"I'm proud of y-you," the dying soldier in Starscream's arms said.
"You really shouldn't be," Starscream grit out as he carried a wounded Decepticon through the frame-ridden battlefield. The sight of all of the greyed-out Autobot and Decepticon frames scattered across the ground made his tank lurch, but he had to stay strong. Not just for himself but also for the nameless soldier in his arms who had been injured while under his command.
"A-and why not?" the Decepticon said.
Starscream looked out over the fallen Autobot frames and grimaced at the familiar puncture wounds that were in their chestplates. He flexed his energon-covered talons and grabbed on more tightly to the soldier as he continued to drag him along. "What I did wasn't right."
"If you hadn't killed them, they would have killed you!"
"Just… just be quiet."
The Decepticon placed his servo upon Starscream's shoulder and looked the Seeker in the optic. "You did good, Commander. You did good."
Starscream froze for a moment. It had been so long since anybody had said anything nice to him. He was used to scorn and derision, but praise was a rarity. His spark sang. "I did… didn't I?"
"Aren't your p-proud of yourself for killing those 'Bots?"
Starscream inhaled sharply. The answer had to be yes, it was obviously yes, what else could the answer be?
And yet…
He resisted the urge to be honest and say the truth, because how do you tell one of your own soldiers that you don't enjoy killing the enemy? How do you say "no, I don't like killing the Autobots who tried to take your life, a part of me wishes I did not need to defend you—"
"Commander?"
Starscream took a shaky breath. If his soldier knew the truth then he would be angry. Starscream had to do whatever it took to avoid making bots angry.
"Of course I am proud!"
The bloodied soldier sighed. "Just know that I'm proud of you—"
The air flashed hot violet and a wave of heat slammed into Starscream. He instinctively offlined his optics and felt the soldier's frame convulse and shudder for a single terrible moment.
The light and heat vanished as quickly as it had come. Starscream blinked his optics open and peered down at the Decepticon in his arms. A massive burnt hole was in his chestplate.
"What?!" Starscream shrieked. He turned around and look for the enemy who had fired—
Megatron stood off in the distance. His fusion cannon was extended and glowed hot purple in the night.
"Wait… Megatron?" Starscream whispered.
"It is indeed I."
Starscream dropped the body of the soldier and shakily stepped away from the dead frame. "Oh, Primus, you killed him, you killed him!"
"Stop panicking," Megatron sighed. "You have killed before. Why does death still shock you, my Seeker? Do you not enjoy the sensation of an enemy's spark fizzling out within your talon?"
Starscream shook as he stepped back from Megatron. "Why would I enjoy that sensation?" he whispered hoarsely.
Megatron leaned down so that they were optic-level. "Why not?"
"He wasn't an Autobot! His death was unnecessary! I w-wasn't aiding the enemy!"
"Were you, though?"
Starscream turned around and stared at the frames of the deactivated bots. The energon of the Autobots he had killed was still fresh and thick upon his servos and its oily scent wafted into the air and made his tanks spin. But it was a stench he had to get used to. Megatron intently watched Starscream as he rubbed the energon off of his arm and onto the ground.
"Oh, Starscream, oh Starscream, you are still learning. Never hesitate to make a kill," Megatron said. He hooked his heavy army around Starscream's shoulders in a comforting gesture, but it wasn't comforting at all; it just made a cold weight settle in Starscream's tanks.
The weight wouldn't go away, he realized. It would stay there within him and grow heavier and heavier with each life he took.
The blackened optics of a dead Autobot stared at him from the rubble.
He couldn't face the consequences of his actions and it was too late to go back now. He had to kill all future Autobots he met, he had to, he could not bring himself to stare into their optics and say "I killed your friends."
Was it cowardly to kill somebody just because you could not bear to look into their optics and tell them the terrible truth? Or heroic?
"You have pedes, Starscream. Use them!" Megatron shouted at him. His fusion cannon lit up with a violet hum—
Starscream instinctively dodged.
—and Megatron shot a bolt of plasma right through the chest of a dead Autobot Starscream had killed earlier. The Autobot's optics lit up purple and shattered outward in a shower of glass. Megatron hummed in satisfaction and stood behind Megatron as he looked out over the battlefield. Starscream flinched when Megatron placed his servos over Starscream's shoulders.
"Why did you kill one of your own soldiers the way you would an Autobot?" Starscream hissed out quietly.
"Hmm? What was that?"
Starscream's spark spun faster in its chamber and he continued to resolutely stare at the field of frames before him. He needed to look Megatron in the optic, he needed to stare the warlord down and tell him his actions weren't right.
Megatron's heavy grip on his shoulders tightened.
Starscream's optics widened. He bit his lip and continued to stare at the field of frames. A part of him wanted to turn around and look at Megatron in his optics as he confronted him, but another much larger part of him didn't want to feel those servos on his shoulder tighten.
Maybe one day he would be strong enough to look at his new leader in the optic. Maybe.
"M-master, why are you shooting the frames of the Autobots? They're already… gone."
Megatron laughed and each laugh rumbled through Starscream's frame. "The death of a loved one is difficult to get through, but it is even more difficult to move on from a death when there is no frame left behind." He lifted his cannon and fired another bolt right through another dead Autobot's frame.
Starscream shivered as he remembered a certain shuttle lost under the ice. "That's… terrible."
"Do you know why we are called Decepticons, my dear Seeker?" Megatron said softly. He lifted his fusion cannon and fired another blast. Another dead Autobot frame exploded.
"Because… because?"
"Because we deceived the world into thinking that they ever had a chance to stand against us. We lie, Starscream, that is what we do—and that is precisely what that soldier was doing to you!"
"He was just being kind to me!" Starscream snapped.
"Kindness does not exist among our ranks!" Megatron shouted as he fired his cannon again and again. "If he praised you and felt gratitude for you, it is because he wanted something from you. My naive little Seeker, surely you understand that there is no such thing as honest praise, do you?"
"Well…"
"If he praised you, then it is either because he wanted to sink your talons into you and manipulate you, or it is because he thinks you are better than you truly are!"
Starscream bit his lip. "Do… do I not deserve praise?"
"No. You do not."
"What?! But I killed all of these Autobots for you, I killed for you so many times over and over again—"
"And you shall kill for me many times again in the future. It is the way of things. But you deserve no praise for it. You do not need praise in order to be happy." Megatron walked off from Starscream and strode across the battlefield as he continued to fire his cannon at all of the frames that lied across his path. The nonstop boom of his cannon made the ground and air shake and made the entire battlefield flash hot violet over and over and over again. They walked along the edge of a ridge that overlooked the vast metal plains of Cybertron below. For a single moment Starscream felt an urge to just leap off the nearby cliff edge and fly off into the night.
Starscream's wings fell as he followed after Megatron. He could never allow Megatron to know his true feelings on things ever again. No, he could never allow anybody ever at all to know how he truly felt about things. Whenever he told the truth he incurred Megatron's wrath. If he had to lie from now on in order to avoid his leader's anger, so be it.
"And how do you know that he was really trying to get on my good side just to manipulate me, huh? How do you know that?"
Megatron stalked off and fired a volley of bolts into the frames littered around them.
"I said, how do you know?!"
"I know about everything. What these bots do is they pretend to like you, they pretend to be your friend, ohhh, they pretend, and then once they have lured you into thinking that you owe them, they then turn the tides and claim power! They claim Primacy… for themselves!"
"Megatron, what the frag—?"
"You are like a tiny sparkling greedy for attention! If you want somebody to come along and praise you, then you must praise yourself. I shall not spare any words of extra kindness to you and neither should you expect such frivolities from your fellow soldiers."
Starscream's spark sank. "I thought… I thought this was what you wanted? I thought… you said you'd be proud of me!"
"I was proud of you… until it became obvious to me just how much you rely on others for self-validation. That is nonsense. Validate yourself, wretch."
Somebody groaned. Starscream and Megatron both looked around for the source of the noise and they saw an energon-covered servo twitch from underneath a pile of rubble. Megatron walked over to the rubble and kicked it aside. A bloodied bot was laid out underneath it and looked up at them with shattered blue optics.
Blue.
There was an Autobot on the ground, oh Primus, an Autobot.
"Ah, an enemy!" Megatron laughed. He pointed his cannon right at the terrified Autobot's faceplate, charged it up—
He then paused. Megatron's helm slowly turned around and he looked right at Starscream.
Starscream refused to make optic contact and continued to stare out at the dusty horizon.
"If you have what it takes to kill, then why not end this bot's life? Prove to me that you can keep on killing for me. Prove to me that you have what it takes to avenge your dead city!" Megatron snarled. He stood behind Starscream and placed both of his heavy talons on the Seeker's shoulders and pushed Starscream toward the bot.
Starscream fell to his knees and stared wide-opticed at the bloody bot in front of him. He instinctively aimed his blaster right at the Autobot's chestplate, but then froze. He'd done this a hundred times before, but for some reason, it now felt so much harder.
All he had to do was activate his blaster and fire one shot, that was it, one single shot, and yet...
The Autobot began to speak. "You don't d-deserve—"
Starscream's optics widened and he panickedly fired.
The Autobot's optics went black and his words died in his intake. Starscream knelt over his empty frame and breathed heavily for several moments. One moment he had hesitated, and then in the next moment there was no hesitation to kill at all. Is that what he was now? A killing machine?
He did not need his enemy to tell him what he didn't deserve. He didn't want to know what he didn't deserve.
"And what's so wrong with telling my soldiers that they did a good job, Megatron? And why is it so wrong for them to return the favor?"
"Stop mingling with your soldiers on such a personal level! They are not your trinemates, they are your cannon fodder. They came from ash and they shall return to it. You must be above them, not with them."
Starscream whimpered. "Why are you so cruel?"
"Someone needs to be cruel. I have chosen to be that someone. The world needs a wake-up call. You, especially you in particular, badly need a wake-up call. You do not deserve praise. Performing well in a mission is not exemplary, it is average. Do you expect to be praised for basic competence?"
Starscream's wings fell. "Well, no, but I had just thought, I had just thought, um… I wanted to make you proud—"
"Ha! You thought you actually deserved praise? How rich coming from a murderer. It is your fault your city and people are now just ashes in the wind. Perhaps one day you will be worthy of praise when you avenge them."
Perhaps his new Master was right. It was wrong of him to expect that somebody would praise him for basic competency. Megatron fired off another plasma bolt and reduced the fallen Autobot frame into nothing but hot ash.
"Oh, stop with that infernal pouting!" Megatron groaned. He suddenly turned around and walked up so close to Starscream that his hot breath washed over the tips of the Seeker's wings. "Listen to me listen well because I am about to tell you a story few know. When I was not Megatron but instead D-16, a disposable bot who lived a disposable life… there were fellow miners who would come to me and praise me for my mining skills."
"They sound friendly!"
"Let me finish, wretch. They came to me, I came to them, and soon even other bots slinked into my life and offered me even more sweet words. Miners, archivists, the whole lot of them. And then..." Megatron's talon clenched into a fist. "They betrayed me. He betrayed me. And that is when I realized that all of the kindness, all of the sweetness… was a lie."
A fire started up in the empty frame of the Autobot and burned hotter and brighter with each moment. Soon they both stood underneath a hot purple inferno that blazed brightly upon the ruins of the battlefield.
"Well, surely some of it had to be real? Do… do you really believe that all of the kind words were a lie?" Starscream asked as he stared at the flames. He still couldn't bring himself to look Megatron in the optic.
Megatron lifted his helm up and let the heat of the inferno he started wash over him. "I do not believe that all of his kindness was a lie…"
Starscream let out a vent of relief. It was good to know that his new leader wasn't completely cynical—
"I know that they were all a lie. Every word and every smile that archivist offered me!"
Starscream flinched and stepped back from Megatron as he growled at the flames. The two of them stood in silence and watched the frame of the Autobot burn and roast away into nothingness. It seemed that the true fire there that day wasn't the inferno that raged in front of the two of them, but the angry inferno that was Megatron's EM field as it blazed and sparked around him with feelings of wrath and betrayal.
Um," Starscream began. "Besides me, who else have you told that story?"
Megatron hummed. "Well, Soundwave, Orion Pax—"
Megatron's shoulders tightened and his field suddenly grew hard and cold around him. He abruptly fired off a hot blast of plasma over the field that made the air shake with heat and the ground rumble. The plasma bolt hit dozens of frames and were engulfed in hot violet flames.
"Besides Soundwave…" Megatron said very slowly. "No one besides you has heard that story. Nobody important, at least."
Starscream stood there with wide optics and silently watched the violet inferno blaze on.
Perhaps his new leader was right. He needed to make himself proud and cut himself off from other bots more. But he couldn't help it—the joy of being praised made his spark sing, and yet—
The inferno of frames burned on and on.
He couldn't afford to end up like those bots.
If shutting himself off from others was what he needed to do in order to become strong enough and independent enough to survive this war, if all praise from others bots was just a lie and a trick… then Starscream needed to learn to start to praise himself. He had to be less reliant on others.
He only needed himself.
"I… I can do this. I can rely on my own praise to carry me forward. I… I personally e-extinguished the spark of the Autobots," he said hesitantly. For some reason those words he uttered made his spark feel tight. He never thought a day would come when he would ever boast about his Autobot kills, but he also thought a day would never come upon which he'd kneel in the ashes of Vos.
"Good, good." Megatron grabbed onto Starscream's arm and hoisted the Seeker up into the air. He dangled Starscream over the cliff edge and Starscream shrieked at the sight of the far drop down below. He clawed at Megatron's grip on his arm and looked back at Megatron.
"Sir, no!"
Megatron dropped him.
Starscream plummeted through the air and rapidly transformed. He shot up from the ground in a flurry of fire and arced off into the sky as the hot sting of betrayal ached in his spark.
Megatron said nothing and continued to silently stare at the ash-ridden horizon as Starscream flipped back into his root-mode and dropped to a knee beside him.
Starscream's optics were wide and his vents shook his entire frame as raw hurt fizzled through his field.
"What was that for?!" Starscream whimpered. Megatron's deep shadow fell over him and he continued to kneel on the ground before the warlord. He didn't want to move, he couldn't move, even the slightest motion could provoke Megatron again.
"You took flight all by yourself," Megatron said slowly.
"...Yes, because you tossed me off a cliff!"
"Which only proves my theory that you do not need to rely on others in order to be confident in yourself and take flight."
Starscream's words choked in his throat and he looked up at Megatron. The warlord walked over to the fallen and deactivated frame of another Autobot. He raised his pede and brought it down. The dead mech's chestplate cracked and shattered. He looked back up at Starscream and smiled.
"Stop relying on praise. Praise is foolhardy and ridden with lies. If you want there to be somebody to have confidence in you… you need to be that somebody. Stop relying on others and only rely on yourself… and me, of course."
Megatron reached his talon out to Starscream.
"Take my talon, Starscream, take it and together we will do such great things."
Starscream stared up at him with wide optics. He rapidly glanced back and forth between the corpse-ridden battlefield and Megatron's outstretched talon. If he didn't accept Megatron's talon, he would be just as dead as his fellow soldiers.
But maybe he was right. Maybe he was too reliant on the validation of others. Maybe he just needed to look within himself all along.
Starscream slowly reached out and lightly grabbed ahold of Megatron's talon. He flinched as if he expected the talon to burn him.
Megatron pulled Starscream to his knees and then suddenly leaned in and hugged the Seeker. Starscream's optics widened and he hesitantly wrapped his arms around the massive warlord. Finally! This was the moment in which Megatron would stop being so patronizing to him and would finally see him as a peer, the way he had promised he would—
"Oh, Starscream…"
Megatron's grasp suddenly grew tighter. Starscream gasped in pain as the warlord's arms tightened and constricted around his entire frame.
"Never, ever call me 'Sir' ever again."
"But then…" Starscream choked out. "What do I call you?"
Megatron laughed and every single one of his laughs rumbled through Starscream's frame all the way down to his spark chamber.
"Always call me Master from now on."
"...Yes, Master."
They couldn't hear him, but he could hear them. Starscream stared wide-opticked at the ceiling of the medbay. The sounds of the Autobot's voices drifted through the air and rang around in his helm. He scowled and buried his helm in talons, but the murmur of the voices still drifted through and into his helm.
Frag this. He shot upright and stared at the wall. Crime and punishment went hand-in-hand and it was only a matter of time before he was punished for what happened to Bulkhead. No, Optimus would not raise his servo against him, but he couldn't say the same for the other Autobots.
But Optimus had said otherwise, a voice in his helm whispered to him. He said you were innocent, innocent, innocent—
The metal of the berth creaked underneath his talon's grip. Starscream looked down and saw that his talons were tightly clenched onto the medbay berth.
His room. He suddenly felt an overwhelming need to get back to his room. There was something precious hidden away there in great jeopardy and he needed to find it and ensure it was safe. Starscream shot upright and his vision briefly flickered in and out as a wave of vertigo made him sway.
A pair of servos grabbed onto his arms and he blinked as his sense of balance returned. Starscream onlined his optics and looked up into the concerned faceplate of Optimus.
"Starscream…"
He scrambled back and away from Optimus. "No, no, I'm fine, I am fine—"
"You need to calm down, frag it!" Ratchet grumbled as he strode into the medbay. "The memory transfer you performed with Bulkhead had consequences and we need to discuss them."
"Ooh, we don't need to discuss anything, how about that?"
"Don't get coy with me, I've had enough attitude from you to last me a lifetime!" Ratchet said as he stomped towards Starscream.
Starscream's salvation came in the form of a giant green Wrecker.
"Hey Star!" Bulkhead shouted as he walked into the main room. An enormous wave of relief crashed through Starscream, but at the same time he also felt a deep weight settle upon his spark. Here was the mech he'd saved, but also the mech he would never have needed to save had he not endangered him at all in the first place—
"Have you been avoiding me?" Bulkhead laughed.
"What? I don't avoid things!" Starscream scoffed.
"Ohoho, you even still have your sense of humor, nice!"
"What sense of humor?"
"Ah, classic Star," Bulkhead sighed as he clapped one of his giant servos over Starscream's scarred shoulder. "Y'know, I got worried for you for a moment there, what with the way you hooked your processor into mine… and then the way Soundwave hooked his processor into yours… and the way you then went coocoo for cocoa puffs"
Starscream cleared his throat. "Ah, yes, I was there. I remember."
"Yeah, so do you get why I've got the heebies-jeebies? Sounders didn't do something funky to your processor, did he?" Bulkhead said as he leaned in and inspected the dark weld mark that crossed over the side of Starscream's helm.
Starscream's spark froze for a single moment in fear at the sudden close contact and he stepped away.
"Hey, calm down, I don't bite! Wait…" Bulkhead gasped. "Did I bite you while I was losing my memory? I was pretty out of it, I probably did some pretty weird stuff—"
"No, no, there was no… biting, just lots of painting and creepy whispering," Starscream groaned.
"Ah, good!" Bulkhead laughed. He took a step back and his optics widened as he scanned Starscream up and down. "Woah, you look kinda like slag, Star."
"Harsh, aren't you?" Starscream sniffed.
"No need to throw a hissy fit!"
"I am not throwing a hissy fit!"
"You literally just hissed at me!"
Ratchet pushed his way in between them and pushed Bulkhead back. "Alright, alright, enough bickering! Are you all right?"
"Why do you care?"
"Because I'm your doctor. Now, are you all right?"
Starscream rolled his optics. "I'm okay, really, I am. I feel fine!"
Ratchet raised an optical ridge. "Do you really?"
Starscream fell silent and felt the weight within his chest grow. "I…"
Bulkhead pushed past Ratchet and placed both of his servos upon Starscream's shoulders. "Hey, but in all seriousness… you saved me, buddy."
"I… I suppose I did…" Starscream whispered to himself as his optics widened. He was used to having bots angrily attack him because he tried to attack them. He was most certainly not used to having bots warmly praise him because he saved them. The warm gratitude that bubbled in Bulkhead's field and the sheer sense of appreciation he heard in every syllable in the Wrecker's voice made his spark spin. All of this praise should make him feel good, yes, but for some reason, the weight in his chest grew heavier and heavier with each kind word of thanks.
Bulkhead suddenly grabbed Starscream and gave him the most crushing hug a Wrecker possibly could.
"Ease down on the pressure, ease down!" Starscream laughed. He should be happy, he knew that much… yet there was still a lingering sense of doubt closed around his spark. He wanted to just throw his arms around this big weird green Autobot he had befriended, but something held him back. Maybe it was just leftover anxiety, or some deep fear that Megatron had instilled in him, or just something else. He remained frozen in Bulkhead's tight grip and let each one of the Wrecker's massive laughs shake his frame. Optimus watched from the side and the two of them made optic contact. Starscream wasn't sure, but for a single moment he swore he detected a hint of concern in Optimus's field.
Everything felt like it was falling apart. There were so few things in Starscream's life he had any actual control over now. But there was one thing he could control, one precious thing hidden away in his room that could keep him going if things got really bad. He needed to know that it was safe.
Bulkhead finally let Starscream down and smiled at Ratchet. "I swear, it's like he hardly weighs anything at all—"
Starscream briskly walked past the medic and the Wrecker and down the halls of the base. If he saved somebody's life and they praised him while he was still a Decepticon on the Nemesis, he would have just stayed there with them and soaked in all the praise.
But it seemed like the more praise he soaked in, the heavier the weight on his spark fell.
Starscream walked briskly through the halls. They were completely different from the halls of the Nemesis—the Decepticon warship's halls were sharp and hostile and designed to intimidate, whereas the halls of the Autobot base were small, yes, but warm and bright. But both shared one thing in common: both halls were empty most of the time and both were home to long and empty echo chambers he'd wander through when his processor wandered to dark places.
"You're alone," Megatron's voice whispered in his helm.
Laughter echoed through the air.
"Because you choose to be alone."
He wasn't really all that far from the main room, he could still turn around, still walk back and no longer be alone—
Bulkhead's warm laughter bounced through the air. Starscream froze.
"Because you deserve to be alone," Megatron's oily voice whispered.
It was thanks to him that Bulkhead nearly rotted away, it was thanks to him that that warm laughter almost completely disappeared.
He could walk into the main room with the Autobots, but then that would mean that he'd be in the same room as Bulkhead, within the same room as the bot he nearly got killed—
Starscream blinked and looked around. He had turned and fled without even realizing it. It seemed that fleeing came naturally to him.
He hated the voice, hated it so much, he wanted to take his talons and dig them into his helm and rip out the warlord's poisonous voice from his helm so that he wouldn't have to listen to him anymore.
But maybe, this time… maybe the voice was right. Maybe he should listen to its advice again so that nobody could get hurt again.
Starscream grit his dentae and walked farther into the depths of the base.
Pede steps resounded throughout the hall and made the floor shake. Starscream froze. The weight of those pedesteps was familiar, but the stride was all wrong. He logically knew that it was not who he thought it was, but there was still some part of him that wanted to cry and run in the opposite direction.
Optimus turned the corner. "We must speak about the upcoming mission."
"Oh, let me guess? You're going to forbid me from going on missions and just let me rot within base!" Starscream said. He filled his voice with as much scorn as possible in order to hide the sheer relief that blossomed in his chestplate at the sight of Optimus. Now that he thought about it, being forbidden from going on a mission was... not a bad thing. He could not hurt other bots if he was not even around them.
"Starscream…"
"Just leave me alone," Starscream scoffed. He was far too dangerous and far too destructive even when he was not trying to be. He'd tried to help, and Bulkhead had to pay the price. He knew that the green Wrecker was safe and well, yes, but some deep part of him felt like Bulkhead was still dead.
No, it would be much better for everybody if he just stayed within the base. He could still contribute, he could still help the team. Just while separated. It was always the way of things. He was meant to be separate and apart from everybody from the moment he was forged. He'd chosen the quarters farthest from Megatron for a reason.
He probably had nothing to worry about. There was no way Prime would allow him to accompany them on yet another ill-fated mission.
A heavy servo landed on his shoulder. "Starscream, I want you to come with us."
Starscream froze and his spark pulsed in his chestplates. He slowly and gradually turned around and came faceplate-to-faceplate with the concerned Prime.
"What?" he asked so softly that even his own audials didn't hear the single shocked word.
Optimus nodded and his field rippled out in pity again. "I know that if I leave you alone here at base then your own guilt will consume you. You are one of your own worst enemies. But if you are beside me, then I can stop you from falling again."
"Falling?" Starscream laughed bitterly. "Falling into insanity again, is that what you're saying? I'm something that needs to be supervised, something that needs to be observed?"
"Starscream…"
"Well, is that why you're doing this? So you can observe me?"
"Yes, Starscream. I cannot help you if you are not beside me."
He was going to be observed. That single awful word made his spark pulse within his chestplates. He remembered the way Soundwave lurked outside of his quarters at night and the way the cameras of the Nemesis moved to watch him as he strode through the halls. Even when Megatron was lost deep in the vast depths of space, even when Starscream was at the top of the hierarchy, he never truly was. There was always someone who watched him from above.
"There is a difference," Optimus said in that soft sickening way of his, "between being spied upon, and being cared upon."
Starscream grit his dentae. "And how do you know that I'm not a threat to the team, huh? What if I just mess everything up again?"
"You will not 'mess up.' And even if you do make a mistake, I will help you fix it. I will be beside you."
He gently grabbed ahold of Starscream's shoulder and steered him back towards the main room. Starscream longingly looked over his shoulder at the dark halls in which he could hide.
"I'm fine," he sighed.
Optimus squinted down at him.
Starscream rolled his optics. "What? What's that look mean? Noooooo, don't look at me like that, that's the Primely-look-of-disapproval-and-concern!"
"So you admit that you understand that I am concerned for you."
"Oh, you—! Shoo, go… go transform and roll out, that's the catchphrase, right?"
"Starscream."
"And now you're doing that thing where you say my designation in a tight and worried tone of voice and—and—"
"And it was not your fault."
"And we're not having this conversation."
"We are. We have to have it. Why can you not accept your innocence? You do not have to suffer for the consequences of what happened."
Consequences. Starscream was keenly aware of those. The consequences of his actions were strewn all over the place.
"Oh, are we talking about my nonexistent innocence now?"
"Starscream..."
"I'm not innocent! You know that. I'm a fragging war criminal!"
"Yes, you are guilty for your past crimes. But what happened with Bulkhead? That was no crime, nor was it your fault—"
Starscream groaned and looked longingly back down the hall as Optimus contiend to talk.
"—Look at me, no, look at me. You are innocent."
"You've already said that a million times."
"Because it is true and I will say it a million times more if that is what I must do to convince you of your innocence."
"But if I hadn't… hadn't encouraged him to keep reciting…"
"Can you honestly say that you know for certain that your encouragement to make him recite the logs actually accelerated his memory loss?"
"Well, no, but it makes sense, doesn't it?"
"It is over. There is no point in dwelling on it."
"There are many things worth dwelling on, Optimus! Like all of the stupid mistakes I've made since I've arrived here, like the fact that I don't beli—" Starscream's words died in his intake.
"Like the fact that you don't... what?"
Starscream shuffled his pedes. "Um, the fact that I don't, that I can't… fly?"
"That is not what you were originally going to say," Optimus sighed.
"So what?!"
"You were originally going to say that you feel you don't belong here, weren't you?"
Oh no. Oh no. Now Optimus thought he was being ungrateful, now the Prime thought that he was unhappy to be in the base, and then Optimus would question whether he really should keep Starscream in the base or not and whether he should really allow Starscream to become one of them and—
"You accidentally spoke your thoughts out loud again." Optimus said softly. "You're already one of us. Look at your chestplate, Starscream. We did not place that badge there for no reason."
"Well, er, maybe it was the only patch Ratchet had lying around and maybe he just needed it because he just needed something to patch my chestplate with and—"
"This badge is no spare patch he had lying around. He made it specifically for you. He cut it out for you from the same metal sheets you and Bulkhead drew illustrations upon."
Silence.
Starscream then sighed and rubbed his talon down his faceplate. "Slag it, Prime, I'm not worthy, okay? I'm not worthy to follow you or be a part of your legacy."
"Yes, you are. You have proven that. You have begun to understand what it means to be an Autobot and you will be able to teach others what it means to be an Autobot."
"What are you even talking about? I'm nothing without you! I can't go off and teach Little Autobot Junior the art of being an Autobot! That's your thing."
"When our homeworld is rebuilt, you will be there beside me. You will not be cast out from the base, you will be there, beside me, and you will be able to continue on my legacy."
Starscream sighed and leaned against the wall of the hall as he stared at Optimus. The Prime just stared right back unyielding as silence reigned between the two mechs.
"So do you plan these speeches before you talk to me, or what?"
"I do not plan these speeches out beforehand. I speak them from the spark. Maybe one day you will be able to stop lying to yourself and will be able to be truly honest with yourself one day. Maybe one day you will be able to speak from your spark. You are going on the mission so that I can watch over you."
"I don't need 'supervision.'"
"You are correct. You are much more independent than you give yourself credit for. You just need someone to watch over you."
Optimus wanted him out on the mission, out and about with the other Autobots, on a potential battlefield upon which he could potentially mess everything up.
"Do you know what happened the last time I was allowed to go on missions, Optimus? I happened. I messed everything up!"
Optimus sighed heavily. "And you still cling to the belief that the blame is on your shoulders."
Starscream scoffed. "Well, someone has to take the blame."
"...Why do you think that?"
"Someone has to take the blame and the anger and bear it all. It's for the good of the team."
"...No. That is not for the good of the team. Placing false blame upon someone who has done no wrong and making them bear the burden of the team's anger is a terrible way to run a team. Where did you develop such an idea—? Oh. Oh."
"Yes, from... him."
"I have yet again stumbled across another lie he has hooked into your processor."
"It's not a lie, it's the truth! That really is my role back on the Nemesis!"
"It is a terrible truth. That is how Megatron runs things… but not us. You speak as if you feel you are still on the Nemesis."
Silence.
"Do you sometimes still feel like… you are alongside Megatron? As if he never left you?" Optimus asked softly.
Yes.
"No! And besides, I left him," Starscream scoffed.
"He always left you behind to suffer both mentally and physically. Remember, Starscream… you are not alongside him, you are alongside me and always will be beside me for as long as you wish. Always."
Starscream sighed. "If I refuse to go on that mission, you'll just carry me through the bridge, won't you?"
Optimus smiled. "Perhaps."
"Fine then. Just… let me check something first."
Optimus nodded and watched Starscream run off into the shadows of the base.
Starscream skid around a corner and looked in both directions before he then slipped into his room. He shut the door tightly behind him and got onto the floor.
A bright blue glow shone from underneath Starcream's berth. He quickly glanced over his shoulders before he then reached out with his arm and pushed several crates underneath his berth out of the way. Bright blue light spilled out into his room and a vent of pure relief left his frame as he let out a bitter laugh. Several energon cubes were tucked underneath his berth, safely hidden and kept away out of sight.
Safe and hidden—two beautiful things Starscream never had the pleasure of experiencing while on the Nemesis.
The Autobots always gave him a cube every day, yes, but he did not necessarily refuel everyday. One cube went into his systems, and the other he always stowed away safely out of sight. After all, it was only a matter of Prime before he made a terrible mistake and Optimus forbade him from refueling.
Starscream pushed the metal crates back into place and leaned back against the wall as he began to shake. He dragged his talons down his faceplate as his abdomen thrummed with pain. There was nothing wrong with his abdomen, he knew that. The pain wasn't from the present, it was just an echo from the past.
The blue glow of the hidden energon shone faintly from the corner of his vision. Megatron had prevented him from refueling as much as he had needed as a form of punishment. He remembered the way Megatron had loomed over him and the way the warlord's hot breath had stenched of energon as he leaned in close to Starscream and snatched his daily refueling cube away from his talons. He remembered the way he'd blearily stumbled through the Nemesis, half-starved and angry and grieving, grieving not only for Vos but for the old days in which he could refuel as much as he wanted.
A deep voice from within his memories echoed through his helm. "This is an act of kindness," Megatron had so softly and so kindly whispered as he had ripped the first of many cubes away from Starscream's talons—
Starscream needed more fuel than most other frame types. It seemed he now needed many things nowadays. He held his arms over his abdomen and let out a deep vent.
Optimus had promised him that he would not cruelly punish him, but that was such a strange word, wasn't it? Cruelty. What one bot would consider cruel another would consider to be kind.
"This is an act of kindness," Megatron's voice whispered in his helm. "It is an act of mercy. You are lucky that I am merely depriving you of fuel and not instead doing something far worse to you right now."
And it was mercy. It had been kind of Megatron to just take his sustenance away rather than his life away. Sure, the hunger pangs had hurt, those terrible knife-like stabs of pain that would shoot through his tank as he writhed around on his berth in the middle of his dark room in the Nemesis in the middle of the night—but the hunger pangs had never hurt nearly as much as a regular beatings had hurt.
Most of the time.
What if the rest of the Autobots would decide to punish him for allowing Bulkhead's processor to rot away? What if they decided to limit the amount of energon he intaked in order to keep him hungry and under control. It would be much harder for him to mess up and accidentally get another bot killed if he couldn't even think properly. Yes, Optimus had said that he would be much kinder to him than Megatron had been. The Prime had said he would never beat him, so instead he would probably just prevent Starscream from refueling because that was kindness after all.
His hidden stash of energon was safely tucked away, it was safe, it was, and yet—
Starscream got up to walk away and then froze. He reached out with the tip of his pede and lightly nudged one of the metal crates the side. Blue light shone across the floor.
Another imaginary pang of hunger rippled through his abdomen. He was so familiar with the pain of starvation that just merely thinking of it brought the pain back.
He ran out into the hall and towards the main room. Maybe he would be able to find an enormous cache of energon while out on the mission—or maybe he would find nothing at all. Either way, he would never have to experience the sharp pains of hunger ever again.
The stache was safe. The energon was safe. And when the day came that Optimus would cut down his daily energon ration, then he would still be able to sneak away and refuel. Starscream let out a sigh of relief as he walked back into the halls of the base. The hunger was painful, but still so much more merciful and so much kinder than a beating. He could only hope that Optimus would only cut down his daily ration by just a quarter instead of by half, the same way Megatron used to.
That would be merciful.
Kindness indeed.
He got up and walked out into the main room. All he had to do was get this stupid mission over with.
"Hey Star!" a voice shouted.
Starscream froze. Everybody turned around and all laid optics on Bulkhead as he ran up to them.
No. No. No. The sight of that familiar green armor and easy smile made something tight coil up in Starscream's tank for some reason. A burst of guilt shot through him. Bulkhead had done so much for him, and yet here he was, terrified of the Wrecker for some odd reason.
Bulkhead ran up to Starscream at full speed with his arms out—
Starscream instinctively stepped back. He'd literally just seen him, yet, but it still surprised him to see the Wrecker intact and whole.
Bulkhead froze and his smile fell. "You alright there, Star?"
Starscream remained silent and said nothing at all as he stared wide-opticed at Bulkhead—Bulkhead, the mech he nearly got killed, Bulkhead, the bot he had failed, the same Bulkhead who had nearly become his latest victim—
Starscream forced a smile onto his faceplate. "It is good to see you, Wrecker."
Bulkhead snorted. "We just met! Oh, so we're back to Wrecker now? You keep that up and I'll go back to to calling you 'Starry,' I know you hate that nickname!"
"Hahaha, such humor, yes, well," Starscream slammed down onto the groundbridge lever and watched the bright green bridge whirl to life in the middle of the room. Everybody looked up in surprise at the bridge's sudden activation.
"We should get this over this," Starscream said tightly. He needed to get this all over with. The warm hugs, the smiles, the kindness. No, he'd nearly gotten one of them killed and shouldn't go on missions with the rest of them anymore. But they wouldn't take no as an answer, not yet. He'd tag along and grin through every mission that he had to before they inevitably came to the same realization he had. Soon they would realize just how destructive he truly was and relegate him to the sidelines where he should be and—
Optimus put a servo on his shoulder and gave the Seeker a long look.
"Um, don't do that," Starscream said as he coughed awkwardly.
"Do what?"
"Don't… don't look at me like I'm a broken tool."
Optimus frowned. "Is that how you are used to being looked at?"
Starscream's optics widened and his intake opened and closed as he tried to find something to say. "I'm not broken!"
Optimus hummed and looked over at Ratchet.
"Ratchet, I feel that it would be best if you accompanied us in order to help me keep an optic on Starscream. I am confident that he has healed correctly, but the implications of the memory transfer still concern me."
"That's really not necessary—" Starscream began to say. Optimus took one look at him and the Seeker went silent.
Ratchet sighed heavily and dragged his servo down his faceplate. "I'm not getting out of this, now am I?"
"I am afraid not, old friend."
Ratchet pointed a digit right at Jack up on the mezzanine. "You. Bridge us back, assuming that Starscream doesn't get us all blasted to bits in the meantime."
Starscream flinched at Ratchet's words and bit his lip. Hopefully nobody had noticed. Optimus looked at him intently and hooked his arm around the Seeker's shoulder.
"Autobots… transform and roll out."
"But I can't transform!" Starscream said with a huff.
"Then you and I will walk through this bridge… together."
The moment he emerged from the bridge Starscream shrugged off Optimus's arm and ran outside into the cold air. He was not running from his problems. Nope, not at all.
Optimus stepped up beside him and gave him a long look. His field prickled with hesitation, he frowned, and slag it, the Prime was going to pull him aside and try to have another one of his chats with him and—
Starscream looked at where they had bridged to and his optics widened. "I remember this place," he said.
The rest of the Autobots came out of the bridge and they all looked down into the far valley below. Rolling green trees stretched as far as their optics could see and grey jagged mountains rose up far off in the distance. He remembered flying through this place's cold grey skies and riding the drafts of air that curled off the mountain peaks. Starscream's back twinged in pain at the memory of its missing wing.
"Energon was detected here. The ground is too uneven to drive, so we must walk," Optimus said as they all began to walk on top of a ridge that overlooked the valley below. He looked at Starscream and narrowed his optics. "I worry about how the… incident… has affected you."
"The incident?" Starscream asked. He knew precisely what the Prime asked him, but some part of him thought that maybe if he pretended the incident hadn't happened at all it would somehow become easier to move past it.
"You know precisely what I speak of. You have not been the same since then."
Bulkhead's optics had been so cold and so blue and so dead—
"I'm over it," Starscream said coolly.
Optimus raised an orbital ridge. "Are you really, though? I know a shaken mech when I see one. You have the same look in your optics that you did back in the cave."
Starscream stood still and stared up at Optimus. "What are you trying to imply? I'm not the same bot I was back in the cave! I'm no longer such a sad and broken thing."
"But just now, you did not deny that you are broken."
Starscream pointed his talon at the Prime. "Not here! Not now! Not where…"
"... the others can see?"
"Yes, precisely," Starscream huffed.
"They have already seen how broken you are."
"Well, they don't need a reminder!"
"There is no shame in showing weakness."
"Yes, there is! Megatron taught me that!"
Optimus shook his helm and grabbed onto Starscream's shoulders. "You need to learn to move past his lessons. He did not educate you, he miseducated you."
"And I know that. But surely not all of his lessons could have been that bad, right? I don't…" Starscream trailed off and fluttered his wing anxiously.
Optimus looked out over the valley. "Perhaps. But there was most likely a sinister purpose behind everything he taught you—even the most seemingly innocuous of lessons."
He had centered so much of his life around Megatron's teachings. Now it felt like heresy to abandon them all.
"I understand that unlearning everything that you have been taught over thousands of years will be… a difficult experience, but I will be there beside you for it all."
"Why do you always keep saying that?" Starscream asked softly.
"Saying what?"
"Saying that you'll always be beside me and that we'll always be together!"
"Because it is true, Starscream. I will ensure that we stay together through all of this."
The air buzzed. Starscream and Optimus both looked at each other and then down over the ridge below. Something bright purple slammed into the ridge and the rocks shifted underneath them.
The ground slid out from under their pedes in a flurry of rocks. Optimus reached out to grab Starscream's arm, but his servos grazed the tips of Starscream's talons and the Seeker plummeted down alongside Ratchet and Arcee.
The three of them rolled down the steep hill and into the valley below as a cloud of dust from the landslide completely covered the area. Starscream shot to his pedes and looked around for Optimus… and then looked up. Three pairs of bright blue optics watched from up high.
Optimus looked down over the ridge and at Arcee, Ratchet, and Starscream below. His optics lingered on Starscream and he called down to them. "We will rendezvous ahead! Stay calm," he said. Somehow, Starscream understood that the Prime's request to stay calm was directed right at him in particular.
"Greattt," Starscream groaned as he brushed dust off his frame. The Prime's absence made a knot form in his spark. All he wanted was to flee from Optimus, but now that they were separated he was upset again. He turned around and saw the two Autobots who hated him the most right behind him.
"Let's get this over with. You're staying in my sight this time. No dirty tricks!" Ratchet said as he began to tromp off into the direction Optimus had pointed.
"'Dirty tricks?' My tricks aren't dirty!" Starscream scoffed. He looked behind his shoulder at the landslide and shuddered. The air here was always cold, yes, but for some reason it felt colder today.
"You're staying within my line of sight. The last time I looked away from you you were attacked by a monster truck!"
"Uh, no," Starscream said as he shook his helm. "I was attacked with a monster truck. There is a difference."
Ratchet and Arcee looked at each other.
"What? There is! Okay, that bit in particular was a tad reckless of me I suppose, but I only managed to get my processor invaded just once, so ha!"
Arcee snorted. "You are not making the point that you think you are making."
"Oh, shush, let me finish. I mean, yes, it was… my fault that what happened to Bulkhead happened…"
Arcee and Ratchet glanced at each other again.
"...but the monster truck nonsense? Not my fault! Blame the fleshies for building the things in the first place!"
A slender purple shape darted over the treetops. The air buzzed, Starscream's optics widened—and the sound of a fired blaster echoed loud and clear over the woods.
"Oh, frag!" Arcee sighed.
"I swear, if that's a monster truck—"
"Shush, Starscream!" Ratchet groaned.
Starscream, Arcee, and Ratchet all glanced at each with wide optics and ran into the woods. Far up ahead a massive cloud of smoke belched out of a hole in the ground. The air was lit up with sparks and glowed a hot shade of orange as the ground itself burned.
"What the frag even is that?" Ratchet said as he looked down into the burning pit.
Starscream peered over the edge and stumbled back as a wave of nostalgia overtook his processor. He knew this place. It was the first mine he'd proudly established when Megatron vanished into the stars.
And now his mine had just been completely ruined.
Starscream clenched his talons into his fists and stared down at the mine he had worked so hard to create and that was now an inferno. Arcee watched him cautiously with wide optics and a sense of trepidation filled her field as she kept an optic on the angry Seeker.
"Why would Megatron be foolish enough to destroy a perfectly good mine, and not just any mine, but the one I created?" Starscream snapped.
He knew that he needed to leave his life as a Decepticon behind, but he just couldn't help it. He remembered detecting this source of energon and remembered breaking the first ground upon it. For a single moment in time just a few years ago, he had stood there, his wings wide and proud as he looked upon the mine that he had created.
He was an Autobot now—or so Optimus said—and he knew he shouldn't care anymore about being a 'Con. He knew he needed to stop considering his Decepticon achievements as actual achievements. They were for the wrong side after all and each good thing that happened to the 'Cons was bad for the Autobots, they were bad for Optimus. But this mine couldn't help but remind him of the good days when he was a success, the good days when he didn't make critical errors that nearly resulted in his friend's processor's rotting away and—
Starscream smelled ash. Not just any ash, but the ash that had drifted through the red skies of Vos after his city had been blown to cinders. Starscream clenched his talons into fists even tighter and felt the tips of his talons prick the mesh of his servo and draw up energon.
"Pah, who knows why Megatron even does anything anymore?" Ratchet grumbled.
Arcee stared at Starscream from across the flames. "I thought you no longer cared about your life as a Decepticon," she said coldly, slowly, accusingly.
"And I don't!" Starscream said quickly. Something moved in the trees. "It's not like that… it's not, it's just—"
The trees to their sides rustled and Starscream froze. He looked out into the dark trees and swore he saw a slender purple shape dart past.
"We can go around the fire," Arcee suggested.
"No," Starscream said. If they went around the flames then they would have to go into the trees, the same cold dark trees that made chills run down his spinal strut and that made his spark twist in on itself.
"What's the problem now?" Ratchet sighed.
"The problem here is that going around the fire is a stupid idea. That's the problem."
Arcee frowned and frustration blared in her field. "Oh, and what's so wrong with it?"
There is something there in the woods, Starscream thought to himself. It would be so easy to just open his intake and say those words, but something made him halt and pause. He'd lost the ability to hide the fear in his voice a long time ago. There was no way in slag he was going to walk up to the two Autobots who judged him and hated him the most and fearfully tell them that he was scared of the dark like a little sparkling. No, he'd pretend everything was fine. To show fear was to show weakness and he was not weak.
"I can handle this, we can just… walk around the edge of the mine," Starscream said. The flames had died down but still flickered across the burnt and blackened soil along the edge of the mine.
"Are you sure about that?" Ratchet said.
"What, do you think I can't handle a walk through the woods?"
"I think that you just can't handle fire, that's all," Ratchet said as he crossed his arms.
Starscream leaned in and narrowed his optics at the medic. "And why do you think that?"
Ratchet frowned and his field crinkled around him uncomfortably. "Optimus said that you have certain… triggers."
Starscream ignored them both and walked into the flames. He ignored their shouts behind him and marched right ahead. Something cold and dark slithered through the shadowy trees beside him, but he kept his optics pointed right ahead of him. He was being followed, he was certain of that now, but he couldn't bear to look.
The small flames licked the ground around his pedes and the smell of hot ash circulated through the air, but everything was fine, everything was fine. Starscream continued to walk forward—
A tree that had been on fire exploded with a large boom.
Starscream shrieked and instinctively looked up into the sky. One of Vos's towers had just snapped and boomed and it was going to fall, it was going to fall right on him—
The air buzzed. His helm snapped over and he looked through the flames and saw the outline of a violet visor that watched him from within the woods.
He stood completely still near the edge of the mine and just stared in silent horror.
"Why are you so arrogant?!" Arcee hissed at Starscream as she grabbed ahold of his arm and helped him stumble out of the flames.
Starscream collapsed to his knees in the dirt and desperately cycled his vents in order to blow out the hot ash of Vos that had settled into them. Except it wasn't Vos's ash, now was it? He growled and slammed his fist into the ground. He was a fool for letting his memories get the best of him again.
"Oh, you want to know why I am so arrogant?" he said slowly. Arcee was backlit by the flames and her shadow fell right over him. Ratchet watched intently from behind her.
"I want to know why you're so proud all the time and why you felt proud enough to kill—" Arcee's optics widened and she fell silent as she stared down at him. "Just… why the arrogance?"
Starscream rose to his pedes and looked up through the dark trees at the stars. "It is just who I am. We really need to find the others."
He tried to walk off, but Arcee reached out and grabbed his arm. "You didn't answer my question," she said coldly.
Starscream rolled his optics and tried to walk off again as his spark pulsed harder in his chestplates. She could never be allowed to know the true reason behind his arrogance, ever. He'd already exposed too much of his vulnerability to her and—
He froze. Something was wrong Arcee stared at him with wide optics.
"You said that out loud," Ratchet said gruffly.
"So, what is the true reason behind your pride?" Arcee said as she crossed her arms.
Starscream slapped his talon over his intake and took deep vents. She could never know, Ratchet could never know, Optimus… probably already knew.
"I just want to know why you constantly lord yourself over everybody," Arcee said.
Starscream took a deep and shuddery vent. Lord. The word rang around and around in his helm and brought back memories of hot red optics, shouting, cold silver armor, and oh, Starscream.
"What is the answer, oh Lord Starscream?" Ratchet said.
Something within Starscream snapped.
"I am arrogant because I have to be!" he shrieked.
Arcee and Ratchet both stepped back from him as he panted heavily. He stared at them for a few moments before he suddenly and swiftly turned around and began to walk off into the woods.
"In order to make myself great… I have to pretend to be great. If I'm not arrogant, if I'm not proud, then I'll stop having confidence within myself. And when I lose my confidence…" Starscream trailed off. He shouldn't be saying any of this, he shouldn't, but the words continued to come and his mine continued to burn behind him.
"And when I lose my confidence," he softly continued, "I sometimes lose myself in the process. I falter, do you know that? And I cannot afford to falter anymore."
"...Starscream, I think you already lost yourself," Arcee said.
He said nothing and continued to stare into the woods as regret wracked his frame. He should not have said that, should not have said anything at all—
"So you lie to yourself in order to keep yourself… motivated?" Arcee asked him.
Starscream took a deep vent and resisted the urge to lash out with his talons. "We all have our little lies, two-wheeler."
"Y'know, Starscream…" Arcee began. He rolled his optics and waited for her to go on yet another angry tirade about Cliffjumper and arrogance and his dark past.
"...sometimes I kind of pity you," she softly finished.
Starscream slowed to a halt and stood still in the middle of the dense woods. He stared out into the gloom of the forest and kept his optics pointed away from the femme.
He didn't need to have Optimus to be there to know what the Prime would say to him. He'd probably tell him to "let go of his arrogance" and to "stop lying, please," and to—
A thousand different things Optimus had said to him over his time with the Autobots suddenly came raced through Starscream's helm.
Optimus stepped out of the dense trees and right up to Starscream.
"Are you real?" he whispered to the Prime.
"Let go of your arrogance," the imaginary Optimus's voice echoed within his helm.
"I am here, Starscream," the real Optimus said with a tinge of hurt in his field.
Starscream stepped back. Optimus's field had shook with grief for just a single moment. Somehow he had managed to upset the Prime.
"What did I do?" Starscream hyperventilated. He had done something wrong, he had upset the Prime, he couldn't even tell if it was the real Optimus before him or not. The sickening but oh-so familiar feeling of being small and sad and weak clenched around his spark and he stepped back. He was tired of being weak, tired of crying over the holoforms who wore the faces of his dead friends and tired of the coolant that prickled in his optics whenever he thought about how Bulkhead's processor had nearly rotted away and how it was his fault—
Arcee stepped up to him and expectantly looked at him. He could for once in his life drop the mask and just let it shatter. He could just let himself be vulnerable and humble for once. Maybe for once a conversation with her wouldn't have to end in a fight.
He took a deep vent—
And smelled the ash of Vos again.
"You have done nothing wrong, Starscream," Optimus said as he smoothened his field and hid the tinge of hurt within it. "It just grieved me to see how the holoforms have impacted your perception of reality and ruined your ability to tell if I was real or not—"
He tuned Optimus's voice out and stared into the woods. He opened himself up and stepped down from his arrogance for just a split moment and now everything was going to slag. He'd mistakened the Prime for just another one of those wretched holoforms. But even worse, he'd hurt Optimus's feelings. He hurt them.
And he'd nearly even gotten Bulkhead killed.
No, he couldn't allow himself to ever be humble like this ever again. He didn't deserve all of this patience and kindness when all he did was hurt bots.
He faltered and that could not be allowed to happen again.
Optimus reached out to take ahold of Starscream's shaky talon—-it had begun to shake and he hadn't even realized that, oh Primus—and gently lifted the Seeker's servo. Arcee stood beside the Prime and looked at Starscream with more concern than he had ever seen from her before.
"Starscream…" she said.
He didn't deserve this. If he had to be arrogant to drive the Prime away from him a bit and to ensure that he wouldn't frag up and hurt Optimus's emotions yet again, then he'd be arrogant again.
Starscream pulled his talon out of Optimus's servo and ignored the way the action made his spark shrivel up on the inside.
"I can stand… on my own," he said slowly.
Optimus stared at him with wide optics, the flames burned behind him, the stench of Vos's corpse drifted in the air—-
"He was just trying to help you!" Arcee snapped. "How could you reject Prime like that? How could you?"
Bulkhead stepped out of the trees and looked upon the scene with wide optics. He stepped closer to Arcee and held her back as she began to advance upon the Seeker.
Starscream sighed and rolled his optics. "Not now."
"No, we are doing this right now!"
"Hey, Star," Bulkhead awkwardly cleared his throat. "'Bee said he wanted you!"
Starscream considered him for a moment. "Did he really say that?"
Bulkhead bit his lip and nodded. "Yep, and I should take you to him!" He gently pushed Arcee away from the Seeker and he shared a long glance with Optimus as he grabbed Starscream by the arm and led the Seeker off.
"Hep hep hep, you two need supervision!" Ratchet grumbled as he ran after Starscream and Bulkhead.
"Where are we going?" Starscream asked as the stench of Vos grew thicker and hotter in his vents. He wasn't sure if more things really continued to burn or if it was just a fire in his imagination.
"Oh, there's a fire alright," Bulkhead muttered as he led Starscream off into the woods. "And yes, you said that out loud."
Starscream groaned and covered his intake with his talon again. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Arcee and Optimus stare at him as he was led off.
"'Bee needs you. There really is a fire, but it's… of a different kind," Bulkhead sighed. Somehow, Starscream knew that he wasn't talking about the inferno that blazed behind them.
"You're burning up, Starscream," said a voice in his helm that sounded like both Arcee and Optimus.
"You're burning up."
"Well, where is Bumblebee?" Starscream sighed as Bulkhead led him through a thick cluster of trees.
Bulkhead scratched the back of his neck cabling. "Uh… not here. I kinda lied a bit just so that I'd have an excuse to pull you away from that mess."
"What?! You said he needed me!"
"I think you need him."
"I had the situation under control!"
Ratchet and Bulkhead both glanced at each other.
"Whatever you say!" Bulkhead laughed. It wasn't the usual easygoing laugh the Wrecker normally had. Instead, there was something tense and… sad about it.
Starscream silently walked alongside Bulkhead with Ratchet right behind them. He had previously felt so comfortable in the Wrecker's presence, but now that it was just the two of them alone he never felt more nervous. A part of him couldn't even believe that Bulkhead was still here, alive, and most importantly, whole. Some part of Starscream still expected the Wrecker to turn around at any moment, open his intake, and eerily whisper the words of a mech who died thousands of years ago.
"But really, what did you pull me away for?" he sighed as he pulled his pede free of a loose vine.
"Uhh, you were about to rip each other's neck cabling out."
"There will be no neck-ripping here today!" Ratchet scowled. "Starscream, what compelled you to act like that?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Starscream grit out as he carefully walked across the dense forest floor.
"C'mon, Star, we can all tell you have a bad case of the heebie-jeebies. Just tell Doc and I and everything will be fine!" Bulkhead said. If only it were that easy.
Starscream glanced back at Ratchet and felt his spark chamber tighten. There was something about the way that the medic looked at him that made a chill go down his spinal strut. Ratchet had already seen his spark and peered into the deepest parts of his internals—there was no way he would also allow the medic to also see his deepest mental insecurities.
Starscream sighed and stared up at the cluster of stars Cybertron was in. "Let's just… keep going."
Bulkhead led him and Ratchet through a dark cluster of trees that was covered in thick dense foliage. Bulkhead and Ratchet were able to walk across the tangled forest floor with ease, but Starscream on the other servo…
Starscream swore as the sharp point of his pede got caught on yet another vine.
"You're having trouble walking! No surprise there, what with those dainty pedes of yours," Bulkhead laughed.
"What? Dainty? I can assure you that my pedes are not dainty, they are deadly!"
"Whatever you say, Starry."
"Don't call me Starry!"
"Whatever you say, Sunshine."
"That's even worse!"
"Bulkhead…" Ratchet said cautiously.
"Calm down, calm down, I shouldn't have led you down this path, but it's too late to turn back now. Let me just transform my servo and then I can help you!" Bulkhead said as he activated his wrecking ball. Starscream stared at him in confusion as Bulkhead walked up to a tree that blocked Starscream's path and swung his wrecking ball at it.
One tree fell after another in a shower of leaves and splinters. Each swing of the wrecking ball sent tree after tree into the darkness of the woods and cleared the forest path ahead. Starscream stared wide-opticed ahead of him as Bulkhead tore the forest apart—all for his sake.
"You don't have to do this," Starscream whimpered. Normally he loved it when bots went through trouble to accommodate him, but this—
"It's fine, let me make a way for you!" Bulkhead laughed as it was nothing. Perhaps to him, this all was nothing. Perhaps this was just the kind of thing he did for his friends.
Friends. And that was what the two of them were. Friends. Starscream felt a rush of joy at the thought of having another bot by his side.
Ratchet stood beside Starscream and they both watched the Wrecker tear through the forest.
"You've earned his trust," Ratchet said coldly.
Trust. Starscream didn't like that word. "I suppose I have, but I still have no clue what I did to deserve it."
Ratchet frowned. "You… really just don't get it, do you?"
Bulkhead turned around and for a single moment Starscream saw a long and thin scratch down his backplate. That hadn't been there before, Starscream silently mused to himself. He was quite observant and was quite certain that that new scar had to have been a result of Bulkhead's fight with Breakdown a few days ago.
Starscream's spark froze.
The fight with Breakdown. The fight that Bulkhead engaged in in a desperate attempt to reach Starscream, in an attempt to protect him—
The wrecking ball continued to swing and the trees continued to fall. Here was this mech who was so devoted to him, who felt enough concern for him and devotion to him to destroy a whole swathe of land for him.
The last bots who had felt that kind of devotion to Starscream had ended up suffering for it.
Starscream clenched his talons into fists. He did not deserve this kind friendship and as much as the thought pained him, he would have to find some way to distance himself from the Wrecker. Starscream was not meant for companionship.
It was the way of things.
He would not allow Bulkhead to become collateral. He would distance the Wrecker away from no matter how much it pained him to do so. It was worth it if it meant that Bulkhead would not get caught up further in the crossfire of Starscream's disastrous life.
Bulkhead looked behind his shoulder and beckoned Starscream forward. "Come on, I cleared the way for ya, it'll be fine for your pedes now!"
"I'm fine," Starscream mumbled as he walked through the new path opened up for him, all for his sake—
Bulkhead's smile turned into a frown when he saw the somber expression upon the Seeker's faceplate. "You look like you just drank sour energon. You okay there, Starry?"
"I'm fine!" Starscream snapped.
An ugly and yet very familiar sense of urgency rose up within him. It was that same sense of urgency he felt when confronted with the sight of Megatron leering down at him, that urgent need to escape and flee from the warlord's servos before they would come down on him.
He couldn't allow Bulkhead to grow close to him again, so he would just have to lie and lock down his true feelings. No more mournful spark-to-sparks in monster truck arenas, oh no. Starscream had had to drive bots away from him before in order to keep them safe. They were always surprised at first, and then betrayed, and then angry. Ratchet's optics continued to coldly stare at him and a faint undercurrent of anger lingered at the edge of the field, a sense of anger that was always there whenever Starscream was around the medic.
Starscream had wanted friends for so long now, but he needed to lessen the strength of this friendship while he still could. He would never abandon Bulkhead completely, they had been through too much together to do that. He just needed to distance himself. The idea killed him and made his spark shrivel and his vents come in harsh gasps, but it was a cruel necessity to keep Bulkhead safe.
If Bulkhead knew of his true plans to try and distance himself from him, Bulkhead would surely be betrayed—and maybe even wrathful.
Starscream's wing fell as he followed after Bulkhead. He could never allow Bulkhead to know his true feelings on things ever again. No, he could never allow anybody to know how he truly felt about things… except maybe Prime, although Optimus seemed to always already know.
Whenever he told the truth he incurred bot's wrath. If he had to lie from now on in order to avoid his friend's anger, then fine.
Starscream had to do whatever it took to avoid making bots angry. So if he had to lie, so be it.
He hadn't had to lie in a long time because the Autobot base was not a place where you had to lie to survive. Optimus had taught him that over and over and over again—but a few weeks under the teachings of a new leader could never completely erase the teachings his old Master had instilled in him over the course of millions of years.
Lie, the cold voice in his helm whispered. It had the rumble of Megatron's voice, the echo of Skywarp's, and the harsh grovel of Thundercracker all mixed into one. His spark clenched—it had been a long time since he had to lie to survive, a long long time, and he logically understood that this wasn't a matter of life and death, he knew that he wouldn't be beaten for failing to provide a better explanation to Bulkhead, and yet—
"I'm fine," Starscream duly repeated.
"Oh, slag, every bot knows that that's what you say when you're really not fine!"
Another swing of the wrecking ball brought another tree down.
The trees got caught up upon one another in a twisted and criss-crossed mess of sharp branches. Something shone hot violet off in the woods and then disappeared.
Starscream looked at Bulkhead and Bulkhead looked at Starscream as silence reigned.
The truth was right there on the tip of his tongue, I'm not fine and I need you so badly—
"I…" Starscream began to say as the massive tree finally broke loose. It crashed behind them like thunder and made the earth itself shake right as Starscream made his choice.
"I'm fine."
Ratchet buried his faceplate in his servos. Bulkhead's optics went wide. First came the surprise, as expected. Starscream turned his optics away and grit his dentae. Bulkhead's field flared and then came the sense of betrayal—
And now the anger would come.
"I'm not angry, Star."
Starscream's optics shot wide open and he looked right at Bulkhead. "What?"
"Yeah, you spoke out loud again. I'm not angry. I'm just... disappointed in you. After all we've been through?"
Starscream felt his spark grow tighter and felt as if his chest would implode upon itself at any moment now.
"You're upset with me for lying—which I am not, by the way—when you in fact literally just lied about Bumlebee wanting to see me so that you could have an excuse to snatch me away?!"
"That was totally different! I lied so that I could get you away from Arcee! I lied to protect you!"
Starscream scoffed. "And that's why I lie!"
"Is… is that really why you're shutting down on me and lying? So that you can protect me?"
Starscream's optics went wide and he weakly raised a talon to protest. "Well... "
"You don't need to protect me. You can trust me. Megs won't come and blast me to bits if you let me into your life a little more," Bulkhead said more softly this time. The usual bravado he had was now gone and there was something more sentimental and concerned in his field now.
The Seeker sighed. He was worried about Megatron attacking Bulkhead due to their friendship now, yes, but Starscream was mostly worried about the other bot who posed the true threat to Bulkhead's safety now. No, Megatron wasn't the biggest threat to Bulkhead's safety. The bot who had the most potential to completely ruin the Wrecker's life again, who had the potential to hurt him the most—-
"It's me," Starscream whispered. He stopped and froze. Bulkhead's jaw dropped and he stared at him with wide optics.
Starscream immediately slapped his talon over his intake as he began to swear. "Slag it, why do I keep talking out loud?!"
"D'ya really think that… you're the biggest threat to my safety?" Bulkhead asked softly.
Starscream sighed and rolled his optics. "Forget what I said."
"Starryyyyy—"
"I said, forget it!"
"You can't order me around!" Bulkhead scoffed.
"Oh, but I could've!" Starscream snapped as he whirled around and pointed his talon right at Bulkhead.
The Wrecker's field flared with confusion. "What are you even talking about?"
"It was because of my actions that you nearly became an emotionless husk, it was nearly because of me that you almost ended up becoming an empty frame that we could all order around!"
Bulkhead's jaw dropped. "Okay, we need to talk. Deep sad-and-feely chat time."
"Nooo, I hate those!" Starscream groaned.
He knew he could trust him. If there was one bot to share his insecurities with besides Optimus, it would be Bulkhead. Bulkhead, who had listened to him spill his spark out before… and who he had nearly gotten killed.
"I…" Starscream began. It would be all too easy to just open his intake and let the words come out.
But he said nothing.
"I'll still be with you even if you don't want to be with me," Bulkhead said. "You're working through some slag, I get it! If you want some alone time so that you can mope, that's fine. Just… let me finish clearing this path for you—"
Starscream lurched forward and grabbed onto Bulkhead's wrecking ball before he swung it at another tree in the way. "No, no, totally unnecessary, not needed, I can walk just fine in these woods!"
He walked past Bulkhead, took a step into the thick and cramped underbrush, and tripped right away.
Bulkhead's servo shot out and he grabbed onto Starscream's talon just in time to halt the Seeker's descent toward the forest floor.
Starscream hung suspended by Bulkhead's strong servo and slowly rose up to his full height.
Bulkhead smiled sadly. "You like me, don't lie. You don't need to lie anymore, y'know that, right?"
"I—well—"
Some lies were necessary.
Bulkhead shook his helm. "Ohoho, you can be all cold and aloof you want, you can try and cut me out of my life if you want, but I'm still gonna stick by you. Don't look so surprised, I'm smarter than I look! I know what's really going on here. When you memory transferred with me… I kinda… saw some things. You tried to first send me the memories of our time together in order to jog my processor, but, er, you kind of ended up sending me the wrong memories at first."
Ratchet walked back up to the two of them and Starscream remembered with a jolt that Ratchet was even there. "And when were you going to mention this little fact, Bulkhead?!" Ratchet scowled.
A cold chill swept through Starscream's spark. "What did you see?" he asked softly with just a tinge of terror.
Bulkhead's smile vanished. "Enough. I saw what happened to your trine—"
Starscream snarled and began to stomp off into the woods.
"Hey, hey, this is not hissy fit time, this is important conversation time, 'kay?!" Bulkhead groaned as he grabbed Starscream's talon again and pulled the Seeker back to him. "I saw what happened to the trine, okay? And I… am not scared of you. I know that you won't hurt me the same way you accidentally hurt them. That was just a dumb fluke, a mistake, and—"
"Nobody is supposed to know about that! Nobody! So just frag off!"
The two of them stared at each other in silence. Bulkhead just stared expressionlessly and Starscream stood there as his vents worked overtime.
Bulkhead walked right up to Starscream so close that their forehelms nearly touched. He leaned in—
And then he stepped past Starscream and swung his wrecking ball out and crushed another tree in the way. Then another. And another. He stomped forward into the woods as his field hardened around him with determination.
He turned around. "I am going to clear this path for you, whether you like it or not."
Starscream shakily dragged his talons down his faceplate. Normally lying made him feel powerful, made him feel like he'd circumvented the rules and done something clever—but not this time. He'd already opened his spark out to this mech and just could not bring himself to do so again.
He stomped off into the dense trees ahead of him and tripped all the while.
The two of them emerged out of the thick trees and into a wide open field. Arcee, Bumblebee, and Optimus all looked up as Starscream and Bulkhead walked back up to them.
Optimus took one look at Starscream and his field instantly filled with concern. Arcee scowled at him and Bulkhead was cold and silent by his side. It was all just way too much emotion and way too many bots all at once, Starscream needed to get away from all this—
"I detected an energy source up near the hills," Bumblebee beeped. "It could be energon!"
"Spectacular, I should run off into the hills alone and take a look!" Starscream said as he clapped his talons. He badly needed to just get away and alone from everybody.
"We have detected multiple sources and we must investigate them," Optimus said as he glanced at the awkward way Bulkhead and Arcee refused to look at Starscream. Bumblebee looked back and forth and glanced at Optimus.
Optimus stepped forward to Starscream. "I think we need to investigate this together," he said.
"Yes, separately!" Starscream nodded.
"No. We will investigate together."
Oh no. Prime now had that look on his faceplate, the look he had right when he was about to pull Starscream aside and make the Seeker open up to him.
"The source I detected… Optimus, it might be hard for you to reach it. It's higher up in the mountain and it will be hard for you to get past the narrow rocks. I mean, it's possible, but it will take you a long time to drive up there!" Bumblebee said.
Optimus frowned and sighed as he cast a glance at Starscream. "I see. I sense that something is amiss with this place and it would be best to complete this mission more swiftly."
Starscream let out a breath of relief. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to the Prime, it was just that he didn't want to talk to him right at that moment when he felt like his wing was about to fall off and his spark was about to implode upon itself.
Fortunately, it seemed like Optimus would let him investigate the potential energon source by himself.
Optimus leaned over and whispered to Bumblebee for a few moments. Bumblebee nodded and walked up to Starscream. "We'll investigate together!" he blooped.
Ratchet sighed and walked back up to Starscream. "Unfortunately, I'm still on Seeker Watch, so I'll be tagging along."
Starscream's optics twitched. "...Spectacular."
Starscream walked up the steep cliffs and weaved his way through the rocks as he followed behind the scout. Bumblebee glanced back over his shoulder at Starscream every minute or so as the air buzzed with a nervous energy.
Oh, he knew what had happened. Optimus knew he wouldn't be able to come himself, so he went and assigned the smaller yellow version of himself with the task of making Starscream spill his spark out.
Bumblebee sputtered. "That is not what—!"
"I swear to Primus, if I keep talking out loud, I'm going to never remove my talon from my intake! Ever!" Starscream shrieked as he slapped his talon over his intake again.
"You can be a bit of a sparkling sometimes," Bumblebee sighed.
"Hey, you're the sparkling here!" Starscream snapped.
"Am I, though?"
"What?! Oh, you little—!"
Ratchet ran between them. "No more bickering, I'm tired of it! Are you sure there really is energon up here?!"
"I know I detected something," Bumblebee blooped.
Starscream ignored their conversation and sighed. He needed to get this mission done and the sooner he did, the sooner he could be back in his room with his secret and safe stache. He cast a look over his shoulder and walked off and away from the other two Autobots as they began to argue.
The energon had to be up on this mountain somewhere. He'd visited this place before, but was that was back in the good times. Now everything had changed.
Something purple shone in the woods again. Starscream looked out into the dark trees and swallowed the fear that threatened to consume him. He shakily pointed one of his talons at the shadows and snarled. "You, whoever you are! Just… just frag off, okay?!"
No response. He looked behind him and his optics widened in surprise. He'd wandered farther than he first thought because now Bumblebee and Ratchet were no longer in sight. Starscream continued to glare into the trees at whatever waited for him in the darkness. A part of him wanted to lunge into the bushes and just rip into whatever it was that was there and another part of him wanted to turn and run back to Optimus as fast as he possibly could.
The trees rustled, Starscream braced himself for a fight—
Two drones came out of the trees and their visors brightened at the sight of Starscream. For a single moment Starscream thought they would salute him and greet him the same way they always had, but then he saw something red shimmer down in his reflection in a puddle below. Starscream looked down and saw the glow of his optics make his Autobot badge glint.
One of the drones spoke up. "...Commander?"
The other drone hissed at him. "No! He's our former Commander!"
Their fields grew hard and cold around them. This was the last thing he needed. He should just turn around and leave.
The drone's fields fizzled in anger. They had no faceplates, but Starscream knew that if they did, they would look as angry as Megatron. Their fields fizzled in pain and betrayal and inundated the air with a hot static that made Starscream sick. The drones were angry with him, they were upset with him, wrathful with him, and they were going to make him suffer for the consequences of his actions.
"I did what had to be done!" Starscream shouted.
One of the drones scoffed. "And what was that?! The ultimate betrayal?"
"I had to escape—"
The second drone ignored him and accusingly pointed his digit right at Starscream's Autobot badge. "You escaped your responsibilities! Do you seriously think that you deserve to be a part of the Autobot's legacy?"
Those words echoed around and around in his helm.
"Do you seriously think that you deserve to be a part of the Autobot's legacy?"
"Do you seriously think that you deserve to be a part of the Autobot's legacy?"
"Do you seriously think that you deserve—"
Voices echoed through the woods and the sounds of distant car tires echoed through the air.
A light glowed from over his shoulder. Starscream slowly turned around and came faceplate-to-faceplate with Skyfire.
"Oh slag no!" Starscream shrieked as he jumped backwards. The holoform of Skyfire flickered and shimmered until suddenly it wasn't Skyfire in front of him, but Thundercracker, and then Skywarp, and then—
Megatron.
Starscream's breath froze in his vents.
"Hello, my dear Starscream," Megatron said coldly.
"You are not real! I've had enough of this holoform nonsense! Megatron isn't here, he's off being creepy on the deck of the Nemesis a thousand miles under the sea! Where I put it, by the way!"
The fake Megatron's optics widened, but then narrowed. "You dare to—?"
Bumblebee and Ratchet drove into view and drove even faster and faster. "Hold on, Star, just hold on!" Bumblebee shouted.
Something hot burned in Starscream's chestplate and urged him to keep going. "Yes! I do dare to! I d-don't regret leaving your side, I belong with the Autobots!"
Starscream's spark spun faster in its chamber and he continued to resolutely stare at the ghostly frame before him. He needed to look Megatron in the optic, he needed to stare the warlord down and tell him that he didn't belong in his life anymore.
"Break the vicious cycle," Optimus's voice echoed through his helm. "Break the cycle, do not allow your anger to consume you even more—"
"Oh, you belong with the Autobots now?" Megatron hummed. Bumblebee and Ratchet ran up to Megatron but then skidded to a stop at the sight of the warlord's holoform that towered above all of them.
"Y-yes!" Starscream shook out.
"I just heard the break in your sweet voice, my dear Starscream. You are unsure of your place among the Autobots because deep down you know—"
Megatron's holoform flickered and became transparent for a split moment. For that single second Starscream was able to see through the holoform and see the drones on the side slowly and quietly shuffle towards him with their blasters extended. The holoform became opaque again and Starscream found himself faceplate-to-faceplate with Megatron.
"—because deep down you know that you don't belong with them."
He wanted to be able to look the warlord in the optic and tell him to frag off.
But the terror was just too great.
Starscream's resolve vanished and he ran away from Megatron. His cold laughter followed after him and he vanished in a shimmery haze. Starscream leaned heavily against a tree and slid to the ground as his spark pulsed in his chestplates. The leaves behind him crunched and he looked over his dirtied shoulder and saw the two drones from earlier right behind him, their blasters extended, ready to do him harm—
Starscream flexed his talons and tensed up. Bumblebee transformed arms into blasters and pointed them at the drones. Bumblebee's optics widened and he desperately reached his other arm out towards Starscream.
"Star, no!"
The drones were angry with Starscream, they were upset with him, wrathful with him, they were going to make him suffer for the consequences of his actions—
—and he could not allow that to happen.
He was willing to slaughter lesser drones because he was scared of what they could do to him, but he just couldn't bring himself to try to attack the image of Megeatron, the bot who could do the most terrible things to him of all.
Hurt them before they hurt you, a voice whispered in his helm.
Starscream jumped into the air and the drones watched as he fell down upon them. His pedes slammed down into the ground, a cloud of dust went into the air, he draw his talon back and it glinted in the red light of the visor of the first drone he would kill—
A pair of arms wrapped around him and pulled him away from the frightened drones. For a split second relief poured through him and he thought it was Optimus, but then he heard an angry growl from behind him.
"Slag it, you pesky Seeker!" Ratchet growled as he wrapped his arms around Starscream's midsection and pulled him away from the drones. "What is wrong with you?!"
Hurt them before they hurt you, a cold voice that sounded like Megatron's voice and his own voice mixed together whispered to him. Hurt them before they hurt you—
"Was that the real him? Was it?!" Starscream shook out as he pointed at the air where Megatron had just been.
"Hep hep hep, calm down!" Ratchet shouted.
Starscream stumbled backward and he and Ratchet both fell to the ground. The drone's fields flared with fear and they transformed and peeled away at full speed. Starscream, Ratchet, and Bumblebee all sat there and watched the drones drive off away into the trees.
Starscream offlined his optics, took a deep vent, and waited for the rant he knew would come.
Ratchet sputtered. "What in the world was that? No, really, what—?"
"Calm down, calm down!" Bumblebee beeped desperately.
"What? Calm down? After he nearly lost it and killed a bunch of drones?!"
Starscream extracted himself from Ratchet's arms and sat against a rock. He pointed a talon at the medic's angry faceplate. "Oh, you know what? Calm your cogs! You Autobots just loveeee to kill drones left and right, but oh, when I try to kill them, I'm the bad guy?"
"Yes, when we are on a stealth mission—"
Bumblebee let out a single shrill beep that echoed through the clearing. The two of them fell silent and looked at Bumblebee with wide optics.
"Ratchet, leave."
Ratchet shook his helm. "Oh no, I'm not leaving you alone with him! He just went crazy and tried to kill two drones because he was too cowardly to face them down and actually deal with the consequences of betraying his own soldiers! I'm not leaving you!"
"No, you are going to do just that. You need to leave him alone! Ratchet…" Bumblebee pleaded. The two of them stared at each other for several seconds in silence.
Ratchet glanced over at Starscream and his optics widened when he saw Starscream's faceplate. "Oh slag, I do not want any part of this." His faceplate softened and he sighed. "I'm not good with the mental stuff, Bumblebee. I can't help him with… whatever all this is. I just… he's your Seeker and your problem. If he bangs himself up, well, that is my problem, but there are some injuries that you need to help him heal, Bumblebee." Ratchet stomped off into the woods and cast a single glance back over his shoulder as he vanished into the trees.
Starscream tried to rise to his pedes, but then Bumblebee's servo shot out and landed on his shoulder. For a single moment he expected to see Megatron's servo clamped down on his pauldron, but when he looked up, all he saw was the scout and his slagging blue optics and their slagging sad gaze—
"You're scared," Bumblebee trilled softly. Not a question, but a statement. How dare this bot have the gall to think that he understood what was going on in his helm?
"Oh, and what makes you think that, scout?" he hissed.
"Because you're crying."
Starscream blinked. He lifted his talon up and brushed it across his faceplate.
It came away wet.
"Oh, slag!" Starscream swore. He wiped both of his talons down his faceplate and held his helm in his talons as he sat there against the rock. He could still feel Bumblebee's warm servo on his shoulder and could still feel his sad gaze upon him.
"Stop doing that," Starscream sighed.
"Stop doing what?"
"Stop being… you!" Starscream shouted.
Bumblebee cocked his helm. "Do you want me to stop being kind? Do… do you want me to start being someone else?"
Starscream rolled his optics. "That is not what I meant! Stop being so nice!" Every act of kindness and every look of concern made his tank roil. Every single kind word said to him for thousands of years had just been a lie to manipulate him and control him. Megatron had taught him many terrible and false things, but that lesson always remained true. Starscream knew Bumblebee was not trying to manipulate him, no, but there was still something about the way he was so kind to him that made something within Starscream scream false, false, his kindness is a lie—
Starscream tried to rise to his pedes again, but then Bumblebee just gently pushed him back down. He swatted at Bumblebee's servo. "Let me stand up!"
"Not until I know you won't do something you'll regret later."
Starscream rolled his optics and stared up at Bumblebee. He opened his intake to say a barb, something, sharp, something cruel, and then paused. Maybe it was the lingering fear in his spark chamber, or the way the air shimmered, or the way Bumblebee looked at him with those big blue optics—but something made him fall silent.
Bumblebee sighed. "Megatron is not here."
"Yes, he is!" Starscream shook out.
Bumblebee went down to a knee and looked at Starscream. "Where?"
"Well, not here in the woods with us, but…" Starscream trailed off and bit his lip as he tried to find the right words. He lifted his arm and placed his talon on top of his helm. "He's here. Haunting me, as you already know. What is the point of this conversation again?"
"Y'know, you don't always have to kill your enemies…"
"Hmpf? And why not?"
Bumblebee sighed again. "You can't just kill bots left and right because you're afraid they will judge you."
Starscream sputtered. "That is not what—"
"Because then the bots who are still alive will just judge you even more."
Starscream fell silent and the two of them looked out into the wilderness. Headbeams swept through the air as the rest of the Autobots drove up to them. Their tires kicked up a large cloud of dust that blossomed into the air. For so many years the sight of that kicked up dust and the rumble of those tires had shot terror into his spark. Now they just made him feel unworthy. Too unworthy to even be able to take part in this team anymore. He still wanted to be an Autobot, yes, but to be an Autobot in the shadows who couldn't accidentally hurt somebody.
"Primus, you're far too sweet and sentimental for your own good," Starscream groaned as he stood up and stretched his limbs.
Bumblebee's field flared in surprise. "You consider my words 'sweet'? I thought my ominous warning to not kill bots would be anything but sweet!"
Starscream laughed as the Autobots drove up around them. "Bumblebee, my dear, if you think your little warning was seriously scary, think again. I have heard much more intimidating warnings from much more intimidating bots."
Megatron's voice echoed through his helm. "Stop relying on praise or you will suffer for it—"
Starscream looked away from the scout and ignored the way Bumblebee sadly stared at him. He just wasn't strong enough to look at Bumblebee's or even the fake Megatron's optics. Maybe one day he would be strong enough. Maybe.
Optimus transformed back into root-mode and walked up to Starscream. He kept his talon clamped tight over his intake in order to prevent himself from spilling his feelings out again. But it seemed that Optimus already knew what he was feeling. He wrapped his arms around Starscream and held the Seeker as he began to shake. Coolant poured down his faceplate and he sobbed. Starscream had no clue what he had done to deserve this mercy.
Kindness indeed.
Hello! I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. I wasn't able to update for a while due to my pesky schoolwork. Those pesky cones and their surface areas got in the way. I didn't have the covid, I just had the cone-vid. I hope you guys liked this chapter, it's the gap that bridges the "T.M.I." episode arc and the "Stronger, Faster" arc.
I have been informed that there is a spammer on Tumblr who keeps anonymously spamming people's inboxes telling them to read this story. I have no idea who this spammer is, but I hope that they are reading this. I am very honored that you like my story that much, but I would really appreciate it if you refrain from spamming people on Tumblr. Some people requested that I make a Tumblr of my own, so if you want to spam somebody's inbox about this story, please spam the new blog called elindae-writes! It's under my A03 username.
I am also absolutely overjoyed to mention that we need to call up the Louvre because there are two gorgeous new pieces of art that must be hung up there immediately! I received two pieces of fanart, one by Losineko and another by Imababblekat, both of which are on Tumblr. Unfortunately, won't allow me to post the links directly to them, but I reblogged them!
Thank you for reading this and thank you for your patience!
