Author's note: This was written for klarolineauseason Klaroline AU Season 2022, June 19th, Week 3: Creatures. Caroline and Klaus are having trouble with their neighbors, so they host a dinner party to make peace. And if that fails, eat them.

Warning: Klaroline sexytimes...well, as sexy as two terrifying, corpselike creatures can get. Just lean into the weird, people. Also, some violence — but not related to the Klaroline sex...mostly not, anyway.


"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well."
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own


It was a crime against humanity and someone definitely should get eaten. Caroline huffed in irritation as she threaded the silver filigree napkin rings onto the carefully folded linens, "Seriously?! A vinyl fence in this neighborhood? How did the home owner's association not throw a fit over that? Remember the bitchy little card we received when I painted the mailbox blue?"

Klaus chuckled from the kitchen, carefully adding lemon zest to the fontina-asparagus tarts. "Don't forget the formal letter we received about the novelty welcome mat — I thought you were going to rip off the HOA president's finger when she delivered it."

"No way — everyone knows self-righteousness leaves a weird aftertaste, and I bet Mrs. Lockwood tastes worse than vegan jerky."

The doorbell rang just as Caroline lit the candles in the magnolia blossom platinum centerpieces. Klaus briefly rested his chin on the top of her head, pulling her against his chest. He rumbled, "Are you sure you want to do this dinner party? It's not too late to back out and do things like we used to, sweetheart."

Caroline rolled her eyes, twisting in his arms to kiss each dimple as she said, "We moved here to try new things; just because we didn't anticipate the HOA's unsettling guerrilla tactics doesn't mean we can't find our place here." As she pulled him toward the door, she winked, playfully adding, "Don't forget — we invited the HOA president here to make peace."


Dinner had been delicious — the seared scallops with brown butter sauce had paired beautifully with the parmesan acorn squash and crab-stuffed filet mignon. The conversation, however, had been...unappetizing to say the least.

"Oh my, that's quite the robust appetite you have," Mrs. Lockwood commented with a glassy, wide-eyed innocence that was as fake as her handbag. She drained her glass, clearly pleased with herself.

Caroline glanced up, delicately dabbing at the corner of her mouth with a monogrammed napkin. "I was starving," she said with a shrug, unapologetically spearing a thick slice of duck breast from the sterling serving platter.

Sterling serving platter. Quite the upgrade from the splintered bowls Klaus used to carve for them back in the colony, Caroline thought with a wry smile. Although choking down those bits of bark greatly improved the texture of her gritty corn dumplings. Turning to Klaus, she remarked, "The candied blood oranges are fantastic on this. You outdid yourself tonight."

Klaus' gray eyes glowed with desire, briefly containing a flare of gold easily passed off as a reflection of the candlelight. Dropping a kiss to Caroline's open palm, he discreetly licked her flesh, savoring the heady aromas of their delectable meal. "My Caroline is quite voracious," he purred in amusement, tipping a wink at Mr. Lockwood who became so flustered he dropped his fork.

While he fumbled underneath the table, the HOA president pursed her lips as she slurred, "Yes, well, you'll certainly want to curb those impulses as you get older, dear. It wouldn't do to balloon up over something as silly as a second serving."

Caroline felt her claws rip through the napkin as she clutched it in her lap. Clearing her throat to get her temper under control, she turned to Mr. Lockwood to sweetly ask, "Are you enjoying the cabernet," noting that his cheeks were flushed from Klaus' heavy-lidded gaze.

Klaus loved to play with his food.

"Oh, yes, it's quite tasty," Mr. Lockwood nodded, stumbling over his words a bit as he slid his hazy stare appreciatively over both Caroline and Klaus. "This was such a surprise to be invited over for such tasty treats."

Raising an overly tweezed eyebrow, Mrs. Lockwood hiccupped, "Yes, quite the surprise. One almost would think you had another reason for inviting us over. Or, am I mistaken that you've decided to plead your case about that petition for an obscene Grecian bathhouse?"

"Actually, it's a Roman-inspired bath," Klaus corrected with a cutting smirk, "although for the uneducated, it can be easy to confuse Corinthian columns for Doric."

Caroline delighted in the woman's indignant sputtering, quietly refilling her glass. She toasted her with a sugary smile. "We just wanted to show you and your husband how lovely our bath will look." Lowering her lashes, she asked innocently, "Please hear us out before you make up your minds."

"At least stay for dessert," Klaus purred in his accented voice, delivering a sensual smirk to the couple until they both seemed to falter under his playful attention.

Rising from the table, Caroline flashed the couple a smile, gesturing toward the veranda. "We thought you might like to see the space for the outdoor bath — just follow the cobblestone pathway and you'll find dessert has been laid out." Glancing at Klaus, she added with a shy giggle, "We'll join you shortly."

Klaus brought her knuckles to his lips, placing a burning kiss that lingered. At the couple's intrigued expressions, he explained, "We like to work up a bit of an appetite first."

Discreetly tracing a claw along Klaus' wrist, Caroline asked him coyly, "The woods?"

"Only if you're 'it' first, sweetheart." Shrugging at the openly gaping couple, he told them, "We like a bit of a chase before a good romp, you know."

Mr. Lockwood swayed a bit, squinting at them as he asked, "Tag? You're playing tag before you...you..."

"Sure," Caroline confessed with a wink, "maybe you'd like to give it a try?"

Rubbing Caroline's shoulders, Klaus added, "Perhaps we'll even cross paths."

Wide-eyed and red-faced, the Lockwoods exchanged surprised looks. Letting out an awkward laugh, Mrs. Lockwood said, "Oh my, you must really want that tacky bathhouse."

Despite those venomous words, Caroline noticed that Mrs. Lockwood had been eyeing both her and Klaus with obvious interest. It was the same story everywhere they roamed — the suburbs always hid the freakiest humans.

And the dumbest.

"We'll give you a head start," Caroline winked at them, not bothering to mask the disdainful cackle as the drunken idiots stumbled into each other in their haste to hide in the woods adjacent to the property, eagerly waiting to be tagged "it".

Klaus swooped down to kiss Caroline, momentarily unleashing their true natures as they snarled against tattered, bloody lips and jagged teeth. When they broke apart, their eyes were golden fire. With a devilish smirk, Klaus raced away, little more than a blur as he slipped into the darkening woods. She chased after him, the tips of her claws pinching and caressing his flesh whenever she managed to catch him. Their kind was very fast.

The bark snapped and scraped against Klaus' back as Caroline hurled him against the tree trunk, ripping away his Henley and running her claws along his sharp clavicles. She licked a broad stripe across the ridges with her long tongue, delighting in his low growl.

"Can you imagine if those drunken dullards saw us in our true forms?"

They traded burning looks, no longer feeling the sting of their lost humanity. What was there to miss? They'd roamed the world as these creatures for far longer than they'd been human. Wendigo. It was what the tribes had hissed at them long ago, when they first clawed out of the deep snowdrifts of their decimated colony.

"Humans are ridiculous creatures — despite the Lockwoods' clear disdain for us, they're so overwhelmed by pheromones they don't sense the danger," Caroline replied, grinding against his eager hand.

He slipped two fingers inside, growling in her ear, "They follow a primal instinct, just as we follow ours." He curled his claws into her, delivering those marvelous, sweet cuts that made her squirm in pleasure.

"Of course they want to fuck us. I'd want to fuck us," she gasped, bucking wildly at the sensation. Caroline sank her sharp teeth into his leathery skin, the taste of his blood making her monster purr.

With a possessive hiss, Klaus grabbed her arms, turning her around to face the tree as he freed his cock. Impatiently flipping up her dress, he rubbed his cock against her ass, the wet smack of their flesh driving them both into a ferocious delirium.

Caroline sank her claws into the bark as she braced against the tree trunk, shoving her hips back just he pushed inside. His thrusts were powerful, moving her body in all the ways she adored. His touch left her ravenous and greedy for every piece of his body to possess hers. It was the press and pull of a lover and a beast and everything they were in between that set her senses ablaze.

"Fuck," Klaus rasped, snaking a hand around to cup her mound with the razor-like points of his claws. The copper stench of blood saturated the air, making their monsters shriek with pleasure. Groaning deliriously, he commanded, "Bleed for me; squeeze my cock with that pretty little cunt."

Caroline chased the high that always came from taking his demands — especially when they came in that accented voice of his. She loved that even centuries later, he stubbornly held onto the accent of the old colony. With a feral growl escaping her bloody, shredded lips, she whipped around, locking legs around his waist as she pushed him back into the tree. "Harder," she urged, tracing the dry flesh stretched tight over bones.

"Taste me when we come," he raggedly begged, delivering a final thrust as they bit into each other's shoulders with howling shrieks.

The forest seemed to hold its breath in the aftermath. Their sweet violence was always the loveliest of times, she thought with a sly little grin, impatiently ripping away her dress and helping pull off the rest of Klaus' clothes.

Tonight, they hunt in the old way.


Leaves barely crunched under their speed, weaving in and out of the thick trees with only a whisper of a breeze. Even the night creatures were struck silent by their dark presence, instinct keeping them in their burrows and nests. Meanwhile, the Lockwoods stank of sweat and pheromones, a delicious beacon in the dense forest. They wanted to be found.

Still, it was a merry chase with taunts and whispers dancing on their bloody lips. Klaus and Caroline always enjoyed their dinner with a lively show. The drunken giggles gave way to gurgling screams. The hands so eager to clumsily grope became frantic, trapped birds.

Oh, how they feasted.

With messy patches of blood and ragged chunks of flesh decorating their bare bodies, Caroline tackled Klaus to the wet earth, the sated couple gleefully rolling around the slippery remains. He lifted his curly head, rows of teeth gleaming in his vicious smile as he teased, "I do believe the Lockwoods have reconsidered their position on our Roman bath now."