Author's note: Ancient Aliens satire. (Of course, Ancient Aliens already is a satire wrapped in a farce and smothered in a parody.) Caroline just wanted to focus on her work, but a dimpled asshat with his cheesy fake science show has gotten way too comfortable at her excavation site.
"There may be aliens in our Milky Way galaxy, and there are billions of other galaxies. The probability is almost certain that there is life somewhere in space."
— Buzz Aldrin
An aneurism would be more pleasant. Or death by Brazen Bull — she once curated an ancient Greek burial site where humans were burned to death inside a giant bronze bull. Yes — roasted alive inside a statue would be a welcome escape from this madness. With an aggravated sigh, she rubbed her temples, glaring at the monitor. "You can't be serious, Elena! You want to violate the integrity of my dig site by letting that hack scientist film his idiotic show here?!"
"Dr. Mikaelson is a world-renowned documentarian exposing cutting-edge scientific theories," Elena huffily replied, her judgy tone setting Caroline's teeth on edge. "The Anthro-History Department has agreed to allow Dr. Mikaelson to film an episode of Alien Archaeology in exchange for a generous endowment to fund our Tres Zapotes dig for an additional two years." She leaned forward, adding in her most patronizing voice, "We'll want to put our best foot forward and be extra welcoming to Dr. Mikaelson and his crew, ok?"
Caroline promised herself that one day she would rip out her department chair's shiny hair and shoot her into the sun. "Fine," she ground out quickly ending the connection before Elena could wax poetic about how the insane idea that aliens flattened the earth with their spaceships somehow equates to 'cutting-edge scientific theories'.
"I'm looking forward to your extra welcome, love."
Caroline raised an eyebrow at the creepy innuendo, irritated that he was somehow even more attractive in person. Damn it — she'd assumed that underneath the TV makeup and creative lighting, he was a completely average human. But there was nothing average about those cheekbones.
He was flanked by a bored-looking cameraman who seemed to be stalking the field techs with his camera. Plastering on the smile she used on university donors, she shook his hand, telling him, "Dr. Caroline Forbes, lead archaeologist for the invaluable Tres Zapotes excavation that potentially will change our fundamental understanding of Mesoamerican social hierarchy and ritual economies." Tacking on her best apologetic tone, she added, "So, as I'm sure you can imagine, we'll have limited time to assist you with your show."
With a teasing smirk that showcased his dimples, he replied, "Dr. Klaus Mikaelson, host of the wildly popular television series, Alien Archaeology, currently filming its seventh season and garnering an unprecedented decade-long distribution and merchandising agreement with Hybrid Media." Tipping her a wink, he leaned in to whisper conspiratorially, "So, as I'm sure you can imagine, we have the funds to purchase as much of your precious time as needed to assist with our show."
Smug asshat. She ate smug asshats for breakfast. "Look, Dr. Mikaelson —"
"Please, call me Klaus." He glanced down at their still-joined hands, flexing his fingers a bit within her strong grip. She reluctantly let go, secretly pleased that she won their unofficial strong-arm contest. "It's summer in Mexico and that sun is positively blazing — how are your hands so cold?"
Rolling her eyes, Caroline returned to her meticulously organized list, noting with displeasure that several interns were running late. "Because I just finished rooting around in the ice chest for an orange juice, genius." Gesturing toward a mound at the base of the pyramid, she added, "I've got an eight-ton Olmec carving that's not excavating itself, so can we get started with framing your shots or whatever you do to blaspheme my life's work?"
Klaus let out a delighted chuckle, gesturing grandly around the valley, "You're quite melodramatic, love. I'm merely making scientific discoveries more accessible to the average TV audience."
"You insult your audience by dumbing down science. And seriously don't even get me started on how you tout theories that the Sky People were coming from all over the universe to Mexico to establish the pre-Columbian civilization and that the similarities in worldwide ancient structures and carvings prove alien influence!"
He looked ridiculously pleased with himself as he observed, "You watch my show."
She opened her mouth and then quickly closed it, eyes darting around to see if any of the excavation crew overheard him. Finally, she sheepishly admitted, "It may have inspired my favorite drinking game in college." At Klaus' delighted expression, she giggled, "You know, like drink every time Crazy Hair Guy's byline changes mid-interview?"
"Ah, yes, I'll admit that while Stefan is a delight to interview, he does insist upon updating his credentials quite frequently as he believes it adds to his mystique." Winking, he confessed, "My personal favorite is 'Life Coach to the Stars'."
"Nice one, but mine was 'Doctor of Life'."
"Emotional Archivist."
"Curator of Soul-Bonding."
They broke into gales of laughter, with Klaus shaking his head as he conceded, "We humans are ridiculous creatures."
Caroline scoffed, "All carbon-based life on this planet is ridiculous."
Klaus idly watched his crew set up the lighting equipment, smirking as he asked, "And what makes you think carbon-based life on other planets aren't ridiculous?"
Pausing to correct the labels her interns were using on the pottery shards uncovered yesterday, she called over her shoulder, "Seriously?! It's incredibly narcissistic to assume that if life exited elsewhere in space, their chemical makeup would mirror Earth's."
Gray eyes lighting up in excitement, Klaus snapped his fingers, calling over a crew member and began quickly adding notes to several cards. "That's a brilliant bit to add to my intro about how the Sky People's sacred scrolls gifted to the Maya were destroyed by the Spanish — mind if I quote you?"
Irritating asshats should not come in such pretty packages. Pinching the bridge of her nose, Caroline replied through gritted teeth, "I don't even...you can't possibly..." she sputtered helplessly. "Ok, so you at least realize this is an Olmec excavation site, not Maya, right?"
He wryly asked, "That's the part that vexes you, sweetheart?"
After directing the site manager to deliver supplies along the northeast quadrant, Caroline shrugged, flatly telling Klaus, "You once aired an episode that falsely identified pressurized space suits on Olmec carvings as evidence of aviation technology and extraterrestrial encounters. So, yeah, 'sacred scrolls' doesn't really phase me." With an impish grin, she added, "Besides, everyone knows Sky People keep backup copies of their sacred scrolls."
In a mocking serious tone, he agreed, "Of course — my entire career is built on the premise that Sky People enjoy paperwork." Flicking his gaze away, he observed almost shyly, "And obviously this is an Olmec site — they were gifted artists known for their colossal head stonework, but also produced exquisite wood carvings, cave paintings and ceremonial masks." Nodding toward the latest quadrant photos her field techs had sent, he added, "From the looks of it, your team may have stumbled upon an additional piece to the famous Stela C, one of Mesoamerica's oldest calendrical inscriptions."
Caroline felt her mouth flop open as her thoughts raced. Shame and embarrassment weren't common emotions she experienced, and she found she'd rather endure another shrill, sanctimonious lecture from Elena than ever feel them again. "You...you have a background in Mesoamerican civilizations. That's...uh...I honestly never would've guessed," she stammered awkwardly.
And she'd thought Klaus was a mere specimen of above-average attractiveness. Damn it — if she caught inconvenient feelings on this assignment, her superiors were going to be most displeased. She studied him with renewed interest, finding his intelligence and stubbornness underneath the smug veneer fascinating. Perhaps she could find a way to...enjoy him without the need to divulge everything in her paperwork...
"My degrees are in classical archaeology, but after several semesters rooting around the ancient Guatemalan citadels, I must admit to a fascination with Mesoamerican societies."
Caroline ducked her head, for once pleased that the brim of her floppy hat fell across her eyes. She wasn't sure she could properly face him for this apology. "So...I was a complete bitch to you earlier, and I could make excuses about being overprotective of my work, but really I was just throwing around elitist bullshit and that was completely unfair to you. So...sorry about that."
Klaus brushed back the canvas of her hat, smiling down at her as he teased, "I might have purposely goaded you just to prologue our conversation." His tone grew uncharacteristically uncertain as he admitted, "Actually, I was hoping you'd be interested in joining me for a drink this evening — I have many opinions about carbon dating I'd like to argue with you about."
She blinked at him in surprise. Was that a faint, rosy blush creeping up his neck? "Oh! Uh...I'd like that, yes," she eagerly replied, marveling at how breathless she'd suddenly grown. She flattered herself into thinking there was a slight skip in his step as he moved to the far side of the excavation to begin filming.
Caroline shivered slightly underneath the sun's blistering rays, noting with distaste that her biosuit was malfunctioning again. She'd need to send a neuro-mail to the galactic cruiser that it was a priority Z29-R7 malfunction — her physiology wasn't built for such extreme heat. With an indulgent smile, she recalled it was time to send her weekly report to the council of ancients anyway.
Klaus was right about one thing — Sky People did enjoy paperwork.
