Author's note: This is a gift for eliliyah, one of the most generous and loveliest of lovely people and it's a privilege to call you my friend! I'm equally envious of your writing talent and your ability to come up with randomly hilarious t-shirt slogans. I hope you like your gift!
This was written for the Klarowinter Bingo Event. Small towns are supposed to be quirky. But what Caroline mistakenly assumes are kinky Wiccan nudist neighbors is a whole other level of quirky.
Prompt: Awkward snow blower incident
"Assumptions are the enemy of coherence...In other words, You're an idiot."
― Nalini Singh, Archangel's Sun
Toilet parts had never been more fascinating. Caroline paused her rifling through the plastic bin of seals, valves and chains when she heard Klaus, her ridiculously hot neighbor, joking with the cashier at the hardware store's counter. She'd recently moved to Mystic Falls to open a spa and so far, every stereotype she used to snidely assume about small towns had been wrong. For one thing, apparently small towns were disproportionately full of attractive people. Must be the fresh country air.
She quietly leaned over the bin, peeking in between the slats of the shelves for a better look. That jawline should be illegal. The first time they met, she'd been yanking out stubborn crabgrass from the hopelessly weed-choked front flowerbed and he'd just returned from running. In fact, most of her neighbors seemed to be runners. Hardcore physically fit specimens that looked like they were training for the Olympics. It was so disgustingly healthy and wholesome how many of them ran in pairs or small groups, smiling and chattering and barely even breathing hard.
Sweat had glistened on Klaus' bare chest and Caroline kept reminding herself to blink. From the amused twinkle in his eye and the slight twitch of his lips, he'd noticed her obvious interest. Cheeks flaming, she'd turned into a rambling mess, diffusing the awkward by piling on more awkward. It was hours later before she realized she'd been flirting while wearing a wide streak of mud across her forehead and along one side of her nose.
Klaus' chuckle caught her attention once more as he told the cashier, "I swear I still don't know how Kol managed to get into the garage — much less the cabinet." Shaking his curly head, he added, "Of course, once the ruckus began, I stumbled upon quite the unnerving scene in which the family still refers to as the 'awkward snow blower incident'."
Letting out an inelegant snort, Caroline realized she'd been caught eavesdropping and uncomfortably shuffled out from behind the shelves. Inwardly cursing that she hadn't brought along the corroded part she was trying to match, she said, "Sorry to interrupt, but I need help with my plumbing." At Klaus' raised brow, Caroline felt herself grow warm as she hastily explained, "My toilet is running and I don't know the right parts to get."
"I'd be delighted to help you with your plumbing, sweetheart," he replied with a dimpled smirk, "I'm good with my hands." He smoothly led her back to the shelves, ignoring the cashier's quiet guffaws.
Seriously? No one that attractive should be this inept at flirting. Not that she'd done a much better job with her earlier ramblings where she waxed poetic about organic fertilizer. Because there's nothing sexier than a muddy woman talking about locally sourced animal poop. She might as well get a bunch more cats and lean into the crazy cat lady vibe.
Klaus suddenly distracted her from those cringey memories, holding up several kits while discussing the pros and cons with surprising authority. She couldn't help but be a little impressed by how quickly he pulled together the most likely parts, and realized she'd been staring way too long at his forearms than was considered polite. She hurriedly said, "So, you have a loveable troublemaker for a pet, huh?" At Klaus' nonplussed expression, she asked, "You were talking about your dog, Kol, humping a snow blower, right?"
Gray eyes went wide as he emitted a choking cough, lips curling into a small smile as he readily agreed, "Oh yes, Kol is quite the incorrigible...pet."
"Has he been fixed?" When Klaus gave another little choking cough at her question, she told him, "I have a friend who runs a spay/neuter clinic a few towns over and I could get you an appointment if you like."
She winced, wondering if the linoleum floor would mercifully just swallow her. She went from flirting with poop to flirting with testicles. Perfect. She'd really upped her seduction technique.
"I'll certainly take that under advisement, sweetheart."
Worried that she might've overstepped (after all, people could get touchy about their pets), she followed him back to the counter, trying to form a quick apology. However, she got distracted when she noticed Klaus had added what appeared to be reinforced wall anchors to a set of heavy duty chains to his pile, and Caroline's mouth got away from her before her brain could catch up. "Wow, Kol really must be a handful," she commented brightly, "I just love big, slobbery dogs who don't know their own strength."
There was a curious, unreadable glance between the cashier and Klaus, and then Caroline noticed a series of steel wall mounts and heavy duty restraint cuffs off to the side. Oh, fuck. Face turning beet red, she stammered, "Oh, my gosh! I understand what's going on now and I'm really, really, sorry I didn't realize sooner!"
"You do," both men asked in surprise, a hint of worry in Klaus' tone that made Caroline's heart ache for him. Poor guy, feeling like he needed to hide who he was.
"Of course I do, and I promise you'll get no judgement from me — I get how hard it must be for you to feel comfortable around people who might not understand you." At the cashier's carefully blank expression, she nodded, trying to reassure Klaus as she said, "There's no need to be ashamed — I have some friends in the kink community."
Clearing his throat, Klaus dumbly nodded, "The, uh, kink...yes. That."
There was an uncomfortable pause where everyone seemed to be holding their breath. Maybe this disaster could be salvaged? All she needed to do was figure out a casual segue into asking Klaus to help her install the parts for her toilet. DO NOT ask him to fix your plumbing. Nope. That would just lead to poop-testicle-flirting, she was sure of it.
As the cashier rang up her purchase, Caroline realized the moment had passed, so instead she smiled encouragingly and told Klaus, "Just remember to use a stud finder when securing the anchors or else you'll rip right through the sheetrock."
Sigh. Seriously?
But still better than poop-testicle-flirting.
When she opened her spa the next day, it no longer surprised her that there was a line already forming. Word was out that she'd gotten in a new shipment of celestial planners and what had started out as a gag gift she thought would be a one-and-done seller somehow had turned into the must-have accessory for what seemed like most of the town. In between her staff performing her spa's signature lemon jelly mask treatments and full body peppermint scrub massages, they'd sold the pocket-sized planners that included moon phases and charts, and had been so successful, her little business would be in the black for the next two quarters.
Caroline waved to a few of the townspeople, wincing when they greeted her by name but she couldn't remember theirs. She set her coffee down on the counter, idly straightening a display of key lime moisturizers and coconut face masks.
"Hello, love."
She whirled around, breathing in the seductive cedar aroma that she'd come to associate with Klaus. Since when were trees sexy? She didn't even like the outdoors. And don't talk about poop. Or testicles. "Klaus, hi," she said cheerfully, fully intending to pretend she didn't just out his kinky side at the hardware store. "Are you here for the mani-pedi Monday special?" Mani-pedis were wildly popular in this town, along with electrolysis treatments. Mystic Falls had to be the most well-groomed small town in the country.
"Actually, my sister wanted me to pick up one of your planners. They've caused quite the stir about town, as I'm sure you're aware." He leaned in slightly, studying her with interest as he added with a sly smile, "Quite enterprising of you, sweetheart, to take advantage of this town's certain...eccentricities."
Caroline felt as though Klaus was searching for something in her expression, but she couldn't figure out what it might be. Was he worried she'd blab his kinky business all over town? She should really figure out some way to let him know she wasn't like that — his kinks weren't anybody's business but his own. While she'd very much like to know about his kinks firsthand, that was really more of a first date conversation.
Glancing down at the purple cover dotted with tiny moonstones, she reassured him, "I think we all have our...quirks and I definitely don't judge whatever people like to do to feel more like themselves. I think it's great how you guys commune with nature out there in the woods and celebrate your traditions and beliefs."
She wasn't an idiot — with the unexpected popularity of the celestial planners, she assumed that Mystic Falls must have a lot of Wiccans. Which was fine with her — she liked their whole laidback hippie vibe. They always were exhausted the day after the full moon though; those poor Wiccans must stay up all night doing their rituals with chanting and dancing or whatever.
Several of her customers paused in their browsing to do this weird half-nod, half-bow thing in Klaus' direction — something she'd noticed off and on since she'd moved to Mystic Falls — and she found herself wondering again whether she should do something similar. She assumed this was an important gesture of respect among his people and that it meant he was some sort of leader in their Wiccan group. She respected all cultures and didn't want to offend anyone, but before she could make up her mind, she caught Klaus staring at her again.
He must not have found whatever he was looking for in her answer because his shoulders slumped a bit and his voice was tight as he said, "Yes, it's...uh, the woods are very...freeing."
This was it. The perfect opportunity. She was certain he was interested — she'd caught him studying her lips enough to know he wasn't just curious about her shade of lip gloss. Plus, there was that whole hair-sniffing thing he sometimes did — maybe Head & Shoulders had an anti-dandruff ingredient that doubled as an aphrodisiac? "Um, you know, I haven't really had a chance to do much exploring in the woods yet — maybe we could go for a hike or something?"
He stiffened, his tone carrying genuine regret as he replied, "I'm afraid it's not a good idea, sweetheart."
Ouch. But he stared at her lips. A lot. And always flashed those unfairly cute dimples. Plus, she was sure he was making that sexy accent deeper on purpose every time he talked to her. She didn't get it. Rejection from a guy she'd barely met shouldn't hurt this much. That's what she gets for stressing out and building up this moment in her head until it couldn't possibly meet her ridiculous expectations.
Busying herself at the register, she quickly scanned the planner and placed it inside the spa's sparkly shopping bag. The tension between them drowned out the cheerful noises of her spa attendants greeting their morning appointments, and Caroline was sure her brittle smile was going to crack her face in two.
"Caroline," Klaus began ruefully, "I'm sorry it's just —"
"It's fine, I promise," she reassured him with a thin smile, "I get it." Except she didn't. Klaus genuinely looked upset that he turned her down. What was holding him back? As he left her shop with a tight jaw and eyes full of regret, she swore she'd figure it out. After all, she was quite clever when she put her mind to it.
It was difficult to arrange her face into a casual expression while waiting for the peep show to begin. Normally, Caroline watched from her window, but today she was sitting on her front porch, boldly putting herself out there. After all, Klaus certainly did. It was the day after the full moon, and just like clockwork, the townspeople started stumbling out of the woods, clearly exhausted. And naked. Very, very naked.
Sipping her ginger chai, she felt her pulse quicken as Klaus emerged, the morning rays dancing on his bare skin as he clutched a wadded-up ball of clothes in his hands. Holy fuck, he was beautiful. Klaus waved to several groups that started jogging down the path to their homes, but suddenly he paused and sniffed the air. When his startled gaze met Caroline's, she did her best not to be a creeper and didn't let her stare wander too far south.
Panic and shame warred with each other on his face as he hastily pulled on a pair of jeans, striding purposefully toward her. She gave him a shy little wave, awkwardly saluting him with her teacup.
"Caroline," he stammered climbing the stairs to her porch, "I, uh, didn't think you'd be, uh, up this early." The tips of his ears reddened as he glanced down at his bare feet, adding, "So, you're probably wondering about uh, why we were out in the woods, you know, without um..."
"Clothes," Caroline supplied helpfully. "Klaus, it's ok. There's nothing to be embarrassed about," she told him gently, launching into the speech she'd practiced in her mirror ever since she'd finally figured out why he'd rejected her. Setting down her tea cup, she patted his hand and said, "I wanted to be here for you after the full moon to tell you that I know."
His voice was a strangled cry as he exclaimed, "You know?!"
"Of course I know and I'm totally ok with it." At his skeptical expression, she smiled and explained, "You know, with the whole kinky Wiccan naked thing." She felt her cheeks heat up underneath his carefully blank stare, mumbling, "Um...just in case that's why you turned me down before — because you thought I wouldn't understand? Because I'm fine with it. Um...all of it, actually." Nice. Be more awkward and creepy about your hot neighbor's monthly naked time.
Klaus sighed, shaking his curly head as he told her, "No, that's not it, love. You're a radiant spot of sunshine and I wish things could be different, but it could never work because my circumstances are a...unique challenge that you couldn't possibly guess —"
"Wait — is it the werewolf thing?"
Gray eyes widened in disbelief as Klaus gasped, "You knew this whole time?"
Caroline rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah. I mean everyone was super obvious about it. But it's tacky to assume 'werewolf' is your entire personality. I mean, I certainly don't go around thinking, 'Werewolf Klaus is heading out for his morning run' or 'ugh, Werewolf Matt is serving watered down drinks again.'" At Klaus' stunned expression, Caroline grew a bit uncertain as she asked, "You guys don't say, 'Human Caroline is rambling again', right?"
Smirking, his voice grew husky as he replied, "Right."
His gaze darkened, and as Klaus pulled her in for a kiss, Caroline wondered if he'd be up for exploring the woods later. Much, much later.
