Chapter 10: Hold me
"Aaah!" Screaming loudly, Ichigo opened his eyes and panted heavily. Feeling a sharp pain in his neck, but not being awake enough to understand what that meant. He shook his head to sober up. He looked directly into the Quincy's worried face. Sweat trickled down his forehead while he tried to figure out what had happened. Was it a nightmare again?
"Thank god, that wasn't real." He said, sighing in relief at the boy whom hovered over him. Uryu had been shaking his shoulders and had probably been trying to rouse him from his frightful slumber.
Uryu's features changed into relief and he wiped Ichigo's sweaty face with a few damp sheets of toilet paper. How long had he been asleep? He'd probably been making sounds that attracted the archer to his side. What had happened again?
Then it came back to him. Szayelaporro had gotten what he wanted. He and Uryu'd had sex! In front of him! It was only now that the realization of what they'd done set in. It seemed they were back in their cell. The lights were dimmed and they were both fully clothed. Had they put Uryu's clothes back on, or had he done that himself, he didn't remember. They had both been rendered unconscious after that weird event. How much time had passed since then?
Suddenly, the lights went on and both teens felt they were being watched…
Goddamit. If not for that Quincy, he'd never participated in such an act! He had no interest in men. What the hell did he just do? What kind of power did the archer have over him to make him do something like that?
Uryu made a soft noise and gently caressed his cheek while giving him a small smile. Fuck! Why did he act so close all of a sudden. They just had sex, nothing more. He didn't like being approached like this!
Ichigo felt an arm around his shoulders as Uryu was carefully helping him into a sitting position. He felt his head spin and shook it again with closed eyes. When the Quincy gurgled, he felt something pressed against his mouth. Opening his eyes, he saw it was their bowl of water. Parting his lips, he let some of the much welcomed moisture in, while grabbing the bowl with one of his hands.
Uryu smiled at him again. Goddamit. Who did he think he was! If not for that stupid Quincy, none of this would have happened and he could've gotten laid with a pretty girl. Feeling anger and heat spread throughout his body, he couldn't control himself anymore. His rage and frustrations up to that point were exploding.
Furious, he punched the Quincy sideways in his face. Whacking the water bowl out of Uryu's hands in the process, scattering their precious liquid everywhere. The archer was completely taken by surprise by that fast move and made a startled sound. Served him right!
"You asshole! It's all your fault we're in this mess! You told that freak Espada you wanted me to fuck you!" He screamed while the other boy stared at him with incredulous eyes.
Ichigo jumped up and punched him in the face again with everything he had, adding in a few blows to his upper body. Uryu tried to defend himself by blocking punches as best as he could, making startled grunts in the process. That loser! As if he could stop him now!
A particularly violent punch had the Quincy flying onto the floor, flat on his back. Groaning, he managed to lift his torso from the floor with his elbows and looked at the Substitute with a shocked expression.
"You idiot! Why did you make me do that! I'm not gay! Like I really wanted to fuck you!" He screamed, looming over the raven-haired teen. Uryu tried to protect his head again from Ichigo's rage, but the latter kicked him violently in his unprotected lower stomach while shouting:
"You can't even jerk off by yourself! You gay freak!" Uryu screamed a silent scream, and arched up while looking at him pleadingly. But the orange-haired teen didn't stop and kicked him again. Uryu made highly distressed gurgling sounds as Ichigo stomped down on his wounded abdomen time after time. Invulnerable to the Quincy's painful wails.
"You asshole! I wanted my first time to mean something! I wanted to get laid with a pretty girl like Orihime! Not with an ugly, scrawny abomination like you!" Shouting intimidatingly at the injured Quincy under his crushing foot, Ichigo refused to see Uryu's pain stricken face and the misery in his eyes, brimming with unshed tears. He continued to shout insults at the other boy, hysterical and enraged.
Uryu was panting hard from pain and stress and tried to get away from Ichigo. Groaning, he used his elbows to turn over onto his side, keeping his eyes on the Substitute continuously, scared he might want to try a different attack. Ichigo gave a nasty, bruising kick to Uryu's hips and screamed:
"Yeah, you get away from me, you coward!" Fuming, he stopped attacking and howled in frustration, balling his fists. He watched mockingly while the Quincy slowly dragged himself to a corner of the room. Shivering and moaning from the effort.
"Don't look at me, you gay freak!" The Substitute shouted after him. Trembling heavily, Uryu tried to get into a sitting position, slouched against the wall while taking shallow breaths. He faced the wall, as Ichigo had commanded. Good! That stupid Quincy!
Ichigo started pacing the room. He felt completely frustrated and pissed, and needed to get rid of some of his energy. After he'd done that for a while, he noticed the bowl of rice on a tray close to the door and picked it up. Having used his Hollow power to save Uryu from those guards, his spiritual pressure needed to be replenished and he dug in. Eating swiftly with his right hand, gobbling everything down. Not bothering to leave anything for the other boy. When he'd finished, he threw the bowl against the wall, drawing Uryu's attention. He shot him down with an angry look and the archer turned away again, looking glum.
Since he had nothing better to do, he just sat down and watched the archer for a while. The other teen made muffled groans, and his breathing had become erratic. Ichigo watched how he started fumbling with his shoulder length cape and tore it from the rest of his Quincy uniform.
"What the hell are you doing, you gay fruitcake?" Ichigo sneered. "Keep your clothes on! I don't wanna see your scrawny ass ever again!" He heard Uryu take a deep breath in and out, followed by some other tearing sounds. Suddenly, the Quincy cried out, quickly covering his mouth to muffle it. Shooting a worried glance towards the Substitute, as if afraid to attract his attention. But Ichigo didn't care. He was too caught up in his own thoughts.
Time ticked by and the room was completely silent, except for the muffled sounds of the archer. Ichigo shook his head a few times as his anger started dissipating. Slowly things began to sink in. Wait. He was back in their cell. What had happened? Where was Uryu? Facing another corner, he sighed in relief as he found the other boy huddled there. Dammit, why did he feel so stressed out? Had it been the dream he'd had or… Suddenly, flashes of what he'd shouted at the other boy started filling his mind and he gasped.
"Uryu?" He asked, hesitantly. "Uryu, are you okay?"
The other boy didn't answer, so he stood up and slowly walked towards him. He could see the Quincy tense up immediately.
"Uryu?" The archer turned his head towards him and gave him a cold, piercing glare, hissing. As if he wanted Ichigo to keep his distance. Like putting up a wall to deflect any possible insult the Substitute could throw at him.
"Hey? Are you alright?" Ichigo's concern was rising rapidly, but Uryu didn't let up. As he looked down, he noticed the other teen's hands were shaking violently, while pressing his cape against his lower stomach.
"Uryu, what's wrong?" He asked worriedly, but the boy kept glaring at him. As Ichigo tried to reach out to see him flinch, he knew enough. "I went berserk again, didn't I?" He knelt down next to the Quincy and his face fell when he realized what the other teen was doing.
With severely trembling hands, Uryu was trying to put pressure on his abdominal wounds to staunch a bleeding. The scarlet liquid was slowly spreading, making deep, red stains on his white uniform.
"Oh my god!" Ichigo gasped. "Let me help-" Mistrustful and hurt, Uryu slapped his hands aside. Ichigo reached out again, but the archer repeated his actions. "Uryu, please…. We need to stop this bleeding or…" He trailed off. This was bad. Very bad! How did his wounds reopen?
Then it hit him.
"I… I did this to you, didn't I?" He gasped in horror. Uryu's face portrayed misery again and that was all the answer he needed. He cursed, while the Quincy averted his gaze.
Ichigo felt guilty to his core. Why did that stupid Espada do this to him? What was the point in him turning on the Quincy?
He wanted to draw the other boy into a hug and whisper reassuring things to him, but Uryu was so stressed he wasn't going to allow him. Besides, he needed to help him first. They needed to stop this hemorrhage. Right now!
"I… I'm sorry, Uryu. We'll talk about this later, but first I need to help you. Trust me, please." Uryu gasped and gave him a wounded look, before letting his guard down a little, allowing Ichigo to reach out.
Carefully, he took the cape from his friend's trembling hands and took a good look at the damage. "Fuck!" He cried out when he saw the extent of his bleeding. Uryu had removed most of the surgical gauzes on his belly, to try and staunch the bleeding himself, but he hadn't been able to put enough pressure on them. Ichigo grabbed the stained cape with both hands and pushed down as hard as he could, earning a shrill moan from the other teen.
"Hang in there, it will get better soon." The Quincy couldn't do anything to help. His face was contorted in agony, his trembling hands slid around Ichigo's wrists and his ragged breathing became even worse. Suddenly he fell forward against Ichigo's chest on a whimper and the Substitute knew he had to act quickly. How much time had passed since he started bleeding like this?
"Uryu, I can try to stop this bleeding, but… it's really gonna hurt. I'm afraid it's our only option right now." Uryu just looked up at him weakly. He was about to pass out. Ichigo moved him so he laid flat on the floor and carefully removed the last remainders of surgical gauze, while pulling his tunic up to his chest.
"I have to cauterize this with my Hollow powers." Ichigo said hesitantly. "There's no other way to close your wounds. Brace yourself." He didn't even wait for the Quincy's consent in all of this. There was no time to lose. He straddled the other boy, so he couldn't struggle.
Carefully, the Substitute placed a hand over his friend's lower abdomen and howled while his Hollow mask appeared. Black flames spread through his hand and slowly started sealing the leaking wounds. Uryu arched up and made silent screams, but Ichigo held him down with his other hand.
"Don't move!" He growled in his Hollow voice and pushed him back down more fiercely. He saw the Quincy go completely rigid under him from stress. Fear apparent on his face. Then it occurred to him that he must look very intimidating in this form! He'd caused the other boy to bleed like this. Having Ichigo straddle him, while using his Hollow powers on him must be absolutely terrifying right now. Uryu must be afraid he'd go berserk on him again… And with good reason! Who knew what Ichigo'd do to him if he lost control again. Shit! He tried not to think about that and focused on the delicate task at hand. He needed to stop this bleeding first!
Using more spiritual pressure, he tried to scorch the pale flesh underneath his touch as best as he could. He felt Uryu tremble and make high pitched sounds, wailing and begging him to stop, but he couldn't give in to that. Even if it pained him. There was nothing else he could do to stop a bleeding of this magnitude. And he knew the Quincy was aware of that.
It was working! The bleeding was receding. But it had left Uryu's flesh in a deplorable state as there were burnt patches on a large part of his lower abdomen. Ichigo didn't even want to imagine how horrible the pain must've been. Their cell filled up with the sickening smell of charred flesh and the agonizing cries of a badly injured Quincy receded to quivering sobs.
Relieved, Ichigo removed his Hollow mask.
"I did it, Uryu! I stopped the bleeding." He said with a soft smile, looking down to the boy underneath him. He felt his heart stop.
The way Uryu was looking at him right now, was in complete contrast as to when he'd held him after they'd finished what Szayelaporro had demanded. His features radiated severe stress and fear. Tears were streaking his pale face, accompanied by shallow breaths and painful sobs. He didn't dare to move, his body completely frozen.
He was the one responsible for the archer's current state. They'd went from one extreme to the other. Ichigo went from kissing and holding him, albeit during a forced make-out session, to physically assaulting him so badly he'd get a severe hemorrhage. It wasn't all that crazy that Uryu was having trust issues right now…
"Are… Are you okay?" He asked, but he knew that was a stupid question. Off course the Quincy was far from okay right now. He cupped Uryu's face and wiped away his tears with his thumbs, feeling his heart throb in his throat. As predicted, Uryu didn't answer that question, but just looked at him, defeated. His face portrayed so much hurt and enveloped him into a kind of vulnerability Ichigo had rather never witnessed. He could only guess what was going on in the other boy's head right now…
Trying to lighten the mood a little, with his always optimistic nature, he tried: "W-wait, I'll get you some food and water. You could really use that right about now."
He stood up and tried to ignore Uryu's painful sobs that went straight through his heart, turning his back towards him. Upon inspecting the room he found an empty bowl of rice tossed into a corner and an equally empty bowl of water. Balling his fists in despair, he didn't have to think twice to know what had happened. As flashes of what he'd done came back to him, it was crystal clear he had taken all the rice for himself, while mindlessly wasting their water. Feeling his heart drop, he muttered:
"Goddamit… what did I do…" He let his arms fall beside his body, clenching his fists hard. He felt so stupid and powerless. And before he realized what he was doing, he was screaming. Screaming at himself. For feeling helpless. For acting like a jerk. Screaming at the Espada. For the cruelty of this all.
"I know you're watching us, Szayelaporro!" He turned towards one of the camera's. "The Quincy needs water! You still need him, right?" He looked fiercely into the camera and waited for a while, before repeating: "We need water!" Nothing happened and Ichigo felt the grip of desperation tighten around his throat. "Please… " He trailed off. HIs voice thick with emotion.
It wasn't fair! Uryu had suffered so much in this fucked up prison. This was exactly the reason why he hadn't wanted to sleep with him, to spare him that. Seems like he kept on adding to the boy's pain no matter what he did. He'd managed to cauterize Uryu's wounds, but… he hadn't disinfected anything, nor could he redress his wounds. He left the Quincy wide open for infection. It was bound to happen, he only didn't know how long it would take. But if he hadn't done anything, he would've bled out…
Feeling exhausted and vulnerable, Ichigo slid down the wall next to Uryu, the side of his head against it. Letting his face sink into his hands. Maybe Renji and the others wouldn't come for them after all. Or maybe they'd be too late. And for the first time since they were imprisoned here, the thought that they might not survive this crossed his mind… He felt tears burn in the back of his eyes and couldn't keep them from rolling over his cheeks.
"I… I don't know what I'm doing anymore. This is not… who I am…" He looked down at Uryu and noticed the other boy was watching him worriedly. Even while in agony, he looked concerned for him, while he…
"I'm so… sorry, Uryu… I didn't do this…. willingly." Ichigo sobbed. "That bastard makes me… I don't want this… I don't know how to stop it…" He started hugging his knees and hid his face.
How many days had it been since they got imprisoned here? What did that maniac want from him? Why was he torturing Uryu so much? So many questions swirled around in his head. They were both exhausted in mind and body and he feared it wasn't over by a long shot. He'd just come within a hair's breadth of killing his only friend and ally in this dump. What if he wasn't able to stop the next time? Why did a hero like him behave this way? What if he became so aggressive he actually killed Uryu? He couldn't bear that thought. It was just too much right now… He felt his thoughts being flooded with grief and couldn't hold it in.
"I'm sorry, Uryu. I'm so sorry…" He cried. "I don't wanna hurt you…" Violent sobs wracked his body. More than the archer, he was trying to convince himself.
Suddenly, he felt 2 trembling arms tentatively pull him into a soft embrace. He'd been so preoccupied with his own thoughts that he hadn't noticed how Uryu had found the strength to sit up next to him and pull him close. Startled, Ichigo let himself be enveloped in Uryu's arms.
Looking into the Quincy's eyes, equally overflowing with tears of desperation, Ichigo didn't know how to react. Uryu gently put his head on his shoulder and tightened the embrace. Even though the other boy was crying, too, he tried whispering soothing words to Ichigo. They came out as soft gasps and gurgling sounds, but their meaning was clear to him. "I forgive you…"
Ichigo's heart almost gave at that unselfish display. He stopped hesitating and buried his face in the crook of Uryu's neck, while his arms closed around his trembling frame, still mindful of his wounds. All his pent up emotions since they got here came pouring out, and he didn't understand how and why they were always bickering so much.
"I'm sorry." Ichigo repeated, his tears not ceasing. "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for not trusting you. I'm sorry for shouting all those nasty things to you." He heard Uryu made a soft, gurgling sound again, while his arms pulled him closer. "A-and I'm sorry for… making your fist time horrible… Even if I tried to do the best I could… that could hardly have been how you imagined it to be…"
Uryu held onto him like his life depended on it, and that was exactly what he needed right now. He wanted to be held. He wanted to know someone cared. He wanted to recreate the feeling of connectedness they'd shared not so long ago. The Quincy was all he had in this vile place and he was terrified of losing him right now. He wanted to keep him safe from that freak Espada and felt a strong desire to protect him bloom in his heart.
As he heard the archer's soft groans, he understood the Quincy'd better lay down again. Ichigo said they would rest for a bit and the other boy nodded. Hopefully he would feel a little better afterwards.
Ichigo went to lie flat on the floor, gently guiding the other boy down with him. As he lay flat on his back, he let Uryu position himself to his side, before softly enveloping in his arms again. Like this, they'd hopefully relax a little and keep each other warm. Uryu nested his head in the crook of his neck and he found the gesture to be very soothing. Listening to the archer's breaths who were slowly evening out, as he was gently guided into slumber.
If his friends could see him now, they would definitely laugh and make fun of him. Laying down with a sleeping boy clinging to his chest. And they'd judge Uryu as well. But right now he didn't care. He needed to protect this Quincy. He was everything he had right now.
Other questions started rising in his mind. No. He wasn't gay! As he was definitely interested in girls. He'd only slept with Uryu because they had no other choice. But then, why had it felt so much better than he had imagined? He'd thought it would be horrible. With those Fraccioné's and Szayelaporro looking at them. With both of them shaken up so much. With all that pressure... Even if he had kept most of his insecurities about it to himself. But somehow, they both had been so overwhelmed by these new sensations that they'd made the most out of it. It wasn't at all how his first time had been supposed to be, as Uryu had been tied down and unable to participate. And of course, he wasn't a nice curvy girl. But… they had succeeded in not making it a nightmare. And he couldn't deny the fact that he'd enjoyed it. Even if he didn't know what to do with that knowledge. And he was certain Uryu had at least enjoyed part of it, too. It was all so very confusing…
He didn't understand that way Uryu had looked at him, though. He'd never seen that look before. Especially not on him. It probably was because the other teen had been overwhelmed as well. Maybe he'd figure it out later…
He sighed. The archer was in dire need of food and water. How long had it been since he had that hunk of bread? How long would he be able to continue like this? As he felt the clutches of fear get a hold on him again, he'd rather not breach that subject now, and opted to just lay there for a while. Listening to the other boy's sounds made him drowsy and after a while he, too, fell asleep.
