21 The Problem With Mondo
Title: Bi Bi Denial
Mondo's right hand is holding Taka's left, the pair quiet as they leave the room, not saying a goddamn word because they don't need any words. Not now. Not after all that bullshit. Mondo still feels so fucked up inside, his stomach doing gymnastics, but it's okay. He has Taka, is holding Taka's hand, and it's okay. They walk through the empty halls, passing no one on their way to the kitchen, and it's all okay. It's just… all okay.
As they reach the dining room, however, Mondo feels Taka pull away from him, the kid smiling at him gently when Mondo shoots him a questioning look. But he guesses that he gets it. Holding hands is, uh… not generally considered platonic. And considering what everyone already thinks of them, it may be good to, ya know… not give any more fuel to the fire, so to speak. Still… he can't say he likes not being able to touch his kyoudai, his hand tingling unpleasantly as they travel through the dining hall, some upperclassmen he doesn't know at all staring at them as they walk. Fuckers. There's a reason he doesn't spend much time with those jackasses…
They're back at the kitchen before long, though, and Mondo can see that the entire class is still hanging around. Well, except for Enoshima and her sister, it seems. Fucking /good/. Mondo doesn't give a single fuck about where those two went. While Enoshima's sister ain't too bad (though he doesn't actually remember her name, come to think of it… huh. Whatever, not important), Enoshima is the goddamn worst. The less time he has to be around her, the better.
Unfortunately, their entrance is definitely noticed by everyone, and pretty soon Hina is bounding over towards them, looking between them with wide eyes full of concern. Fuck…
"Taka! Mondo! Are you guys okay? You left so quickly earlier we... we were worried! Junko tried to be all rude about it, but we asked her to leave, so don't worry! But... are you okay?"
Of course Enoshima would be rude about it, the little bitch. But she doesn't matter, so Mondo pushes her out of his mind and focuses on Hina, on what she said. How she said it. Part of Mondo had been worried that they'd judge him for how abruptly the pair left, thinking (rightly) that he was the cause, and the thought had made him stupidly anxious to return to the kitchen, not wanting to deal with their judgement so soon after everything that happened between him and Taka. But… Hina, she… she had sounded pretty damn genuine with her concern… and it doesn't seem like any of the remaining classmates are that pissed at them, not even Togami. So… so maybe they're not judging him for it. That's… shit. That's good, he guesses.
He still doesn't like the interrogation, though. He never does. He hates nosy bastards who can't keep their noses out of other people's business. Well… other than Taka. But it's endearing when he does it. This is just annoying. It's more annoying when he looks down at Taka and sees the pink cheeks and tense shoulders, telling him that the kid is embarrassed. That he doesn't fucking want to talk about it. That more than anything makes him decide to casually wrap his arm around Taka— hoping that the kid doesn't mind— and shrug, refusing to discuss what actually happened while they were alone.
"Just hadta patch up Taka's hand. Got burnt on the cookie sheet earlier. He's good now, though, so, uh... fuck off?"
He shrugs again as he begins to lead Taka over to the cooling rack, knowing that it's best to just move the fuck on already. Plus, he can see Taka's second tray of cookies still cooling on the rack, and he's gotta admit he's super fucking excited to try them. They're prolly still all hot and delicious, too. Mm, fuck he could go for a fucking chocolate chip cookie right about now… the people darting obvious fucking glances at them is fucking annoying, but he does his best to not focus on them, not wanting to ruin this shit so soon after fixing it.
As soon as they arrive at the cooling rack, Mondo can't help but reach out and grab one of the cookies, hoping Taka won't mind. He said he wanted to share them with him, so… whatever, it's prolly fine. The cookie is still very warm and sagging a little as he holds it, and he can tell before he bites it that it's gonna be the best fucking cookie he's ever fucking eaten. His mouth waters as he quickly brings it up to his lips, too impatient to wait any longer, and the second the cookie hits his tongue… shit, god fucking damn. Mondo closes his eyes and lets out a frankly obscene moan, but he can't fucking help it. Holy fucking shit is this cookie amazing… amazing doesn't even cover it, holy shit.
"Holy fuckin' /shit/, Kiyo. God fuckin' damn. You fuckin' made this shit?" Mondo questions rhetorically, knowing full well his kyoudai made it, just so fucking incredulous. Taka nods faintly anyway, looking a little stunned, and it's so fucking cute that Mondo can't help but grin, stuffing the rest of the cookie in his mouth with glee.
"Bes' fu'in' co'kie 've 'ver 'ad," Mondo spews, speaking with his mouth full even though he knows how fucking rude it is. Predictably, Taka wrinkles his nose and darts out from under Mondo's arm, looking at him with his fucking Disapproving Stare (capitalized since it's that fucking powerful).
"You should not talk with your mouth full, kyoudai! It is unbecoming!"
Mondo snickers as he finishes chewing, not feeling an ounce of regret for his actions. Not when it makes Taka look so fucking /normal/, his eyes soft and his lips relaxed. Not when it makes Taka look at him like /that/. Definitely not.
Mondo's attention gets pulled away from Taka when he sees a smaller figure awkwardly walk up to them, his shoulders tensing instinctively, wondering which fucking classmate wants their attention now. The tension leaves almost immediately once he sees that it's only Chi coming up to them, the dude looking very apprehensive as he holds their bowl of cookie dough. Oh, yeah. He's still gotta bake those fucking failed cookies, doesn't he… fuck.
"Hello, Chihiro! Is that your and Mondo's cookie dough?! Does it look better now?!" Taka asks, forceful for some reason. When Mondo looks over at him in surprise, he sees that the kid is smiling genuinely, which relieves him a little. He can't help but remember what Taka had said earlier, his /allusion/, and it makes his stomach twist. But that's really not helpful, so he pushes it the fuck down.
"O-oh! Um, yes! It looks a lot better now, thank you Taka! ... um... did you guys wanna bake them now? I wasn't sure if you were going to return or not... b-but now that you have, well... we can probably put them in the oven, right? O-or is there something else we have to do?" Chi stammers, looking between Taka, him, and the dough. Mondo sees Taka look down at the dough as well, head tilted with his mouth pulled down in a frown, looking so fucking critical. Uh… shit, shit, why the fuck is Taka looking at their dough like that… uh…
"Did you both follow the recipe exactly? Using only one egg?" Taka questions, sounding like he does when he lectures, which makes Mondo so fucking nervous. While he and Taka have made up, he still doesn't want to fail at making these stupid ass cookies, and he feels like he's fucked everything about the cookies up, which is just… shitty feeling, really. Mondo is about to make some kind of comment, he's not even sure what, but before he can, Chi quickly nods. And then, the contemplative look immediately fades, and the kid is smiling again, nodding once firmly. Which definitely doesn't make fucking butterflies blossom in his stomach, or whatever, fuck you for suggesting it.
"Well, then I think it should work just fine! We should grab some fresh baking sheets and some parchment paper, so that we can put them in the oven! I'm eager to try your cookies!"
Relief rushes over Mondo to hear that, a small grin rising on his lips as he looks at his kyoudai, something warm and happy filling his heart. Shit. To think he almost lost this shit. /Again/. Fuck, is losing this kid gonna break him… he doesn't even want to think of that reality, and so he doesn't. No use ruining shit before it happens.
Chi nods and smiles as he places the bowl down on the counter a meter from them, before heading off to finally grab a cookie sheet. The shit that started all of this in the first place. Not that he's complaining. It got him and Taka to make up in the end, didn't it? And also- uh, nothing. But it, uh… definitely was a sweet nothing… even with the taste of copper still on his lips, panic bubbling under his skin, he can't deny how sweet that nothing was. _Or how much he wants to do it again. Properly this time. Without blood or tears or fear._
/Anyway./
To distract himself from his stupid ass thoughts, Mondo reaches out and grabs another cookie, honestly unable to help himself. They're just so fucking /good/. Taka is a wizard; Mondo swears he is. That fact is made even clearer when Taka smiles and the whole room brightens by at least ten degrees. Feeling awkward, Mondo grins sheepishly even as he takes a bite, shrugging as casually as he can. He makes sure to chew fully before speaking this time, though. While Taka's disgusted face was arguably hilariously adorable the first time, he doesn't actually want to disgust the kid or make him think he's not worthy or shit. He isn't, but that's beside the point. Or maybe it's the point entirely, he doesn't fucking know.
"What? S' fuckin' good, dude. Ya really are a fuckin' master at bakin', shit Taka," Mondo professes, grinning as he takes another delicious fucking bite. Taka smiles back, a slightly dazed look in his eyes, making him feel… fuck. Nothing.
"Thank you, kyoudai! You are too kind! You may have the rest of them if you'd like! I... I made them for you, after all," Taka confesses, cheeks turning bright pink as he does. It makes Mondo's eyes widen, grin softening into a gentle smile, his heart stuttering to hear that Taka made these /for him/. Like he… he'd stupidly thought at first, but it turns out he was /right/. Yeah, the kid could be lying, but Mondo doubts it. He's known the dude long enough to know his tells, and he… he hadn't done anything this time. Shit…
"Shit, dude, really?! That's fuckin' awesome! Thanks! Didn't ya wanna try one, though? Don't think ya had a chance ta earlier, yeah?"
Mondo means the words to be simple, a basic request, nothing super complicated or challenging. And yet, judging by the way Taka full on fucking /freezes/, a pain Mondo can't quite understand in his eyes, he thinks he might have fucked up a bit… what else is new, really.
"A-ah! N-no thank you, kyoudai! I do not tend to eat many sweets these days!" Taka professes, smile strained and eyes unhappy. It stabs Mondo in the chest to see his kyoudai so unhappy, especially knowing he was the one who did it. He also knows it's a fucking lie. Not that Taka doesn't eat many sweets, he knows that that is true since the kid often will turn down Mondo's offers for sweet foods and shit. But… something about what he said doesn't strike him as truthful, and while he knows he prolly should just leave it… he finds he fucking can't.
"Oh, uh... sure, man. But... I still think ya should at least try this shit, okay? They're so fuckin' good. So, uh... here," Mondo mumbles, holding out the last bite of his cookie to Taka. The piece ends up hovering right around Taka's mouth, for reasons he refuses to think on, but whatever, it ain't a big fucking deal. And if his heart beats faster when he sees Taka's wide eyes, or his bright red cheeks, well, who fucking cares. It doesn't mean shit.
His stomach is in several fucking knots, though, as Taka looks down at the proffered cookie, biting his goddamn /lip/ again. Jesus Christ, does the kid ever give the abused flesh a break? He just fucking split it, and there he goes, biting it to all hell again. Mondo should fucking make him see one day that biting his lip all the goddamn time is a bad idea and that he should stop fucking doing it if he knew what's fucking good for him…
(And if his mind goes to earlier, with rough, bitten lips pressed oh, so gently to his, a promise of heat, of /passion/, held back only by the thinnest thread possible, only the thinnest resolve stopping them from doing shit in a public hallway that definitely would not be considered 'school appropriate'…? Well… shit. Again. Don't fucking matter.)
Mondo watches with lidded eyes as Taka gives him a shaky smile, before he leans in and… and wraps his goddamn lips carefully around the last bite of cookie, the sight so fucking erotic Mondo has no idea how to fucking deal with it. Fingers going numb, Mondo's hand twitches lightly, just enough to push his fingers into Taka's warm, supple mouth. The flash of pure heat that fills him makes him dizzy, and he thinks if Taka didn't pull back with a bright red blush, he'd have kept his fingers in Taka's mouth all fucking day. And no, it's not like he's never had his fingers in the kid's mouth before, but maybe that's the fucking problem, dear god.
Mondo feels glad that the kid isn't looking at him as he chews, as he knows his expression is not fucking school appropriate. The thought of /that/— of the shit they do behind closed door— is so fucking distracting and he's having a hard time shoving it away, his stomach alive with wriggling worms. Fuck…
He does finally manage to shove the weird ass feeling away a moment later, though, when he sees Taka's face fall, his eyes turning sad and his lips pulling down into a gentle frown, eyes falling to the floor and gaining a shiny tint. Oh… shit… is the kid okay…? He hadn't meant to fucking upset him… he never does…
"Hey... ya okay, Taka? Ya look... fuck. Ya look kinda sad..." he mumbles after a few moments, not wanting the kid to be upset, especially not because of him. His heart skips a beat when Taka looks up, eyes still full of sadness, but his lips pulling up into the most heartbreakingly beautiful smile he's ever seen. Fuck…
"A-ah... I am alright, kyoudai. Just... it's been a while since I've had one of my mother's cookies, is all. It just... hurts, I suppose," Taka mutters after a moment's pause, eyes darting to the cookie tray, the sadness growing, to Mondo's displeasure. Shit, of course that's the problem. Mondo should have realized. It still hurts him to do the shit Dai liked, too. Even riding his hog hurts some days, his chest aching as he remembers being five and sitting behind his brother as he drove them to their lake on his stolen ride. Placing a hand on Taka's shoulder, not knowing why but knowing he has to fucking do /something/, he gives the kid a small, sad smile.
"Uh... y-yeah. I, uh... I know what ya mean. Shit fuckin' hurts ta remember. Do ya... shit. Do ya wanna go or somethin'?"
Taka's lips tick upward at the question, the sorrow in his eyes fading slowly, never leaving fully, but enough that it's not consuming the kid. Mondo gets it. Even on the 'good days,' he still misses his brother like no one's fucking business. He doesn't think he'll ever stop, even fifty goddamn years from now. If he lives that long. He'll never get over the loss of his brother, the only person to ever love him, and he understands perfectly how much it hurts. Yet another thing Taka and him have got in common, isn't it…
He gets drawn back to the moment when Taka shakes his head, placing his hand carefully over Mondo's, eyes bleeding gratitude and sincerity.
"I'll be okay, kyoudai. Besides, we still have your cookies to bake! Speaking of which... where did Chihiro go?"
Huh… actually, that's a good fucking question. Mondo has been so focused on Taka these last couple of minutes that he forgot that Chi was supposed to be getting them baking sheets, and it shouldn't have taken the dude two goddamn minutes to get the sheets and some parchment paper. Eyes narrowing suspiciously, Mondo looks towards where the sheets are located, only to find the dude bounding up to them, cheeks pink and eyes averted, sheets and paper held awkwardly in his hand. Oh, that little bastard… he was fucking eavesdropping, wasn't he…? /Bastard/.
"O-oh! I'm here, Taka! I was just, um... asking Hina about something, that's all! I-is... is everything okay with you guys?"
Oh, yeah. 'Asking Hina something.' More like gossiping. Mondo hates fucking gossips. Shit makes him feel uncomfortable and awkward, hating the thought of people talking behind his back, even if the shit they're saying ain't bad. He knows Chi didn't mean shit by it, knows the dude is just showing concern in his own way, but it doesn't make his stomach squirm less to think about.
But he doesn't want to ruin his friendship with the dude, so he forces himself to snort lightly as he rolls his eyes. He can't help how he stomps forward, though, and grabs one of the sheets from Chi— perhaps a little harsher than strictly necessary— giving him a hard stare. It makes Chi flush with embarrassment, and while Mondo doesn't necessarily want to make the dude feel bad, he's not super broken up about it. Maybe that'll teach him to not eavesdrop and to not gossip about him. Two nasty fucking habits, really.
"Smooth, Fujisaki. Real fuckin' smooth. If yer done gossipin', wanna make these fuckin' cookies or not? Ain't got all fuckin' day..."
Chi flushes brighter, before nodding quickly, smile shaky on his lips as he walks over to the bowl with their cookie dough in it, placing the sheet down gingerly on the counter, saying nothing as he moves the fuck on. Which Mondo can respect, as he also moves on, placing his sheet down next to Chi's with another eye roll. Taka looks super fucking confused as he follows after them, but he doesn't question it and so they're finally allowed to move onto the baking part of this farce.
It makes Mondo's back stiffen when he looks around and sees that most of their classmates have already finished baking their fucking cookies, some of them looking pleased with what they made, some looking disgusted. Leon in particular seems to be gagging as he takes a bite of his fucking cookie, though fuck is he trying to grin at Maizono. Ha. Fucker. He prolly used salt instead of sugar. Rookie mistake.
It still makes him anxious that he's the last fucking one, and so he reaches out to grab the dough, wishing to finish this shit show once and for all. However, before he can grab the dough and begin rolling it into balls, like he recalls the second to last step saying, be gets stopped by Taka… fucking yelling at him. The fuck…?
"Wash your hands first, kyoudai! Never touch raw cookie dough without first washing your hands! In fact, never touch any cooking ingredient without first washing your hands! It's vitally important!"
Mondo turns to look at Taka with exasperation, returning the stern look Taka gives him stubbornly. Honestly, he gets Taka's concern, but… shit. He's really gotta fucking /wash his goddamn hands/…?
Seems like he does, since Taka refuses to back down and Mondo can't ever hold out against him long. Sighing loudly and rolling his eyes yet again, Mondo slumps over to the sink, washing his hands as thoroughly as he can so as to not disappoint Taka. Chi follows after him a moment later with a small 'eep!' which makes him smirk a little. Heh. Seems that no one can hold out long against his kyoudai.
Once they're done washing their hands, they return to Taka at their little station, Mondo scowling falsely at Taka to show his 'displeasure.' It's all fake as shit, though, and he can't maintain it for longer than a second. He never can, not when faced with Taka. Something about the kid always forces a smile out of him, his chest pleasantly warm and full of light. Especially when the kid is grinning like that, bright and happy and /real/. He has no hope of holding onto even false anger when faced with something like that. Smiling softly in return, offering a pitiful eye roll only, Mondo turns to the dough and begins rolling it out, listening as Taka calls out 'helpful' advice every so often. (And by helpful, he means confusing as fuck. Why the fuck does the kid always fucking use the American measurement system? Yeah, Taka once told him his ma lived in America while growing up, but the kid himself was born and raised in Japan. Even if he doesn't want to use metric for whatever reason, he could just fucking say 'roll into a ball about the size of a small ping pong ball,' not a fucking /inch/, however big that is. Jesus.)
Anyway. It takes Chi and him a couple minutes to fully roll out the dough, Taka just watching and offering his advice since he can't help, not with his hand being all fucked up. Once they're done, Taka looks critically at the two sheets they filled for a minute, before smiling brightly, giving them a thumbs up.
"Wonderful job, you two! Those look ready to put into the oven! And don't you even think about eating that extra cookie dough, kyoudai! It is unsafe to eat raw cookie dough, after all!" Taka exclaims, waving his finger at him as he sneakily tries to eat a small piece of cookie dough. Shit. He hadn't thought Taka would see him. Goddamnit.
After freezing briefly, he slowly puts down the dough, grinning sheepishly and rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
"Aw, shit. Fuckin' got me, kyoudai. Was just a little! Ain't no one died from just a little cookie dough..."
"While that may or may not be factually correct, it can still give you a stomachache! It is better to just wait for your cookies to bake! Be patient, kyoudai!"
"Oh, yer one ta fuckin' talk," Mondo mumbles absently, thinking of how fucking impatient the kid can get when he's horny as shit. The bright blush Taka gets on his cheeks makes him smirk a little, even as his own cheeks heat slightly. The amusement doubles when Taka scowls and lightly smacks him on the arm, looking so fucking flustered, letting him know that Taka knows exactly what he's talking about, heh. It settles something inside of him to be acting so casually with his kyoudai, especially after the bullshit of earlier. And yeah, it hurts a little, something in him that's still raw and tender screaming that this isn't right, that he doesn't deserve to have Taka act this way around him when he's a goddamn monster, but he pushes that aside. It ain't gonna help shit here. Taka needs him to not be a fucking moron. He focuses on Taka again, smirk still lazy on his face, as the kid turns back to the cookies with a flustered flush, hands on his hips, unintentionally glaring with his embarrassment. Heh. Cutie.
"W-well! That is beside the point! The point is, you should place your cookies in the oven now! Do you prefer them to be slightly softer or crispier? That will determine how long we place them in the oven!"
Mondo accepts the change in topic and shrugs casually, not really caring one way or the other. A cookie's a cookie, doesn't matter if it's crispy or chewy. Chi— whose been watching their conversation with a wide grin on his face, the utter bastard— hums softly, looking contemplative.
"I- I prefer them a bit softer, if that's okay..." he claims, looking at them both with wide eyes. Mondo agrees easily enough, since chewy cookies are fucking bomb too, and grabs the two trays without a word. He heads over to the oven and carefully places them both in, one after the other, not needing any instruction because it's super fucking simple. He sees Taka setting his timer on his phone (another thing Mondo had had to help him figure out a little while ago, the kid so fucking bad with technology it's actually super cute, not gonna lie), starting it as Mondo closes the oven.
Since all they have left now is to wait for the cookies to bake, Taka decides that it would be a good idea to chat with their classmates, wanting to see how their 'baking adventures' (as Taka calls it, the absolute nerd) went. Mondo again has no complaints, so he follows after Taka and Chi as they head around to chat with their classmates, trying their cookies when offered. To Mondo's mild confusion, Taka only takes a small bite of each cookie before handing it to Mondo with a sheepish smile, not finishing a single cookie. Mondo doesn't mind, figuring it has something to do with the kid's ma, and just takes the offered cookies without complaint. And anyone who gives them a weird look for it can fuck right off. They're fucking soul brothers. Ain't fucking weird.
(_Even if it is kinda an indirect kiss, but shit, whatever. Taka actually fucking kissed him not even twenty minutes ago, so he truly doesn't give a single shit. Whatever._)
Most of the cookies were shit anyway, so it's not like Taka's missing out on much. Only three were edible at all, really. Leon and Maizono's cookies were godawful, Mondo actually spitting that shit out immediately. They definitely put all salt, no sugar, goddamn morons. At least Mondo noticed his mistake before he put them in the oven that first time, even if he was unable to fix it. Leon had spoken to him briefly about something or other while Taka spoke with Maizono, sounding casual like he used to, so maybe shit isn't completely broken there, too. Leon and Chi also spoke together, which always makes Mondo feel fucking weird inside. Knowing Chi's secret makes their little dance more awkward to him. After all, Leon is straight, so if he were to get together with Chi, a dude, then… shit. Whatever, they can deal with that shit themselves, ain't Mondo's business.
Anyway, Fukawa and Togami were definitely the worst, as they didn't even have a cookie that was even slightly edible. They'd burned theirs to an absolute crisp, the goddamn idiots. He bets they just didn't care enough to set a timer. Togami even confirms that, shrugging and claiming he can just hire a caterer. Asshole. Taka hurries him onward before he can say anything to the douchebag, which is a little annoying, but prolly for the better. He doesn't know what he was gonna say, but he knows it wouldn't have been helpful, heh.
Anyway, Enoshima and her sister didn't even finish their cookies, Enoshima apparently tossing the dough in the trash with a roll of the eye when the class kicked the pair out. Whatever, not like he'd want to try them anyway. He wouldn't have put it passed the chick to poison them and kill their entire class. Seems like the shit she'd do. And while her sister doesn't seem as bad, she's still fucking creepy, and he has no real sympathy for her. If she didn't want to get caught up in her sister's horribleness, she should just fucking leave her. And yeah, he knows how fucking hard that shit can be, but… whatever. He honestly doesn't care.
The other three groups actually managed to make something edible, at least, though none were truly 'good', in Mondo's opinion. Yamada and Ludenberg's batch tasted alright, but was very dry and crumbly, which Mondo didn't like much. Taka whispered to him that it likely was because the artist had experience making pie, but Mondo has no idea why that would matter at all, so he just nodded along and shrugged, not really caring.
Sakura ended up paired with Hagakure, for some fucking reason, and the pair made a decent— if horribly bland, thanks to Sakura's beloved protein powder (seriously who puts protein powder in a fucking /cookie/, what the hell)— cookie that wasn't god awful, but that Mondo didn't particularly like. The chick told them that Hina's been teaching her how to bake, which Mondo thought was nice for them. It gave him a hint of an idea, his eyes darting over to Taka, but he didn't say anything about it then. Maybe some other time.
Finally, the only cookie that tasted like a fucking /cookie/ was Naegi and Kirigiri Jr.'s, which was baked nicely and had good flavor. The only reason he wouldn't call theirs 'good' is because he's still slightly bitter about the pair shoving him in a closet a couple months ago. Never let it be said that Mondo isn't a horribly petty bitch who holds grudges like a goddamn motherfucker when he wants to, heh. There's also the fact that Naegi had mentioned earlier that he would bake cookies from the bag with his ma and little sister, which made Mondo's insides clench. He hates hearing about functional families. Makes his insides bubble. Ugh.
But now that they're done going around and testing cookies, they've still got to wait for theirs to finish. Which Mondo fucking hates, since everyone is fucking /staring/ at them, fucking /judging/ him, and if the cookies don't finish soon, he swears to fucking god, he's gonna—
*DING!*
Oh, thank Christ. Mondo follows after Taka as he hurries to the oven, the kid looking super fucking excited, like the nerd he is. Mondo follows after at a much more sedate pace, grabbing some oven mitts once he gets there to grab the cookies. He follows Taka's instructions to place them down on the cooling rack, smirking at Taka's obvious excitement. Heh. So fucking cute.
Unfortunately, now that their cookies are done the fucking vultures come over. Mondo stiffens as their entire class wanders over, not liking the attention as they all stare at his cookies with judging eyes, his stomach clenched as Hina does her stupid fucking 'pumped up' stance, looking at them with a grin. Ugh. He hates this shit. While he usually doesn't mind being the center of attention (he even loves it when he's with his fucking gang), he hates people staring at him, waiting for him to fucking fail. Shit's the worst.
"Wow, those look and smell suuuuper good, guys! I bet they taste fantastic! Yay!" Hina enthuses, giggling slightly as she looks between him and Taka. It takes all of Mondo's self-restraint to not stiffen up and glower at her. The fuck does she mean by that, huh?! She just waiting for him to fail, is that it?! Fucking shit…
Mondo remains tense and uncomfortable as the group begins chatting to one another after that, bright and happy. He knows that the rest of them have started becoming friends, the group spending more time together either on text or in person, but Mondo can't deny that he's still a bit anxious around most of them. He's never been the most social person, slow to warm up to new people and resistant to group dynamics that he's not previously aware of. It makes it hard to really get close to the group as a whole, really. If it weren't for Taka, he's not sure if he'd even want to try.
He scowls when Hina asks Togami and Fukawa to join their group chat, something he /definitely/ doesn't approve of. He fucking hates Togami. Fukawa isn't much better, but at least she mostly keeps her opinions to herself. Togami is a raging douchebag and if Mondo could get away with it without upsetting Taka (or getting arrested, which would prolly upset Taka more, honestly), he'd totally punch the dick in the face. Ugh.
Now, to Mondo's displeasure, they have pretty much everyone in their class in their stupid group chat, since someone added Yamada and Ludenberg a few days ago. Only Enoshima and her sister aren't in the chat, not like he cares. If they wanted to participate, maybe they should stop being giant assholes. Food for thought, ya know? Even without them he knows that the group chat is going to become a monster to deal with soon, but whatever. He doesn't tend to text the group often, since his phone is shit at texting. Sometimes he'll steal Taka's phone if he wants to say something, the kid smiling at him indulgently and not minding much, but otherwise he tends to keep out of the discussions. Prolly for the better. He doubts they want him there anyway. If it weren't for Taka, they prolly wouldn't have included him at all. Not like he cares.
Anyway, after a couple of minutes of random ass conversation, Taka declares that the cookies are cool enough to eat, and like the vultures they are, everyone tries to scramble forward to try them first. Mondo immediately rectifies that shit and glares at all of those fucking bastards, grabbing the first one himself. He then— feeling so fucking queasy inside— turns to Taka with a sheepish smile, hoping his nerves aren't super fucking obvious.
"Here... uh, ya can try it, if ya'd like," he mutters, cheeks heating up. Taka's cheeks turn pink as well, his eyes wide as he looks down at the proffered cookie. It makes Mondo's insides clench, more so when he feels everyone's fucking eyes on him. Jesus Christ, can't they get a fucking hobby or something?! Shit… he tries not to focus on it as he looks at Taka, not wanting to explode over something so fucking simple. One step at a fucking time…
His nerves skyrocket when Taka grabs the cookie with the brightest fucking smile, bringing the cookie up to his lips without a hint of hesitation. Mondo knows he's staring too intently, knows he's prolly making Taka uncomfortable, but he can't help it. He made this shit for Taka, wanted to prove he could do basic shit like this, and if he fails here… yeah, Chi was helping out, but he was the one measuring the ingredients. If it's shit, it's entirely his fault, and he knows it.
His entire being feels taut and ready to shatter as Taka's eyebrows furrow, his lips pulling down as he thinks about shit. Goddamnit. He knows Taka is only doing it because he's thinking, he always does that kinda shit when he's thinking, but it doesn't help his nerves one bit.
"Well? Whatcha think?" Mondo questions after a few moments pass and Taka is still silent, his nerves prolly super fucking clear in his voice. It seems to startle Taka from his thinking, at least, as the kid blinks and looks over at him, looking surprised. After a moment, Taka begins to smile brightly, giving him an enthusiastic thumbs up with the uninjured hand. S-shit…
"It tastes amazing, kyoudai! You and Chihiro did a wonderful job! I am very proud of you both!" Taka enthuses, grinning brightly. It actually takes Mondo a second to comprehend what Taka said, as unexpected as it was. He was honestly expecting the kid to try and be kind, but clearly not like it, like last time. This, though… shit. Does he… does he actually like it…? Mondo can't see how he possibly could, but… shit. Scowling lightly, Mondo begins shaking his head, positive that Taka must just trying to be nice or something. He highly doubts he managed to make something edible, not after how much he fucked up last time.
"Aw, shit, y'ain't gotta bullshit me, kyoudai. Can handle criticism like a man, shit," Mondo mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. However, to his surprise, Taka just shakes his head quickly, giving him a look that absolutely reeks of sincerity. Huh…
"I am not joking, kyoudai! I always tell the truth, so I mean it truly! Here, you should try!"
Mondo watches— with some measure of shock— as Taka holds out the cookie around his mouth, looking so fucking earnest it's not funny. It makes something warm bloom inside his stomach, but he forces himself to not focus on it as he leans forward to take a bite, assuming the kid wants him to do that, since he's holding it higher than he had when giving him cookies earlier. Yeah, it's a bit different now since everyone is watching them, but why should that matter? They're close. If people think it's weird that they share cookies, then fuck them. Ain't weird at all.
He gets distracted from that as the flavor of the cookie hits him, his eyebrows furrowing as he tries to tell if it's actually shit or not. He doesn't know much about taste and shit, to be honest, his palette or whatever it's called basic as shit. However, as the flavor hits him, he realizes… it ain't bad. In fact, it might actually be kinda… /good/. It's very sweet (which might have to do with the fact he accidentally dumped more sugar than asked for into the scale and decided to say fuck it and keep it, figuring extra sugar would be good for a /sugar/ cookie), but Mondo actually kinda likes that. The butter is also fucking fantastic, making it a little salty and gooey and shit. And the texture is pretty good, too, very soft and chewy. Overall, it's super fucking good, and Mondo is absolutely shocked he managed to make something like this. Yeah, he just followed a fucking recipe, but so did the rest of these chucklefucks and yet /their/ cookies weren't this fucking bomb.
So fucking shocked that Taka hadn't been lying to be nice, Mondo finds himself lighting up, his face visibly brightening. Ordinarily such a thing would make him nervous as fuck, not wanting random ass people to see him looking like this, but as shocked as he is, he can't help it. He'd wanted to make something bomb but hadn't ever thought he would. And yet…
"Holy shit, yer fuckin' right! Shit, man, ain't ever made anythin' edible before, let alone fuckin' good... hell yeah!" Mondo exclaims, feeling oddly /proud/ of himself, for once. Obviously, he gives a lot of credit to Chi, he did a lot of help too, but he knows he was the one responsible for measuring shit. That's kinda an important job, yeah? And he didn't fuck it up like he thought! It's actually pretty fucking good! Despite everything… despite his fears and anxiety and self-hatred and all of it… he still managed to make something better than just decent. Jesus. What a crazy goddamn world he lives in, huh? Shit.
"You've made cookies before?" Togami's dry voice suddenly cuts through the silence, bringing Mondo back to the present, realizing suddenly that /everyone is fucking staring at him and judging him, oh fuck/.
Feeling embarrassed, Mondo turns to scowl at the fucking billionaire, hating the condescending look on his face, like he's fucking /better than him/. Goddamn fucking rich asshole, thinking he knows shit about him when he sure as fuck doesn't…
"Yeah? The fuck is it ta ya? Can fuckin' make cookies if I fuckin' want!" Mondo growls, feeling super annoyed and uncomfortable. He hates interacting with Togami. Fucker is the absolute worst. Especially when he just keeps looking at him all condescendingly, eyebrow raised in derision while he shrugs. /Asshole/.
"No need to be crude. It was simply a question," Togami drawls, looking over at Taka for whatever fucking reason. Mondo doesn't say anything in return, though, knowing it would make shit worse if he did. Instead, he just huffs angrily, crosses his arms across his chest, and sulks a little, stupid ass pride thoroughly ruined. Ain't like making a decent cookie means shit anyway. He's a goddamn /biker/. Biker don't bake and shit. And he fucking /can/, if he wants to, but… shit. Whatever. What the fuck ever…
Mood decidedly negative, Mondo watches dispassionately as Hina bounces over, looking at his cookies with interest.
"They really do look good, Mondo! Can I try one?" the swimmer questions earnestly, smiling at him with wide eyes. Mondo doesn't fucking care. With a careless shrug, Mondo grunts, eyes dispassionate and detached. He doesn't care if these fuckers like his cookies or not. He doesn't. Whatever.
Hina doesn't seem to let his lack of enthusiasm get her down, though, as she grabs one of the cookies and brings it up to her mouth without delay, taking a large bite. Mondo can feel his heart start to beat fast when her eyes widen, the grin on her face brightening, an enthusiastic nod following soon after. Shit…
"This is sooo good, guys! You two did a wonderful job! Yay!" Hina exclaims after she swallows, taking another bite immediately. It takes him aback to hear, even after tasting it himself, and he just shrugs when everyone else shuffles forward, looking at him for permission. His face then blooms red hot as everyone takes a bite and lets out enthusiastic noises, smiling their approval at him. Fuck, even /Togami/ looks mildly impressed, eyebrows raised as he takes a bite, holy shit. When Naegi compliments both him and Chi on their success, Chi just happily shakes his head, smiling brightly at him with shining eyes.
"Mondo did most of the work," Chi claims happily, not seeming to mind passing on the praise. "I mostly did the mixing while he measured out all the ingredients. He should get most of the praise!"
It's around then that the discomfort starts to rise within him, the praise too fucking much. Shit, he just… he just measured shit out and put it in a bowl… it ain't like it was fucking rocket science. Yeah, it's kinda nice to have people say he didn't fuck up for once, but having it be for something that wasn't that impressive in the first place is just… iffy to him.
It surprises (and delights) him when he feels a gentle hand touch his shoulder, knowing instinctively who it is that's touching him. Looking over, he feels his heart clench at the tender look on Taka's face, and he doesn't even try and stop himself as he wraps his arm around Taka's waist, pulling him close to his side, not caring what their classmates think. Not even Togami and his fucking eyebrows. Ain't anything weird about this. There just ain't.
Finally, everyone finishes the cookies they tried, and Hina calls them all to attention with a bright smile.
"Well, that was a really good first attempt everyone! For those of you who enjoyed baking, feel free to text me later and we can work out a schedule for learning some more complicated recipes! And for those of you who found you didn't like baking too much, that's okay! We also need a few people to help run the booth during the festival, as well as some people to make the signs and posters! We have to leave soon so that the kitchen staff can get dinner ready, but I'm always available to text!" Hina exclaims, her hands up in her 'I'm so pumped!' position. Togami scowls at her as she finishes, crossing his arms in annoyance.
"What, you couldn't have told me that earlier, before wasting my time like this?" he scoffs, shaking his head. Hina pouts at him, giving him a disappointed look.
"Aw, but it wasn't a waste of time! It was a good bonding experience! Plus, it's always good to try something new! Even if you don't like it, it's good to know for certain that you don't!" she states, smiling again. Togami doesn't seem to agree with her, but he doesn't argue. Instead, he just sighs and shakes his head again, saying nothing else. Thank fuck. While Mondo kinda sees his point, it wasn't like this was a complete disaster. Well… for the most part.
"Well, I thought it was a fun time, Hina," Naegi pipes in with a bright smile, like the kiss ass he is. Hina seems to appreciate it, as she grins in return, looking 'pumped' and shit.
"Yeah! See? Anyway, like I said, we gotta get going soon. Don't worry about cleaning up, I can do that! Feel free to take your cookies with you if you wanna! And don't forget to text me with what you wanna do for the festival!"
With that, the goddamn baking event officially ends, everyone grabbing their cookies with a promise to text Hina later. Hina waves goodbye as they leave, but Mondo doesn't move to leave. After all, Taka isn't moving, and if he knows his kyoudai at all (which he does, /fuck/ he does), the kid is prolly gonna hang around to help clean up. And like hell is he gonna make his kyoudai do that shit alone. Sakura also hangs around, and once everyone else leaves, the two of them head over to Sakura and Hina, the latter grinning at them happily.
"Aw, you guys don't have to help clean up if you don't wanna! Sakura and I can handle it. But we definitely would appreciate the help!" Hina says, smiling happily. Taka hums in response, nodding once.
"I don't mind helping clean at all! I happen to find cleaning very soothing!" Taka professes. And Mondo knows he's not lying. The kid genuinely loves to clean. Mondo finds it a bit unnatural, not gonna lie, but hey. If he likes it, he likes it. Not like he's gonna complain, especially not when it makes his room cleaner than it's even been, even if he keeps some hint of a mess for his own peace of mind. His snort of amusement seems to hurt Taka's feelings, so he makes sure to smile softly at him, never wanting to hurt the boy at all.
"Yer such a nerd, kyoudai," he chuckles, reaching out and ruffling Taka's hair. Taka wrinkles his nose at the action, cheeks pink again, batting at Mondo's hand lightly. Fuck, is the blush nice… Taka is always blushing these days. Mondo can't say he doesn't adore it…
"If desiring a clean environment makes me a nerd, then I will proudly call myself such!" Taka replies with enthusiasm, so fucking cute he can't help but chuckle again. God, he's so fucking amazing… how anyone can look at this precious as fuck boy and not immediately _love_ appreciate him, Mondo doesn't know. He truly doesn't.
Hina also finds it amusing, Mondo guesses, as she giggles and twirls a little, before bouncing over to the counter with excitement.
"Okay! If you both wanna help, then I'll gladly accept! Four hands are faster than two!"
/More like eight hands are faster than four/, Mondo thinks sarcastically, but doesn't say as the four of them spread out, each pair heading to an opposite side of the kitchen. Once at the counters, Mondo follows Taka's lead and begins wiping the counters down and throwing the trash into the nearby trash cans.
It honestly isn't that bad, Mondo will admit, since a lot of their classmates had already cleared most of their garbage while waiting around for all the cookies to be finished. It's mostly just spilt flour and ground in cookie dough that comes off easily with some muscle and force. He can actually understand a little why Taka enjoys cleaning so much, as there is something oddly soothing about watching a mess disappear thanks to his actions. Still, it's a very boring, monotonous task that he personally doesn't enjoy, but will put up with if it helps Taka out. He'd do anything for Taka.
About fifteen minutes after they started, the quartet is finished, nothing taking that long to clean up. Well… other than Togami and Fukawa's fucking station. Jesus fucking Christ was that a pain in the ass to clean. Since they'd not put any fucking grease or parchment paper down, the cookies burnt to the tray, making it a bitch and a half to scrub off. Taka managed to do it after soaking it in some warm water and dish soap, but still. Fucking assholes. At least they're done now and can move the fuck on to other shit. Thank fuck.
The four of them converge by the cooling racks, Hina waving them over excitedly, a bright grin on her face as she twirls. She's always so full of energy, Mondo thinks absently. Like a golden retriever or something. It's kinda cute, he supposes, but he bets it'd be exhausting to be around constantly. Sakura must like it, though. Good for them, honestly. Must be nice.
"Yay, we finished in enough time! Thanks sooo much for the help, guys, you definitely made it go a lot faster!" Hina grins. She doesn't wait for a reply, though, before turning quickly to the cooling rack where Taka's chocolate chip cookies still sit, looking at the sweets intently. "Anyway! Do you think I could try one of your cookies now? I know one of your sheets fell, so if you wanna keep the rest for yourself, that's okay! It's up to you."
Mondo looks over to Taka to see the kid's response, wondering what he'll say. No one else had asked to try Taka's cookies, likely since they all knew one of his sheets fell, but Mondo had wondered if Taka would agree if someone asked. Kid is so fucking accommodating, he figured he might. And while the kid had offered him the rest of the cookies, Mondo isn't enough of a jackass to hold him to that. They're still Taka's cookies, he's the one who fucking made them.
However, Taka looks over at him after a moment, head tilted in question, looking anxious about something. He's biting his lip, which is still bright red with recently spilt blood, a question in his eyes. Mondo thinks about it for a second, wondering if Taka is deferring to him, before figuring the kid is, shit. With a shrug, Mondo agrees, not really caring one way or the other. Warmth fills him at the thought of Taka caring enough about him to remember his offer, and to defer to him before giving the cookies away. It's… sweet. Super fucking sweet. Kid sure is a goddamn miracle…
"Yeah, go 'head an' take one," Mondo states. Upon seeing Hina's confused look, he explains with a wry grin. "Heh. Taka ain't a fan a' cookies, so he gave 'em ta me, but it ain't a problem if ya an' Sakura want one or somethin'."
Mondo honestly doesn't know what Taka's issue with cookies is, really, but he figures what he said sounded better than anything else he could say. Hina seems to understand it, at least, as she reaches out to grab a cookie, biting into it immediately. Soon after, she's letting out a happy noise, eyes bright as she looks over at Taka.
"OMG, Taka, these are sososo good! You /have/ to make these for the bake sale, they'll blow everyone's minds! You're an /amazing/ baker! C'mon, Sakura, you have to try this!"
Hina holds out the cookie for Sakura to take a bite of, and while the chick had claimed earlier that she doesn't like sweets much, Sakura dutifully leans down and takes a thoughtful bite of the cookie. Mondo doesn't think much of the action, noticing it was similar to what he and Taka did earlier, but not really caring much. Ain't like it matters. He and Taka are close, obviously they do shit like that. Ain't a problem.
"Hina is right, these cookies are quite exceptional, Taka. The slight bitterness of the chocolate offsets the sweetness of the sugar nicely. Excellent job," the martial artist claims, smiling at Taka slightly. Mondo looks at Taka and smirks at the flustered look he finds there, something so fucking adorable about the pink cheeks and the awkward yet still decidedly pleased smile. So fucking cute, god…
"A-ah... thank you both! You are much too kind!" Taka exclaims, a light blush on his cheeks yet again. Fuck, is it endearing… ugh. Sweeter than the fucking cookies, his kyoudai is… shit.
Mondo's thoughts get interrupted when Hina begins speaking again, her words a lot more faltering than before, sounding hesitant and uncertain. It makes Mondo's eyes dart to her immediately, not liking where this might be going…
"You said you learned to cook from your mom, right? That must have been nice... my mom and dad are awful cooks, though they try!" Hina giggles, though Mondo knows she doesn't mean her words lightly by the way she looks at Taka. Shit… Mondo looks at Taka too, hoping that he'll be okay with this line of conversation. Taka has spoken about his ma a couple of times before, but each time has been wrought with pain. He hates seeing Taka in pain. He truly does. It just gets worse when Hina continues, completely serious now, no hint of lightness in the tone. Shit… "Um... you were very close to her... weren't you?"
Mondo holds his breath as he watches Taka freeze, anxiety rising inside him as he looks. Fuck, he hopes the kid is okay… he knows how fucking shitty it is to be asked about someone you lost, knowing intimately the pain that shit brings up. It's why Mondo hardly ever brings the kid's ma up, knowing it hurts, knowing he would do anything to prevent the kid from being hurt. Even a little. Even a hair. He watches the kid, looks for any sign of discomfort, and if he sees one, he'll extract him from the conversation immediately. He fucking /swears/.
However… after a tense moment, Taka frowning and stiff, discomfort plain in his expression… the kid relaxes. He still looks a little stiffer than normal, but he's smiling now, a slight, little thing, but clearly there. Mondo is still tense, still staring at his kyoudai with worry, but he doesn't try and say anything, not when the kid looks like he can handle it.
"A-ah... y-yes, I was. Um... very. H-heh... f-for the longest time, she was my only friend, you know... aha. B-but it- it was nice to bake! It helps me... helps me feel closer to her, in a way. Thank you for the opportunity to do so!"
The kid seems to mean it when he says that— his body relaxing further with the words— so Mondo lets himself relax as well. Honestly, he gets it. He feels the same way when he's with his gang. Everything reminds him of Daiya there, of the brother he lost. And it always hurt like a bitch at first, but over time, it got easier to manage. To remember the good times, not just the pain. But Mondo doesn't want to think of Daiya now. This shit isn't about Mondo. It's about Taka. He should fucking remember that.
Focusing back on the moment, he watches as Hina smiles gently at Taka, nodding her head enthusiastically.
"Oh, I know what you mean! I was always super close to my grandma when I was younger, since my parents were often away on business trips. My little brother and I would spend weeks or even months at her house while our parents did their work. She's the one who taught us how to swim, actually, and was always suuuuper supportive of my talent! She, um... she died last year, and it still really hurts to think of her, but whenever I'm swimming, it's like she's still with me, you know? Like she's there, cheering me on! It helps me stay focused when things seem hopeless and all. I, um... I know it's not quite the same, since she wasn't my mom and all, but um... yeah. How, um... how old were you? When she..."
Hina trails off, frowning gently as he looks at the ground, seeming to realize how invasive that fucking question was. But Taka doesn't seem to mind. He just looks thoughtful when Mondo looks over at him before a sad smile blooms on his face. But he doesn't seem upset. That's… that's good, Mondo guesses…
"A-ah... I was eight. It was right before the spring, mid-March. S-she... it wasn't sudden, she'd been very ill for a while, but... well... it's always sudden, I suppose, no matter how much time you have to prepare. I'd woken up one morning and she... hadn't. And it- it /hurt/, and it still does hurt. But! The pain helps me know that she's still with me, that I am not forgetting her! So... it's something."
Taka pauses, pain rife on his face, though he doesn't stop long. He just takes a deep breath, looks at Hina with a frown, and keeps going.
"But, ah... grief is not a competition, my friend! So, it is unwise to compare your grief with my own, as everyone grieves differently! I'm glad you are able to remember you grandmother fondly, though! Did she... is she the one who taught you how to bake?"
Hina blinks in surprise at the question, but recovers quickly enough, giggling and shaking her head. It helps relieve some of the unbearable tension in the room, though it doesn't help Mondo much. His insides are still clenched up, fists in tight balls as he tries to ignore his own stupid ass pain. /This ain't about you/, he reminds himself forcefully. /It's about Taka. You asshole/.
"Oh, haha, nope! While she was a pretty good cook, she never really taught me much about cooking, since it wasn't really a passion of hers. She more taught me about sports and swimming and such. No, I learned to bake from the mom of my first boyfriend! She's a really nice lady and I still call her sometimes when I need someone to talk to, you know? She is a professional baker and she is /really, really/ good at baking. Oooh, I know! I can have her send over some treats for us to enjoy one of these days! We still need to have our girls day in, remember?" Hina giggles, looking at Mondo with bright, somewhat teasing eyes. It makes Mondo scowl reflexively, but he can't put his heart into it. Not when his mind is stuck on something the chick had said that bugs him. He can't quite put his finger on it at first, frowning as he mentally thinks through the statement a couple of times, before realizing all of a sudden what she said that bugged him.
Boyfriend. She… she fucking said /boyfriend/. Which is…
Shit.
Fuck.
Goddamnit.
Mondo knows he prolly shouldn't ask, not wanting a repeat of Halloween, but… shit. He's so fucking confused, and he fucking /needs/ to know. He just… he…
"Uh, hold up a sec... did ya say... yer first boyfriend? I thought ya were... ya know," Mondo falters, before gesturing awkwardly between Sakura and Hina, eyebrows knitted close together with his confusion. The question causes an awkward, tense silence to rise between the quartet, everyone seeming to be waiting for something, though fuck him if he knows what. Finally, Hina hesitantly shakes her head, looking very confused and kinda nervous. Shit…
"Um... what... do you mean, um... gay?" she questions, head tilting. At Mondo's terse nod, she shakes her head slowly, still frowning. "Oh, uh... nope! I mean, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy being with Sakura and all! And I hope that the two of us work out in the long run, you know? But I'm not gay. I'm pansexual, which means I like people regardless of their gender! At least, that's what I call it... as long as they make me happy and like some of the things I like, then I'm good! I've mostly dated guys, and Sakura's the first girl I've dated, but I've known for a while what I am. That I like both, even if I'm in a relationship with one or the other. You know?"
Pan… what the fuck…? The fuck is the chick /talking about/…? 'Cuz, from where he's standing, it sounds like she /likes fucking both/, but that… that shit ain't possible. He knows Hina. He's known her for months now. She… she ain't bad. She's a nice chick. She… she can't… she fucking /can't/ like both, that… it ain't possible, it ain't… i-it ain't…
Only scum of the earth like both. Only monsters like both. Daiya told him that, in not so many words but Mondo /knows/ what he meant. Hina… Hina ain't either. So, she can't… she… he must be confused, mistaking what she's saying, that's gotta be it, it's gotta… gotta…
"That shit ain't real," Mondo blurts out, voice booming in the deathly silent room. Mondo can see Hina's eye widen with hurt, and it fucking guts him. Because… shit, he said that wrong, god fucking dammit… Sakura glowers at him menacingly, drawing up to her full height (a few centimeters taller than him, which is saying a lot since he's tall as shit), clearly pissed off, and Taka… Taka is looking at the three of them nervously, eyes darting back and forth, nibbling his lip absently. This, more than anything, makes him want to revise his statement, grimace on his lips, head shaking. Or… maybe clarify. Because he didn't mean to hurt anyone. He really, really didn't. He just… he's just…
"No, uh, shit. I ain't mean it like that. Just... ya can't like both chicks and dudes. Ain't really a thing, ya know? Daiya, my big bro, he... he always told me it was one or the other. Not both. So, like... ya used ta like dudes but now ya like chicks or somethin'?"
He knows what he said isn't quite accurate, but he figures it sounds better than the truth— that his brother always told him that people who like both are monsters. Or confused. Or… shit like that. It changed, based on the day. Mondo believes all of it, though. Daiya said it, so it must be true. It has to be. It must.
Hina doesn't seem to like it, though, her eyes on the ground, her shoulders by her ears, and her cheeks pink. It makes him feel like shit, not wanting to have hurt the chick, but before he can even try and say anything else (not like he knows what the fuck he'd said, but still), Sakura is speaking, her voice a low growl, warning thick in the tone.
"Owada, saying a thing like that is very hurtful. I assure you, it is very much possible to like both men and women at the same time. I, myself, do. I am bisexual, which is similar to pansexual, but gender does play some factor in my attraction. Just because I am currently with Hina and she is with me doesn't mean we cannot feel attraction towards people of different genders. It simply means that we will not pursue any other relationships while we are together, similar to how straight people can feel attracted to people other than their partner while still being monogamous. It is very rude to suggest otherwise."
Sakura is glaring at him, now, but Mondo doesn't know what the fuck to think. Bisexual…? Pansexual…? What the fucking fuck are either of those fucking things? And yeah, he /knows/ it's possible to like both, but that shit isn't fucking allowed! It's not… it isn't… it's fucking /bad/ to like both. Okay?! He's not meaning to be rude, but it's just… it's just not good. It's not good, it's hurtful, it only ever means you hurt people, hurt… h-hurt… y-you can't be faithful if you like both, you can't be a good partner if you like both, you can't… y-you /can't/…
Right…?
R… r-right…?
"No, the fuck? I ain't tryin' ta be fuckin' rude! I just... ya fuckin' /can't/ like both genders! Ain't a real fuckin' thing! Believe me, I'd fuckin' know! Ya like one or ya like the other. That's what Daiya always fuckin' /told me/, an' he always knew shit like that! He... he was always so good with the ladies, an' he knew everythin' 'bout everythin'. He was like a fuckin' genius or somethin', always easily knowin' the shit I could never hope ta fuckin' figure out. If he said ya can't like both... then ya fuckin' /can't./ Don't know what the fuck that means fer you two, maybe it's different fer chicks, but I... s-shit..."
Mondo trails off, his insides hurting, not knowing what the fuck to do or think. He's still not telling the truth, /knows/ he can't tell the truth, hopes that this is enough. Maybe it is different for chicks. Daiya never mentioned that. He only ever mentioned dudes. That dudes can't like both without being monsters. Maybe… m-maybe with /chicks/ it's different. Chicks can do shit dudes can't. They can hit both genders, dudes can't do that. Maybe it works the same with liking both, he doesn't know! He… he doesn't… h-he doesn't…
Mind blank, Mondo watches through unseeing eyes as Sakura takes a step towards him, eyes flashing and anger bright within her. Maybe she'll hit him, he thinks distantly. Maybe he wants that. Maybe it would be better. He can't hit back, so there'd be no shame in him getting hit over and over, until he bleeds bright pink all over the clean tile floor. Maybe he deserves it.
Before Sakura can make good on her unspoken promise, Mondo hears Hina let out a soft 'oh!', like she figured something out. He turns his unseeing eyes onto her, watching as she takes a hesitant step forward, blocking her girlfriend unintentionally. Or maybe it is intentional. Hina is smarter than anyone gives her credit for. Maybe she understands more than she's letting on. Who knows. Who fucking knows. She places a tentative hand on his shoulder, looks at him earnestly, and he's so fucked up inside he can't even tense up. He can just stare at her, eyes wide and full of emotions he shouldn't be showing so easily, his breath shaky and frantic, knowing he's fucking shit up but not knowing /how to make it stop/. He… he never knows how to make this shit stop… he… he wishes he… he could… he…
"Oh... oh, Mondo, you don't know... hm..." Hina mutters, like she's talking to herself. Mondo can only stare at her, terrified to find out what she's seeing when she looks at him with her critical eyes, what she notices, what she thinks. Mondo says nothing as he stares at her, as she stares at him, as they stare at one another, the world silent and still as he awaits whatever she has to say to him. And then-
"Mondo... have you ever thought that maybe... just maybe... your brother was wrong about this? I mean, I know he means a lot to you, and I'm not trying to go against him! I promise! But just... you /can/ like both boys and girls, you know? If you- if you want to, that is. If you feel attracted to them. Guys can feel attraction to both. And it's okay to like both. It... it's /okay/," she stresses, sounding so fucking serious it's not funny. But he can barely hear her. His chest is tight, his breath is rapid, and everything within him feels like it's adrift at sea, crashing against the shoreline again and again, no reprieve. Because… because she… she said that… that…
That it's okay… to like both, to… if he… it's /okay/, she says. If he wants. And god, /god/, does he want. He hates himself for wanting. For thinking. For daring to think he could go against Daiya. But as he looks at Hina, as she looks at him, he… he wonders if maybe… m-maybe…
But no. N-no, no… n-no. It… she can't… she doesn't /understand/, she can't… can't understand, she doesn't… she can't… she… s-she…
All of a sudden, Mondo remembers something. It was from a long ass time ago, so long he barely remembers it. Or maybe it wasn't that long ago, maybe he still remembers it every time he goes to sleep with Taka in his arms, but he sure as shit has done all he can to forget. God, does he wish he could forget.
He had been a few months shy of fourteen. There had been… a new recruit. Mondo doesn't remember much about him— /can't/ remember much about him— but he… he thinks he was kind. Funny. Suave in a way Mondo could never hope to be. He was a couple years older than him, and he reminded him a bit of Daiya, but different. Not that that makes any sense, but it had at the time. At first, Mondo thought that's why he felt drawn to the dude. He was like his bro, of course he'd like him.
But…
But then they spent more time together. Daiya had tasked him with training the new recruit, a bit of responsibility, responsibility Mondo didn't want but couldn't reject without appearing weak. He'd not liked it, but the dude had made it seem easy. Simple. The dude was just /cool/, and Mondo felt drawn to him in a way he'd never felt drawn to anyone. Not a dude, not a chick… anyone. He hadn't known what it meant. Not then. He'd been too young. Too naive. Too fucking /stupid/, god.
It was a month after meeting the dude that it happened. Mondo doesn't know why it happened. It never should have happened. He and the dude had just been shooting the shit in his room at their hideout, laughing about the training Mondo had been doing, the dude teasing him in a way only Daiya was allowed to do without risk. But Mondo hadn't minded when the dude did it. He never minded.
At one point they'd began tussling, a halfhearted wrestling match where the dude tried to get him into a headlock and Mondo fought tooth and nail to not be caught, but it had been playful. Nice. Mondo's heart had been racing in a way it never had before, and he'd looked at the dude in a way he'd never had before, and the dude looked at him in a way no one else ever had before, and… a-and…
It shouldn't have happened. It never should have happened. Mondo shouldn't have let his eyes dart downward, never should have let the dude's hitched breath affect him. He never should have felt the heat in his belly, never should have had those fucking /thoughts/. He never… n-never…
But he did. He did, he did, god, /fuck/, he did. And then, before he could stop himself…
He'd begun leaning in.
He doesn't know why. Doesn't know what had been going on through his head. But he'd done it, had wanted it, and… a-and…
And it was as Mondo's face was mere centimeters from the dude's, eyes firmly on his /lips/, that the door to his room burst open, causing the two of them to jump apart anxiously. Mondo's eyes had turned wide as he turned to face the door, heart pounding strangely in his chest. It only got worse when he saw the frozen face of his brother standing there in the doorway, his lavender eyes fixated on where he and the dude had just been.
Mondo has no idea what the fuck had been going on in his head when Daiya turned to face him, expression more blank than he'd ever seen it before, the man coldly telling the new recruit to get the fuck out, right the fuck now. Which the dude did immediately, tail between his fucking legs like a coward, not sparing a single glance back. Not that Mondo cared. His heart had been frozen in his chest, eyes intent on his terrifyingly blank brother.
"The fuck was that?" Daiya had asked softly, a low rumble hidden beneath the words that made Mondo want to tremble. But he wasn't a coward, wasn't fucking /weak/, so he curbed it and did his best to casually shrug, hoping that if he just played it off, Daiya… Daiya would stop looking at him like that, like… l-like the way their old man used to look at him, like he was gum on the bottom of his shoe, useless and pathetic and /disappointing/, and-
"The fuck ya mean? Wasn't fuckin' nothin'," Mondo had muttered, aiming for casual but ending up just this side of desperate. He'd watched— something a little like /fear/ creeping up his spine— as Daiya's eyes flashed, the anger that Mondo rarely ever saw rife within them. It… Mondo hates to think it, hated thinking of it then, but it… i-it reminded him so fucking much of their old man that Mondo couldn't help how he clenched up, breath shuddering out as Daiya took a step closer to him, more menacing than he'd ever seen the man before. Directed towards him, at least.
"Don't ya fuckin' /lie/ ta me, kid! I know what I fuckin' saw, you… the fuck have I always told ya, huh? The /fuck/ have I always fuckin' said? One. Ya gotta fuckin'… ya… shit. Ya don't wanna be like /him/, do ya? Do ya?!"
Daiya took another step towards him then, and it was in that moment that Mondo realized his brother was drunk. He reeked of it, of stale whiskey and booze. It made Mondo's eyes water, the stench triggering old memories of /him/, their old man, half passed drunk and a hundred times meaner because of it. It… it /terrified/ Mondo, made him feel impossibly young, and he shook his head rapidly, needing Daiya to know that he… he was /wrong/, wrong, Mondo… Mondo wasn't like that piece of shit, he… he wasn't… wasn't…
"N-no, the fuck…? I- I ain't… I ain't fuckin' like him! Ya don't understand, it was just… it was nothin'! We didn't fuckin' do nothin', I ain't… I- I ain't-"
"Ain't what?" Daiya had interrupted, voice a low growl, like it was when he'd go up against a rival gang leader, wanting to show that fucker who's boss. He'd never taken that tone to Mondo before, though, no matter how frustrated he got at him. And Mondo, he… he felt so… s-so… "Like him? A pathetic, disgustin' /monster/ like him? 'Cuz I don't know if that's fuckin' true. An' I think ya fuckin' know it. Think I don't see it, huh? Think I don't see the way yer /exactly/ like him? Think I don't see the anger, the- the… the goddamn, fuckin' /rage/?! Shit, kid! I've spent thirteen goddamn years a' my fuckin' life tryin' ta prevent ya from bein' like that jackass, think I don't see him in you?! Think I don't know /exactly/ what the fuck you are?! I do, Mondo! I fuckin' know, I know, an' ya don't even fuckin' /try/ not ta be like him! I try an' teach ya the fuckin' rules, shit ya gotta do ta /not/ be like him, an' ya don't fuckin' listen! Ya never fuckin' /listen/, god fuckin' damn you! Yer just like him, an' it fuckin' terrifies the shit outta me, an' ya don't even fuckin' care! I've wasted thirteen goddamn years a' my life on you, an' ya don't! Fuckin'! Care!"
Daiya had been crowded against him, screaming, like he would towards a rival gang leader, and Mondo had never felt so much /pain/ before. He'd been unable to stop the tears that flooded his eyes, spilling over for the first time in goddamn /years/, lids closing to try and hide the pain that Daiya's hate filled eyes caused inside of him. He'd felt so weak and ashamed, heart shattered fully at the words his brother had said. H-he… he wasn't… h-he didn't wanna be like him, didn't wanna be like that /goddamn bastard/, and he- he thought Daiya saw that, saw how hard he'd been trying, trying to be better, to be /more/, but there… t-there, he'd gotten proof. Proof that his brother didn't see it. Proof that his brother didn't /care/. Proof that… t-that… that it wasn't enough, /he/ wasn't enough, he'd never… never fucking be enough… he'd always be like that goddamn motherfucker, abusive and explosive and /wrong, wrong, so fucking wrong/, and his brother… D-Daiya, he… he saw that. Saw it, knew it, /feared it/. Mondo was tainted from the inside out, something /wrong/ with him, something twisted and evil, something /vile/. And Daiya saw it. Daiya… D-Daiya saw…
Mondo heard, heart aching harshly, as Daiya let out a soft curse, and he tensed his body, waiting for the blow. He… his brother had never hurt him before, never laid a fucking hand on him, but in that single moment, Mondo feared it. Feared it, feared it, was terrified of it. Terrified more because he knew he /deserved it/. For not being what his brother wanted him to be. For not being able to do the simple shit his brother asked of him. For not… n-not…
"Mondo… L-little Diamond, I… I… s-shit, the fuck am I doin', I- I didn't… J-Jesus Christ, I didn't mean… I- I didn't… I…"
Mondo listened as Daiya stammered, body still tense, eyes still closed, pathetic tears running down his face as he tried to make himself as small as possible. If it were anyone else, he'd have started swinging, anger flaring bright inside him, but he couldn't hurt Daiya, could never hurt Daiya, he loved Daiya and he- he couldn't fucking hurt someone he loved, he couldn't, he /couldn't/, he… he wasn't… he wasn't like him, he… h-he wasn't… he wasn't…
Mondo tensed more when he felt warmth against his forehead, tentative fingers brushing his cheek, and it took every ounce of strength inside him to not fucking flinch like he'd been hit, stomach tied in angry knots. He didn't open his eyes, couldn't fucking stand seeing /his/ eyes staring back at him, angry and full of rage, hating him for his very existence, enraged lavender that whispered to him all that he was. A blight. A mar. A fucking waste of goddamn space that the world would be better off without. That… that /Daiya/ would be better off without…
"Shit, shit, Mondo, I… I didn't fuckin' mean it. Okay, kid? I… I didn't… it ain't true. The shit I said, I… I know it ain't. Y'ain't nothin' like him, ya fuckin' hear me? Ain't a goddamn, fuckin' thing like him. Yer too fuckin' good ta be anythin' like that asshole. Ya care so fuckin' much. I see ya, savin' those fuckin' cats from the street, givin' our limited money ta the dudes on the corner. He never fuckin' woulda done shit like that, not ever. He never fuckin' woulda cared, not like you care, my little Diamond. Ya… y'ain't like him, ain't ever like him, even if ya do like… l-like… shit. Y'ain't ever gonna be like him, ya hear me? Not fuckin' ever. I'm so fuckin' proud a' you, kid, so fuckin' proud, I promise. Please… please fuckin' believe me kid, please… please…"
Mondo had been shaking, eyes still clenched shut, listening with an aching heart as Daiya spoke softly to him, meaningfully. Ordinarily, Mondo would have immediately began nodding his head, rolling his eyes a little at the sappy as fuck words, but in that moment he… he'd not been able to. Not been able to nod, not been able to /accept/. Because… b-because…
Because it was a lie. A goddamn, fucking /lie/. And Mondo… Mondo knew it. He knew it, he knew it, he'd always known it. He… he was just like their old man. Abusive and shitty and angry all the fucking time. He'd been worse recently, though, his anger flaring brighter and more vivid than ever before. He didn't really know why, still doesn't, just knows that everything inside of him had felt so on fire and angry and hurting and he couldn't help but let it out, burning everyone in its wake, not just those who fucking deserved it. It didn't help that the anniversary of their ma's death had been coming up, Mondo's remembered pain and inadequacy burning him from the inside out, but it wasn't just that. He knew it wasn't just that.
Part of it… part of it, he thinks, is because it was around the time when Daiya first started mentioning that he wanted to retire. It hadn't been anything concrete then, just small, wistful comments of the life Daiya wanted after he passed the gang onto Mondo to lead, but it had /terrified/ Mondo to even think it. To think that he'd one day be the sole leader of their gang, responsible for it all. He'd done his best to ignore that shit, to pretend that it didn't scare him, but he could never escape the reality that it /did/. Scare him. /Terrify/ him. And suppressing that shit always made him angrier, his fear turning to rage, masking his uncertainty and terror perfectly.
But it wasn't okay. It… it wasn't /okay/, he… he wasn't okay. And maybe… m-maybe that's why he took such a strong interest in that random fucking jackass. Maybe that's why he looked at him longer, /wanted/ him more. The dude made him feel… okay. Calm, in a way he'd never felt before. He'd smile, and he'd laugh, and it made his insides bloom into a nest of freshly hatched butterflies, or however it is butterflies are made. He made Mondo feel /okay/, for once. Like maybe he… he mattered… kinda like how- how Taka makes him feel…
But it was wrong. Wrong, wrong, so fucking wrong. And Daiya made him perfectly aware of /why/. And in that moment, eyes shut tight, heart shattered fully in his chest, he… he knew he couldn't be like that. Like /him/. He'd… he'd let himself slip far too much recently, let himself grow too fucking /complacent/, as Taka would call it. He didn't like dudes, he liked chicks, and that was fucking that. He was better than his anger, better than his emotions, better than /him/. Daiya was right, he was exactly like him, which is why he'd have to try harder. Harder, harder, infinitely harder. He couldn't allow himself to grow /complacent/. Couldn't allow himself to be that weak. He had to be so fucking aware, knowing how easy it was for him to become /him/, to forget Daiya's teaching and become the monster lurking underneath his skin. He didn't want that. He didn't. He didn't.
That was the one thing Daiya had been wrong about, hadn't known. Mondo… Mondo /did/ care. About being like him. He… he cared so fucking much. So much he'd lie awake at night thinking about it, his head too jumbled to let him sleep, running over and over and over the similarities between him and his old man. Wondering, wondering, wondering if that's why his ma was so indifferent to him, so nothing, because she didn't want to waste her time and love on a monster that was just like her monstrous husband. Wondering if she saw it in him, from the moment he was born, kicking and screaming and fighting into the world. Did she look at him, fresh from the womb, and see the goddamn anger that would one day consume his life? Did she look at him, see that anger, and decide she /didn't want that/? Didn't want /him/? Did she… s-she… was it his fault? Was it always, endlessly, exclusively /his fault/?
He didn't know the answer, would /never/ know the answer, but he knew he couldn't keep on this fucking path. He had to learn to contain his anger again. To let it only burn those who deserved it, since he was too fucking pathetic to learn how to fully control it. He'd have to… have to do better. Be better. To learn how to stuff it down again and not disappoint Daiya, like he always disappointed everyone.
And he'd have to stuff /that/ down too. The- the way he felt whenever he looked at that dude. The wriggling in his gut, the /wrongness/. He'd always told himself that it wasn't anything, that it meant nothing since he was straight and /only fucking straight, he didn't like both/, but he knew that wouldn't fly anymore. Daiya… Daiya only needed one fucking look to know the truth about him, know what it meant, and Mondo knew he had to do better. To be better. He didn't like dudes, didn't think about them, didn't /want/ them. That random recruit meant nothing to him, didn't make his chest flutter, didn't make his skin flush. Or, if he did, then… then that didn't mean anything. He liked chicks. Women. Ladies. Breasts and pussy and pillowy lips and… and… not dick. Not fucking dick. So, it couldn't mean anything if he felt it because he- he wasn't his old man. And he refused to ever be.
Mondo doesn't quite remember everything that happened after that, the memory a bit spotty, but he thinks he and Daiya spoke a bit more after he made his decision, his brother looking at him sadly, stabbing Mondo's heart. He knew Daiya blamed himself for what happened that day, knows that Daiya spent months trying to 'make up' for it by being more lenient than ever, walking on fucking eggshells around him, but Mondo knew it wasn't his fault. He'd just been speaking the truth. It wasn't his fault that Mondo was like their old man. It wasn't his fault that Mondo wasn't fucking good enough. It wasn't his fault that Mondo was a fuck up who could never do anything right.
Mondo spent the next several months carefully controlling himself, doing everything he could to not let the rising anger engulf him completely, following Daiya's rules to a fucking tee. He beat the shit out of that new recruit, ignored the pain in his heart as he saw the bruises he'd created, and he stuffed that part of him down, down, down, so far down that he'd never see it again. Never /feel/ it again.
Not until he met Taka, of course.
And now everything he's tried so very, fucking hard to stuff down and hide is coming up again, his secret shame splayed open for the whole world to see. As he looks into Hina's eyes, the swimmer trying to tell him that it's okay, that /he's okay/, he… he feels…
But it's wrong. Wrong, wrong, endlessly, infinitely /wrong/. She… she doesn't understand. Why it's not okay. Why dudes can't like other dudes, not while also liking chicks. She doesn't /understand/ why… why /Mondo/ can't like dudes, not when he also likes chicks. She can't understand, no one can ever understand. They didn't grow up with his goddamn old man. They didn't have to listen as he fucked men and women indiscriminately, their ma crying as she wondered what she did wrong. They didn't have to watch the depraved male lovers swagger out of his old man's room, reeking of sin and depravity, as vile as his old man was. Hina… she doesn't understand why /bisexuality/ for men is wrong, why it's always so perverted. She… she doesn't…
And so, he… he pushes it away. He shakes his head, frantic and forceful, and he shuts off the emotion that rose inside his chest when he thought that maybe, just /maybe/, there didn't have to be something wrong with him. That maybe, just… just /maybe/, he… he is… is…
_Is allowed to love Taka the way he desperately, desperately wants to love him._
But that's ridiculous, so ridiculous, and he makes sure the swimmer knows this as he begins to speak.
"No. N-no, y'ain't... yer fuckin' /wrong/. Ya can't... D-Daiya... h-he always fuckin' /told me ya can't/, he fuckin'... h-he said that I could- f-fuck. He said that /people could/ only like one or the other. That ya had ta fuckin' /choose/. W-whenever I would- shit. Just... he ain't fuckin' wrong. He was the smartest fuckin' person I ever knew, outside a' Kiyo. S-so... he's gotta be right. An' I don't give a fuck 'bout you an' Sakura, ya two can be whatever ya wanna be, ain't none a' my fuckin' business. But... but you're /wrong/. 'Bout... 'bout dudes bein' able ta... a-an' I don't... I don't fuckin' wanna hear anythin' else, got it? Just... I ain't gonna tell ya what ya are an' aren't, ain't my fuckin' place, but don't try and tell me I'm fuckin' wrong. Hear me? I... just leave it the fuck alone."
The statement started out angry and forceful, a Biker Gang Leader through and through, but by the end Mondo's true colors show and his pathetic nature is displayed. Begging, /pleading/, needing the chick to understand and leave him the fuck alone. He can't do this shit. His face is wavering between his cool mask and his true nature, and he fucking /hates it/. Hates it. Hates himself. He should be better. Should know better. All these years and he's still as fucking pathetic as he was back then. Daiya saw it. Daiya always saw it. Daiya wasted his life on Mondo, wasted /everything/ on Mondo. Mondo wasn't worth it. He was never, ever worth it. Mondo only realizes that he's still staring at Hina when he sees her expression shift between horrified and pitying, and it's too much for him. He hastily turns his eyes to the ground, hating being stared at like that, hating everything. He just… he wants… h-he /wants/…
The awkwardness gets broken a few moments later by the door of the kitchen opening, the chefs and cooks who make them dinner filing in, breaking the moment between the quartet at last. Mondo feels no relief from it, though, and he realizes suddenly that he has to /go/. Now. Right the fuck now, he has to leave and just… j-just… shit, he doesn't know, he just needs to be /away/. Now.
Not thinking at all, Mondo turns and bolts from the room, not bothering to wait for Taka like he normally would. He hates himself for it, but then, he hates himself for everything, so what's one more piece of hatred added to the pile? He doesn't think about anything as he strides out of the room, body resolutely facing forward and eyes not straying from his path. One foot in front of the other, that's all he has to do. Don't think about what they just talked about. Don't think about leaving Taka behind. Don't think about anything, anything at all. He can't. He can't. He /can't/.
He reaches his room quickly, to his immense relief, and he enters the room as fast as he fucking can. He can't stand the thought of people seeing him like this. Of knowing just how fucked up he is. He needs… he needs to be /himself/ again. Himself. Not this pathetic, weak, godforsaken child he truly is, but /himself/. The /himself/ he's been cultivating for years. Years and years and years. He's forgetting himself here, in this school, surrounded by Other. He's forgetting who /himself/ is. He needs to… needs to remember, he can't… can't keep doing this, he must… m-must…
He's in the bathroom before he can think, grabbing his hair supplies messily, not caring about Taka's organized system (_he cares, he cares, god, god, he cares_), grabbing his comb to roughly comb through his tangled curls. He forces himself to think of nothing as he works on his hair, his breathing heavy, labored, everything hurting inside of him.
At some point, early on, he hears the doorbell ring, his body stiffening up as he stares wide-eyed at his pathetic expression, knowing he can't go and answer that fucking door. He waits with bated breath to see what will happen, wondering if the person will ring the bell again, but after a minute nothing happens, so Mondo assumes it's fine for him to go back to fixing his hair. Which he does, hands only shaking slightly as he begins styling his pomp, knowing he can't do shit until he's /himself/ again. He just… he needs to be himself again. Please. Please.
Please.
Before long, his hair is back up, and it doesn't take much longer than that for his kohl to be on, as sharp and fierce as always. As he looks at himself in the mirror, he feels something relax inside of him, his breath shuddering out. He wonders why he ever went out in public without his usual look. How fucking stupid of him. So goddamn, fucking stupid. His classmates all prolly thought he was a moron, judging him, always judging him. He's not going to make that mistake again. He… he fucking /can't/, he… h-he…
He moves to grab his duster and rushes outside, hand flying to his keys, needing a break to go and think for a minute. Dinner is in a little over half an hour, and while part of him doesn't want to, he knows he has to be back by then. He… he can't leave Taka that long. He can't hurt the kid more than he already has. He won't be able to do much with the time constraint, but he can prolly reach the highway and drive fast for at least a few minutes. It's better than nothing. Fuck, it's better than nothing.
It's been too long since he last went on a long, fast ride, he thinks to himself as he mounts his baby, breath shaking pathetically. He needs to do it soon. He… he needs to… shit. Shit, he doesn't know. He just… he needs to remember who he is. He's gotta. He can't fucking forget. He knows what happened the last time he forgot and he just… h-he… he can't…
Mondo drives. He drives. He drives, and he drives, and he drives, but it's not enough. Not long enough. He wants to keep driving forever, to drive to the ocean, to stare at the turbulent water below him and remember who the fuck he is. But… he can't. He fucking /can't/, not when he has to turn back after only fifteen goddamn minutes, his chest aching at the abrupt end to his ride, but he can't skip out. Taka needs him and he can't… c-can't… so many things he /can't/. How the fuck can he do any of them? He's not good enough to do any of them, let alone all of them. He's not. He's just… not.
He's pulling into the parking lot far too quick, everything off inside of him, but it's not like it matters. It's not like /he/ matters, not like his fucked-up bullshit has ever mattered. He storms through the halls with a carefully controlled expression, daring anyone to stop him. No one does, though he passes a few of his classmates who give him curious, worried looks. Not like he cares. Fuck them. Fuck all of them.
Once he reaches Taka's room, he finds himself… freezing. He knows he should ring the bell, knows he's gotta fucking man up and ring the bell, but he fucking /can't/, like he can't do anything. The dinner bell rings and still he stands there, eyes wide, breath shuddering, hands shaking. Weak, so weak. He forces himself to close his eyes, taking a deep, even breath. Then he takes another. And another. And another, until the panic stops consuming him, until he feels fucking /human/ again. He can still feel it under his skin, his mind numb and aching, but he forces it away as he lifts his hand and rings the doorbell, knowing he has to do this shit. Even if it makes him nervous. Even if it makes his heart stupidly race. Even if… if… shit. Even if.
It takes a few moments for the door to open, though Mondo barely notices. He's so fucking nervous, stupidly nervous. He's never been this nervous about seeing his kyoudai before. It's… he shouldn't be so fucking nervous. He really shouldn't.
When the door finally opens, Mondo doesn't know what to think. He gives himself a single second to collect himself, eyes on the ground like a pathetic child, before he looks up with wide eyes, heart racing to see Taka standing there, looking like he always does. Soft. Kind. Gentle. /Beautiful, so fucking beautiful/. And he shouldn't think that. He really shouldn't. It… it's not good to think shit like that. He shouldn't… he shouldn't…
But he can't stop. As he looks at Taka, he can't stop thinking about how beautiful he is. Because he is. Beautiful. It's just… an objective fact, something that no one with a brain could ever deny. He doesn't think even Daiya could look at this boy and deny that he's fucking beautiful as sin. The thought strangely settles something in his heart, his eyes softening as he looks at his kyoudai, smile tender upon his face. There's a strand of hair in Taka's eyes and Mondo can't help himself as he reaches up to brush it back, the feel of the kid's skin under his fingertips helping to settle him even more, the roiling under his skin less noticeable now. It's still there, like it's always there, but now he can ignore it and focus on what's really important. Which is Taka. Always Taka.
"Hey, uh, Kiyo... sorry ta bounce on ya like that earlier. Just, uh... hadta do somethin' real quick. Wanna go an' get some food? I'm payin'," Mondo mutters with a nervous smile after a moment passes, not thinking before speaking, like usual. He doesn't mind it, though. Something about asking Taka to have dinner with him makes his chest ache, but it's fine. Fucking… fine. It gets more fine when Taka nods mutely, looking a bit dazed. But it's fine. All… all fine.
The pair begins walking through the halls after that, not saying anything, and Mondo can't help the mild tension he feels. He hates it, hates feeling nervous around Taka. And so, even despite the tension within him, he finds himself reaching out and snaking his arm around Taka's waist as they reach the dining hall, loose and easy to break out of if Taka wants. But Taka doesn't. Instead, all Taka does is briefly tense up, before melting against his side, as easy as always. It helps settle something inside Mondo, his grin more natural on his face as the two of them head to the line for the kitchen. And if he feels eyes on him, he mentally tells them to fuck the hell off. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. It doesn't matter if people think that it's weird for him to be so close to Taka. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks at all. All that matters is this. Being close to Taka. Being near Taka. Simple as that.
Dinner itself is nice, too, once they make their way through the line and find a table of their own. He was able to get Taka an expensive meal without the kid complaining for once, some spicy tuna sushi platter that the kid fucking /loves/. As he watches Taka enthusiastically eat the sushi, his eyes bright and his smile genuine, he feels everything inside of him fully settle for the first time all day, the roiling under his skin quiet enough that he can ignore it completely. The sight makes him feel so soft that he can't help the soft smile that rises on his face, adoring the way the boy lets out little happy noises every so often, cheeks rosy. He's so fucking expressive and Mondo loves it. Loves… s-shit, never mind.
Anyway…
They sit by themselves during the meal, their friends giving them some space, which Mondo appreciates. They usually will sit with at least one member of their little friend group during meals, and while Mondo doesn't tend to be opposed, there's something super fucking nice about being able to sit with Taka by himself, talking about his gang or whatever other random nonsense pops into his head, not having to worry about other jackasses barging into the conversation. Taka never judges him for the shit he rambles about. Other people always think it's weird when he rambles on and on about bullshit, judging him for it, but Taka doesn't. And it's just… nice. And if he can't deny that this feels exactly like a fucking /date/, then he'll just ignore it. It doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. He's not… h-he /ain't/… it doesn't fucking matter. It just doesn't matter.
Before long they finish their meals, and they exit the dining hall together, Mondo placing his hand low on Taka's waist again, though this time he means it. He's smiling as he looks at his kyoudai, as he leans down and whispers softly into Taka's ear, more random ass bullshit that Taka doesn't call him out on. People are watching them, /judging them/, but Mondo doesn't fucking care. What they think doesn't matter. Taka is his kyoudai and he can do whatever the fuck he wants with him. Fuck propriety.
Before they can head back to Mondo's room for their usual nightly routine, Taka asks to stop by his room, wanting to grab the cookies they both made as well as his book. Mondo has no complaints to that, so the pair heads to Taka's room first.
As they enter, Mondo can't help but notice the replica of his baby that Taka keeps on his counter, front and center. It makes Mondo smile, stupidly happy to see that Taka keeps it somewhere so prominent in his room, somewhere that everyone who enters his room will see it. It reminds him that this… whatever /this/ is isn't just him. It's… it isn't just him. With this in mind, he can't help how he steps closer to Taka, who he sees is also looking at the hog, the kid's eyes soft and smile content. Mondo looks back at the replica of his baby, so many emotions rising up inside of him that he can barely contain them. It's hard for him to believe sometimes that he and Taka have only really been friends for about a month and a half. He feels like it's been years. It feels like it's been forever. He… god, does he want forever…
Mondo can't keep his eyes off Taka for long, though, and soon he's looking back down, meeting scarlet red. A jolt of /something/ flows through him at the charged glance they share, the wide eyes before him holding galaxies of emotion that he knows he'll never be able to fully understand. God, does he want to learn, though.
The moment gets a bit too much for him, though, and he mutters to the kid that maybe they should hurry up. Taka jolts out of his fugue and nods quickly, heading for his desk, where he'd left the cookies and his book. He grabs them and then they're off to Mondo's room, his chest aching softly, but not too bad. Not too bad at all.
Once in his room, Mondo heads over to his DVD collection to pick out the movie of the day. It's funny how fucking often he watches movies these days… he used to hate that shit, the idea of sitting still for an entire movie agony to him. But when sitting beside Taka, holding the kid close, mumbling his own ideas and thoughts of the film into the kid's ear… it's honestly like heaven. So fucking relaxing and shit. And as long as Taka doesn't mind, he sure as hell doesn't either. He maybe even likes it more than riding his hog, though he'd never fucking admit that to anyone! Well… except maybe Taka, if the kid asked. Mondo would tell Taka anything. Or… almost anything…
Anyway.
They spend the next couple of hours watching some more Disney movies, Taka enjoying them well enough. When 9:00 hits, Taka heads into the shower first like he usually does while Mondo cleans up the mess he made while they watched the movies. It helps to calm the anxiety that rises within him at the thought of sleeping beside Taka tonight. But why would he feel anxious about that? It's not like it means anything. It doesn't. It never has.
Taka finishes his shower as quickly as he usually does, the kid so fucking efficient it ain't funny. Despite the fact he took a shower earlier, Mondo enters the bathroom and starts the water back up, watching it sightlessly for a minute for no reason at all. He strips and gets in the warm water, his hair deflating quickly. He's quick to do his routine, not needed to cleanse his body as much as usual since he only did that shit a few hours ago. His hair needs more care, since he used his product twice today, which isn't good for him, he knows. He's half positive his ultra-strong hair spray is literal glue, not gonna lie.
As soon as he's done, he dresses in the clothes he picked out and heads into the bedroom, his armor off but not feeling afraid. Taka doesn't care if he's not all made up. Taka just smiles at him gently, eyes soft, greeting him with warmth. It's easy to be soft and warm back, easy to not worry about being tough or strong. Easy to be himself, but not /himself/. It's just… easy. Being with Taka is always easy.
After that, they work on some homework, because /of course/ they work on homework. Taka helps him out patiently and Mondo does his best to not die of boredom, but it works out. Eventually the curfew bell rings, and they head to bed together like usual, Mondo trying to ignore the racing of his heart as he lies down while Taka turns out the light. Then Taka is lying down, facing away from him, and Mondo debates for a split second whether or not he should pull the kid close like he usually does, but caves after a single moment. His chest settles when he feels Taka in his arms, the kid's back fitting against Mondo's front so naturally it's like he was born to fit there. And it's just… fuck. /Fuck/.
Now that they are here, however… it's hard not to think about earlier. The shit that was said. The shit that was /not/ said. The memory he hates to think of more than any other. The reminder of why nothing could ever happen between him and- shit. S… shit.
/Would it really be so bad, though/? a voice whispers in his ear, his breath halting at the thought. /Would it be so bad? Liking both? You could have everything you've ever wanted if you were. You could have everything. Hina said it's okay to like both. What if it could be? What if it could be okay? What if-/
Mondo shuts his eyes tight, fighting to keep his breath even, not wanting to disturb Taka. It's hard though. So fucking hard. These thoughts… he's always had them, always fought so hard to push them down. Of course it would be bad. It would make him more like /him/, and he… he can't… he's already so much like him, he can't have another similarity, he just /can't/. Liking both is fucking /wrong/. It- it's wrong, and immoral, and- and /bad/, and… and entertaining the idea is stupid and moronic and… and…
/Is it so bad, though…? What if… what if Daiya was wrong? Daiya was the smartest fucking person you ever knew, but… but what if… if…/
Shit. Shit. Just… /shit/.
God, he… he wishes he had someone he trusted to talk to about this… someone who never judges him, who would never judge him… someone whose opinion he values almost as much (or maybe even a little more than) Daiya's… someone smart, and knowledgeable, and wise, and-
Mondo opens his eyes and looks at the back of Taka's head, still slightly damp from his shower an hour ago. His insides are fucked up, his mind a mess, and he can't fucking /believe/ he's actually considering asking fucking /Taka/ about his fucked-up bullshit. That- he… he fucking /can't/ do that. Y-yeah, Taka never judges him, but… but… but /what if he does/…? What if this is the straw that breaks the backs of camels, or however that saying goes? What if… if Taka hates him, thinks he took advantage of him all this time, thinks he's- he's /immoral/ and /wrong/ and… and shit like that? What if… i-if…
/Would Taka really think like that…? He's always so compassionate. So kind. Would he really hate you for this? And… you don't have to tell him everything. Just… ask his opinion. See what he says. He's so fucking smart. He knows all about that letter group. He'll know if Hina and Sakura were right or not. If… if it is okay. If anyone would know, it's Taka. You know he would./
And it's true. It's… it's true. Mondo knows it to be true. Taka is so fucking /good/. He… he'd at least try to understand. Right? Not like there is anything /to/ understand! He's just… Mondo is just curious. That's all. Taka will understand that. He's always huge on learning for the sake of learning. If Mondo's careful… if he keeps his words easy and non-personal… Taka won't think it weird at all that he asks. That he's curious. If he's… i-if he's careful…
Before he can chicken out or talk himself out of it, Mondo is talking. It's late as shit, the kid is prolly fucking asleep by now, but that doesn't fucking stop him. Shit. Shit.
Shit.
"Hey, uh, Taka... ya still up?"
Mondo's heart races in his chest as the words penetrate the silence. He said them softly, so softly, but they still sound far too loud in the silent air. Like he shouldn't be saying them. Like he shouldn't be saying anything at all. Fuck… maybe Taka is asleep after all and didn't hear him…?
Unfortunately for him, Taka is indeed awake, his head nodding subtly against his arm a moment later, warm hand touching his gently. Mondo can't help how he twines their fingers immediately, the action instinctive at this point. It helps settle him, though. Taka always settles him. He's still freaking the fuck out, his insides aching horribly, but it's better than it was. So much better.
It still takes him a few moments to gather the courage to continue talking, though. Obviously.
"Uh. I just... ya remember the conversation earlier? U-uh... with Hina and Sakura?"
Taka nods again, squeezing his hand slightly to show he's listening. Part of Mondo wishes the kid would verbally respond, but maybe it's better this way. Less chance for him to get spooked and stop talking. Though… maybe that would be better… shit. Sighing, Mondo leans forward and presses his forehead to the back of Taka's neck, needing something to ground him, needing something to calm him down. He just… he needs to calm the fuck down. It's just a simple question. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't… i-it doesn't…
"They ain't... shit. They ain't right... are they? 'C-cuz... 'cuz Daiya always said... b-but I just... I dunno. Never, uh... never bothered questionin' it. If Daiya said it... must be fuckin' true. R... right?"
It's a lie. Obviously, it's a lie. Mondo thinks about it a lot. Too much, really. He never stops thinking about it these days. Daiya must be right, liking both /must/ be wrong, but… but Hina… a-and Sakura… and maybe it's different for chicks, but maybe… m-maybe, just… just /maybe/…
"I... I'm not entirely sure what you wish for me to say, kyoudai," Taka starts softly, tone hesitant and uncertain. It makes his heart race, terrified of what Taka is about to say, terrified that he's about to say that /no, of course they're not right, of course liking both is wrong, how can anyone ever like both, only monsters like both, you're not a monster are you kyoudai, I trusted you not to be a monster, I trusted you not to take advantage of me, I trusted you-/ "Because... well, because I cannot agree. Bisexuality, pansexuality... they do exist, I assure you. Many people in the world feel attraction to more than one gender. In fact, in some cultures such a thing is fairly common and is accepted! ... I- I do not know what your brother meant by what he said, but... but perhaps you misunderstood? I- I don't know, kyoudai. But... but it is a true thing. You can feel attraction to both men and women. It... it's real."
Oh. Oh. He… oh.
Taka… fuck, Mondo doesn't know what to think about this. Part of him wants to deny it out of hand. To say /no, you're fucking wrong, you're so fucking wrong/, to get up, to storm out of the room, to forget this ever fucking happened. He wants so badly to pretend like he's always pretended. To ignore, like he's always ignored. He wants… h-he wants…
But he doesn't. He… he doesn't.
/Is… is that Taka? He speaks so casually of it. So knowledgeably. Is that him? He ain't straight. You know that. He enjoys what you two do too much to be straight. But maybe he… maybe… m-maybe…/
Seconds pass. A minute. Mondo says nothing, mind frozen. His thumb absently rubs circles along a smooth hand, arm tight around a thin waist, saying /nothing/. But he can't be silent forever, the words are building within him. And then-
"Uh... s-shit... I fuckin'... Daiya always said... I dunno. Fuckin'... i-is- uh. Is that... is that what you are?"
Mondo can feel Taka stiffen in his arms, can feel his breath stutter. Mondo wonders if he misstepped. Maybe the kid is straight. Maybe he's been wrong this whole time. Maybe he's just projecting, seeing what he wants to see, pretending that he's not the wrong one, that he's not immoral, that he's not a fucking /monster/, that maybe- maybe… maybe he and Taka could be /even/, could be the same, could be-
"No."
The word is loud in the stifling silence, firm. Like the thought of it is so wrong it's not funny. Like the thought of it is disgusting. Oh, he thinks. Oh. Of course. He was wrong. He should have known better. He shouldn't have tried to infect Taka with his wrongness. He flinches, too pathetic to stop it, hating himself as much as he's always hated himself. He shouldn't have revealed so much. He… of course Taka doesn't like both, he's prolly straight, he prolly hates Mondo now, he prolly _knows the truth about Mondo now_, he prolly-
"No... no," Taka repeats, softer, gentler. Easier to hear. "I... I don't feel any attraction towards women. I am... I'm gay."
Oh. Mondo, he… oh.
It…
He's not surprised. He really isn't. It makes sense. Taka has never shown any interest in chicks. The few times Mondo would bring chicks up, the kid would get adorably awkward, eyebrows furrowed, like Mondo was speaking a foreign language. He stopped talking about chicks early on in their friendship, knowing his kyoudai found the topic uncomfortable. He's suspected this for a long, long time. Taka, gay. Taka, attracted solely to men. Taka, attracted to hi-
"Oh... uh... fuck. That's cool, uh... yeah," Mondo mutters, his shoulders tense despite himself. He doesn't have a problem with it. Taka, gay. He doesn't mind. He's suspected for ages. He's /known/ for ages. Since Halloween, really. Maybe longer. Maybe since that day in the hallway outside their dorms, before school even began, the kid staring at him in a way he shouldn't have, /seeing him/ in a way he shouldn't have. Mondo doesn't like to think that, though. Mondo knows he _looked at Taka the exact same way_ looked at Taka. He… he looked at Taka. He knows he looked at Taka.
_He shouldn't have looked at Taka. Now he can't for the life of him look away._
Mondo relaxes. He leans forward. He nuzzles the skin before him, squeezes the hand under his, laughs quietly. It's counterintuitive, he knows, but he's tired. He can feel how tense Taka is and he knows why. It's a lot, coming out. Mondo wonders if the kid has ever told anyone before. He wonders if he's the first. He… he wants to be the first. He wants to be Taka's first. He wants… he…
"Yeah. I, uh... I kinda figured, h-heh..."
Mondo should say he's okay with it. Should tell Taka he has nothing to fear. Tell Taka that he /knows/, he knows. Tell Taka that it's okay if he _loves him, loves him, it's okay if he loves him since Mondo loves him back, he does, he does_ likes dudes. Mondo doesn't mind. He should say that. He knows he should.
But he's always been shit with words. They don't come easy to him. He wishes they did, but they don't. By the time he has halfway thought through what he could possibly say, Taka is speaking, and he can't interrupt him. He just… can't.
"T-that... that doesn't mean that such a thing /can't/ exist, though! I- I mean... that people, both men and women, can't like multiple genders. It is very much possible and is very much a thing! I- I just... do not. I've tried to, with Hina and Sayaka, even Chihiro, but... a-ah..." Taka trails off, shrugging slightly in his grasp. Mondo hums, pulling Taka closer, thinking about what the kid is saying. Is it possible? Daiya always said no. Daiya was always so smart. Daiya always knew everything. Daiya…
But Taka is smart, too. Taka knows everything, too. If he says it's possible… if he says it's /allowed/… if… then. Then maybe… just maybe…
"I do. Uh... feel attraction towards women. Always have," Mondo mutters, voice low and rumbling. His heart races as he mentally finishes his statement, his mind deafening as he thinks /and men. I… I feel attraction towards men, too./
It terrifies him to think it, terrifies him to feel it, but as tired as he is… he can't find it in him to deny it. He likes men. He likes dudes. He likes fucking /dick/. He… he likes holding Taka in his arms, likes feeling his heat around him. Under his palm. He likes the desperate noises and the little moans. He likes Taka, needy and desperate Taka. He… he…
It's a lot. Overwhelming. He doesn't know what to think. If he should think. Taka is everything, he's always been everything, and it's a lot. He can't tell Taka. It's too much to think, let alone say. He wonders what Daiya would think if he saw him now, and a part of him wants to die at the thought. Daiya seeing him like this. Daiya /knowing/ what Mondo feels. Daiya… Daiya hating him for the way he feels.
He hates the thought of Daiya hating him.
_He hates the thought of shoving this all down again even more, though. It's been a long time coming. He knows the truth. He's always known it. It was always inside of him, just waiting. Meeting Taka just brought it to the surface, but he's always known. Always. Even as a kid. He… he knew. He always, always knew._
It's too much. This is all too much. And he's far too tired to think anymore.
With another soft sigh, Mondo leans forward and gently kisses Taka's shoulder, not wanting to stop himself. He breathes in Taka's scent, citrus, and he lets himself just exist. He knows what he is. Even if he doesn't want to, even if it scares him, he knows what he is. And he knows what he feels. And for this one moment… it's okay. He's okay.
He's okay.
"We should get some sleep, kyoudai. Hate fer ya ta be all tired tomorrow. Sorry fer... all a' the shit I did today. We, uh... we good?"
It makes Mondo anxious to ask, but he has to know. He fucked up so fucking bad today, in so many ways. If Taka hates him now, then…
"/Yes/, kyoudai. We... we are good. If... i-if you are good with me, then I am more than good with you."
It's adorable. How Taka said that. He must hate the improper grammar, Mondo thinks with a halfhearted smile. He wants to say something more, to say what he discovered, but it's better to sleep. He's tired. Taka is tired. Sleep is for the best. He hums again, nodding firmly, pressing his lips tighter to Taka's shoulder before quickly pulling away. Too much. So much. Not enough. Never enough.
"Yeah, we're fuckin' good, Kiyo. Just... let's get some fuckin' sleep. Don't know 'bout you, but I'm fuckin' /exhausted/. Bakin' is fuckin' hard an' shit..."
Taka laughs breathily at the statement, nodding as he snuggles down, hand still entwined with his own. It makes Mondo smile. Taka always makes him smile.
Always.
"Good night, Mondo. Sleep well," Taka mutters, clearly falling asleep even as he says it. Mondo's chest aches, the moment so fragile, and he can't stop what he says. He doesn't want to stop what he says. He doesn't know if Taka hears him, doesn't know if Taka is even awake, but he says if anyway because if he doesn't, he thinks he might literally explode. He… he just…
"G'night, Kiyo. Sleep well. I… I love you."
Taka says nothing in reply, his breathing even and deep, and Mondo thinks he didn't hear him.
It's prolly for the better.
_He regrets not saying it sooner.
He regrets not saying more.
He regrets everything.
…
He doesn't regret loving Taka, though.
He doesn't think he'll ever regret that._
(Taka has another wet dream that night, moaning his name in his sleep, and for the first time, Mondo can't deny that the kid is truly dreaming about him. Moaning solely for him.
The thought fills him with heat, and for the first time, Mondo doesn't look away when Taka wakes up. Doesn't back down.
He just looks at Taka and lets the kid see what he wants. Lets the kid feel his answering hardness, lets the kid see the heat.
God, he doesn't know what this means.
_God, does he desperately want to find out._)
