Switch Chapter 2
"Hey who's the chump lying under that thing?" K asked the closest person to him in the crowd. Wow some accident, he thought looking at the destruction that lay on the street. But the person standing right next to him acted like he couldn't even hear him. Fine, okay, he'd ask someone else. But as he did, no one even looked him in the eye. Why were they pretending to ignore him? It wasn't very nice.
"Hey hello!" K waved his hand in front of some man's face. The guy didn't even blink.
"Oh my!" someone cried out.
"Is he dead?" another asked.
"Excuse me ma'am," said a firefighter, "Please everyone step behind the barriers, this area is dangerous, please move back." K didn't move. The man tried to lift the sign, but it wouldn't budge. "Damn this is heavy, Iwai bring the tow truck over here. I think we can pull it up that way."
K stood watching. The emergency guys had the sign jacked and in mere minutes the thing was lifted. But what he saw was just not possible. There under that sign was him! K looked around and realized he was the only one standing inside the barriers, except the emergency crew. Everyone else was standing behind yellow tape. Something wasn't right, why was he…how could he be? His eyes darted back to the form sprawled on the sidewalk, dead as a duck.
He was dead…
As he stared disbelievingly, he also took note of that religious pamphlet on his dead person. Heaven…was this heaven? Was it hell? Suddenly he looked at all the faces in the crowd, they all seemed normal. "Hey, I'm here!" he shouted, but once again no one heard him. Oh man this can't be happening…
It began to pour, but he wasn't getting wet.
There had to be a way to get their attention. K pulled out his shiny silver magnum and shot into the air. Nothing. Feeling a little panicky now, he marched back and forth singing, "The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah. The ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah."
But not a soul batted an eye.
No! "No, no, no, no…no!" K shouted and squeezed his eyes shut.
"That was some act down there, but stop hollering now or you'll wake up my brother," spoke a calm voice.
K opened his eyes. Everything around him changed. He was no longer in the street looking at his own dead body. Instead he stood on a white carpet, in a place all white, a vista of clouds that seemed to go on forever. Even the edge of the welcoming mat, like Hollywood's red carpet, seemed as if one stepped over the edge, they'd fall through the clouds. He could hear peaceful music, annoyingly like elevator music K realized and frowned. "Where did everyone go? Who are you?" he asked eyes finally settling on a rather round bald man, wearing white robes kind of like a toga. He was sitting on a bulky cloud, almost like a throne before him, watching.
"Fuck, I'm dead and this is heaven right?" But immediately K covered his mouth. "Oh I'm sorry I'm not supposed to swear up here am I?" Even before he'd gotten an answer, he had a sickening feeling he knew where he was. And in a place like this, it gave him the feeling that he was supposed to behave himself. Kind of like how you feel in a hospital or in a room full of babies.
The robed man snorted and said, "You do realize you have made it here by a hair? The only reason you got here was because you earned a few heaven miles by saving that girl. Now your account is in the positive again. So close…so very close." The god studied him, holding his glasses at the end of his nose between his thumb and index finger.
K scuffed his foot uneasily and blinked at the god.
"Please don't get dirt on the carpet, the maintenance crew have been upset with us lately…"
"Frances my brother, can't this wait till morning? I have a long list of check ins tomorrow. What's a god got to do to get some shut eye around here?" The entity of the voice appeared next to the god with glasses.
K watched as this new god, who had long dark hair and was much thinner than his brother, now also watched him. K stood there like a man waiting to be shot by the firing squad.
"Hey man, chill out, you're in heaven. Which means it can't be that bad. It's a rather happening place. By the way, my name is Bill Gates, I own heaven and hell," the god said and laughed hysterically, falling back onto his fluffy cloud.
This has got to be a dream, K thought.
"Oh but it's not," said Frances.
K looked at them sharply, "You knew what I thought?"
"Of course you silly, we're gods," said the one with long dark hair, twittering with giggles.
"And your name is Bill Gates?" K wondered incredulously.
"No, his name is Ralph. He's just been into the wacky tabacky, you know pot, 420, Acapulco gold, ganja, BC bud, chronic…marijuana," offered Frances calmly. "He was supposed to be sleeping it off."
Ralph was still giggling on his cloud.
"Right…" K muttered, thinking he'd definitely ended up in hell. "So where's my room, what do I do here? Man, I can't believe its all over…I wasn't ready to die yet."
"No you weren't. In fact, according to my chart," Frances typed happily into a soft pink coloured terminal that just magically appeared and hmmm'd. "It takes a few minutes…you know so many deaths, so little time. Ah ha…Claude Kristopher Winchester. Wow that's a long one…let's see. Ah yes, you're not due for another forty-five years, give or take. Heh, I can't tell you exactly when, that'd be against the rules."
"Of course there are spaces left open for accidents, but with yours there was a discrepancy. A misplaced file…I blame it all on that new guy man," Ralph said tiredly blinking at their newest arrival.
"So are you God, you know 'The' God?" K questioned. He had nothing left to lose now.
"Nah, we're hired help. Kinda like secretaries."
"And God allows pot in heaven?" K couldn't believe that.
"A fine ride on the celestial plane baby," drawled the god named Ralph. "It's a gift of the gods."
K chuckled. Wow, how much did he drink last night? He was sure he'd wake up any minute.
"You're still in doubt about this?" asked Frances. "Come here…come on," he beckoned with his hand, until K came closer. "Look down there," the chubby god said and swirled a finger through the clouds. It was as if he'd brushed fog away from a television set.
But he'd just died, how could this be!
K felt a bit ill as he watched everyone attending his own funeral. Aww, couldn't he just wake up already. But he couldn't take his eyes off of it. Everyone was there, Judy and Michael, whom he noticed both crying. Bad Luck, well everyone except Hiro. K found himself looking all over for him. Hmm, there seems to be a lot more people than he would have thought attending his funeral. For a moment he felt cared about.
Gah, what was he thinking!
"He's there but he's still on his motorbike with his helmet on. Oh and time moves a lot faster up here. So far you've been dead for about a week." The god interjected and moved a finger, the view showed the line of cars and Hiro. Indeed he was on his bike still wearing his helmet.
Fuck how can a dream be so vivid? "This is nuts…its crazy! I wanna wake up now. Right now!" K cried.
"Well there is a way to return to the living. There is one soul available for such instances where a discrepancy is made on our part. Unfortunately…" Frances said before he was interrupted.
"I'll have the cherubs ready on stand by in case he faints," Ralph cut in and snickered.
"You have to become a woman," finished Frances.
It was too much for one human male to acknowledge.
K began to laugh. "You have to be shitting me. HAHA, this is the most fucked up dream I've ever had!" He laughed so hard, tears streamed down his face. "Me, a woman? This is the highlight of my subconscious? Fuck, I must have alcohol poisoning! Maybe I'm in the hospital in a coma!" K howled with laughter. "I'm being punished for something, right? Hey, remember that line from that movie 'As Good as it Gets'? Where the guy says, "Go sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."
The gods looked at each other and sighed.
"That's it right? I've lost my fucking mind," K spat and dropped to the carpet. He lay sprawled out. "I'll just rest here, sleep, and when I wake up you two dipshits will be gone."
"Well you have only this option, the type of form you have will be based on your mind's female figure. She or you will probably look like a sibling, let's say, although your eyes will always carry your true soul. But if you'd rather hang out here for all eternity, then that's up to you," Frances enlightened.
"I think you'd make a hot chick," Ralph suggested only receiving a swat from his brother.
K guffawed from his spot on the white carpet. "I thought you guys could perform miracles. If that's so, then just send me back as a man."
The gods looked at each other. "I'm not getting paid enough for this stuff, Frances," Ralph whined. The two nodded and gazed down at the lost soul that was now lazily spinning the cylinder on his gun.
The long haired god, now rolling a fatty spoke up, "The way we see it was, you weren't too happy on earth as a man anyways dude. I mean, this is a chance to be alive again, man. Get your freak on…you know what I'm saying? Gods only perform miracles for those that have earned it. If you want to earn it you have to accept your fate."
K hrmph'd from where he lay.
"If you want to be a man again, you have to follow your heart," Frances put forth. "It's the only path for you."
"My only path, eh? So is this some sort of clue…are you guys actually trying to help me?" K wondered and sat up. He put his gun back in the holster.
"You could say that," murmured Ralph as he licked the paper and rolled it tight.
"Well, whatever then. Do what you have to. I want to look like Pamela Anderson," K said with a huge grin. Whatever, he'd wake up and this dream/nightmare would be over. "So do it then, I wanna wake up."
A big stamp came out of nowhere and Frances stamped an extremely long document. "It's done. The whole contract is right here. We'll be watching and if you've earned it, you'll be changed back into a man."
Before both gods the lost soul disappeared. Phew. "I swear Frances: this is going to be better than any of those stupid reality shows."
Laughter flitted throughout the heavens.
A/N: Will be updating soon I hope you enjoyed it so far!
