Chapter Three – Cruel Summer

The shock of Grissom's announcement hit Sara with the force of a truck and she had to physically brace herself with the tidal waves that washed over her.

"What?"

"You are Amelia's godmother."

Sara shook her head, felt her world begin to spin.

"She never said anything about it the last time I saw her. She never discussed this with me. What am I meant to do?"

She looked at Grissom, her eyes pleading but for the first time in a long time, he didn't have the answers that could help her. He had never been in this situation himself.

"You should call Sophia, see if this stands up legally."

"Good idea."

Grissom sat back and watched as Sara had a hushed conversation with her lawyer, moving aside to allow her to fax the form over to her. Sara spent a few more minutes on the phone before clicking it closed and sinking back into her seat.

"She's going to get back to me. I cannot believe that Jaime did this."

"So she didn't mention this at all?"

"Once, just after Amelia was born and we were celebrating. She said that if anything happened to her, she wanted me to look after Amelia. I told her to not be stupid; that I would be the last person anyone would want looking after their kid, let alone a tiny baby. She laughed and I thought that that was the end of that."

"But it wasn't, was it? Now we have another problem."

"Amelia is not a problem Grissom. She is a child that has just lost her mother. And regardless of what happens, it's my problem, it's my name on that will."

"We are in a relationship and you suddenly getting a baby definitely changes things."

Sara took a deep breath and released it out of her nose, choosing not to yell at him. She really didn't need this.

"I'm going to go and see Sophia. I don't think I can talk to you right now."

Grissom said nothing as he watched her leave the office, wondering just how much their lives together were going to change.

Sara had met Sophia a number of years ago when she was pushing one of their rape cases and she had been so impressed by her, that she had made herself a client. Sophia was a short red head, with a slim body and fiery attitude that gave her a flawless courtroom record. Her receptionist must have gone to lunch, because the front desk was unmanned and Sara was able to walk right to the main office door, knocking loudly before entering. Sophia was sitting behind her desk; phone pressed to her ear, talking rapidly, in technical legal jargon that Sara could not quite follow. Sophia gave her a smile and pointed to the chair across from her before turning her attention back to the phone call.

"I know Pete but this is important. Is it legally binding or not?…………..Yes, full name….Yes, I know but paragraph 3, section 12 says that the person in question has to be notified…….No it was never discussed…..Ok and what are the terms for that?…..So that takes place immediately……..And the biological father?……..When?…….Thanks Pete."

Sophia hung up the phone and gave Sara another smile.

"I didn't expect a personal visit."

Sara shrugged.

"I needed to get out of the office."

"So you came to another one? Sure, that makes sense."

Sophia gathered together a large pile of paperwork, Jaime's will on top of the pile, closing the thick books that had been open all over her desk.

"Right Sara. Do you want the good news or the good news?"

"You choose. I've had enough shocks today."

"Oh then you might want to leave."

"That bad, huh?"

Sophia shrugged as she put on her stylish glasses and read over some of her own scribbled notes.

"The will is legally binding, even if you didn't agree to anything or didn't get notified. You are indeed Amelia's godmother."

Sara felt her stomach sink to the tips of her toes, the image of herself and a baby planting itself in her brain.

"What about the father?"

Sophia shifted the papers again.

"According to his lawyer, he signed away legal rights as soon as Amelia was born. He didn't want anything to do with her. And the man who married her mother never legally adopted her."

Sara took a deep breath.

"What are my options here?"

Sophia gave her a small smile.

"You only really have two. You can fulfil Jaime's last wish or Amelia can go into foster care. Young babies like her get homes in no time."

For a second, Sara flashed back to the way her life was in foster care. Never knowing where you were going next, whether you would be safe, whether you were going to get late night visits from the man who was meant to be looking after you, never feeling secure in where you were meant to be.

"Things are different now days Sara. Foster parents are screened much more closely then they were when you were in the system."

Sara clicked back to the current situation, her voice tight.

"But kids still slip through the cracks don't they? They still get abused and see things that kids just should not see. I can't do that to Amelia. I won't put another human being through that."

"Well, I guess you've made your decision then. It will take me a few days to organise the paperwork, so go home and think about it, talk it over with Grissom. This is not something that you can go rushing into."

Sara nodded and shook Sophia's hand before leaving the office. She was heading to the hospital before she had even realised where she was going. She made her way to the neonatal ward and was greeted with a smile at the front desk by a large black woman.

"Hello. How can I help you?"

"I'm here to see Amelia Cullin."

The nurse frowned as she ushered Sara to follow her down the warm, bright corridor.

"Little Amelia is not doing well at all. She's not eating and the doctors had to insert a feeding tube into her nose. It doesn't look very good for her at the moment."

"Am I able to speak to the doctor?"

"I am sorry but only the family members can really only talk to the doctor."

Sara swung around to face the nurse head on, her eyes narrowed.

"Do you know what happened to Amelia?"

The nurse shook her head.

"Well, her mother was murdered and she was found in her crib, covered in her blood."

The nurse let out a small gasp.

"Poor little darling. No wonder she's not eating."

"And just so you know, I'm her godmother. Here's my lawyers card if you don't believe me. I want to talk to a doctor."

The nurse nodded again before continuing to walk down the corridor, stopping at a room filled with beeping machinery and small incubators.

"She needs to be in here to keep her body heat regulated, it's hard to do if you're not eating as she should be. She in the corner there. I'll page Dr Jacobs for you."

Sara nodded her thanks before moving into the room, finding Amelia's little incubator easily. She was connected to a few different machines; the quite humming and beeping seemed to have sent her to sleep.

"Hello Amelia."

Now that she could study her, Sara realized just how much she didn't look like Jaime. Her mother had blonde hair, while Amelia had a mop of jet-black hair. Sara put her hand in through the hole in the incubator and stroked the baby's tiny foot, watching as it kicked slightly in response.

"You can hold her if you want. With a room full of babies to attend too, they don't get the attention they really should,"

The nurse had returned and made her way through the mass of wires and cords to stand beside Sara. She carefully wrapped Amelia in some blankets, somehow not tangling the wires as she handed Amelia to Sara. Amelia stayed fast asleep through all the movement, nuzzling further into the blankets as Sara held her close to her chest. She didn't feel a rush of love, just a need to protect this tiny bundle, this helpless little girl that had no one left in the world, except for a woman who was meant to be looking after her but had no idea what she was doing

"Dr. Jacobs is on her way."

"Thank you."

The nurse gave Sara small smile before leaving the two alone. Sara settled herself in a rocking chair that was close to the incubator and began to rock, wondering how in the world she was going to look after Amelia. Did taking her in mean losing Grissom? Sara didn't think she would be able to cope if she had to choose between them. She might not love Amelia at this point, but Sara had never been one to shy away from her responsibilities and Amelia was hers. There was no way she was going to let this little girl end up in the foster care system.

"Miss Sidle?"

A tall blonde woman that could have been a model had made her way into the room, her hand out to Sara.

"I'm Dr Jacobs. I understand that you are Amelia's godmother?"

Sara nodded as she shook the doctors hand, standing to put Amelia back into the incubator, stopping when the doctor shook her head.

"Keep holding her. It's good for them to get plenty of human contact. In her case, it's almost essential.'

"The nurse said that she has been unwell?"

The doctor pulled over a hard plastic chair from across the room, taking a seat next to Sara.

"Yes she has. She has not eaten for two days and her body is going to start shutting down if she doesn't start soon. First her kidneys, then her lungs, then finally her heart will fail. She needs to eat."

Sara nodded as she tried to take in what the doctor was saying.

"What can I do?"

"You're doing it. She needs some calming influence in her life after what she has been through. In fact, would you like to try feeding her now?"

Sara shook her head.

"I have never fed a baby before. I don't think I'm the right person for the job."

The doctor gave her a kind smile as she pulled a small pink bottle from her white coat, her smile widening at Sara's surprised expression.

"You carry those around do you?"

"Oh yeah. In a neonatal ward, it's better to be prepared. It's easy. First you test the temperature on your wrist."

She pulled up her own sleeve and dropped a little milk onto the exposed skin.

"That's the perfect temperature. And look, Amelia decided to join us."

Sara was so bust watching the doctor that she didn't feel Amelia stir, her green eyes now wide open, watching them both with mild fascination.

"I'll just unhook this feeding tube then we can see if we can get her to eat."

She unhooked the tube that was connected to a pole to the left of the incubator before giving Sara another smile.

"Then you just put it in her mouth and let Amelia do the rest."

Sara took a deep breath and wondered why she was so scared to feed this baby. She had faced killers, rapists and been shot at but when it came to feeding a baby, her courage had stalled. She placed the tip of the nipple against Amelia's lips and was rewarded with slight tug before the baby began to feed.

"Well would you look at that. Two days of trying and we get nothing, you come in and she's all ready to go. You are a natural."

Sara smiled as she watched Amelia gulp down the milk, her fat little cheeks bulging slightly. When she had finished the whole bottle, the doctor took it and placed it back in her pocket.

"Now for the next step. Burping her. Just put her over your shoulder and tap and rub her back gently."

Sara moved her awkwardly over her shoulder, not quite sure what force to exert on the tiny back.

"Just tap her gently."

Sara did as she was told and was rewarded when a large belch came, one that would rival Nick's. She then felt something hot and wet drip down her back.

"What is that?"

"Up chuck. There is a technical term for it but to me, it's always just up chuck. It's the excess milk Amelia had in her stomach."

Sara spent the rest of the afternoon learning how to bathe and change Amelia and when she left the neonatal ward a few hours later, she realised that she had made her decision about Amelia's future. One that would change her own forever.

Sara went right home and made a nice big dinner for Grissom, determined to break her news as gently as possible. He came home silently, without greeting and Sara knew instantly that he was smarting because she never called him to tell him what was going on. She didn't mean to forget.

"I made your favourite. Roast pork, with lots of crackling."

He accepted the plate without comment, munching on the crisp skin angrily. Sara took a seat next to him and tried to catch his eye.

"I'm sorry I didn't call. I was with the doctor about Amelia."

Grissom swallowed and put the crackling on his plate and faced Sara, a frown on his forehead.

"And?"

"I'm her godmother, it's legally stable."

"Which means that you are going to keep her aren't you?"

Sara nodded and saw the confusion slip onto Grissom's face.

"How are you going to do that Sara? What about work? Are you going to walk away from the thing you were born to do?"

Sara shook her head at him, her voice soft as she tried to make him understand her point if view.

"Do you remember when you were in primary school and they asked you to make a list of things you wanted to be when you grew up?"

Grissom sighed, as if she was wasting time.

"Yeah well, nowhere on my list did it say that I wanted to work with dead people. I didn't pick this life, it picked me. Did you ever consider that I was born to do something else? Like being a mother?"

"You said that you never wanted to be a mother, said you weren't the kid type."

"Maybe I was wrong. Amelia needs me Grissom and I'm not going to turn my back on her."

"I need you too Sara. Did you think about how this will effect us?"

Sara sighed as he hand found Grissom's on the table, watching as their hands became interlocked in a way that had become so familiar.

"Yes I did. I think that we could do this, I really do."

Grissom's voice was soft, his eyes on their hands.

"I don't think I can."

"What do you mean?"

Grissom pulled his hand away from Sara's, his eyes finding hers again.

"I'm not ready for kids, mine or anyone else's."

Sara's eyes turned pleading, she didn't want to lose him.

"I love you Grissom but I'm going to choose between you and Amelia."

Grissom stood and took his coat from the coat rack, his face hard.

"You seem to have already made a choice Sara. Don't let me stand in your way."

He turned on his heel and left their home, the door closing loudly behind him.