December 19th, 2004

Olympic Valley, CA

Tommy pulled away from Kat, looking down at her with an expression I couldn't really read. I knew what hers was from the sick and disgusting dopey smile that was on her lips. The room suddenly felt hotter and my heart started to thunder in my chest. My breaths were getting more labored. I needed to get out of there. A panic attack was brewing and it was going to be a doozy. I slipped by Marci and Aisha, heading up the hallway. I knew I couldn't go upstairs because it would draw too much attention to myself. Instead, I headed out the back door of the cabin where I found myself standing on a deck that over looked the back of the mountain. From here, I could see the lights of the ski resort twinkling along with the peaks that skiers had been flying down all day. They were lit up as well, the lifts looking like towering pillars in the bright light.

I walked over to the railing, trying to control my breathing. I gripped it tightly, trying to ground myself. Had I really just seen that? Were they really kissing? It had been a private moment. I shouldn't have seen it. Then why the hell were they choosing to swap spit in the middle of the room where we were all standing? Tommy didn't want to be with her. That's why he didn't call her back. Then why was he kissing her? The more I thought about it, the worse my panic attack was becoming. It felt like the neck of my sweater was growing tighter around my chest and throat. Sweat was forming in my palms and on my forehead even with the chilly air of the mountains.

Aisha and Trini had been wrong. He didn't have feelings for me. He still loved Kat. It was clear from the way he was holding her and how he kissed her. I had been at the end of that before and knew that Tommy couldn't hide his emotions at times like that. I had let myself fool myself into thinking that him deleting those messages meant something. Maybe he just hadn't come up with a good way to tell her he wanted to be with her again so he avoided her until he had the perfect way to do it. Maybe he just wanted her to surprise everyone. Maybe he lives to find ways to torture me and was enjoying the fact he did a terrific job at it. Because now she was the one inside with him and all of our friends while I was out here, having a panic attack in the freezing cold.

"Kim?" Marci's voice said. Turning around, I saw her walk out of the cabin and she shut the door behind her. "You alright?" I shook my head, feeling tears in my eyes. My chest ached. It felt like it was being ripped apart. Each breath hurt more.

"I'm having a panic attack." I whispered. Her eyes widened.

"I'll get Trini." She said, turning to head inside. I grabbed her arm.

"No. It's fine." I said, shaking my head. "I just need to calm down."

"Do you need water? A paper bag? What about a jacket?" I shook my head, trying to regulate my breathing and my heart rate. "Well, what's causing it? Was it everyone being so close? Was the house too warm?" She questioned, helping me sit against the railing.

"No. It's nothing." I replied.

"Is it that bitch being all over Tommy? Cause you're not the only one then." She said. I closed my eyes, wishing I was alone right now. I knew that Marci was trying to be helpful but it was making my nerves feel like I had just downed fifty cups of coffee laced with cocaine. My fingers were shaking and I balled my hands into fists to get it to stop.

"I'll be back in soon." I said. "You should go."

"I'm not leaving you." She insisted. "And if it's Kat's fault, I'll go right in and tell that bitch exactly where she can go. And trust me. It's not going to be too far from Down Under." I shook my head.

"Leave her alone, Marci. She's not hurting anyone." She looked at me like I had two heads.

"Kim, she's obviously upsetting you and you can't be upset right now while you're pregnant! It could hurt the baby. She has no business being here and she knows it. Tommy does too! I don't know why he's so okay with her being here. I get being nice or lonely or whatever but this is just plain stupidity on his part. He needs to either hit it or quit it because I'm sick of having her hang around all the fucking time." Marci paced the deck in front of me. "Doesn't he see what it's doing to you?"

"It's not doing anything to me." I said. She gave me a look, raising an eyebrow at me. My blood pressure was sky high. I could tell from the throbbing in my head and ears.

"Kimberly, please. I know you think I'm too young for this stuff but I'm not blind. I know that you're still in love with Tommy. And I think it's time to tell him the truth. If you tell him how you feel right now, maybe he will tell Kat to get packing. Then we can go back to having a great party!"

"I'm not going to do that." I said, standing up.

"Why? I get that things between you guys might not have ended the best way but he clearly has feelings for you of some kind! There's no way a guy would do the things he does for you if there wasn't love in his heart for you. Just go in there, tell him you still love him, and that you want to be together. You guys can get back together and I'll never have to see that bitch again. It'll be a win-win for everyone! C'mon." She grabbed my hand and tried to pull me towards the door but I yanked it away.

"I'm not telling him because it won't even matter." I said. "He clearly wants to be with Katherine. Besides, who would want to be with someone like me? Especially after everything I've put him and everyone else through this past year. Tommy deserves to be with someone who isn't me. The shit I've done to him is horrible and I would never be able to look at him in the eye again."

"It's not your fault what happened with Nick! He was hurting you and he did those things. Not you. Besides, any of those guys in there could have bowed out at any moment if they didn't want to deal with it and they didn't. That means that it doesn't matter to them any more than it should matter to you. They are your friends for a reason and they love you. That goes for Tommy as well. There's something that is keeping him around and for sure it's not your cooking. You need to tell him the truth. I don't know if you think it's because of your past or Nick or because you have baggage. Whatever it is, you gotta put that shit behind you and just pull up your big girl pants. If you tell him how you feel, there will be no more secrets between the two of you. You'll feel better."

"Yeah. Okay." I said, letting out a dark laugh as I shook my head. "Marci, you really don't understand. And you aren't old enough to."

"I wish you would stop saying that to me!" She exclaimed. "I came across the country and moved in with you and your abusive husband. I've seen shit that most people haven't. I'm sure I can handle the undying love you have for your ex-boyfriend. Quit acting like I'm a five year old."

"Fine. You wanna know the truth? How am I going to tell him how I feel and expect him to just take care of us, huh? How am I going to just expect him to drop everything to accept me and two kids? No guy wants that! Not one who has been living life the way he wants to be for so long and now suddenly has lost his job and his house. Am I just supposed to ask him to become overnight Daddy? Because that's never gonna happen."

"You're not being fair. You know that Tommy loves being at our house and he loves helping you get ready for the baby. He's been nothing but great towards me and has been more of a father figure to me than my own father has ever been. Sure, there might be some adjusting with him having to deal with it being Nick's baby but it wouldn't matter once she was born!

"Marci-." I said but she cut me off.

"If you just give him a chance, I think you'll see. Tommy will love that baby like it's his own."

"It is his own!" I exclaimed, the words vibrating out into the night air around us. Marci fell silent for a minute and I looked over at her.

"What?" She whispered. I sighed, running my hands through my hair as I leaned against the railing.

"Tommy and I slept together a little while before Nick and I ended up splitting. Nick isn't the father. The baby is Tommy's." I said. "And Tommy has no clue. I told him the baby was Nick's because he just assumed it was. That's why I can't tell Tommy how I feel. That's why I can't just expect him to want to be with me. I've kept this huge thing from him. He will hate me forever if I tell him."

"This is even better!" She said, smiling. "Go in there and tell him the truth! It would be the best Christmas present you could give the guy."

"Marci, did you not just hear me? I lied to him. I don't think present is the way I would describe it."

"You were scared. He'll understand that! Just tell him the truth and that you want to be a family."

"No. I'm not going to do that and you aren't going to say anything to anyone either. If Tommy finds out that it's his baby, he's going to try to take her away from me. I know he is. I would if I knew what type of person I was and how I had been so reckless when it came to Nick. It's my fault that our baby almost died at Nick's hands. Tommy isn't just going to let me raise his baby without trying to fight me for custody after everything that's happened."

"Tommy would never do that." She said, shaking her head. "I don't believe that he has the capacity in him to take your child away. You guys can work through whatever you've got going on between you to come up with some solution. You can't keep his child away from him. It's not fair to him and it's not fair to the baby."

"Fair? None of this is fair! I'm not trying to keep him from his baby. I'm just trying to do what's best for everyone here. And if that means Tommy not knowing right now, then I'm sorry. I would rather him not know than risk not having my baby. I've spent YEARS trying to get pregnant, Marci. You don't understand how hard it is to hear that you might never have children. There were days I would just stay in bed and cry all day, begging God to give me some kind of miracle. How hard it is to hear stories about people having multiple kids that they can't take care of. Or parents who kill their kids for ridiculous reasons. And yet, there I sat with no way to get pregnant because I was broken. But now, I have a baby. I am going to have the only thing I've wanted and hoped for since I was a little girl. And I can't just let that go and risk not being able to watch her grow up because of what I did." Tears streamed down my face as I looked at Marci. "I know I am a horrible human being but I am trying to protect my daughter."

"No. You are trying to protect yourself." She said, shaking her head. "I know you've been through a lot but that's no reason to make Tommy suffer. It's not his fault this happened just as much as it's not yours. You have a way to fix this, Kim. Just tell Tommy the truth now. The longer you wait, the worst it's going to be when the truth comes out. And if he hears the truth from anyone besides you, he will resent you for the rest of his life."

"I can't." I whispered. "I can't tell him. I can't have him hate me again."

"What do you think is going to happen when that baby is born and looks just like him, Kim? Do you think no one else is going to notice it? Have you met these people we are with? People talk! It's only a matter of time before someone says something to him and he starts to catch on."

"They can talk all they want. I'll just keep denying it." I answered. I knew I sounded completely selfish and childish in the moment but I was being honest. I don't know why I had something to Marci. She was only sixteen and didn't deserve to have the pressure of this secret on her shoulders. Something in me just snapped though and I couldn't control it. It was like it had built up so much that it finally cracked something inside of me, letting it all come slipping out. And there was some relief in having someone else know besides me. But from the look on Marci's face, I could tell that she was not on my side in the manner. She glanced between the house and me, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Kimberly, I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything, alright?" I replied, sighing. "I know I have to tell Tommy. I do. I don't plan on going her whole life without him know. I think I just need to wait until Nick's trial is over. I'm just so afraid that if news gets out I'm pregnant with someone else's baby, they will look at me like some kind of whore rather than an abused wife. I can't risk Nick getting out of jail on a technicality because of all of this. It would put all of us in danger plus the baby. Once the trial is over and he's behind bars for good, I will sit down with Tommy and tell him everything."

"Are you sure?" She asked. I nodded, knowing full well that I was only telling half the truth. Granted, I did want to wait until after the trial but I had no clue when it would be after the fact.

"Yeah. Until then though, I need you to not saying anything, okay? To anyone. Not even your friends or Aisha. Once word gets out, the risk of Tommy finding out only gets bigger. Promise me."

"Kim-." She started but it was my turn to cut her off.

"I'm serious. I'm sorry you're involved in this now. I never meant for that to happen. But you are and I need your word that you're not going to tell anyone." She sighed, nodding.

"I promise. But you need to tell him as soon as the trial is over. Like, in the parking lot. We can make posters or something. Just as long as you tell him the truth."

"Okay." I said, nodding. She walked over and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. I returned it, squeezing her tightly. She might be a snarky pain in the ass but she was mine and I was grateful for her.

"There you two are." A voice said behind us as Marci pulled away. Looking over her shoulder, I saw that it was Tommy. "We've been looking for you. Aisha's asking for you, Marci."

"Right. Duty calls." She said, giving me a smile before walking passed him into the house. The door closed behind her, leaving Tommy and I.

"Are you alright?" He asked. "It's kinda too cold out here to hang out."

"It was just too loud and warm in there. I needed to get some air for a minute." I replied. "We were actually getting ready to head back in."

"Earlier, you said you had something to tell me. Is everything okay? We can talk now if you want to." He said.

"Oh." I replied. "It's nothing."

"You sure?" He asked. "It sounded pretty serious." I gave him a small smile, nodding.

"Yeah. It's something I already figured out for myself though."