"Hello peeps and welcome back to Bow's Variety Show, starring your fashionable and outrageously beautiful host, Lady Bow!" The boo introduced and winked, making several guys in the audience faint.
"And I am Ludwig, ze son of King Bowser Koopa who will one day take over zis kingdom once Tatanga, ze purple alien from Planet Hideous, is defeated!" Ludwig cheered but the audience just laughed at him, including Bow.
"Seriously Ludwig? You really think that your dad is going to successfully rule the Mushroom Kingdom despite the fact that everytime he's tried, he ends up hilariously failing due to some plumber who's more than three feet shorter than him?" Bow snickered.
"You know what, Bow!? You are...probably right. It's really getting annoying how hard my dad tries to formulate zese plans zat he never actually zinks through only to get himself defeated and embarrassed by ze whole world a whole bunch of times. You gotta give him credit however, ze dude never gives up...even zough he really should!" Ludwig agreed.
"Agreed, but let's move on to more interesting matters now! The current coin count right now is at 995,991,000. We need that much more if we want to rebuild Mushroom City back to the way it was! Come on you rich snobs, donate your goddamn money already! I KNOW YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, DON'T JUST SIT THERE ON YOUR ASSES DRINKING YOUR RED WINE IN YOUR KING-SIZED BED IN YOUR FOUR STORY MANSION!" Bow angrily raised her voice. The audience widened their eyes in fear.
"Uhhh...right...so let's get on to introducing ze contestants now! Ze first contestant is a brother of mine who has ze only hair in ze world zat can ever be considered better zan mine! It's Lemmy Koopa!" Ludwig said.
"Hi everyone! I'm very excited to be on this show for two reasons. One, so I can be on TV for once and see if my face is as cute as everyone says and two...SO I CAN DO THIS!" Lemmy suddenly yelled, pulling out a gun and shooting it. The audience screamed and ducked for cover, but all that came out of the gun was a bunch of glitter and streamers.
"Hahahahaha! APRIL FOOLS! Err...I mean...gotcha!" Lemmy quickly corrected, since it was way past April Fools.
"You jerk! If that had been an actual gun with an actual bullet, I would've smacked your face with my fan so many times that you'll end up bleeding!" Bow threatened.
"Pah! Calm down Mrs. I'm-In-Dire-Need-Of-A-Boyfriend, it was just a little prank. You should know that especially since your kind likes to get your high off on scaring people," Ludwig said.
"SHUT UP YOU LITTLE PEST! Just for that, I'll make sure I get my buddies to haunt you in your dreams next time you go to sleep!" Bow barked.
"Well, I'll just make sure to buy one of those Polterbust 5000 things or whatever ze hell you're suppose to call zose annoying gadgets. Our next guest is a koopa who helps run some building named Mushroom Corps., a place zat no one has somehow never heard about. She also helped in saving us from ze castle so give it up for Kylie Koopa!" Ludwig cheered and the audience clapped and shouted for her.
"Um...thanks! Hi everyone! I can't believe I was talked into doing this show...this is all so strange to me. How was this all set up again, exactly?" Kylie questioned.
"Honestly, we're just as clueless as you are. We were just asked to be the new hosts on this show and that's it. That blue fairy chick probably had a lot of connections that were able to make this show work. If we get out of this alive, I'm gonna ask her to see if she can get me a job as a reporter so I can belittle the idiots that roam this country," Bow answered.
"So to put it short, ask ze blue fairy chick cause we don't know. Our next guest is a Shy Guy who had a propeller stabbed into his head by Bowser a long time ago. It's Fly Guy!" Ludwig said.
"HEY HEY HEY! I was born with this propeller thank you very much! If Bowser stabbed this thing into my head, I most likely wouldn't even be alive by now, DUH!" Fly Guy yelled.
"Wow. Someone here apparently doesn't understand the concept of sarcasm. Don't they teach that in schools these days?" Bow chuckled.
"...WAS THAT SUPPOSE TO BE SARCASM?" Fly Guy raised his voice in confusion.
"Don't overthink it, propeller head. Our next guest is some chick that played a bit part in the video game "Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time". It's Toadiko!" Bow said.
"Uhhh...hi everybody. Thanks for having me here. I just wanna ask something, there isn't going to be anything here that's gonna pour slime on us if we say or do something wrong, right?" Toadiko cautiously asked.
Bow and Ludwig exchanged confused glances.
"...Err...zat's a very specific question you just asked, but no...zere isn't. We should totally have something like zat for ze next show zough!" Ludwig gasped in sudden excitement.
"Yeah because slime is so easy to find in Mushroom City, especially the fact that, you know, MOST OF IT IS DESTROYED!" Bow frustratingly pointed out.
"You know Bow, I am really getting sick and tired of your zany and obnoxious attitude and I'm sure ze audience agrees with me on zat," Ludwig growled.
"Do you really think I care about what you think of me!? I am above you in every single way so shut it or else that ugly blue hair of yours is going to meet Mr. Shaver!" Bow retorted.
"GASP! YOU WOULDN'T DARE EVEN TOUCH MY FLAWLESS AND SMOOTH HAIR! If you even try it, I'll burn down your mansion! Oh and speaking of zat mansion...have you ever heard of dusting and aerosol cans? Zat place smells worse zan a dumpster full of cow crap!" Ludwig screeched.
"How the hell would you know? You've never been in my mansion before so quit making up lies you twit! Go back to that sewer of a place that you call a castle!" Bow screeched, her face getting red.
"Uhh...do they always argue at random intervals like this?" Kylie whispered to Fly Guy.
"Unfortunately, yes. There's nothing much we can do to stop them since, one, it makes for entertaining drama for the viewers and two, we'll likely get hurt if we try to intervene," Fly Guy responded.
"Wow. That is just way beyond sad," Kylie said.
"...and THAT is why you're never going to get a girlfriend! Now let's move on to the next contestant unless you want me to REALLY drag you to the pits!" Bow threatened.
"Oh enough of ze crap talking already! I've seen you ze way you fight in Paper Mario, it was hilarious! Smacking enemies with a fan? Is zat really ze best you can do? For a Boo, you sure do fight pretty pathetic!" Ludwig insulted and that's when Bow officially had it.
"THAT DOES IT! I'M TAKING YOU DOWN!" She roared and lunged into Ludwig and the two began to viciously beat each other off the stage while the audience shrieked, got out their phones, and recorded the fight.
"Err...I'm guessin' this means the show is canceled?" O'Chunks asked, one of the contestants that wasn't yet introduced.
"Unless someone else is able to carry on the show, then I guess so. What a waste of time..." Mimi sighed, also a contestant that wasn't introduced.
"HEY! AFTER YOU'RE DONE BEATING EACH OTHER UP, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN UNTIE ME!? MY BACK IS ITCHING AND I'M TIRED OF LOOKING AT ALL THOSE UGLY FACES IN THE AUDIENCE!" Lakilester shouted as he was tied to a chair on the stage along with his girlfriend.
"I don't know why you people think I deserve to be tortured like this! I'm really not that bad of a person if you get to know me!" Lakilulu cried. Everyone else just laughed at her as if she was making a joke.
"Well since the hosts are going to be too busy beating the crap out of each other, we need someone to take over...AND THAT SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE ME!" Lemmy shouted and leaped to the front of the stage. "Hello everyone and thank you for tuning into...VARIETY SHOW 64! Starring your favorite badass host, Lemmy Koopa!"
*Cricket noises*
"Boooooooooooooooooring!" O'Chunks loudly spoke.
"Yeah the guy with the wannabe vampire accent is 10 times more entertaining than this freak of the week," Lakilester scowled.
"Shut your piehole! It's no wonder why everyone hates you! Not only that, but you're also ugly, you have terrible attacks, you're never going to have a successful relationship, you smell of sewer waste, AND YOU HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER! I don't have to remind you of the time you introduced yourself as three different names to Mario, do I?" Lemmy told it like it was, making some of the audience members clap and cheer him on.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAS! SLAY THAT DOUCHECLOWN, HUNTY! SLAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" screeched a random Toad girl.
Lakilester was boiling mad at this point. "GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! YOU SON OF A BITCH! I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER MET ME!" He then broke free of his ropes and zoomed into Lemmy. The two immediately started to smackdown right on stage in front of everyone.
"UGH! Lakilester you are a total idiot! Why can't you just stay out of other people's business for once in your life!? You know, you deserve to be beaten to a pulp! I am so glad we are over because I totally deserve better!" Lakilulu whined. The audience groaned at her and someone threw a bottle of Coca-Cola at her which splashed all over her head, making everyone else in the room laugh.
"So...um...wow...this episode of the show went downhill extremely fast. Should we just leave if we're unable to continue it or should we stay and hope two other people get into a bloody brawl?" Kylie asked.
"VIEWERS! Call right now if you want to see how far O'Chunks can throw Lakilulu!" Fly Guy spoke out of nowhere. A bunch of calls came in soon after that.
"EH!? Are ya drunk or high on some shrooms or somethin'!? No way in hell am I touchin' that disgustin' monster over there!" O'Chunks yelled in disgust.
"EW! I wouldn't want to be touched by those red and hairy hands anyways! They look like they haven't been washed in decades!" Lakilulu retorted.
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF DAVY JONES LOCKER DID YA JUST CALL MY HANDS, YA INSIGNIFICANT BIMBO!? THAS IT, I'M A CHUNK THIS UGLY PROSTITUTE ALL THE WAY TO NEVERLAND!" O'Chunks exploded in anger, ripped off her ropes, grabbed Lakilulu, swung her around a few times, and let go, launching her off at a very high speed, crashing through the wall on the other side of the room and disappearing into the nearby forest. Everyone in the room immediately cheered louder than ever and danced around.
"Woohoo! The beast from hell is gone! Long live O'Chunks!" yelled a Koopa and everyone repeated the words with him.
"Long live O'Chunks! Long live O'Chunks! Long live O'Chunks! Long live O'Chunks!"
"Woah! Err, heh, thank ya I guess? I never realized that flingin' away some horse-faced tramp could get me so much praise!" O'Chunks laughed and gained a confidence boost.
"I must admit, that throw was pretty impressive, but it was too Super Mario 64-like for my tastes. 7 out of 10 stars," Toadiko commented.
"Marvelous performance by O'Chunks! Now viewers, please give us another call if you want to see me juggle these three balls that I have just set on fire with my own lighter that I carry around with me for absolutely no reason!" Fly Guy happily, yet somewhat disturbingly, announced, holding the three balls that were just starting to blaze. More phone calls came in but everyone else looked uneasy about this.
"Um, have you even juggled before...let alone something that was on fire!?" Mimi shrieked.
"No I haven't actually...which makes it all the more fun!" Fly Guy giggled and began juggling the fire balls. He was doing good for about a minute but after that, he began to lose control of himself and accidentally tossed the balls too far forward and they all fell in the crowd. The audience screamed and backed away as the fireballs set fire to the floor and the chairs and whatever stuff that was left on the ground.
"Ahhhh! Quick, someone get a fire extinguisher!" Kylie yelped.
"Oh, there are no more fire extinguishers left actually...BECAUSE I DESTROYED THEM! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Fly Guy evily laughed.
"YOU WHAT!? WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD!? GRAH!" O'Chunks shouted and threw Fly Guy over into the same wall that Lakilulu crashed through earlier.
"Note to self, never piss off O'Chunks unless you want your ass to be thrown thousands of feet away," Toadiko quietly said to himself and ran off.
"Uhhhh...okay then? So...it looks like Jojora, Ludwig, Lemmy, and Lakilester are still beating each other to a pulp so I guess this marks the end of a failure of an episode. Hopefully by next episode, these people will seriously get it together because let's be real here, someone is most likely going to get killed with the way stuff is done on this freaky show and if that happens, then the show will be canceled. I can't see into the future but you all know I'm right! Oh, and I guess the results of how many coins were donated today from the phone calls will be revealed next time...assuming the hosts don't bash each other's brains in of course," Mimi stated. She then jumped when she saw the fire spreading further and smoke started to fill the room. "Uhh, can someone bring in a bunch of water please!? HELLO? ANYONE!? WAIT A SECOND, DID EVERYONE JUST LEAVE AND LEFT ME HERE BY MYSELF!? THAT IS EXTREMELY NOT COOL!"
EOC.
Next chapter will have the aftermath of the Charmy/Amy incident, Roy making an encounter with one of the villains, and Paper-Yoshi sharing his new found weapons with a few others. Oh, and Mario Party Deluxe and Alien Invasion will be updated in around a week.
