Plastered Paradox
Chapter 11
"That was easier than expected," Jaune commented as they peered out from the treeline and into the walls of the White Fang's camp. "What did you have to give Lil' Miss Malachite for the information, though?"
"Money, because I'm not an idiot like you two," Qrow stated. "Seriously, it's amazing how far you can go by just not being a complete ass to everyone. You all should try it some time."
"Yeah, whatever," Raven deadpanned. "I see two guards out front and a bunch of guards inside. No sign of anything Salem-related. Maybe we got lucky and she hasn't approached them yet."
"Yeah, and maybe you and I will actually sleep together," Jaune commented. "Nah, someone in her little ensemble crew has been here already, I just know it."
"Then what are we waiting for? Let's go."
Raven went to stand up straight, but Jaune put a hand on her shoulder and pushed her back to the ground.
"Easy, there," he said. "If Salem really has approached them, then we're going to have to be smart about this."
"You being smart? That's a first," Cinder said. "Are you feeling alright? What have you done with the real Jaune?"
"What's the plan?" Qrow asked. "I assume you've actually got one and aren't just being contrarian for the sake of pissing off Raven."
"I do have one," Jaune emphasized.
"Does it involve pissing off Summer again?"
"Please no," Raven stated. "She got so mad last time that she forcibly re-opened one of my portals just to try and murder you, Jaune. I didn't even know my portals could be re-opened. Hell, part of me is convinced she just broke an unspoken rule of the cosmos by doing that, but she was just so pissed that the universe decided to let it slide this time."
"No, it doesn't involve pissing off Summer," Jaune insisted. "It's a good plan, actually. I'm pretty sure it'll work."
"Jaune, this plan fucking sucks," Cinder complained.
"Do you have a better one?" Jaune asked.
"Silence, prisoners," Raven snapped. She yanked on the rope connecting their arms together, causing them all to stumble slightly. Jaune glared at her.
"You're enjoying this way too much."
"Your fault for making me the designated Faunus. You could have given the fake cat ears to Cinder, you know."
"Yeah, why didn't you think of that?" Cinder asked.
"Yeah, why didn't I think of that…?" Jaune wondered. He shook his head. "Whatever. Just take us to the front gate, Raven."
"Where'd you even get fake cat ears, anyway?" Qrow asked. "Do you just carry those around?"
"Yes, actually. It's a habit I picked up specifically to annoy a Faunus friend of mine. She wouldn't stop bitching about cultural appropriation so I figured I'd show her what real cultural appropriation looked like. So I decided to put on fake cat ears and do cat things – you know, read smut, chase after blondes, and lick myself when I thought nobody else was looking."
"What the fuck?" Cinder asked, disgusted.
"It's a joke, one that you'll appreciate if you ever meet my friend," Jaune insisted. "Oh look, there's the front gate. Everyone act natural and pretend like this absolute jobber actually managed to capture you."
"I could always tell them the truth, you know," Raven hissed. "See who's the jobber then."
"Halt!" one of the guards, a dog Faunus, yelled. "Who goes there?"
"Oh, just your friendly neighborhood cat Faunus, looking for entry into the White Fang," Raven said, putting on her best overly-friendly tone in the process.
The dog Faunus exchanged a glance with the other guard, who was some kind of bird Faunus. "Uh, okay… who are these three jokers?"
"They're some humans I found wandering around in the forest," Raven stated. "I think it's a gay couple and their adopted androgynous son."
"Bitch," Qrow hissed.
Raven yanked on the rope again, causing him to stumble. "Anyway, I captured them because I'm awesome. I figured I'd hand them over to you guys in exchange for joining your organization and being allowed entry into your camp. So, what do you say?"
The guards exchanged another glance. "We're not accepting new recruits anymore," the bird Faunus said.
Raven's expression immediately soured. "What?"
"Yeah, we've got too many people trying to sign up," the dog Faunus added. "Turns out that when you oppress people for too long, a bunch of them will want to fight for their freedom. Who knew? Anyway, the camp's too crowded for us to be taking anyone in at this time – I mean, we've got like five guys guarding the toilets, just so they'll have something to do. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make everyone feel included when there's three-hundred of you, and only one-hundred jobs to do? It's pretty fucking hard."
"So, what am I supposed to do, then?" Raven asked. "Go to Menagerie?"
"Yeah, Menagerie would be a good place to start," the bird Faunus said. "Or you could head to Mantle and help those guys out, because Mantle really sucks."
"But I want to join you guys. You have a secret base in the forest and everything. Mantle doesn't have that."
"Yeah, why do you think everyone wants to come here and we're overpopulated?" the dog Faunus asked. "It's because people like secret bases in the forest. Do you have any idea how much tail I've gotten since I took this gig?"
Jaune snickered. "Heh. Dog Faunus, chasing tail."
The guards looked to Raven expectantly. She looked back. "Yes?"
"Aren't you going to pull on the rope for that little quip?" the dog asked.
"Why would I? I'm a cat Faunus."
"We're all Faunus, it shouldn't matter."
"It matters to some of us. Just because I'm a Faunus doesn't mean I like dogs."
"Oh, you're one of those self-hating Faunus, then," the bird said with a nod.
"Well, no, because self-hating implies that I hate myself for being a Faunus. I don't hate Faunus, I just hate dog Faunus because I'm a cat."
"That's racist," the dog Faunus commented with a huff.
"It's not racist, I just don't like them," Raven insisted. "His quip was properly placed, in my opinion, because I don't like dogs. Just for that, he gets to die on camera by gunshot rather than slow beheading."
"Wow, I feel so excited about that already," Jaune said.
Raven tugged on the rope. The dog Faunus gave her an exasperated look. "Seriously, lady?"
"Yes, seriously," Raven said.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Cinder said, rolling her eyes. "Jaune, this clearly isn't working. Can we just kick ass already?"
"Yeah, she's got a point," Jaune conceded. "Raven?"
"On it," Raven announced.
The guards didn't even have a chance to react before Raven cut them down in a single slash each. The two guards fell to the ground, unconscious. The others hurriedly freed themselves and drew their weapons, then they all breached through the front gate.
The first thing Jaune became aware of was all the fact that breaching the camp had been far easier than they had initially thought it'd be.
The second was the many dozens of White Fang members staring at them, weapons at their hips. They stared each other down for a few seconds, then Jaune let out a sigh.
"Alright," he announced. "I'll admit this probably wasn't my best plan, but none of you fuckers tried to talk me out of it."
Thankfully, the bullets started flying before any of the others could argue with him.
"Why the fuck do we keep listening to you?!" Raven shouted as she swiftly cut down another three White Fang members.
"Uh, because maybe I actually know what I'm doing?" Jaune replied. A White Fang member charged him and he raised his shield just in time to block the incoming strike, barely even looking in the process. A single swing of his sword later, and the White Fang member was sent flying back into a nearby tent. "And besides, these guys are complete chumps."
"Cinder would beg to differ."
"A little help?!" Cinder cried out as she dug her heels in and did her best to avoid being dragged away by a very muscular White Fang member carrying a chainsword. She was futilely bashing him with her sword to no avail, though admittedly she was doing an excellent job at covering his outfit with pink paint.
Jaune rolled his eyes. "Think, Cinder, think! How would I get out of this situation?!"
Cinder blinked. She then turned towards the White Fang member. "Hey, ugly. I had sex with your mother last night."
"My mother's been dead for ten years," the White Fang member growled.
"Guess that explains why she was so cold, then."
The White Fang member backhanded her, sending her flying across the camp. At that moment, Qrow burst out from a nearby building just in time to see it happen.
He turned to Jaune with a glare. "Dude, for real?"
"Oh, lighten up," Jaune said, rolling his eyes again. "It got her free, didn't it? Besides, that's totally something I'd do."
"But what about the White Fang member? Are you just going to let him get away with that?"
"Haha, no. Raven, kill that guy."
"Kill him yourself," Raven hissed as she struggled to hold back what had to be fifteen White Fang members at once. "I'm kinda busy here."
"Yeah, whatever." Jaune turned towards the White Fang member. "Hey, ugly! How about you mess with someone who actually has a big dick?"
"I'm already picking on the teenager," he responded. "And I'm pretty sure her dick is bigger than yours."
The fighting paused long enough for all the White Fang members to shout, 'Burn!' Jaune was unperturbed, however.
"Yeah, well, at least I'm not about to get my ass kicked."
"What do you-"
At that moment, Cinder rushed the big man down, and cut deep into his Aura with her sword. He went to backhand her again, but Jaune was there. He caught the White Fang member's hand, twisted it backwards until he heard a snap, then punched the White Fang member in the temple, knocking him out. Jaune let the unconscious man slip from his grasp, then looked back towards the crowd.
"Pay attention, Cinder," he said. "That was their best fighter. Naturally, now that he's been defeated by me-"
"By us," she amended.
"-By me with you helping a little, they'll all give up, because now it's clear that they can't win."
The White Fang all exchanged a glance with each other, none of them certain about what to do. After a moment, one of them cleared his throat.
"Yo, why the hell are we attacking them individually? What is this, a bad kung-fu movie? Let's all get them at once!"
"Or that could happen," Jaune corrected. "Didn't expect these guys to actually have a brain, admittedly."
"Seriously?" Cinder deadpanned.
"Hey, I'm a Huntsman, not a psychologist. That was Ozpin's job, if I recall, and he's dead now."
"I thought he was the headmaster."
"Being the headmaster for a bunch of angsty teenagers is basically the same as being a psychologist."
The White Fang suddenly surged as one, and the four of them all braced themselves for impact.
"Stop!"
It never came. The sudden voice caught the White Fang off-guard, and they all instantly came to a dead stop. Instead, Jaune watched as the group of White Fang parted, giving way to two figures, one woman about his own age, and the other a young redheaded boy who he wouldn't have recognized if it hadn't been for the horns on his head. Jaune let out a slow exhale.
"It fucking figures that Adam Taurus would be here…" he muttered.
The two newcomers came to a stop, with the older woman putting a hand on her hip and giving him a harsh glare. "Well, you've certainly created quite the entrance for yourself," she commented. "Showing up out of nowhere, culturally appropriating us, and then breaking into camp and knocking out at least a few dozen of my guys. Who the hell are you, anyway?"
"Just some guy who's trying to set right what went wrong," Jaune commented. He looked down at Adam Taurus, who shrank slightly beneath his gaze, but then soon returned it with a defiant glare of his own. "Shouldn't you be in school?"
"Sienna says schools only teach human lies!" he proclaimed.
"Well, at least now we know where Adam got it from," Jaune said to himself. "Makes it a bit better knowing that he iced Sienna back in my timeline." He shook his head, then looked back to Sienna. "Anyway, I take it you're not in a talking mood right now?"
"Personally, I'm still trying to decide what to do with you all," she said. "I mean, obviously we can't beat you, at least not yet. But then again, the last thing I want to do is talk to a bunch of humans, especially ones who have so brazenly mocked our race."
"You mean the fake kitty ears?" Raven asked. "Seriously?"
"Yes, seriously," Sienna insisted. "It's very racist."
"How is it racist? It's fucking kitty ears."
"Yes, exactly."
"Look, let's not start this now," Jaune implored. "This is a rare moment in time for two groups of enemies to come together over common ground… namely, that we're both actually in huge trouble unless we do something drastic to avert disaster."
"How so?" Sienna asked.
"Well, let me put it this way – have you been visited by some lady who sounds like an inbred hick straight out of the backwoods of Mistral?"
Sienna blinked. "...That's a very apt description of her, actually. What was her name, again…?"
"Rachel?" Adam asked.
"Shut up, Adam," Jaune chastised without looking at him. He nodded towards Sienna. "Yeah, her name's Rachel. And this is probably going to make next to zero sense, but we – that is, my group of three morons and I – really need to kill her."
"Okay," Sienna said awkwardly. "Why do you need us for that?"
"We don't. What we do need you for is to make sure that she didn't put any thoughts in your heads about, you know, becoming a terrorist organization, striking out at humanity, and knocking over the Huntsman Academies. So, did she?"
"No, we did that ourselves, except for the Huntsman Academy part," Sienna explained. "I don't know what else you expected."
"I was hoping we could talk you out of doing that."
"Then you'd better get to talking."
"Alright, well, you're kinda putting me on the spot, here."
"Seriously, dude?" Qrow deadpanned. "You've had how long to come up with something, and you still haven't?"
"Hey, I'm not good at long-term planning, alright?" Jaune said. "Short-term tactical stuff? Yes. On-the-spot strategic decisions? Absolutely. Long-term planning in general? Unfortunately not."
"Yes, that's becoming abundantly clear with every passing moment," Cinder said. "Seriously, aren't you supposed to be saving the world? If you're who we have to rely on then we all might as well curl up and die right now."
"Have faith, would you?" Jaune asked. "I don't need a long-term plan to save the world, I just need a series of short-term plans."
"Isn't that basically what a long-term plan is?" Adam asked.
"Shut up, Adam. Anyway, Sienna, I know it's tempting to strike back at humanity, what with the whole racism thing and all that, but for real, that'd be a terrible idea."
"How so?" Sienna asked as she examined her nails, bored. "Please, do go on. Watching you flounder like a fish out of water is far more entertaining than it has any right to be."
"Well, it's simple," Jaune explained. "Three Huntsmen and one Huntsman trainee just took out like half your guys. If your plan is to assault human settlements, then there's going to be a lot more than just four of us wandering around. I don't know about you, but those odds aren't exactly in your favor."
"That's true," Sienna admitted. Her brow furrowed, and she turned back to the other White Fang members who were gathered behind her. "Why are you all so incompetent, anyway? I thought we were training the incompetence out of you."
"We're terrorists, ma'am, not Huntsmen," one of them volunteered. "I was a hairdresser before I came here."
"I was a baker," said another.
"I was an e-whore," said a third.
Everyone gave him a deadpan look, and he bristled under their gaze. "Come on, it's easy money! If you all were in my position, you'd have done the same thing."
"I think I'd rather keep doing hair for a living, thank you."
"Buddy, if camwhoring is what you were doing for work, then I can't blame you for becoming a terrorist, because compared to that, this is an improvement."
"Look, we can all make fun of the e-prostitute later," Jaune implored. "Right now, we need to make one thing perfectly clear – if you try and attack a settlement, or even worse, a Huntsman Academy, you will die. It'll be like pigs in a slaughterhouse – oh, sorry; bad analogy."
"You're not helping your case at all," Sienna deadpanned.
"Just hear me out, alright?" Jaune begged. "For real, you people are just boned if you try and attack the Academies. If you can't figure that out after I spelled it out for you, then I don't know what to tell you."
"How tempting," Sienna said dryly. "We will consider your words, I suppose."
"We could always kill you and be done with it," Raven offered. She pushed her sword out of its sheath slightly with her thumb for emphasis. "Care to take us up on that particular offer?"
Sienna stopped examining her nails, and instead looked over to Raven. "You four are completely unhinged. And that's coming from me, the leader of a terrorist organization. We kill people for basically no reason, and even compared to us, you're all crazy people. Why would we ever listen to anything you have to say?"
"Because, despite how it may look, we actually don't want people to die," Jaune implored.
"Speak for yourself," Raven said.
"Alright, three out of the four of us don't want people to die. That's still a pretty good ratio, all things considered. Fuck, Sienna, just think about this – four humans willingly came into your camp to discuss this with you, despite knowing there'd be a huge fight if they got found out. That's gotta be worth something, wouldn't you agree?"
Sienna brought a hand up to her chin in thought. "Hm… I suppose it's worth at least some consideration, if only because you so willingly put yourself into the line of fire for absolutely no gain otherwise… Alright, we'll hold back for now and consider your words."
Jaune breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Sienna."
"Don't thank me for anything," Sienna warned. "Because I could always decide to go through with the attack anyway after a bit of reflection. At the moment, all we're doing is re-evaluating where we stand. Don't mistake our delay for a complete ceasefire."
"Hey, I'm happy so long as people aren't dying," Jaune announced. "Raven, get us out of here before they change their minds."
Raven tore open a portal and they all stepped through it. Jaune was the last to go, but just as he went to step through, he thought of something and turned around.
"Yes?" Sienna asked, annoyed.
"There's just one more thing," Jaune said. He cleared his throat, then looked down to Adam Taurus. "Shut up, Adam."
Then he stepped through the portal and left them all behind.
"Well, that went better than expected, all things considered," Qrow announced.
"Quick question," Jaune said. "Why'd you bring us here, Raven?"
"Yeah, why did she bring you here?" Tai asked. "Because we're kinda busy."
Summer hurriedly grabbed a handful of sheets to cover herself, her face turning red. "Raven!"
"Oh, lighten up," Raven said, rolling her eyes. "Like you never walked in on me and Tai while we were doing it."
"Get out!"
"Yeah, yeah. We'll be downstairs waiting for you to finish. Shouldn't take too long, since from what I remember, Summer's got a hair trigger."
"How would you know that?" Jaune asked.
"I know what you're thinking, but it's not that," Raven deadpanned. "Beacon's bathrooms have thin walls, you can hear everything that goes on in there."
Summer let out an angry screech, and the four of them quickly high-tailed it out of the bedroom and downstairs.
They had barely made it downstairs before the bedroom door opened and Summer and Tai came downstairs, dressed in matching bathrobes. Summer was still angry, whereas Tai looked like he was just done with everything.
"Seriously, Raven?" he asked. "You couldn't have waited another five minutes?"
"Five minutes?" Raven questioned. "Holy shit, Summer, I know Tai's a good lay and all, but you really need to work on your endurance if it only takes you five minutes to get off."
"At least I can get laid!" Summer snapped. "When's the last time any of you got any?"
"It's been awhile," Raven admitted.
"'Bout two weeks," Qrow said.
"I'm fifteen," Cinder answered.
"I fucked an ice cream girl the other night," Jaune said.
Summer pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. "...Alright, fine, whatever. Why are you all here? Did something happen?"
"Yeah, we just kept a whole lot of people from getting killed," Jaune answered. "Salem sent her pet Maiden to try and recruit the White Fang. We managed to get into the White Fang camp – don't ask how; I won't go into detail, aside from saying that it was a very smart, very cunning plan that went off without a hitch, as all my plans do – and talk them out of it. Zero deaths, which is a new record for any operation involving Raven."
"Zero deaths so far," Raven amended. "There's still time to change that."
"Yeah, whatever. Point is, that's the first group dealt with, at least for the moment. Hopefully they continue to prove they're not morons and keep refraining from attacking Mistral, because otherwise we'll have to put them down." Jaune paused. "Oh, my bad – I guess that was unintentionally racist of me to say. Sorry, Summer – we're setting yet another bad example for your girls."
"The girls aren't here right now," Summer said, crossing her arms. "Since somebody decided to reveal my location to one of Salem's minions, we thought it'd be best if we sent them away for a bit. So we sent them to stay with Ozpin."
"Is that wise?" Cinder questioned.
"No, but that's the only option we've got. I don't know much about Roman Torchwick, but I think we can safely assume that Ozpin will keep him in-check."
"Alright," Roman began, "remind me what I just taught you."
Yang stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth as she thought to herself. After a moment, her face lit up as it came to her. "Ooh, ooh! Legally, they can't keep questioning you without counsel once you ask for a lawyer!"
"Good. What else?"
"Always tell them to come back with a warrant!"
"And if they've already got a warrant?"
"Flush whatever you can and then make a break for it out the secret door in the basement! If you can get it down to less than forty-three grams, then it's just a misdemeanor!"
Roman grinned and reached out to ruffle her hair. "Good going. You'll be a criminal mastermind in no time, Blondie. How you holding up, Ruby?"
"Okay, I guess?" Ruby said tentatively. "Neo keeps trying to get me to hit her…"
"Go ahead," Roman urged. "You won't hurt her. And Neo, treat her nice, would you? No violence; she's only five."
Neo grinned widely, then motioned for Ruby to come at her. Ruby's face scrunched up in concentration, and then she charged at Neo, her fist cocked back. Neo made no attempt to dodge, and when Ruby's fist met with her cheek, she instantly shattered into glass. Ruby stared, bewildered, then let out a sniffle.
"I killed her!" Ruby cried.
"Look again, Red," Roman said.
Ruby blinked, then turned back around, and found Neo standing there, grinning widely. Ruby let out a happy cry, then lunged forward and pulled Neo into a big hug. Neo didn't resist at all. Roman stared at the scene and sighed.
"And you thought this was a bad idea," he said to himself.
"Admittedly, this went far better than expected," Ozpin concurred.
"Told you I was good with kids. Neo ought to be proof enough of that."
"I suppose I ought to have more faith in you, then."
"Great." Roman cleared his throat. "Girls, gather 'round! It's time to learn how best to conceal a handgun from the police!"
"Never mind."
"Believe me, Roman was our last choice," Summer insisted. "But Glynda's busy being the new headmaster and we couldn't find anyone else on such short notice, so here we are."
"Well, good luck with that," Jaune said.
"And what do you four intend to do now?" Taiyang asked. "Sounds like you've got the White Fang covered, at least for the moment."
"Well, it's simple," Jaune explained. "Now we have to go back to Raven's tribe and convince them not to ally themselves with Salem. That shouldn't be too bad, since all we have to do is take a portal back to them."
"Actually, that's wrong," Raven interjected.
Jaune paused. "Alright, explain this, because I can't see how-"
"I already told you that I can't go back to the Tribe without having a conquest of some sort," Raven reminded him. "Otherwise I'd never hear the end of it, and I will not give Vernal the pleasure of having something over me."
"Alright, let me just get this straight," Qrow began. "Are you telling me that the only way you're actually going to go back to your tribe is if we get you laid first? Am I understanding that correctly?"
"Pretty much."
"That's incredibly stupid, Rae. You can't bend this rule just this once? You realize there are lives at stake, right?"
"You underestimate how little I care about that," Raven said. "I'm just here for the violence."
Jaune pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Alright, sure. I guess we're gonna have to get you laid. Anyone know where we can find a himbo around here?"
Everyone's eyes suddenly turned to Tai. He crossed his arms and glared at them. "No."
"Come on, dude," Qrow insisted. "Just one quick fuck."
"No, Qrow. I'm a married man."
"So bring her into it," Jaune said.
"No!" Summer said. "I am not sleeping with Raven, and I am especially not sharing my husband with her!"
"Then it seems we're at an impasse," Jaune stated. "Where the hell else are we supposed to go to find desperate people willing to debase themselves for a quick fuck?"
Sorry for the delay on this one, things are getting pretty hectic around here at the moment. I start my new job on Monday so I've been running around trying to get everything straightened out before then. It's been a real hassle, but I think it's just about done. Hoping I can finish up everything today and then enjoy my weekend before getting back to the grind. The usual disclaimers apply here, still – new job, not sure if I'll have to slow down on updates or not, gonna try to maintain my schedule but might have to cut back on updates a bit, gonna keep writing no matter what, etc. I'll keep you all posted and let you know if anything changes.
Besides that, I don't really have much. I'm still pretty busy so I'm going to have to cut this AN a bit short for now. Hope you all enjoyed the chapter, and I hope to see you next time!
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