June 14th, 2004
Angel Grove, CA
Saying that an awkward filled tension came over our group after Nick's statement would be an understatement. I could feel everyone sort of tense up as the look on Tommy's face told me what I had assumed. I saw the instant hurt in his eyes and I knew that he hadn't realized that Nick was in fact the letter guy. I begged God to open up the Earth and swallow me whole right then and there. For him to just make me disappear or for me to be able to time travel to slap duct tape over my husband's mouth. Trini's mouth was gaped open behind Billy and Tommy and I saw Jason freeze in the middle of flipping a burger. My face felt hot and a queasiness washed over me.
"I'm just kidding!" Nick said, letting out a laugh. "I'm sorry. Didn't mean to offend ya."
"Oh. Yeah. It's okay." Tommy said, sounding distant. He shook Nick's hand quickly before tucking his hands into his back pocket. "Welcome to Angel Grove."
"Thanks. It's been great here so far. Guess I'm lucky that my girl knows so many people out here." Nick wrapped his arm around me and pulled me against his side. He kissed the top of my head and stroked my hip with his thumb. I didn't know what he was doing. He's not normally this affectionate in front of people. But when I saw Tommy's eyes follow Nick's thumb, I realized that Nick was trying to be possessive of me.
"Who's ready to eat?" Trini called, thankfully breaking up the weirdness that was happening. Aisha, Rocky, Zack, Adam and Billy practically ran from our area, heading to the table to make plates.
"I'm gonna grab a beer. Do either of you want one?" Tommy asked. Nick nodded.
"Sure." Tommy looked at me.
"Kim?"
"I'm good. Thanks though." He nodded, walking over to the patio. I pulled away from Nick and glared up at him.
"What?" He asked, looking confused.
"Did you really have to do that?" I whispered, making sure Tommy and the rest of the group couldn't hear me. "You already knew that was the case. You didn't have to bring it up like that in front of everyone."
"It was a joke! He even said it was okay. You gotta relax, Kimmy."
"Don't call me that." I muttered, crossing my arms. "You embarrassed us."
"Well pardon me. Wouldn't want your friends to think any less of you for something they already knew happened. Get the stick out of your ass already. Jesus Christ." He brushed passed me, walking towards the tables. Tommy handed him his beer, them talking about something. I saw that Tommy glanced in my direction but he didn't move to come back this way. He forced a laugh at whatever Nick said before Jason walked over to join the two of them.
"You okay?" Trini asked, walking over to me with a drink in her hand. She held it out to me and I took it.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Nick just thinks he's funny sometimes when he's not. That's all." I replied, forcing a smile.
"Right. Men, huh?" She said, clasping her hands in front of her. "C'mon. Let's get something to eat." She looped her arm with mine and led me over to the food table.
The tension seemed to fade away for everyone after they made plates. We sat on the chairs that Trini and I had set up, talking about old times. We explained some of the best we could to Nick without giving any details about our time on the Ranger team. He listened, seeming to be interested in them. I noticed that he was staying very close to me, his arm resting on my leg. I didn't know why it annoyed me as much as it did. I was still on edge from what had happened earlier and it sat with me in the worst way. I felt like my whole body was just burning with energy, my leg jiggling as we sat.
"What are Bulk and Skull up to these days?" Zack asked as we finished our plates. Trini walked around with a garbage bag, collecting the plates from everyone.
"Last I knew, Bulk was running a tiki bar somewhere." Tommy replied, taking a sip of his beer. "And Skull was trying his hand at acting."
"He's got a kid now." Jason added, leaning back in his chair and putting his hands on the back of his head. "Him and that girl he was hot with in school ended up having one."
"Wow. I'd never picture Eugene as a father." Billy said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Well, speaking of that." Rocky said, taking hold of Aisha's hand. "We actually have some news." Aisha glanced over at me and I nodded, giving her a smile.
"Rocky and I are expecting." She said, her smile widening as she addressed the group.
"I'm gonna be a dad!" Rocky exclaimed, standing up. He pulled Aisha up with him. There was a collective excited gasp among the group at the announcement.
"No way! That's so awesome!" Zack said, jumping up. He ran over and gave Aisha a hug before giving one to Rocky.
"Congrats." Adam said, following Zack. He gave both of them a hug, giving Aisha a kiss on the cheek. In my chest, I felt that familiar sting of jealousy. I hated to admit it but I was upset about Aisha being pregnant. Not because I didn't want her to be but because I wanted to be as well. I wanted to be able to tell all our friends and have them be excited for us. I wanted to be the one who was excited about the idea of being a Mom. I hated that I felt this way but I forced a smile as I walked over and gave Aisha a hug.
"I'm so happy for you." I said, squeezing her tightly.
"Thanks, girl." She said. "I know this can't be easy but I'm glad you're here."
"Me, too. I can't wait to see Rocky take care of a baby." She laughed, releasing me.
"You and me both. I'll have two kids to take care of now."
"Hey!" Rocky protested, glaring down at his wife. She shot him a glare back, daring him to continue. He buckled back, turning his attention back to Billy who was congratulating him now.
"I'm gonna run to the bathroom. Can I get you anything?" I asked Aisha. She shook her head. Turning, I walked towards the house and inside of the back door. Inside, I was met with silence once the door slid shut behind me. I closed my eyes, taking in the peace. My heart was racing and I felt my breathing come faster. I swore under my breath, trying my best to stop it. It didn't work. I opened my eyes and walked over to one of the nook bar stools, leaning against it. Sweat was beginning to pour down my face. It was a panic attack. I started having these a few years ago. Probably right after I left for Florida. In the beginning, it was a more frequent thing in the beginning. I would be in the middle of grocery shopping and it would hit me. It took two trips to the ER before I was finally diagnosed with it. It's been a few months since I had one though and this one felt like it was going to be a bad one. I tried leaning over with my head between my arms but it didn't help. I walked around the counter and into the actual kitchen area. LEaning against the counter next to the fridge, I slid down to the floor and pulled my legs into my chest. Closing my eyes, I rocked into the corner and tried to calm my breathing.
"Kimberly? Oh my god." Adam's voice said. I opened them and saw him standing in the doorway of the kitchen. He bent down, kneeling on the floor in front of me. "Are you okay?"
"Panic attack." I panted out. I put a hand on my chest and could feel my heart thundering.
"I'll get some help." He moved to stand but I grabbed his arm.
"No. I'll be fine. I just need a minute. Something cold." I said. He nodded, opening the fridge door and pulling out a bottle of water. He handed it to me and I gripped it with both of my hands.
"What happened?" He asked. I didn't answer, just concentrating on the coolness of the water. The rate of my heart was decreasing and I could feel my breathing begin to calm. I took a sip of the water and gave Adam a weak smile.
"Thank you." I said.
"No problem. How long have you been having panic attacks?" He asked, shifting so he was sitting on his behind. I chuckled, shaking my head.
"Since I left. At first I thought it was the anxiety of being away from home but it kept happening. My doctor said it was how I deal with stress."
"And from what I hear, all you are is a little ball of stress." He replied, smiling at me. "I heard about everything going on with trying to have a baby. It can't be easy with Aisha and Rocky's news."
"I knew about ti before the party." I said, stretching my legs out in front of me. "Trini and Aisha wanted me to know before finding out in front of everyone. I'm not gonna lie that I'm not jealous. I want to be happy for them but at the same time, I feel robbed, ya know? It's not their faults. I just don't know how to react about anything anymore."
"Well, as someone who can't get pregnant no matter what I try, I can't say I understand how you feel but I understand why you feel the way you do. But if you ever need to talk about it to someone who isn't Aisha, I'm all ears."
"Thanks, Adam. You and I really didn't get a chance to catch up. How are you?"
"Gay." He replied, flatly. I looked at him surprised for a moment before we both laughed. "Sorry. Not a lot of people know so it's good to say it out loud sometimes."
"No one else knows?" I asked.
"Well, Aisha and Tommy know. And Billy." He said and I saw a slight blush in his cheeks. I leaned forward.
"Are you and Billy…" I trailed off and he nodded. "I am so happy for the two of you!" I exclaimed, climbing to my knees and giving him a tight hug. "This is the best news I have heard in a long time! How long have you been together?" I asked, sitting back on my heels. He grinned, shrugging his shoulders.
"About two years now."
"Two? Two years? You've hidden this from everyone for two year?! That's crazy. Why not just tell people?"
"Probably for the same reason you're hiding in here during a panic attack. We just don't want people to know. We're afraid of what they might say or think."
"Oh but Adam, they are your friends. You know none of us would judge you guys for that. I mean, if you end up getting married before Trini she might murder Jason but that wouldn't be on you." We laughed, him nodding his head.
"We keep telling him to before she just drags him to the altar but he doesn't listen. I think he's just scared." Adam stood, holding a hand out to me. I took it and he pulled me to his feet. "If you could keep our secret, I would really appreciate it."
"It's safe with me. But could you reconsider telling the others? I think it would go a long way with everyone if you did tell them. That's something good everyone would like to hear."
"I'll think about it." He said.
"Good. I suppose I should get out there before they miss me." He nodded, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge for himself.
"I know. I'm surprised no one has sent a search party yet." We walked out the back door, shutting it behind us. When my eyes swept the yard, I saw that Jason, Billy, and Trini were talking by the grill. Billy gave Adam the slightest of smiles when we walked out and I did everything I could to not react. Instead, I glanced at the yard. Rocky and Tommy were playing horseshoes with Zack.
"Adam! I need a second." Zack called out, waving Adam over. Adam held up his water before jogging over. When I looked past them, I saw that Nick was talking to Aisha in the corner. Taking a deep breath, I headed in their direction.
"So, how long have you been married?" I heard Nick ask. He was leaning against the fence while Aisha was standing next to him with a cup in her hand.
"About three years now." Aisha replied.
"Married life, huh? I know how nice it can be in the beginning but after a while, it drains you. Though, I think Rocky is pretty lucky to have a girl like you to come home to." I slowed, wanting to hear their conversation.
"You're sweet." She replied, smiling at Nick. "He's a big goofball idiot at times but I love him."
"That's what we men are good at. You should hang out with Kim more. You can see just what kinda guy I am. You are really glowing, by the way. Pregnancy really suits you well. I bet you'll be stunning throughout the whole thing."
"You really are quite the charmer. I can see what Kim sees in you." He shrugged, taking a sip of his beer. I noticed that he stepped closer to her.
"Someone should tell her that. Ya know, she never told me how pretty your smile was. It's stunning." She laughed, shaking her head.
"Hey." I said, having enough finally and walked over.
"Hey, Kimmy." Nick said, not bothering to move away from Aisha. "I was wondering where you went."
"The bathroom." I replied. "What are we talking about?"
"I was just telling Aisha how good pregnancy looks on her." Nick replied. He drained his beer, emptying the bottle. "I keep telling Kim that if we get pregnant, she'll be the most beautiful girl in the world."
"That I can agree with." Aisha said, smiling at me. "I'm going to go see what my idiot husband is up to. We will need to talk later."
"Yeah." Nick said, looking her up and down. "We will."
"Time for s'mores!" Jason called out from the patio.
After the sun started to go down. Jason dragged the fire pit into the middle of the yard. We circled our chairs around it while he got a decent fire going. Trini handed out sticks with marshmallows on them, putting a tray of graham crackers and chocolate bars out. I sat next to Nick who perched himself next to Aisha. Rocky was on her other side, Adam next to him. Billy took a seat next to Adam and Tommy sat next to him. Once everything was set, Jason sat next to Tommy, Zack next to him and Trini squeezed in with me into the double chair I was sitting in. She draped a blanket over both our shoulders before sticking her stick into the fire.
"Remember that time we camped out at Glens Falls?" Rocky asked, sandwiching his burning marshmallows between a graham cracker and a piece of chocolate.
"And your dumbass forgot to bring anything to light a fire with?" Aisah replied.
"We managed!" He exclaimed, defending himself.
"Only because Billy was there." Adam said, grinning at Billy. "He can make anything out of anything."
"Fire is simple, really." Billy replied, making a s'more in his lap. I smiled, loving how modest Billy was and always has been. I can see why Adam loved him so much. Billy had a kind soul with a brilliant mind. They completed each other in a calm sense of the word. It wasn't like Rocky and Aisha where they were opposite sides of the spectrum, butting heads so that it worked out like ying and yang. No, Adam and Billy were more like that couple that had enough in common that it made more sense for them to be together than anything.
"I remember this one time, Kim and I were hanging out. It was right after she moved down to Florida and she was feeling homesick." Nick stated, pulling me from my thoughts. I shifted to look at him as he took a swig of his beer. I felt my body go rigid and my grip on my stick tightened.
"No one wants to hear that story." I said, shooting him a look. He ignored it,
"It's funny! Now, she was training all the time so I was lucky when she agreed to get ice cream with me. We sat down and started talking. All of a sudden, she drops her ice cream on the table by accident. She was horrified. She started crying. Took me forever to get her to calm down. By the time she finally does, she tells me all about here and how much she missed all you guys. She said that she really missed the shakes that she used to have at your rec center. Well, I went and got everything to make her a milkshake. The next day, I bought her one after practice. She takes three sips of it before Coach Schimdt makes her toss it since she was over her qualifying weight that morning. All the work for nothing." He reached over and grabbed my knee, giving it a squeeze. "Well, I guess not for nothing. We started dating the next week I believe."
There was a forced chuckle around the group as he finished his story. I didn't want to but I dared a quick glance in Tommy's direction. We locked eyes, a look of uncertainty in his. He turned away, his attention turning to the fire. Guilt filled my chest as I also looked into the flames.
"Well, she clearly made it seeing as she went on to the games." Jason said, leaning forward to put a marshmallow on his stick. Nick shrugged his shoulder.
"Yeah but she didn't place. What's the point of competing if you don't, ya know?" Nick let go of my knee and sat back in his chair.
"To say you competed in the olympics, I think." Zack said, laughing. "I mean, just a minor thing and all that." Trini bumped her shoulder into mine and smiled.
"We're all very proud of our Kim." She said.
The party ended up winding down shortly after our fire, everyone wishing us farewell before leaving. Nick was telling another story to Adam and Billy who were politely trying to leave. I stood by the backdoor, shoving the last bits of garbage into the garbage. As I moved to put the lid on, I was surprised to see that Tommy was standing on the other side of it. Looking up at him, I saw a small smile on his lips.
"Hey." He said.
"Hi." I replied, feeling sheepish. "Are you taking off too?" He nodded.
"Yeah. I got an early class in the morning and some stuff to do at the dojo. The kids keep me on my toes so I try to get some extra sleep when I can."
"I don't blame you there." I replied. A silence fell between us and I felt something burning in the back of my brain, asking to be let out. "Tommy, I-"
"It's okay." He said, softly. He glanced over his shoulder towards Nick who was still talking. "I get it. I do. If you're not busy sometime, I'd like to take you out for coffee. If that's alright."
"I'd like that." I said.
"Take care of yourself, okay?" He gave me a quick hug, his arms lingering around me for a moment. I squeezed tightly, taking in the smell of his aftershave. When he let go, he waved before jogging down the patio steps. He shook Nick's hand again before disappearing out the gate. I headed inside, my cheeks flushed. I avoided Trini and Jason who were saying goodbye to Zack out front as I made a beeline for our room. I shut the door and headed straight for the shower. When I came out, Nick was laying in bed. He had changed his clothes, his torso exposed and his legs covered in just a pair of basketball shorts. His eyes were glued to the TV on the dresser, some movie on it. I wrapped my robe around me, grabbing my brush from the dresser. I sat on the edge of the bed, brushing my hair out.
"Did you have fun today?" I asked, glancing over my shoulder at him.
"Yeah. Your friends are okay. Well, most of them."
"Most of them?" I questioned. He turned his attention away from the TV and gave me an expectant look.
"I can see why you broke up with Tommy. He's not the best dude." He said.
"Why would you say that?" I turned away from him, brushing out my hair.
"He just seemed like a dick. There was something about the way he was today. I've got a pretty good sense of character and he just seems like an asshole to me." I felt him shift on the bed. "Why? Does that bother you when I speak ill of your precious Tommy?"
"What? No. Why would I?" I replied, standing from the bed. I put my brush back and shed my robe before climbing into bed. He shrugged, looking back at the TV.
"I don't know. I'm just glad you have nothing to do with that guy any more."
"Yeah. You're right."
