18
my heart is burning
in this house
where i dreamed
in the dark
my deepest dreams
shrouded desire in shadows
places the dead used to know
upstairs long
little bed low
quilts from hand-me-downs
curtains hung with faded lace
the smell of tobacco
nightshade and morning cool
this scent love's memory
everything broken and on fire
· when angels speak of love by bell hooks
Wanna Be on Your Mind by Valeria June
November 6, 2010
Abby Bennett was beautiful, confident, and unnerving. And after their recent interaction Bonnie felt a burning ache in the pit of her stomach as wild and long as the nearly sixteen years of their non-existent relationship. If it weren't for the fact her stomach was virtually empty Bonnie would have thrown up.
As Abby explained the process of desiccating a vampire, Bonnie couldn't help but study her mother's features. Bonnie tried to find the bits of her in her mother but all she could see were the differences. Her mother's cheeks were softer where hers were sculpted. Abby's nose was small and rounded gently. Her eyes were a warm color, but they read cold. Even now as a vampire she exuded a poise that made her seem greater than just a vampire, greater than just a witch. She was a goddess of all thing's heartbreak and longing. She was the master of Bonnies pain and her inequity.
Grams had reminded Bonnie time and time again not to take her mother's departure to heart, yet she felt that same wound opening. Reminding Bonnie that her worth would always be in question.
Damon was present at their meeting carefully silent perhaps biding his time to offer the Salvatore version of an olive branch, enlisting help with practiced southern charm. Bonnie was annoyed by this at first but to her surprise he didn't make any sweeping gestures to her mother in apology. No, he sat vigilant over Bonnie, even speaking up once on her behalf.
Damon's testament to her capabilities only confirmed to Bonnie that she had been useful to him, and he was pleased with her performance. She was finally returning the investment, no longer a mediocre witch he was fated to protect. Instead, she had become a powerful ally in the pursuit of Elena's protection.
Bonnie and Damon no longer tried to kill or maim each other but they bickered continuously like two feral cats fighting for dominance in the cluttered nighttime alleyway that was their life. Every interaction was the same, the threat of violence in their tone, the promise of seduction in their eyes. Everyone was annoyed by it, and no one could truly stop it.
When Abby finally left, Bonnie let out the deepest sigh as the weight of her emotions began to consume her. Her throat was soar aching from the effort not to cry. Bonnie's head hung low as she tried to regulate herself, blinking away the tears helplessly.
Despite having years to get used to her mother's abandonment of her at such a young age, she wasn't good at dealing with the fresh disappointments. Her mother could barely say her name or even look at her. The helpless child within Bonnie was still wondering what she had done to deserve being left behind. It's not fair.
"Would you like some tea," Damon whispered. Startled she jumped and her head brushed against his chest. Craning her head backward she looked up at him as he towered over her leaning in slightly. His blue eyes were framed by his lashes, smoldering as usual but with a different energy. Her cheeks and ears which normally burned with a wet heat were now glowing with a dry warmth.
"Sure," she answered meekly, her wet lashes blurring her vision slightly. Damon smiled softly and turned away. Bonnie didn't think it was possible for Damon to truly be concerned for her, but she no longer expected Damon to act predictably. In some ways his entire personality was predicated on being mysterious and impossible. The only certainty she had experienced with Damon was his dedication to Elena. His loyalty was limited and not even his brother seemed to have his favor.
Bonnie chose the middle seat of the bar and attempted to distract herself with the room. She hadn't been in the kitchen much before, so she studied it slowly, using her abilities to predict where things were. The colanders were in the lower right-hand cabinets. Pots were in two places hanging and in the lower left cabinets. Utensils in the top right-hand drawer by the sink, wine opener in the drawer next to it.
Periodically tipping her neck back she attempted to return the tears back into her head. As if she could shake them down into her skull and deep into the riverbeds of her already parched psyche. The tears fell down her cheeks anyway, she lost the battle with the reminder that she had been deserted. No number of tears could drown that burning ache. Bonnie wiped her face quickly, hoping Damon didn't notice.
"She may be your birth mother Bon, but she doesn't deserve your tears," Damon spoke calmly setting the tea in front of her," She lost the right to your attention when she left you."
Bonnie gazed into the cup of clear dark brown liquid, Orange Spice, her favorite. Bonnie didn't know what to feel, her chest felt warm, but her head was aching. Damon, a stranger who tolerated her, had remembered something as trivial as her favorite tea, a fact that had only been mentioned in passing at one of the small joint events Elena had engaged for them to "bond." Yet her mother, the woman who held her for nine months couldn't be bothered to look her in the eye when she spoke to her, except to tell her off and accuse her of being too weak.
Bonnie tried to cover her face, but she couldn't hide the sound of her sobbing. Damon pulled her hands from her face and shoved tissues into them. Bonnie could feel the snot flowing down and became incredibly self-conscious in that moment. Damon's eyes looked a little wet as he smiled apologetically. Sympathy from the devil, huh who would have thought.
"Maybe this is an ice cream problem not tea," and before she could react, he was at the freezer grabbing a tub of Blue Bunny Choco-politan," Two scoops of Blue Bunny for my Blue Bonnie coming up."
Bonnie choked on a laugh, trying her best not to encourage Damon. But then he gave her the eyebrow wriggle and she was helpless. As she laughed uncontrollably her tears were falling but they came as a release from the tension.
Bonnie studied Damon; his smile lines creased deeply eyes sparkling with a friendly light she had never seen before. Bonnie's knees went weak, and she was grateful she was sitting down.
November 14, 2010
"Ugh this is so frustrating!" Caroline shouted for the third time in a row. Bonnie was sure that Caroline was going to burn a hole into her already well warn oriental rug from the ridiculous pacing.
Elena was supposed to show up to their newly reinstated bi-weekly Sunday game night almost thirty minutes ago. Caroline had shown up early to help Bonnie set up and cook the pizza, and get a head start on the bottle of red, Damon had "donated" to the event. Bonnie was on her second glass of wine and was feeling comfortably buzzed.
"She'll be here Care," Bonnie said lazily trying to keep herself from being swept up in the frenzy that was Caroline Forbes.
"Sure but at least an hour after she supposed to be," Caroline kept checking her phone.
"Care sit down, have some wine eat some pizza," placing her wine on the coffee table, Bonnie got up and grabbed Care by the shoulders and sat her down on the couch. Caroline tried to protest but Bonnie shushed her and put a glass in her hand and poured a generous helping.
"Relax, Care, if Elena doesn't show up it isn't the end of the world."
"But it is Bonnie, because now Elena is a vampire. Who knows if she has lopped of the head of some poor innocent while you sit here getting drunk off Damon's pilfered wine?" Caroline took a large gulp finishing the glass quickly," at least its good wine, though."
Bonnie rolled her eyes and poured another glass for Caroline. She knew that Caroline wasn't really worried about Elena, Elena was with Stefan and wouldn't be in danger of ripping any heads off. If Caroline was truly concerned with that, she would be the first one out the door to find her.
Bonnie suspected that Caroline was upset with Elena for a different reason, or the usual reason, a boy. Stefan Salvatore to be more specific. Bonnie knew very few people who could handle Caroline's controlling nature very well, she knew even fewer people who could slow Caroline down and get at the heart of the matter. Since becoming Caroline's other best friend Stefan Salvatore managed to do both on a regular basis, and as a result Caroline's crush on the youngest Salvatore had been re-emerging.
Bonnie decided she was done listening to Caroline "sublimate" by picking on her other best friend's tardiness," So when did you start crushing on Stefan again or did you just never stop?"
Caroline looked at Bonnie incredulously, mouth open flapping like a fish. Bonnie gave Caroline her signature eyebrow-raise, and" I-know-I-am-right-so-just-tell-me-look". After maybe thirty blinks and a swig of half a glass Caroline finally spoke," if you must know Bonnie, Stefan and I are just friends and I am okay with it being just that."
"That isn't what I asked you Care. When did you start crushing on Stefan again?" Bonnie's tone came out more dramatic than intended and she regretted instantly pushing Caroline at all.
"When did you stop hating Damon," Caroline retorted putting air quotes over hating. Bonnie kept her composure; she knew that Caroline wasn't dumb, and a lie wouldn't work.
"I don't know when exactly, I haven't forgotten anything he has done. I just don't want to kill him every day," Caroline studied Bonnie for a second before filling her own glass and Bonnie's once more.
"The sixties dance, that's when you stopped hating him. That's when I knew at least," Caroline studied her glass considering the wine," dare I say I even think you have a little crush on him."
Caroline gave Bonnie a sly side eye and smile, as Bonnie attempted not to spit out her wine from laughter. Caroline knew that Bonnie didn't have a crush on Damon, she didn't hate him for sure, but she still didn't really like the vampire.
Caroline had shared some time ago that Stefan quiet ardently believed Damon and Bonnie had chemistry and so the two had begun joking about it. Caroline had to know Bonnie enough to know that she would never date someone who had hurt her best friend like that. Plus, Lena had already called dibs on both the brothers and Bonnie wasn't going to get into the middle of a bunch relationship drama. Even if she did have a small, tiny crush on him, which she didn't obviously.
Caroline's smile fell and she downed another glass of wine.
"I admit that I still have a crush on Stefan," Caroline set her glass down cuddling closer to Bonnie," and it hurts because despite the fact that she is obviously so into Damon, he is still desperately in love with Elena." Bonnie didn't respond to Caroline she just pulled her closer. They sat there in the quiet just holding each other.
Elena called fifteen minutes later stating that she forgot she had plans with the Salvatore Brothers. Caroline and Bonnie decided to watch Clueless for the thirtieth time cuddling upstairs in front of Bonnie's small TV. The two fell asleep in each other's arms, drunk, and scorned.
December 1, 2010
The wind was chilly as it blew dead leaves on to the porch of the Gilbert's Lake house. Squinting from the afternoon light hitting the lake in front of her, Bonnie watched nervously over Jeremy and Elena as they talked. Their first conversation sense Jeremy's transition into a vampire hunter.
She trusted that Professor Shane knew what he was doing, although he was not a witch himself, he seemed to understand the delicate connection between mind and magic. Through his tutelage, she had felt herself growing into her abilities for the first time. Her power was overwhelming at times but the rush of calling it forward felt better than anything she had ever known.
Bonnie's senses were a lot sharper than before, so she could feel Damon stalking behind her although she could not see him. Damon's aura was that of a flame burning blue surrounded by white light, and more recently she recognized that white light was like what she had felt in her own aura, in her mothers, and in Lucy's.
"I can sense you sneaking up on me, Damon," Bonnie's tone rasped out in a low warning.
She could practically see his impish smile in her minds eye, as he giggled beside her, his warm breath tickling her neck as he spoke," Why wait so long Little Bird, you aren't afraid I'll bite you anymore."
Bonnie looked at Damon, their faces close, lips barely inches apart," You should be more cautious about stalking me like that Damon now that we have a full-fledge vampire hunter just a few yards away."
"Oh, because I should be afraid that your ex-boyfriend, emphasis the ex, could actually hurt me," Damon raised an eyebrow maintaining there distant," Do you think he'll get jealous just seeing us standing her so close?" Mock fear in Damon's tone.
Bonnie wasn't taking the bait and retorted simply and curtly," Jeremy and I may not be together, but we will still protect each other, so if you want to see what a vampire hunter and witch can do, well, fuck around and find out Damon."
Damon's eyes opened wide and his mouth comically agape," Ms. Bennett what a potty mouth, you and I have been hanging out too much lately." Damon grabbed a lock of Bonnie's hair and attempted to shove it in her ear, she swatted it away forcefully. Damon whimpered slightly before Bonnie unleashed a series of slaps to Damon's shoulders while he giggled lowly, obviously trying not to attract attention to the two of them.
Grabbing Bonnie by the wrist he pulled her into the lake house, she tried to wrestle herself free, but she couldn't budge," We need to be watching the two of them Damon."
"It will only take a minute; I need to talk to you alone," Damon's sounded serious, but his expression was still jovial," First of all, happy anniversary."
"Happy what?" Bonnie was confused, Damon was not risking Elena's life for this. They didn't even have a relationship to begin with.
"It's the anniversary of when I literally became a pain in your neck," Damon spoke poking Bonnie where he had bitten her last December. Bonnie rolled her eyes, before swatting away Damon's hand.
"This is not the time for games Damon," Bonnie tried to sound serious, but she was working hard to control her smile. She wondered why she hadn't thought of the anniversary gag.
"Second of all are you okay, you seem different lately, you smell different too."
Bonnie raised an eyebrow and cocked her head to the side, "What do you mean?"
"I mean ever since you started attending the nutty professor's office hours, you smell well just different richer I don't know. Whatever you and Shane are up to just be careful, okay we all know that you plan on taking Jeremy back. You don't want him getting any ideas that you have moved on with someone who is trying to corrupt you."
"One, my relationship with Jer or anyone for that matter is none of your business. Two, Shane is my mentor; he is helping me become a great witch not a mediocre one." Damon grimaced visibly," He wants nothing but my greatness, which is more than I can say for some people."
Damon looked officially agitated, he stalked closer invading her personal space completely. Defiantly she looked him in the eye, making herself tall refusing to budge," Your greatness? Well, I can tell you he has more than just your greatest in mind by the way he looks at you. Being alone with him even if it is platonic is just encouraging him."
Damon was now towering over her as he had done frequently many months prior, their bodies only centimeters apart. They were right back to square one, blinding fire of animosity and those things that had remained unspoken raging in their eyes.
Standing toe to toe with him like this Bonnie could sense their auras clashing, invisible lightening fissuring off in multiple directions. Poking him in the chest Bonnie mocked Damon, "Well by that logic Salvatore I shouldn't be alone with you either."
The silence after she spoke was deafening but the fire of their energies was roaring. The shock was evident in both their faces, she had said the thing they had only seen in each other eyes. Bonnie felt blood rush to her cheeks from intense regret. She wished her mouth wasn't so much quicker than her brain.
Damon was the first to take a step back, and Bonnie closed her eyes in relief. Hopefully they could get through this moment without any further embarrassment.
Bonnie cleared her throat prepared to make up an excuse to leave, her instincts were to apologize but what should she be sorry for. Damon was the one who was constantly showing interest not her. No, she shouldn't apologize for anything. But you encourage his interest, don't you?
Bonnie ignored the thought; she didn't need to feel guilty for another thing. Her plate was already full with everyone else's problems, having a crush on Damon was not important enough to worry about. Crush, no Damon having a crush on her or whatever he had wasn't worth worrying about.
Damon broke the silence first, "I want you to know that I'd never ruin my opportunity with Elena like that, I know you love her not as much as me of course. But yeah… I think us might hurt her and it's not like, it's not like there is anything meant by it. I'm just you know messing with you."
Bonnie's heart sunk a little, as she parsed out what Damon was saying, admitting rather. Any feelings I may have for you mean nothing. I choose Elena.
Bonnie swallowed, feeling her throat squeeze from and unexplainable queasiness, "There is no us Damon. We aren't even friends; we are allies and we protect Elena. I understand that. I get that you just like riling me up. I just was…. I was making a joke. I would never do anything to hurt her either Damon." The words come out of her mouth, but she had no real connection to them, they are just the words she is supposed to say. Her actual body and mind felt numb.
"Good," he spoke his voice soft, meek even.
"Good," Bonnie responded equally as distant before heading back outside.
