Misery. Anger. Hatred. Those are all what he could feel right now.

He was wrought by self-hatred to the point of wanting to draw his sword and just ending it. Or crushing his heart with Invisible Providence. Or bite his tongue. So many ways to die. So many ways he hated himself.

He opened his eyes to find himself laying on a bench in a beautiful well-maintained garden on a quiet, clear starry night.

"Pathetic.. So pathetic"

If only they knew of what he knew, he could only wonder how quickly everyone's opinions would change about him. To finally see him for how pathetic, useless, cowardly and utterly weak he is. How many times did they die because of him? How many times did they suffer because of his weakness? That's what he thought of himself.

Sighing to himself as he took in his surroundings.

"How long have I been here?"

Time loses all meaning to one who kept dying yet the entire world forgot about it. He tried counting how many times he "looped", which was a much fancier way of saying he returned by dying. Usually in a painful way, in fact he has died so many times he has even started a ranking of the most to least painful deaths he's had over the years.. Those damnable rabbits. But found he couldn't count the deaths as they were far too many to count.

He didn't really know when he lost count. Was it during the events on the Pleiades Watchtower? Or was it the aftermath of that? When he was teleported to Vollachia? Where he was forced to fight for survival every step on the way, alongside an amnesiac blonde archbishop loli and a blue-haired Oni that forgot everything, including her feelings for him. Though it did hurt to see her hostility towards him, it didn't matter as long as she was awake.

In the end with his "excellent sense of timing" according to everyone but him, he managed to beat all odds and finally returned home. Though it took him more time than he wanted, an entire year in a foreign country with a small number of allies and enemies at every corner. Forced to fight a war to reclaim a throne. It was all over when he finally managed to reunite with "Her".

Yet it didn't matter.

He had many desires, but one was more important than most. "Her" answer.

He thought he could finally achieve that one desire. He truly, utterly, desperately longed to hear it. Even after being gone for an entire year, he never stopped thinking about "Her". A half-elf who was purer than angels, but scorned as the vilest of devils due to her appearance. He rescued her when no one wanted to. He befriended her when no one wanted to. He went to great lengths to save her, becoming a knight for her. But the answer didn't come.

He had often mused to himself jokingly that he should try to find a way to attain immortality as a human. Since "Her" being a half-elf meant longevity which meant the answer could come in a century or two. Yet it didn't matter.

Even now with the selection finally over, and "Her" having recently won and was being treated with a benevolence that would make every half-elf blind from weeping in joy. The answer didn't come.

Drawing out a dark single-edged sword in excellent shape from its sheath, a parting gift from Vincent and Cecilius after the events of Vollachia. He began to run his fingers across the blade. As if caressing the only thing that could bring him solace, all the while staring at the stars as he began to reminisce about past events. Taking a deep breath to try and calm himself.

Here he was.

Subaru Natsuki raven hair with mean eyes. An ordinary man, with hardly anything noteworthy about him aside from the ability to reset time in a cruel way. All in order to erase the tragedies that seem to occur around his friends, with none but him knowing about it. Making The people around him amazed by his quick thinking and actions, without knowing the pain behind it.

His accomplishments did earn him many titles though. The one and only knight to a half-elf. Champion to a half-devil. Hero to an Oni who didn't remember his heroism. Lolimancer to a great spirit. Brother to a demi-human and a merchant. Butler to an eccentric magician. "Pathetic Barusu '' to a tsundere pink-haired maid. Sage Candidate. Slayer of Mabeasts and Archbishops. So many titles and more bestowed upon him, the first title is the one he was most proud of.

It hurts.

His face was wet. Sitting there Looking at the stars, his mind was busy sifting through memories he shared with "Her".

It hurts.

"Every single death up to this point. Did they matter? Was everything I did worth it? Was all my suffering a sick joke? Why..Why did this happen?" Muttering his thoughts aloud not caring if anyone heard him.

Thinking back to all his failed checkpoints and all the times he succeeded. It wasn't supposed to end up like this. His happy ending..

"WHY?!"

Drowning in misery. Burning with anger. Consumed by hatred. At himself and his weakness. At the world he was unwillingly summoned to. At the Sin archbishops he was forced to fight. At the friends who were the cause of some of his deaths. At "Her"...

Reflecting about the past events made him want to claw out his own heart to see if it still beat.

The entire world was silent except for "Her" voice in his head repeating their last words. It was as if waking in a tranquil world where he couldn't hear anything but knew he wasn't deaf. "Her" last words were blocking out every other sound. It hurts.

He was looking at the stars but he wasn't seeing. His vision was misty while replaying "Her" face. The way her mouth opened and her lips moved to form those last words. It hurts.

Soon after sounds of silent weeping broke the quietness of the night.


-Some time earlier-

The newly elected queen Emilia had approached him with the topic of "love". For the longest time she had no idea what it truly meant, that is until it was pointed out to her by her camp about how she couldn't stop thinking about Subaru when he was in Vollachia. How every day she woke up and was visibly sad and upset when he wasn't by her side. How she missed their banter and his usual teasing at her old way of speaking.

She was beyond happy when he returned from Vollachia, spending almost the entire time by his side, thinking he could disappear the moment he left her gaze. Unfortunately it was also a time where the royal selection was reaching its conclusion. And so everything had picked up the pace. So she asking advice from her camp, had resolved to answer him the best way possible.. Though it had to wait till after the selection was over.

There was also the confusing situation when Subaru returned. He was with Rem. A girl whom he always said he loved almost as much as Emilia, which made her feel slightly jealous. And there was also an adorable yet mysterious blonde little girl with demi-human teeth who had trouble with speech, but was calling Subaru "Papa" while also referring to Rem as "Mama". Which made everyone wonder as to what the relationship between Subaru and the blue haired Oni was.

Though that was quickly resolved when it became clear that Rem wasn't acting like the same Rem he had spoken about, atleast towards him. She was more neutral if anything. All because of the way he smelled. Spending an entire year with him, helped her attitude a bit though his smell always made her look at him in a repulsive way from time to time.

Emilia had been so busy when he came back, that she even missed going out to "daytes" as she called it, with him. He invited her several times on the month he was back, she had truly wanted to yet she couldn't leave due to obligations or just simply being busy. Which led to some severe misunderstandings in Subaru's case.

"I'm such a terrible person.. She's obviously busy and yet here I am being pathetic, what a scum" He ranted about himself. "If only I wasn't so useless. She would've already confessed to me by now..".

but luckily it was all averted thanks to Beatrice' vouching for Subaru that Emilia loved him. Which was a very unusual thing from the great spirit herself to say that to her contractor, but she knew how the half-elf was missing him almost as much if not more than she was. Though she told him mainly to stop his self-loathing rant. It seemed like not even Vollachia and its cruel nature could take away that annoying habit of hating himself and blaming himself for everything.

The weeks flew by and still no answer, although some dates here and there made up for it. She even made him a crown of flowers like the one he made her on their first date. Yet no answer was given. Although she was truly resolved to answer him when the opportunity presents itself fully.

After the selection was over and the Emilia camp won. Huge celebrations were had all over the capital, no one expected a half elf who was hated by the world for her appearance would end up leading an entire kingdom. Though it was all thanks to the feats of her knight that boosted her popularity through the roof.

By now the Emilia camp, who had won only a week ago, had moved into the palace of the former royal family in the capital. Which was a very huge building. But the most impressive thing was the garden. Impressive trees, beautiful flowers, bushes with all sorts of designs. Though for an astrologer like Subaru it was the best location to gaze on the stars on a clear night. And even though their location in the sky wasn't the same way as in his world, it was still a mesmerizing sight for him.

The night before the new queen Emilia, still in her first week as a monarch, was finishing her duties for the day. Which meant not only paperwork, but also talking with the spirits before going to bed. Subaru being Subaru meant he was there alongside her, especially for the last part as he liked how she looked literally like a divine being underneath the glow of the spirits.

They were talking to each other when finally she told him to meet her at the Garden the next day, at night. As she had an important announcement to tell him. Though it was obvious from her wording what the important announcement was:

"Promise me you won't be late Subaru. Or I'll be reaaaally dismayed at you" She explicitly told him.

Which prompted his usual teasing.

"No one says "dismayed" in this day and age" grinning at her pouting face

"But I promise I won't be a minut-NO a second late! I'll be there before you even think about being there Emilia-tan.. Ahh I can't wait to see you. Your angelicness shines brighter than the stars each day"

Which made her giggle at his usual response before affectionately calling him "dunderhead".

Heading back to their quarters while talking about everything that came up to their mind. Subaru had been talking to Emilia about some of the metias that existed in his homeland, which fascinated Emilia greatly wondering if she could introduce this "tee vee" to Lugunica. Eventually they reached their separation point where they said goodnight to each other. Both feeling excited for what is to come tomorrow evening.

As Emilia was getting ready to sleep, she felt more than heard a voice whispering something to her. It sounded very familiar, she quickly took several looks around before noticing nothing out of the ordinary. Assuming it was probably due to fatigue of settling in to her new position as queen. She shook her head off to clear out her thoughts before settling in to sleep.

Meanwhile Subaru was trying to sleep but couldn't, he had been excitedly telling his precious Beako all about his day, the gardens, his promise to meet Emilia and what he hoped she would tell him.

Eventually the conversation died and he tried to go to sleep by counting Emilia-tans in his head. The exhaustion of the day overtook him and he drifted off into a nightmare free sleep, a peaceful smile on his face.

The final night in which he felt on top of the world.


Though the royal selection was over at this point. There were some tragedies along the way, one camp in particular lost their candidate much too soon.

Anastasia had been the most recent of tragedies. Merely a couple of weeks prior to the selection's results. The Anastasia camp had been traveling to Kararagi to review on some shipments as well as secure new deals, and then travel back to Lugunica in time for the royal selection to reach a conclusion.

Along the way Anastasia had unexpectedly gotten sicker and sicker and was visibly pale. Even speaking was painful for her. Not too soon after they reached Kararagi, Anastasia became bed-ridden and was very weak, no one knew why, even the best healers they could find, couldn't help alleviate her sickness. The most likely theory was that her defective gate couldn't take it anymore, and so it was killing her. Her sickness was so sudden that everyone in her camp was in disbelief. While they all knew more or less about her defective gate, it was widely thought she would be alive for a few more decades, potentially ruling over Lugunica before dying of her illness.

The finest of knights was having a hard time keeping himself calm and collected in the presence of his lady on her deathbed. He had known the day would come one day, everyone in her camp knew. But he wasn't expecting it to come this quickly.

When Anastasia succumbed to her illness a day later, the grief felt by her camp was far too much. She had been like a mother for some of the younger ones, and despite her greedy nature, she had truly cared about her underlings. Her scarf spirit chose to die alongside her mistress adding more to the grief felt by Julius.

Her camp chose to stay in Kararagi, as she had the last name of Hoshin, and seeing as she was essentially a candidate for becoming a monarch, It was decided they would bury her next to the greatest hero of Kararagi. A massive funeral was held there. Soon after that the finest knight of Lugunica returned home to be alone in his grief.

The sudden news of Anastasia's death had spread around shocking the entirety of Lugunica, especially with her death being literally days before the candidacy's results to decide a new monarch was chosen. Her supporters which included many merchants and organizations were outraged taking to the streets in protests, with many thinking this was an assassination attempt. The royal knights were having a hard time keeping the peace.

Returning to Lugunica by this time the selection was over a few days ago. Julius couldn't keep himself in check. He looked pale and gaunt and as if he didn't sleep in sometime. A shadow of a beard was present on his face. An unknightly sight, but it didn't matter to Julius.

His sleep was always disturbed by her presence, which in turn made him wake up with tears on his face. He wasn't used to shedding tears. He didn't cry when his name was eaten and was forgotten by everyone including his lady, all except one that is. He didn't cry when he found out his lady was being possessed by her scarf spirit. He didn't even cry when he finally triumphed over his hero. Reid Astrea.

He had cried only on two occasions before this one. When he found out that he had a brother whose name and memory were eaten, and was sleeping like the girl who his friend Subaru had often mentioned. The other time was when he learned about the life expectancy of his lady.

Her death made the elegant knight lose his edge. He had been truly fond of her, possibly even fallen in love with her yet he couldn't find the time to confess his feelings. Holding his head in his hands he could only cry and regret what he wished dearly to say but didn't.

Back home without a purpose, with no lady to serve and no knightly duties to keep his mind busy, as he was ordered more than recommended to take some time to recover himself seeing as how tired he looked to everyone else. He was losing it. He wanted to drown his sorrows with alcohol, but his knightly virtues and upbringings kept that at bay. As he didn't want to be referred to as a drunkard and wanted to keep the finest of knights image for himself to honor the memory of the lady that chose him.

He knew he would be grieving for a long time but no one was there to help him. Most of the Iron Fang were either back in Kararagi, or overseeing the companies left leaderless by Anastasia. Felix was busy taking care of his lady as always. And Reinhard was hardly ever present in the capital, and if he was, he'd usually be busy looking after Felt and her bothersome former thieving trio of a retainers who were fondly nicknamed Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest by a certain raven hair.

Sighing to himself at the lack of distractions. He decided to train, jhoping it could bring a modicum of distraction. Perfecting his swordsmanship always brought him a sense of calmness. Although this time he was very unfocused on his style with his mind running multiple "What if" scenarios.

Cursing at the lack of distraction he was getting despite exerting himself physically. He wanted to throw away his sword in frustration at its failure to distract him from those thoughts.

When suddenly one of his mansion's maids spoke to him to tell him that he received a letter.

"Julius-sama! Please forgive my interruption of your training. But this came to you just now from the royal palace" the maid had said while bowing her head respectfully.

Julius took over the letter after politely addressing the maid, and began reading the letter. He was furrowing his brows as he was confused who'd written to him. The writing was formal yet there was no name signed at the end. Odd.

Mulling over who wrote it, he knew it couldn't be Subaru, as Subaru was hardly a formal person. Though he had truly enjoyed Subaru's company as well as their unique banter, despite their rocky start. He would never admit it to Subaru. Their special way of interacting was endearing to say the least.

He started to reminisce about Priestella and the trip to the Pleiades Watchtower, aswell as the people who accompanied him on that quest.

There was the great spirit of yin who was contracted to Subaru whom he referred to as "Beako'', which was a mockery on how to treat great spirits. And of course the lady Emilia who was so incredibly kind and pure that listening to her bell-like voice, would make you forget all the worries in the world. He had always thought that if his lady didn't win, then he would place his hopes in Lady Emilia winning, and smiled sadly at that thought.

Last but not least the pink-haired Oni Ram with her sharp tongue which he never got used to, although he enjoyed her offensive way of talking towards Subaru far too much.

The trip to the Pleiades Watchtower was some of the most fun and distracting events Julius has ever had..

Before shaking off these thoughts as the thought of having fun so soon made him angry at himself. Before resuming training.

Night time came and Julius was now trying to sleep, yet each time he closed his eyes he could see Anastasia. Sleeping was a hard process for him every night since that day.
That is until he felt more than heard something whispering. It sounded feminine but not one like his buds. He quickly scanned the room trying to locate the origin of the sound but saw nothing. Then simply discarded that as imaginations brought on by his grief and exhaustion. Before finally succumbing to a deep slumber.

A ghost was watching over a sleeping figure from a distance, smiling at the events that were going to unfold.


Author's Notes.

Hello everyone! This is my first story on fanfiction. I've been enjoying Re:zero fics for awhile now, there are some truly enjoyable, creative concepts and amazingly written stories around here. Hats off to the authors for coming up with these fun to read stories. They've inspired me to write my own story.

As said in summary. This story is mostly inspired by "A Lone Star" aswell as a couple of other fics to a lesser degree, as I found that concept interesting and it spawned several ideas.

I'm very new to all this so please forgive any OoC you may find during dialogues as I'm still learning, while also trying to keep the characters in line with the way this story is heading. Also I apologize in advance for any spelling errors you may find, as English is not my native language.

I'd appreciate any constructive criticism or genuine feedback I receive. But please don't be overly negative or toxic:p

Finally, without anything more to add. I Hope you enjoyed reading this. See you next time!