies, blinding Mondo entirely. It gets so much fucking worse when Taka smiles even brighter, the kid nodding enthusiastically, as adorable and precious and /Taka/ as ever. It… it's too much, this is all /too much/, Taka… T-Taka is… is too much… /god/ does it burn…
"That sounds like an excellent idea, kyoudai! To be tardy is akin to the highest sin, after all!"
Mondo cannot help but laugh, everything inside of him aching horribly, but he can't let it show. He looks at Taka with all the desperation in his heart, standing when it becomes too much to bear. Unable to stop himself, he heads over to Taka, placing his hands gently on the kid's thin hips, leaning closer to press their foreheads together tenderly. Taka gasps for some reason, the air puffing against his lips like a kiss, the kid's hands rising to rest lightly against his chest, and- shit… sh-shit…
"Never change, Kiyo," Mondo mutters, words escaping without any conscious thought, pressing tighter to the kid, so fucking close. "Never... never fuckin' change. Promise... promise me ya won't. Not fer anythin', okay? Not even me."
He means it. He means it so fucking /much/. He… he never wants Taka to change. He's goddamn perfect the way he is, so fucking perfect. He needs Taka to see that, needs to show the kid how fucking /incredible/ he is. That… that's what he needs to do. Make Taka see how perfect he is. If he- if he can just do that, then maybe this all with be worth it. Maybe this fucking /shit/ will all be worth it, this pain and fucking /agony/, if he… he can just show Taka how amazing he is… how wonderful… how /perfect, so fucking perfect/…
"K-kyoudai," Taka stammers, looking stunned, looking… looking /upset/, shit, shit, he didn't mean to upset him, he… he didn't… "T-thank you! We should- we should get going, though! I- I'd hate for us to be late and-"
The kid tries to pull away then, eyes dim, looking so fucking /sad/ it breaks everything inside Mondo. He feels sick with it, feels /wrong/, and he can't stop how he holds on tighter, shaking his head firmly once, forcing the kid to stop, to /stay/, to… to listen. He… he needs to make Taka see how perfect he is… needs to get him to see that he never has to change, that he… he's perfect the way he is, that he… he's…
"That can fuckin' wait. I just... I mean it, ya know? I think yer fucking perfect the way you are. You... ya don't need ta change. Not now, not ever. Please... promise me ya won't. Not unless you truly want to. But… just… don't do it because you think you should, or because you think someone else wants you to. Okay? Kiyo..."
Mondo breaks yet again when he feels Taka rip himself from his grasp, smile wrong, his eyes dull and dim and fucking /lifeless/. He… Taka shouldn't look lifeless, he's the most alive creature he's ever met, this isn't right, this isn't /right/, Mondo fucked up again and ruined /everything/, and he doesn't know what the fuck to do, /no one is telling him what the fuck to do/, and he's just… h-he's /just/-
"I can't... kyoudai, I cannot promise such a thing," Taka mutters, turning to face the wall, breath heavy, hands shaking. His eyes are closed now, but Mondo can't forget the dull, lifeless look. He never will. "I... I must make myself better, no matter what the consequences. And if I must change myself to become what I need to be, to achieve my goals... then I will. I am not foolish enough to think that I am the pinnacle of perfection. Whatever you may want to fool yourself into believing, I am /not/. I strive for perfection. I /must/ become perfect. It... it is what I was born to do. But I am not perfect. I... I cannot be. If I were, then you..." Taka pauses, swallowing thickly, opening his eyes and staring blankly at the ground. "We should get going. I-if we... if we don't wanna be late..."
Silence descends around them following Taka's speech, Mondo frozen in time and space. He can only stare at Taka, everything so fucking fucked up inside him he doesn't even know what is happening anymore. He… he's fucking… he's fucking /fooling himself/…? Into thinking Taka is perfect? Taka… Taka /ain't/ perfect, ain't /fucking perfect/?!
That… that's not… /he's not/… he…
He ain't fooling himself… he ain't fooling /nothing/, he… h-he…
He can't handle this, he /can't fucking handle this/, he… h-he…
"... uh. Yeah. Y-yeah... fuck..."
Mondo watches, numb inside and out, as Taka strides towards the door, so fucking confused and lost and /hurting/, god, he… he… he watches as Taka reaches the door, as he tries to open it only to fail, hands shaking too fucking much, trembling like a goddamn /child/, and suddenly… suddenly…
Mondo is angry.
Jesus Christ…
Anger and _/hurt/_ flooding his heart, Mondo stumbles forward on shaking feet, chest aching, not knowing what the fuck he's supposed to do now. He honestly doesn't even know what is going on, why this is happening, but he knows that he can't fucking take this shit anymore. Everything has been too much recently. Taka and his evolving relationship. Their inability to talk to one another about fucking /anything/. His knowledge that this shit is going to end one day, no matter what he wants. Everything swirls together in his mind, making it hazy and confused, but soon enough he has reached Taka, and he reaches his hand out to grab the kid's thin hips. In his haze, he grips too tightly, he knows he's gripping too tightly, but he can't seem to make his hand let go, to grip gentler, to… to do anything, really. Not with how everything swirls within him, confusing and so fucking messed up.
"Actu'ly, fuck that. An' fuck you, too! Fuck, Taka... I don't know what the hell crawled up yer ass an' died, but if ya wanna fuckin' pretend nothin's the fuckin' matter, then fuckin' fine. Be my /fuckin'/ guest. But don't... goddamn. Don't ya fuckin' tell me I'm /foolin'/ myself 'bout any /fuckin'/ thing. If I say yer fuckin' perfect ta me, I fuckin' mean it. Ain't fuckin' foolin' myself or nothin'. I know ya have yer issues, an' I ain't gonna fuckin' tell ya not ta feel how ya feel, much as I wanna, but just... don't try an' do that shit ta me, okay? I already can't figure my own shit out, don't need ya makin' shit worse. Got it? So, just... I mean it. I know ya got flaws an' shit, man, everyone does. But... don't fuckin' matter ta me, Kiyo. Yer just... so fuckin' important. Can't even say how much. All yer flaws an' shit don't mean fuck all ta me, 'cuz yer just so... so fuckin' perfect. Can't think ofa better word than that. So, don't fuckin' try an' tell me otherwise, okay? Just... fuckin' /don't/."
Taka doesn't respond, just stares blankly at the door, breathing heavily, trembling, fucking… trembling. Mondo has no idea what the fuck he just said, everything a goddamn blur in his mind. He managed to not scream his words, managed to make them soft, almost /intimate/, like even now he can't hurt Taka, can't ever fucking hurt Taka. He… god, he wants shit to be fixed already. To stop hurting so bad, to stop hurting /Taka/ so bad. Why… why does this all hurt so fucking /bad/?
Is it… is it supposed to feel like this? Aching? Hurting? Breaking, always fucking /breaking/? Is this what- what friendship is like? Is this… is this… or is it him? Is it Mondo, always, only /Mondo/? Shit wasn't always great with Daiya, either. Mondo hates thinking on that, on the times Daiya was mad at him, /hated him/, but he knows those times were there. Knows it, knows he would hurt Daiya with his anger, would make his brother hurt. It… it's what he does. He hurts people. He makes them hurt. He can't fix things, can't make things better. He doesn't know how. He tries, and he tries, and he tries, and he /tries/, and things only ever get worse. He… he tried so hard with Daiya… tried to be a good brother, tried to be worth the sacrifices his brother made… a-and in the end, he failed in the worst possible way. He… he killed Daiya… he /killed Daiya/, and he… he…
He's just going to kill Taka, too…
God, he wishes he wouldn't… /god/, he wishes he knew how to make things better, but he… he doesn't. He doesn't, he doesn't, he /doesn't/, and he… he wishes he could tell Taka about this. About his fears, about his desires, but he knows he can't do that, either. Can't burden the kid with his fucked-up nonsense, can't make Taka fix his own mistakes. Taka doesn't want to talk to him about this shit, is always running away when Mondo tries, so… s-so he can't. Can't talk to Taka, can't talk to anyone. Not his gang, not Leon, not Chi. Not Taka. He… he's alone in this, so utterly /alone/, and he can't fix this alone. He… he's not good enough to fix this alone… he… h-he…
"... y-you... you can't say that to me, y-you... you can't... it's not /fair/, Mondo, it's just... it's not fair..." Taka whispers, so soft that barely a sound comes out. But Mondo hears him. Mondo would hear him in a hurricane, he knows the kid so well. And he… he…
He leans forward and presses his forehead to Taka's neck. He lifts his other hand and holds Taka's hip gently, gently, he hopes it's gently. And he… he sighs. Soft, quiet. Hurt, he… he's hurt. But he knows he has no right to feel hurt. Not when he's the one fucking shit up. Not when he's the one making /Taka/ hurt. He doesn't know what he did wrong, what he said wrong, but he… he knows he fucked up somehow. Somewhere. He hurt Taka with his words, with his presence, and he… he…
Maybe he should just… give up… get on his hog, drive as far from Hope's fucking Peak as possible… maybe get on a plane, leave the country, leave everything. No one would miss him, no one would even notice he was gone. They call him an Ultimate, but he isn't. He isn't, he isn't, he never was. There's nothing Ultimate about him. He's so pathetic it isn't funny. He wanted to keep this alive, to keep him and Taka alive, and now… now he can feel it dying in his hands. It was inevitable, always fucking inevitable, but he… he…
He wishes it wasn't…
"... I know. Taka... Kiyo. I know. An'... and I'm sorry. I... I'm so sorry..."
And he is. God, he is. He's sorry. So… so fucking sorry…
His heart is numb as he feels Taka press against the door, trying to get as far away from him as possible. It hurts so bad he doesn't even really feel it anymore. It's just… a part of him now. Like… like it was before he met Taka… before Taka took his pain away… before… before…
Before he fucked everything up…
"We... w-we should head to the kitchen now. We shouldn't be late..."
Mondo presses against Taka firmer, laughing softly, but there's no humor inside his heart. Of… of course the kid still wants to head to the kitchen… of course he /doesn't want to be fucking late/, of course… of course. Mondo has never wanted to do anything less, wants to head out to his hog and fucking /drive/, like he always does when he needs to settle the nonsense in his head, but… but Taka wants to fucking /head to the fucking kitchen/, so… so that's what he's gonna fucking do. What he wants doesn't matter. What he wants has never mattered.
Why would he expect anything different now?
Heart fully numb, Mondo pulls back, feeling so cold, but knowing they gotta go. Don't wanna be fucking /late/. Being late is akin to the highest sin, after all. And everyone knows how fucking terrible it is to /sin/.
"Yeah. Yeah, sure. Why the fuck not..."
He watches distantly as Taka scrambles to open the door, spilling out of the room like he's escaping hell or something. Desperate. Like he wants to be anywhere but near Mondo.
Figures.
He half expects Taka to be gone by the time he manages to unstick his feet from the floor and exit this godforsaken room. But, to his mild surprise (and mild disappointment), Taka is still there, but refusing to look at him. He sighs as they fall in step together, heading to the kitchen in a tense, heavy silence. He waits for Taka to say something, to /do/ something, but he doesn't. They just continue to walk in the stifling silence, avoiding looking at the other, proving how /broken/ everything is. It… it's broken. This all is fucking /broken/, so why… why the fuck is he still trying? Why is he still /doing this/? God, he should just leave, he should /just leave/, leave and leave and leave. Leave this moment, leave this school. Run and run and run and run, like he's always running, running from everything. He… he…
They reach the dining hall quickly, and from there the kitchen, all without a single word, and Mondo can't fucking stand it. It's like his skin is on wrong. Like his teeth don't sit right in his mouth. He can feel Taka beside him, but he's not actually there. Everything is /wrong/, and broken, and he doesn't know what to do about it.
Inside the kitchen, he can see Sakura and Hina standing by the stoves, talking to one another, looking so softly at the other it makes him fucking ache inside to see. See, that… that's what he and Taka used to have. Not dating, never fucking /dating/, but… close. Together, if not /together/. Now, though… now they're not. Now they're /nothing/. Now… now, Taka is fucking /mad at him/, and he isn't fucking good enough to make things better. He… he can't make this better…
The numbness in his heart spreads when he sees the pair turn to look at them, Hina beaming while Sakura gives her usual half smile. The smiles turn to frowns as soon as they catch sight of them, though, Hina looking fucking /concerned/. Shit…
"Whoa! Is everything okay? You guys don't look happy..." Hina exclaims, sharing a look with Sakura that makes Mondo so fucking /angry/. Irrationally angry, but isn't his anger always fucking irrational? He certainly can't ever find any logic in it, as he growls and stomps off to the corner of the room like a petulant child, unable to stand being beside a silent, moody Taka any longer.
"Ain't none a' yer fuckin' business, so fuck off!" Mondo growls, anger flaring bright and vivid, masking everything like it always does. Can't let people know he's fucking breaking apart at the seams, now can he?
Sakura seems to take offense at his anger, though, as she glares bitterly at him, eyes practically on fire. Whatever. He doesn't fucking care. Maybe she'll fucking hit him. Maybe he wants that. Whatever.
"I do not know what your problem is, Owada-san, but that does not mean you can take it out on us. If you cannot behave, then I will ask you to leave. Is that understood?"
A heavy silence echoes through the kitchen, then, Mondo glaring at the floor, hands clenched, wanting to scream back, have a tantrum like the child he is, but- but-
Taka is looking at him.
He can't disappoint Taka.
He's already disappointing Taka. Taka hates him now.
He can't disappoint Taka more.
"Fine. Whatever. Sorry. Just... leave me the fuck alone," Mondo mumbles, deflating, feeling like the scum of the earth. Like the pathetic child he always has been. His hair is down around his shoulders, his eyes are naked, and he left his duster behind in his room. He's nothing like the myth he's built up for himself. He's nothing like the Ultimate Biker Gang leader he's fooled the world into thinking he is.
He's just…
Nothing.
Absolutely /nothing/.
How fucking pathetic…
