Written for Klaroline Valentine's Day Bingo 2020 kcvalentinesbingo

Prompt: I Never Loved a Man

Warning: Some angst. Also dick cake. Because who doesn't love a good dick cake? :)


Penises were hard. Really, really hard. Caroline sighed, adding more powdered sugar to her countertop before she tried rolling out the flesh-toned fondant again. She had a last-minute erotic cake order to fill for a luncheon tomorrow and given the high-profile event, she wanted to ensure every detail was perfect. And she wouldn't have time to dwell on all the things that went wrong with Klaus. Coquette Cakes had just started to take off when her asshat of a boyfriend decided to pick a fight with her that grew so explosive she tossed the entire drawer she'd set aside for his stuff out her window and blocked his number.

In the weeks since then, she'd become even more dedicated to her bakery, from obsessive cleaning to designing a bold new marketing campaign. Partnering with her friend Kat's male strip club to cater their monthly 'sweet cheeks' contest showed business-savvy, despite Klaus' underwhelmed reaction when she excitedly discussed her plans.

"I'm not a priority anymore; you're spending all of your time at the bakery." She'd been blindsided when Klaus accused her of not putting their relationship first; she'd hired extra staff before her budget could really handle the overhead in an attempt to cut back her hours. She'd even handed over two important cake projects to her staff so that she could attend a family retreat Klaus' mother and siblings invited them to at the last minute. It had been an entire weekend of skiing at a prestigious mountain resort while fielding invasive and often rude questions about her relationship with Klaus.

"You could've been vague about your profession." She'd had no idea he was embarrassed by her career. That had been made painfully obvious when he hadn't bothered to defend her from his family's thinly veiled barbs when they learned she owned an erotic bakery. His sister, Rebekah, had been especially gleeful in drawing crude comparisons between being a tart versus making them.

With an irritated huff, she reminded herself to use a delicate touch as she smoothed the fondant along the widest part of the shaft, carefully using the rounded edge of her modeling tool to tuck a loose flap underneath the testicles. Her inner 12-year-old giggled when she had to take extra care not to squish them — cake balls were almost as fragile as their human counterparts. In that moment, she was reminded again that she'd never have more fun at work than at her bakery. It was the best decision she ever made. Even if the price was her relationship. The Mikaelsons were elitist snobs and she was better off without them. Without Klaus.

But apparently not all members of the upper class were as judgy as Klaus and his family — this last-minute order was for a fundraising luncheon at the Mystic Falls Country Club. Who knew the pastels-and-pearls crowd would have a sense of humor? She'd just started painting a French-tipped manicure on the fingers encircling the cock when her playlist switched over to the song. Their song.


They'd been painting her bakery to get Coquette Cakes ready for the grand opening. Caroline was exhausted and stressed to the point that she'd burst into tears twice that day alone. She'd happened to glance at Klaus, suddenly fighting back a smile when she saw the little pink speckles of paint across his nose and dimpled cheeks. Aretha Franklin's "I Never Loved a Man the Way I Love You" started playing in the background and she impulsively leaned over and kissed him, smearing the bright pink paint across their faces.

"Don't ya never, never say that we we're through,

'Cause I ain't never,

Never, Never, no, no loved a man,

The way that I, I love you."

Klaus broke away, his accented voice a bit breathless as he said, "You've never looked more beautiful, sweetheart."

She giggled at his outrageous lie, but before she could respond, his tone grew serious as he confessed, "And I love you."

It was the first time he'd said the words, and she'd quickly told him the same, and they'd kissed each other senseless, laughing and swaying to the music.


She'd been so happy. It was when her hands wouldn't stop trembling that Caroline realized she'd been bawling hysterically. With a frustrated whine, she set down the delicate brush, momentarily giving into her sadness. One day she would be happy again.


Everything was perfect. The manicured nails she'd painted holding the penis were the ideal blend of crisp white and blush pink — matching the striped linen tablecloths and napkins folded into swans. The slight curve of the shaft down to the ribbon draped delicately around the balls were the flirty finishing touches her bakery had become known for. As she carefully rolled the cart toward the banquet area, she felt a flutter of excitement. This was the start of something big.

There was a collective gasp as Caroline pulled the cake out of its special crate, gently placing it as the centerpiece of the gilt-edged display table. She glanced around the airy room with its crystal chandeliers, gold leaf china, and impeccably coiffed attendees and felt a moment of uncertainty. She didn't fit in with women like these. Klaus' sister made that perfectly clear.

However, a sudden burst of tinkling laughter caught her off-guard, and she began to relax as it washed over the crowd; the women hiding knowing smiles behind manicured hands and playfully toying with their understated pearls. They were delighted. And also slightly drunk based on the seemingly endless pitchers of mimosas being served.

Distracted by the excited murmurs, Caroline didn't realize she was being watched until she heard a familiar scoff. "I suppose a subtle penis was out of the question."

Caroline whirled around, blue eyes widening in surprise as she took in Rebekah's flawless nose job and vintage Chanel. She realized she was gaping and finally said, "Subtle is a dirty word in the erotic cake business." Noticing that Klaus' sister didn't seem surprised to see her, she grew suspicious. "You knew I'd be here today."

"Obviously," she responded with a derisive snort, "I'm the co-chair of this committee. No detail escapes my notice." She gestured toward a door off to the side, indicating that Caroline should follow her.

Once they were away from the steady hum of the event, Caroline straightened her spine, steeling herself for whatever insults Rebekah decided to hurl at her. She flatly asked, "What do you want?"

"To apologize." Rebekah shifted uncomfortably at her sudden outburst, her voice uncertain as she continued. "I'm a bit of a bitch and my behavior that weekend was appalling. I'm sorry for the role I played in your breakup."

"I'm not doing this with you." She turned to leave, her tone flippant as she added, "Try not to choke on your dick cake."

"My brother loves you. He misses you terribly and has been absolutely miserable."

Caroline hated the way tears started to gather in the corners of her eyes despite her anger. "Seriously?! What makes you think I even care?"

Klaus unexpectedly stepped into the room, his clothes a wrinkled mess and looking so haggard and morose that she hardly recognized him. "Because I desperately need you to, sweetheart."